"Your father and I are just too different, we're like apples and oranges... oranges who went off and slept with their secretary and broke the apple's heart."
"Sure, I can help you, but we might have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil, and by "devil", I mean Robot Devil, and by "metaphorically", I mean get your coat."
— Bender, Futurama
"But remember, its always the darkest before the undead feast upon your flesh."
"The real saying is 'If the wind blows, the bucket maker has good sales.' Which means that sneezing is proof of you being cursed by someone. In order to get rid of that curse, you need to obtain a straw doll. Additionally, you need long nails, which in turn leads to a lot of business for nail makers, causing a supply shortage. As a result, construction of houses becomes almost impossible, and everybody has to live in pit-like dwellings. That in turn leads to less wood being used, and less forests being cut down. Because the forests are being protected, the CO2 levels are reduced, and everybody is happy because of an environmentally responsible lifestyle."
— Yuuki, Kanamemo
"His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things."
"I'm not like some video game that you can just play with. You can't button mash and fiddle with my analog and not expect to get a reaction. A Special Move type of reaction, baby. A console is worthless without games to play on it. That's how I feel about us. I'm a game system and you're my Halo. And... my feelings for you are like... a memory card... And I no longer have any clue whatsoever what I'm talking about."
"Like they say in Brooklyn: early to bed, early to catch the worm. Or...is it the bagel?"
— "Mama" Luigi, Super Mario World
"Spike, for his part, just says a bunch of really callous and hurtful stuff as if he’s not just trying to burn his bridges, but also sow the river with salt so that no bridge will ever grow there again, and I think that I lost track of this metaphor somewhere along the way, but you get the picture."
Bob: I dunno about this, George.. I don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George: Don't worry, Bob! It's just like working in a fish market, except you don't have to clean or gut fish all day.
"You seem bent on spending your last moments in this world with your thumbs jammed into the thumbscrews of guilt, and turning them as hard as you can...which is impossible, I realize...but that analogy had a lot more promise when I started this sentence, and it seemed likely to end with a witty bon mot about screwing yourself. That didn't work out, did it? Nothing has, today."
— Prince Tramennis, Erfworld
"It usually comes to you in the night. Like a lover, or a burglar. You either get it, or it steals all your jewelry and you have to run it down and stab it in the heart. And...that metaphor got away from me, didn't it?"
— Isabella, Dragon Age II
"If we can hit the bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."
— Zapp Brannigan, Futurama
"Playing card games is just like making love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games."
— Grandpa, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
"Well...good! Good! Finally! A nemesis worthy of my vast intellect! Holmes vs. Moriarty! ...Aristotle vs. MASHY SPIKE-PLATE!
— Wheatley, Portal 2
THJ:"For you see, The Bible does hold metaphors to be a dreadful abomination. They are described in Leviticus 15:22 as a dark plague-cloud over the sky of justice. Metaphors are a burglar hiding in the shadows, a tiger crouching in the bush. They are a communicable disease, if you will, one that atrophies both mind and body irreversibly, and we must wash our hands clean of them before we are infected with their poisons.
LH:"I am so confused."
— Waldfields Zine
Someday I'll meet someone
Whose heart joins with mine
Aortas and arteries all intertwined
They'll beat so much stronger
Than they could apart
Eight chambers of muscle to hustle
The love in our heart
— Bobby Strong, Urinetown
"To me, the difference between Godhead and the Church is the difference between Elvis and Colonel Parker... although that conjures images of God dying on the toilet, which is not what I meant at all."
— Alan Moore, in "Correspondence: From Hell"
"It's curtains for you, Doctor Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains."
— Captain Hammer, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Man, I'd like to take her out to dinner. And by take her out to dinner I mean dunk the donut. And by dunk the donut I mean have sex with her. And by have sex with her I mean use my penis on her. And by penis I mean staple remover. And by staple I mean virginity.
"We are the Dark Knights for justice. Because as children we were nursed on the milk of justice, and as we grew up we acquired a taste for justice. Now as we get older we once again desire the taste of justice... but we cannot find the milk! So we go to Starbucks! And we get a coffee! But it's not the same thing! IT SUCKS! WHY DID I ORDER THIS!? IT'S TERRIBLE! And now you all understand what our mission is. And. What. We. Must. Do."
— Lelouch/One, Code Ment
Confidence comes from experience, you can't just be confident with things that you've never done before, I don't feel confident when I call phone numbers that I've never called before because I don't know who's gonna pick up the phone. You know imagine this, where I just go pick up the phone I'm calling somebody I need to inquire about some form of insurance and I pick up the phone and I say "hello who is this? I don't know who I'm calling" and they respond (in a deep and scratchy voice) "hello I am just a lonely farmer." I don't know what just happened I am really uncomfortable with this situation because I have never heard anybody introduce themselves like that, EVER. I don't know what to do, and that's the same thing with demo-knighting or whatever; if you're not familiar with your demo-knight situations you aren't going to be confident about them 'cause I know for sure if somebody answered the phone like that I would...I'd probably hang up. I would be very scared after that. I would feel bad about hanging up, but I would do it just because of how uncomfortable or unprepared for the situation I was and you know hanging up probably was a bad idea because he is a lonely farmer and he just wanted someone to talk with and he has a little bit of a voice problem - so not the nicest thing for me to do there, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready - can't blame me, I wasn't ready. But, the very next time I answered a phone and somebody responded in that sort of fashion I would be ready because I would have had thought about that introduction from that one person a million times over where if it happened again I would have a speech prepared for that man. Everything would go smoothly and that experience would allow me to make a new friend. A very weird one that I might not wanna keep around for that long, but this has been going on way to long. This example died two minutes ago. We're moving on.
"He's an enigma wrapped in riddle wrapped a conundrum ... inside a cockroach."
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
— Bill Connolly
I WOULD LIKE TO REMARK ON A HUMAN EXPRESSION, "WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE." FUCK LEMONS. I WILL THROW THE OFFENDING CITRUS BACK AND HOPE IT STINGS INFURIATINGLY IN LIFE'S GROTESQUE GLANCE NUGGETS. HOWEVER, I AM UP TO MY NOOK IN LEMONS AND I HAVE SO MANY LEMONS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. I KNOW WHAT'S IN LEMONADE ASIDE FROM FRUIT, IT CONTAINS WATER AND SUGAR. LIFE DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY WATER AND CERTAINLY NO SUGAR. MY LEMONADE IS GOING TO FUCKING SUCK.
Po: See that's the thing, Shen. Scars heal.
Lord Shen: No, they don't. Wounds heal.
Po: Oh yeah. What do scars do? They fade, I guess?
It still hurt, there was no doubt about that. Being shoved aside from what had been a good thing in and of itself, their moirallegiance...it would have been a painful blow even if he hadn't been feeling so flushed for her. But what was that saying, if you pity someone, set them free and hatefuck the guy they left you for? Yeah, something along those lines.
Heroin isn't dangerous because you might get an infection. Heroin is dangerous because at best you're not just at Death's door — you're in Death's living room having a Mario Kart tournament at 2 a.m. and hoping he doesn't wake up, but you're not paying very close attention to the volume, because you're high on heroin.
Matt: Those that live in glass houses-
Devin: Probably should invest in actual houses.