Greetings! Welcome to...well, you read the title, you know where you are. How does this work, you ask?

CAUTION READ THIS BEFORE POSTING.

Writers looking for critics, post a synopsis of your work here. At the bottom you will find a handy-dandy list of suggestions to use for this. Keep the actual synopsis short (two mid-size paragraphs max. Someone will be along to help you...if you hook their interest, that is. Also, be sure to include a blurb about you, the writer; personal info is neither required nor recommended. Instead, speak on your goals as a writer and how serious you are about this. By "serious" I mean, are you just a fan fic hobbyist looking for some pointers, or are you seriously considering a career as an author?

Critics; your job is even easier. All you have to do is read through the synopses until you find one that interests you. If and when you have, PM the author and tell them "I want to be your critic!" Further details (how to exchange works, what the writer wants, what the critic wants, etc. etc. etc.) I leave to individual pairings to figure out.

The point here is to help join authors and the editors who might love them in the bonds of unholy geekery, for the betterment of all our nascent works...and to cut down on the plethora of "hey, critique my work!" micro-threads Writer's Block was inundated with. Furthermore, posting large chunks of a potentially publishable work in the public domain can be unwise.

Da Roolz: Writers

• 1: Don't spam the thread. So far this has not been a problem as the Dating Service moves rather slowly. Let us continue this. Make your post and be patient; someone will be along to help you - and if nobody comes along, edit your post to make it more interesting.
• 2: Writers are not to PM critics unless a prior arrangement has been made. Critics decide whether or not they wish to read a writer's materal.
• 3: No posts other than synopses; I will be asking the mods to thump any post that doesn't conform to this criterium. Questions? PM me. If I'm not too wasted, I'll answer.
• 4: Keep your synopsis short; two midsize paragraphs at most. The goal here is to interest someone in your work, not tell them all about it.
• 5: Before put your work up for critiquing, run it through spell-check and give it a basic proofread. I've had two people complain to me about works where people did not do this, and that's a valid complaint. Yes, you are looking for help, but spell-check is a click away and it is not beyond the wit of writers to do a basic grammar scan. *
  note; "English is not my first language" is not an excuse here. Spell-check still works. And if your English is not up to native-speaker levels, be sure to indicate so in your post.
• 6: Don't expect gushing. Expect to hear about weaknesses in your work as well as strengths. If you are not ready for that emotionally, don't post here.
• 7: I would request that authors not delete their posts after they've gotten their help...just edit the post to say you've got all the help you need currently, and if that changes you can edit it back. People have asked me lots of questions about exactly what to put in their post...examples are good, particularly where the example can be seen as a successful one.

Da Roolz: Critics

• 1: Don't be a dick. If you cannot be direct and honest without being rude, don't volunteer as a critic. If somebody's work sucks, then it sucks...but by taking on the job of a critic you are volunteering to help the writer make their work not suck.
• 2: Don't overcommit. If you don't have the time, don't get a writer's hopes up by P Ming them and then never getting back to them. If your life situation changes and the free time you thought you had up and vanishes, be sure to let the writer know.
• 3: Don't post here (unless you have a synopsis, then by all means...you can swing both ways here, it's all right). Just lurk until something pops up that you like, and PM the author to let them know.
• 4: If it isn't working out, be sure to let the writer know you are going your separate ways - don't just drop off the planet.
• 5: Keep checking old posts! Writers who previously had all the help they needed might need help again.

It really is that easy.

Things to put in your synopsis

Make sure you give us:

• A basic idea of the genre.
• What it is (book, script, etc.).
• What kind of help you're looking for (technical, story-based, world-building, factual consultation, etc).
• How far along the work is. This is important. Some critics don't want to teach kindergarten.
• How serious you are - is this for fun, or something you hope to make money off of someday?

Also, include a nice little summary that both informs and titillates, somewhere between splash text and explanation.

Okay everyone, you know what to do. Start doin' it.

edited 22nd Sep '13 1:01:56 PM by drunkscriblerian

If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed. ~Cora M. Strayer~

I know this isn't entirely on-topic, but I'm going to make two suggestions:

• First, sticky?
• Second, should we have a list of people willing to critique, or just leave it as an ad hoc kind of thing...?

