PM Jim Hacker: Don't tell me about the press — I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country. The Times is read by people who actually do run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who own the country. The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.The United Kingdom has a good number of nationally distributed newspapers, each of which targets a specific political or social group (rather than a specific region like in the US). The British press is collectively known as "Fleet Street", although this is an artifact of an era when many newspapers were at that particular location in London; most have since gone elsewhere. They are typically classified by format:
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?
Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.note
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?
Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.note
- Broadsheets are the traditionally formatted newspapers, generally thought to be the most intelligent and respectable publications
- Mid-market tabloids might do some serious reporting, but they're more concerned with gossip
- Red-tops are the lower end of tabloids, generally being completely ridiculous or hysterical.
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The Daily Telegraph
"To escape jury duty in England, wear a bowler hat and carry a copy of the Telegraph."The Daily Telegraph is best known for its trenchant support of the Conservative Party, giving it the derisive nickname "The Daily Torygraph". However, it's still known as one of Britain's two newspapers of record by reputation, and its reporting is considered to be quite good regardless of its strong political bent. It has historically been a heavy journalistic hitter; in 1908, it published an interview in which Kaiser Wilhelm ran his mouth off a bit, which had a hand in bringing down the Chancellor of the German Empire, and it was also the first paper to report from Poland on the outbreak of World War II. These days, though, it seems to be defined by its conservative stance and its unintentionally hilarious rivalry with the left-leaning Guardian. Its other nickname, the "Daily Hurleygraph", derives from its odd obsession with Liz Hurley (and its recent fascination with "fruity girls" in general). Not that they don't make scoops anymore: The paper broke the 2009 MP expenses scandal and a 2016 investigation on tactics used by England footy manager Sam Allardyce, who was then dismissed. Its strangest episode might be an accidental security breach in 1944, when the solutions to its crossword puzzle started featuring military codewords, including for the Normandy landings. It turned out that the crossword editor, who was also headmaster of a boys' school, had been picking up the words from his students, who had in turn been picking them up from the military base next door.
— John Mortimer, Rumpole of the Bailey
The Times and the Sunday Times
"Some people are here to see you: three reporters and a gentleman from the Times."The original Times is one of the oldest newspapers in the UK, having been founded in 1785,note and it's the UK's other newspaper of record. It's associated with good reporting, level-headedness, and an almost aristocratic courtesy. It's also famous for its cryptic crossswords and for being the origin of the ubiquitous Times New Roman typeface. It has a neutral-to-conservative bent; it is owned by Rupert Murdoch, but it is editorially independent and doesn't have to toe Murdoch's conservative line like The Sun. The Sunday Times is a sister paper also owned by Murdoch; although they are essentially grouped together, they were founded independently. It's a thick broadsheet with several supplements (the daily edition switched to tabloid in 2004). It's most famous for its annual "Sunday Times Rich List", a league table of the UK's richest people. Its most famous reporting is simultaneously one of its biggest scoops and its biggest goofs; it exposed Israel's Open Secret of a nuclear program. Unfortuantely, the Times failed to take good care of their whistleblower, Israeli scientist Mordechai Vanunu; Mossad caught him in a Honey Trap, and he was imprisoned in Israel for 18 years. It's the subject of intense debate how much of this was Vanunu's fault and how much was the Times', but the paper considers it an Old Shame and has become particularly critical of Israel since then (which just gets it into more trouble).
— Popular joke satirizing the paper's spotless reputation.
The Guardian and The Observer
The Guardian is the UK's biggest left-leaning paper. It's often called the "Grauniad", a result of its former reputation for frequent typos, and its readers are often called "Guardianistas" (particularly as a derogatory comment on their political leanings, analogous to the American "New York Times liberal"). It started life as the Manchester Guardian, but it's now got a reputation of being particularly London-centric. It feels very centrist sometimes in spite of its left-leaning reputation; it doesn't support the Labour Party so much as it opposes the Tories, and it has been critical of far-left governments in Latin America and Eastern Europe, basically following the British government stance there. This can lead to the accusation that they actually tend to just adopt whatever position will best enable them to get away with a tone of slightly condescending self-righteousness. Politics aside, the paper is unique in that its parent company, the Guardian Media Group, is owned by a trust which exists to ensure its editorial independence. That said, it seems to be willing to pick fights with practically every other major newspaper, from the traditionally conservative Daily Telegraph, to more hardcore left-wing Daily Mirror. It's also infamous for supporting candidates who lose in embarrassing fashion, in the UK and outside it; it once got into hot water for suggesting that its readers ring up random Americans to tell them not to vote for George W. Bush in 2004. Elsewhere in the paper, it has a very highly regarded crossword, which enthusiasts say might be even better than that of the Times. It has the lowest circulation of the "big three" newspapers, behind the Times and the Telegraph, which is likely because it's the only one of the three whose website is not behind a paywall. The paper calls this a commitment to the "free democracy of ideas", while cynics call it giving away all your content for free. That said, its online presence is formidable, third in traffic among British news sites behind only the Daily Mail and the internationally venerated BBC News. Its proudest journalistic moment is its hand in the collapse of the News of the World (a tabloid described below); they had been plugging away at the scandal for years, and it was they who made the breakthrough by discovering that the News of the World had hacked a murdered teenager's phone to give her family hope that she might still be alive. If they hadn't been investigating so tirelessly, chances are what the News of the World had been doing would never have come to light. Even the Telegraph gave them props. The Observer is the Guardian's Sunday-only sister paper; it's the oldest Sunday newspaper in the world, and it gives particular focus to arts and culture. Between it, Guardian Weekend, The Observer Magazine, and the Observer Food Monthly, they give the impression of being Obsessed with Food, albeit in a very London-centric, Islington-dinner-party sort of way (including blatant Product Placement for fairly expensive British supermarkets). Both The Guardian and The Observer are the only UK newspapers printed in the berliner format, having switched from broadsheet in 2005 and 2006 respectively.
