Literature / Elfslayer Chronicles

"/tg/, I'm a dick"

The Elfslayer Chronicles is the given name for a series of 4Chan posts in December of 2009 by an Anonymous player (a human illusionist) detailing a series of Dungeons & Dragons games played over IRC. Over five separate threads, OP details how he successfully turned a campaign about restoring peace to the elven lands into a dangerous game of escaping punishment for murdering their own prince.

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Elfslayer Chronicles provides examples of:

• Always Chaotic Evil: Humans, as expected in a story like this. They're described as being hidebound, homophobic, greedy, elf-hating warmongers. The fun starts when OP decides to start playing his (human) character as a hidebound, homophobic, greedy, elf-hating warmonger. After killing off the Elf Captain of the Guard, OP avoids sending news of his victory back to the human kingdom for fear that the DM will use this trope against him by having his superiors kill him and claim credit for his actions.
• Artifact Domination: Discussed and defied. When OP finds an orb offering great power, he makes sure to only move it using a shovel and to not directly interact with it.
• Artifact of Doom: The Eye of Blight (really, what could you expect with a name like that?). It was once a magical weapon of execution, and could rot anyone who held it away within seconds. OP is smart enough to not touch it, instead just flitting it away with a shovel.
• Author Appeal: The DM built the campaign around elves and yaoi, both of which she loves. The only reason dwarves and tieflings are allowed as player characters is that she doesn't like them, so she is fine with them being allied with the "evil humans".
• Bag of Holding: OP exploits one to kill and frame the Royal Guard; he chops him into pieces and puts the pieces into his Bag of Holding, disguises his familiar as the Guard, kills the familiar in a manner similar to how he killed the Guard (causing it to disappear), and dumps all the pieces on the ground to make it look like his victim was trying to flee and got rightfully killed for resisting arrest.
• Batman Gambit: Elements of this. OP, out of character, told the DM he was attempting to lure out any assassins in order for the DM to allow his sneaking around to go on undisturbed. Not only that, but OP's act of murder was carried out in such a way that at the very least, it would cause a diplomatic incident that would unravel any political goodwill between the two factions.
• Be as Unhelpful as Possible: When the elves question the party about the Prince's murder, the Rumbling Brothers spend the whole time screwing with the interrogators. They weren't intentionally aiding OP's plan, they just hate elves as much as he does.
• Big Bad: OP. He organizes a series of murders in order to fuel a war and briefly muses about kidnapping a princess, although it never does go through. OP suspects that the DM was trying to turn him into this by introducing him to the Eye of Blight in order to get the party to kill him.
• Black-and-Grey Morality: Without mincing words, this is the story about a self-professed Jerkass derailing a tabletop game entirely out of petty spite for the Game Master. In any other story, the GM would be the victim for having their hard work disrupted by "Elfslayer" like this; however, because the GM is horrendously flawed and using the game to indulge her fetish for gay elves (and because OP harbors absolutely no illusions about his being an asshole), it ends up being a "Jerk vs. Jerk" story that can still be enjoyed.
• Calling Your Attacks: One of the tiefling swordsman's many Anime-inspired traits.
• Can't Argue with Elves: Elves look down on the human practice of resurrection because they, lacking human materialism, prefer to let their dead rest in peace. They don't execute criminals (they imprison them, banish them, or turn them into trees), nor do they have holding cells due to the low amount of elf crime. They are also extremely accommodating of homosexual behavior. It's pretty clear which race had the DM's favor.
• The Chessmaster: OP plays a very good game. By the end of the story, he's set it up so everyone thinks that the elf Guard Captain killed the human prince, and there's no way to link it back to him.
• Didn't Think This Through: The DM's Fatal Flaw. OP repeatedly notes how nearly all the flaws in her game and all the crap he gets away with are a direct result of her simply not putting much thought into her game/setting. For instance, trying to portray the Human Empire as an ultra-bigoted nation, yet also making it racially diverse and egalitarian so her players can play non-human races.
• Disproportionate Retribution: The thread theorized that the DM's reaction to the illusionist declining to participate in a homosexual threesome was to allow the half-orc to rape him in his sleep. It may have been an attempt to sabotage any bid for power the illusionist might make, though.
• Double Standard Rape: Female on Male: When interrogated regarding the party, the half-orc ranger states she carried OP's illusionist to his bed-chambers. When asked what she did then, she states honestly that she slept with the illusionist. Said illusionist was blind-drunk (and too weak to fight back even if sober) and not aware of having been laid until the interrogation. While jokes were made about the event, OP considers it somewhat creepy, especially after the DM just up and accepted it, seemingly because she thought it would "loosen him up".
• The Dragon: The half-orc. She is the only one who is both active in the illusionist's plans and helps them come to fruition. She even goes above and beyond to give herself an alibi for the murder.
