History Script / CarryOnAgainNurse

* CurseCutShort: Sister Chesterton stops herself from swearing in front of Matron:
-->'''Matron:''' Do delivery-persons habitually wander unchecked in and out of your Ward, Sister?\\
'''Sister Chesterton:''' Only when Nurse Walton and I are both in here, Matron, going through all this sh-eer delight.

-->-- '''Nurse Millicent Bullivant''' announcing to Harry Drummond that she won't let Mercy Street Hospital be closed without a fight.

''Carry On Again Nurse'' was an unproduced script intending to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the ''Film/CarryOn'' films. ''Again Nurse'' was written in 1988 by the series' original scriptwriter Norman Hudis, but the film was never produced due to a combination of budget issues and the deaths of Creator/KennethWilliams and Creator/CharlesHawtrey that same year. The full script can be found in the book ''The Lost Carry Ons'' and [[HypotheticalCasting it was hoped to star]] Creator/KennethWilliams, Creator/JoanSims, Creator/CharlesHawtrey, and Creator/KennethConnor.

''Again Nurse'' is set in Mercy Street Hospital, which in some shocking news learnt by larcenous porter Harry Drummond (Connor) is threatened with closure. Despite this news, the staff all have their own issues to attend to - head surgeon Sir Roderick Haddon (Williams) goes about business as usual dealing with the patients; Matron Millicent Bullivant (Sims) is convinced that there is an NHS mole in the hospital and drives her staff (most notably the experienced Sister H. Chesterton and clumsy Student Nurse Patsy Furness) barmy trying to make them happy; Nurse Margot Walton and Dr. Charles Murray both pine for each other, but don't know how to make the first move; Dr. Jim Vernon tries to force Dr. Randy Firkin to make a move on Matron to get her to relax more; and Harry and fellow porter Ted Marley have to scramble to try and replace all the hospital goods they've nicked.

* TheyDo: Matron and Sir Roderick plan to marry by the end of the script.

* BuxomIsBetter: Sister Chesterton is quite proud of her bust:
-->'''Sister Chesterton:''' What can I ''possibly'' have done?\\
'''Policeman:''' Driven too fast and not worn a seat-belt.\\
'''Sister Chesterton:''' Still, no harm done, eh?\\
'''Policeman:''' Could have been. It's for your own protection. I mean, if you'd had to stop suddenly, you've got nothing to cushion you.\\
'''Sister Chesterton:''' You reckon...?

** One of Mr. Cholmondeley's stories is a blantant copy of ''Literature/{{Cinderella}}'', although Mr. Cholmondeley thinks its closer to ''Literature/LittleRedRidingHood''.

->''"As [[UsefulNotes/WinstonChurchill Churchill]] did not become Prime Minister to preside over the dissolution of the Empire, neither did I - nay - become Matron here to see this might medical force surrender without a fight. "Fight", I said, Drummond - and "fight" I mean, Drummond - for - make no mistake about it, Drummond - now, this is WAR!"''.

-->'''Mr. Unwin''': What brings you here?
-->'''Stella''': Simple human concern.
-->'''Mr. Unwin''': There speaks the same woman who, on twenty-seven separate occasions, openly wished me dead.
-->'''Stella''': I certainly did.

-->'''Dr. Vernon''': So, Mr. Springett - just to confirm - and I do apologise - this must be very painful for you - both your first and second wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms?
-->'''Mr. Springett''': Yes, Doctor. That's correct.
-->'''Dr. Vernon''': And now your third wife...?
-->'''Mr. Springett''': Also - passed on - yes.
-->'''Dr. Vernon''': From what, Mr. Springett?
-->'''Mr. Springett''': Fractured skull.
-->'''Dr. Vernon''': How did she get that?
-->'''Mr. Springett''': SHE WOULDN'T EAT THE MUSHROOMS!

-->'''Mr. Beaton''': Somebody asked Mao Tse-tung "Do you have elections in China?" and old Mao says "Course we do - same as in England - [[JapaneseRanguage evely]] morning".

-->'''Sister Chesterton''': What can I ''possibly'' have done?
-->'''Policeman''': Driven too fast and not worn a seat-belt.
-->'''Sister Chesterton''': Still, no harm done, eh?
-->'''Policeman''': Could have been. It's for your own protection. I mean, if you'd had to stop suddenly, you've got nothing to cushion you.
-->'''Sister Chesterton''': You reckon...?

-->'''Matron''': He's not the mole. Not even the Government would employ someone that potty.

-->'''Matron''': Do delivery-persons habitually wander unchecked in and out of your Ward, Sister?
-->'''Sister Chesterton''': Only when Nurse Walton and I are both in here, Matron, going through all this sh-eer delight.

-->'''Old Patient''': 'Erbert?
-->'''Herbert''': 'Allo...
-->'''Old Patient''': Remember that stuff they put in our tea in the army to take our minds orf the old grumble?
-->'''Herbert''': Yerss... why?
-->'''Old Patient''': I think mine's beginnin' to wear orf...

