open/close all folders
Advertising
Clerk 1: Aw, yeah... Nuketown!
Clerk 2: Yeah! I am the Mayor of Nuketown! My campaign promise is pain!
Clerk 1: Oh yeah? Well you can go ahead and crown me Miss Nuketown USA! My talent is tap-dancing... (dances, jazz hands) on your grave!
Clerk 3: Oh yeah? Well I'm the city planner of Nuketown! I lay down the infrastructure... so that... transit can run on time... I'll get back to you. (wanders off)
Clerk 2: Yeah! I am the Mayor of Nuketown! My campaign promise is pain!
Clerk 1: Oh yeah? Well you can go ahead and crown me Miss Nuketown USA! My talent is tap-dancing... (dances, jazz hands) on your grave!
Clerk 3: Oh yeah? Well I'm the city planner of Nuketown! I lay down the infrastructure... so that... transit can run on time... I'll get back to you. (wanders off)
— GameStop commercial for Call of Duty
Anime & Manga
"The real saying is "If the wind blows, the bucket maker has good sales." Which means that sneezing is proof of you being cursed by someone. In order to get rid of that curse, you need to obtain a straw doll. Additionally, you need long nails, which in turn leads to a lot of business for nail makers, causing a supply shortage. As a result, construction of houses becomes almost impossible, and everybody has to live in pit-like dwellings. That in turn leads to less wood being used, and less forests being cut down. Because the forests are being protected, the CO2 levels are reduced, and everybody is happy because of an environmentally responsible lifestyle."
— Yuuki, Kanamemo
Fan Works
I always thought swimming was kinda like doing somebody. You dive in, flop around a bit, and you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal. And then I found out swimming isn't like that at all. You can't have sex with your neighbor's above-ground backyard pool... what was I talking about?
— Haru, 50% OFF
We are the Dark Knights for justice. Because as children we were nursed on the milk of justice, and as we grew up we acquired a taste for justice. Now as we get older we once again desire the taste of justice... but we cannot find the milk! So we go to Starbucks! And we get a coffee! But it's not the same thing! IT SUCKS! WHY DID I ORDER THIS!? IT'S TERRIBLE! And now you all understand what our mission is. And what. We. Must. Do.
— Lelouch/One, Code MENT
Kiritsugu: Just goes to show you, life's a crazy bag of marbles.
Shirou: Marbles?
Kiritsugu: One big crazy bag of marbles. Blue marbles. Red marbles. Half transparent marbles with a fun swirl in them. Some marbles are even more interesting. Some marbles you think are going to be limited edition with king designs, but then they're the equally limited but much more surprising female king marble. Some argue that's debatably rarer. I argue that's anxiety inducing. Some like to abduct smaller marbles, then you gotta shoot that marble 'cause it's marble buddy brought a really big black tentacle marble. Marbles sure are random. Especially when you force them into wheelchairs, hold other marbles for ransom, forge a magical pact with a marble that forces you to watch as they grovel in pain on the ground, begging for the sweet release of marble death. But you can't. Because you signed a magical marble pact. And you can only watch as its last marble breath escapes its marble lips.
Shirou (confused): Dad... did marbles hurt you?
Kiritsugu: No kiddo, I hurt me. I also hurt marbles. I feel worse about the marbles.
Shirou: Marbles?
Kiritsugu: One big crazy bag of marbles. Blue marbles. Red marbles. Half transparent marbles with a fun swirl in them. Some marbles are even more interesting. Some marbles you think are going to be limited edition with king designs, but then they're the equally limited but much more surprising female king marble. Some argue that's debatably rarer. I argue that's anxiety inducing. Some like to abduct smaller marbles, then you gotta shoot that marble 'cause it's marble buddy brought a really big black tentacle marble. Marbles sure are random. Especially when you force them into wheelchairs, hold other marbles for ransom, forge a magical pact with a marble that forces you to watch as they grovel in pain on the ground, begging for the sweet release of marble death. But you can't. Because you signed a magical marble pact. And you can only watch as its last marble breath escapes its marble lips.
Shirou (confused): Dad... did marbles hurt you?
Kiritsugu: No kiddo, I hurt me. I also hurt marbles. I feel worse about the marbles.
Dear Chief Replacement,
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
That's right.
I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.
Follow me @theCrimsonFuckr!
