Eric Cartman: (introducing himself and his friends to the camera) All right, hey! What's up, guys? I'm Eric Cartman, and behind me are my good friends Stan, Kenny and Kyle.
Kyle Broflovski: ...What are you doing?
Eric Cartman: Oh, yeah, I was gonna tell you guys. You're gonna love this. We're gonna do a vlog together!
Kyle Broflovski: ...What?!
Kenny McCormick: We are?
Kyle Broflovski: ...What the hell are you talking about, Cartman?
Stan Marsh: Yeah, what do you mean we're gonna do a vlog? Just get together and talk about our days or something?
Eric Cartman: Naturally! I already made a page for the thing. I'll handle all the technical stuff. All you guys have to do is sit around and answer questions. Easy.
Kyle Broflovski: Wha— wait, hold on a second! You can't just tell us anything and start recording! We didn't even agree to anything!
Eric Cartman: Ugh, don't you know how a vlog works, Kyle? I couldn't tell you because then your reaction would have been fake.
Kyle Broflovski: That's beside the point. We didn't agree to it. Why would we want to do something as egotistical as a vlog?
Eric Cartman: Hey, Stan, Ken. Do you wanna do a fun-ass blog and maybe get Internet famous and loved by tons of people and maybe even get free stuff from them?
Kenny McCormick: Fuck yeah!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, sure, it sounds like fun.
Kyle Broflovski: Wait, really?
Eric Cartman: There you go, Kyle. Your boyfriend's all for it, so untwist your panties. (to camera) So, you guys, if you wanna ask us questions, you can put them in the inbox below. I'll link it for you. You can ask all of us, or you can ask someone specific. Just put that "at" symbol in front of our names. Like, @Eric, @Stan, @Kenny or @Kyle. And Kyle IS gonna participate in this vlog because he's not a total dick. See ya soon!
— The introduction of the blog
Cartman: Welcome back, guys! Guess whose blog got 36 pieces of fanmail overnight?
Kyle: What? Seriously?
Cartman: Hmm, let's see, this one's for Kenny. "Kenny, I need to know that I love you and that you are super... kawaii. Blush face." ...Hm. That was fast.
Kenny: (intrigued) Someone likes me?
Stan: Nice, it's been only a day and you already have a fan, Kenny.
Cartman: ...Two, actually. "Kenny, you are a cutie and literally everyone loves you. A plus."
Kenny: Whoa, this vlog is pretty fuckin' cool!
Kyle: It's probably some girls from our school.
Cartman: Nah, they probably just saw, like, the whole princess face Kenny's got going on and fell in love with it. ...Oh, wow, you have a fan too, Jew. It says, "Kyle, why are you so amazing?"
Kyle: No way! This has to be someone we know from school or something.
Cartman: Yeah, you've got a point, Kyle. I mean, there's no way someone would call you amazing because of your looks.
Kyle: Shut the fuck up, fatso.
— The blog gets its first batch of fanmail
(Butters Stotch makes a post, explaining why Cartman has been acting strange, as well as the fact that got called a whore by some peers and understandably was hurt at that. The post boils down to him exploiting himself on Chaturbate for money, and Butters tells the peers in advance to watch what they say about him. ...But right as he posts that, Cartman finds out.)
Cartman: (furious) Butters, what the fuck! Why the fuck would you post that?!
Butters: (putting his hands up in defense) Wait— Eric! Let me explain!
Stan: Dude... is that true...?
Cartman: (ignoring Stan) You think this is funny, you fucking asshole?!
Butters: No! No! I don't think it's funny! I was just trying to help you get it off your chest because you were stressing out!
Kenny: Just relax, Cartman. You already deleted it. The followers probably didn't even see it.
Cartman: The fuck do you know?! Do you know how many people watch us?! There's probably screenshots of it by now!!
Butters: N-No, Eric, the people on the blog like you! They- they care about your wellbeing!
Cartman: (holding his head in his hands, getting very pissed) God damn it...!
Butters: (tearfully and hysterically) That's why I posted it, Eric! I want you to do the right thing! They want you to do the right thing too! If they knew, they'd want to help! Please- Eric- don't be sore at me! I know you didn't want to say anything, but you needed to be honest—!!
(Extremely set off, Cartman forcefully grabs Butters by the shoulders)
Cartman: (enraged) YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I FUCKING NEED, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!
Kyle: Cartman, stop!
Stan: Dude, let him go!
Cartman: DON'T STAND THERE AND ACT LIKE YOU DID ME A FUCKING FAVOR! YOU HUMILIATED ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! I TRUSTED YOU!! AND ALL YOU DID WAS RUIN ME!!
(Suddenly, Butters punches Cartman square in the face. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are both shocked)
Butters: (more hysterical) A-Ah! Eric! I-I-I— I'm sorry! I dunno what came over me! I just...!
Kenny: (comforting him) Relax... it was just a reflex.
(Cartman wipes blood from his lip)
Butters: Oh my gosh... Eric...
Butters: Wha— but— I didn't mean to! I was just scared!
(Cartman takes his hat off... and literally rips it in half with his bare hands, dropping the remains to the floor)
Cartman: (growling) Get the fuck out of my house.
Kenny: ...Come on, Eric. We can—
(A brief shocked silence occurs)
Stan: Come on, guys...
(The boys leave Cartman shaking with fury)
— Butters unravels an unwanted, personal secret about Cartman
(Kyle returns to Cartman's house, where he happens upon a broken camera being thrown out of Cartman's bedroom door. He opens the door.)
(Cartman is slumped against the wall, having punched a hole in it, along with overturning a lamp, leaving a poster hanging from the wall, an overturned, ripped chair cushion, and disheveled bed covers)
Kyle: Hey... aren't these cameras expensive?
Cartman: I only broke one of them. Relax, Jew.
Kyle: ...Hey, you know Butters didn't mean anything by that, right? He was just being stupid.
Cartman: ...Ha. Sure. Butters is just that dumb. First he outs me to the group and the Internet, and now this. This couldn't be his way of trying to fuck me over. He's too dumb for that. Yeah, right...
(squeezes Polly Prissy Pants in anger)
Kyle: (placing a hand on Cartman's shoulder) Knock it off, Cartman. I want you to talk to me.
Cartman: ... About what?
Kyle: You know. About why you were doing... that stuff.
Cartman: Why? You read Butters' post. It's obviously because I'm lonely and I wanted extra money. That's my calling, right? Like mother, like son...
Kyle: He said you were upset about it. You couldn't have enjoyed it. Or even wanted to do it in the first place.
Cartman: It doesn't matter why I did it, Kyle. It's fucking done with. People paid me for sexual acts. I'm a whore now.
Kyle: It does matter, Cartman. Just tell me.
Cartman: You know how I smashed that Mullen kid's car? Like, a year and a half ago? And then his stupid parents ended up dragging me to court and I got a huge fine?
Kyle: Yyyeah... but you said your mom paid it off with her crack money and it was a win-win situation.
Cartman: My mom hasn't done crack since I was in 6th grade. There actually wasn't any extra money.
Kyle: ...So that's it? You just went and—
Cartman: (annoyed) No, Kyle! It wasn't my idea! It you want the explanation, let me fucking finish this time.
Kyle: (putting his hands up in defense, startled) Wh— Jeez, okay, dude.
Cartman: I TRIED looking for a normal job. But with a rep like mine, it's not exactly easy. And, y'know, starting a business isn't a walk in the park when you don't have a cute kid face advertising itself. My mom started telling me I'd have to do what she did. To help her with the money. She just kept bringing it up. I hated it. I hated that she even thought I'd do something like that. Then one day, I got sick of her asking. I told her all she was was a pathetic shell of a woman who could only keep friends around with sex. And that no one cared about her.
Kyle: (uncomfortable) Yeesh...
Cartman: I was just pissed off. I didn't think about what I was saying. But then... the next day, when I went to her room... I caught her. ...She was standing on a chair... just staring at me... with a noose in her hands...
(Kyle becomes shocked at this)
Cartman: After I talked her down, we made a compromise. I told her I'd meet her halfway and do camshow stuff. Now we make enough money. I don't have to use that site anymore. The only reason I still do it is to try to take back what I said to her.
Kyle: ...Jesus, dude... and you did it for a year and a half...? I had no idea this was happening...
Cartman: Ha ha, yeah. No one knew for a while. I'm a good actor. (smirking) I'm so good at acting that everyone on that blog thinks I'm fucking awesome. But I'm actually a piece of shit that I made my mom try to kill herself.
Kyle: That's not really something to smile about.
Cartman: I'm just joking, Jew.
Kyle: Dude, come on... I can tell how upset you are over this. You keep trying to laugh it off like your pain's some kind of joke. But it's not. I know it's not. I care about you, Cartman. I don't want you to act in front of me.
Cartman: ...Ha... you always call me on my bullshit, Kyle... ha ha...
(he tearfully laughs as Kyle hugs him. Cartman is momentarily surprised by this... then hugs him tight, crying into his shoulder)
Cartman: Fuck... I fucked up so hard...
Kyle: It's okay... we'll sort this out with her, dude...
— Cartman opens up to Kyle about the real reason why he started this blog