The Independent and the i
"It's not like we're The Independent; we can't just stick a headline like "CRUELTY" and a picture of a whale or something underneath it."The Independent is considerably younger than the other broadsheets and was set up to be genuinely independent compared to the other papers. It didn't exactly work out; it stopped print publication entirely in March 2016, although it's still available online. In earlier years, Private Eye called it "The Indyscribablyboring", reflecting how much it tried to be balanced on partisan issues. But since then, it's become outspoken too; it just took a third option and went more or less with the Liberal Democrats. It's also particularly outspoken on environmental issues, obsessing over them in much the same way the right-wing tabloids cover immigration. Since the switch to an online edition, it has faced accusations of peddling clickbait. It was the first of the "quality" papers to abandon the broadsheet format, becoming a tabloid in 2003. The real changes began in 2010, when the paper was bought for a single pound by Russian oligarch (and former KGB employee) Alexander Lebedev. It then introduced a "lite" middle-market spin-off called the i, which turned out to be the company's only publication to survive 2016 in print; it was sold to Johnston Press. Among its contributing writers is Nigel Farage, former head of UKIP, a right-wing party based largely on hardline immigration policy and leaving the European Union altogether. The editors defended him against criticism largely by citing its independent stance. However, the paper hance since picked up a number of UKIP sympathisers, including among the editorial ranks.
— Adam Kenyon, The Thick of It
The Financial Times
"What's big, pink, and hard in the morning? The Financial Times crossword."The Financial Times is a business and economics broadsheet. It's mostly incomprehensible to anyone not working in management, and it's such a by-word for "important business stuff" that it sells more copies outside of Britain than within it. It's also known as "the Pink 'Un" because it's printed on pink paper; this started in 1893 as a cost-saving measure, but it now gives the paper an air of distinctiveness (and also makes it harder to photocopy). Even the online version has a pink background.
— Popular joke
The Catholic Herald
"Eating Turkey at Christmas Is Like Nailing an Egg to the Cross!"The Catholic Herald is a London-based weekly broadsheet serving both the UK and the Republic of Ireland. Although its circulation is fairly small and generally limited to Catholic parishes, it's a reasonably influential paper, becoming a bastion of social conservatism in the British press. Its editorial line is always that of the Catholic Church. Although there is no direct or official oversight from the Vatican, the paper never contradicts official Catholic doctrine. Outside of that, its editorial stance is best described as "to the right of the Daily Mail". As such, faced with an increasingly secular and liberal Britain, it's a relentlessly pessimistic paper. Politically, it's all over the place; it likes the Conservatives' general right-wing stance, but it also supports Labour's social programs (in keeping with Catholic social teaching); when Conservative PM David Cameron came out in support of gay marriage, its political stance basically became "fuck you all". It publishes a lot of Christian apologism (although relatively little of it is anti-atheist Hitler Ate Sugar-type screeds), and it also has little patience for "cafeteria Catholics". However, it has a much higher standard of reporting than the mid-market tabloids, and it has a series of excellent and informative non-news articles on all sorts of Catholic subjects, from ecumenism to Vatican II to the Saints. It has a long-running rivalry with the more liberal-leaning Catholic magazine The Tablet, in much the same vein as the Telegraph-Guardian rivalry — in fact, many Catholic Telegraph writers are Traditionalists who like the Catholic Herald, whereas many Catholic Guardian writers are pro-Tablet, which should tell you all you need to know. Catholic Herald readers refer to the Tablet as "the Bitter Pill".
— Spoof Catholic Herald headline by Chris Morris
The Yorkshire PostBased in Leeds, the Yorkshire Post, despite its name and largely regional circulation, considers itself a national newspaper. As such, it tends to report on national and international news stories rather than following the Local Angle, although it's a very precarious balance. It's one of the country's oldest newspapers, being founded in the 1750s as the Leeds Intelligencer. Its biggest scoop was in the 1930s when it became the first British paper to break the story of the abdication crisis surrounding King Edward VIII.