Sincerely,
Alucard
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
That's right.
I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.
Follow me @theCrimsonFuckr!
Sincerely,
Alucard
— A letter to The Pope, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
I WOULD LIKE TO REMARK ON A HUMAN EXPRESSION, "When Life Gives You Lemons..., MAKE LEMONADE." FUCK LEMONS. I WILL THROW THE OFFENDING CITRUS BACK AND HOPE IT STINGS INFURIATINGLY IN LIFE'S GROTESQUE GLANCE NUGGETS. HOWEVER, I AM UP TO MY NOOK IN LEMONS AND I HAVE SO MANY LEMONS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. I KNOW WHAT'S IN LEMONADE ASIDE FROM FRUIT, IT CONTAINS WATER AND SUGAR. LIFE DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY WATER AND CERTAINLY NO SUGAR. MY LEMONADE IS GOING TO FUCKING SUCK.
— Karkat Vantas, Capslocked Soliloquy
, A Homestuck fanfiction
, A Homestuck fanfictionIt still hurt, there was no doubt about that. Being shoved aside from what had been a good thing in and of itself, their moirallegiance... it would have been a painful blow even if he hadn't been feeling so flushed for her. But what was that saying, if you pity someone, set them free and hatefuck the guy they left you for? Yeah, something along those lines.
— His Princess, a Homestuck fanfic
, a Homestuck fanficI mean, I'm obviously going to inevitably write myself into the story later, and it's going to be incredibly fucking self-indulgent. I'm going to be handing out indulgences like a sixteenth-century Catholic clergyman. Except I'll be handing them all to myself. Indulging myself all over the damn place. Martin Luther's going to have to come over here himself and bust my popish ass for it. I guess what I'm saying, Jane, is that I'm directly responsible for the Protestant Reformation.
— Detective Pony, a Homestuck fanfic
, a Homestuck fanficFrom the ashes sprouted a powerful friendship, and in time, Kirito found that he could almost tolerate them, much like how a fat man tolerates the tapeworms in his intestines. And like those tapeworms, that guild burrowed deep into his innards, and gorged themselves on his leftovers, until they began causing abdominal pain and diarrhea. I realize the metaphor's breaking down a bit here, but Granny Dapper didn't raise no quitters!
Playing card games is just like making love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games.
— Grandpa, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
High Septon: The blessings of the Seven fall upon us fortunate mortals from above like rain upon the earth. And like the rain, should these blessings fall on fertile soil, they sprout and bring forth good things to nurture the faithful children of the Seven.
Cersei: [thinking] Rain does not sprout, you imbecile.
High Septon: (later in the same sermon) And thus we see that the blessings of the Seven are like unto gold, imperishable, and greatly valued, but greater than gold, for they are of the spirit, and gold is of the body, yet also... yet also beyond gold. Because... they surpass it in... many ways.
Cersei: [thinking] Rain does not sprout, you imbecile.
High Septon: (later in the same sermon) And thus we see that the blessings of the Seven are like unto gold, imperishable, and greatly valued, but greater than gold, for they are of the spirit, and gold is of the body, yet also... yet also beyond gold. Because... they surpass it in... many ways.
Today has been a saltshaker of horrors — and you're the salt!
Film — Live-Action
Bob: I dunno about this, George... I don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George: Don't worry, Bob! It's just like working in a fish market, except you don't have to clean or gut fish all day.
George: Don't worry, Bob! It's just like working in a fish market, except you don't have to clean or gut fish all day.
— UHF
As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. In... there's an "I" in meat pie. So - The anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he's talking about.
— Shaun, Shaun of the Dead
Literature
The Avalon state Bank Tower, in addition to stretching seventy-six stories into the sky, also extended four stories down into the ground, nestling itself into a sliced-out pocket in the bedrock of Manhattan Island. The bottom two floors were all machinery and metal ladders, like the bowels of a great ocean-going passenger liner—which in many ways is what a skyscraper is, massive and self-contained and compartmented, except that the skyscraper is always moored in the same place, and of course it's standing on end, and come to think of it skyscrapers don't float, and maybe they aren't anything like each other at all. Forget the whole thing.
His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.
Inej: No matter the height of the mountain, the climbing is the same.
Nina: That's not technically true. You need ropes, picks...
Nina: That's not technically true. You need ropes, picks...
