I put in an order to the empire to send me a shitload of badasses and pillage-hungry murder machines. Instead all I got was you cupcake cockclowns and a side order of fucknuggets. I can tell at a glance that at least 50% of you are cocksuckers, and the other 50% are cocksuckers who've never been told to believe in themselves. I'm going to shove my boot so far and fast up your assholes it'll trigger a geological event. You all reek of poverty and animal abuse. Every breath you take is a stunning endorsement of abortion.You shitstains are a collective masterpiece of failure. You cockgoblins circle jerk each other to exhaustion every night. You signed up to get pounded by the Titans and probably cried like sissies when you realized they actually don't have dicks. Your sensitive pussies cry so many tears you could float away on a river of douche canoes. You glitter-toed, cock-wrangling fairytinkle fagpuffin fuckpuppets are gonna get your collective anal cavities stretched so far apart you'll think you were getting double-fisted by the Colossal Titan himself! I will reorganize the failure that is all of your lives. I will FUCK START your souls. I'll make you mongoloid rock-chomping thundercunts scream harder than your mothers after her fourth failed coathanger abortion. I'm going to chop off your shriveled balls, put them where your eyes should be, put a sombrero on your head and beat you like a piñata. Hell, I'll make you shit so many bricks you'll put the Mexicans out of business. But fear NOT. Because in three years, I will turn you cock monarchs into fuckmasters of galactic destruction!
— Shadis' epic rant to the 104th recruits
You thought you were fighting a mere mortal?! You thought you could probe the darkness that is my mind???! FOOL! I shall drown you in the maelstorm of my nightmares! My tentacles will twist and contort your throat as I throttle you with visions of hemaphroditic succubi and violent Oedipal rape fantasies!!! I will take your cities. I will subjugate your children. I will rape and devour your armies. But you, only you, will remain alive. So you may bear testament to my will and ultimate REVENGEANCE!!!
— Armin embracing the Dark Side
WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK YOU, EREN! I'M GONNA EAT YOUR SOUL! I'M GONNA ANNIHILATE YOU, KID! YOU SEE THIS FUCKIN' ASCOT I'M WEARIN'? THIS'S MY CHILD-BEATING ASCOT; I GOT IT FOR BEATIN' FIFTY KIDS IN A ROW! THAT'S RIGHT, ERENYOU'RE FUCKED! I LOOOVE BEATIN' CHILDREN, AND LOOKIN' GOOOOD IN THIS ASCOT FWOOOOOO!! I'M FUCKIN' WIRED RIGHT NOW! OVERPOWERIN' KIDS BUILDS MY SELF-ESTEEM! EREN, YOU EVER RIDDEN A HORSE? AREN'T THOSE THINGS FUCKIN' WEIRD? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF THEIR DICKS?? I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SAW ONE, I FELT LIKE LESS OF A MAN AND FOR YEARS I SUFFERED FROM GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES UNTIL I BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA MY FIRST CHIIIILD! BYEAAAH! I LOOVE CHILDREN TEARS! THE SUN'LL COME OUUUT~~ TO-MORROOOWWW! JUST NOT FO' YO' BITCH ASS; I'M CHOKIN' YO' LIGHTS OUT! GET FUCKED! MAN, EREN, YOU GETTIN' YO' ASS WHOPPED! I WISH I HAD SOMEONE AROUND WHEN I WAS A KID TO BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA ME LIKE THIS! YOU LUCKY BITCH! EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID, I KNEW I NEEDED TO GET MY ASS BEAT BUT NOBODY WOULD EVER HIT ME! DO YOU KNOW HOW TRAUMATIC THAT SHIT IS?! BAH! I HAD THE WORST CHILDHOOD EVER! ALL I WANTED WAS FOR MY DAD TO REALLY JUST WHIP MY ASS! JUST ONE GOOD FIRM SMACK ON THE BUTT-CHEEK BUT NOBODY EVER DID! YOU KIDS HAVE IT SO EASY NOWADAYS! YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA CHOKE THE SHIT OUTTA YOU HARDER NOW YOU FUCKIN' DIIIICK!!!
— Ascot Man choking Child!Eren
Ok, that's fucking it! "Mikasa, do you know karate?" "Mikasa, are you a samurai?" How about you try to actually get to know a culture next time before go and insult it with your stupid, insensitive bullshit. Oh, but let's face it, that's probably asking way too much, considering the dumb shit you piled on me all these past three years. In that case, feel free to have a taste of your own medicine, muppet-fucking, cracker-loving, flavored, honky-tonk, Krispy-Kreme, Pillsbury donut-cupcake, white supremacist, snowflake motherfuckers. Are there. Anymore. Questions.
— Mikasa delivering a "Reason You Suck" Speech to the other cadets.