The Daily Mail
"WILL PENSIONS CRISIS CAUSED BY MARXIST GAY CATHOLIC ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM THE HITLER-BACKED EU CHEATING ON BENEFITS AND GETTING MARRIED CAUSE HOUSE PRICE CRASH AND CANCER IN MARGINALIZED WHITE CHRISTIANS?!?"Says the enemy's among us, taking our women and taking our jobs. The Daily Mail is ultra-right-wing, populist, nationalistic, xenophobic, isolationist, often hysterical, and notoriously obsessed with the immigrants, house prices, same-sex marriage, and claimants of state benefits. It infamously supported fascism in a big way◊ in the 1930s. Prior to World War II, it openly advocated an alliance with Adolf Hitler against the Dirty Communists, and it dismissed reports of mistreatment of German Jews as exaggerations◊. It further called Jews seeking refuge in Britain nothing more than economic migrants taking advantage of Britain's lax generosity. It led to the common nickname "the Daily Heil", and it's not too different from its anti-immigrant stance today. These days, it presents itself as the voice of the "silent (moral) majority" or of "the ordinary man on the street", who funnily enough happens to hold the exact same opinions as the Mail. Although it almost always supports the Conservatives, its tone often verges further right into UKIP and BNP territory. It also has an Irish edition that is similarly populist in its editorial policy, but doesn't necessarily have to align with the British version, leading to some humourous contradictions. It has a big website, with more views than even the Guardian's. It likes to dump its most sensationalist articles there, where they would be read by foreigners who take them seriously because it's a British paper (something on which Cracked has called them out). The website's "FeMail" section is ostensibly devoted to women's issues, but it's essentially a vehicle for the Mail to publish smut — it's known for showing naughty pictures, ostensibly for people to be outraged at, and it's full of codewords that sexualize women while still looking nominally progressive. Despite this, the Mail is the only paper in the UK with more female than male readers. It has a number of pet obsessions, but cancer might be its biggest; everything has been touted on its front page either to cause cancer or to cure it (and some do both on different days). This led to the nickname "The Daily Hypochondriac" and comedian Russell Howard giving us the the "Daily Mail Cancer Song" (set to the usual tune). It's also got an unhealthy obsession with homosexuality, largely the work of Heteronormative Crusader columnist Richard Littlejohn, who has it bad enough for the Guardian to publish an annual "Littlejohn Audit" keeping track of how many times he mentions gays. So does it do anything right? It does have interesting historical articles; for this, we can thank respected historian and former war correspondent Sir Max Hastings. It also has very good photography, resulting in nice nature and landscape photographs and eye-catching news photography (although it mostly puts this skill to paparazzi photos). The "coffee break" section isn't bad either.
— Every single Daily Mail issue ever, distilled into a single headline
The Mail on SundayThe Mail on Sunday is the Sunday sister paper to the Daily Mail. While still staunchly conservative, it's also far less alarmist than the Mail and far more credible. This makes it a paper of choice for conservatives who don't like hysteria. However, its journalists and columnists include staunchly Anglican conservative (and enemy of television) Peter Hitchens, brother of the famous atheist/antitheist Christopher Hitchens, who regularly bashes the Conservative Party for not being right-wing enough.
The Daily Express
"Well, 'ethical', I don't quite know what the word means, but perhaps you'll explain what the word means — 'ethical'."The Daily Express is known for two things; being owned by a former porn baron (hence the nickname "the Daily Sexpress") and its obsession with Princess Diana and her death (hence the nickname "the Di-ly Express"). It started as a pioneer of sorts, being the first British newspaper to have a crossword, and it was also the first to report on gossip and sports to any significant degree. It was also notable for having Leon Trotsky write dispatches during his exile from the Soviet Union. These days, though, it's best described as "the Daily Mail off its medication" for its demonisation of immigrants to the point of straight-up racism. Its scare-mongering articles about immigration were so racist that they prompted a complaint to the Press Complaints Commission, the newspapers' self-regulatory body — from its own journalists. Its owner, Richard Desmond, was a porn baron indeed (although he sues people who call him that), and the paper advertised his former channels' programmes (He also owned the mainstream Channel Five between 2010 and 2016). Ironically, the paper itself has a very reactionary stance that would oppose pornography in general terms. This creates something of a contradiction. His wife (at least according to Private Eye) appears to believe in weird conspiracy theories like UFOs or the dangers of the Large Hadron Collider, which have been appearing as stories on the paper's website. Its most tasteless moment was an article attacking the now-adult survivors of the Dunblane massacre, Britain's deadliest school shooting, because they put pictures of themselves drinking on their Facebook pages, which the journalist in question saw only by pretending to be a teenager and befriending them on the site. Its Princess Diana obsession is part of a wider case of Missing White Woman Syndrome and Worst News Judgment Ever (it doesn't help that Desmond and Di's fiancé were friends). It's also rather provincial in its coverage, reporting on severe British weather phenomena at the expense of other more newsworthy stories, and hating the European Union with a passion (Diana died over there!).