Sophie: And he can't fool us if we're on to the game, right?
Biana: Unless there's more than one game.
Sophie: So we take the player off the field, or... I'm losing track of this metaphor.
Biana: Unless there's more than one game.
Sophie: So we take the player off the field, or... I'm losing track of this metaphor.
— Keeper of the Lost Cities, Nightfall
Live-Action TV
That's right, folks. This election has no room for margin of error or correct use of metaphors. It's banana-up-for-grabs!
— Stephen Colbert, on mainstream news outlets using the term "razor-tight" to describe the 2012 US Presidential election, The Colbert Report
River: A needle in a haystack.
The Doctor: A needle that looks like hay. A hay-like needle of death. A hay-like needle of death in a haystack... of statues. No, yours was fine.
The Doctor: A needle that looks like hay. A hay-like needle of death. A hay-like needle of death in a haystack... of statues. No, yours was fine.
— Doctor Who, "The Time of Angels"
You see, Clara, they're stored in the paintings in the Undergallery. Like Cup-A-Soups! Except you add time, if you can picture that. Nobody can picture that. Forget I said Cup-A-Soups.
— The Doctor, Doctor Who, "The Day of the Doctor"
Newspaper Comics
But remember, it's always the darkest before the undead feast upon your flesh.
— Dilbert
Puppet Shows
Elevator Speaker: Try to imagine all your thoughts are squeezed inside a cube… and the cube is in a garden… but the garden isn't real… and the cube is made of nothing. Now let's imagine we're in a library, and there's loads and loads of books, and they all represent the cube… and the cube… is actually you!
Duck: What? Stop it! I'm not a cube! Turn it off!
Duck: What? Stop it! I'm not a cube! Turn it off!
Theatre
The Irish fear nothing and no one
They keep fightin' till everyone's dead!
...I'm not sure where this metaphor's goin'
I just felt like it had to be said!
They keep fightin' till everyone's dead!
...I'm not sure where this metaphor's goin'
I just felt like it had to be said!
— Paulette, "Ireland," Legally Blonde
Someday I'll meet someone
Whose heart joins with mine
Aortas and arteries all intertwined
They'll beat so much stronger
Than they could apart
Eight chambers of muscle to hustle
The love in our heart
Whose heart joins with mine
Aortas and arteries all intertwined
They'll beat so much stronger
Than they could apart
Eight chambers of muscle to hustle
The love in our heart
— Bobby Strong, Urinetown
Video Games
"It usually comes to you in the night. Like a lover, or a burglar. You either get it, or it steals all your jewelry and you have to run it down and stab it in the heart. And... that metaphor got away from me, didn't it?"
— Isabella, Dragon Age II
Viridi: I always forget how big clubs are.
Pit: But they're not as heavy as they look!
Viridi: Bigger isn't always better, you know.
Pit: Small things please small minds!
Viridi: The best things come in small packages.
Pit: So do small potatoes!
Viridi: Great oaks from little acorns grow!
Pit: Talk softly and carry a big stick!
Viridi: The bigger they are, the harder they fall!
Pit: I'm... large and in charge?
Viridi: You're too big for your britches!
Pit: A bird in the hand will keep the doctor away?
Viridi: What?
Pit: The squeaky wheel gets the worm.
Viridi: Nope. Stop.
Pit: But they're not as heavy as they look!
Viridi: Bigger isn't always better, you know.
Pit: Small things please small minds!
Viridi: The best things come in small packages.
Pit: So do small potatoes!
Viridi: Great oaks from little acorns grow!
Pit: Talk softly and carry a big stick!
Viridi: The bigger they are, the harder they fall!
Pit: I'm... large and in charge?
Viridi: You're too big for your britches!
Pit: A bird in the hand will keep the doctor away?
Viridi: What?
Pit: The squeaky wheel gets the worm.
Viridi: Nope. Stop.
— Kid Icarus: Uprising, Chapter 19: "The Lightning Chariot"
"Once upon a time there was a scorpion and a frog. The scorpion tells the frog "When I say 'jump' I don’t want to hear 'how high?' That means you're not jumping!" Then the frog says "It's my nature!" Well, be that as it may, we have a lot of tests to do and you are taking a long time on these catwalks and, yes, I broke out of the parable somewhere back there. But the point stands that you need to put some muscle back into your hustle, son."
