Script / Carry On Again Nurse

"As Churchill did not become Prime Minister to preside over the dissolution of the Empire, neither did I - nay - become Matron here to see this might medical force surrender without a fight. 'Fight', I said, Drummond - and 'fight' I mean, Drummond - for - make no mistake about it, Drummond - now, this is WAR!".

— Matron Millicent Bullivant announcing to Harry that she won't let Mercy Street Hospital be closed without a fight.

Carry On Again Nurse was an unproduced script intending to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Carry On films. Again Nurse was written in 1988 by the series' original scriptwriter Norman Hudis, but the film was never produced due to a combination of budget issues and the deaths of Kenneth Williams and Charles Hawtrey that same year. The full script can be found in the book The Lost Carry Ons and it was hoped to star Kenneth Williams, Joan Sims, Charles Hawtrey, Kenneth Connor, and Barbara Windsor.

Again Nurse is set in Mercy Street Hospital, which in some shocking news learnt by larcenous porter Harry Drummond (Connor) is threatened with closure. Despite this news, the staff all have their own issues to attend to - head surgeon Sir Roderick Haddon (Williams) goes about business as usual dealing with the patients; Matron Millicent Bullivant (Sims) is convinced that there is an NHS mole in the hospital and drives her staff (most notably the experienced Sister H. Chesterton (Windsor) and clumsy Student Nurse Patsy Furness) barmy trying to make them happy; Nurse Margot Walton and Dr. Charles Murray both pine for each other, but don't know how to make the first move; Dr. Jim Vernon tries to force Dr. Randy Firkin to make a move on Matron to get her to relax more; and Harry and fellow porter Ted Marley have to scramble to try and replace all the hospital goods they've nicked.

Mercy Street also has some interesting patients, including recently divorced Bill Unwin who has a broken leg; Dave Beaton, the man with a million girlfriends; Dennis Harper, whose nose is always cold; Bob Marchant, who is believed to be the mole; and Cecil Cholmondeley (Hawtrey), a strange little author with a love for goblins and fairies.

With everyone's jobs on the line, Matron tries to lead the staff to run Mercy Street as efficiently as possible as things continue to go wrong and Hilarity Ensues.

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This Script Contains the Following Tropes:

