%%If someone knows the source for this, please place it in the proper folder.
%%->'''THJ:'''"''For you see, The Bible does hold metaphors to be a dreadful abomination. They are described in Leviticus 15:22 as a dark plague-cloud over the sky of justice. Metaphors are a burglar hiding in the shadows, a tiger crouching in the bush. They are a communicable disease, if you will, one that atrophies both mind and body irreversibly, and we must wash our hands clean of them before we are infected with their poisons.''
%%->'''LH:'''"''I am so confused.''"
%%-->-- '''Waldfields Zine'''

[[folder:Anime and Manga]]

->The real saying is "If the wind blows, the bucket maker has good sales." Which means that sneezing is proof of you being cursed by someone. In order to get rid of that curse, you need to obtain a straw doll. Additionally, you need long nails, which in turn leads to a lot of business for nail makers, causing a supply shortage. As a result, construction of houses becomes almost impossible, and everybody has to live in pit-like dwellings. That in turn leads to less wood being used, and less forests being cut down. Because the forests are being protected, the [=CO2=] levels are reduced, and everybody is happy because of an environmentally responsible lifestyle.
-->-- '''Yuuki''', ''Manga/{{Kanamemo}}''


[[folder:Fan Fiction]]

-->-- '''Karkat Vantas,''' ''[[http://archiveofourown.org/works/878163?view_full_work=true Capslocked Soliloquy]],'' A ''Webcomic/{{Homestuck}}'' fanfiction

->It still hurt, there was no doubt about that. Being shoved aside from what had been a good thing in and of itself, their moirallegiance... it would have been a painful blow even if he hadn't been feeling so flushed for her. But what was that saying, if you pity someone, set them free and hatefuck the guy they left you for? Yeah, something along those lines.
-->-- ''[[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7666029/1/His-Princess His Princess]]'', a ''Webcomic/{{Homestuck}}'' fanfic

->I mean, I'm obviously going to inevitably write myself into the story later, and it's going to be incredibly fucking self-indulgent. I'm going to be handing out indulgences like a sixteenth-century Catholic clergyman. Except Iíll be handing them all to myself. Indulging myself all over the damn place. Martin Luther's going to have to come over here himself and bust my popish ass for it. I guess what I'm saying, Jane, is that I'm directly responsible for the Protestant Reformation.
-->-- ''[[http://archiveofourown.org/works/2427119 Detective Pony]]'', a ''Webcomic/{{Homestuck}}'' fanfic


[[folder:Film - Live-Action]]

->'''Bob:''' I dunno about this, George... I don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.\\
'''George:''' Don't worry, Bob! It's just like working in a fish market, except you don't have to clean or gut fish all day.
-->-- ''Film/{{UHF}}''



->His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.
-->-- ''Discworld/NightWatch''


[[folder:Live-Action TV]]

->That's right, folks. This election has no room for margin of error or correct use of metaphors. It's banana-up-for-grabs!
-->-- '''Creator/StephenColbert''', on mainstream news outlets using the term "razor-tight" to describe the 2012 US Presidential election, ''Series/TheColbertReport''


[[folder:Newspaper Comics]]

->But remember, it's always the darkest before the undead feast upon your flesh.
-->-- '''ComicStrip/{{Dilbert}}'''



->Someday I'll meet someone\\
Whose heart joins with mine\\
Aortas and arteries all intertwined\\
They'll beat so much stronger\\
Than they could apart\\
Eight chambers of muscle to hustle\\
The love in our heart
-->-- '''Bobby Strong''', ''Theatre/{{Urinetown}}''


[[folder:Video Games]]

->It usually comes to you in the night. Like a lover, or a burglar. You either get it, or it steals all your jewelry and you have to run it down and stab it in the heart. And... that metaphor got away from me, didn't it?
-->-- '''Isabella''', ''VideoGame/DragonAgeII''

->Once upon a time there was [[TheFarmerAndTheViper a scorpion and a frog]]. The scorpion tells the frog "When I say 'jump' I donít want to hear 'how high?' That means you're not jumping!" Then the frog says "It's my nature!" Well, be that as it may, we have a lot of tests to do and you are taking a long time on these catwalks and, yes, I broke out of the parable somewhere back there. But the point stands that you need to put some muscle back into your hustle, son.
-->-- '''Cave Johnson''', ''VideoGame/{{Portal 2}}''

