Dan Vs The Dentist - Part 4: Clearing Up Misconceptions*
Before I talk about this episode, there are two things that I talked about in Dan Vs The Dentist that I gave the wrong impression of and would like to correct.
First of all, one commenter pointed out that the dentist as a supervillain was actually a good character, due to being voiced by Mark Hamil. Now, I will say this about Dan Vs: The voice acting is superb. I always feel like I'm hearing characters, and not actors in front of a microphone. Perfect.
But it doesn't matter how well you can say something if you're not given anything good to say. The writing in that episode was shit. There were far too many plot holes and inconsistencies. The writing in this whole series has been nothing above average so far. It starts getting good at around episode 5. But I will not blame Mark Hamil or any other voice actor for that.
Now, don't get me wrong - I love this show, and I think it's incredibly well-written. But the early episodes are not. We'll get to the good stuff shortly though.
Secondly, I mentioned in both the actual episode entry and my own entry that the car chase scene was hilarious. I fear that I may have given the impression that Chris and the dentist were being hilariously awesome while chasing each other. While that is true for some parts of the chase, the majority of the humor comes from the other cars around them and how they react to seeing the chase. Sorry, but Chris is not allowed to do anything in that episode other than be an incompetent idiot.
All right, enough corrections. Let's get on with this next episode.
Dan Vs The Ninja
For the first time, we open... not at Dan's apartment. Nope, Dan is walking home after purchasing some cookies and milk. Now, one frequent thing that comes up in the series is that Dan is lactose intolerant. And it starts here with the milk being specifically lactose-free milk.
But we've seen that Dan has a car - so why the hell is he walking? I suppose you could justify it as being just around the corner and not worth the gas money, or he wanted the exercise or something, so I won't complain too much.
Anyways, a ninja comes along, stealthily steals his cookies, and then throws a ninja star to break the milk carton has Dan is drinking from it. A girl who looks a lot like Elise but is distinctly not her* sees Dan, covered in his milk, and we get this exchange:
- "Um, drinking problem much?"
Then Dan sees that his cookies were stolen, and declares revenge on the Ninja.
Cut to the next day with Dan breaking in to Chris's house demanding that Chris make him pancakes. So naturally, Chris does so, as Dan explains what happened to him.
Now see, this is Chris being an Extreme Doormat, and I am okay with it. It's only out of character when he tries to hurt people because he was ordered to. That's why I was so against it in that episode that shall not ever be mentioned again.
Anyways, Dan points out that it had to have been a Ninja because he was wearing ninja pajamas as he stole Dan's cookies and exploded his milk. Plus Dan didn't see him, ergo ninja.
- Dan: ... (breaks the plate on the table)
Elise wakes up and acts rather nonchalantly about the whole thing. Dan then breaks the table with the ninja star to prove that it was a ninja.
- Elise (whispering): The Koshugi Clan... But... how did they find me?Chris: What was that?Elise: Nothing!
Oh snap, we're getting an Elise origin story, this should be interesting. We've already seen that she has ninja abilities from "New Mexico", so it would be interesting to see how they tie those together.
Elise then panics and locks all of the doors and lowers all of the shades. Then she quickly grabs a baseball bat in an intimidating manner, and heads to the garage, warning Dan and Chris not to answer the door for anyone.
We see her in the garage triggering some mechanisms to reveal a hidden area of the garage containing her ninja gear. She puts it on.
Elise returns to the house, wielding a freaking katana*. Not gonna lie: that is badass. She asks Dan to take her to where he saw the ninja.
- Chris: So, I'm confused.Dan: As always.Chris: You believe in ninjas now?Elise: What makes you think I didn't believe in them before?Dan: Yeah, Chris! You shouldn't just assume things!Chris: Well, when Dan said he was attacked by a ninja, you seemed skeptical.Elise: If Dan said he was attacked by a tiger, I'd be skeptical. That doesn't mean I don't believe in tigers.Dan: Another excellent point. She's kicking your butt.Chris: It's not a competition, Dan!Dan: But if it were, she'd be winning.