— Richard Desmond, Express owner. That quote was not invented.
The New Day (February 29, 2016 - May 6, 2016)Trinity Mirror's answer to the Mail, the Express, and the i, the New Day was launched at a time when the newspaper industry was in dire straits. Unlike your usual metropolitan paper, it had no editorial page, the information was dedicated mostly to news briefs, and the sports section was located in the middle pages rather than at the back cover, whose space is covered by a weather map. Experts thought it wouldn't last a year. It didn't last three months.
The Evening Standard
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVENIN' STANNITT!"The Evening Standard is, as the name implies, London's evening paper. It's best known for the distinctive way its sellers shout out its title in a single syllable. It has something of a reputation for provincialism, particularly regarding its coverage of the The London Underground; big news stories will be pushed off the front page in favor of the latest on the ongoing Tube strike. It's also obsessed with the evils of squatting. Politically, it's fairly right-wing; it played a key role in the election of Boris Johnson as mayor of London (hence its nickname "the Evening Boris"). This is largely because it has a particular hatred of the other candidate, incumbent Ken Livingstone: he likened one of their reporters to a concentration camp guard, and the whole thing exploded into a big scandal. It also supported Conservative candidate Zac Goldsmith in the 2016 mayoral election, to the point of reproducing his press releases more or less verbatim; here, they were less successful, as Goldsmith lost to Labour's Sadiq Khan. It's owned by Evgeny Lebedev, who purchased a majority of (Daily Mail parent) Associated Newspapers' stake for a single pound; this only served to make it even more right-wing than before. It also gives Lebedev's TV station London Live priority in its TV listings (ahead of even The BBC), in spite of it having, as Private Eye put it, slightly less viewers than the Yeti. Its current editor is former Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne, an appointment that caused much surprise, not least because Osborne was still an MP at the time of his appointment. Although a snap general election gave Osborne the opportunity to stand down, his editorship still raises eyebrows because of its needling of Theresa May (who sacked Osborne as Chancellor upon becoming PM).
— The war cry of its news-vendors
First NewsFirst News is a newspaper for young people of school age. It manages to take a mature and unbiased look at world issues while still being kid-friendly. It has everything a newspaper should have, but adapted for children.
"Are you a paedo? Are you a paedo? Have a bang on her tits, 16 today! Are you a paedo?"The Sun is one of the most infamous papers in Britain. It's also known as "the Currant Bun" (from Cockney rhyming slang) or "the Scum" (if you're feeling less charitable). It's famous for the Page Three Stunna, a collection of topless women on the third page; although it's not the only tabloid to do so, it's easily the most famous. It's thus essentially using topless women to sell propaganda. It quietly stopped in 2015, largely because the competition for ogling women was overwhelming. It's solidly right-wing politically. It has a populist working-class bent and presents itself as standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the common man, often unconvincingly. Surprisingly, though, it did support Labour in 1997, 2001, and 2005, even as it spent much of this period attacking the party in its editorials. One theory for this is that the paper doesn't want to be seen as backing a loser, while another suggests that its owner Rupert Murdoch is trying to get British media ownership regulations relaxed. Notorious former editor Kelvin MacKenzie best described the average Sun reader: "He's the bloke you see in the pub, a right old fascist, wants to send the wogs back, buy his poxy council house, he's afraid of the unions, afraid of the Russians, hates the queers and the weirdos and drug dealers. He doesn't want to hear about [serious news]." The list of people who loathe the Sun basically encompasses everybody not in that description. In spite of this, the Sun is the best-selling paper in the British isles and the tenth most popular worldwide. Its most infamous story revolved around the Hillsborough disaster, a stampede at a football match in 1989 that killed 96 Liverpool supporters. All official reports suggest it was caused by horrendous crowd control and poor policing, including an assumption that victims trying to escape the crush toward the field were hooligans trying to rush the pitch. The Sun said that other Liverpool fans were responsible for it, attacked first responders, and looted corpses. The story was so false that victims' families are suing News Corporation. It was so offensive that nobody in Liverpool will carry the Sun to this day — not Liverpool supporters, not people who don't care about football, not fans of Liverpool's bitter crosstown rivals Everton — nobody. The story was largely the MacKenzie's brainchild; he was such a newsroom tyrant that nobody, even those within the Sun who could see this see this coming, could talk him down; he even retracted his apology, claiming Rupert Murdoch pressured him into making it. He even