Blogs
Hey, it's my favorite Beetle Bailey running gag, The Halftracks Hate Each Other With An Awful Intensity That Makes The Lockhorns Look Like A Nicholas Sparks Novel! Like many awful things in the comics, I originally “liked” this ironically but have come over the years to respect its terrible purity.
It’s bad new for the General that the “Halftracks hate each other” bits seems to have fully detached from their usual scheduled weekend slot and are now just popping up on any old day... Anyway, today’s joke is that even sleep cannot free General Halftrack from the all-consuming psychic pain that his marriage causes him; only alcohol’s consciousness-obliterating powers can do that, and only briefly.
—The Comics Curmudgeon, "Til death (which can’t come soon enough) do we part"
Comic Books
Terrorist: Tell me, sir, how does it feel to know that every secret in your head will soon be utilized by your hated opposition? That your mind and body will be subjected to such intense torture that every second will feel like an hour and every minute like a full calendar year?
Nick Fury: Buddy, I think you have just described two of my three last marriages.
Comic Strips
Nate: So! Mrs. Czerwicki! You're a fan of romance novels!
Mrs. Czerwicki: I'll admit, they're a bit of a guilty pleasure...
Nate: And what does Mister Czerwicki think of your "guilty pleasure"?
Mrs. Czerwicki: Mister Czerwicki? Frankly, Nate, I don't think Mister Czerwicki cares very much what I read. Mister Czerwicki is too busy watching his precious FOOTBALL GAMES!
Nate: (thinking) Whoops.
Mrs. Czerwicki: I'll admit, they're a bit of a guilty pleasure...
Nate: And what does Mister Czerwicki think of your "guilty pleasure"?
Mrs. Czerwicki: Mister Czerwicki? Frankly, Nate, I don't think Mister Czerwicki cares very much what I read. Mister Czerwicki is too busy watching his precious FOOTBALL GAMES!
Nate: (thinking) Whoops.
Film — Animated
"If you were married... you'd be pushed around by your wife!"
—Dr. Facilier to Lawrence, The Princess and the Frog
Superman: It's the only world I know. I have family and friends and...
Allura: Someone special.
Superman: Drives me nuts sometimes.
Zor-El: Heh. Nice to know that's the same everywhere.
Allura: Someone special.
Superman: Drives me nuts sometimes.
Zor-El: Heh. Nice to know that's the same everywhere.
Film — Live-Action
Larry: You're married! Say something, kid!
Shemp: HELP! HELP!
Shemp: HELP! HELP!
— The Three Stooges, "Brideless Groom"
"You mustn't be too harsh on my secretaries. They were always very understanding when I came to the office after a hard day at home."
—Job, Mr. Skeffington
Miracle Max: Get back, witch!
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that any more.
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that any more.
"Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries."
— Wayne, Wayne's World
Santanico Pandemonium: I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me. You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Why? Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood. You'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery.
Seth Gecko: No, thanks. I've already had a wife.
Seth Gecko: No, thanks. I've already had a wife.
Delaney: I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.
Zack: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.
Lou : I liked the old house better.
Thornton Melon: So did I.
Lou: I liked the old wife better, too!
Melon: Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache.
Thornton Melon: So did I.
Lou: I liked the old wife better, too!
Melon: Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache.
"Lies, deceit, mixed messages. This is turning into a real marriage."
—Castor on life as "Sean Archer", Face/Off
"You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re gonna start dying just a little bit every day."
— Phil Wenneck, The Hangover
"Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise line?"
— Phill Wenneck, The Hangover
"Oh, marriage is a wonderful institution. Of course, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That is, if you're lucky enough to get a divorce. That becomes impossible when your wife's got incriminating photos of you simply having coffee with a young dancer because she was a great listener. Now, your life is just one series of endless humiliations. You lie awake and dream of the sweet release a murder-suicide could bring. But it's good, though! Really good."
— Bill Engvall, Delta Farce
"Do you have any idea what you're giving up? Do you have any idea, an inkling? Everything! Different women every night, running around like a maniac, partying, nakedness, GONE! I miss that so much, Ricky!"
— Stan Gassko, Bachelor Party
"You want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!"
— Mac, The Heartbreak Kid (2007)
"Let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life, real smart."
— Beanie, Old School
Vaudeleur: Have you ever been liberated?
Stout: I've been divorced twice, does that count?
Stout: I've been divorced twice, does that count?
Dolores: Where has the magic gone?
Baxter: If you want magic, I'll take you home and saw you in half!
Baxter: If you want magic, I'll take you home and saw you in half!
"Men and women use and abuse each other all the time; there's nothing wrong with it. Marriage has nothing to do with love."
—Claudette, The Room (2003)
"You expect to be happy! I haven't been happy since I married my first husband. I didn't even want to marry your father."
—Claudette, The Room (2003)
"Your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink."