Elise analyzes the footprints and the shuriken, and deduces that it is indeed the Koshugi Clan. Dan and Chris (and the viewers) have never heard of them, so exposition time!
We get an Art Shift during this by the way, to look like Chinese paintings. Odd seeing as how ninjas are Japanese, but whatever.
Apparently there was a guy named Jiro Koshugi in Japan several hundred years ago who made cookies. With modern tech. Sure, why not? But some time during the Songoku Period, his cookie shop was burned to the ground. So he never baked again and instead dedicated his life to revenge* and earned the name Shinobi-No-Mono, or "one who steals away". I don't speak Japanese, so I can't vouch for the accuracy of that, but I'll just give them the benefit of the doubt. We call them the "Ninja." Soon other cookie makers joined him*, and he trained them in his ninjutsu techniques. Sure why not. Anyways, since they vowed never to bake cookies again, that means that they have to steal them from other people. Uh, here's a bright idea: WHY NOT GO TO A FUCKING STORE!?
First of all, I'm not sure how you translate "My cookie shop burned down" to "I'm never baking again." You can still bake in other locations, dumbass. Secondly, you need food and water and shelter to live, idiot. Which means you need money to get that stuff, which means you need to do a job, which means you should do what you're best at - which means baking cookies. Having your shop burned down should only encourage you to do MORE baking, because now you need the money. A more realistic approach the writers could have taken is if they had said that he was injured in the fire in such a way to prevent him from baking again. Also, where do all of the other cookie makers come from? His motivation was, stupidly, that he lost his shop. These clowns didn't. So why are they doing this? Unless you mean to imply that all of them did lose their shops. If that's the case, well, damn. That fire sure was specific enough to only target cookie shops. FIRES DON'T WORK THAT WAY. And lastly, if all cookie makers do this, then there wouldn't be any cookies in the world, since everyone gave up on making them. So there wouldn't be any to steal. But since there were some to steal, then that means that some cookie makers still make cookies. So it makes far more sense to stop them than it does to steal from the customers. You get a bigger net gain in your goal of depriving the world of cookies. Heck, even stealing from the store makes more sense than stealing from customers. Use your brains, dumbasses. But they don't steal to get rid of cookies, as that would make the most sense. No, they steal because they can't make cookies of their own, and they want to eat them. So just go to the store and buy them! Lots of people who can't make cookies do that. Idiots. Oh yeah, and this has been happening for hundreds of years, which means that the people in the clan have changed since then. Is it a family thing? Because if so, then why does the next generation do it? They don't have any reason to hate cookie makers, unless they inherited their parents' business, but that can't happen, because then they would need experience with cookie making, and their parents would not give them the experience, having given up on cookie making themselves. So therefore, it isn't a family thing, and is just random cookie makers from the modern world doing this same thing. So what happened? Did a fire start AGAIN every time a new cookie store opens, and specifically burned that? This just makes no sense. No matter how you justify it, it just creates more plotholes.
Chris is rightfully skeptical about how Elise knows so much. She, not wanting to reveal anything, claims that she sees a lot of ninja movies.
YOU'RE MARRIED! DON'T LIE TO EACH OTHER!
- Chris: And the katana?Chris: Either way, I've never seen you carry a sword before.Elise: I can carry a sword when I want to.Dan: Yeah, Chris! Second Amendment!
After more hilarious dialogue from Dan being a Third Wheel, Chris finally does demand that Elise tell him the truth.
- Elise: I don't want to talk about it.Chris: But I tell you everything.
OH REALLY NOW!?
Well, I am pretending that "The Dentist" never happened, but I'll just keep this point in mind as a prerequisite. From now on, any time that Chris tells Elise a lie, for whatever reason, it will be pointed out and I will say that their marriage should end.