I am now known as Flyboy.

Guess I'll be a scapegoat?

---

Fresh off the fall of a powerful empire, the world continues as normal, gypsies con, slavers collect slaves, and merchants report great sales of talismans in the magicless north. However, a young boy is given the very power that propelled the empire to power in the first place, and he is the last person to deserve it. Lazy, a jerk, a child at heart, and completely unlikable to all he comes across.

But hey, that's just life.

EDIT:

I have a critic. Please go read someone else's. :)

---

DID AH DO EET RAIT?

You wanna report that, but my advice is see if this takes off first.

edited 26th Aug '11 6:56:21 PM by MrAHR

Read my stories!

This post was thumped by the Merciless Hammer of Doom

Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey Bitchfest

10000 words, first draft *

. I need advice on a lot of things:

• Vocabulary: Is my vocab rich enough, or conversely, is it already too purple?
• Pacing: For a first novel it needs to conclude before 120000 words at max, or so someone in the industry told me. Am I going too fast or too slow?
• Copyright and Shout-Out issues: My style makes extensive use of Shout-Out in order to either declare my eternal love to a particular established canon or poke vitriolic fun at another particular established canon. I need advice on whether said Shout-Out are acceptable both legally and ethically.
• Naming: Are the names for my characters/locations too moronic? Do they give out Mary Sue vibes?
• Research: Are my scientific research for the subject appropriate and sufficient? Does my idea contradict any existing scientific theorem or axiom?

So, with nothing else notable to say, here's the synopsis.

The life of Agnochroth, a young adventurer silver dragon is about to change forever after he received a message from his childhood friend Faegard Silverspire the elven prince of the Kingdom of Greenglade, ordering him to serve as his bonded dragon mount following his coming of age. While he is all too happy to comply, dragon and prince alike were both unaware of the accidental twist that fate has reserved for them. They would soon be whisked away from their comfortable continent and thrown into a large-scale conflict in a land far away, between the surface-dwelling Surface Alliance Treaty Organization and their nemesis, the space-colony-dwelling Nova Roma Res Publica...

edited 18th Aug '11 7:43:26 AM by ArgeusthePaladin

Support Taleworlds!

Okay, I'll post here. The story is Paradise City: a Cyberpunk/neo-noir short story, about 7500 words.

---

Synopsis: Set twenty years in the future, an economic crash has resulted in a complete urban collapse. Police departments have been cut and slashed and crime has skyrocketed. In response, the state of California has privatized law enforcement: most arrests, extraditions, investigations, and general peacekeeping is now handled by Bounty Hunters. Conversely, because of the economic depression, the only major technologies are prosthetic bodies and body parts and the development of droids.

The protagonists are bounty-hunting team Jessie Flores and his cybrog girlfriend Sear Orlov. They work on the streets of San Diego, picking up bounty-heads and occasionally going down to TJ to catch runners. They are aided by SDPD Lt. Gabriel "Gabe" Flores: Jessie's brother.

---

My main concerns are:

• Is there enough Science to make this a sci-fi story? I've posted it elsewhere, and people have said I'd oughat go straight Noir since there's not enough science.
• I use a 3rd person omnicient POV. As a result, I also switch between POV's between characters on a regular basis. Does that disorient?
• I tried to make the ending a cliffhanger for part two, but people felt it was cheap. How can I improve?

Any other criticisms are appreciated.

edited 19th Aug '11 11:29:21 AM by EnglishMajor

With blood and rage of crimson red ripped from a corpse so freshly dead together with our hellish hate we'll burn you all that is your fate

Okay, starting first draft.

We Six

Synopsis: Okay far future, like 5500. Humanity has perfected artifical wormholes, and spread all over the universe. Aliens exist, but no real contact exists due to them all being far to different. Human is now an umbrella term applying to thousands of races derived from Homo Sapien, in addition to loads of other created creatures. There was a corporation, they decided to create the perfect soldiers. They created six babies, their genomes made from stratch. They possesed enhanced strength, speed, healing, durability, reflexes, senses and mental functions and could even spit acid, they were sent on their first mission at the age of three. But when they were ten, public outcry caused their creator's corporation to go under, the kid's were going to be euthanized. But they escaped, stole a ship, and now they seek a new home.