— Cave Johnson, Portal 2
"Well... good! Good! Finally! A nemesis worthy of my vast intellect! Holmes vs. Moriarty! ...Aristotle vs. MASHY SPIKE-PLATE!"
— Wheatley, Portal 2
"The puppet master! You're a puppet in a play, and I hold all the strings! And cards, still. Cards in one hand, strings in the other. And I'm making you dance like a puppet. Playing cards."
— Wheatley, Portal 2
McElroy: Fucker keeps stealin' victors, man. Steals 'em and crashes 'em. That shit ain't cool, man.
Soldier: Yeah? Well what're you gonna do to stop him?
McElroy: Fuckin' let him try it, man. I'll shove a SAW up his ass so far it'll... he'll have to... I'll shove it REALLY far up there man!
Soldier: Yeah? Well what're you gonna do to stop him?
McElroy: Fuckin' let him try it, man. I'll shove a SAW up his ass so far it'll... he'll have to... I'll shove it REALLY far up there man!
Web Animation
"War is just like chess. You make your move, then wait politely for the enemy to make his. Then war support dries up at home and all your freaking pawns dodge the draft!"
— General,Terrible Writing Advice, “Military Science Fiction”
Webcomics
I'm not like some video game that you can just play with. You can't button mash and fiddle with my analog and not expect to get a reaction. A Special Move type of reaction, baby. A console is worthless without games to play on it. That's how I feel about us. I'm a game system and you're my Halo. And... my feelings for you are like... a memory card... And I no longer have any clue whatsoever what I'm talking about.
— Ethan, Ctrl+Alt+Del, "Spilled"
Man, I'd like to take her out to dinner. And by take her out to dinner I mean dunk the donut. And by dunk the donut I mean have sex with her. And by have sex with her I mean use my penis on her. And by penis I mean staple remover. And by staple I mean virginity.
Matt: Those that live in glass houses-
Devin: Probably should invest in actual houses.
Devin: Probably should invest in actual houses.
— An exchange during one of Luigifan18 and pommyman's roleplays, White Dark Life
during one of Luigifan18 and pommyman's roleplays, White Dark LifeYou seem bent on spending your last moments in this world with your thumbs jammed into the thumbscrews of guilt, and turning them as hard as you can... which is impossible, I realize... but that analogy had a lot more promise when I started this sentence, and it seemed likely to end with a witty bon mot about screwing yourself. That didn't work out, did it? Nothing has, today.
— Prince Tramennis, Erfworld
Lutark: Do you know how painful it is to watch you guys not to be with eachother?
Lutark: It's like eating macaroni without the cheese.
Lutark: So you end up with some sad bowl of mac and nothing and you're there wishing
Lutark: 'Damn, this mac looks so sad, it needs some cheese'.
Rodard: Pardon, am I the pasta in this metaphor or am I the cheese?
Lutark: Well, I dunno, dude, you're both looking like p sad noodles either way.
Rodard: Oh.
Lutark: It's like eating macaroni without the cheese.
Lutark: So you end up with some sad bowl of mac and nothing and you're there wishing
Lutark: 'Damn, this mac looks so sad, it needs some cheese'.
Rodard: Pardon, am I the pasta in this metaphor or am I the cheese?
Lutark: Well, I dunno, dude, you're both looking like p sad noodles either way.
Rodard: Oh.
— Hackbent
Karkat: WE WILL GET OFF ON A FRESH FOOT, AND BY FRESH I MEAN MOST FOUL INDEED.
Karkat: ITS TOES ARE WIGGLING UNDER YOUR HIDEOUS PINK NOSTRILS. NOW BREATHE DEEP YOUR MISFORTUNE, YOU SAD LITTLE CLOWN.
Karkat: THIS IS THE END OF YOU. THAT AROMA YOU DETECT WAFTS FROM THE BOUQUET PERCHED ON YOUR CORPSE BOX.
Karkat: NOBODY CRIES, EXCEPT YOUR SHITTY GHOST. HEAVY SOBS FROM A SPECTER OF UNQUALIFIED FAILURE.
Karkat: IT IS A SYMPHONY TO MY ANGRY EARS.
John: so... the smell is from a foot... but also from funeral flowers?
John: this metaphor is confusing.
Karkat: STFU
Karkat: I'M ONLY GETTING STARTED.
