The Neverending Instruction Manual

How to find a friend:

First, if you're unable to find a friend, that's sad.

Very, very sad.

Now, first, contact everyone you know and ask where they are.

Or just one friend. Start small.

If you get their location, you found a friend!

If not, try the NSA, peering into the windows of their house, or espionage.

How to espionage:

• Reveal your name to lots of people.
• Have a fellow Gadgeteer Genius made you a Cool Car and gizmos.
• Bed a lot of women.
• Wear a tuxedo.
• Kick a lot of ass (don't forget the Bond One-Liners).
• And finally, have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.

How to have a vodka martini:

-Ask for it shaken, not stirred.

-Pay for it

-Drink the Martini

-Get drunk off your ass

How to get drunk: Drink alcoholic drinks. Don't drink too much, though, or you may end up in embarrassing situations, the hospital, or purgatory.

And no, rubbing alcohol does not count as a drink.

How to end up in purgatory:

• For the sake of simplicity, this guide shall operate under the assumption that you are of the Catholic persuasion. If you are of a different Christian denomination or a different religion altogether, you more likely than not do not believe in purgatory, thus rendering the following advice moot.
• First of all, you must live a morally grey life. You must be virtuous and righteous, but not too much. You must acknowledge and worship the LORD, but not to the extent that you are considered especially devout and loyal by your fellow man. You must sin a few times, but only in minor ways, and with extensive breaks between each one. So no nightly parties full of cocaine and hookers.
  • As a corollary to the above, if you happen to make movies, sins counted against you by men who make videos online pointing out the flaws in said movies may or may not help (or hinder) your chances of reaching purgatory. It is unconfirmed, so be warned.
• Secondly, you must die, be it by natural causes or by the hand of another. If you commit suicide, be warned that the Catholic Church considers suicide a sin, by way of the commandment 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'. Thus, it may hurt your chances of being sent to purgatory rather than straight to hell, if you have already gone a bit overboard with the sins.
• If you have played your cards right (and wrong), you'll end up in purgatory! Enjoy your trial by fire before being judged by the might of the LORD.

edited 22nd Feb '17 9:53:30 AM by PresidentStalkeyes

How to party:

• Plan what kind of party you will be having, be it a house party, a rave party, a birthday party, a political party, an RPG party, or something else.
• Invite people to attend your party. Don't invite too much people, though!
• Prepare your place, the refreshments and the party games. Make sure to prepare those things before your guests arrive, you Ridiculous Procrastinator.
• GET SMAAAAAAAAAASHED!!!

If you're having trouble preparing for your party, remember that you can always use a helping tentacle!◊

How to Invite People to Your Party: First, consider how many people you're inviting. Are you inviting just your close family and friends, or are you getting the entire campus to attend? Next, make the invitations, taking note of the purpose of the party, its venue, and the time. Don't forget to put the RSVP, and decorate them to suit the theme of your party. Finally, send the invites via post office, but make sure it's ahead of time... or you can just go on social media and post your party as an event for people to follow. It's the 21st century, you know.

How to go on social media: Get an account for said social media website, and then start posting really dead memes.

How to kill a meme: It is almost impossible to do this singlehandedly, unless you're just that bad. Simply post an overabundance of the meme you want to kill. Never stop talking about it, in order to annoy everyone.

How to annoy: Do something to someone repeatedly. You can call them repeatedly, tell them bad jokes, ask them confusing questions, or just do something really loud and obnoxious, until they wish they were dead instead of having to put up with you.

For more info, ask the Overlord of Annoyance.

How to ask for more information: If you need instructions on how to ask for more information, check out the enclosed instruction booklet.

How to have a booklet:

1. Have two books.
2. Have them on a date.
3. Continue until the books successfully breed and you now have a booklet!

Congratulations!

booklet. baby book. it's like piglet = baby pig =3

How to have two books: Count all the books you have in your home. If you have less than two, then visit a bookstore to purchase books until you have the requisite number of books. If you have more than two, then donate your books to a charity or a library until you have two left. If you have exactly two, take a vacation from book handling by eating some chips and salsa while watching infomercials.

How to eat some chips:

• Step 1: Hide your Death Note inside your potato chips bag.

• Step 2: Write down a criminal's name.

• Step 3: Take some potato chips.

• Step 4: Eat it!

Be sure not to go after people with Overly Long Name whenever you want to get rid of someone with a Death Note.

How to use a Death Note:

1. Find a Death Note.
2. Write the name of the person you want to kill in the note.
   Note: If you only write the name, the person would die due to heart attack in 40 seconds. If you write the name with the cause of death... well I'm not rewriting the entire rules. Read it yourself.

