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"To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood, and then you have to suck their blood. Its like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you."
"Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content."
"I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, okay? I just wanna have a life, I wanna do something normal. Something safe."
"Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair."
"If the Apocalypse comes, beep me."
"Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny."
(to Marcie) "Y'know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. But there's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony!"
"I may be dead, but I'm still pretty - which is more than I can say for you."
"You have fruit punch mouth."
"Yeah, you're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes."
"That way lies madness and sweaty palms."
"So he is a good vampire? I mean, on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone who's...not."
"Oh, my God. 'Have a nice summer'. 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends at all."
"For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow down before me."
"I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away."
"Nah, I gotta be a man and ask her out. Y'know, I gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, uh, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night, that last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes. Okay, into battle I go." (quickly turns to Willow) "Would you ask her out for me?"
"Forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life."
"Reading makes our speaking English good."
"Next time we split up, one of you two talk to Cordelia. Five more minutes with her and we'd have had another organ donor."
"Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him."
"This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for, for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures..."
"A Slayer hunts vampires; Buffy is a Slayer; don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need."
"But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage...Pardon me for finding the glass half full."
"Buffy, while the mere fact of you wanting to check out a book would be grounds for a national holiday, I think we should focus on the problem at hand."
"Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written."
(about Angel) "Hello, salty goodness!"
"I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. Its not like any of them really know me. I dont even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyones so busy agreeing with me, they dont hear a word I say."
(biting a vampire's hand) "See how you like it!"
"'And one of the brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed, because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate.' (pauses) Oh, wait. That's not written anywhere."
(during an earthquake) "Yes! YES! Shake, Earth! This is a sign! We are in the final days! My time has come! Glory! GLORY!" (the earthquake stops and the Master looks at Collin) "Whaddya think? 5.1?"
"By the way: I really like your dress."
"I know our ways are strange to you but soon you will join us in the twentieth century. With three whole years to spare!"
Jesse McNally: "Okay Lets deal with this. Jesse was an excruciating loser who couldnt get a date with anyone in the sighted community! Look at me. Im a new man!"
Moloch: "Right now a man in Beijing is transferring money to a Swiss bank account for a contract on his mother's life. Good for him."
Sid: "I hunt demons. Yeah, you wouldn't know it to look at me. Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know I'm not me anymore. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt."
"I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies."
(after walking in on Giles practising lines on a chair) "I guess we never realized how much you like that chair."
"Come on Stephan rise and shine. Some of us have a lot of trig homework waiting."
"Oh, I know this one! 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah bliddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.'"
"No, when you kiss me I wanna die."
"It was terrible. I moped over you for months. Sitting in my room listening to that Divinyls song 'I Touch Myself'. (realizing how it sounds) Of course I had no idea what it was about."
"Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get."
"I am trying to save you! You are playing in some serious traffic here! Do you understand that? You're going to die! And the only hope you have of surviving this is to get out of this pit right now, and, my God, could you have a dorkier outfit?"
"Vampires are creeps. I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini pizzas, and everyone's like, 'I like your mini pizzas,' but I'm telling you, I am..."
"My boyfriend had a bicentennial."
"I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here."
"It's so weird ... Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew."
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't kill him for you ... for her ... when I had the chance. I wasn't ready. But I think I finally am."
"I'm still the Slayer. And as long as I am, Angel's not gonna kill anybody else."
"It's too bad Angel didn't put me in the hospital sooner. There's something I never thought I'd hear myself say."
James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with."
"I think we should lock up the rest of the swim team before they get in touch with their inner halibut."
"This is just what my reputation needs: that I did it with the entire swim team."
"Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again."
"I lost a friend tonight, and I may lose more, the whole Earth may be sucked into hell and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big hoe! Well let me take this opportunity to not care."
"I'm probably the only girl in school with the coroner's office bookmarked in her favorite places."
"For Eric, the unattainable is everyone alive."
"Some guy's attacking Buffy with a sword! Also there's a really big snake!"
(about the song 'I Touch Myself) "Oh that's what that song is about?!"
"Goody! Research party."
"My God! You people are all - well, I'm upset, and I can't think of a mean word right now, but that's what you are, and we're going to the Factory."
"I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!"
"Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either."
(about Angelus) "You're still the only thing he thinks about."
"Frogs! Frogs! Get 'em off of me! Oh, my God, frogs! Get them off of me! Please, help! Get 'em off! FROGS! Frogs! Oh, my God, horrible frogs! Get 'em..."