forbade coverage of the 2016 verdict on the case apart from a brief wire report; Liverpool F.C. retaliated by issuing a lifetime ban on the newspaper(and the Daily Star, which also ran an incensing—if more obscure headline), ensuring that the paper will Never Live It Down. It's also well-known for its creative (and equally infamous headlines), such as "GOTCHA" (referencing the sinking of the General Belgrano during The Falklands War); "ARE WE BEING RUN BY A GAY MAFIA?", which sparked a huge backlash against their homophobia (as The News Quiz snarked, "Do they leave a My Little Pony's head in your bed?"); and "STRAIGHT SEX CANNOT GIVE YOU AIDS", which one journalism professor called the worst newspaper article in British history (even beating out the Hillsborough lies), as the headline is not only patently untrue, but can actively endanger readers' lives. The paper is staunchly conservative, even taking the credit for the Tories' surprise victory in the 1992 general election ("IT'S THE SUN WOT WON IT"). Years later it endorsed Brexit ("BeLEAVE in Britain") although that meant a boycott from advertisers and readers, and its opposition to Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn (" DON'T CHUCK BRITAIN IN THE COR-BIN") mostly back-fired. That's a lot to digest for a by-word for nasty journalism, but all you need to know is condensed quite nicely in this Billy Bragg song, "Never Buy the Sun". Ironically, it started as the Daily Herald, a trade union-owned, genuinely pro-Labour Party broadsheet for "political radicals". After a decline during the post-war period, it was bought by the International Publishing Corporation (owners of the Daily Mirror) between 1961 and 1964, maintaining its profile; then, due to a market study identifying demographic changes behind that decline, it was transformed into The Sun in 1964, catering to both "political" and "social radicals" in the middle class. Then, after a further decline, it got sold to Murdoch, who turned it into the modern-day tabloid.
— Russell Howard on a typical edition
The Daily Mirror
"One editor's ego is not worth the life of a British soldier."The Daily Mirror is a generally left-wing tabloid, though as a populist paper it can veer to the right on isues like crime. Ironically, it was founded as a conservative stable-mate of the Daily Mail (to the extent of supporting Oswald Mosley); it turned to its current ideology in the 1930s under the editorship of Guy Bartholomew. It was a genuinely good investigative newspaper which ran many acclaimed campaigns and perpectives; the great John Pilger was one of its leading lights. And then crooked businessman and financier Robert Maxwell got hold of it in 1984, and the old left-wing spirit was emasculated. After Maxwell's mysterious death in 1991, the paper passed into the hands of decidedly right-wing editor and publisher David "Rommel" Montgomery, who was already famous for helming the defunct (and slavishly pro-Thatcher) newspaper Today. A bitter joke among old Mirror hands goes, "I thought a leader called Monty was supposed to be on our side." Post-Montgomery, the paper has made vague efforts towards claiming back its left-wing credentials, including rehiring Pilger to report on the Iraq War and being the only national paper that supported the Labour Party in the tail-end of Gordon Brown's premiership. Its most famous former editor, though, is Piers Morgan, who ran the paper betwen 1995 and 2004, shifting the paper towards liberalism. He was sacked for faking pictures of abuse by British soldiers in Iraq. The vicious coverage led to people spitting on soldiers in the street before the pictures were exposed as false; the military as lost all respect for the Mirror, but they generally don't think of it as worth attackingnote . Morgan, meanwhile, became a target of persistent ridicule (Private Eye always calls him some variant of "Piers Moron") and was banished to America to be an anchor on CNN before being booted back to England, now working for the Mail. The Mirror has a long and odd history of enmity with Private Eye, in spite of them not taking anybody in the media particularly seriously. The Mirror would devote vast resources to the "battle", suing the magazine and its editor Ian Hislop for £225,000 (about half a million 2013 pounds); Hislop famously snarked about giving "a fat cheque to a fat Czech" (Maxwell having been born in Czechoslovakia). It even called Hislop's vicar asking for "dirt"; the most they could dig up were invented stories about Hislop's alleged "chronic piles" and "weird obsession with tangerines". It was interestingly founded as a "paper for women", and it's trying to rediscover that niche, to the point that generally about half of its content it aimed specifically at women, with the remainder (barring the sports pages) being largely gender-neutral. The exception is Saturday and Monday, which is largely dedicated to football anyway. It has a very loyal following Oop North, a separate Northern edition has been edited since 1955. It's pretty much the only national paper you can quietly read in Manchester or Liverpool. After a miners' strike and a football tragedy, the very idea of selling (let alone reading) a Tory paper can lead to some troubles.
— Spokesman for the Queen's Lancashire Regiment, during the paper's whatever-the-opposite-to-a-finest-hour-is and sacking of its least-regarded editor.