3. Meet the original Reaper who owns the book, and either scream in terror, or ask for a pair of Reaper eyes, or whatever.
4. Gather a cult following. No, literally. Pronounce yourself as a god of the new world and use the Note to kill those who object.
5. Delve deeper into madness as you are hunted by the Interpol and a world-class detective.
6. Play lots of gambits against everyone.
7. Take a potato chip, and EAT IT!
8. Continue your act until either you've been found out, or you're dead.

Have fun!

...I can never write these manuals humorously, can I? (._.)

How to gather a cult following

1. Claim you are the messiah, that the world is coming to an end, that God has abandoned your followers, or some other vaguely-preachy bullshit like that. Make sure you look like you know what you're talking about, even if you know bugger-all.
2. Go after people who are really down on their luck, like Sleazy Politicians who have lost the election and their source of income, the homeless, discriminated minorities, and Otherkin. You want to find people so desperate that they will do anything in exchange for "validation."
3. Set up shop in an abandoned warehouse, isolated part of the woods, your parent's basement (you may have to kill your parents first), or move the entire cult to a settlement in Guyana. Anywhere that won't attract public suspicion, even if the more investigative folks get suspicious anyway.
4. Convince your cult of personality to do your bidding. While you may have a good mind and use them to donate to homeless shelters, orphanages, and charities, more often than not, you'll feel invincible and use them to commit atrocities because of a huge God Complex. We here at NEIM won't go into detail about what various other cult leaders have done (that's Wikpedia's job), but let's just say that the Moral Event Horizon does indeed exist.
5. When things inevitably don't go your way, convince your followers to commit mass suicide. While this is happening, have your private Villainous Breakdown, and then confront the nice men with guns or commit suicide yourself.
6. Wake up in the afterlife, discover you're in Hell, question what it is you did wrong, and anticipate a "The Reason You Suck" Speech from either Lucifer himself or one of his imps. Good job, dummy, you pissed off the real Gods!

edited 26th Mar '17 10:24:09 AM by WilliamRadarStorm

How to wake up:

1. Get some sleep, obviously.
2. If you set an alarm, hit the "snooze" button when it goes off.
3. If someone tries to wake you up, say "5 more minutes" and go back to sleep.
4. Open your eyes, then realize that an hour has passed already.
5. Panic and try to eat, get dressed and pack your stuff at the same time.

The moral of the story is that you should not sleep at all.

How to panic:

________________________________________

1. Hear bad news from an honest source(TV, Internet, Radio, friends and family, The Illuminati)

________________________________________

2. If it affects your country/town, panic. If it affects you personally, REALLY PANIC!

________________________________________

3. Flap your arms around violently and scream like a bitch and cry while saying to yourself "It's the end of the world as we know it".

________________________________________

4. After you find a Silver Lining in said bad news, calm your tits and move on by thinking about Splatoon 2.

edited 1st Apr '17 8:30:28 AM by NegaKingKix

How to hear bad news from an honest source: Find a 24-hour news network you know is reasonably trustworthy. Get a television, tune in, sit down and watch. Then keep watching. You're bound to hear some.

edited 3rd Apr '17 9:19:33 AM by TheLyniezian

How to get a Television: You can find the items needes to craft a Television by killing Monitor Lizards in the Electric Fields. You may get a Television drop directly, but most of the time they just drop the parts.

To craft: 1 Glass Pane + 8 Iron Bar + 1 Antennae + 1 Electron Core

How to kill lizards:

1. Get sword.

2. Kill lizard.

3. ????

4. Profit! (From the lizard's corpse that is.)

How to Get a Sword: Pull it out of a stone, but only if you're deemed worthy of it.

It's Komala's Alola Dex number. Zzz...

How to be deemed worthy:

Save a bunch of people. Except for criminals that need to die. Examples of saving people are: Making a hobo become a millionaire, saving someone from falling off a cliff, and sparing monsters in Undertale. You have now been deemed worthy.

How to make a hobo a millionaire

1. Find a hobo

2. Plan to rob a rich person

3. Give all the money you stole to the hobo

4. Lay low if the police find out

How to lay low if the police find out.

Uhoh, if you're reading this guide, you may have killed someone, or some people.

Step one: Ponder telling the truth.

Step two: Ponder having a big fella named Ivan as a cell mate who really likes killing his cell mates.

Step three: Get outta town!

Step four: Hang with friends, shady people, shady friends, until this blows over.

Step Five: Hasn't blown over yet? Time to flee the country! Use a van, plane, boat, canoe, bulldozer, blimp, parade float, or a gigantic monument to yourself on wheels, in case you hate being subtle.

Step Six: Spend the rest of your life at a low income job, use American dollars to become a crime lord, or just get caught and extradited back to the USA.

Have fun!