• Elves vs. Dwarves: Elements of this come up with the dwarves' enjoyment of messing with the elven interrogation.
• Equal-Opportunity Evil: While the humans are presented as more vile than the elves, the human empire was made to accommodate the entire party. As such, dwarves, tieflings and half-orcs are confirmed to live within the kingdom.
• Establishing Character Moment: OP gets two: The very first sentence of the story is the line: "/tg/, I'm a dick." About a paragraph later, we realize that he was not bluffing about this when the Yaoi Fangirl DM tasks the party with returning the human prince (who's being nursed back to health by the elves) to his own kingdom, to keep the "evil human armies" from going to war to avenge the supposed death of their prince.
  OP: So I did the only thing I could. I murdered the human prince and framed his lover for the crime. That's where last week's session ended.
• Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: Possibly more Good Cannot Comprehend Evil, but the illusionist mentions that one of the DM's main problems is that she seems to have no idea why he's doing what he's doing, and keeps trying to tempt him with the power to destroy everything and wreck the world. If she grasped that he is a loyal servant of his nation, trying to uphold its honor and protect its best interests, she might have had better luck. Of course, if she could understand that, she probably would have just written a better plot and setting in the first place.
• Even Evil Has Standards:
  • When the DM tries to capitalize on OP's villainous behavior by offering him a powerful Artifact of Doom, expecting him to take it and become the new Big Bad, he buries it in the garden (using a shovel to move it without actually touching it) to keep anyone from using it. He is, after all, just trying to serve his kingdom, not go insane and try to destroy the world.
  • Even if OP is following the DM's assertions that Humans Are Bastards to the fullest extent, even he is mildly disturbed by the revelation that the female half-orc party member raped his character while said character was passed out drunk. Even if it did help establish an alibi and was joked about later, OP, whose was otherwise gleefully playing in character how "evil" humans were supposed to be, was more than just a little disturbed by that revelation when it came out.
• False Flag Operation: OP assumes that if the human kingdom is going to be invading the elves anyway, they might as well have a good justification for it, and consequently frames the Royal Guard for the murder of his lover, OP's own prince.
• Fair-Play Villain: The DM. Despite the OP doing everything in their power to wreck the campaign and seriously pissing her off in the process, the DM continues to play along and let things play out in reaction to the OP's character rather than pulling a Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies on them and just kicking them out. She even goes the extra mile by letting the OP have private sessions to keep things hidden from the other PCs.
• Forced Transformation: According to the DM, the worst criminals in the Elven society are turned into trees. There's a heavy implication that this would be OP's fate if the DM ever catches him.
• For the Evulz: Averted. While the DM assumes this to be the case (even offering an artifact that would offer destructive power), all actions taken by the illusionist are for the benefit of his nation.
• The Full Name Adventures: "Elfslayer" is the nickname OP eventually gives himself in order to make it easier for readers to find his posts.
• Generic Doomsday Villain: The DM and Weeaboo think that OP is this; that he's only derailing the campaign because he's just a big jerk and Munchkin. Their attempts to rein him in or punish him fail because they can't wrap their heads around his real motives, both in-character (to ensure the safety and security of his kingdom) and out (to make the game actually fun).
• Gone Horribly Right: The DM claims the humans are homophobic warmongers. Then OP decides that he won't be an exception, and furthermore, he'll be a very smart non-exception.
• Harmless Villain: The Tiefling/Weeaboo tries to be the Spanner in the Works for OP's Evil Plan, but is so incompetent at it that he mostly just ends up either incriminating himself or getting manipulated to further OP's goals.
• Hoist by His Own Petard: OP's justification for attacking the prince is that the war has been good for his kingdom's economy, which the DM has established in order to show humans being greedy, and in addition, his nation is homophobic, according to the DM, so OP wouldn't accept the prince being gay. Elven religion not being materialistic and making a point of letting the dead rest in peace (as the DM filibustered about) means that the prince cannot be raised from the dead, and finally, the DM commenting that elves have so little crime and therefore don't have holding cells allows OP to set up the scene for the Captain of the Guard's murder.
• Humans Are Bastards: Set up as background by the DM, played completely straight by OP.
• Humans Are the Real Monsters: Declared war on the elves after the elves supposedly killed their prince, and now are out to utterly destroy the elven forests and way of life. The job of the party was supposed to be bringing the prince back and stopping the war, but unfortunately for that plot, OP decided to be one of those real monsters.
• Karma Houdini: OP. As he clearly states to everyone, there is no in-game reason for anyone to suspect him of killing his prince, with most of his tricks used to shift suspicion onto the Captain of the Guards. The closest he comes to retribution is the tiefling, but everyone points out his accusations are, in the game, unfounded.
• Lethal Harmless Powers: OP's character is an Illusionist; a useless class for the sort of romantic adventure the DM has planned... but utterly devastating for the murder mystery that OP turns the game into.
• Lie Detector: There are spells in Dungeons & Dragons that can function as such, and you can imagine the DM uses it quite liberally. Unfortunately for the elves, the spells aren't perfect. The dwarves of the party decide to have a bit of fun with it: one twin is a Quirky Bard who has such a high Charisma stat that he can effortlessly fool the spell, but the other twin doesn't and can't. So they constantly spout outrageous lies (one twin makes up the lie, the other confirms it to be true) to give conflicting readings on the same statements, and not even to help OP, they just do it for laughs.
  OP: Dwarves just love making Elves suffer.
• Loophole Abuse: The DM tries this in order to catch OP and punish him for ruining her game without resorting to a fiat. For example, introducing the Eye of Blight: instead of trying to bust open OP's ironclad alibi and find evidence of his crimes in-universe, why not have him turn evil and give the rest of the party an excuse to kill him? Unfortunately for her, OP is way too smart to fall for such an obvious gimme.
• Manipulative Bastard: OP. Oh so much. How else would he manage to not only avoid blame for the prince's murder but successfully pin it on the prince's lover while appearing heroic?
• Manly Facial Hair: OP mentions that the Rumbling Brothers described the importance of beards in Dwarven society, with decorations holding specific meaning (such as beads to denote their children, braids as military rank badges) and the worst criminals being forced to shave their beards and scar their faces so they can never regrow them. Though it's not entirely clear how much of it is true (they change the story with each telling), several commenters praised the idea and declared that they wanted to adopt it the next time they played Dwarves.
• Master of Illusion: OP's Modus Operandi. Through disguises and technical truths, he is able to create a clean narrative that both gives him an alibi and can fool any witnesses. As an additional measure, his status as an illusionist is a secret in-game. He makes a point of having a non-illusion spell to match any illusion he has, which he uses more often publicly. Dude has all his bases covered.
• Meta Guy: The Tiefling, or Weeaboo as OP calls him, who constantly rails against OP both in character and out, and has a hard time keeping OOC knowledge (namely, that OP was the killer) out of the game.
• Nameless Narrative: With the sole exception of the Rumbling Brothers.
• No Ending: There's no real resolution to the plot; it just stops a short while after OP kills the Elf Guard Captain, though at that point he's gotten rid of both his target and any potential witnesses, and gotten clean away with the whole thing. His goal, to continue the war between elves and humans, has been accomplished.
• Off the Rails: If going by The Henderson Scale of Plot Derailment, it's a full Henderson. The actions of OP effectively caused the DM's plot to end after only one session, requiring finagling and finesse to try and get it back on track, all to no avail.
• Our Dwarves Are All the Same: Played with. While the dwarf brothers describe elaborate dwarf history about the cultural significance of different styles of beard (a braid can refer to a family or a military rank and a shaved beard typically refers to a criminal), the stories told vary with each telling. Amusingly, the dwarves are described as being twins.
• Our Elves Are Different: The elves in the campaign are standard D&D elves and eladrin, presented by the DM as peaceful and more culturally advanced than other races, are far more accepting of homosexual relationships, they have very little crime and they don't believe in disturbing the dead. They also appear to be xenophobic, since the human kingdom also houses half-orcs, tieflings and dwarves while the elf kingdom does not. According to OP, the elven culture was a mix of Eladrin and normal elves. The Human Prince's lover in particular was an Eladrin Swordmage.
• Out of Focus: OP notes that there was another human in the party, an artificer, but also notes that she barely did anything of note, hence why he only rarely acknowledges her existence in the text.
• Politically Incorrect Villain: The Human Empire is supposed to be this, with the DM going on about how repressive and homophobic they are. It falls flat when OP notices that the party sent by the empire is vastly more diverse than the elven kingdom is, thanks to the DM dumping everything she didn't care about there.
• Pragmatic Villainy: OP's illusionist character is motivated by what they consider best for the human empire, as well as what might provide a boost in personal power. Being led to believe that the war with the elves leads to a surge in patriotism, an economic boost and potential access to a great source of lumber, he endeavors to keep such a war going.
• Professional Butt-Kisser: The Weeaboo spends the whole game sucking up to the DM and trying to punish OP in her stead. He's so bad at it that he mostly just incriminates himself and makes OP's plans easier.
• Psycho Party Member: The Half-Orc Ranger, who helps OP pull off his master plan by raping him. Understandably, OP is conflicted about her being on his side.
• Rage Breaking Point: The tipping point for OP that sets him on his quest to derail the game comes when the DM tries to pressure him into a threesome with the Prince and Royal Guard, against his vocal objections.
• Railroading: Averted. OP notes (to the DM's credit) that she never resorted to forcing the players down a certain path or using a sudden out-of-nowhere death to punish OP. She places obvious traps and challenges targeted at him like the Eye of Blight, but never physically forces OP's character to fall into them.
• Reasonable Authority Figure: The GM, who, when faced with a player who goes wildly off the rails and takes the campaign in exactly the opposite of the desired direction... rolls with it and keeps going instead of throwing a snit fit and declaring Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies, as would be expected.
• Screw You, Elves!: The party's reaction to the elves.
• Shout-Out: The weeaboo's character is described as having "ripped off every anime half-demon he can find".
• Space-Filling Empire: The DM uses the Human Empire this way, dumping any races and cultures she doesn't care about (i.e., anything that's not elvish) into it, which ends up badly undermining her Humans Are Bastards tirades by making the humans look vastly more tolerant and racially diverse than the elves.
• Spanner in the Works:
  • The DM's plans for pretty much everything are unraveled because of OP's decision that he would not be an exception to the Humans Are Bastards themes of the campaign. The Weeaboo also tries to be this for OP, but he isn't quite up to snuff, and ends up implicating himself more than OP.
  • One of the commenters on the 4chan threads was accused of trying to be this in a meta sense, repeatedly asking for the DM's contact information (while claiming they just wanted to offer her storytelling advice). Either way, OP refused to give the info.
• Superior Species: Elves and Eladrin, according to the GM. Not only are they more in tune with nature and more peaceful, but they are far more accepting of homosexual relationships than other races in this story.
• Then Let Me Be Evil: In a game where Humans Are the Real Monsters according to the DM, OP decided to act in character. The result was OP's character acting with Pragmatic Villainy and making the campaign go Off the Rails.
• Those Two Guys: The dwarves, Bali and Baldin. They don't directly help with the gambit, but actively mess with the interrogators whenever possible. They would both tell the same story, using the one brother's high bluff skill and the other's abysmal skill to read the same story as both true and false.
• Token Good Teammate: Depending on your definition of "good", the swordmaster referred to as "the weeaboo" actively opposes the illusionist and tries to reveal his involvement, though he has no in-character reason to do so.
• Token Heroic Orc: Defied and deconstructed. The DM clearly expects OP and his party to be this for the human empire, but OP finds her moralizing and blatant Author Appeal so obnoxious that he decides to instead actually play like a member of an Always Chaotic Evil race.
• Unwanted Assistance: OP is understandably conflicted when the Half-Orc Ranger helps him get away with killing the Prince by raping him and using that as an alibi. He's even more disturbed by how the DM just casually lets it happen.
• Utopia: The Elven kingdom. It is peaceful, has very little crime (to the point where they don't have any prison infrastructure), is un-materialistic, egalitarian, and accepting of homosexuality. Interestingly enough, though, it appears to be rather speciesist when compared to the Human Kingdom. The Human Kingdom includes dwarves, tieflings, and half-orcs along with humans, but the Elven Kingdom only has elves and eladrin.
• Villain Protagonist: OP openly states how he's becoming the Big Bad, but fills the role of protagonist by virtue of being the storyteller and only character who knows, in character, exactly what's going on.
• Villain Respect: OP takes a moment to give the DM credit for trying to roll with the punches and punish him in-game, noting that she could have easily tried Railroading or pulling a Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies on OP; the DM did neither, keeping everything self-contained. This is in stark contrast to the Weeaboo, who seems incapable of keeping meta and in-game information separate.
• War Is Hell: But only for the elves, who are losing badly. For the humans, the war has revitalized the economy and brought about a surge of patriotism. Apparently this was put in so the DM could show how greedy the humans were, but it bit her in the arse when OP used the fact that the war was good for his kingdom as his motive for continuing it.
• Well-Intentioned Extremist: OP's in-universe reason for why he's continuing the war between humans and elves is it's for the good of his kingdom.
• What You Are in the Dark: Surprisingly, OP passes this test, of all people. When the DM presents him with a powerful Artifact of Doom that is clearly intended to tempt him into becoming the new Big Bad, he makes sure to avoid touching it and then buries it in the garden to keep anyone else from finding it and using it as a weapon.
• Xanatos Gambit: By the end, OP has more or less arranged things so that he wins no matter what the DM does. He's destroyed all possible methods of proving his guilt, killed or framed everyone who suspected him, gotten most of the party on his side, and even if he were somehow caught, the war between humans and elves is almost certain to continue just as he planned.
• Xanatos Speed Chess: What the game quickly turns into. Every time the DM and her lackey try to hinder OP, he finds some crazy new way to spin it in his own favor.
• Yaoi Fangirl: The DM. Beyond the core plot of the intended campaign focusing on a homosexual romance, the couple tried (and failed) to rope the OP into a threesome.

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