-->'''Matron''': Mr. Unwin: I have been in Nursing for thirty years. There isn't an innuendo of that kind which I don't fully understand. You can't slip ''one'' past ''me''.
-->'''Mr. Unwin''': Then I'd better stop tossing them off.
-->'''Matron''': If you please.
-->'''Mr. Unwin''': I expect I only do it because I'm feeling a bit dicky.
-->'''Matron''': Quite.
-->'''Mr. Unwin''': But I'll pull out in time. I don't want to go down in your estimation.
-->'''Matron''': You see? All you have to do is take him firmly in hand. In no time, he isn't so cocky.

--->'''Mr. Cholmondeley''': She turns the Russian delegate into a big friendly bear.

-->'''Dr. Vernon''': Sex and Hunger in Towns.
-->'''Dr. Firkin''': "S.H.I...".

--->'''Mr. Beaton''': Wow. You can put away the bye-bye juice.
--->'''Anaesthetist''': Sorry?
--->'''Mr. Beaton''': I'm knocked out just looking at you. When can we have dinner?

-->'''Sir Roderick''': There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Except hypochondria. You just like talking to doctors.
-->'''Fusspot''': That's absolute nonsense. I demand a ninth opinion.

-->'''Dr. Murray''': Who were you with?
-->'''Mr. Unwin''': No one, Doctor. I did it on my own.
-->'''Dr. Murray''': On your own? In the street?!

-->'''Sister Chesterton''': Ah, you must be Mr. Cholmondeley.
-->'''Mr. Cholmondeley''': No I mustn't. I'm "Chumley".
-->'''Ted''': I knew a "Bottomley" once - pronounced "Bumley".

-->'''Doctor''': Ah yes, Mrs. Briggs... I saw you last week - yes - you told me your husband hadn't been - uh - very active.
-->'''Mrs. Briggs''': That's right - and you gave me them tablets.
-->'''Doctor''': To put in his cocoa at night.
-->'''Mrs. Briggs''': Right. Well he was away until yesterday so I put the whole lot in last night.
-->'''Doctor''': My God! What happened? How did he do?
-->'''Mrs. Briggs''': ''Very'' well, thank you. Seven times last night - three times this morning - just before he died...

--->'''Sir Roderick''': You may be retired but you're still a very "regular" soldier, eh, what, ha-ha?
--->'''Colonel''': Damned regular, sir. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp.
--->'''Sir Roderick''': Well what's wrong with that?
--->'''Colonel''': Don't get up till eight.

--->'''Sir Roderick''': If they don't realise, and respect, that your nasal attire is probably part of some obscure religious celebration-
--->'''Dr. Firkin''': Like Sniffmas...
--->'''Mr. Cohen''': Or Yom Hooter.

--->'''Matron''': I don't want anyone from any REGIONAL BOARD being BORED when he's in ''my'' REGION - eh - what - oh-ha - ha-hohee.

--->'''Ted''': 'E gets more bangs than a shutter in a gale.

-->'''Sister Chesterton''': Matron can tell if a bed's had a sparrer's fevver... ({{Beat}}) I mean, of course, a pigeon's plume drop down on it, let alone a deadweight Student Nurse crashing like a sack of spuds.

-->'''Sister Chesterton''': Why Matron, what a pleasant surprise, you're early...
-->'''Matron''': The early vulture catches the snake-in-the-grass...?

-->'''Mr. Harper''': And don't worry: I'm not going to say cold noses run in my family.
-->'''Sir Roderick''': Why not? It's a perfectly acceptable lay term for genetic probosco antarctica.

** Ted remarks that you don't find a cross between UsefulNotes/AttilaTheHun and UsefulNotes/Boudica in Mercy Street Hospital every day.

-->'''Matron''': "Dear Diary... I have decided that my 'secret admirer' is almost certainly a typical Firk by Dr. Prankin". ({{Beat}}) Drat.

-->'''Sister Chesterton''': We need that stuff cleaned, not mooned-over. Carry on, Nurse. ({{Beat}}) Do I have to say ''"Carry on" again, Nurse''?

-->'''Mr. Beaton''': You know the old, old story?
-->'''Sir Roderick''': No. Tell me the old, old story.

--->'''Mr. Beaton''': He's too posh.
--->'''Mr. Cohen''': Posh-shmosh.
** And again after Mr. Beaton has spoken with Sir Roderick
--->'''Mr. Beaton''': I'd've gone mad by now.
--->'''Mr. Cohen''': Mad-shmad - so long as you don't go out of your mind.

''Carry On Again Nurse'' was an unproduced script intending to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the ''Film/CarryOn'' films. ''Again Nurse'' was written in 1988 series' original scriptwriter Norman Hudis, but the film was never produced due to a combination of budget issues and the deaths of Creator/KennethWilliams and Creator/CharlesHawtrey that same year. The full script can be found in the book ''The Lost Carry Ons'' and [[HypotheticalCasting it was hoped to star]] Creator/KennethWilliams, Creator/JoanSims, Creator/CharlesHawtrey, and Creator/KennethConnor.

-->'''Sister Chesterton''': Only when Nurse Walron and I are both in here, Matron, going through all this sh-eer delight.

-->'''Sister Chesterton''': We need that stuff cleaned, not mooned-over. Carry on, Nurse. ({{Beat}}) Do I have to say ''Carry on again, Nurse''?