This time, though, it's Elise that is withholding information from him. She's the guilty party here. This relationship would not last in the real world. It's far too secretive, as this is only the beginning of Elise hiding the truth about herself. And in fact, literally the only thing keeping these two together is the fact that the writers want them together. Communication is the best way to keep a relationship, and a lack of communication is the best way to lose one.
The ninja sees Elise, and is happy to have found his true target. But Dan and Chris now know too much, so he vows to eliminate all three.
Elise knows that the ninja will poison Dan (how does she know that?), so they set up Chris to dress as Dan and be a decoy. The ninja poisons Chris, and he starts hallucinating. As this happens, Dan and Elise chase the ninja, there is a awesomely awesome fight scene between the three, and although the ninja is cornered, he uses a smoke ball to flee.
When Elise returns home, she finds a note on her door with a knife pushed through it. The note reads:
- シノビ ノ モノ ワ カナラス カツ*or"Shinobi No Mono Wa Kanarasu Katsu"
This is apparently a challenge to the death. Again, I can't vouch for the accuracy of it. But this is why Bilingual Bonuses are annoying. Take a look at my * note. Make sense? Of course not. So it falls flat on its face.
What I can vouch is for how hard this note fails. Elise clearly says "Shinobi No Mono Wa Kanarasu Katsu." I converted it to Japanese katakana myself. And it is completely different from what is actually written on the note. Again, I don't speak Japanese, but is there some weird grammar quirk that I'm missing? It just seems odd.
Anyways, Elise goes to fight to the death. If she wins, the Koshugi Clan will leave them alone forever. If she loses, then she will be dead.
It's a sacred ritual, so Dan can neither participate nor observe, and also cannot be told where the duel will be held. Elise just tells him to stay with Chris.
However, Dan doesn't do this. Instead, he goes off and leaves a poisoned, delusional, dehydrated Chris alone.
Chris is able to call paramedics though.
Elise and the ninja have a fight scene, while Dan stalks Elise to see the fight's location. And Dan interrupts the fight and attacks the ninja, despite the fact that the rules said one-on-one. You know, the rules that were written in freaking Japanese.
Anyways, with Dan's help, Elise manages to defeat the ninja. But he begs her not to kill him. She points out that she must or else the Koshugi Clan will keep bothering her. But he tells her the truth: the Koshugi Clan is dead and he is the sole survivor.
Flashback time.
Apparently, the ninjas have a barbecue on Mt. Fuji every year. Sure why not. And as the school bus drives up the mountain...
- The entire damn ninja bus (in a Japanese accent): Everywhere we go, people wanna know, who we are, so we tell them, we are ninjas, mighty mighty ninjas...
Anyways, there is a bridge. The sign leading up to it presumably says "Bridge Out" in Japanese, although the subtitles translate it to "Hold Caution For Lack Of Safety Without Bridge In Future Ahead!"
If even the subtitles have a "Blind Idiot" Translation, we're in serious trouble, guys. Couldn't you have gotten, oh I dunno, a Japanese person to work with you?
The ninjas don't see the sign, for some reason, so they get to the bridge, but their bus doesn't have anti-lock brakes, so they are unable to stop it in time and they all fall to their deaths.
*headdesk*
There aren't even any words to describe how stupid that is. This is just ██████. Yeah, it's so bad that I had to create a new word that humanity cannot be comprehended just to describe it.
Basically, the ninjas were never really a threat. I'm not sure if the Dan Vs writers realize this, but if you have a villain (or in this case, a team of villains), it is your duty to do one of two things:
- Make them threatening. You fail at this.
- Make them a Harmless Villain that is completely incompetent and no one, be it the heroes or even other villains, takes seriously. The ninjas could fall under this category, fair enough. But:
You've built them up to follow the first option, not the second. Throughout the whole episode, you were trying to make the audience think Elise and Dan (and Chris) were in danger. Follow through on that.