Karkat: ITS TOES ARE WIGGLING UNDER YOUR HIDEOUS PINK NOSTRILS. NOW BREATHE DEEP YOUR MISFORTUNE, YOU SAD LITTLE CLOWN.
Karkat: THIS IS THE END OF YOU. THAT AROMA YOU DETECT WAFTS FROM THE BOUQUET PERCHED ON YOUR CORPSE BOX.
Karkat: NOBODY CRIES, EXCEPT YOUR SHITTY GHOST. HEAVY SOBS FROM A SPECTER OF UNQUALIFIED FAILURE.
Karkat: IT IS A SYMPHONY TO MY ANGRY EARS.
John: so... the smell is from a foot... but also from funeral flowers?
John: this metaphor is confusing.
Karkat: STFU
Karkat: I'M ONLY GETTING STARTED.
John: don't you see, jade? he's antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he's done with you, remember?
John: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures.
Jade: what pastures
John: it's me.
John: I'M the pastures.
John: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh.
Jade: what
Jade: wasnt i supposed to be the mule?
Jade: i dont think i understand your analogy
John: no, you see, it's...
John: the mule represented, like...
John: i don't know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something.
John: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures.
Jade: what pastures
John: it's me.
John: I'M the pastures.
John: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh.
Jade: what
Jade: wasnt i supposed to be the mule?
Jade: i dont think i understand your analogy
John: no, you see, it's...
John: the mule represented, like...
John: i don't know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something.
That's what you do when life hands you lemons. You sure as fuck don't make lemonade because who the fuck knows where that fuckin' shit comes from? It's squeezed out of miracles is where.
As you were saying. So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It is a web full of flaming irons and mixed metaphors.
Yay: You are, to employ a confectionery metaphor, a big marshmallow.
Elliot: Haha. Thanks Yay. You're a good egg.
Yay: Ha ha ha! Oh, we most certainly are not. Ours is the sort of egg one might find attached to a paralyzed caterpillar, waiting to hatch and slowly devour it.
Elliot: Well I'm sure you'll grow up into a very shiny parasitic wasp.
Elliot: Haha. Thanks Yay. You're a good egg.
Yay: Ha ha ha! Oh, we most certainly are not. Ours is the sort of egg one might find attached to a paralyzed caterpillar, waiting to hatch and slowly devour it.
Elliot: Well I'm sure you'll grow up into a very shiny parasitic wasp.
Web Original
Heroin isn't dangerous because you might get an infection. Heroin is dangerous because at best you're not just at Death's door - you're in Death's living room having a Mario Kart tournament at 2 a.m. and hoping he doesn't wake up, but you're not paying very close attention to the volume, because you're high on heroin.
Hero: It's nice having things to fight that don't shoot me back for a change.
Golden: Sure makes them easy to kill.
Booya: It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Except instead of a gun you're using dynamite. And the fish aren't particularly smart either. With a bad sense of pattern recognition. And the dynamite has some sort of fish-seeking technology.
Golden and Hero: ...
Golden: Sure makes them easy to kill.
Booya: It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Except instead of a gun you're using dynamite. And the fish aren't particularly smart either. With a bad sense of pattern recognition. And the dynamite has some sort of fish-seeking technology.
Golden and Hero: ...
— Jade Star's Let's Play: UFO: Aftermath
Black: All this talk about paths. What is life, the yellow brick road? You follow it to find the answer to all your problems? That worked out so well for Dorothy.
Green: She got home.
Black: Not because of the yellow brick road. She got home because she took matters into her own hands. If she hadn't killed the Wicked Witch would she have ever gotten back to Kansas?
Green: She got home because the power to do so was always within her.
Blue: I'm pretty sure it was the ruby slippers, which interestingly in the original book by Frank L. Baum, were silver slippers. You see, they represented the silver standard in contrast to the gold standard symbolized by the yellow brick road. It turns out the book was an allegory for a late nineteenth-century debate regarding monetary policy.
Black: Blue!
Blue: Sorry.
Green: She got home.
Black: Not because of the yellow brick road. She got home because she took matters into her own hands. If she hadn't killed the Wicked Witch would she have ever gotten back to Kansas?
Green: She got home because the power to do so was always within her.
Blue: I'm pretty sure it was the ruby slippers, which interestingly in the original book by Frank L. Baum, were silver slippers. You see, they represented the silver standard in contrast to the gold standard symbolized by the yellow brick road. It turns out the book was an allegory for a late nineteenth-century debate regarding monetary policy.
Black: Blue!
Blue: Sorry.
Spike, for his part, just says a bunch of really callous and hurtful stuff as if he's not just trying to burn his bridges, but also sow the river with salt so that no bridge will ever grow there again, and I think that I lost track of this metaphor somewhere along the way, but you get the picture.
Sometimes, to make an Omelet, you're going to have to break a few eggs. Lots of eggs, in fact. Because Communism is the Mother of All Omelets. It's the People's Omelet. And to make such an Omelet, you're going to have to use blood in place of Butter. Lots of blood. Rivers upon rivers of blood. Blood and skulls. Just endless death, really.
Web Video
It's curtains for you, Doctor Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.
— Captain Hammer, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
I need to talk to you about these snail trails. They're random, right? But are they? Are they? I mean, look at it! This isn't like where you type the word "monkey" a million times and then it's...uh...You take a typewriter, and you put a monkey on it-in it... No, there's a lot of typewriters, alright? And there's a lot of monkeys...And they're all drawing d[BLEEP]cks in the sand.
— True Facts, "Killer Surfing Snails"
Stu: Here's my latest sample; like to show you how to use it
First, you pull the curtain while I spread some here
This stuff'll get the stain out if you use it loosely wadded
This here'll take the pain out and won't mess your hair
Todd: I think this was supposed to be an innuendo, and then he just forgot what he was doing.
First, you pull the curtain while I spread some here
This stuff'll get the stain out if you use it loosely wadded
This here'll take the pain out and won't mess your hair
Todd: I think this was supposed to be an innuendo, and then he just forgot what he was doing.
— Todd in the Shadows on "Door to Door" by Creedence Clearwater Revival
We are the Dark Knights for Justice. Because as children we were nursed on the milk of Justice, and as we grew up we acquired a taste for Justice. Now as we get older we once again desire the taste of Justice. But we cannot find the milk! So we go to Starbucks! And we get a coffee! But it's not the same thing! IT SUCKS! WHY DID I ORDER THIS!? IT'S TERRIBLE! And now you all understand what our mission is, and what. We. Must. Do.
— Lelouch/One, Code Ment
maybe in a sense, the Caramella Girls are the modern incarnation of Caramell. they've just been Ship-of-Theseused into a lineup that no longer has any of their original members. except it's not really like the Ship of Theseus. it's more like if you were to disassemble a ship one piece at a time, but instead of replacing those parts as you take them out, the ship is just left without those parts, and eventually, the ship is completely gone. but then a few years later, a song created by the Ship of Theseus becomes a big meme in Japan, and in response, the guy who owns the rights to the Ship of Theseus, who is not Theseus, decides to make a new ship, the Thesea Girls, in order to appeal to this demographic that enjoys works made by this old ship that no longer exists.
Sarge: You know that feeling you get when you see a pretty girl on the first day of school? You're not quite sure what to do, but your instincts just take over, and you smile at her. And she smiles back. And suddenly the world is a brand new place! And your stomach is all full of twists and twirls!
Doc: Um... yeah?
Sarge: Well boys, I got that feeling right now!
Grif: H-holy shit.
Sarge: Except imagine that pretty girl in school is armor-plated with a titanium polyalloy, and outfitted with fifty-millimeter cannons and ammo for days!
Doc: She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
Grif: She sounds like I'd need a safe word to date her.
Sarge: Oh yeah.
Doc: So how do we get it out of the ship?
Grif: Ah, teleportation cubes, anyone?
Sarge: No! A girl this fine's gotta be treated right! Oiled-up and whatnot. We'll take her apart, and move her ourselves. Limb by limb. Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.
Doc: Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory, Sarge.
[...]
Sarge: Let's just dismember this beautiful lady, pack her up, and take her back to our lair. I mean base.
Grif: Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.
Sarge: Not as weird as the throbbing erection she's giving me.
Grif: Jesus Christ.
Doc: Um... yeah?
Sarge: Well boys, I got that feeling right now!
Grif: H-holy shit.
Sarge: Except imagine that pretty girl in school is armor-plated with a titanium polyalloy, and outfitted with fifty-millimeter cannons and ammo for days!
Doc: She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
Grif: She sounds like I'd need a safe word to date her.
Sarge: Oh yeah.
Doc: So how do we get it out of the ship?
Grif: Ah, teleportation cubes, anyone?
Sarge: No! A girl this fine's gotta be treated right! Oiled-up and whatnot. We'll take her apart, and move her ourselves. Limb by limb. Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.
Doc: Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory, Sarge.
[...]
Sarge: Let's just dismember this beautiful lady, pack her up, and take her back to our lair. I mean base.
Grif: Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.
Sarge: Not as weird as the throbbing erection she's giving me.
Grif: Jesus Christ.
You know, people say you should just play the hand you've been dealt in life. You know what? Fuck that. I say that if you get a dealt a bad hand, you throw out your cards, flip the table, pull a gun on the dealer and start shooting... life, I guess.
Confidence comes from experience, you can't just be confident with things that you've never done before, I don't feel confident when I call phone numbers that I've never called before because I don't know who's gonna pick up the phone. You know imagine this, where I just go pick up the phone I'm calling somebody I need to inquire about some form of insurance and I pick up the phone and I say "Hello, who is this? I don't know who I'm calling" and they respond (in a deep and scratchy voice) "Hello, I am just a lonely farmer." I don't know what just happened I am really uncomfortable with this situation because I have never heard anybody introduce themselves like that, EVER. I don't know what to do, and that's the same thing with demo-knighting or whatever; if you're not familiar with your demo-knight situations you aren't going to be confident about them 'cause I know for sure if somebody answered the phone like that I would... I'd probably hang up. I would be very scared after that. I would feel bad about hanging up, but I would do it just because of how uncomfortable or unprepared for the situation I was and you know hanging up probably was a bad idea because he is a lonely farmer and he just wanted someone to talk with and he has a little bit of a voice problem - so not the nicest thing for me to do there, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready - can't blame me, I wasn't ready. But, the very next time I answered a phone and somebody responded in that sort of fashion I would be ready because I would have had thought about that introduction from that one person a million times over where if it happened again I would have a speech prepared for that man. Everything would go smoothly and that experience would allow me to make a new friend. A very weird one that I might not wanna keep around for that long, but this has been going on way too long. This example died two minutes ago. We're moving on.
Amanda Waller: I am Amanda Waller, and you can think of me as your fairy godmother from Hell. Only, I won't be grant any wishes no bibidi bobidi boo or any of that shbang. But rather makes each and everyone of you my bitch!
Black Spider: ... I am not really following the metaphor here...
Black Spider: ... I am not really following the metaphor here...
I didn't want to but I figured it was worth giving the game a go, even if I will hate it. I mean, Pope Urban probably thought he was very clever in condemning Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? ...Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and disgrace, but what I'm saying is that I'm basically the Pope.
— Yahtzee, Zero Punctuation
A good story is like a good bowel movement: it's only really satisfying once it's ended. Because if you just keep going, then eventually your body runs out of shit and moves on to pushing all of your internal organs out of your sphincter, until only a foul-smelling shell remains, and anyone who wants to get in on your incredibly long poo gets turned off, because they need to have gone through all of the poo up to that point to have the necessary context and this is where the analogy is breaking down somewhat.
What do you take me for, some kind of clown? Some kind of Booboo the Fool that ain't done this rodeo before? I don't really know where this metaphor is going, but I do know where we're going, buddy; you're going HOME! You think you can just come in here, give me thousands of dollars and just drive me around like this in the roundabout with nary a parking lot in sight?! ...Boy, I do like my metaphors today, but that's not the point!
— Dr. Green Z. Hill, Real Time Fan Dub, "Until Dawn - Part 1"
Now, I kind of thought inclusion and belonging were pretty much the same thing, but these acronyms have a way of growing by themselves and getting real dumb. Gay folks, I think we can agree, in hindsight, adding letters was a mistake. LGB was doing just fine, but then you let the T in, then the Q showed up, before you know it, I, A, 2, S and + join the party, it's a total mess, your toilet's clogged, nobody brought snacks or drinks, and guess who's gonna be the one cleaning up in the morning!
— Greg Owen, "No One Cares About Your Pronouns"
" Western Animation
Darwin: Yeah... it sounds like the sea, but more purple.
Gumball: What? No.
Darwin: You're right, it's more like the sound of Christmas, but like, in the desert.
Gumball: What does that even mean?!
Darwin: Yeah, it's more like the sound of a cellphone (wry smile) grabbing onto an ice cream cake.
Gumball: What? No.
Darwin: You're right, it's more like the sound of Christmas, but like, in the desert.
Gumball: What does that even mean?!
Darwin: Yeah, it's more like the sound of a cellphone (wry smile) grabbing onto an ice cream cake.
— The Amazing World of Gumball, "The Advice"
Rath: Let me tell you something, Manny Armstrong! You want a piece of Rath? You got a piece! But you just bit off a piece bigger than your stomach can chew!
Manny: That made no sense.
Rath: (beat) I KNOW!
Manny: That made no sense.
Rath: (beat) I KNOW!
"Ninjas do wrong to each other sometimes, and in that way, the force of the earth comes around the moon, and at that presence, the dirt, it overshadows the grass, so you like "I can't cut this grass; there's no sun coming through." So in order to enable each other, the two fruits have to look each other in the eye, understand we can only be ripe as the ripe is wrong. You know what I mean?"
— Head Ninja In Charge, Black Dynamite
"An elephant never forgets, but I forget what the elephant remembered."
— Ed, Ed, Edd n Eddy
"Sure, I can help you, but we might have to metaphorically make a Deal with the Devil. And by 'devil', I mean 'Robot Devil'. And by 'metaphorically', I mean 'get your coat'."
— Bender, Futurama
"If we can hit the bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."
— Zapp Brannigan, Futurama
"Well, like they say in Brooklyn: early to bed, early to catch the worm! Or... is it the bagel?"
— "Mama" Luigi, Super Mario World, "Mama Luigi"
"It appears that the glove... is on the other shoe?"
— Boone, Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero, "Cereal Criminals"
Mung: Chowder, life is like food, and sometimes we bite off more life than we can chew. Next thing you know, you're barfing life all over the place! The beds, the walls, the priceless carpet, and who do you think has to clean up all that life?
Chowder: Schnitzel?
Mung: That's right.
Shnitzel: (offscreen) Aw, radda!
Mung: Yes, life can be a real mess, so keep a bucket nearby.
Chowder: I'm... going to bed now.
Mung: Yes, go to bed, Chowder... I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THAT BUCKET!
Chowder: Schnitzel?
Mung: That's right.
Shnitzel: (offscreen) Aw, radda!
Mung: Yes, life can be a real mess, so keep a bucket nearby.
Chowder: I'm... going to bed now.
Mung: Yes, go to bed, Chowder... I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THAT BUCKET!
— Chowder, "The Thrice Cream Man"
Daffy Duck: Unbelievable! Fired for sleeping on the job! What's next? You can't breathe on the job, either? What do they think I am, a robot?! Do I look like a robot?! Am I made of metal? Do I make robot noises and blink my robot lights?! Do I eat nuts and bolts for breakfast? No! I eat a breakfast burrito every day! Name one robot that eats a breakfast burrito every day. You can't! And do you know why you can't?! Because robots don't have souls! Now... can someone please tell me what I was talking about?
Bugs Bunny: I don't know. I stopped listening after "robots eat breakfast burritos".
Bugs Bunny: I don't know. I stopped listening after "robots eat breakfast burritos".
Real Life
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
— Bill Connolly
[Airships] put me in mind of a man who invents a floor that is perfectly smooth, beautifully patterned, never requires cleaning, and never wears out. Unfortunately, the floor cannot be walked upon with nailed shoes or have anything dropped on it, because it's made of high explosive.
Whatever it is [that makes Communists such killjoys], it makes for the kind of person who, when he was a kid, used to do next Tuesday's work on last Friday night, if you know what I mean. Lots of times he used to be a minister's son, which isn't a Communist, exactly, but usually was a Presbyterian, which is not as bad, but still stinks. Well, what you did to the minister's kid was tie him to a fence post with his pants off and dip his pecker in fresh cream and turn a half-weaned calf loose on him. Which is exactly what we ought to do to all the Communists in the world, except with atom bombs.
— P.J. O'Rourke, "The Problem with Communism" from Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
To me, the difference between Godhead and the Church is the difference between Elvis and Colonel Parker... although that conjures images of God dying on the toilet, which is not what I meant at all.
— Alan Moore, Correspondence: From Hell