The Daily Star
"WILL HOMO MUSLIM BENEFIT SCROUNGERS CAUSE JORDAN TO HAVE BREAST CANCER?!?"The Daily Star, like the Daily Express, is a Desmond title. It's got more tits and less news than the Sun, and it's essentially a daily gossip magazine. It admittedly makes things up and has been sued for it before. If the Express is "the Mail off its meds", the Star is "the Express's special little brother off its meds" — it's so racist and homophobic that it's cozied up to the far-right, Muslim-baiting English Defence League on several occasions. One reporter quit after being instructed to "wrap himself around" a group of women in burqas wearing nothing but his underwear. It's infamous for its misleading headlines:
— Every Star Headline Ever
- "JORDAN IN NEW CANCER SCARE! Shock Diagnosis for Kate and her Family!" was only about the fact that Katie Price's boyfriend uses fake tan, which might cause cancer.
- "TERROR AS PLANE HITS ASH CLOUDS" was entirely fictional and illustrated with an image from a documentary.note
- "ROYAL BABY ON WAY" didn't have anything to do with William and Kate's actual children; it came right after they were married and revealed oh-so-startlingly that now that they were married, they might choose to conceive a child.
- "BORING OLD GITS TO WED", referring to Prince Charles' engagement to Camilla Parker-Bowles. Actually Pretty Funny if you don't care about gossip at all.
- "PERV SPOOF BOSSES AXE WRESTLING◊", right next to a headline ogling the breasts of singer Charlotte Church, who was 15 at the time. It proved Chris Morris completely right in the aftermath of a certain special episode of Brass Eye.
The CommunistsThe Communists are a notoriously fractious bunch, and as such they have a number of their own newspapers which may or may not still exist:
- The Morning Star is nominally affiliated with the British Communist Party (well, whichever one still exists); however, it aims for a broader audience than the radical left. It was formerly known as The Daily Worker and jumped ship from a previous Communist Party right as it collapsed during The Great Politics Mess-Up. It's one of the few daily Communist papers, and it's got the highest circulation among them — which isn't saying much.
- The News Line, the daily paper of the far-Trotskyist Workers' Revolutionary Party, is a unique far-left daily. It's largely considered unreadable because of its impenetrable jargon. Its sports pages are quite good, though; its horse racing coverage is even better than that of most mainstream papers.
- Most far-left papers are weekly rather than daily, and they're usually only sold in the street by supporters of the groups that print them. Examples include the Socialist Worker (bitter enemies of News Line), Militant, and the Worker's Hammer.
- Class War is a weekly Anarchist paper with a miniscule circulation. Its only claim to fame is a single headline which quintupled its sales, regarding the birth of Prince William: "ANOTHER FUCKING ROYAL PARASITE IS BORN!"
The Daily Sport
"TITS"The Daily Sport is pure Male Gaze. It's the equivalent of the US National Enquirer. It superficially resembles the Sun, Mirror, and Star, but it contains almost nothing that is normally thought of as news. It's so downtrodden as a paper that Googling its title gets you the Star's website instead. After a single brush with bankruptcy, the daily edition of this organ of the press (which organ is best left to the imagination) has ceased publication, although the Sunday Sport and a midweek version remain in circulation. Its typical fare (squeezed in, with extreme difficulty, around the porn) includes stories of a double-decker bus encased in an Antarctic ice sheet, a World War II bomber found on the Moon, a kebab house with an unconventional ingredient, and a half-horse, half-human baby. When an astronomer called them to say that he had a telescope pointed at the moon which couldn't pick up a bomber, the headline the next day was "World War II Bomber on Moon Vanishes!"
— The Daily Sport and everything about it distilled into a single word
The News of the World
"We reject absolutely any suggestion that there is a culture of wrongdoing at this newspaper."The News of the World was another Murdoch paper, formerly published weekly on Sunday. Founded in 1843, it was usually thought of as the "Sunday Sun", and in terms of content they were almost exactly the same. It was otherwise known as "News of the Screws" or "Screws of the World". It was traditionally the newspaper of choice for wrapping fish and chips (before the practice was stopped as a health hazard). It was forced to shut down in 2011 when the Guardian discovered that it had hacked the voicemails of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler and deleted messages from her voicemail, giving her family hope that she might still be alive. The fallout from this led to the resignation of several high-ranking officials in the government and the London Metropolitan Police. It also scuttled Rupert Murdoch's bit to acquire the BSkyB network and led to a long inquiry and discussion over ethics in tabloid journalism.
— Statement from News International
"I'm sure that the People will be available for your press releases — right between Jordan's tits and the kinky sex spread."The People is a Sunday-only sister to the Sunday Mirror. No one reads it — or rather, no one admits to reading it, since the Sunday Mirror is basically the same but with better brand recognition and less pornographic connotations. Somehow, though, it's still going after 130 years. It's notorious for Bait-and-Switch front pages involving celebrities' "lady bits", usually purporting to show a photograph of national celebrities' "downstairs", and an article that winds up having only a tangential relationship to anything.
— Piers "Moron" Morgan, during a heated conflict with Alastair Campbell over perceived anti-Labour bias at the Mirror.
