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Multiple Chapters:

  • Practically everything the Governance de Magi says while staging its council meetings. Especially Melchior's lines. In particular:
    (The Governance de Magi is asking for volunteers to go after Rohoph)
    Melchior: I'd go, but I need to wash my hair.
    Gaspar: YOU DON'T FOOLIN' WELL HAVE ANY PRUNIN' HAIR, YOU LAGABOUTIN' SPOUTIN' POUTIN' TROUT!
    Melchior: So it will take a very long time to wash it. You see, mathematically, since I have no hair, and dividing by zero results in infinity, it shall take an infinite amount of time to wash my hair.
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    Item Descriptions 

Tobias Cornwall is a legendarily Lemony Narrator, and this is really put on display with item descriptions:

Potion: A concoction made from bleach, vinegar, urine, and a pinch of brown sugar. Its aroma alone can melt steel, but fortunately for you, all it does in this game is restore 100HP.

BetterPotion: It's better than a normal potion because it restores 200HP, and has more friends, listens to trendier music, and gets invited to more parties. As well as more sex. Ohyes.

Mugwortjuice: A potion made from the Mugwort herb, which has some sort of healing properties, apparently. It restores 500HP. And causes seizures.

God Piss: This exciting potion restores 600HP and 60MP. The name is misleading, you'll be glad to know; it's never been anywhere NEAR a REAL god.

Chocolate Milk: This 'chocolate milk' restores 1000HP and cures the eight common negative status effects. The name is, of course, a euphemism. invoked

FigJuice: A thick, gloopy, purple concoction made of figs. No, not THOSE kind of figs! You and your dirty mind! Behave! It restores 2000HP, and causes acute feelings of distaste towards women. Yes, even for women; the self-loathing makes it worse for them.

Manaberry: When consumed, this plump, succulent, juicy, glowing cyan berry instantly restores 50 of your precious Mana Points. Or Magic Points, if you think they're called that. They also cause severe diarrhea, nausea, hallucinations, and malignant tumours, but that's not relevant.

Ether: This magical draught restores 100MP, and is probably made from liquefied fairies, or something. Who knows? But does it MATTER? You'll drink it anyway, even if you just found it lying around in some manky cave.

Antidote: This tiny vial of green liquid can cure most poisons when imbibed. Unfortunately though, it also tastes like poison itself. Oh well.

MotionPotion: This type of potion cures Paralysis. They're also useful for cheating at sport, perhaps?!

HolyWater: Holy water blessed by YALORT, used to cure curses and zombification. Being blessed by YALORT as it is, it burns the mouth of pretty much anyone when they drink it. It burns skin even if you just rub it on, too.

LiquidSound: This vial contains a vaguely liquid-like substance that cures silence when drunk. And when even sober! Wow!

LiquidLight: A magical potion which can restore the sight of magically blinded eyes somehow. Maybe it's made from eye juice?!?

BalloonJuice: If you drink this bodily juice from a Balloon monster, you'll be cured of numbness. You'll also be really disgusting. Ew.

Remedy: This potent potion can remove any and all status effects. Probably because it's orange. It's not made of oranges, though, unfortunately. Does that make you cry? I bet it does.

Bottle O' Acid: A good ol' fashioned bottle of scalding acid, just like mother used to make. Lob it at summat.

Liquid Lightning: Lightning, magically converted to liquid form. It reverts to its true form when under stress, so throw it in something's face for kicks, you sadist. Gods, you deserve to be in prison.

Chapter 1:

  • After getting home from the Imagine Spot that is Mardek and Deugan saving a princess, the former's mother asks what you did. One of the choices in the dialogue tree has Mardek getting things a bit backwards.
    Mardek: We slew a princess and saved a dragon!

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Chapter 2:

  • The encyclopedia's description of the zombie locksmith miniboss.
    WHY A ZOMBIE LOCKSMITH?! WHY?! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! IT DOESN'T FIT IN ANYWHERE AT ALL!! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!
  • The 'Concerning Sirens' book found in Elwyen's house.
    Concerning Sirens: I've heard they're dead sexy. Sexier than the sexiest human woman ever! I wish I could see one! I'd ogle it 'til the cows came home! Yowza! However, they're so dead sexy that they make you dead by being sexy. GET IT? BWAHAHAH! ...It made ME laugh! I wonder if this book will get published?
    Concerning Sirens: Also, included on the following pages are sketches of Sirens. I'm sure THAT will get this book published!
    Mardek (excited mugshot): !
    Emela (angry mugshot): !

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Chapter 3:

  • Every single thing Solaar says.
  • Saul, an over-the-top necromancer who narrates his life in a mixture of Purple Prose and Stylistic Suck.
  • Take Vehrn and Elywen into the Dark Temple. Talk to Elywen. Do the same, but with Elwyen and Solaar. Laughter will ensue.
  • The Warport security is full of these. Answer a question wrong and the security person turns into a giant demon and kills you almost instantly. The best part is that they will call you a terrorist and then kill you if, for example, you say that the color blue is ugly, that you don't have enough legs, or that you don't find them attractive.
    (Gaspar is talking about how he will kill Mardek's party before they level up enough to pose a threat)
  • This particular GdM conversation:
    Melchior: But what if they all use their soul transfer thingy-majigs?
    Balthazar: I keep telling you: humans cannot do that, myes. They are weak and pathetic and they can't even perceive psychic energy waves or electromagnetic radiation.
    Melchior: You have to believe, Balthy. You have to believe.

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