->Well... good! Good! Finally! A nemesis worthy of my ''[[FeigningIntelligence vast]]'' intellect! [[SherlockHolmes Holmes vs. Moriarty!]] ...Creator/{{Aristotle}} vs. ''[[BuffySpeak MASHY SPIKE-PLATE!]]''
-->-- '''Wheatley''', ''VideoGame/{{Portal 2}}''



->I'm not like some video game that you can just play with. You can't button mash and fiddle with my analog and not expect to get a reaction. A Special Move type of reaction, baby. A console is worthless without games to play on it. That's how I feel about us. I'm a game system and you're my ''Franchise/{{Halo}}''. And... my feelings for you are like... a memory card... And I no longer have any clue whatsoever what I'm talking about.
-->-- '''Ethan''', ''Webcomic/CtrlAltDel'', [[http://www.cad-comic.com/cad/20031222 "Spilled"]]

->Man, I'd like to take her out to dinner. And by take her out to dinner ''I mean dunk the donut''. And by dunk the donut ''I mean have sex with her''. And by have sex with her ''I mean use my penis on her''. And by penis ''I mean staple remover''. And by staple ''I mean virginity''.
-->-- ''Webcomic/CyanideAndHappiness'', [[http://www.explosm.net/comics/1333/ 7/5/08]]

->'''Matt:''' Those that live in glass houses-\\
'''[[{{Cloudcuckoolander}} Devin]]:''' Probably should invest in actual houses.
-->-- [[http://comments.deviantart.com/1/431481284/3404301503 An exchange]] during one of [=Luigifan18=] and pommyman's roleplays, ''WebComic/WhiteDarkLife''

->You seem bent on spending your last moments in this world with your thumbs jammed into the thumbscrews of guilt, and turning them as hard as you can... which is impossible, I realize... but that analogy had a lot more promise when I started this sentence, and it seemed likely to end with a witty bon mot about [[ScrewYourself screwing yourself]]. That didn't work out, did it? Nothing has, today.
-->-- '''Prince Tramennis''', ''Webcomic/{{Erfworld}}''

->'''John:''' don't you see, jade? he's antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he's done with you, remember?\\
'''John:''' he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures.\\
'''Jade:''' what pastures\\
'''John:''' it's me.\\
'''John:''' I'M the pastures.\\
'''John:''' and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh.\\
'''Jade:''' what\\
'''Jade:''' wasnt i supposed to be the mule?\\
'''Jade:''' i dont think i understand your analogy\\
'''John:''' no, you see, it's...\\
'''John:''' the mule represented, like...\\
'''John:''' i don't know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something.
-->-- ''Webcomic/{{Homestuck}}''


[[folder:Web Original]]

->It's curtains for you, Doctor Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.
-->-- '''Captain Hammer''', ''WebVideo/DoctorHorriblesSingAlongBlog''

->We are the Dark Knights for justice. Because as children we were nursed on the milk of justice, and as we grew up we acquired a taste for justice. Now as we get older we once again desire the taste of justice... but we cannot find the milk! So we go to Starbucks! And we get a coffee! But it's not the same thing! IT SUCKS! WHY DID I ORDER THIS!? IT'S TERRIBLE! And now you all understand what our mission is. And. What. We. Must. Do.
-->-- '''Lelouch[=/=]One''', ''WebVideo/CodeMENT''

->Heroin isn't dangerous because you might get an infection. Heroin is dangerous because at best you're not just at Death's door - you're in Death's living room having a ''VideoGame/MarioKart'' tournament at 2 a.m. and hoping he doesn't wake up, but you're not paying very close attention to the volume, because you're ''high on heroin.''
-->-- ''[[Website/{{Cracked}} Cracked.com]]'', [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21017_5-unexpected-things-i-learned-from-being-heroin-addict.html "5 Unexpected Things I Learned from Being a Heroin Addict"]]

->Dear Chief Replacement,\\\
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I send these letters, it is merely to instil as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.\\
That's right.\\
I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.\\
Follow me @theCrimsonFuckr!\\\
-->-- A letter to UsefulNotes/ThePope, ''WebVideo/HellsingUltimateAbridged''

->'''[[TheUnfettered Black]]''': All this talk about paths. What is life, [[Literature/TheWonderfulWizardOfOz the yellow brick road]]? You follow it to find the answer to all your problems? That worked out so well for Dorothy.\\
'''[[TheFatalist Green]]''': She got home.\\
'''Black''': Not because of the yellow brick road. She got home because she took matters into her own hands. If she hadn't killed the Wicked Witch would she have ever gotten back to Kansas?\\
'''Green''': She got home because the power to do so was always within her.\\
'''[[TheSmartGuy Blue]]''': I'm pretty sure it was the ruby slippers, which interestingly in the original book by Frank L. Baum, were silver slippers. You see, they represented the silver standard in contrast to the gold standard symbolized by the yellow brick road. It turns out the book was an allegory for a late nineteenth-century debate regarding monetary policy.\\
'''Black''': Blue!\\
'''Blue''': Sorry.
-->-- ''[[TabletopGame/MagicTheGathering Making Magic By Mark Rosewater]]'', [[http://magic.wizards.com/en/articles/archive/making-magic/whatever-it-takes-2015-02-02 "Whatever it Takes"]]

->[[Anime/CowboyBebop Spike]], for his part, just says a bunch of really callous and hurtful stuff as if he's not just trying to burn his bridges, but also sow the river with salt so that no bridge will ever grow there again, and I think that I lost track of this metaphor somewhere along the way, but you get the picture.
-->-- '''Jordan Stokes''', ''Anime/CowboyBebop'' [[http://www.overthinkingit.com/2010/02/01/overthinking-cowboy-bebop-sessions-11-14/2/ "Jupiter Jazz (Part 1)" recap]], [[http://www.overthinkingit.com/ Overthinking It]]

->'''Sarge:''' You know that feeling you get when you see a pretty girl on the first day of school? You're not quite sure what to do, but your instincts just take over, and you smile at her. And she smiles back. And suddenly the world is a brand new place! And your stomach is all full of twists and twirls!\\
'''Doc:''' Um... yeah?\\
'''Sarge:''' Well boys, I got that feeling right now!\\
'''Grif:''' ''H-holy shit.''\\
'''Sarge:''' [[{{Dissimile}} Except imagine that pretty girl in school]] [[MiniMecha is armor-plated with a titanium polyalloy, and outfitted with fifty millimeter cannons and ammo for days!]]\\
'''Doc:''' She sounds pretty high-maintenance.\\
'''Grif:''' She sounds like I'd need a {{safe word}} to date her.\\
'''Sarge:''' Oh ''yeah''.\\
'''Doc:''' So how do we get it out of the ship?\\
'''Grif:''' Ah, teleportation cubes, anyone?\\
'''Sarge:''' No! A girl this fine's gotta be treated right! Oiled-up and whatnot. We'll take her apart, and move her ourselves. Limb by limb. Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.\\
'''Doc:''' [[LampshadeHanging Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory, Sarge.]]\\
'''Sarge:''' Let's just dismember this beautiful lady, pack her up, and take her back to our lair. I mean base.\\
'''Grif:''' Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.\\
'''Sarge:''' [[StrangelyArousing Not as weird as the throbbing erection she's giving me.]]\\
'''Grif:''' ''[[TooMuchInformation Jesus Christ]]''.
-->-- '''Machinima/RedVsBlue''

->Confidence comes from experience, you can't just be confident with things that you've never done before, I don't feel confident when I call phone numbers that I've never called before because I don't know who's gonna pick up the phone. You know imagine this, where I just go pick up the phone I'm calling somebody I need to inquire about some form of insurance and I pick up the phone and I say "Hello, who is this? I don't know who I'm calling" and they respond (''in a deep and scratchy voice'') "Hello, I am just a lonely farmer." I don't know what just happened I am really uncomfortable with this situation because I have never heard anybody introduce themselves like that, EVER. I don't know what to do, and that's the same thing with demo-knighting or whatever; if you're not familiar with your demo-knight situations you aren't going to be confident about them 'cause I know for sure if somebody answered the phone like that I would... I'd probably hang up. I would be very scared after that. I would feel bad about hanging up, but I would do it just because of how uncomfortable or unprepared for the situation I was and you know hanging up probably was a bad idea because he is a lonely farmer and he just wanted someone to talk with and he has a little bit of a voice problem - so not the nicest thing for me to do there, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready - can't blame me, I wasn't ready. But, the very next time I answered a phone and somebody responded in that sort of fashion I would be ready because I would have had thought about that introduction from that one person a million times over where if it happened again I would have a speech prepared for that man. Everything would go smoothly and that experience would allow me to make a new friend. A very weird one that I might not wanna keep around for that long, but this has been going on way too long. This example died two minutes ago. We're moving on.
-->-- '''[[WebVideo/{{STAR}} STAR_]]''', [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYOGTfinWvM "Confidence: TF2 [Commentary] Demoknighting Lakeside"]]

->'''Amanda Waller''': I am Amanda Waller, and you can think of me as your fairy godmother from Hell. Only I won't be granting any wishes, [...] but rather makes each and everyone of you ''my bitch!''\\
'''Black Spider''': ... [[LampshadeHanging I am not really following the metaphor here]]...
-->-- ''ComicBook/SuicideSquad: [[WesternAnimation/BatmanAssaultOnArkham Assault on Arkham]] [[TheAbridgedSeries Abridged]]''

->Playing card games is {{just like making love}}. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games.
-->-- '''Grandpa''', ''WebVideo/YuGiOhTheAbridgedSeries''

->I didn't want to but I figured it was worth giving the game a go, even if I will hate it. I mean, Pope Urban probably thought he was very clever in condemning Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? ...Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and disgrace, but what I'm saying is that [[AnswersToTheNameOfGod I'm basically the Pope.]]
-->-- '''Yahtzee,''' ''WebOriginal/ZeroPunctuation''


[[folder:Western Animation]]

->'''Rath''': [[CatchPhrase Let me tell you something,]] [[FullNameUltimatum Manny Armstrong]]! You want a piece of Rath? You got a piece! But you just bit off a piece bigger than your stomach can chew!\\
'''Manny''': [[LampshadeHanging That made no sense.]]\\
'''Rath''': (''{{Beat}}'') [[BlatantLies I KNOW!]]

->Ninjas do wrong to each other sometimes, and in that way, the force of the earth comes around the moon, and at that presence, the dirt, it overshadows the grass, so you like "I can't cut this grass; there's no sun coming through." So in order to enable each other, the two fruits have to look each other in the eye, understand we can only be ripe as the ripe is wrong. You know what I mean?
-->-- '''Head Ninja In Charge''', ''WesternAnimation/BlackDynamite''

->Sure, I can help you, but we might have to metaphorically make a {{deal with the devil}}, and by "devil," I mean "[[SpaceX Robot Devil]]," and by "metaphorically," I mean [[UsefulNotes/NewJersey "get your coat."]]
-->-- '''Bender''', ''WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}}''

->If we can hit the bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. ''Checkmate.''
-->-- '''Zapp Brannigan''', ''WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}}''

->Like they say in Brooklyn: early to bed, early to catch the worm. [[MemeticMutation Or... is it the bagel?]]
-->-- '''"Mama" Luigi''', ''WesternAnimation/SuperMarioWorld''


[[folder:Real Life]]

->Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-->-- '''Bill Connolly'''

->Whatever it is ''[that makes Communists such killjoys]'', it makes for the kind of person who, when he was a kid, [[TeachersPet used to do next Tuesday's work on last Friday night]], if you know what I mean. Lots of times he used to be a minister's son, which isn't a Communist, exactly, but usually was a Presbyterian, which is not ''as'' bad, but still stinks. Well, what you did to the minister's kid was [[BlackComedyRape tie him to a fence post with his pants off and dip his pecker in fresh cream]] and [[BestialityIsDepraved turn a half-weaned calf loose on him]]. Which is exactly what we ought to do to [[DirtyCommunists all the Communists in the world]], [[NuclearOption except with atom bombs]].
-->-- '''P.J. O'Rourke''', "The Problem with Communism" from ''Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut''

->To me, the difference between Godhead and the Church is the difference between Elvis and Colonel Parker... although that conjures images of God dying on the toilet, which is not what I meant at all.
-->-- '''Creator/AlanMoore''', ''Correspondence: From Hell''

->He's [[ARiddleWrappedInAMysteryInsideAnEnigma an enigma wrapped in riddle wrapped a conundrum]] ... [[http://youtu.be/5EStqYWsH6A?t=36s inside a cockroach]].
-->-- '''Creator/JaredPadalecki''' on Creator/MarkSheppard (''Series/{{Supernatural}}'')