"It's basically a foreign country!"Most national newspapers also put out a Scottish edition with a few vague attempts at localisation. This is influenced by the fact that political "left and right" are a bit different in Scotland than in the rest of the UK, particularly England; a centrist in London terms would be seen as rather right-wing in Scotland. This means that while the Sun is solidly Tory in the rest of the UK, its Scottish edition maintains an uncomfortable neutrality, even going as far as backing the SNP rather than the Tories in the 2015 election — local opinion (and its effect on sales) winning out over the influence of Rupert Murdoch. That said, there are also a few specifically Scottish titles, such as:
— Piers "Moron" Morgan
- The Herald, formerly The Glasgow Herald, is a centre-left broadsheet. It historically supported Labour, although was anti-war in Iraq. Its Sunday edition is called The Sunday Herald, and it's strongly in favour of Scottish independence, to the extent of sometimes being overwhelmingly biased — by contrast, The Herald itself is against it.
- The Scotsman, published in Edinburgh, is a slightly right-leaning paper, by which we mean that they don't really distinguish between Lib Dems and New Labour in general terms. It's a broadsheet in terms of content, but published at tabloid size. The Sunday edition is called Scotland on Sunday. It came out against Scottish independence.
- The Daily Record is a Scottish tabloid, published in Glasgow. It's also known as "the Daily Weegie", "The Daily Rangers", and "The Daily Retard". It supports Labour and takes a leftist stance on economic issues, but it tends to be conservative on social issues (it vocally supported a campaign to retain the anti-gay Section 28 legislation), and it's fiercely anti-nationalist. It's the second best-selling paper in Scotland (beaten by only the Sun). It was previously owned by the Mirror Group, when it was basically just the Scottish edition of The Mirror, but it is now independently owned. A cut-down version is sold in Aberdeen, Dundee, Edinburgh, and Glasgow, with a small amount of region-specific exclusive content in each edition. The Sunday edition is The Sunday Mail, which is more leftist and is the best-selling Sunday paper in Scotland.
- The Press & Journal is published in Aberdeen and only available in the North-East of Scotland. It's known in its area as the "P&J". It's incredibly parochial; the rumour goes that the sinking of the Titanic was reported as "North-East Man Lost at Sea". It's independently owned and published; it's right-leaning, but it does not openly support the Conservative party. Infamously supported Donald Trump's controversial Aberdeen golf course, to the point of calling councillors who voted against it "traitors"; Private Eye has observed the interesting coincidence that the editor's wife was Trump's vice president in charge of the development.
- The Sunday Post is Tartan, Heather and Shortbread in Sunday newspaper form. It's published in Dundee and home to iconic Scottish comic strips The Broons and Oor Wullie; no surprise then that it's published by D.C. Thomson, better known for comics such as The Beano and The Dandy. It has no daily edition, because no one could take that level of "Bonnie Scotland" sentiment on a daily basis.
- The National is a more recent newspaper, established in late 2014 as a pro-independence newspaper. It's a sister paper to the Herald and Sunday Herald, but quite clearly modelled after the latter in terms of both presentation and editorial stance. In line with most things in post-referendum Scotland, the response has been... mixed, if Scottish social media is anything to go by, and Private Eye dismisses it as an "SNP fanzine". It's known for its mocking front pages (often involving Photoshop of varying quality) and the use of Meaningless Meaningful Words by some of its columnists. It's nicknamed "The Nat Onal" for its Lucky Charms Title.
Most English papers sell specific Irish editions in Northern Ireland and in the Republic of Ireland. These range from near-identical to the English versions (the Irish Sun) to substantially different (the Irish Daily Star, which is much less interested in celebrities and cares a lot more about Irish politics). However, some papers you'll find only in Ireland:
- The Belfast Telegraph is a conservative and moderate Unionist daily broadsheet published in Belfast. It's currently the best-selling Northern Ireland-based newspaper.
- The Irish News is published in Belfast and available across Ireland, though it is only a major player in the North. It's a moderate Nationalist compact.
- The News Letter, an ancient Belfast based tabloid, has been published since 1737, making it the longest surviving English-language daily in the world. It's staunchly Unionist in politics, though apparently it was once Republican in its distant past.
- The Impartial Reporter, based mainly around Fermanagh and Enniskillen, tries its hardest to stay out of politics, and a brief look at Northern Irish politics will tell you why and give you the reason for the name. In spite of this, it's viewed in some circles as the local Protestant/Unionist newspaper; a second newspaper in the area, The Fermanagh Herald, is more geared towards Catholic/Nationalist readers. This duopoly in local press according to where you stand on The Irish Question is mirrored in other cities and towns in Northern Ireland. Its second-largest city has weekly papers The Derry Journal and The Londonderry Sentinel — have a guess which community each paper targets.