—Lester Burnham, American Beauty
Colonel Frank Fitts: Where's your wife?
Lester Burnham: Uh, I dunno. Probably out fucking that dorky, prince-of-real-estate asshole. And you know what? I don't care.
Frank: Your wife is with another man and you don't care?
Lester: Nope. Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.
Lester Burnham: Uh, I dunno. Probably out fucking that dorky, prince-of-real-estate asshole. And you know what? I don't care.
Frank: Your wife is with another man and you don't care?
Lester: Nope. Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.
"This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what, I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, 'cause you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department!"
—Lester Burnham, American Beauty
Gigi: If we have to get married, I'll hire you a businessman.
Adam Sorg: If we get married, I'll hire me a psychiatrist.
Adam Sorg: If we get married, I'll hire me a psychiatrist.
Roy: Confucius once said: "Marriage is a bottomless pit of sorrow that makes you forget who you are".
Nyles: He did not.
Roy: But there is a bottom, my friend. And it is a fucking dark place.
Nyles: He did not.
Roy: But there is a bottom, my friend. And it is a fucking dark place.
"What husband hasn't, at some time, wanted to kill his wife?"
—Frederick Loren, House on Haunted Hill (1959)
Rico Dredd: I thought they destroyed all these ABC warriors during the last war.
Geiger: Well, you can still collect 'em, as long as they're non-functioning. Like my wife.
Geiger: Well, you can still collect 'em, as long as they're non-functioning. Like my wife.
Grandmother: Hedvika is marrying.
Valerie: Poor Hedvika.
Valerie: Poor Hedvika.
"Wow, getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner here."
— John Beckwith, after the antagonist Sack Lodge yells at his reluctant fiancee (and John's love interest) Claire Cleary, Wedding Crashers (2005)
Literature
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
Alys Karstark leaned close to Jon. "Snow during a wedding means a cold marriage. My lady mother always said so." He glanced at Queen Selyse. There must have been a blizzard the day she and Stannis wed.
She had spent the last six months or so trying to face the bleak prospect of the thirty or even forty loveless years which lay ahead of her as this man's mate, this man who had become by turns angry, coldly sarcastic, and unmindful of her. She had become just another piece of furniture as far as Danforth was concerned... unless, of course, she got in his way.
n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
— "Bride," The Devil's Dictionary
Live-Action TV
Let's see what Control has given us in their Newlywed kit: Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. And brass knuckles. This must be the Commando kit. Ah, this is the Newlywed kit: Toothpaste. Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. Brass knuckles.
— Maxwell, Get Smart
In my experience, I have known of five cases of women murdered by their devoted husbands. And twenty-two husbands murdered by their devoted wives. So thank you, non. The marriage, it is not for me.
— Poirot
"These are my three wives: Pestilence, Famine, and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter entire planets! Arranged marriages, every one. But they worked out; they inspired me. Knowing that they were waiting at home for me is what keeps me here—75 light-years away!"
— Londo, Babylon 5
Martok: My Lady.
Sirella: You've put on weight and your hair is going grey.
Martok: My deterioration is proceeding apace.
Sirella: I thought you would be in your grave by now.
Martok: I shall endeavor to die this year, if possible.
Sirella: You've put on weight and your hair is going grey.
Martok: My deterioration is proceeding apace.
Sirella: I thought you would be in your grave by now.
Martok: I shall endeavor to die this year, if possible.
—Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "You Are Cordially Invited"
"Every married couple alive pretends. They pretend they don't hate their in-laws or their husband's stupid jokes or their wife's laugh or that they don't actually love one of their children more than the others. Marriage is, well, it's almost all pretend. For everyone. That's the reality. That's what's real. Buying into the delusion that there's any other way to live together, to get through an entire life together, that's—well that's the fantasy. That's pretending."
—Mellie, Scandal
Barney: Still, that's a lot of time at the gym, especially with two kids.
James: It's like I always said to Tom: "I've got to stay in shape in case I'm ever single again!" And hello? I was right!
James: It's like I always said to Tom: "I've got to stay in shape in case I'm ever single again!" And hello? I was right!
"She began to know me too well, and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it."
—Alan Shore, Boston Legal
Claire Underwood: I can't believe we've become this.
Frank Underwood: Become what?
Claire: Like everyone else.
Frank Underwood: Become what?
Claire: Like everyone else.
Basil: [takes Sybil's hand] Seriously, Sybil, do you remember when we were first... manacled together? We used to laugh quite a lot.
Sybil: [pulling her hand away] Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.
Basil: That's true. That was a warning, I guess. Should have spotted that, shouldn't I?
Sybil: [pulling her hand away] Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.
Basil: That's true. That was a warning, I guess. Should have spotted that, shouldn't I?
— Fawlty Towers, "Communication Problems"
Naomi: I've always felt marriage was a sacred bond and I hoped Vinton felt the same way.