"So, you delved into the black arts and conjured up a hell-beast from the ocean's depths to reek your vengeance. Didn't you?"
"I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are... but as of now, I officially don't care. If you had worked with us for five seconds, you could have stopped this."
"Says here that they've all been sentenced to consecutive life sentences. Investigators found the bones of missing girls in a huge cavern beneath the frat house. And older bones dating back fifty years. A surprising number of corporations whose chairmen and founders are former Delta Zeta Kappas are suffering from falling profits, IRS raids... Ooo, and suicides in the boardroom. Hmm. Starve a snake, lose a fortune. Boy, the rich really are different, huh?"
"I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met - by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying."
"Ooo, gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia, mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever."
"No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone."
"If you wanna be a member of the Scooby Gang, you gotta be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then."
"'Neural clamping.' That sounds skippable."
"I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex."
"Whoa, whoa! I-I think I'm havin' a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm havin' a plan." [the light go out] "And now I'm havin' a wiggins."
"Buffy, you can't blame yourself for every death that happens in Sunnydale. If it weren't for you people'd be lined up five deep waitin' to get themselves buried. Willow would be Robbie the Robot's love slave, I wouldn't even have a head, and Theresa's a vampire."
"You're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas."
"Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!"
"'Something weird is going on.' Isn't that our school motto?"
"That is wrong. Big, fat, spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us that studied hard and worked long hours to earn our D's."
"Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admit that. But believe me, that was hardly the, the worst mistake you'll ever make. Uh, that wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be."
"Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."
"In my years as ... Watcher ... I've buried too many people. But Jenny was the first I've loved."
"To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's-it's ... it's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.
"In order to be worthy you must perform the ritual in a tutu. Pillock!"
"I will be wearing pink taffeta as the chenille does nothing for my complexion and can we please talk about the Ascension?"
"You know, we've never really been that close, which is nice, cause I don't really like you that much."
"I can take a hint. (pause) What's the hint?"
(to Harmony) "You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does, so you can say you did it first. And here I am scrambling for your approval when I'm way cooler than you are because I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do and I wear what I wanna wear, and you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date! No matter how lame he is."
"Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants."
"Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass."
"It's me, Cordelia? I know you can't answer me, but... God, this is all my fault. You joined the swim team to impress me. You were so courageous. And you looked really hot in those Speedos. And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And... and we can still date. Or, or not. I mean... I understand if you wanna see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better. Whether that means little bath toys or whatever."
"I think it's safe to say we found Sean. He was skinless dipping in the pool."
"You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one."
"Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty. I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along."
"If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock."
"You were my sire, man! You were my... YODA!"
"A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure."
"From now on, there's going to be a little less ritual and a little more fun around here!"
(to Ford) "I've known you two minutes and already I can't stand you. I don't really feature you spending eternity as a vampire."
"You're supposed to kill her, not leave gag gifts in her friend's beds."
"It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big."
"I don't want to hurt you baby. (is forced to fight Drusilla) Doesn't mean I won't."
"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments; the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... without passion, we'd be truly dead."
"I wanted to say goodbye first. You are the one thing in this dimension I will miss."
"I want to torture you. I used to love it, and it's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured someone, they didn't even have chainsaws."
"That's great, Larry, you've really mastered the single entendre."
"You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen."
"I have a daughter who can take care of herself; whos brave and resourceful and thinks of others in a crisis. No matter who you hang out with or what dumb teenage stuff you think you need to do, Im gonna sleep better knowing all that."
"You walk out of this house right now, dont even think about coming back."
Ethan Rayne: "Who you are? The Watcher, sniveling, tweed-clad guardian of the Slayer and her kin? I think not. I know who you are, Rupert, and I know what you're capable of... But they don't, do they? They have no idea where you come from."
Kendra Young: "I am Kendra, the Vampire Slayer."
Kendra Young: "You talk about slaying like it's a job. It's not. It's who you are."
Whistler: "There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes... they're not. I'll show you what I mean."
Kendra Young: "In case the curse does not succeed, this is my lucky stake. I have killed many vampires with it. I call it Mr. Pointy."
Whistler: "Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are."
"I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, and you are?"
"You know, I just - I woke up and I looked in the mirror and I thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm-I'm dirty, I'm-I'm bad with the sex, and the envy, and that-that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. B-" Oh, I just suck at undercover."