Now, I'm not against subversions, but if it's a subversion, it's a lot easier for the audience to take seriously if you do it in the other direction. If you build up the ninjas to be completely non-threatening, but then it turns out that they are threatening, the audience is now glued to their seats to see what is going to happen, because now the ninjas have shown that they mean business. With this version though, the opposite occurs, and I show no interest in what happens to the heroes.
Anyways, the not-a-ninja-anymore decides to make cookies again, because Dan told him it's the only way to make up for stealing his cookies, short of killing him. What happens next? Well, he says that he's saved up a lot of ninja money.* And he also says that there was a big insurance settlement when his clan was wiped out.
Okay, writers. I think it's time I deliver a message that you've had coming for a while.
- FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ninja money is the stupidest thing ever. But you know what? I'll accept it. It's what I've grown to expect from this show. BUT YOU THEN GIVE THE OTHER OPTION. What the fuck!? If you had the good choice right there, why make the bad one? Are you fucking high!? Just cut out the bit about ninja money.
Tell me, which looks more credible here?
- Well, I saved up a lot of my ninja money, and there was a pretty big insurance settlement when my whole clan was wiped out.Well, there was a pretty big insurance settlement when my whole clan was wiped out.
A monkey could see the difference here. How could you have possibly been so stupid? Even for filler, this is bad, because it only gives you 3 seconds at the VERY most, and that's being incredibly generous. The episode does not suffer at all from lack of time.
Anyways, so the not-ninja decides to use all of his "ninja money" to open up a business. You know, JUST LIKE THE ORIGINAL NINJA SHOULD HAVE. Yeah, he's gonna open a cookie shop. Guess what? That should have been done a long time ago. How is it possible that no one in the entirety of ninja history thought of this simple solution!?
So whatever. Chris comes back, delirious. We then FINALLY get a name-drop for the not-ninja, Dave.
Yeah, we're back in the good old days of New Mexico when names weren't dropped. Now, No Name Given makes the ninja mysterious. And that's okay. Whether you want to keep the mysteriousness or not after his Heel–Face Turn is a decision that you have to make. And regardless of which answer you choose, I'll accept it. But if you want to name him, name him the INSTANT he does the Heel–Face Turn. It took him from 18:15 to 20:39 to get a name from his Heel–Face Turn. That's a good 2:14, which is even worse than Dan.
Then we get to see the trio of heroes some time later at Ninja Dave's. He gives them free cookies, and then tries to kill Dan with his sword, only to lower it immediately and say "Just Kidding." This would give us an "Everybody Laughs" Ending, except he's the only one laughing.
REALLY!? Does the Fourth Wall mean nothing to you? The only reason for him to attempt an Attack/Kidding/Laugh combo is to subvert "Everybody Laughs" Ending. But that trope involves him KNOWING that it's the end of the episode. And that would involve Breaking the Fourth Wall, which can be good if done well, but fails the other 99% of the time.
Guess which one Dan Vs does?*
And so our episode ends.
Quick Recap
Now, let's recap what we've seen so far, shall we? (Note: I am only judging the WRITING, not any other factors.)
- New Mexico: Below Average
- The Wolf-Man: Average
- The Dentist: So bad that even Satan refuses to show it to people as torment. He's just not that cruel.
- The Ninja: Below Average
This show's writing has been miserable so far.
It is my opinion, though, that no matter how bad something is, guess what? A whole team of people took the time to make it. EVERY film, every video game, every book, every television show - it took a miracle to create. Making this stuff is not easy, and every show in media, even those that are So Bad, It's Horrible, is special.
Dan Vs is no exception. The writing is horrendous, but you know what? THEY DID IT. I haven't created a cartoon, so I have no right to say that this is terrible beyond compare.
And you know what? I won't. It is not terrible.
In fact, starting next episode, EVERY episode will be phenomenally good. And that's written in Sincerity Mode.
See ya next time.
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