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Funny / Corner Gas

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  • From the first episode, after Hank announces his plan to boycott Lacey's refurbished coffee shop:
    Brent: Hank, if you had the power to put companies outta business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash?
    Wanda: Yeah, and deodorant.
    Emma: Clean underwear.
    Brent: Books.
    Wanda: Pants that fit.
    Emma: Nail clippers.
    (Hank walks away)
    Brent: Dandruff shampoo.
    Wanda: floss.
    Emma: Toilet paper.
    Oscar: Pickup trucks.
    (Emma groans).
    Brent: You don't know what we're doing, do you dad?
    Oscar: Shut up!
  • The whole "world's biggest hoe" scene.
    Fitzy: The floor recognizes my grandma.
    Fitzy's Grandma: Dog River has always been a farming community. I think that we should build something that shows how proud we are of our agricultural heritage.
    Brent: There you go, now we're cooking.
    Fitzy's Grandma: My suggestion is we should build a hoe.
    Brent: Uh, world's biggest hoe?
    Lacey: They do attract people. And...and they certainly generate revenue.
    Fitzy's Grandma: It could be coming up out of the earth, covered with top soil.
    Brent: Okay, you know what, hold up just a second, hang on, I don't know if this 'hoe' thing is such a great idea. How about a big shovel?
    Local: That's almost the same thing.
    Hank: Jeez, Brent. First you try to steal my idea, now you're taking hers.
    Lacey: Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's grandma in the eye, and give her one good reason why this town can't build a great big dirty hoe.
    Brent: Um, alright. Well...You see, it's just that, uh...If, if...No reason, ma'am.
    Wes: Now I say we bolt some sheet metal onto an old telephone pole.
    Local: No, the wood's too dry. It'll crack.
    Brent & Lacey: Crack hoe.
    Brent: This really entertains you, doesn't it?
    Lacey: You have no idea.
    • And later, when telling Wanda about the event:
      Wanda: So nobody else got the hoe thing, huh?
      Brent: No. Well... actually, I think the mayor got it.
      (Whip Pan to flashback)
      Brent: Fitzy, are you really OK with building a-
      Fitzy: (angrily) What was I gonna say, Brent?! She's my grandma! My grandma! (makes an expression like he's about to cry while his face turns bright red)
      (Whip Pan to present)
      Brent: I've never seen a human face do that before. Looked like a balloon full of jam.
  • Wanda feels unappreciated at work after Lacey showers her employee Josh with praise, gives him a cake, and puts his picture on the wall naming him Employee of the Month. Lacey brings this up with Brent and asks "Don't you want to show people that you're a good employer?". In response, Brent puts a picture of himself on the wall naming him Employer of the Month. His face in the picture is suitably smug.
    Brent: Jeez, maybe I should hire Josh. The Employer and Employee of the Month, together? (whistles) That would be one hell of a month!
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  • Oscar's mental image of what he thinks a washing machine is: a whimsical brightly-coloured toy-like machine operated by singing elves.
  • When Karen is telling the story of who painted "Grad '68" on the water tower, Hank appears in flashback with a mullet. He interrupts the story and says he never had a mullet. Karen says she doesn't know what he looked like in high school so she just imagined him with a mullet, and Hank says she should look at his high school yearbook. Karen goes back to the story ... and Hank's head has been replaced by a big rectangle with "Photo Not Available" written on it.
    Hank: I slept in on Picture Day.
    • Karen talks to a paint store clerk (Julie Stewart, of Cold Squad) about how long spray paint should last. When told it was part of a cold case, she asks "Cold case? Who cares?" Soon after, an old woman asks if a paint sample is green, she exclaims, "I don't have all the answers!"
  • From "All My Ex's Live in Toronto":
    Oscar: (who doesn't want to go to the doctor) He's just gonna make something up. Tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick, and drop dead.
    Brent: You're confusing doctors and hypnotists.
  • When Oscar is helping out at the gas station:
    Oscar: I forgot about all the nutcases you meet on this job.
    Brent: Why? What happened?
    Oscar: Guy asked if we take Visa. I told him "This isn't the ballet. Cash or Chargex."
    Brent: Visa used to be Chargex. They changed their name.
    Oscar: (angrily) Since when?!
    Brent: Let's see... I remember the Chargex company changing its name to Visa... Then I was born...
    Oscar: Well, how was I supposed to know?
    Brent: Well, we have a big "Visa" sign.
    Oscar: We have a big "Pepsi" sign! Doesn't mean we take Pepsi!
    Brent: It means we sell Pepsi.
    Oscar: (angrily) We sell Pepsi? Since when?!