(to Xander) "Didn't anyone ever warn you about playing with pointy sticks? It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye."
"She's not playing with a full deck. She has almost no deck. She has a three."
(to Angel) "I'm not coming back. We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.
"Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic."
"World is what it is. We fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that."
"Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's every day. It's what we have to do, and we can do it together, but if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn."
"What about me? I love you so much ... and I tried to make you go away ... I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard ... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't."
"I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but she had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me."
(to Jonathan) "My life happens on occasion to suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And its not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because theyre too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. Its not. Its deafening."
"Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!"
"Fire bad. Tree pretty."
"Oh, I'm gonna be busy a lot. But, but only till 3:00, and that's when you usually get up."
"Y'know, I'm having all sorts of... I'm dating, I..I'm having serious dating with a werewolf. A.. And I'm studying witchcraft and killing vampires, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about all this scary life stuff."
"There will be no 'bottle in face', and there will be no having of any kind with me!"
"It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?"
"I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!"
"That's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and ... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay."
(to Faith) "It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you! You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big, selfish, worthless waste."
(to Buffy) "Actually this isn't about you, although I'm fond don't get me wrong of you. The other night, you know being captured and all, facing off with Faith, things just kind of got clear. I mean you've been fighting evil here for three.. years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives and I just realized that's what I wanna do, fight evil, help people. I think it's worth doing and I don't think you do it 'cause you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in! And besides, I have a shot at being a badass Wicca, what better place to learn."
"I can't wait to see Cordelia. I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia."
"You can't just bury stuff, Buffy! It'll come right back up to get you..."
"Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not a good thing."
"I won't waste the perfect comeback on you, but don't think I don't have it. Oh, yes, its time will come."
"You know how some people hate to say 'I told you so'? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back in the really bad sense, and uh, I told you so."
"Yes, I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a good bruise."
"Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?"
"Well, it's just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you'll feed off the girl who loves you to save your own ass!"
"Well, for God's sake, be careful. I mean, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, you should be hurt or killed, I shall take it somewhat amiss."
"Unbelievable! "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!" Americans!"
"Demons after money. What ever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore."
"For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about."
"I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale. And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair. In fact, I wish all men, except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind, disappear off the face of the Earth. That would be so cool."
"Things are way out of control, Giles. First the thing at school, and then my mom confiscates all of my black clothes and scented candles. I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma."
"I have nothing, okay? No dresses. No cell phone. No car. Everythings been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes. For the last twelve years. Satisfied? Are you a happy Xander now? Im broke. I cant go to any of the colleges that accepted me. And I cant stay home because we no longer have one. Yeah, neato. Now you can run along and tell all of your friends how Cordy finally got hers. How she has to work part time just to get a lousy Prom dress on layaway. And how she has to wear a name tag!"
"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood; blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
"She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know, some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil and she was... She was just different. I gave her everything. Beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would flirt. I caught her on a park bench making out with a chaos demon. Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers; they're disgusting. She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine." And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know." And then she said... She said we could still be friends. God, I'm so unhappy."
"Ronnie: deadbeat. Steve: klepto. Kenny: drummer. Eventually I had to face up to my destiny as a loser magnet. Now it's strictly get some and get gone. You can't trust guys."
"Five by five."
"Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves."
"Well, you see, when I was a kid, I used to beg my mom for a dog. Didnt matter what kind. I just wanted, you know, something to love. A dogs all I wanted. Well, that and toys. But mom was so busy, you know, enjoying the drinking and passing out parts of life, that I never really got what I wanted."
"Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man."
"I saw you before you became the Slayer. I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps ... and ... and I loved you.'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe ... to warm it with my own."
"I've got two words that are gonna make all the pain go away: Miniature. Golf."
"There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true."
"Raise your hand if you're invulnerable..."
"Well, I'd get set for some weeping if I were you. I'd get set for a *world* of pain! Misery loves company, young man, and I'm looking to share that with you and your *whore*!"
The First Evil: "You think, you can fight me? I'm not a demon, little girl, I'm something that you can't even conceive, The First Evil, beyond sin, beyond death, I am the thing that darkness fears, you'll never see me but I am everywhere, in every being, every though, every drop of hate."
Joyce Summers: "This is not a good town. How many of us have lost someone who just... disappeared, or got skinned, or suffered 'neck rupture'? And how many of us have been afraid to speak out? I was supposed to lead us in a moment of silence. But silence is this town's disease. For too long it's been plagued by unnatural evils. It's not our town any more. It belongs to the monsters, to the witches and Slayers."
