Ira: Cut him open, let's get this thing! Harry: Cut me open?! There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!
Dr. Paulson: We might have to amputate. (grabs a surgical saw) Harry: Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg. Ira: Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete. Nurse Tate: Doctor, look! Dr. Paulson: It's headed for his testicles! (Beat) Harry: Take it! Take it!!TAKE THE LEG!!
Alison: Can we get you anything? Do you need anything? Harry: Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream, please. Alison: Yeah? What flavour? Harry: It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Harry's reaction to the field of dead alien birds... and Ira's reaction to Harry's reaction...
Harry: GREAT GOOGLE-MOOGLE! Ira: (Looks at Harry with a bemused look)
Wayne: (steps up to microphone) Ka-kaw. Ka-kaw? Ka-kaaaw! Ah-ah-ee-ee-tookie-tookie-tookie-tookie-ka-kaw-ka-kaw-kaw-kaw! Harry: Wayne, I think we've established that "Ka-Kaw Ka-Kaw" and "Tookie-Tookie" don't work. Wayne:(sheepish) Right. Sorry. (After a short while, he starts singing into the mic, to the utter disbelief of Ira and Harry) Wayne:(singing) You are so beautiful, to meeee... (Ira and Harry stare at him) Ira: ...Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him. Harry: Uh-uh, stand down! I'm gonna kill this one myself. Wayne: You are so beautiful, to meeee... Harry: Wayne, please stop singing because you are embarassing me. Wayne:(right at him) CAN'T YOU SEEEE-EEEEE!
Harry: [upon hearing that his singing is working] Yeah, sing, sing! Rub some funk on it!
Ira's "fruit basket" for General Woodman.note It gets better when you realize that wasn't scripted. After a long day's shoot, everybody was punchy and irritable, and Duchovny did it as a goof. When Reitman asked if it was for the film or just "for the troops," Duchovny decided to Throw It In!
Harry holding the bottle of Head and Shoulders shampoo backwards during the commercial at the end.
Ira: Last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems both entitled "Cells are Bad" and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory: "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same boring old magazine everyday. The end."
The General explains how to kill the alien.
General Woodman: With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.
Ira and Allison sneak out of the awards ceremony.
Allison: Your big moment, huh? You wouldn't want to miss this for anything. beat, Ira looks at her, the two back away from the line quietly
Then the governor notices they're missing.
Governor: And finally, Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed, whose tireless efforts and research and academic findings led to the- [notices they're missing][looks to Harry] Harry: I think he's giving her a bit of the Kanemadness. Governor: [beat]Oh.