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Whack Your Boss

  • Clicking on the drawer door causes the protagonist to try to rip it off the wall, complete with Angrish. When that fails, he just smashes his boss' face into it.
    • The boss's smug, amused face as the protagonist struggles to detach the door is especially hilarious.
  • Clicking on the ruler causes the protagonist to throw it at the boss' head. It goes right through his skull and kills him. The protagonist then casually goes back to what he was doing.
  • Clicking on the protagonist's chair causes him to beat his boss up a bit before throwing him onto the chair. Then he ties the boss to the chair using his belt and pushes him down the hall through the window.
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  • In one death, after the boss gets hit once, he flatly says, "You're fired." Then when he gets hit twice; "I'm gonna have you arrested-"
  • The boss's full "The Reason You Suck" Speech in Whack Your Boss, if you let him ramble on.
    The Boss: No no no no no. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's come to my attention that you're not measuring up. You need to stay late. Again. With no overtime. Your project has to be completely redone. You can't seem to do anything right. Oh - I'm gonna have to write you up again too. You're just not measuring up. That's three more demerits this week. Did you get the memo about the paycut? 10% across the board. We've got to cut back, it's the bottom line, you see. And your insurance copays? Yeah, they're going up. Better tighten your belt. We're merging with a bigger company. There's gonna be one flavor of ice cream, one brand of coffee, one car. There's twenty people waiting for your job. One third of Americans work for less than $8.50 an hour. Get used to it. Be happy with what you got. You'll have to play catch up on the weekend, with no overtime pay of course. You're not meeting your quota. What's that you say? The quota's impossible to meet? Duh. Here's how it works. I sit in my office; my corner office, and I do some simple math. I look at other companies similar to ours. I get stats, I take a nap...(burps) I crunch some numbers, and if the figures show it's only humanly possible for one person to complete, say, 10 projects a week...I double it. and that becomes your new quota, 20 projects per week. Simple. Of course it's impossible. That's the whole point. Gotta keep you on edge. We'll give you some malarkey about setting the bar high, meeting goals, etc., but that's not the real reason. We've got to keep you in fear. Fearful people develop low self-esteem. Thus, they'll never ask for a raise. What? ...You want a raise?
    • There is also his speech in Whack Your Boss 2: Fantasy Edition. While in the original he was simply a Jerkass, the new speech goes on an Overly Long Gag:
    The Boss: No no no no no. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Didn't you get the memo? Here's a fun fact: memos are not created to inform the recipient. They're designed to protect the sender. So, how long have you been sitting there? Over ten years, and in that time, nothing has changed except you've gotten weaker, and I've gotten stronger. It's been heaven; corporate mergers, less government restrictions. Governments, that's a laugh. I now have the power to sue governments. They can't even protect their own intellectual property. Which means I create nothing new, and I'm proud of it. I simply sit back, and wait for someone else to create something, then, I steal it. What's that? I'm a parasite? Of course I am. Parasites are survivors, and they will outlive most species in the impending mass extinction. Awww... is that depressing? Good. I want you in a depressed hell where you won't ask for anything. Even this cubicle was designed to break you down by separating you from your fellows. At the same time, it deprives you the privacy of a real office. Thus, your cubicle takes away your community and privacy, zero dignity. You feel trapped? Alone? Powerless? Have your doctor write you another prescription. You want to know how I tolerate this place? Here's a little secret: I don't like working here, I love it. I thrive here. I mask my low self-esteem with corporate buzzwords like "vibrant", "robust", "core competency", "optics", "sustainability"... that's a joke. Sustainable energy projects will cost the company way too much money. The environment can wait. Oh, polar bears are dying? Grizzly bears will handle it. As we speak, grizzlies are moving north and mating with the polar bears. A whole new species! Bees are dying? Switch to agabey. Save the whales? Clone the whales. Debate that around your little water cooler. Oh, and enjoy that free cup of water. It could be your last. What you heard is true, water is the new oil. The water wars aren't coming. They're already here. Didn't you get the memo?
  • The briefcase death can be a good dose of Black Comedy, with blood gushing out of the boss' face and falling onto the inside of the case. A small Beat, then the employee proceeds to "close" it. As in stomp on it repeatedly. Another Beat as he just stares at what he did...then he decides to meditate.

Whack Your Computer


Whack the Burglars

  • Patrick's gleeful murdering of the burglars is done while wearing bunny slippers.

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