Thelma: Well, so did I. Lord knows, his daddy and I had our troubles. There were vicious arguments and cruel words and agony and humiliation and awful fights, but somehow there was always that sacredness.
Thelma: Well, so did I. Lord knows, his daddy and I had our troubles. There were vicious arguments and cruel words and agony and humiliation and awful fights, but somehow there was always that sacredness.
"Women: can't live with 'em...the end."
— Al Bundy, Married... with Children
"I should've known it was a mistake when she said 'I suppose' instead of 'I do'."
— Charles Boyle, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Red: If a man is not careful, he is...
Edgar: Married!
Music
She used to call me baby
I thought she was such a lady
But my how things have changed
Since times moved on
I give her my last dollar
And now all she'll do is holler
Oh, my life has become
A country song!
I thought she was such a lady
But my how things have changed
Since times moved on
I give her my last dollar
And now all she'll do is holler
Oh, my life has become
A country song!
— "It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long", The Notorious Cherry Bombs
"Marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and suffering."
— Chester Wooley, The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap
Now all you fine young lasses, you say you'd like to wed
But if you do, you just may rue your lonely nights in bed.
For a courting boy is very kind and a lover knows what-for
But a husband lying in your bed is a drunken lazy bore!
But if you do, you just may rue your lonely nights in bed.
For a courting boy is very kind and a lover knows what-for
But a husband lying in your bed is a drunken lazy bore!
— "On Reflection of Marriage," The Merry Wives of Windsor
Well I came upon the slothful man a few short years ago
And ever since I've led a life of misery and woe!
Me husband he's an awful man, a drunken shame of a male
I should sell him to the Devil for a drop or two of ale!
And if the Devil should take him, I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to god I'll hang meself if I should marry again!
And ever since I've led a life of misery and woe!
Me husband he's an awful man, a drunken shame of a male
I should sell him to the Devil for a drop or two of ale!
And if the Devil should take him, I'd thank him for his pain
I swear to god I'll hang meself if I should marry again!
— "The Slothful Man," The Merry Wives of Windsor
I live to give my husband grief, I strive to cause him ill
I nag and criticize the man with voice both high and shrill.
He hides from me at the public house and there he curses his fate
And then I say you drink too much and you shouldn't stay out so late!
I nag and criticize the man with voice both high and shrill.
He hides from me at the public house and there he curses his fate
And then I say you drink too much and you shouldn't stay out so late!
— "I Live to Give My Husband Grief," The Merry Wives of Windsor
Stand-Up Comedy
"You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere."
Theatre
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?!
But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?!
— Madame Thernadier, Les Misérables
Unproduced Scripts
Mr. Unwin: What brings you here?
Stella: Simple human concern.
Mr. Unwin: There speaks the same woman who, on twenty-seven separate occasions, openly wished me dead.
Stella: I certainly did.
Video Games
"(Argh, I will never understand this woman. She's started to keep more to herself. If it weren't for the children we would have already divorced.)"
— Arold Baker, Empty Head
"I love the Olympics, especially the luge! I'm married, so sliding down an icy tunnel of doom at high speed makes sense!"
"Marriage is where fun goes to die."
— Tohru Adachi, Persona 4
Webcomics
Mauricio: My arm is just a parasitic raving killer lunatic who needs me alive to survive, and who is the bane of my existence.
Jabby: What-ev.
Mauricio: I know... I don't expect anyone to relate to my predicament.
Wezzle: Are you kidding? Have you ever been married?
Jabby: What-ev.
Mauricio: I know... I don't expect anyone to relate to my predicament.
Wezzle: Are you kidding? Have you ever been married?
Web Original
Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera.
love my terrible wife who wants to kill me so so bad
i come home from work every day and narrowly dodge one of her many death traps . when we eat dinner ill smile and say “poison again ?” and she will shrug mischievously but we both know it is very much poison
i come home from work every day and narrowly dodge one of her many death traps . when we eat dinner ill smile and say “poison again ?” and she will shrug mischievously but we both know it is very much poison
Web Video
Kirito: Okay, sweetie, I'm going to let you in on a little-known secret of comedy: Bad things aren't funny when they happen to daddy.
Yui: What about mommy?
Kirito: Oh, mommy's fair game; go for the throat.
Yui: What about mommy?
Kirito: Oh, mommy's fair game; go for the throat.
—Sword Art Online Abridged Episode 13
Jack Manifold: Wait, I don't wanna do this! My wi- I- My wife, I don't wanna see her!
Tommy: NO, DON'T YOU DARE GET COLD FEET NOW, JACK, IF I GET HOME, I CAN SEE MY WI- what do you mean- your wife, you don't wanna see her? What fuckin...
Jack Manifold: I'm staying away from her! I didn't do anything wrong, I just pretended! I just said, "Hey honey, I did bad things! Need to leave for the next few years!"