    Brent: (Beat) ...Tell Wanda I'll be at the Ruby.
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  • In the Season 6 episode "Queasy Rider", Lacey uses the incentives of tickets to a Saskatchewan Roughriders game, pizza, and beer to trick Davis into helping her move (who then tricks Karen into helping him). She immediately gives the tickets to Oscar after Davis establishes he's free to help her move. Then, after a whole day of back-breaking labour, the two cops are dismayed to find out that not only is the pizza Lacey promised a frozen pizza (which she ends up burning), but she packed the beer and now they must unpack absolutely everything in order to find it.
    Karen: (very pissed but not raising her voice) Fresh pizza now, or we start juggling the crystal.
    Davis: (as an aside to Karen) But we don't know how to juggle. (Karen looks at him knowingly) Oh yeah...and we don't know how to juggle.
    (Whip Pan to the Ruby. Karen and Davis are eating freshly made pizza, while Lacey is making another pizza at the front counter.)
    Davis: (addressing Lacey, raising his empty beer bottle) Ah, we need some more beer.
    Lacey: I'm not really licensed.
    Karen: We're the cops. (smiles) More beer! (gleefully bites into her slice)
  • From "Pilates Twist":
    Hank: I think I worked out a plan.
    Brent: All right, count me out.
    Hank: You haven't even heard it yet.
    Brent: See how I've learned?
  • From "Two Degrees of Separation":
    Brent: I don't know why I even involve you in my schemes.
    Hank: Well, maybe you're afraid of success on some level.
  • Davis has just assured Karen that she taught him a valuable lesson about gun safety. Then Hank walks up and asks to borrow Davis' gun. He hands it over, no questions asked, with a nonchalant "Here you go!"
  • In "Happy Campers," Wanda claims to be "busy busy busy" at the gas station because Brent is out of town, but Lacey is skeptical:
    Lacey: It is hardly busy enough over there for one busy, let alone three busy's.
    Wanda: It's crazy busy! I would have said four or five busy's, but I don't have that kinda time! Too busy!
    Lacey: You have been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes reading the menu, Miss Busy.
  • Oscar and Brent have an argument about windshield washer fluid:
    Oscar: I can't believe you'd sell something that doesn't even work!
    Brent: Of course it works; I'm not gonna sell something that doesn't work.
    Oscar: You sold me that stupid fishing reel that didn't work.
    Brent: And I gave you your money back, didn't I?
    Oscar: No!
    Brent: Stay on topic, this is about the washer fluid!
  • In "Hero Sandwich," Oscar and Hank are in a booth at The Ruby, and Hank says that a traffic light in Dog River is completely unnecessary because, "When it comes to getting around, I think we know what we're doing!" Then he and Oscar get up from the booth and immediately bump into each other.
    • Not to mention the Howler headlines of this ep- "Crosswalk HELL- Mayor Insane" and "Cattle Slaughtered By Werewolfs", and the scene where Wanda, Oscar, Hank and Fitzy's Grandma all get stuck at the intersection, resulting in confusion (Wanda despairingly exclaims, "Two geriatrics and an idiot. I'll never get home!" and then just drives away, snarking "More like a four-day stop").
  • Hank tries to borrow money from Brent yet again:
    Hank: I'm just a little short this week. Can you spot me a ten-ski?
    Brent: "Ten-ski." You always give it a cute little name so it won't seem like real money. (aside, to Wanda) Like that five-oh I lent him last week. Sorry Hank, you're a bad risk-a-roony.
  • Oscar once managed to blow up a salad.
  • In "The Eight Samurai", Wanda covers for Phil the bartender while he's out of town, and Hank wants to help her:
    Wanda: Fine, but there's three rules behind the bar: Shut up; don't annoy me; and shut up.
    Hank: That doesn't make any sense. The first and third rule are the same.
    Wanda: Well, you broke all three!
  • In "Dress For Success", Emma is washing dishes and Brent is leaning on the wall next to her, discussing his plot involving Wanda's skirt:
    Emma: Well, if you're just gonna stand there, you can help me with these dishes.
    Brent: Geez, I better not stand here, then. [He hurries away.]
  • From "The Brent Effect":
    Lacey: I just wanna be friends. But I'm afraid if I tell Brent that it'll hurt his feelings and...
    Wanda: If you give me five bucks I'll tell him.
    Lacey: No! That would hurt his feelings more, plus he'd think I was a coward.
    Wanda: Then give me five bucks or I'll tell him.
    (Lacey looks extremely confused and annoyed)
    Wanda: I need five bucks!

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