The kid's are.

Alex

Jen

Rob

Will

Mauren

And Annie.

Concerns: Characters and world building.

Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.

This may be something that should wait until people start providing feedback *

, nonetheless I feel it necessary to request a point of order:

One synopsis per work, or period?

The Revolution Will Not Be Tropeable

Synopsis: The Kingdoms of Evil cast a shadow of death and horror over half a continent and Freetrick Feend is next in line to be their king.

A college student in a comfortable and civilized nation not so different from yours, Freetrick suddenly finds himself kidnapped by monsters, engaged to a dominatrix, and put in charge of a country where Maniacal Laughter is a performance art and Assassination a competitive sport, with extra points awarded for creative cruelty.

As the new focus of all evil in the world, Freetrick must survive court intrigues, well-justified foreign invasion, internal rebellions, and a looming environmental catastrophe that might just kill everyone anyway. Because in a land of constant shadow, what do the monsters eat?

Aside from each other.

The Kingdoms of Evil is an epic fantasy humor novel for those of us who root for the bad guy.

• Genre: Humor/fantasy
• What: a book
• What kind of criticism you're looking for: story-based, story-telling technique, worldbuilding
• How complete the work is: finished. I'm posting it here bit by bit: http://www.thekingdomsofevil.com/

www.kingdomsofevil.com http://bensen-daniel.deviantart.com/ https://twitter.com/bensen_m

• Genre: Dark comedy, satire, coming-of-age
• Time period: Modern day, with a certain degree of ambiguity as to what exact year it is
• Progress: I don't have all that much as of right now, so you should be able to do the reading in one sitting
• Concerns: None of what I have is ready for prime time or anything, but I'd like to know if I'm on the right track up to this point or not or if I've committed any serious gaffes. I would also like to hear some opinions on the characters and/or theories on what's going to come next. I could use a couple ideas to bounce off of
• The synopsis: At the masthead of a large ensemble cast are three teenagers: a small-potato troublemaker who sees her actions as social services, her cross-dressing, hell-raising, hedonistic, hustler-wannabe boyfriend and a put-upon acquaintance who finds himself on the business end of life's billy club time and time again. This is a tale of life in deathtrap suburbia, centered around what goes on at a struggling high school where relations between student and teacher are scraping new lows and those in positions of authority do senseless things simply because they can. Things come to a head in the aftermath of the sudden death of a well-liked student, with hidden resentments and hideous revelations rising to the surface. Soon the fate of thousands will find itself in the balance.

edited 28th Aug '11 2:51:59 PM by DogLikeSparky

"People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent." - Bob Dylan

Synopsis: Ghost In The Shell meets Black Lagoon, told In the Style of Terry Pratchett. Protagonists: in the beginning, two engineers*

• One of them extremely old and cynical: think Axel Thurston, or for that matter nearly any old engineer-like character from Eureka Seven: extremely stubborn and pig-headed, and completely fails at human management... he is an Ace when it comes to machines, but the new technologies are moving extremely fast, and his field of expertise is narrowing by the year... as the adventure starts, he was just about to retire
• And the other young, intelligent, but so ambitious and greedy it makes him very stupid at times: think something between CMOT Dibbler and Carter J. Burke, the Corrupt Corporate Executive from Aliens, except he actually has a good heart, deep inside, and has developed his charmer manipulative chessmaster personality as a reaction to a youth of bullying, abuse and loneliness... he can pull off some nice tricks, but his failures are as epic as his victories.