Freesheets are tabloid-sized newspapers available for free at railway stations and from street vendors — or from the seats of trains, which is where they usually end up. Letters to the Metro have on occasion encouraged people to do this and complained about train staff removing the papers. On the Manchester trams, there are notices encouraging people to leave the Metro on the seat. Conversely, on Manchester area trains and The London Underground there are posters warning that doing so is littering.
- Metro is the biggest such paper and has multiple local editions. No real political views are explicitly expressed in the paper (which doesn't have a comment section) aside from a pro-EU stance, although it's ironically part of the Daily Mail conglomerate. Amusingly, it once confused a Saudi Royal with an international terrorist. Most of its content is an obsession over The X Factor, reality TV, and pop music. For many years it printed Nemi before dumping all its comic strips as a cost-saving measure. On Fridays, it publishes a column by comedian Richard Herring, leading to much Just Here for Godzilla sentiment.
- thelondonpaper, now defunct, was owned by Rupert Murdoch, but unlike his other papers, it's strongly socially liberal, with regular gay columnists, both male and female. It also frequently put a picture of a scantily-clad woman in its "pictures of the day" section on page 2.
- London Lite, Associated Newspapers-owned (and previously a lite version of the Standard), now defunct.
- City AM is a business paper, with a supplement on sports betting.
News and Political Magazines
- The Economist is a weekly magazine (although it calls itself a "newspaper") owned by the Economist Group. It's mostly known in the US as that magazine whose name you throw around if you want to sound smart, whether or not you actually read it. It covers foreign affairs and economic matters from a classic liberal perspective (as opposed to an American liberal one). In the British media, it is considered to be economically quite hard-right-wing but socially libertarian, placing it more or less halfway between the leftmost of the Thatcherite Tories and the rightmost of the Lib Dems (in the US it tends to fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum). It got its dream government in the Tory-Lib Dem coalition, which it frequently praised. The news magazine is mostly a loss-leader for the very expensive, specialised, and high-quality business information and economic analysis provided by other bits of the Economist Group.
- The Spectator is the right-wing weekly news magazine, which dates back to the nineteenth century (although it sometimes naughtily claims descent from a famous unconnected early magazine of the same title from the eighteenth century). It's now owned by the Telegraph Group. It's generally open to all strains of right-wing thought, from the libertarian to the neo-conservative to the old-school up-the-aristocracy, and editing the magazine gets you a lot of cred in the Conservative Party (e.g. Boris Johnson). It likes to criticize Political Correctness Gone Mad. It is perhaps the last holdout of the "old fogey" who hates modern music (especially this scruffy rock 'n' roll thing) and these awful films. It has weekly features on classical music, opera, theatre, and poetry, contrasted with minimal token coverage of everything else. That said, they also have more liberal contributors like Nick Cohen in the mix.
- Standpoint is a monthly politics magazine which is much closer to US Republicanism than any native British ideology, full of stories pointing out how Western civilisation is in danger from the Muslims and their multicultural socialist friends. Opponents contend that it sells sod-all and exists merely as an attempt to persuade Americans with those politics that they have a serious constituency in the UK. Like the Spec, it does print notable leftist Nick Cohen, however.
- New Statesman is the left-wing weekly news magazine, popularly known as "the Staggers" because of its perpetual financial precariousness. It lost a lot of prestige thanks to a period when it was owned by a slightly corrupt government minister and became slavishly Blairite. It now seems slightly confused and looking for a role.
- The Week is a weekly digest of the week's big news stories, with a fairly dull middle-market middle-wing middle-brow viewpoint. It's the news and politics magazine for people who aren't all that interested in that sort of thing but think they should be making an effort.
- The Big Issue is a weekly magazine which contains articles about social issues. Notably, it specifically exists as a means for homeless people to make a legitimate income; it is only sold in the street by homeless vendors and can't be bought in shops.
- Prospect is a monthly politics magazine with a general establishment-left (although surprisingly anti-immigration at times) and pro-European tendency.
- Spiked, formerly Living Marxism, was created out of the wreckage of that magazine after they falsely accused ITN of inventing Serbian death camps during the Bosnian War. It began as a broadly left-wing but anti-state magazine, but now it seems to get a kick out of saying the opposite of everyone else and essentially dressing up hard-right libertarianism as "revolutionary defeatism" and "anti-state Marxism". Others have said it has no ideology beyond contrarianism, to the point where it endorsed people's "right to view" child pornography during the paedo-panic in the 1990s then reversed course in the 2000s to take a very conservative line on sexual matters, campaigning against gay marriage and the existence of transgender people (they're all just mad, apparently).
- New Internationalist is an alternative magazine based in Oxford with a circulation of 75,000, though with a larger presence online. Since its founding in 1973, it has stayed the course in its focus on promoting global justice and activism. It is also in ways a product of its time (and staff), with a particularly libertarian-socialist and fervently environmentalist slant in its reporting.