• Accidental Misnaming: Mr. Cholmondeley's mum accidentally calls Butch Cassidy's "Crotch Chastity's".
• Alliterative Name:
  • Mr. Cholmondeley's mum tries to remember the name of her son's workplace and accidentally calls it "Crotch Chastity's".
  • Sam Stirrup and the Hee-Haw Horrors, characters in They're Off.
  • The script reveals that Nurse Lowry and Mr. Cholmondeley's names are Lottie Lowry and Cecil Cholmondeley.
• All There in the Script: Some character's names aren't mentioned in dialogue and only in descriptions:
  • Sir Roderick's surname is "Haddon".
  • Harry's fellow porter is called "Ted Marley".
  • Dr. Firkin's first name is "Randy", short for "Randolph".
  • Dr. Vernon's first name is "Jim".
  • Mr. Marchant's first name is "Bob".
  • Dave's first lover is called "Penelope".
  • Nurse Lowry's first name is "Lottie".
  • The Night Nurse is called "Anna Francis".
  • Mr. Cholmondeley's first name is "Cecil".
  • Mr. Marchant's son is called "Little Bob".
• Annoying Patient: One patient refuses to accept they are a hypochondriac and demands a ninth opinion.
• Awful Wedded Life: Mr. Unwin and his wife Stella had quite a rocky marriage before their divorce:
  Mr. Unwin: What brings you here?
  Stella: Simple human concern.
  Mr. Unwin: There speaks the same woman who, on twenty-seven separate occasions, openly wished me dead.
  Stella: I certainly did.
• Big-Breast Pride: Sister Chesterton is quite proud of her bust:
  Sister Chesterton: What can I possibly have done?
  Policeman: Driven too fast and not worn a seat-belt.
  Sister Chesterton: Still, no harm done, eh?
  Policeman: Could have been. It's for your own protection. I mean, if you'd had to stop suddenly, you've got nothing to cushion you.
  Sister Chesterton: You reckon...?
• The Bluebeard: Mr. Springett is implied to have killed his three wives (in a gag taken from Carry On Loving):
  Dr. Vernon: So, Mr. Springett - just to confirm - and I do apologise - this must be very painful for you - both your first and second wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms?
  Mr. Springett: Yes, Doctor. That's correct.
  Dr. Vernon: And now your third wife...?
  Mr. Springett: Also - passed on - yes.
  Dr. Vernon: From what, Mr. Springett?
  Mr. Springett: Fractured skull.
  Dr. Vernon: How did she get that?
  Mr. Springett: SHE WOULDN'T EAT THE MUSHROOMS!
• Bratty Half-Pint: The fat mum's children are all destructive little brats.
• Brief Accent Imitation: Mr. Beaton copies Mao Zedong's:
  Mr. Beaton: Somebody asked Mao Tse-tung "Do you have elections in China?" and old Mao says "Course we do - same as in England - evely morning".
• Buffy Speak: Mr. Beaton calls anesthetic "bye-bye juice".
• Cloudcuckoolander: Mr. Cholmondeley, just as all of Charles Hawtrey's characters had been in the past.
  Matron: He's not the mole. Not even the Government would employ someone that potty.
• Dirty Old Man: Herbert and another old patient peek at a glamorous nurse's behind when she goes to pick something up:
  Old Patient: 'Erbert?
  Herbert: 'Allo...
  Old Patient: Remember that stuff they put in our tea in the army to take our minds orf the old grumble?
  Herbert: Yerss... why?
  Old Patient: I think mine's beginnin' to wear orf...
• Double Entendre: Mr. Unwin slips many past Matron, much to Nurse Walton and Sister Chesterton's amusement:
  Matron: Mr. Unwin: I have been in Nursing for thirty years. There isn't an innuendo of that kind which I don't fully understand. You can't slip one past me.
  Mr. Unwin: Then I'd better stop tossing them off.
  Matron: If you please.
  Mr. Unwin: I expect I only do it because I'm feeling a bit dicky.
  Matron: Quite.
  Mr. Unwin: But I'll pull out in time. I don't want to go down in your estimation.
  Matron: You see? All you have to do is take him firmly in hand. In no time, he isn't so cocky.
• Drives Like Crazy: Sister Chesterton's reckless driving gets her into trouble with a policeman.
• Expy: Nurse Furness is seemingly just a sassier version of Nurse Dawson from Carry On Nurse.
• Faint in Shock: Several medical students faint while watching Sir Roderick operate on Mr. Unwin.
• Fictional Document:
  • Fairy Lightfoot At The United Nations, one of Mr. Cholmondeley's stories.
    Mr. Cholmondeley: She turns the Russian delegate into a big friendly bear.
  • Mr. Cholmondeley's next story is They're Off, and is a blatant rip-off of Cinderella.
  • He also has one about pigs called Gone With The Grunt.
• Fun with Acronyms: Dr. Vernon comes up with an interesting one for a study of sex and hunger:
  Dr. Vernon: Sex and Hunger in Towns.
  Dr. Firkin: "S.H.I...".
• Got Me Doing It: Matron accidentally says "buroocracy" instead of "bureaucracy" after hearing Harry say it like that.
• The Ghost:
  • Foxy the Fence, who Harry and Ted flog stolen hospital goods to.
  • Mr. Furness, Nurse Furness' father.
  • Andrew, Bert and George, lovers of a woman patient.
• Hospital Hottie:
  • Mr. Beaton eyes up an Emergency Nurse, much to Dr. Murray's disapproval.
  • Mr. Beaton also has eyes for the anaesthetist he meets before his operation:
    Mr. Beaton: Wow. You can put away the bye-bye juice.
    Anaesthetist: Sorry?
    Mr. Beaton: I'm knocked out just looking at you. When can we have dinner?
  • Sister Chesterton, who is renowned for her bust.
  • Nurse Patsy Furness is described as the youngest and prettiest nurse.
• Hypochondria: One of Sir Roderick's patients refuses to admit they have this condition:
  Sir Roderick: There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Except hypochondria. You just like talking to doctors.
  Fusspot: That's absolute nonsense. I demand a ninth opinion.
• Insistent Terminology: Matron's description states she refuses to be known as Senior Nursing Officer, stating "She is Matron and that is that".
• Intimate Marks: One patient has the word "Saskatchewan" tattooed on his penis.
• Japanese Ranguage: Mr. Beaton says "evely" instead of "every" when copying Mao Zedong.
• Last-Second Word Swap: Sister Chesterton stops herself from swearing in front of Matron:
  Matron: Do delivery-persons habitually wander unchecked in and out of your Ward, Sister?
  Sister Chesterton: Only when Nurse Walton and I are both in here, Matron, going through all this sh-eer delight.
• Laughing Mad: Matron descends into mad laughter when trying to impress Mr. Marchant.
• Malaproper: Mr. Cholmondeley says "faggot" when he means "spigot".
• Malicious Misnaming: Harry calls Sir Roderick "Sir Cleverdick".
• Manchild: Mr. Cholmondeley still wears pyjamas with goblins on them.
• Meaningful Name:
  • Sister Chesterton is quite busty.
  • The script reveals that Dr. Firkin's first name is Randy, fitting for someone always looking to have it off.
• Mistaken for Masturbating: When Dr. Murray hears that Mr. Unwin broke his leg celebrating after his divorce, Dr. Murray' first thought is that he did it while masturbating:
  Dr. Murray: Who were you with?
  Mr. Unwin: No one, Doctor. I did it on my own.
  Dr. Murray: On your own? In the street?!
• Mummy's Boy: Mr. Cholmondeley is far too close to his mother for a man of his age.
• My Local: Harry frequents The Doctor's Dilemma.
• My Nayme Is: One of the patients is called Cecil Cholmondeley, pronounced "Chumley".
  Sister Chesterton: Ah, you must be Mr. Cholmondeley.
  Mr. Cholmondeley: No I mustn't. I'm "Chumley".
  Ted: I knew a "Bottomley" once - pronounced "Bumley".
• No Full Name Given:
  • We don't get to know Stella, Dan, Jack, Herbert, Horace or Ermyntrude's last names.
  • The same can be said for Sister Chesterton, Mr. Cohen, Mrs. Briggs, Mr. Springett, Mrs. Marchant and Mr. Jenkins' first names.
• One Dialogue, Two Conversations: Matron and Harry overhear Mr. Marchant playing a spaceman game with Little Bob and think he is discussing plans to close Mercy Street Hospital.
• Out with a Bang: Mrs. Briggs mentions she gave her husband pills to be more active in bed. The only problem is they worked too well:
  Doctor: Ah yes, Mrs. Briggs... I saw you last week - yes - you told me your husband hadn't been - uh - very active.
  Mrs. Briggs: That's right - and you gave me them tablets.
  Doctor: To put in his cocoa at night.
  Mrs. Briggs: Right. Well he was away until yesterday so I put the whole lot in last night.
  Doctor: My God! What happened? How did he do?
  Mrs. Briggs: Very well, thank you. Seven times last night - three times this morning - just before he died...
• Pop-Culture Pun Episode Title: One of Mr. Cholmondeley's stories is called Gone With The Grunt, a play on Gone with the Wind.
• Potty Failure:
  • Mr. Jenkins mentions he once wet a couch.
  • A Colonel's life is made uncomfortable by how regular his bowel movements are:
    Sir Roderick: You may be retired but you're still a very "regular" soldier, eh, what, ha-ha?
    Colonel: Damned regular, sir. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp.
    Sir Roderick: Well what's wrong with that?
    Colonel: Don't get up till eight.
• Pun:
  • Dr. Firkin and Mr. Cohen make cracks about the egg-cosy Mr. Harper wears on his nose:
    Sir Roderick: If they don't realise, and respect, that your nasal attire is probably part of some obscure religious celebration-
    Dr. Firkin: Like Sniffmas...
    Mr. Cohen: Or Yom Hooter.
  • Matron makes a bad one to try and impress Mr. Marchant:
    Matron: I don't want anyone from any REGIONAL BOARD being BORED when he's in my REGION - eh - what - oh-ha - ha-hohee.
  • When discussing a Colonel's pooping habits, Sir Roderick says he may be retired, but he's still a very "regular" soldier.
• Really Gets Around:
  • Dr. Firkin has had his way with almost all of the nurses.
    Ted: 'E gets more bangs than a shutter in a gale.
  • Dave is visited by several pretty girls during his stay at Mercy Street Hospital.
• Rich Language, Poor Language: Sister Chesterton tries to speak posh when on the job:
  Sister Chesterton: Matron can tell if a bed's had a sparrer's fevver... (Beat) I mean, of course, a pigeon's plume drop down on it, let alone a deadweight Student Nurse crashing like a sack of spuds.
• Right Behind Me: Sister Chesterton calls Matron a vulture while unaware she's in the same room as her:
  Sister Chesterton: Why Matron, what a pleasant surprise, you're early...
  Matron: The early vulture catches the snake-in-the-grass...?
• Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Sir Roderick speaks in an overly-technical way.
  Mr. Harper: And don't worry: I'm not going to say cold noses run in my family.
  Sir Roderick: Why not? It's a perfectly acceptable lay term for genetic probosco antarctica.
• Shout-Out:
  • Sir Roderick compares Dr. Vernon's clumsiness to The Elephant Man.
  • Sir Roderick unknowingly quotes "Tell Me the Old, Old Story".
  • Mr. Beaton mentions Mao Zedong when trying to ask Sir Roderick about his penis.
  • Ted remarks that you don't find a cross between Attila the Hun and Boudica in Mercy Street Hospital every day.
  • Matron's favourite song is " "Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life" from Naughty Marietta.
  • Harry compares Mercy Street Hospital to Queen Victoria.
  • Sister Chesterton mentions that sometimes a woman needs "a touch of the Barbara Cartlands".
  • A patient is described as having a nose like Cyrano de Bergerac.
  • After Mr. Cholmondeley mentions he works at the Butch Cassidy Gymnasium, Dennis asks if he's the Sundance Kid.
  • Matron compares herself to Winston Churchill. Stella also compares Mr. Unwin to him and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
  • Mr. Harper and Mr. Cholmondeley discuss Paddington Bear and Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky when talking about bears.
  • One of Mr. Cholmondeley's stories is a blantant copy of Cinderella, although Mr. Cholmondeley thinks it's closer to Little Red Riding Hood.
  • When trying to seduce Matron, Dr. Firkin makes mention of "a long time ago" and "a galaxy far away".
  • One of Mr. Cholmondeley's stories is called Gone With The Grunt.
  • Near the end of the film, Matron turns to a photograph of Hattie Jacques and asks "Did I do right?". Jacques was best known for playing various Matrons in five Carry On films prior to her death.
• Smoking Hot Sex: When examining Mr. Marchant, Dr. Firkin asks him if he smokes after intercourse.
• Speak in Unison: Both Matron and Harry say "buroocracy" when discussing the redecoration of an empty ward.
• Spoonerism: Matron manages to do one when writing in her diary:
  Matron: "Dear Diary... I have decided that my 'secret admirer' is almost certainly a typical Firk by Dr. Prankin". (Beat) Drat.
• Suddenly Shouting: Mr. Springett does so when explaining to Dr. Vernon about how his third wife wouldn't eat the poisonous mushrooms he had prepared for her.
• Take That!: Matron remarks that not even the Government would employ someone as potty as Mr. Cholmondeley.
• Title Drop: Sister Chesterton does so when trying to get Nurse Furness to work harder:
  Sister Chesterton: We need that stuff cleaned, not mooned-over. Carry on, Nurse. (Beat) Do I have to say "Carry on" again, Nurse?
• Waxing Lyrical: Sir Roderick quotes a famous hymn:
  Mr. Beaton: You know the old, old story?
  Sir Roderick: No. Tell me the old, old story.
• Word, Schmord!:
  • Used by Mr. Cohen when speaking to Mr. Beaton about Sir Roderick:
    Mr. Beaton: He's too posh.
    Mr. Cohen: Posh-shmosh.
  • And again after Mr. Beaton has spoken with Sir Roderick:
    Mr. Beaton: I'd've gone mad by now.
    Mr. Cohen: Mad-shmad - so long as you don't go out of your mind.

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