We're already past the middle of the XX Ist century, doing something mean to it, and the General Artificial Intelligences are about to be released into the world: a near-millenarist state of terror and excitement pervades societies, as the Thirty Xanatos Pileup around this conflict can only be compared with the atmosphere in Germany back when Luther's protests started spreading, or the one in Europe right before Franz Ferdinand was shot, or the Romance Of The Three Kingdoms or the Sengoku Jidai. It's a very very tense clusterfuck of conflicting interests, a Morality Kitchen Sink where alignments are unclear, people, groups, countries change alliances at the drop of a hat. But there's no actual material war. I's all very... market-like, very diplomatic. People have become very accustomed to peace. Cybernetic enhancements have become common (of course, the rich get the best stuff) and eugenics are very popular. And... well, the idea is to keep the stuff vague at the start and then fill in the details of Worldbuilding as strictly necessary, Ghost In The Shell way. Writing an entire Alternate History before the beginning can be a little troublesome, unnecessarily so. Therefore I'll make it up as I go along.

Anyway, at some point the pair get invovled in the crime world, or the guerrilla, or whatever 2050 equivalent that justifies lots and lots of violence, drama, action, plotting, deception, and Truffault Was Right. Can love bloom on the battlefield? Sure, Why Not?, but it has to be kept traumatic, complicated, between messed-up people... Maybe a freelance pirate team like in Lagoon, or maybe a free bunch of rebels à la Eureka Seven but I really wouldn't like to walk so close to either plot: at best it would be a pastiche, at worst it would be plagiarism. Problem is I have no plot as of now. It's okay to start off with small episodic stories, ones that could be published as standalone short stories, but a general myth arc would be nice too. Copying the Standalone Complex idea of having some stories be one-off and other be part of the main plot can be a good compromise.

Okay, let's sum it up. '20 Minutes into the Future, Tech savvy grumpy grandpa and kid upstart get drafted in huge conflict, adrift In a World… Gone Mad, as the threat of the released General A.I. grows closer, and everyone scrambles to be in the most advantagous position after the Event (or tries to prevent it, sometimes going to extreme lengths to do so) they fight for survival... and for their beliefs, sometimes, what's left of them anyways.

edited 31st Aug '11 7:15:39 AM by JesusSaves

An action is not virtuous merely because it is unpleasant to do.

Ignore.

edited 21st Apr '12 7:05:57 PM by USAF713

I am now known as Flyboy.

Two addenda to the OP: You can post once per month or once per page, whichever happens sooner. Also, include a word count in your synopsis.

My thanks to Peter 34 for bring these things to my attention.

Carry on!

If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed. ~Cora M. Strayer~

Wiped because I have gotten enough feedback.

edited 28th Sep '11 11:00:24 AM by Leradny

@Drunk: Do you have anything ready for reading, by any chance?

"People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent." - Bob Dylan

Title: Not sure as of yet

Synopsis: This story is essentially a conceptual Science fiction novel (as in, not really focused on hard science but rather on philosophical concepts)that involves a team of highly trained mercenaries/assassins that are sent in to kill a group of artificially created "human" subjects in order to stop the violence caused by most of them and to cover up the project that created them (it is called something like Project Prometheus, but this may be subject to change). With this story I want to question ideas such as the nature of humanity itself as well as certain attributes of humanity.

Characters:

. Ethan Hawking: The commander of the assassin troupe; he is the most highly trained out of all of them and is exceptionally deadly in combat. Specializes in general combat with emphasis on assault rifles and machine guns. He has a rather brooding prescence among the others, as he tends to not talk much; but this isn't really because he's a dick per se, but rather that he doesn't want to get to know the others really well in fear that they would die and he would be in greater mourning. Silently is mourning the death of his beloved wife who died of a mysterious disease a few years back (what this disease is is up for debate); carries around a small portrait of her and looks at it when others aren't looking. He also is slowly dying from a certainly fatal disease (I'm not sure what it is, I guess this is up for grabs), and this is unknown for the most part to the others but later could be revealed.

. Bethany Howard: She is the second in command of the elite assassin troupe; she is also very highly trained and is very deadly in general as she is also the best shot in the team (next to the commander). She is a trained sharpshooter/sniper and specializes in stealth and recon based missions. She can be a bit of a bitch to the others on the team and has a hot temper with certain issues such as her childhood and her character in general. She has a soft spot for children and animals, and she regards the under ranking members of the team almost as her children. I've thought about making her get in a romantic relationship with the commander later.