Tommy: What's your sentence...?
Jack Manifold: Life! HER life! When she dies, I leave!
Tommy: NO, DON'T YOU DARE GET COLD FEET NOW, JACK, IF I GET HOME, I CAN SEE MY WI- what do you mean- your wife, you don't wanna see her? What fuckin...
Jack Manifold: I'm staying away from her! I didn't do anything wrong, I just pretended! I just said, "Hey honey, I did bad things! Need to leave for the next few years!"
Tommy: What's your sentence...?
Jack Manifold: Life! HER life! When she dies, I leave!
Wilbur: I'm gonna give it a witch's heart. That's what my ex-wife had. [...]
Tommy: I don't think I'd ever marry a witch.
Wilbur: That's what I said, too, Tommy, but here we are. You never know where you end up.
Tommy: I don't think I'd ever marry a witch.
Wilbur: That's what I said, too, Tommy, but here we are. You never know where you end up.
"(at a funeral) Uh, I forgot to write a speech, so I'm just going to repurpose what I wrote for his wedding. Congratulations, you son of a bitch. Your life is over."
— Terry Lesler, Scott The Woz
Zack: Oh hey, Aeris. Have you seen Jen and Hojo?
Crystal/"Aeris": Um... Y'know, they're probably still in bed, y'know, they were up pretty late doing their... their... usual.
Zack: You mean arguing?
"Aeris": ...Ah ...How did you know?
Zack: It keeps me up at night.
Crystal/"Aeris": Um... Y'know, they're probably still in bed, y'know, they were up pretty late doing their... their... usual.
Zack: You mean arguing?
"Aeris": ...Ah ...How did you know?
Zack: It keeps me up at night.
Western Animation
Beatrice: [dryly] Here's your omelet. [throws the plate onto the table] I'm sorry it's not as good as the omelets your secretary makes, but then you're not married to your secretary, are you?
Butterscotch: [bitterly] Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, I would be.
Young BoJack: Mommy, can I have an omelet?
Beatrice: You're the birthday boy.
Butterscotch: [bitterly] Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, I would be.
Young BoJack: Mommy, can I have an omelet?
Beatrice: You're the birthday boy.
Jerry: Beth? Do you still love me?
Beth: Ugh, what kind of question is that?
Jerry: The "yes or no" kind.
Beth: Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?
Jerry: Yes...
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Jerry: No...
Beth: Then what good was the "yes"?
Jerry: Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: Then I obviously sort of love you, don’t I? So stop asking, and maybe I’ll love you more.
Beth: Ugh, what kind of question is that?
Jerry: The "yes or no" kind.
Beth: Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?
Jerry: Yes...
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Jerry: No...
Beth: Then what good was the "yes"?
Jerry: Wait, i-is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in. So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: Then I obviously sort of love you, don’t I? So stop asking, and maybe I’ll love you more.
— Rick and Morty, "Rick Potion No. 9"
"My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better! Her aim is getting better! You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible."
— Stan Pines, Gravity Falls
Orel Puppington: Coach... you like my dad the way my mom likes my dad, don't you?
[Beat]
Coach Stopframe: Your mom likes your dad?
[Beat]
Coach Stopframe: Your mom likes your dad?
— Moral Orel, "Honor"
Real Life
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't they'd be married, too.
I personally feel that we live far too long to be monogamous. It was a nice notion when you might not make it to the age of 14, so you’d better impregnate someone by 13, before a rock was dropped on your head. These days, the biggest thing keeping marriages together is the vibrator.
"It was mostly that he wrote a strongly worded letter about how Rose McGowan would ruin my life and ruin my career if I stayed with her, which was good advice...he was genuinely just looking out for my best interests."
I have no mercy, no fear and not an ounce of emotion or what I once thought was love for this gold digging, low level, dime a dozen, mushy, pointless dangling overused flappy fish market… I met fucking sublime little Russian here…Which makes me realize the time I blew on that 50 cent stripper…I wouldn’t touch her with a goddam glove.
—Johnny Depp, text sent to CAA talent manager Christian Carino
"Marriage years are different than human years… Like you know how dog years are like seven years? Every marriage year is like 100 years."
Trapped inside, Melania Trump has a look that I’ve never seen before, the eyes of someone waiting with increasing impatience for Stockholm syndrome to set in. The look of a woman frantically trying to unlearn English, appalled to find that this only makes her understand her husband more clearly. Perhaps women trapped in marriages with monsters resort to plastic surgery so that it becomes easier to leave a wax head in their bed while they work on their tunnel at night. Perhaps the manicures are to hide the endless digging. Perhaps it’s the secret of their figures. They’re not dieting, they’re eating those peanut butter and fried egg sandwiches Michael Phelps used to train on and spending their nights burrowing like a fucking gopher.
