(while winding up for a punch) Sometimes you have fun, and sometimes the fun has you.
Crazy robots...Crazy robots everywhere...
We're gonna be bodyguards for teen rock-stars. Schlock:
Wouldn't the cause of freedom be better served if we killed them instead?
'Minimal collateral damage' and 'Entire star system' do not belong in the same sentence.
: ...How did Petey get a gestalt off of a battleplate
I didn't ask, and all he said was "in for a penny, in for plutonium".
Chief of Security:
Do the words 'Temporary Restraining Order' have ANY MEANING? Schlock:
Yeah. 'Come back with guns.'
I'd punch you in the face, but I don't want to get any stupid
on my hands.
Oops. Brad, I think some of those walls are structural.
We don't run from the end of the world. We CHARGE!
No offense, sir, but you think too slowly. Every three seconds you waste kills over a hundred thousand people. Captain Kaff Tagon:
I think that's the stupidest I've ever been called, Petey.
Captain Kevyn Andreyasn:
There are customers we serve
, and customers we service
Now, quick. Let's save the galaxy while they're confused.
Leave me before I'm compelled to use your lifeblood as cream in my coffee.
"Like a chainsaw through butter."
Stop [the doublethink]. You're hurting my brain. Commander Kevyn:
Isn't your brain distributed throughout your entire body? Sergeant Schlock:
See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
"Spy" is such a short, ugly word. I prefer "espionage." Those extra three syllables really say
Is this another one of those questions where one of the answers goes 'blam?' Gateclone!Doythaban:
Actually, I think several of your possible answers make that noise.
From the fleetmind, there is a single ship, the Plaited Daisies
. Captain Kaff Tagon:
Oh, there's a nice, peaceful name...I assume it's one of Petey's "Devastator" class warships. Ennesby:
Actually, he's dubbed this class "Extortionators."
Now let's 'port out of here and run like we stole something. TAG:
Historically, the most successful thieves depart at a moderate saunter, confident in the knowledge that the theft has gone undetected.
Pretend you're a purse snatcher. TAG:
Am I feeding a drug habit, or am I nobly stealing to buy medicine for my sick child?
Obviously it's a giant death-ray that fires through hyperspace! Ebby:
You either need more medication, or less science-fiction. Pi:
Or less medication and more ammo.
I know, I know ... this operation was your idea. Remember, the true officer can let others execute where his own passion lies. Brad:
You just made that up. Tagon:
No, I got it off a poster I saw at the police station.
Massey, you've been with us since before Doyt came aboard. During that time have we done anything illegal? Massey:
Do you want me to sort the list by date, or do you want it grouped into 'felonies' and 'misdemeanors?' Tagon:
You could have just said "yes" and left it at that. Massey:
A couple of items may fall under 'high treason' or 'war crimes.' I'll have to check.
Captain, may I interrupt? Captain Tagon:
You may not. This meeting is important. If you want my attention there had better be a fire, a hull breach or a lot of blood. TAG:
So...will you listen to me if I blow a couple of bulkheads and spray burnex across the deck?
This is the universe calling to tell Tagon that his reality check has bounced. 
Now please stop pretending that you are the voice of the people. You just happen to be loud, and wearing a microphone.
Lieutenant Ventura, I need every scrap
of your notes and schematics for "King" Lota. Para Ventura:
Sure. But why? Kevyn:
It's one of the oldest rules of good strategy. . . "Know thy enemy." Para Ventura:
Yeah, yeah. I've heard that one. But isn't Lota signing the checks for your mission? Kevyn: Fact one:
My enemy has money.
Maybe we're just jaded, but your villainy is not particularly impressive.
Schlock, I know those union thugs were threatening us all with physical violence, but you went too far there at the end. Sure, the plasgun was all you had handy for our defense, I understand that. I can even understand you putting them down permanently when they begged you to make the pain stop. Schlock:
Eating their ashes was uncalled for. I'm sorry. Breya:
Don't let it happen again. Kevyn:
At least this way there's no evidence to worry about.
That's the name. "LOTA". It's your
name. You live in those control systems. You are
the Discontiguous Particle Acceleration System. LOTA:
Yes, that is a little megalomaniacal. Kevyn:
Only now "LOTA" stands for "Long-Gunner Of the Apocalypse." LOTA:
...and Lota likes it.
I can't help but wonder whether you're able to function in society. Pi:
I don't function in
society, sir. I'm a mercenary
. I blow society up
TAG, let's force their hand. Make a run for it, between the Tokyo
and the Terra Firmator
, full power to drive and shields. Tag:
Full power, roger. It worked, sir. Captain Tagon:
We're getting away? Tag:
No, we have been tractored by the Popigai
and the Plaited Daisies
. Captain Tagon:
Oh, we forced their hand. Ennesby:
They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.
Captain, I don't care how much you hate somebody... it's just wrong
to bring cake and champagne to their funeral. Captain Tagon:
Somebody assassinated King Xinchub
I'll fab some party hats, and maybe some of those noisemaker thingies. Kevyn:
And ice cream to go with the cake.
I could drop the low end, but then what you'd really be holding is a small caliber rotary artillery piece. Schlock:
That's the nicest thing anybody's said to me all day. Kevyn:
For it to be useful you'll need micro-grenades instead of slugs. I've got some right here. Schlock:
No, wait. THAT is.
Our "passive scanning" has slowly gotten us exactly nowhere. I'm open to ideas. We may need to adopt a more risky approach. Schlock:
Burn the place until the smells go away, then interrogate the survivors. Chelle:
Would there be
any survivors in that scenario? Schlock:
Probably not. What a time-saver!
Lt. Commander Shodan, years ago when you enlisted you asked for a job as a martial arts trainer. Captain Tagon:
And here you are, trying to solve our current problem with martial arts training. Captain Tagon:
How's that saying go? "When you're armed with a hammer, all your enemies become nails?" Shodan:
Sir,.. you're right. I'm being narrow-minded. Captain Tagon:
No, no. Please continue. I bet martial arts training is a really, really useful hammer.
Captain, about your security: Have you ever heard of a modem? Megiddo:
No. Why? Kevyn:
Let's just say that those who don't study history are doomed to get their butts kicked by the geeks who do.
: That's not how I remember it, Commander. Kevyn
: Who's telling this story, Sergeant? Schlock
: Oooh! I know this one! "A mind-control
test-subject who hasn't yet had his head re-examined!"note
: You get stuff like this in your dreams? Doctor Bunnigus
: Yup, four times, and that's just tonight. Schlock
: Doc, that's a swarm of nanites and a naked, headless zombie. Doctor Bunnigus
: My brain is a dangerous place. Schlock
: Well, if you are
dreaming, please stop, okay?
If I smash the little hover-projector does the Koala-God feel pain?
: They're letting up. Cover me, I'm going to unleash some hell... Chisulo
: Hell already slipped its leash, Mr. Crunchy.
Bhotsu: I told the captain you probably wouldn't appreciate the cheek.
: Commodore, in our zeal to not make the news, we have been timid and allowed our quarry to escape. We are fast approaching the end of our short list of non-newsworthy tactics. If you and the Captains under your command can find the Touch-And-Go
without creating an incident, I will accept cheek, smack-talk, ribald humor and all manner of political incorrectness. If you cannot, however, I may be forced to charge this command into the Fleetmind's meat-grinder. If it should come to that, we shall all want your reservoirs of wit full to overflowing, that our last words may be clever and entertaining.
: It's not extortion if they pay you before you have a chance to properly threaten them.
Tagon: The opportunity to get paid by the enemy for extracting your own troops doesn't just knock on your door every day.
Kevyn: I say we invite opportunity inside for a nice cup of tea, then hit her on the head and steal her purse.
Here's hoping she's got expensive tastes and a great credit rating.
Captain Gasca: Dehaans would have gift-wrapped Oisri for us by now. Colonel Krum is too cautious.
(from behind him
) Maybe if Colonel Dehaans had been more
cautious, he would be less dead.
Also, let me know whether duct-taping a zombie counts as "desecrating a corpse" in your jurisdiction.
: You know what they say. Ain't a proper charlie foxtrot until you've got the brass involved. Reporting Ensign
: Oh, look at that. You're involved.
They committed suicide when they saw me coming.
Tagon: Tell me how much [the repairs] will cost an how long it will take!
It will cost the price of a new ship, and take as long as it takes you to go shopping.
Apparently "That wasn't our fault" still doesn't play well on a resume.
They're mercenaries. They're paid to find the danger and then wreak violence until it stops being dangerous.
About those vows. See...I'm morally opposed to having my mind and memories altered, even to save my life. But now that we're married, you've got me playing Adam to your Eve. I can keep one Commandment, "Don't eat the fruit," by not eating it. Or I can keep another Commandment, "Cleave to your wife," by eating the fruit with you, and staying with you through all of the consequences. Lots of people wonder if Adam made the right decision. I think he did, but I doubt I'm strong enough to do the same. Bunny:
I don't think they're going to give us a choice in the matter. Theo:
Oh. Problem solved. Adam tells God that the Serpent force-fed him an apple while he slept, and BAM! He woke up wondering why he never before noticed he was naked.
Schlock: Travel the galaxy, meet interesting new people, and then swim in their poop.