Quentin Travers: "She passed. You didn't. The Slayer is not the only one who must perform in this situation. I've recommended to the Council, and they've agreed, that you be relieved of your duties as Watcher immediately. You're fired. Your affection for your charge makes you incapable of clear and inpartial judgement. You have a father's love for the child and that makes you useless to the cause."
Wesley Wyndam-Price: "Oh, yes. Here's your first entry: [reading from Giles's diaries] 'Slayer is willful and insolent.' That would be our girl, wouldn't it? 'Her abuse of the English is such that I understand only every other sentence.' Oh, this is going to make fascinating reading."
Anya Jenkins: "For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High! Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math."
Anya Jenkins: "I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old. Just gimme a friggin' beer!...Gimme a Coke."
Vamp Willow: "This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies."
Principal Snyder: "You... all of you. Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?"
Joyce Summers: When it comes to you, Angel, she's just like any other young woman in love. You're all she can see of tomorrow. But I think we both know that there are some hard choices ahead. If she can't make them, you're gonna have to. I know you care about her. I just hope you care enough."
Oz: "Once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in "special occasion"."
Jonathan Levison: "We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she, um...This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, well, t-the prom committee asked me to read this. "We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here. But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history, and we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks and gives you, uh, uh, this." [he produces a gold, glittering, miniature umbrella with a small metal plaque attached to the shaft] It's from all of us, and it has written here, "Buffy Summers, Class Protector"."
Oz: "We attack the Mayor with hummus."
(to Xander) "Thanks for the dadaist pep talk, I feel much more abstract now."
"Wish me monsters."
"There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate."
"Want beer. Like beer. Beer good."
"A flare gun? Xander, if I find Spike I'm staking him, not signaling ships at sea!"
"And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men. Evil. You know, 'straight up, black hat, tied to the train tracks, soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis' bad. Not all mixed up with guilt and the destruction of an indigenous culture."
"Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be 'William the Bloody' or just 'Spike'? Cause... either way, it's going to look majorly weird."
"Spike lips! Lips of Spike!"
"I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer. Slay-er. Chosen One. She-who-hangs-out-a-lot-in-cemeteries? You're kidding. Ask around. Look it up: "Slayer, comma the."
"Fun? The last person I know that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job."
"Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me."
"So ... I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One ... and her friends."
"This isn't your business. It's mine. You, The Initiative, the suits in the Pentagon... You're all messing with primeval forces you can't begin to understand. I'm the Slayer. And you're playing on my turf."
"But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums yes! I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care! Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men with your groping and spitting, all groin, no brain, three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your ... sales."
"I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones. Now give me back my friends."
"It's just in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon; you really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the-the collective intelligence, it's like this force, t-this penetrating force, a-and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know? A-and letting this place just thrust into and-and spurt knowledge into... that sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in."
(on the phone to Giles) "I just talked to Buffy, and yeah, I think she's feeling a little ... insane. No, not-not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, 'kay?"
"Buffy's looking at Parker. Who, it turns out, has a reflection. So, big plus there."
"Buffy, that is my best friend, you need to think about not-Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis."
"How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?"
(to Riley) "Then talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun."
"Bunch of Wanna-Blessed-Bes. You know, nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones."
"Must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying! I-It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've... I mean, yippee! We have the information."
"You're blackmailing the government! In a patriotic way..."
"Some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke. They took her stuff, and now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans."
"Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. 'Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger.' No wait, hold on. 'Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.' Hold on, no, umm, 'First you get the women, then you get the money, then you...'okay, can we forget that?"
"Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club' for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?"
"Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things, among them the kitchen at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club.' Let me tell you something, when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero."
"Pfff—Nothing can defeat the penis! ... Too loud, very unseemly."
"No studying? Damn. Next thing you'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts or sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here. I ask you, how much can one man give?"
"Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last."
"Can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?"
"That's it! I am way past through with you! Hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad any more. You're not even the Kinda Naughty! You're nothing but a waste of space. My space! And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny, white bum, and as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something... You're not even worth it."
"Spike's working for Adam? After all we've done - Nah. I can't even act surprised."
"It's a shame that I never got to tell you how happy I am that you were eaten by a giant snake."
"Sometimes I think about two women doin' a spell ... and then I do a spell by myself."
"Don't taunt the fear demon."
"I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse."
"It's the end of the world."