. Chris Jennings: Is the elder one of the under ranking pair in the troupe; specializes in demolition and other such tasks. He is fairly intelligent, but tends to keep it to himself (he's the only one of the group that reads much of anything). He is philosophically literate and loves metaphysics. He jokes around frequently with Gillian.

. Peter Gillian: The youngest of the assassins, he specializes in engineering and dealings with technology. He serves as the sort of plucky comic relief in the group, and tends to act very silly and often immature in order to relievce tension and lighten the mood. He generally knows when to be serious, but sometimes he can go a bit too far with his ribbings and horsing around. He loves retro stuff, from old music to old tech; he frequently sings songs from the 60's, 70's, and 80's. He is best buds with Chris Jennings (I may make them have some sort of platonic relationship or even make them bisexual, but this too is up for grabs).

. Subject 01: Of all of the subjects, he is arguably the most dangerous by far. He is extremely, incredibly innately intelligent (he would be the most innately intelligent "human" ever to live) and can figure out things that would take a normal person days to figure out in a matter of hours. He could be described as the quiet stoic type, but a more accurate description would be nigh-emotionless, since he regards human emotion and ethics as a hinderance on logic and reason. He is INCREDIBLY dangerous (all of the subjects are, but him especially) due to his high learning capacity and high manipulative tendencies, but also because of the huge amount of gross muscular mass he has. Due to his highly developed brain (and maybe a few other factors, such as a chip in his head) he develops psychic abilities which culminate in the formation of a literal third eye in the center of his forehead that channels psychic energy or something. He uses his power to mentally corrupt lesser minded folk (maybe into his own jihad) and almost literally mind-raping the more vulnerable of the assassins by forcing them to relive VERY unpleasant memories or forcing them to experience horrific fantasies. I wanted his character to be a corruption of a sort of ubermensch kind of ideal human as well as representing pure neutral evil.

. Subject 02: Unlike Subject 01, 02 is much, much, more screwed up in the head and less rational (he is still incredibly intelligent, but deluded). He conditions a very depraved and sick sexual response to blood and inflicting pain onto others (and later himself) and his sexuality controls him. He is completely self-aware of his faults and depravities and so he exhibits an unbelievable amount of self-hatred and develops a strong guilt complex. He also finds paradoxes in his character and, combined with him being controlled by his desires, drives him further and further insane. He kills and tortures people, mostly women, yet I would not refer to him as a complete monster as I would 01, rather, he's almost an anti villain.

. Subject 03: This particular "human" is special, at least compared to the other two. This is because 03 is relatively normal and actually is very benign in terms of ethics and legitimately cares about other living things. He's the least screwed of of the subjects, but he still is not without his flaws. He questions himself constantly, his existence, his own character, and if he deserves to live. In this case he's almost a woobie. Another important thing to note is that he is also the least innately intelligent of the subjects.

Progress: Not too much, except that I've almost completed a chapter in it (I don't know where it would go chronologically). It's 7 pages in Microsoft Word, but I'm working on it more and more.

Concerns: World building (I need to develop the world that this takes place in, the technology, the culture, etc), the quality of the writing itself, the philosophical content, and the research needed for it (it would have realistic violence and fairly realistic military tech and stuff, I could use some help with this)

War is God.

Time and space work funny in the Dreaming, and by “funny,” I mean “not at all.” Everyone who has existed, is existing, and will exist come here when they sleep. Most don't remember a thing.

David Walker isn't the kind of dreamer that keeps to himself and thinks about the future; he's the kind of dreamer that stays awake after falling asleep. Imagine his surprise when he wakes up one bright morning to find out that he's been out for a week and can't remember anything that happened before or after he closed his eyes.

Sleepless Dreamers

Words: ~4500ish
Genre: Low fantasy
Scope: Short story
Status: 1st revision

Looking for: Pacing, mood, style, characterization, diction, etc. The normal stuff, although I'm particularly interested in if the style worked since that's what I was mostly experimenting with. Depending on how satisfied I am with this story, I may or may not recycle the setting, so I'm also looking to see how the world building is.

edited 8th Sep '11 8:10:20 AM by ch00beh

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story." Twitter

Fma Fanfiction Type: Continuation story Edward Elric disappear leaving his wife and two kids behind. 10 years late they venture out to search for him and on the way they uncover many secrets/ Some magical, some terrible. Concerns: Plotholes and some grammar Mostly plotholes and anything else

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7147863/1/Aftermath_rewritten

"Life is the most trope overdosed work. It's awesome that way"

I intend to write a collection of short horror stories. The work that is currently up for review is a little bit less than two thousand words, and it's the first story that I have written for the collection. I don't want to spoil any plot details, but the least spoilery summary I can give is that it's a story about a very unusual "family" and a very unusual "television". It was written as part of a writing challenge where I had to write a story with a happy beginning and a happy ending where nothing traumatic happens to the main character. (I made it a horror story to spite the challenger.) However, for the review, I do not care about being graded on how well I met the challenge, just on how good of a story it is.

At first I didn't realize I needed all this stuff...

got someone

edited 28th Sep '11 4:18:30 PM by Kaxen

Sorry... I'm really new to this kinda thing.

Genre: My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic fanfiction. Boarding school-ish genre (is that a genre?) where the protagonist learns about magic.

Status of Completion: Well I intend it to have 40-something chapters*

, but I only have the first chapter written up so far. It's about 10k words.

Criticism/Concerns:

• I'm not sure if I'm running too long or if I'm being too boring by describing things that don't matter (there's a scene where the protagonist learns how to use the IPA for instance).
• There could be too much telling and not enough showing. I don't even know if my prose is readable or not. I've been staring at it for days and I'm incapable of judging it properly.
• I want to get it onto Equestria Daily and I followed the guidelines carefully, but I'm not sure if I missed anything.
• I need help figuring out a title.
• I'd like it the critic helping could be as harsh as possible. This is the first time I've written anything outside of an essay and I wanna nip bad habits in the bud before I start getting used to them.

Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle is accepted into Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. The whole story is set to happen between the events of The Cutie Mark Chronicles and the pilot episode. The chapter I have written up is entirely about what happens during the summer before school starts.

edited 30th Sep '11 7:29:25 PM by Sessalisk

Caaan anybody find me... Somebody to ♠

Okay, here it goes:

Title: Amy

Genre: Original Short Story/Psychological Horror

Status of Completion:Finished

Length: About 3,100 words

Type of Critique:

• Well, I'd just like to know what you think of it in general for starters.
• I'd also like to know what you think of the pacing.
• The descriptiveness, on my last re-write I cut out a lot of things I thought were unnecessary and am a little concerned I may have messed with the tone of the story.
• Any spelling or grammatical mistakes.

Summary: On the night of her 10th. birthday, Amy sneaks out of her house to explore the old haunted house at the end of Black Creek Drive that's been haunting her nightmares for the past four years.

"I wish I could write as mysteriously as a cat." —Edgar Allen Poe

Shamelessly stealing from

Title: The Mad Man With the Box (FF.net)

Genre: Fanfic (Doctor Who/Avatar crossover) / Action / Comedy

Status of Completion: Ongoing

Length: >10,000 words. I'll still listen to you even if you don't read them all, though.

Type of Critique:

• Is it entertaining?
• Do you think I deal with the characters well/beleivably?
• What would you expect to happen next?

Summary: Team TARDIS lands in Hell's Gate a few minutes before Jake's shuttle. The Doctor and co. get entangled in the AVTR program, and general Hilarity Ensues. (Along with a copious helping of Stable Time Loops.)

edited 5th Oct '11 1:18:29 PM by Yej

Da Rules excuse all the inaccuracy in the world. Listen to them, not me.

Wiped

edited 29th Oct '11 1:42:07 PM by Leradny

Edit: Found an editor through other means.

edited 14th Oct '11 5:20:47 PM by feotakahari

That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful