Funny: Schlock Mercenary
It may be a space opera, but there's still plenty to laugh about here (examples sorted by date; spoilers unmarked):
Book 2: The Teraport Wars
- Hi! I'm a terapedo.
- Massey details the human justice system to amorphs. The real kicker is that even the faceless medical bot on the background is wigged out.
- General Xinchub leans on the Toughs in order to get them to take a contract.
Tagon: General, let's be clear on this. Working for you will be no different than working for any number of other clients I've personally detested. Granted, I'm growing un-fond of you faster than I have of any other fat, fascist warlord I've taken money from, but if your money is good, I'm sure I can get over it.Ennesby: Word choice, sir. Word choice.
Book 3: Under New Management
- The gunfire is just annoying. The racial profiling, though....that hurt me. I mean, it cuts deep, guys.
- That mercenary captain you hired? I think he just disintegrated.
- Ceeta is introduced to the trope namer for Weapons Grade Vocabulary.
Book 6: Resident Mad Scientist
- "They can get in line behind the police, the people whose cars we trashed, the Empire of Ob'enn, the Partnership Collective, and the Wormgate Corporation. Oh, and I think maybe some dark matter beasties from Andromeda."
General Tagon: You "think maybe?"
Book 7: Emperor Pius Dei
- This one's for Massey:
Massey: All you need to do is to drop all charges against our lieutenant.
Attorney Drone I: You are a wicked little man, Reynstein.
Massey: I am, and that brings us to my final item. I'd like you to examine this document, in which the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs" is named an agent of the U.N.S. Superior Court for purposes of administering damages against the Partnership Collective.datascreen readout: goodbye!
- The christening of the Touch-And-Go.
- Schlock goes base-jumping. (follow the next three pages)
Kevyn: If I weren't so busy right now, I'd buy you drinks in order to hear the rest of this report.
Schlock: If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub.
- "Did he just say 'flakeymost'?" "Death is too good for this one."
- Tagon attempts to defend the company in a court of law. Badly. Massey is forced to step in.
Massey: Sure, I'm an attorney, and you've decreed "No representation." but since I am one of the defendants, I should at least get to speak for myself, right?
Petey: You know, they say that a lawyer who represents himself has A Fool for a Client.
Massey: HAVE YOU SEEN WHO I WORK FOR?!?
Book 8: The Sharp End of the Stick
- Kevyn learns that he already has the respect of the crew.
- Kevyn seeks advice from the Reverend on how to ask forgiveness for an unintentional insult.
Reverend: Look them in the eye and tell them you're sorry. The exact wording will vary depending on how you've wronged them, and whether they already know they've been wronged by you.
Kevyn: I need to apologize to Elf for making her feel stupid.
Reverend: Shout the apology at a dead run, and retreat under covering fire provided by troops loyal only to you.
- Kevyn learns to be careful with the very flames of heaven.
- Nick wrote down some numbers...and they are all strings of 1's.
Book 9: The Body Politic
- Captain Tagon turns down a high-paying job — and the reactions this provokes in the adjutant, doctor, and reverend.
- "...are you angry?" "I am not angry!"
- "Well... there wasn't any tongue."
- General Xinchub, not quite dead.
Tagon: I guess we celebrated your death a little too early.
Xinchub: Sorry to disappoint you, Captain.
Tagon: (armed and wearing a party hat) Oh, its no trouble. We kept the party hats, just in case.
Tagon: It's okay, though. We're going to turn him back into a corpse and we won't charge you extra.
- The next strip continues the saga:
Breya: Tagon, please don't do that. I need you to bring him to me alive.
Captain Tagon: Oh. That will cost you extra.
Book 10: The Longshoreman of the Apocalypse
- Lieutenant Pi's cunning plan to lure out high explosives.
- Tagon's response to mercenaries quitting because he paid too well.
- Word gets around fast, you know?
- Kevin's rebuff of Para's opinion of his science being not mad enough.
- Schlock's expression at the thought of being able to fire his shortbarrel rotary fifty around corners.
- "They committed suicide when they saw me coming."
- Kevyn's attempt to confiscate Schlock's plasma cannons, and his subsequent attempt to impress upon Schlock the danger of mixing plasma cannons and antimatter. The very serious danger.
- Legs's plan to go in for a hard landing next to the target hits a snag.
- 'Chelle's arrival at the aftermath of the antimatter fight.
- When the Touch-and-Go regains power.
Book 11: Massively Parallel
- "You're in the circus, try to be happy. You're in the circus, try to be happy." had me in stiches.
- "Look! Up in the sky!" "It's a turd!" "On a flame!".
- Ennesby gets control of his own personal army of worker drones. He makes them sing.
- Captain Tagon tries to talk to their employer, the Cloud Cuckoo Lander and Strange Syntax Speaker Mister Aliss.
Tagon: You think that because you scolded me I'm going to hurt you? You're our employer, Mister Aliss. We're here to protect you and your business. You pay us so that you don't get hurt.Aliss: Will the having of more money don't the hurting?Tagon: Extortion sometimes has grammar issues, but... wow.
- Captain Tagon almost turns down an offer of more money.
- "More practice, less theme music."
- Legs finds the spot where a camera should go. Also, a camera, already there.
- Captain Tagon sets up a "legendary ambush".
- Equipment failure.
- No, the monkey is new.
- Quit worrying about hallucinations and TOGGLE THAT MONKEY!
- "I am ablative armor! Life is boring, then briefly exciting, then over!"
- Pi still has a full goodie-bag.
- (Anybody who knows Pi and hears him say this should, by all rights, empty their bowels at the thought.)
Book 12: Force Multiplication
- "How can anybody ever NOT need a gunship?"
- No, I eat my enemies when they are delicious.
- 'Dumped on the stoop' is a new one.
- "I had my own little army for awhile. Then I got sick" "You look okay now, Shep." "Okay? I can barely Bench-Press three times my weight."
- "She's like Patton with boobs."
- Made all the funnier by one reader's comment: "But it's impolite for one of the boobs to mention that."
- "Officer Training 101: Don't taunt Murphy."
- I WILL STOP ALL THE BULLETS!
- Mad science obligates Doctor Bunnigus to ask a very stupid question.
- Pau: the mastermind here, or not the mastermind here?
- "I can't wait to tell Tagon that since he wouldn't give us a gunship, we had to steal one."
- "This is not fair! Everybody, EVERYBODY, is getting to shoot EXCEPT FOR-(plasgun!) MEEEE!"
Book 13: Random Access Memorabilia
- "Tagii doesn't need overrides when I let her use plasma."
- Tagon's expression while undergoing auto-catheterization. Owwwwwwwww.
- Kowalski's snark to Emm and Krum about the failure of REDhack:
Kowalski: How many brain-clones of mine died out there?
Emm: Plenty. If souls exist, you just launched your own personal invasion of hell.
Kowalski: [cheerfully] So, the place will be secure when the three of us eventually arrive.
Book 14: Broken Wind
- Karl Tagon learns the latest legends being spread about his son.
- "People need to stop building weapons out of the places we're securing and supplying."
- "YOU CAN SEE INTO MY SOUL!"
- Unusually Uninteresting Sight has taken full effect with Sgt. Schlock, when his latest antic only receives a blunt "And apparently he can vomit himself into a tiny spaceship."
- "All hands! The enemy wants to shoot the annies in your pants!"
- Right after Para Ventura says its impossible now that the annie-powered equipment has all been destroyed, Captain Tagon orders Kathryn Flinders to move Ventura and a ton of her equipment onto the ship's spine, two hundred and fifty meters above ground. Cue three consecutive Beat Panels as she thinks it over.
Tagon: I see you just solved the problem in your head. More running and yelling now, please.
Flinders: With pleasure, sir.
Book 15: Delegates and Delegation
- Capt. Murtaugh issues Sgt. Schlock a weapon dangerous in ways that he cannot imagine.
Schlock: This is just a card with my picture on it.
Murtaugh: It is diplomatic immunity.
- Ennesby transmits a message to General Bala-Amin.
- Ennesby explains to Lt. Sorlie why the forward annie-plant array is called "the NUSPI".
- The entire conversation about Lt. Sorlie's spy implants, starting here.
- Schlock tells 'Chelle about the equipment issued to the Dom Atlantis police.
- After recovering from an explosion, Sgt. Schlock finds himself talking to the Hon. Prime Tangent Breya Andreyasn, for whom he has a message.
Breya: Okay, deliver.
[Schlock pauses, awkwardly]
Lt. Sorlie: I'm pretty sure he's supposed to deliver it in secret.
Schlock: Have either of you seen a little piece of paper around here?
- After Haban reveals that Schlock derailed an assassination attempt.
Schlock: Hah! I totally saved your life!
Breya: I freed you from police custody and gave you an entire tub of Genuine Imitation Ovalkwik.
Schlock: Oh, I guess we're even.
- Lt. Sorlie is assigned yet more responsibility.
Sorlie: Remember when I said I didn't want to hear any state secrets?
Bala-Amin: Remember when we asked you what you wanted?
Sorlie: You neve—
- Haban asks a reasonable question about memory-wipe-related brain surgery.
- General Bala-Amin's sheer frustration at how the Neoafans are clearly better people than the UNS.
- Captain Murtagh: Corporal Chisulo, a sack of politicians is not a weapon.
- Sergeant Schlock has no horse, no armor, and no sword, but even the mightiest mongol horse-warrior would see in him a fit heir.