"Nobody deserves mime, Buffy."
"I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped. And, frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not ... interlock. Please remove your clothing now."
"Soon he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again."
"To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice. With pie."
"Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion."
"The problem is, what kind of girl's gonna go out with a guy who's acting all Joe Regular by day, and turns Demon Hunter by night?"
"She's good at what she does. And she has the truest soul I've ever known."
"We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think."
(to Harmony) "I love syphilis more than you."
"I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies any more."
''"You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and took their land. That's what conquering nations do. That's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' around saying, 'I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it.' The history of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story."
"Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture."
"Whats this? Sitting around watching the telly while theres evil still afoot? Thats not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, cant go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Lets find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Lets annihilate them. For justice, and for... the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right? Lets fight that evil! Lets kill something! Oh, come on!"
"My point is, the Beatles were a very powerful group. It's not a stretch to say that they pretty much ruled the world. When the group broke up, everybody blamed poor Yoko. The truth is, the group broke itself up. She just happened to be there."
"You think you know what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun."
Professor Maggie Walsh:
"You know the rules. You know I hate exceptions, and yet somehow, you feel your exception is exceptional. It is. To you. But since I'm neither a freshman nor a narcissist, I have to consider the whole class. If your friend can't respect my schedule, I think it's best he not come back. It's not my job to coddle my students."
Sunday: "The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple."
Harmony: "Being a vampire sucks."
Parker Abrams: "The difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat is that the toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it." (Riley punches him)
Ethan Rayne: "I've got to learn to just do the damage and leave town. It's the "stay and gloat" that gets me every time."
The Cheese Man: "I wear the cheese. It does not wear me."
"And you're sure this isn't just some fan boy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat."
"You think I dont watch your movies? You always come back."
"Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad... you suck."
"Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from "A" to "Z" - from ax to ... zee other ax."
"I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. The guy is really starting to bug me in that special 'I want to shove something wooden through his heart' kind of way."
"You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all wrapped up into one. Q from Bond, not Star Trek."
(to a vampire) "I've always wanted piano lessons. So really... who's surprised we've got this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I express mine better. Tell you what... you find yourself a good anger management class, and I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart."
"Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto."
"You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to break things by looking at 'em?"''
"Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I'm not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends and they both left. Really left. 'Left town' left."
"Ow. I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with super-strong little women who aren't me."
"We're not supposed to move the body!"
"I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around."
"I can't beat Glory. Glory's going to win. I didn't just know it. I felt it. And in that second of knowing it, Wil? I wanted it to happen. I wanted it over. This is—all of this—it's too much for me. I just wanted it over. If Glory wins, then Dawn dies. And I would grieve. People would feel sorry for me. But it would be over. I imagined what a relief it would be. I killed Dawn. My thinking it made it happen. Some part of me wanted it. And in the moment Glory took Dawn, I know I could've done something better. But I didn't. I was off by some fraction of a second. And this is why I killed my sister."
"Glory. You're not the brightest god in the heavens, are you?"
"Dawn, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me."
"Better to light a candle than curse the damn darkness."
"Am I late? Did I miss any exposition?"
"Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus. Except thinner, and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish."''
"I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things without paying for it. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?"
"But it's a whole night and I don't think I can sleep without her."
"All this. It has a name. It's called guilt. It's a feeling, and it's important. But it's not more than that, Buffy. Buffies. You've carried the weight of the world on your shoulders since high school and I—I know you didn't ask for this but you do it, every day. And so you wanted out for one second. So what?"
"Gun? I can't be a gun! Maybe a cudgel! Or a pointy stick!"
"The, uh, fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman."
"As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey."
"Maybe it's time to start looking for a new place ... Buffy you've been to Hell. They had one bedrooms, right?"
"So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" Symphony?"
"I've gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just thought you might wanna know."
"You missed the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need... If you're ready for that... Then think about what you're about to lose."
"Oh, good show, Giles. Uhh... at least you didn't get knocked out for a change."
"I bet the death rate keeps the rent down."
"I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."
"We listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys."
(to Ben) "No she couldn't (kill Glory). Never. And sooner or later Glory will re-emerge, and... make Buffy pay for that mercy. And the world with her. Buffy even knows that ... and still she couldn't take a human life. She's a hero, you see. She's not like us."
"Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me £11, for one thing."
"I will know your blood Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice and drink deep."
"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there! That nasty little face, that bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude."
"Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess...you won't kill me? Wooo...the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. Outstandingly original. I'm just passing through, satisfied. You know I really hope so, God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and...and you have stupid hair."
The only thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Everyday you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you. Is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know, what's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. She merely wanted it. Every Slayer... has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world. Your mum, brat kid sister, Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just puttin' off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second - the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in. Have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did."
(to Riley) "Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent... No, you got the better deal."
"I liked the lady! Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me. And she never treated me like a freak!"
(to the Buffybot) "'Cause Buffy. The other, not so pleasant Buffy. Anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her... And I can't live seeing her in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."
"Ben, Glory. He's a doctor, she's the Beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. It's like a bloody sitcom."
"She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told mom one time I wish they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs."
"Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts. Jeez, crack a book sometime."
"Touch me and my sister's gonna kill you!"
"Um, guys, hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing."
"Where'd she go?"
"Ohh, I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?"
"If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know? Big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second, "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave... Like that, okay?"
"Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and-and have drugs!"
"Oh, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like... Whoa! I'm eleven hundred years old here. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans."
"I don't understand. I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she can't just get back in it and not be dead any more. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid, and, and Xander's crying and not talking, and I was having fruit punch and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever and no one will explain to me why."
(to Willow) "You can sleep with me... Well, now, that came out a lot more lesbian that it sounded in my head."
"You know what else is un-American? French people."
"Did anybody order an apocalypse?"
(to Willow) "You know what they used to do to witches, lover? Crucify 'em!"
"Funny. 'Cause I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of, and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who's not crazy? Look around - everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up ... shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out 'cause they don't want 'em any more. I'm crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind 'cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts. Name one person who can take it here. That's all I'm asking. Name one."
"The Slayer's a robot? Did everybody else know the Slayer was a robot?"
"Uh..Buffy slayed the football."
"'I'm here to violate your firstborn'... never really goes over that well with parents. I don't know why..."
"Psychologically this is fascinating, doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Just me then."
"Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content... just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me"
"Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass."
"You're a killer."
Dracula: "You are strange and off-putting. Go now."
Harmony: "The second you even point that thing at her you're gonna be all ... 'Ahhh!' and then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street."
Angel: "You can't keep this up forever. If I can't teach you, maybe someday an angry crowd will. That ... or the Slayer."
Cecily: "I do see you. That's the problem. You're nothing to me, William. You're beneath me."
Joyce Summers: "I'd rip it in half and stick it in bed with me."
"Is this hell?"
"I was happy. Wherever I was ... I was happy ...at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time...didn't mean anything. Nothing had form. But I was still me, you know? And I was warm. And I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I ... I don't understand theology or dimensions, any of it really... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there. Pulled out, by my friends. Everything here is hard and bright and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch. This is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that. Knowing what I've lost. They can never know. Never."
"It's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world. Which is too bad, you know, 'cause that I'm really good at."
"Are you in the wrong line? That's for deposits, that's for withdrawals, and this one... Is for getting kicked in the face."
"Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the Magic Shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker."
"I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish yet affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here. And that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies."
"A vampire with a soul? Oh my God... how lame is that?"
"I think this line's mostly filler."
"Demons. Ah, well, there's something you don't see every day. Unless you're us."
"Mist, cemetery, Halloween... This should end well."
"Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea."
"Uh, I do remember what I said. The promise...to protect her. If I'd have done that ... even if I didn't make it ... you wouldn't have had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I save you."
"You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little."
"Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... bloody hell... sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks... oh, god. I'm English!"
"I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the helpless. I'm a vampire with a soul."
"Randy Giles? Why not just call me Horny Giles or Desperate for a Shag Giles? I knew there was a reason I hated you."
"Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic mid-life crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis."
"Already been looted! Sorry! Try the appliance store down the block! They've got great toasters!
"The jet-lag from hell has gotta be, you know, jet-lag from hell."
"Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel. God! I hate this! This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do-and I'm closer to it!"
"It has to be stopped. It was like we were being watched, like there was a wall missing from our apartment. Like there were only three walls and not a fourth one."
"Dawn may have had the wrong idea in summoning this creature. But I've seen some of these underworld child-bride deals, and they never end well. Maybe once."
"I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's 'Mmm-Fashnik'. Like 'Mmm... Cookies!'."
"I'm not really much for the timber."
Jonathan: "Stop touching my magic bone!"
Andrew: "Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and beat Sean Connery over the head with it!"
Buffybot: "That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo."