"Since Nariko wasn't quite finished expressing her death wish, she then cut the support ropes that held up the big stone erection and rode it down to the ground, where it collapsed upon a bunch of soldiers who were doing manly things like arm wrestling and grunting, and if you're seeing a sort of Freudian motif going on here, then rest assured you're not the only one."
(If you did buy Psychonauts, please disregard the preceding.)
Yahtzee’s description of the game’s Love It or Hate It status: "Psychonauts seems like a rather polarizing game in that some people seem to think it's the kind of thing Jesus would make if he was alive and wasn't a pussy and some other people feel it's a chunky vomit milkshake severely overhyped by the people in party A."
Before that, his musings on playing the original Tomb Raider as a kid:
Yahtzee: It kind of takes me back to when I was fifteen and playing the original Tomb Raider and I'd back her up into a corner to get the best viewnote arrow points at her chest of her juicy—thighsnote arrow points at her thighs. (Caption reading "Phew, That Was a Close One" pops up)
It's hard to catch, but in the review he claims the game "only stands out in the area of juvenile gore", illustrated with a graph that asserts that Barbie Horse Riding has over twice as much hardcore violence as Resistance: Fall of Man.
Yahtzee's "No, and go fuck yourself, you ignorant scaremongering cockbags!" being captioned as "No, and I consider your argument misinformed."
Describing the companion AI as "Pants-on-head retarded", complete with image of companion wearing pants on head.
"Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad."
The Orange Box
"It's short, it's cheap, and it comes with lots of fun extras, not unlike yer mum."
Comparing Half Life 2: Episode Two's use of Remember the New Guy to "coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the dinner table, and you're the only one who seems to notice."
More potatoes, Uncle Tusky?
Comparing playing a Sniper in Team Fortress 2 to playing an adventure game where "the only puzzle is 'Use GUN on MAN'."
Admitting that he can't find any serious problems with Portal: "This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent a force-feedback codpiece."
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
"The Hero called "Link" on the few occasions I'm mature enough not to abuse the "Enter Name" feature, and "Fagballs" on all the others."
"Also sometimes I like to name him 'I Say' so that everyone sounds like Foghorn Leghorn."
"Also, you have one second to name any game in which weapon degradation has been a good idea. (beat) Time's up. That's what I thought! There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or chocolate."
Yahtzee wonders where Travis found a body warmer that was spacious enough to store 18 portable TVs. Cue a animation of pile of TVs falling out of Travis' west and him hastely stating "I don't know how they got in there, officer!"
"But it's impossible to care about [Travis] because A) he's a breathtaking nonentity with all the emotion of a polystyrene block, and B) there's no reason for him to be in the town at all. There's no missing wife or daughter keeping him motivated; the only conceivable reason for not turning on his heel and fleeing with nary a backward glance or stop at the gift shop is sheer determined retardation."
"Okay, now I just have to figure out if that was a man or a woman..."
"You might say it's sexist to treat women like a baseball card collecting mini-game, so you can ogle their luscious rounded boobies and melt away between their smooth milky thighsas the sweat runs in rivulets from their writhing, sensuous bodies, but...sorry, I forgot where I was going with that."
When Yahtzee describes Call of Duty's deconstruction of typical war tropes he says it is what elevates Call of Duty 4 from average to excellent, before clarifying that the word excellent shouldn't just be tossed around and even so it doesn't rank far on the scale of other excellent things, where Call of Duty is on the far left, Portal is to the right, and at the very end of the scale there is a picture of Jesus Christ.
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune
The drawing of Nathan Drake juggling a torch, a chainsaw, and a baby. The next frame shows the baby and chainsaw on the floor, along with some blood, covered up by a black censor box that says "THE BABY IS FINETHE BABY IS OKAY."
"I didn't [find the voice acting] all that annoying, but my roommate said it was like having his ear canals raped by a man wearing a sandpaper condom. Not in those exact words, obviously."
Yahtzee continuing to get Zack and Wiki's names wrong (intentionally), eventually ending up calling them "Whack and Sticky".
Condemned 2: Bloodshot
Yahtzee trying to pour in the Paranoia Fuel into your brain by telling you there is a serial killer living under you bed at this very moment, but "don't look or that'll really piss him off!" And his utter bemusement at the ending of the game:
"Condemned: Bloodshot, by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the Combine would throw together if they were all drunk, and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. I wish I was fucking kidding.
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Yahtzee mentioning that he bought the game illegally (from Gametraders Robina) due to it not being officially released in Australia. He then went on to name the store he bought it from (Gametraders Robina) over and over again, the final time (Gametraders Robina) actually giving the exact address of the store.
"Every now and again, the planets would align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a JRPG, God no - it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ."
"My only previous experience with The Elder Scrolls series was a brief spell of Morrowind during the previous planetary alignment, in which I ran around some muddy countryside in the rain for a few hours fending off weird sub-human creatures. So basically it was just like GlastonburyFestival."
Yahtzee's explanation for why he thinks the Player Character was in jail in the first place - for shagging the Emperor's wife and daughter at the same time, while playing a guitar solo on the corpse of God.
Metal Gear Solid 4
After describing Snake and Otacon's relationship: "That oozing sound you just heard was all the world's homoerotic fanfiction writers simultaneously emitting torrents of hot lady-spunk." At which point the screen reads "THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT."
Also for the genuinely batshit plot of the Metal Gear series:
"Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother, who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of OH CHRIST I CAN'T GO ON THIS SHIT IS BANANAS" ([Image of a turd] = [Image of a banana] )
"... I thought I'd better go undercover, drill holes into my head until I'm mentally twelve years old, and try out the new flippity gombo spletch."
Alone in the Dark
The B Roll Rebus for the phrase "terrible execution" involves a guy stuck in a guillotine backwards so that his feet are about to be chopped off.
The "Terry vs Gonad" sequence.
The bit about the female sidekick, Sarah Flores:
Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up. (The accompanying animation depicts the game prompt first saying "Press X to Not Die" before turning into "You going to Press X or What", as Edward casually sits around in a chair and ignores both the prompt and Sarah.)
If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch, you do not stick around for the pudding.
Summing up the Excuse Plot: demons over there, kill they ass.
Prince Of Persia Retrospective
The "Don't stick your dick in a pudding" metaphor.
(summing up Warrior Within) It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding and you can spend all afterrnon explaining that to people but no one's still going to eat it because YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT!
"There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when Ivy from Soul Calibur's pants ride up, which are perfectly natural for growing young men."
On the fear of Always a Bigger Fish, one of his complaints about Mercenaries 2: "So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a giant robot crab on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab at the end of it all."
The immortal line: "Forgiveness, however, isn't a strong point of mine, so I'll just conclude by saying that Mercenaries 2 can eat a dick pavlova."
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky
Yahtzee always refers to the game by spelling out the letters in "S.T.A.L.K.E.R.", i.e. "Ess-Tee-Ay-Ell-Kay-Ee-Ar: Clear Sky".
"You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus. But I'll tell you the worst part worst part worst part worst part worst part *System error*And whistled for a baboon!"
This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If problems persist, sing gentle lullabies and lovingly stroke its hair.
Also, "Lying prone only lowers your eye level another inch or so, so your character is either extremely fat or uncomfortably well-endowed."
When he illustrates the difficulty settings with pictures of a kitten, a bigger kitten, a tiger, and then for the hardest setting he shows a picture of fursuited guy. With all the former ones terrified!
"This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition." (Illustrated by Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker suddenly interrupting during their climatic lightsaber duel to put on cowboy-hats and start dancing) "We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about."
It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone Silent Hill movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Sean Bean doing something totally fucking irrelevant. (Slide with Sean Bean playing with a paper airplane)
Yahtzee's repurposed title for the game: "The Adventures of Captain Scowlyface (and his Angsty Little Pal)"
"If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible height and hurl themselves out onto an old lady."
"Pure, mindless fun, like wrestling an excitable dog in a paddling pool full of disembodied breasts. [beat] Don't think too much about that simile, I certainly didn't."
How he ends the review, claiming that the developers distract players from the game's flaws by going "Ooooh wook, it's a doggy! Mash up his widdle face and call him Chips."
At the end of his paragraph decrying the excessive use of bloom effects, Yahtzee says the last two sentences in a tone that is matter-of-fact yet filled to the brim with weary resignation mixed with mild disgust. The way it caps the Bathos of the bit turns it into comic gold.
"So he did. And then he ate his own shoes."
Left 4 Dead
"...but the repetition is eased by the so-called AI Director, an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the point when you need it and a billion zombies whenever he’s bored; which is all the time. "
Tomb Raider Underworld
"Innovation is to this franchise what a double cheeseburger would be to a lactose-intolerant Hindu!"
And the image of vampire Lara recoiling and hissing at the sight of the double cheeseburger.
They've got so much in common: they both have an embarrassing amount of adventures that all follow an extremely specific formula; they both have an irresistible compulsion to murder God's creatures; they've both spent a lot of time underground; and most importantly neither of them will ever JUST FUCKING DIE!"
During the same review: "It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild only for it to bewilderedly sit among daisies for several hours before a predator [the predator being Bear Grylls] comes along and bites its entire body off."
Little Big Planet
"There's a very in-depth level designer built in, with a host of tutorials you'll be tempted to go through just to have Stephen Fry tonguing your coc....hleah for hours on end"
Topped during the middle of the video when he "finishes" the review.
Thief: The Dark Project
The "masterfully executed Link", with accompanying visual gag, was an almost painfully hilarious Lampshaded segue.
Yahtzee: Fittingly it's totally retro with the entirety of the controls being little more than "press B to shoot" and "don't press B to not shoot". [Bowser demonstrates by repeatedly smashing his nose into the button on the machine until he falls onto his back having bloodied his face and knocked himself out, with the game then telling him "You need to shoot some more."
"Remove your presumptions and we find ourself playing a game about an extremely rich man (who wears two hats for no adequate reason) destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself. Presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is."
The credits blurb about the game being the story about how 50 Cent destabilized the Middle East and thereby caused the events of Modern Warfare series.
Resident Evil 5
"It's like watching someone beat their fists against a wall and run off to hospital only to do it some more. And they used my medical insurance. And it's my wall."
Which is just a small part of Yahtzee's hilarious rant about the Artificial Stupidity of his NPC sidekick.
"One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb. And when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere!"
"If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor!" Queue a picture of Chris screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" while he falls through infinite recurring armors.
"But let's close this review with a revisit of that lovely matter of racism that's been hanging around like a bad smell. RE5 actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black (a bit), quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. And then...! Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears. Oh, dears!Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge. But one needn't be worried unless there's genuine hatred behind it, and I don't get that impression. Capcomaren't bad people, they're just idiots!"
The Stinger of the review. The imps discuss how tasty Pedigree Dog Food is. Yahtzee is not amused.
[About his hostage units on Escort Mission disappearing after the timer runs out] "We lost contact!" went the character... BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. (the words "WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS." appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by waggling our eyebrows at each other! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their Battle Royale collars explode!? Did they lose honor and disembowel themselves? WHAT?! And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? Absolutely bloody no one! Generic faceless pricks of the sort I'd vat-grown about fifty of that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the whole fucking mission again! As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, FUCK! THAT!
It becomes about a million times more funny when you realise that this is the first — and likely only — time that Yahtzee has sounded seriously legitimately angry. Not jokey-acting anger, serious, honest to god "WHAT THE FUCK" anger. And it's beautiful.
Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.
During the review he illustrates the enemy PMC attacking Washington. Then the giant, bug-eyed Uncle Sam pops up behind them with a giant "OI!" beside him.
Also "I know that drama demands that the enemy actually be a plausible threat, but I still think it'd have been more credible if the enemy had been an army of disgruntled insect people from the Earth's core (fivesecondpause)... WEARING SILLY HATS."
Another one of his odd metaphors crops up - "As the leper said to his mistress, 'Where's the bloody point?'"
His summarized feelings for JRPGs:
"If you're new to this series, let me briefly summarize my feelings towards JRPGs: UUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH RRRRAEEEEEEEUUUUUHHHH and every single one of them is about androgynous twelve-year-olds killing Satan."
The major changes the game goes through as it progresses:
Yahtzee: I started the game first-person shooting at terrorists in a military complex, then four or five hours later I was in a restaurant on the Moon making ravioli for an incoming alien wedding party. And I honestly couldn’t tell you where any significant changes occurred in the intervening time!
Even better, in the accompanying visuals, you can see a sign that reads "CONGRATULATIONS VL'HURG AND STEVE". In fact, it provides the page image for Aerith and Bob.
The "fake" screenshots and trailers for the game:
Yahtzee: But what really boggles my mind is the sheer amount of effort that went into the fake screenshots and trailers that were released throughout development to give the false impression that the game was an utterly generic brown FPS that any competent studio could have farted out in a year or two, and that the entire team were time-wasting cock sections with the work ethic of an overweight house cat with no legs.
Every single part of Yahtzee praising the game's control scheme:
Yahtzee: Every single mode of gameplay in this extravaganza is controlled through an intuitive full body interface. You move Duke’s arms with the analog sticks and his legs with the shoulder buttons. So to walk forward you alternate pressing L1 and R1 and you’d be amazed how immersive that gets after a while. The buttons are used for facial expressions, so you press X to move your mouth, Triangle to pick your nose, and Square and Circle to wiggle your ears. These are all mostly used to endear yourself to the many rascally children you have to befriend, but they’re also used for problem solving, such as at the point where Duke is strapped to an operating table and needs to activate a crossbow someone left next to his head. Also for the first ten minutes or so you can also use the SIXAXIS to rotate Duke’s neck, but then there’s a hilarious fourth wall breaking sequence where Duke bursts into the lead designer’s office and punches him in the stomach for being so fucking stupid.
The game's dolphin races, which are portrayed on screen through an image of Duke racing a bazooka-wielding Adolf Hitler through the seas on dolphins. And Hitler's dolphin even has a Swastika!
It becomes even more apparent in the next section:
Yahtzee: My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on 14 DVDs. But I’d expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display! And a good thing too, I mean hypothetically if 3D Realms hadn’t used the time to put together a titanic super game and had been merely jerking off for twelve years then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys but there are also investors, who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people, who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade, while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they’ve never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining then a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people, who still genuinely believe that something half decent could come out of this rigmarole, would say “That’s tragic!” NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC! If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn’t do, that's not tragic, that's how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by social services!
The best part is that when he mentions getting paid to do a job you didn't do, the visuals show The Escapist's logo walking up to Yahtzee, showing him a piece of paper that reads "CONTRACT: REVIEW ACTUAL GAMESTHAT EXIST'' and then taking away Yahtzee's desk.
And then the credits show him and Jimi Hendix riding seahorses under the sea, Kimi Hendrix putting on an underwater performance and then getting blown up from a missile launched from a Yellow Submarine.
What's even better is that he continues doing that over the end credits music, even attempting to keep with the tune.
"Bayonetta! As in 'Hey, yo' betta not play this game-' OH, FUCK YOU!"
When comparing the two protagonists: "I had to laugh at a moment when I was on a mission, plowing a tank through a crowded street, and over the agonized screams, Alex said: "Gawrsh, I sure hope this is the right thing to do!" It's like if Mr. Bean were a mass murderer."
"A sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and Cole has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and fly, like emo Peter Pan." ("THINK WHINY THOUGHTS")
The Sims 3
"This may sound a bit hysterical, but The Sims 3 is probably the most evil game in the world."
At the beginning he says he's reviewing this game because Ghostbusters: The Video Game, which he'd rather be reviewing, hasn't been released in Australia yet.
"My future self will probably be playing it by the time this video goes out, but fuck my future self, he's got something against me ever since he started putting on weight." [Present!Yahtzee starts eating a doughnut roughly a quarter the size of his body, causing the gut of Future!Yahtzee to jut out, much to the latter's dismay.]
Also from the Arkham Asylum video, at 1:58 of the review, he shows Batman pouncing on and killing a mother cat - complete with mourning kittens.
"Another tool in Batman's arse...enal is the Detective Vision; I guess you can't call it 'Bat-Vision', then it'd be a black screen."
"...But as I tapped the block to break it, it shifted slightly, and I clicked the background and fuck, it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do do that. He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a cloud when he grew up."
"Scribblenauts comes to us from 5th Cell Media, a bunch of work-shy cheaters whose most notable previous title is Drawn to Life, a game so unfinished that the player had to do half the art design themselves [...] After Drawn to Life they wanted to prove they're not above drawing stuff themselves, so they drew every single object on Earth. Talk about overcompensating!"
There is one particular hilarious line.
"The main character is Rubi, a tomboyish assassin who is about as likeable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform."
"She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather dim."
The utter lampooning of terrible gaming ideas scattered throughout Wet's design through use of the game programmer "Pillock," who does everything to please the octopus in his brain, and causes his boss to be Driven to Suicide.
Not entirely random—just the scene prior his avatar had been saying "Out, out!" to a horrible mental image as Yahtzee-as-narrator described 'another bizarre bit,' and apparently between those two something in the handheld obliged him in the most hilarious way possible.
"...unless you're some kind of recently unfrozen neanderthal and this is your first experience with electronic media, in which case: RARRGH! Submit your soul to the one-eyed demon!"
Dragon Age: Origins
"I'd like to see a Tolkienesque fantasy where the humans aren't the biggest pricks in the room. I mean, a lot of my friends are humans, and some of them are all right."
"HELLO, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE."
Assassin’s Creed II
The episode starts with Yahtzee's mangling of a saying familiar to Europeans (and Hetalia fans):
The game's fast-travel system, here depicted as Ezio being shot out of a cannon.
Describing a boss fight with what he describes as a giant cow pat: "Anyway, I eventually managed to return the monster to cow pat hell..." (showing him Golf Clubbing the cow pat followed by it landing next to a sign saying "Welcome to Sussex".)
"Oh, what the fuck are you doing here? It's Christmas, haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday."
"... That's summer holiday, by the way. Hope that northern hemisphere's weather's working out for you."
Awards for 2009
"The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die";
"[After explaining why he does not give the award to Mario] -so instead I'm giving it to Michael Atkinson; a south-Australian Attorney-General who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored, and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation AND the world, every second of every day. Well done, you miserable old fuck"
If I were War and I just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped it in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling. I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone just see that!? I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!"
I don't think [borrowing from Legend of Zelda]'s the case, thought. To say Darksiders "borrows heavily" implies they did some work of their own. A better phrase would be "Completely Rips-Off with about much shame and emotion as the fucking Borg collective"! I appreciate that taking elements from a good game that work well and play around with menu scenarios isn't a bad way to design games, but when you have a boomerang that can hit multiple targets, a grappling hook that pulls you to climbable walls, and puzzle dungeon about deflecting beams of light with movable mirrors, we've moved from simple "homage" to the territory of "spraying a stolen car and re-selling it to the owner"! Thankfully the last dungeon introduces a gadget that has never been in a Zelda game: A gun that opens blue and orange portals! ... Outstanding.
"...The main character looks like someone sat down, started drawing him, and then never fucking stopped. [...] What War looks like is a fucking coral reef on legs."
"Here are the combos you will need to know to master Darksiders: the Chump Chop ('Square'), the Double Chump Chop ('Square'+'Square'), and the Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha ('Square'+'Square'+'Square')."
His mental breakdowns over the utterly complex plots of the game in question and, get this, Pac-Man.
Eat pills, avoid ghosts... only sometimes you can eat the ghosts as well if you-AUGH!
Speaking of Bayonetta, his British 'immunity' to her.
"Fortunately, being English, and therefore utterly repulsed by the slightest sexual urge of myself and everyone around me, I am immune from any callous attempt to touch my heart via my wrinkly undercarriage, and Bayonetta looks about as sexy to me as a pencil stuck through a couple of grapes."
Dark Void is "a game that ran out of something. Maybe it was money, or time, or willnote Will Smith's face, or employees, or maybe a giant monster frog demolished their studio while battling Godzilla."
"Dark Void started off pretty rocky, but between the rocks I caught a glimpse of something beautiful with cleavage that could hold up a fucking Christmas tree. But once I'd caught up with it and we'd started making out, all its teeth fell into my mouth and gave me scurvy."
"'So what's the point of having two different experience levels?' you ask. 'Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night,' I say. 'Why's that?' you ask. 'IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!'"
"Grr, your selfless compassion fills me with murder frenzy!" and his comments about how playing as a Big Daddy is a bit like "making a sequel to Half-Life where you get to play as a gun turret." Complete with a diagram of the controls.
"Aliens vs. Predator is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants."
"Aliens take over facility, Marines get sent in to take care of it the same way that bits of bread get sent into ponds to take care of the ducks. And there's inevitably some stupid, evil business/military guy who wants to harness the Aliens, and the more times this happens the more evil and stupid they get: 'Okay, so the last 60 evil, stupid guys who tried to control the Aliens all got their brains spread on cream crackers and served as canapes at the Alien hoedown, but I think their problem was just not being evil and stupid enough'"
Concerning combat against Aliens while controlling a Predator:
It plays like a hack'n'slasher that was designed by a pilchard. (Picture shows a exasperated pilchard at a computer saying FUCK YES).
Battlefield: Bad Company 2
He actually mentions Haggard's Truck-o-saurus Rex from the first game in it.
His description of the game also warrants a mention: "Modern Warfare Modern Warfare click click jabber jabber hello bang dead"
Final Fantasy XIII
"As a highly respected and successful game critic—SHUT UP, I AM!"
"So far, I've established that the two lead-ish characters are named Lightning and Snow, which are both things that could ruin a picnic. There's also another guy called Hope, as in, 'I Hope we can get these sandwiches back in the car before any Snow or Lightning happens.'"
"Shuttered Mammaries is technically a remake of Silent Hill 1, in the same way a dog biting off your dick is technically foreplay." With animation of a dog tugging on a long black bar protruding from Yahtzee's crotch with the word "YUM" written on it while Yahtzee stands there doing nothing except for widening his eyes, the dog finally separating it from his body and walking away with it leaving a trail of blood, and Yahtzee staring after the dog with a big heart floating over his head.
Shuttered Mammaries gives you a psychological analysis based on your playing choices [caption: YOU'RE A PRICK] and told Yatzee he was "fastidiously clean and tidy" (besides trying hard to ignore the rubbish piling up in the kitchen), "family-oriented" (living on the other side of the world from them and never writing) and "possibly crap in bed". "[Beat] ...moving on..."
"And some of the characters wear different clothes. I don't find that red dress particularly intimidating, but - oh fuck, a pink dress, shit's gettin' real!"
His description of the blue-tinted Dark World resembling "the night God drank his Slurpee too fast" accompanied by an image of God clutching his head in agony and screaming "FUCK" had this troper in stitches.
"Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, 'Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. Fuck that, let's go shoot at him!'"
"Before the game tells you his name it asks you if you can come up with a better one, and thus began the adventures of Twattycake, defender of the innocent."
Dead to Rights: Retribution
"In case you never played the first game here's a Dead To Rights Recap: BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH WOOF!"
"Let's just hope it doesn't end up Dead To Rights: Retarded. That would be Dead To Rights: Regrettable."
"But I guess calling it "Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to Be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of"... oh fuck it, let's just call it: "You Bastard"."
"You can play the game with the Wii-mote and nunchuk in the same way you can technically compete in a fencing competition using only your erect penis." (complete with the image of a guy's "DADDY" cut off by said fencing opponent.)
Alan Wake has a side-quest where you collect pages of manuscript about the story you're currently playing. Alan picks up one which reads "Then Alan was savaged by the biggest and most sexually frustrated bear that has ever lived." The bear then appears behind him with a big censor bar on its crotch reading "GENTLE BEN!"
Red Dead Redemption
" Sometimes NPCs will get caught in weird quantum singularities, and flicker in and out of a parallel universe where men have merged with horses. Sometimes John's walk animation fails, and he glides merrily around like he's on rocket skates. At one point his love of his country got the better of him, and I had to reboot, to stop him humping a mountain."
[...] the plot of many Mario games can be enlivened somewhat by assuming that "cake" is the Mushroom Kingdom word for "sex"; The Princess invites Mario over for some... cake, but Bowser kidnaps her so she can make some... cake for him instead, only now he's five hundred feet tall and emperor of the universe, so she'd better make sure her "cake" is spread quite wide.
The text adventure bit.
You are a greasy Italian spaz standing on a platform unsupported in the yawning void of space. What now? >DIE OF ASPHYXIATION You can't do that (somehow). What now? >JUMP You jump, emitting a hearty vocalization like a flamboyant homosexual being goosed while breathing helium. >AGAIN
The bit about the online multiplayer: "Joining random online games is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum."
About driving games in general: "I like them, but I'm terrible at them. It's the exact opposite of the problem I have with fellatio."
Driving in real life: "I doubt things would be easier to get around if I was six feet wide and constantly farting carbon monoxide. I don't know how your mum does it."
The early proto-man, working on the wheel and threatened by woolly mammoths; "Yes, life was tough in Thatcher's Britain."
Transformers: War For Cybertron
At the end:
"There, you may now e-mail me to explain in close detail how the death of Optimus Prime was your generation's Othello."
Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days
On the game's cameraman: "And when you try sprinting, Christ! It's like his kneecaps have been replaced with slinkies!"
The accompanying illustrations depicting an In-Universe Camera named "Brian" who eagerly runs around behind the titular duo, and Kane telling Lynch to "Just pretend that he's not here."
His remark at the very end of the review was also incredibly funny, especially when you start to hear his voice develop a rather serious growl to it, like Yahtzee was slipping out of his ZP persona and delivering a criticism of the game out-of-character while at the same time sounding like he was shouting the line.
"Kane and Lynch 2 sucks so many dicks that it now breathes spunkinstead of air!!"
"We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a knobbing, but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?!" Accompanied by a female imp in bed next to Yahtzee visibly freaking out when he produces a syringe as big as his entire body and jabs it into his eye.
"They were going to call it Quest for the Sausage Fountain, but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out."
Every mention of "fast whores" is accompanied by a female imp flying about at high speed.
The various comparisons of the gameplay to a boring office jobs, such as "filing bullets under faces".
Metroid: Other M
While talking about the development team, Team Ninja: "...Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball, or, as it's sometimes known, BOING!"
On a more meta note: "On a educated guess, though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache" becomes much funnier when said character is the most likely one to be The Mole.
Amnesia: The Dark Descent
The 3 types of horror games:
Yahtzee: You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First, there's the kind where you're in a dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going "abloogy woogy woo" - that would be your Doom 3. Then there's the kind where the guy in the spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's going to go "abloogy woogy woo" at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't want to turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye - that would be your Silent Hill 2. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes "abloogy woogy woo" while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room before walking slowly over to you plucking a violin and then slapping you in the face with a t-bone steak - that would be your Dead Space.
Yahtzee: [The Dark Descent] has actually got pacing, unlike Dead Space, where all the monsters are so fucking thrilled to be working, they fight each other for screen time.
His description of his thought process during his first scary moment:
Yahtzee: Dum-de-dum. Well, this isn't very scary. Oh look, physics! I can throw chairs about like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-o-rama! I guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play Halo: Reach for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here either, I'll just go back and— whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead— Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around an— WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?Augh runrunrunrunrun I'm sorry I didn't mean to mess up your chairs— OH PISSING BLIMEYTHERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!
Also, this gem:
Yahtzee: The entire backstory is neatly encapsulated in the title - you have amnesia, that old video game storytelling chestnut. [Yahtzee's avatar is lying in a hospital bed with a doctor consulting a chart.] If adventure games were a medical condition, the first symptom would be amnesia, and the second would be kleptomania. [Yahtzee makes off with the bed.]
Regarding the sanity meter:
Yahtzee: [Amnesia: The Dark Decent] implements a sanity meter, as if sanity is like diesel oil or something and you can get a reading on it by sticking a dipstick in your ear. And as so often the case, the main effect of losing your sanity is that the screen goes all blurry and weird, as if the first thing anyone does when they go insane is lose their contact lenses. Hanging around in the scary darkness depletes sanity because apparently we're five years old, but staying in the light makes it easier for monsters to see you, creating a toss-up between not getting a headache from wibbly-wobbly camera filters and not being murdered.
CATCH THE FUCKING EGG!
He closes it out by calling the game a good constipation aid.
"The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain. What the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character gets thrillingly and climactically gets a little bit hot?"
Yahtzee's opening rant about Halo's lack of seat belts.
"...wondering if one could improve every Castlevania game by replacing Dracula with the Count from Sesame Street, though probably not Symphony of the Night because you'd have to rename Alucard "Teerts Emases Morf Tnuoc Eht"
The joke comes back again in the credits, reading:
"So while Journey to the West was about an arrogant monkey king who is forced to learn discipline by escorting a Buddhist monk on a pilgrimage, Enslaved is about a bloke slapping robots in the dick. But his name is Monkey, so that's alright then."
Fallout: New Vegas
"This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".
"Woke up in a doctor's office with some guy telling me I've been shot in the head and may have suffered brain damage, but I've learned not to trust the opinion of giant, mustachioed spider-people; so I made my excuses and left."
His descriptions of his misadventures in the Mojave.
"So after loading myself down with other people's packed lunches, I set off on the North road with a song in my heart, and was immediately eaten by giant killer flies."
Call of Duty: Black Ops
His impression of the game's frenzied pacing, akin to a nagging housewife.
"Another opportunity for the Call of Duty franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go PHWOAR!"
The beginning and end of the review feature several countries personified as people, including America, Russia, China, the UK and Switzerland. Axis Powers Hetalia references in the comments section were unavoidable.
Likewise, Yahtzee's analogy that all the "Modern Warfare"-esque shooters is a sign the United States craves a world war is on par with all the erotic fanfiction by a virgin nerd is a sign that they're trying to say "I Need To Get Laid".
On the game Fruit Ninja: "You're a ninja, fruit is flying in front of you and fuck fruit. Sitting around all smug, on trees and in pies."
Early in his review, he laments that "so much of triple-A gaming these days is endless sequels, ripoffs and wank". The accompanying visuals give an example of a sequel (Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days), a ripoff (Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days) and some wank (Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days).
Telling us what making a game for the iPhone involves versus what making a game for the Wii involves in terms of exactly how badly the developer gets violated, the accompanying visuals, and the first picture of Yahtzee back at his desk afterwards.
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
"I don't want play the same game over and over, I get enough dull repetition in my sex life." Caption: "It's always the bloody nipple clamps with you, isn't it".
His entire rant on adulthood in the Splatterhouse review.
"Isn't being an adult great? You can go on all the fairground rides, drink yourself to death, and stick your dick in all kinds of magical things! Sometimes I like going to hospitals for terminally ill children and just rubbing it in."
At the beginning he goes into this Heroic BSOD about park mascots trying to sexually abuse him.
"And why do you think every other console controller has two analog sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry? Or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class: If you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you!" All combined with a picture of a camera stabbing Yahtzee in the eye shouting, "Death to the Aristos!"
Interestingly, yes, originally the Dual Shock did have two sticks just for symmetry, though he's referring to the current generation's controllers so the joke still stands.
Top 5 of 2010
The top/bottom of 2010 had such counters as "Jumping off a rainbow onto someone you hate" (second best) "Weedkiller Martini" (third worst) and "Mistaking a deep fat fryer for an eyewash station" (second worst).
After awarding his Worst Game of the Year award to Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days:
"Step onto your first-place podium, then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away."
The Brisbane floods, where "the sandbag fairy had visited all the good little shops", and the visual puns that follow.
"With Fisher-Price Shoggoths scratching at the walls, I decided the sensible, level-headed thing to do was to tunnel down into the centre of the Earth".
"Ohh, shit. When did I become my dad?"
"Why did it get so dark all of a sudden? What's that rustling sound? Why are my intestines over there now?"
"Christ, it's like Zelda meets There Will Be Blood!" (with picture of Link being chased by Daniel Plainview wielding a bowling pin)
"One: Do not rely on fire to clear away your forests unless you want your gameworld to look like the Vietnam War."
"But as I was trying to think of something to do with all these rocks, I noticed a nearby mountain, and thought 'You know what that's crying out for? A Skull Fortress! With flaming towers and eyes that weep lava (because he's depressed by all the kamikaze shrubs).'"
Creepers: "It's like their only reason to live is to ruin other people's artwork. There but for the grace of God go I, suicide hedge!" Illustration: Yahtzee running at Fable III with explosives strapped to his body.
His entire rant about the appeal of building anything with his example being a golden giant cock and balls.
"If you can just clap your hands and summon fifty explosive barrels to pile ragdolls around, the spectacle is about as fulfilling as eating your own snot."
A Shadow's Tale
"...this is the permanent mental state of most adult male nerds in any situation more sociable than jerking off with a hand-puppet. The Ur Example of this subgenre, as in 'Er, what are you doing with that hand-puppet?' would be Ico, also known as I. C. O. if you're WRONG!"
Dead Space 2
Dead Space 2 ramps up the poignancy of the slaughter by initially setting it in children's classrooms full of "blood-stained crayon drawings reading 'I love Mummy and being alive'."
"It's set in space, the best setting besides the land of chocolate lesbians."
"...that's the game Wet and the game Wolverine, not a game about a wet wolverine, NO SUCH THING EXISTS!"
DC Universe Online
His overly long anal ogy about how reading comics are like bowel movements. Just go look at it.
"I did check, and it is extremely possible to make a Mii who has what looks like a cock for a face. It's equally possible to name him 'Senor Koquonfaes' (pronounced "Cock-on-face") and make him your street pass ambassador who greets every 3DS owner in the vicinity with the phrase 'I'M WATCHING YOU' in block capitals. Then all you have to do is walk past the primary school and listen for the losses of innocence."
Discussing the console's version of Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory and its "slapdash 3Difying":
"I refuse to believe that no one at Ubisoft QA put their hand up at any point and said: 'Hey, isn't the sky supposed to be behind the sea?'"
The 3DSes of Yahtzee and his friend's don't recognize each other, making him assume that the other 3DS "just didn't want to associate with riffraff" because it had more Streetpass hits than his. Complete with the friend's 3DS turning its nose at Yahtzee's while wearing a top hat and holding a cane.
"COME ON IN! TAKE OFF YOUR COATS! HAVE A SEAT! Not in the big chair. I'm going to sit in that and gloat at you. (How about them Nintendogs, eh?)"
The Credits Gag at the end of the review, set up at the start with "Early on in the series of increasing lucky breaks I'd hesitate to call a career..."
Well, that was a good career I almost had there.
Yahtzee's history with the original Portal makes him a little hesitant to release a definitive statement on the sequel's quality. The result is almost two minutes of increasingly convoluted metaphors, until:
"Portal 1 was a big delicious jam doughnut with cream on top, and Portal 2 is a big Cornish pasty with chocolate in one half and shepard's pie in the other, and- LOOK AT ME DANCING AROUND THE ISSUE. DANCEY, DANCEY, LA-DI-DAH"
His description of the enemy variety: "Utterly nutterly butterly."
"And if you're playing the XBLA version, on a widescreen TV, there'll be massive big pictures of Alucard and Dracula either side of the screen glaring at each other for the whole game like both are waiting for the other to own up to eating all of Mrs. Dracula's pies."
Commenting that the X-ray attacks indicate your character had a skeleton for a stepfather and they have some issues to work out. Said skeleton wears a hat, smokes a pipe, and asks "When is your useless son going to get a job".
Alice: The Madness Returns
"And then Alice promised never to tell her parents."
The second mid-credit stinger.
Once I tried to seduce a girl by putting a Drink Me label around my knob, but she did something horrible with a cocktail umbrella...
"What I'm saying is that I don't see Alice: The Madness Returns making mad returns, neh heh nyehh..."
Shadows of the Damned
While talking about the development team, Yahtzee has a brief dialogue with the audience, whose words are accompanied by a slide whistle:
Also, "Suda, bless his heart, has always had what you might call a long-distance relationship with normalcy." Accompanied by a representation of Suda running around in the background, holding a giant rubber duck over his head and screaming.
"It's supposed to be for stealthy no kill runs, but it just makes enemies run around screaming for five minutes before falling over, and that's not very tranquil. That's like inventing an antidepressant that makes people believe there's free money inside their wrists."
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
His description of the final boss as "the kind of nightmare Philip K. Dick might have while being spooned by H. R. Giger", and the Running Gag of whipping vending machines at NPCs.
"He's in pursuit of a crimelord who's out to steal Christmas from the orphans, or something. It's not important."
"Yes, it kind of is so fucking goofy that Disney would file a restraining order, but..."
The sarcastic, white-bread hero saying "I guess I'm well-bread" and the well-written NPC saying "Looks like I'm bread for success."
"So, here's a sneak peak to the soundtrack to a lot of Dead Island: 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'GRR!' 'KICK!' 'SPLAT!'"
The Yahtzee sprite finding out he's on "Bread Island" in the stinger.
"Honestly, at this point you people just won't be able to cope if civilization ends any other way, will you? If the fucking Daleks invade or the entire world gets covered in carnivorous jam, you'll have to make papier-mâché zombie facsimiles just to get through the day."
"You'll spend a lot of time standing over a pile of dead bodies frantically doing the can-can until they stop moving."
"So, to conclude my arguments..."
His surprise that the game isn't a cover-based FPS, lets you carry more than two weapons and doesn't have regenerating health. He sounds genuinely taken aback.
"Um... Sony, are you alright?"
The part leading up to it was no slouch either:
So here we go, another bloody brown shooter for the current age with two weapon slots, cover mechanics, and regenerating health...wait, what are these glowing green things lying around everywhere? Medkits, you call them? What an intriguing novelty! Yes, Resistance 3 does not have regenerating health! Holy bum nuggets, I'm having to desperately seek aid under fire while hopping around on my last remaining limb and things are actually tense and exciting! Oh, but it's small comfort if I can't carry ten weapons at onc - I can carry ten weapons at once. Huh. And there's a Freeze Ray and a lightning rod and something I like to call the Jimi Hendrix Experience because it makes people puke themselves to death.
His over-the-top analysis which causes him to believe they ripped off Half Life 2, in a parodic tone, obviously.
"Waaaait a minute... the scientist has a BEARD! What did you do with the rest of the body, Insomniac?"
"Pope Urban VIII probably thought he was very clever when he condemned Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and dishonour so what I'm basically saying is that I'm basically like the Pope."
Batman: Arkham City
Bruce Wayne is depicted with the words "Not Batman" written on his chest.
"[Catwoman's] also a lot less fun to explore the city with, because instead of glidy wings and hookshots her method of getting around is to whip onto the tops of buildings and then smash straight into a wall. Then she has to hop her way up the wall in a sort of 'No, really, I meant to do that' kind of way, leaving another bloody imprint of her increasingly two-dimensional face to congeal on the brickwork. She also has her own Riddler trophies to gather, so I guess the Riddler feels he has to prove that he's smarter than her, too. But if the Riddler is sitting with his feet up watching the security cameras with a question mark-themed mug of milky tea while Catwoman is out headbutting masonry and picking up his litter, I think it's pretty self-evident who's smarter."
Drake is shown walking along a cobble street into an English pub (entitled "The Cock and Balls"), and, as Yahtzee describes it, "with a motherfucking red phone box out front!" (cue red phone box and an arrow with the words The Fuck Is This pointing to it)
Yahtzee thinks that Drake would be more admirable if he just admitted he was in it for the gold.
Yahtzee!Drake: I want enough money to buy a concubine for every square inch of my cock.
Yahtzee: A whole three concubines, Drake?
The assumption that Drake and Elena keep splitting up in games because they have little in common. Drake apparently enjoys watching Time Team and going to blackface minstrel shows.
Noting how the enemies in the game all choose to fight Drake in extremely dangerous situations:
"...enacting gun battles in collapsing buildings, sinking ships, dangling out the back of a plane, and on the surface of a flaming meteorite that's speeding towards a lion."
"Well fuck you, Ulfric Stormcloak, I don't have to help you wash your hairy bagpipes, I can breathe radioactive lasers!"
"Like this one undead lad who hit like a runaway ice cream van but who seemed to forget all about me whenever I left the room, so I ended up taking potshots from the door like the world's worst Jehovah's Witness."
"Oh yes, and take my advice: get a horse. The horses in Skyrim just do not give a fuck. If there's anything in a half-mile radius that means you harm your horse will not rest until it has been powdered."
"Oooh, look at Sir Alan Sugar over there, he's too rich and important to adventure properly. Would you like to skip to the ending cutscene because you have to go and buy a new aeroplane before the shop's shut?"
"But having spent so many weeks getting forced down corridors of every size and shape like the last bit of toothpaste in a tube being manipulated by the flabby, uncoordinated hands of a fat prick, getting yelled at because one of the many specks I haven't fired bullets at yet is holding another speck that can fire rockets, I was exactly in the right mood to get out in the open, feel the wind in my hair and the rolling epic landscape beneath my feet. So to that end, I stopped playing video games and left the house. Ha, not fucking likely!"
Saints Row: The Third
Yahtzee laments the lack of a socks option for customizable clothing. "So I can no longer wear fishnets under a sensible business suit and role-play as a Conservative MP."
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
When he's describing the annoying fairy sidekick: "You suck a man's cock — Bing! 'Link, I have calculated that you are sucking a man's cock! There is a 70% chance that you should now cradle his balls!'" Which is made even funnier by how the censor bar says "Hey! Listen" on it.
"First you prove yourself for the Master Sword, then you prove your worth for the three sacred flames, and then prove your worth a few more times for the song of the hero. If I were Link, I would throw the sword down and yell: 'Do you want this motherfucker dead or what?!' I feel like I'm trying to arrest the person burgling your house, and you keep telling me to fuck off until I've put on some nicer shoes!"
"Fuck yes, it's Akiyama again. I love his horrible mauve blazer, and now he's dual-wielding custom pistols like a boss. I just want to take him home and mount him to my kitchen wall so my kids will have an appropriate role model to look at over their Honey Nut Cheerios every morning."
Ninja Gaiden 3
The first few lines of his review:
"You know, being the leader of an evil ninja clan... oops. Shit! Um, forget I said that, I'll start again. *ahem* If I were the head of an evil ninja clan..."
The entire mulitplayer part of the review, drawing a link between it and being a pimp!
But Dragon's Dogma does have one major unique mechanic that deserves a close examination. It's, um...well, do you remember Neopets? It's kind of like that but with slavery. As part of the introductory missions, you have to generate a primary NPC sidekick in the same way you made yourself: class, race, appearance, favorite Spice Girl, etc. But for adventuring purposes, you can also enlist two additional sidekicks who are the main sidekicks of other players elsewhere in the world. You go into a little connecting universe where a sampling of available hired hands swan about trying to catch your eye, you go over to the ones you like, look at their equipment, check their teeth, bob their scrotums, and if you're happy take them adventuring with you. When you're finished with them, you give them a little present and send them back to their owner with a fond slap on the bum. You even have to rate them like you're filling in the timesheet for the temp agency. It creates motivation to make sure that your sidekick has the best equipment and skills and looks good in tights so they'll be more likely to get hired by other players, acquire experience, bring you back presents, and...wait a minute! Am I pimping?!
Then followed up by:
"No, it's all right," says the game. "They're not actually intelligent, free willed human beings. They're pawns, a sort of magical slave race who look a lot like humans but actually don't have minds of their own." Oh, even better. Now we're pimping the mentally sub-normal!
But by far the high point is his reaction to the "pawn" handwave.
Also his critique of the pawns' relative intelligence level:
Pawn: We could get a good view from the top of that tower!
Yahtzee: I know we could, asshole! You know how I know? Because I was just on the top of that tower, and so were you!
Yahtzee gives up on referring to New Super Mario Bros. U by its name and just starts calling the game "Steve", placing a mug of Steve Buscemi on top of the box.
"Right, what's next? Oh, what a delightful trailer for some kind of Lost Planet sequel, what are they calling this one? ...Dead Space 3? Fuck off!"
Towards the end he jokes about being a hype ruiner for hire (complete with creepy white van), which has "B. Y. S. G. Croshaw" on the side, a series of initials which makes very little sense at first...until you're smacked into the giggles by a Brick Joke from his Haze review, where he called himself Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw.
The review begins with a brief mini-review of Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor, which Yahtzee derides as unplayable. An imp dressed as a fairy chides him for this and tells him he'd continue if he had any self respect. One beat later, Yahtzee's moved on to Quantum Conundrum and the fairy-imp's in the bin.
"I picked it up because the back of the box said 'The Kinect has finally found its hardcore game...'"
Yahtzee: ...which I interpreted as a challenge. Caption: ...SO SUCK IT, CROSHAW!
Using various forms of alcohol to describe the four dimensions.
Yahtzee: There's the pina colada dimension where everything is light and fruity, the black russian dimension where things sit much more heavily and you start clutching your head complaining about your ex-wife, the absinthe dimension where everything floats off into the sky to come crashing apocalyptically down the following morning, and the slow-motion dimension where this analogy kind of breaks down.
"I hope you've played a lot of feces Tetris, because it's time to stack shit."
The captions given during Yahtzee's discussion on graphical settings.
While browsing the Steam forums for technical assistance, Yahtzee recounts one forum poster who said anyone who didn't know how to edit using Unreal or didn't have a top-end PC didn't deserve to play PC games. His response is simply beautiful.
The game actually managed to get Yahtzee quitedepressed, which led him to forcibly contrive some levity into his review:
(Waffle about the self-contradictory nature of FPS gaming) Oh, I'm sorry, is this getting too contemplative too early on? Here are some farting noises! *farting noises*
"Spec Ops: The Line is one of those pleasant surprises that comes along every now and again; a videogame story that really got to menote cue the game driving a pickaxe into his forehead, giving me genuine feelings of weariness, guilt and actual physical sickness. Fun, fun, fun!"
Do you remember when shooters were about killing demons from hell? Those were good days. Perhaps this is an inevitable part of gaming growing up, as our childish fantasies are torn from us and we are forced to confront consequences in an unfair, unforgiving, and unavoidable world of hatred, misery, and death. (Beat) (Farting)
And the credits end with "It's just been downhill ever since IDDQD stopped working".
"While the game does show the horror of war, it just shoves it in your face. (Spec-Ops pushes Yahtzee's face into his monitor) It's similar to a woman sneaking into your house, getting naked and putting her butt near your face when you're asleep, so when you wake up and see her ass she calls you a pervert for looking at it. I didn't want to see your ass Spec-Ops! You brought it up, you asshole! (Yahtzee avatar DopeSlaps Spec-Ops standing behind him).
"At this point there's only one thing I can do, MASTURBA- I mean RETRO-REVIEW!" Apparently he uses a squeaky giraffe to do so.
Buttered fuck crumpets.
The review starts with Yahtzee angrily refusing to review New Super Mario Bros. 2.
I'm not falling for it this time, Nintendo, so even if you did massively shake up the formula and recast Mario as a brash intergalactic smuggler piloting the Yosh-1 through the imperial controlled Mushroom Nebula I will never know!" *followed by the image of Yahtzee covering his ears and going "LA LA LA"*
I saaawww you (New Super Mario Bros. 2).
His playthrough is off to a good start.
"So I started my first game spawned on the shores of a mysterious land, made for the nearest visible building, and was immediately beaten to death by six squawking, working-class zombies in flat caps. Then I paused to have a little drinky..."
"After having fallen and broken my leg, I saw one player run over my head as I pathetically called for help. Later playthroughs would teach me that, in terms of DayZ regular human interaction, THAT was a passionate kiss on the mouth."
"HaHA! Ambiguously melee-fight your way out of that. Wait, what's that rumbling noise. And then every door in the street flung open and fucking hell, it was like the Pied Piper set his flute to the murderer setting."
Yahtzee comments how when a new player (to DayZ) came by that unless the guy actually talked to him and asked what was wrong, he would have shot and looted him.
Yahtzee: I blame publishers not wanting to put out anything that might have to compete with Mists of Pandaria, which incidentally I wouldn't touch with a twelve-foot sterilized barge pole being held by someone else.
Him not actually playing the game beforehand:
Yahtzee: Some might say not having played the game and only glancing briefly at the cover art might preclude reviewing it as a rule, but I didn't get to where I am today by following rules all over the place! Let's give it a crack.
His experiences playing Anna:
Yahtzee: In Anna, you are a faceless, nameless protagonist, who I choose to believe resembles Mr. Bean, who has come to an abandoned sawmill in search of his lost love or something, and considering the sawmill only has like five rooms, what follows is a pretty fucking breakneck descent into the depths of the human heart.
His opinion on the "logic" puzzles in Anna:
Yahtzee: Anna is closer to adventure game than survival horror though, spiritually akin to those microscopic escape-the-room flash games where you solve a sequence of logic puzzles in a small environment. But the operative word there is "logic" and Anna's relationship with that concept evokes the relationship a cheese grater has with a water balloon full of sperm. Before you can even get into the sawmill, you have to find two parts of a mirror, arrange them on a wall, stick a pinecone to the front and then light it on fire because this in some way unlocks the front door. That's not a logic puzzle, that's something Hunter S. Thompson might attempt after he lost his front door key at a mushroom-enfueled wilderness retreat! I'm glad I don't live in this neighbourhood; you probably can't even run yourself a bath until you've arranged twelve Snickers bars under the S-bend and pissed in the sink.
His outrage that Tokyo Jungle insists on submitting his score to the leaderboards:
Yahtzee: And I can't stand how every time I die, it insists on submitting my score to the global ranking, not only forcing me to wait a literal minute when I just want to fucking restart but then usually informing me that I'm in a hundred-billionth place in the ranks of roleplaying as a small yappy dog and I would like to inform all my peers just to round out the emasculation.
The images make it even better:
Tokyo Jungle: YOU DEAD.
Tokyo Jungle: You know who'd love this?
Tokyo Jungle: FUCKING EVERYONE
The ending is priceless:
Yahtzee: Shit, hang on, I got confused again. How long have I got left? 8 SECONDS?! FUCK!! Uh, FIFA 13 is a game in which you and your burly friends help a small leather sphere realize its dream of being in a net, and I think we can all agree that that's basically a positive thing, nighty-night.
The Credits Gag regarding Tokyo Jungle: "Maybe being told that I wasn't good enough to mate with the prime females struck a bit close to home."
The old thumbnail for the review is actually highly amusing. Almost invariably, the thumbnail for a review will be an image that seems a little eccentric but basically appropriate, usually featuring the box art. For FIFA 13, it was...a tiger-headed Yahtzee being attacked by a velociraptor with a loose pile of assorted animals in the background. Don't bother trying to figure out what the hell this has to do with soccer.
Resident Evil 6
"What is the point of multiplayer? Correct, to socialize with other human beings, which is why I hate it." (shows Yahtzee hissing at socializers from the sewers).
Him pretending that the commander is "somebody's fussy mom" and the accompanying images that follow.
"But at least the randomness makes the game very replayable, so take comfort in that as you contemplate restarting from scratch because you didn't research laser guns fast enough and all your men have to be evacuated from the field with a fucking spatula!"
"You can survive getting one of your top guys raygunned into sandwich spread. Two, it's a pinch, but you might as well reload if your entire supersquad gets wiped up, because the aliens aren't going to hold back to let you train up a new selection of rookies who aim like fucking Octodad and go into panic mode if a wasp starts buzzing too close to their peanutbutter sandwiches."
Medal of Honour: Warfighter & Doom 3: BFG Edition
Yahtzee's speculation that the game came about as a result of one developer testing whether his cubicle-mate was actually listening to him. "YEAH, SOUNDS GREAT!"
Needing a name to differentiate the particular brand of first-person shooters which rely on such pet peeves as reliance on cover, regenerating health, limited inventories and excessive handholding, he dubs them "Spunkgargleweewee," a term he continues to use on a semi-consistent basis.
His rage against people who claim he just doesn't like shooters.
His suggestion for a better game that Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 could have been if it had played to its strengths: "The Adventures Of Hooky Wingsuit: The Amazing Flying Racist."
"He a TURRIST!"
Imagining a question from the target demographic about the game's quality:
Yahtzee: "Well, I'm white, paranoid, and stupid so this game sounds ideal so far," says a nearby cunt. "I'm just worried the gameplay won't also cater to my many neurological difficulties— whoops my brain fell out again!"
The "fish skeleton" remark.
"Oh, don't you start telling me I have problems..."
He opens the review with the phrase "I am a banana." and it only gets funnier every time he uses it.
"I kept sliding off the roads because the cars are always a few feet wider than you think they are. It’s a lot like online dating."
A clever one from the credit sequence: one of the subtitles says "You know what the first sign of madness is? Rubbing animal giblets on your reproductive organs." The next slide has him poledancing, wearing a severed tiger head as a codpiece.
Subtitling said slide: "It's not a real holiday until you've napalmed a cassowary."
Another metaphor that gets a little weird:
A typical combat mission involves scouting the area from a vantage point, marking targets, picking the optimal angle of approach, and taking down the baddies one by one. It’s quite relaxing really, like pruning a rosebush where the roses can get freaked out and call another rosebush to come and back it up.
Top 5 of 2012
Yahtzee explains why he has has a soft spot for Never Dead despite its broken design.
"It's only when you try to do something interesting that you crash and burn in the most spectacular way. You may laugh at the bloke who thought he'd invented the parachute coat and threw himself off the Eiffel tower, but what's history gonna remember you for, funny man? That time you found a copy of Razzle in a hedge?"
Paper Mario: Sticker Star
Yahtzee admitting he needed to use the 3D for certain sections of the game:
" I suppose the 3DS can feel free to stand on my desk and rub its buttocks on my face, making really satisfied noises like this: "Mmmmmm, mmmmmmmmmm."
"So if it's not a platformer and not an RPG, then what the hell is it? A walk-around-'em-up? A walk-around-sticking-things-to-other-things-'em-up? That's not a game, that's how I kill time at a pet shop!" (shows Yahtzee super-gluing a gerbil to a dog with the store manager saying "Excuse me, sir.")
"...due to a rather oddly placed stealth mission, you might actually stop to think that this game is actually really frustrating and the techno music is getting on your tits. Well... not really on your tits just on the tips of them (shows Yahtzee's avatar on a couch with a keyboard on its chest) like a kitten, but you don't wanna wake it up but there's something important you have to do (avatar looks on as couch catches on fire).
"There's flying under the radar, but with zero hype and sneaking onto shelves in early January, Anarchy Reigns isn't so much flying under the radar as riding the fucking subway!"
"I think I just beat up someone very thin, with a really clingy outfit and a stance like their hips have become dislocated. Oh well, that'll narrow it down to every single fucking female character in the game."
DMC: Devil May Cry
"Ramble gramble-oh, never mind."
The similes used to describe how anvilicious the story is.
Saying how The Cave is "an adventure game by Double Fine, not to be confused with the Double Fine Adventure Game that Kickstarter has already allowed to make more money than the rehab clinic next to Lindsay Lohan's house."
Part of the beginning of the review where he compares people wanting him to review the game to lighting a firework and running away, shoving someone into the girl's toilets or putting an unwanted child into a pen with a scary dog:
"Oh I see! No one wants me around when the new Call of Duty is training you to ignore another quality control instinct, but the moment something comes along that offends what few taste buds you have left then suddenly I'm your personal attack gopher. Well how do you know I don't actually really like Colonial Marines? (*beat*) I don't, it's fucking atrocious! But you'd have looked pretty silly if I had wouldn't you?"
And then he mentions that maybe he's just bitter because the developers are doing his job by acting like a bunch of school children trying to blame each other on who dropped the really eggy fart.
There's also him mentioning that many doorways during multiplayer saw reenactments of The Three Stooges routines and how there's only so many times the words "Who farted?" can break the tension regarding waiting for an elevator to come down at the end of a level
The talk of his favorite glitch towards the end of the review. What really sells it is the representative graphic of the boss alien pulling out a giant wooden mallet to smack the marine back to death while letting out a Big "NO!".
EA Spokesperson: "Did you enjoy blowing real money on flooding your friends Facebook pages with news on you imaginary cows? Well you'll love blowing real money on being able to win a non-continuous game with less effort, thus cheapening any sense of achievement!"
Yahtzee: So on a desolate plot of land I placed the foundations for the emerging city of Dogbollock, U.S.A. 'Oh no no no!' went the little finger puppet, leaning over and typing a row of asterisks. 'You can't call your city that, that would be ever so beastly!' Why not? It is a fun name. I would be having more fun as the mayor of a city called 'Dogbollock'. I'm hoping to set up a department of Dogbollock beautification.
"I think there might be something wrong with the AI. This might also explain why my city was briefly terrorized by a rampaging criminal whose house turned out to be directly opposite the police station."
In the beginning:
Yahtzee: Electronic Arts. Arts. Arrrts... If there was ever a name that illustrated a need for some kind of verbal equivalent of social services that comes and forcibly takes words away if they're being misused.
The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct
Likening Sony to a pushy mother and Kratos its little ballerina daughter, "whoring him out to every PlayStation game that will take him" when explaining why he isn't reviewing God of War: Ascension.
The image of BioShock Infinite sitting on the game store shelf holding a very large sign with the words "NEXT WEEK, ALRIGHT?" on it.
"A story campaign that you could miss entirely if a large dog happens to run past the screen at the wrong moment," illustrated with Yahtzee glaring at the dog for doing so.
The image for "Eighties sci-fi action" is Adam Ant with a cyborg laser eye.
"At the end of the cyber-day...", which is illustrated by a setting sun with a cyborg laser eye.
Two about the clearing out of garrisons: looking back to the ordinary FarCry 3, where you could leave it to "Mr. Whiskers and the forest friends", and pointing out that if there are no more enemies in the line of sight of the blood dragons, they may decide to "snack of some of Kyle Reese's Pieces instead; perhaps a plate of fish and Hicks!"
Calling out the anticlimactic ending of the game, saying that there should have been a "disco arena space battle with another guard and armoured laser-dinosaur" where both combatants wield "American Gladiator-style paddles with hedge trimmers strapped to the ends".
"Who could've predicted that a man dressed as a giant light-up purple cock would turn a few heads at the Paint-Drying Appreciation Society?"
Metro: Last Light
"...apparently disregarding all the other cities in the world with underground transit systems, but maybe they've all been lost to rampaging hordes of cannibalistic buskers."
"So there’s a quite hefty percentage of this game where I feel we’re lacking a sense of agency, but when I point that out the game gets kind of pissy."
Metro: Last Light: “Oh, you want to feel like you’re the master of your destiny, do you? Fine! Go run around the surface for a bit”.
"So I do that, but then I’m all like,"
Yahtzee: “This big-winged monster keeps trying to get me to play fetch with my entire body as the stick. Am I supposed to be killing it or just getting the fuck away?”.
Metro: Last Light: “Sorry! Can’t make it any clearer because Mr. Free Will thinks I’ve been railroading him too much!”
"So far, it has been like watching the most retarded game of Texas Hold 'Em ever played, where everyone just sat and eye-balled each other for six months before someone finally called in the most wheezily, non-committed way possible, in the hopes it would make some else show their hand. Whereupon the flop cards were revealed to be: A joker, a get-out-of-jail-free, and a Magus of the Vineyard from Magic: The Gathering."
Yahtzee's reaction to the PS 4's social interaction functions: "Any chance of getting a dedicated 'Fuck Off' button on the controller, Sony?"
Yahtzee's bridge analogy regarding making games for the Wii U.
"...recently a critical blow was dealt when someone at EA unguardedly mentioned that they weren't making any games for [the Wii U]...EA did backtrack on that remark though, perhaps realizing that before you burn a bridge, it might be smarter to wait and make sure the other two bridges aren't going to spontaneously combust."
Yahtzee's hilarious prediction of the dire consequences of the Xbox One's Kinect system always being on:
"Oh, but the Kinect needs to be on all the time so you know when you're barking orders at it, but I want to feel comfortable talking about the Xbox in front of it. I might unguardedly say 'I hope Xbox doesn't nuke the Chinese' and then who knows what might happen."
*Graphic shows the Kinect hearing the quoted part as "Xbox: Nuke the Chinese," followed by a nuclear missile launching from the top of the Kinect*
Getting taken down and reposted to serve as Yahtzee's traditional "Shut up and let me enjoy my holiday break" video on Christmas Day is pretty chuckleworthy.
"Yaaaaaaaaawn... Sorry, Fuse. You're not boring me, I was just up late last night." Cue image of a trash can containing a picture of a dolphin and several discarded tissues.
The punchline of the shallow characterisation: "And then there's the black guy, who's just happy to be here."
"UGH! You just made me think of Clive Barker's Jericho! Thanks a lot, Fuse!"
Yahtzee pointing out the pitfalls of how to name a game: the many analogies (all of which are funny in their own way) are capped off with him saying the title SHOULD NOT be something gaming journalists can twist into snarky headlines: "'Remember Me?' Kinda forgettable. (Puts on Cool Shades and smokesa cigar) Arf-arf!"
Yahtzee complimenting how Nilin's butt is framed on the cover, claiming he likes to pretend it's saying the title out loud (complete with a Speech Bubble framing the title coming out of Nilin's ass).
The constant jabs at how blatantly obvious the story is trying to set up the Plot Twist to the point it's The Un Twist, to the point Yahtzee claims the game was yodeling "TWIST! TWIST! TWIST!" like a mountain-top pretzel shack.
Depicting the PR outcomes of both the XBox One and PS 4 with with an image of a paddling pool, where Sony proclaims itself "KING O' DA POOL", followed by Microsoft drowning itself.
On Mirror's Edge 2: "What's that? You were hoping to see some of the free-running gameplay in the free-running game? Well, hope into one hand, shit into the other, and see which one fills up first, motherfucker."
The idea that Yahtzee has been sending Valve love cards complete with little pasta shells.
Microsoft at the International Don't Fuck Up Championship. "It's for your own good. It's for your own good!" paving the way for Sony to win the Sickest Burn in the History of the Universe trophy.
Yahtzee: It's a little retarded child with its head stuck in a cereal box and a massive great dump in its big boy pants going "I'm a real game now!" Of course you are, Ride To Hell.
His sheer exasperation at the game's failings summarized in one line:
Yahtzee: It's hard to think of even one thing Ride to Hell doesn't fuck up!!
And despite that sheer exasperation, the best part of the video is how freaking elated he sounds to review something so atrocious.
Yahtzee: Ride to Hell is the kind of bad that leaves me with a smile on my face.
The metaphor for Microsoft lowing their standards due to the approaching end of the console generation.
Alright, son; we had fun on this boat over the years, but now it's time to sink it to the ocean floor and let all the bottom-feeders live in it. But, daddy! Couldn't we just put a better engine on the boat, and not have to destroy all our cherished memories? I think someone needs to go back in the naughty-box!
"Considering Ride To Hell, what is this, Absolute Garbage Awareness Month?"
Suggesting that just straight out calling your game Dark is reaching the zenith/nadir of Darker and Edgier, or as Yahtzee puts it "Perhaps this represents a final culmination of the entertainment industry's long-held notion that the epitome of cool is sitting around being miserable with the lights turned off."
"Eric is informed that he is a vampire, because a vampire drank all his blood, but either they immediately forget about that particular rule [accompanied by a illustration of a story writer saying: "Fuck it that'll do!"], or Eric creates about fifty more vampires during the course of every single combat section. Hey, I've got an idea: How about we play one of them? I wanna reroll my character into one that didn't get snake-eyes for charisma!"
Yahtzee applying a badly written Dialogue Tree to a real conversation.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT AUDIBLE SOUND.
I'M DONE WITH TALKING ABOUT YOUR NEW ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR LIVING ROOM.
"The gameplay of Dream Team Bros is basically the same as Bowser's Inside Story. It switches between an isometric real world and 2D platforming inner world. Bowser's duodenum in the first case ("In yer go") and Luigi's brain in the second ("Chop Chop"). Both equally fucked up in their own special ways." (Mario, despite looking horrified from both options, opts for Luigi's brain, and you can see Luigi's head bulge from his entry).
Rise of the Triad
The game bringing back the original's most beloved features:
Yahtzee: So we can speed around shooting the baddies like a Starlight Express cast member going postal?
Rise of the Triad: Yep!
Yahtzee: And we can fire cartoonishly powerful rocket launcher in mid-air?
Yahtzee: So to evoke the same spirit, they just made the graphics really fucking murky so that distant enemies blend into the background and locating the assholes turns into some kind of hardcore bullet-themed game of Marco Polo.
The second act of the game:
Yahtzee: Rise of the Triad does a very naughty thing around the second act:
Rise of the Triad: Bet you're enjoying all this fast paced violence, aren't you? But this isn't a perfect recreation of 90's retro shooters yet! We haven't had enough shitty first-person platforming challenges!! Hope you like trying to accurately jump onto tiny platforms when your feet only exist hypothetically, because if you don't do it perfect we're going to kill you! And then laugh! And then display your corpse at the museum of failure wearing a silly hat!
Quicksaves > Autosaves:
Yahtzee: But on the other hand it's not entirely the fault of retro-gaming. Because you know what the original Rise of the Triad had? Quicksave! Not autosave, presided-over by a sloth reading a really interesting magazine. First person jumping challenges are a bit of a pisser, but an entire sequence of the things that you have to start all over again at the slightest failure is a 12-Storey flying pisser circling the neighbourhood, contaminating all the swimming pools!
Yahtzee's reaction to the game mocking him for failure and the accompanying visual
Yahtzee: I'd fantasize about impaling the voice actor with an ocean liner piston, butthole-first.
When Yahtzee compares casual games...:
Yahtzee: Now when you're ready I want you to press this button. [Imp misses the button] Okay, that was slightly to the left of the button, but keep trying, you're doing ever so well.
...to hardcore games...:
Yahtzee: Oh, look at this wee-man, thinks he can roll with us. Maybe if you ate this entire live crab right now. While I'm hitting you.With the crab.
...and then says that both methods are good, except when games try to have it both ways:
Yahtzee: Are you the kind of hurly-burly power-armour marine that can save the planet from the giant death crabs from space? Well, prove it, by pressing this button. Now, when you feel up to it, shoot that monster that we tied to a stake and put a giant glowing arrow over. You know what, never mind, I'll do it.
Yahtzee: Maybe they'll put more levels out. Maybe they'll remember to put some fuckin' Triads in them this time.
Papers, Please and Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
"If they spell their name with a different vowel just once, then it's off to talk to the nice men with guns in the building that people go into a lot, but don't seem to come out of so much."
"Hey, you know who'd like to see your hairy balls? These nice men with guns!"
While talking about Brothers, Yahtzee wonders why the kids are pulling a Saving Private Ryan for their father. The visual shows the kids with army hats firing rapidly and screaming.
Right off the bat, Yahtzee pulls a brilliantly tortured metaphor:
"It's like the fucking trenches of the Somme in there! Except the Allied soldiers are physically thrown at the German war machine by their commanders and every German casualty gets dragged into the Allied trenches just to have their flesh minced up and converted into rations. That'll teach me to pre-judge! Thanks, Pikmin 3, you fucking monster!"
"You get subweapons by seducing women in what are termed the Gigolo Missions, to which I am grateful for teaching me the never-fail method of picking up women. Sit staring at them without saying a bloody word with a constant look on your face like you just caught a whiff of their panty stank and it did very little to impress, and whenever she looks away stare right down her tits like you're planning a spelunking expedition. Then having brought the mood in the room to a simmering erotic tension, SHOVE an expensive present in her face with such violence that if she'd been an inch closer, she'd need a sink plunger to pull her nose back out. Repeat until sex. At which point she will give you a drill. See, where I was going wrong was assuming that women aren't power tool vending machines with one slot for flowers and another for cock."
"Anyway today's sword-wieldingassassin protagonist is 'Mondo Zappa', whose interesting qualities kind of begin and end with his name, frankly. He looks like a nine-year-old boy who got stretched on The Rack for three days and then someone gave him a robot arm and a school uniform."
"(Mondo's) from that school of characterization that thinks there's nothing cooler than being incapable of showing emotion, 'cause of course my granddad's been getting pussy like you wouldn't believe ever since he had the stroke."
Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Yahtzee: If you're gonna call a horror adventure game "Amnesia", you might as well call a first-person shooter "Bullets".
"...and while being chased down a darkened factory of death by a pigman squealing like his pork-scratchings are caught in a door-hinge is not something I would enter into without first making room in the household-budget for reupholstering the computer chair”, said chair then shown with a hole in the seat and some rather dubious stains on the wall behind it.
Confused low-brow company executive: "Couldn't we just call it Amnesia: Revelations or something?"
Summing up the first game:
Yahtzee: If you need some kind of primer on the first Amnesia game, put on a blindfold and shit yourself. That'll about bring you up to speed.
Comparing the plots of the two games:
Yahtzee: Don't worry about the plot [of The Dark Descent], because the new one's largely unconnected, besides the fact that its basically the same plot: You are a very British man, who wakes up alone in a spooky mansion with the eponymous headfart, and must make his way down to an increasingly scary environment, gradually piecing together why its gone all scary and how involved you were in the process, and I'll put down a spoiler warning here unless you work in the paint-tasting factory, but the answer is... A lot.
Briefly calling the game 'A Sausage For Breakfast.'
Feeling in the dark:
Yahtzee: Like the previous Amnesia, if you don't find all the text documents and shit, you might feel a bit in the dark on what the fuck's going on, as well as in the dark generally.
His final words regarding why The Dark Descent was more effective than A Machine For Pigs:
Yahtzee: Being hunted through a tunnel by something that's going to pull my twat out through my nose if it finds me, now that is horror I can get a sense of. The sense is smell, and the smell ispiss.
Grand Theft Auto V
He gives his final statement as to what the game could have done better, then, after a brilliantly tortured simile involving a soldier getting his leg blown off in WWII, caps the video off with the soldier writing a letter home:
"Dear Mum, Remember when my dance instructor said I had two left feet? Well I managed to redress the balance somewhat...P.S.: FUCKING HELL! UAAAARRGGHH!"
CoD: Ghosts is not "a game about the vengeful spirits hanging around an English chip shop". (Ethereal fish: "Yooouu killed meeee.")
"...because not only is the U.S. outsourcing their weapons development to fucking Megatron..."
Yahtzee lampshades that the titular Ghosts, despite being billed as a 'stealth unit' have zero sense of subtlety.
"The Ghosts, as the name might imply, are ostensibly a legendary stealth unit that specializes in taking down larger forces through sneaky guerrilla tactics. So obviously, one of the first things you do in the game is ram-raid an enemy base in a burning truck and start gunning down every living thing from the dandelions on upwards. Yeah, that's some good ghostin' there, lads! Truly, thou art akin to the flicker of a candlelight shadow as you waddle around an open field being shot at from nineteen different directions."
Yahtzee highlighting the absurdity of the game's Excuse Plot:
"[South America] attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, Ghosts! Firstly, so much for the enemy being "superior" if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, orbital fucking missile weapon!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second!" — "Oh, no, America has been attacked and is weakened and there's no defenses except an inexhaustible supply of tank battalions and an army of killer robots. And we would've had a doomsday satellite if the rest of the world hadn't gotten all weird about it!"
"...But somehow it's only getting worse! Black Ops II actually came across as at least slightly self-aware, and Modern Warfare One went so far as being profound, such as in that bit where you die slowly and horribly in a nuclear blast. If that happened in CoD: Ghosts, you'd probably just fart all the radiation out in one big heroic guff, pull the broken glass out of your eyeballs, and then use it to shiv the Ayatollah."
When going down the list of exclusives for the Xbox One and the PlayStation 4, he comes down to Killzone: Shadow Fall vs. Titanfall, and was commenting on the latter when he's informed of a bit of new information, consequently winding up giving no points to either console:
Yahtzee: But maybe- what's that? Titanfall is getting a PC release? Well that undermines the whole cocking premise, doesn't it?!
Yahtzee's closing remark:
So at the end of that, the PS4 has the most points in this pointless-conjecture-of-games-I-haven't-played competition, and therefore has a slight edge in the upcoming grimy basement knifefight. But viewer, there lies a world outside this grimy basement: the world of PC gaming! All you have to do is come up the stairs and into the light, feel the rays of the sun and the cool breeze upon your skin then go down some more stairs into the other grimy basement next door.
Each round is introduced with a Self-Backing Vocalist rendition of the round's title. Round Four, "Driving Aboot" has him singing "Driving about, driving about, driving about, driv-ing about" as a poor rendition of the Doctor Who theme. which cuts out just as he goes into the ooo-eee-ooo theremin part.
"Although the more realistic graphics get, the stupider it looks when enemies glitch around the battlefield in order to be in the right position for your pre-animated finishing move, like Nightcrawler has acquired a death wish."
Yahtzee makes a comment about how the powerups are based off of the first thing that developers glanced at in the room, as illustrated by a generic character staring from his desk and then noticing a cat. The following illustration then shows Desk Mario.
Yahtzee commenting how the box art looks like it forgot its background and instead left a Photoshop transparency layer.
Yahtzee: That was one for my Photoshop-using homies, peace.
Top 5 Games of 2013
The opening lines in their entirety.
Life is an exercise in duality. One can only appreciate pleasure if there has been pain to put it into context. The delightful taste of a Knickerbocker Glory is nothing if you've never staked your bollocks out over a worktop and set about them with a toffee hammer. Anyway, that's why I'm not allowed in the ice cream parlor anymore...
As per 2010 and 2011, the best and worst games have an analogous experience, but here, they're directly linked to one another. For example, while the fifth best is "Earning the respect of a competent middle manager," the fifth worst is "Earning the respect of a large horny dog."
The descriptors for tiers four and three:
4th Best: Shaking hands with Kofi Annan 4th Worst: Realising your flies were unzipped the whole time you were shaking hands with Kofi Annan 3rd Best: It wasn't Kofi Annan at all, it was Nelson Mandela 3rd Worst: Hang on, Nelson Mandela's dead, and you've just committed a massive faux pas at an open casket funeral
Yahtzee being outright hesitant to name-drop Ride To Hell before giving it the Lifetime Achievement Award for Total Abhorrence.
Definitely qualifies as Black Comedy, but the end-of-credits message is worthy of a laugh or two:
"I suspect next year will just be a bottom 10 followed by a gunshot"
Yahtzee gives his feelings on crowdfunding and how much of a budget the game got due to it:
Yahtzee: Tim Schafer could've made a fucking escape-the-room flash game and it would have made the money. He could have released Space Quest IV, or Leather Goddesses of Phobos 2, or a pile of owl droppings on the end of a length of rope, and it would have made the money back.
He very humorously summarizes his beliefs regarding what merits the game should be judged on, and why:
Yahtzee: It's like saying you can't expect a racehorse to run as fast as his dad did: Then why did you charge so much for his spunk!?
Might and Magic X
Yahtzee's critique of the game's openness is hilarious just for the sheer speed at which it's delivered:
Yahtzee was originally against playing Dark Souls because of the secrecy and the attention it garnered.
Yahtzee: But then, after watching a decent Let's Play of the game, gone over the wikia a few times and gone over a six week preparation with a team of advisers and physical trainers, I was able to break through the wall.
*Cut to an image of Yahtzee looking crazy, in a cannon barrel aimed at a brick wall and screaming "DO IIIIT!"*
Even funnier in that experienced players will know precisely which ring (and boss) he's referring to.note The Rusted Ring to make the fight against the Hydra easier, as it negates the walk-speed decrease in water
Him being disappointed that the nextgames on his list won't be nearly as challenging.note Depicted by him glowing with power and levitating before firing eye-beams at one of the games
Yahtzee: Now that I am in the zone,I'm going to be fucking ruined at the usual standard of game difficulty. I'm going to have to play the new Thief game with a lobster on each bollock.
"Make the plot holes bigger, Final Fantasy, I don't think this trainwreck is going to fit through them yet!"
"Choo-choo! Now arriving at Plot Hole Station!"
The Running Gag of referring to the Garb system as underpants.
"The Evangelism isn't so much a subtext as it is a hot pancake to the face."
"But as tends to be the case with JRPGs, the combat exists in another dimension to the rest of the game entirely." The accompanying slide depicts the combat taking place in a Imagine Spot inside Lightning's mind, while Lightning in reality waves around a stick around in empty air and makes incoherent noises, as a passing-by father quickly drags his child along while mumbling: "Don't stare dear."
The image of Lightning waiting for missions to become available by having her impatiently wait in front of a clock and a velvet rope line ("c'mon, c'mon, c'mon") and giddily charging in as soon as the rope disappears ("yaaaaay"), mostly because it's so out of character for her to behave that way.
And finally, his summation:
"So what am I supposed to do now, game? Grind? Buy better underpants? I've only got four in-game hours to do this bloody quest; I'm finding this whole timer thing very paralyzing, but not as much as the knowledge that even if I get through this, my only reward would be more time spent with Shite-ning and Hope-On-A-Rope whereas, if I just stopped playing, I could instead eat all the individual Mr. Kipling Apple Pies in the house. Sorry, Lightning Returns, you lose to pie...tning returns."
Dark Souls 2
One of his favorite bosses from the first game was the Gaping Maw Dragon, which he referred to as "the incomplete open-heart surgery dragon", for its creativity.
Yahtzee describing the difficulty, and commenting on the perk of being able to easily swap routes if one is "feeding you your own eyeballs".
So if one area is feeding you your own eyeballs, you can maybe leave it for now and look for a gentler one. And good fucking luck, you shrieking mimsy.
His overall description of the "When Dark Souls gives you chocolate buttons, it has to take away your heart medication with the other hand" that came with Dark Souls 2, where any good changes were counterbalanced by punishing ones, culminating in the game threatening to map the buttons to the Kinect.
Dark Souls II yelling at its daughter for only getting a B+ on her colouring assignment.
Dark Souls II: Well, then you must have a SMACK and a SMACK and a SMACK and a SMACK and HOW DARE YOUHOW DARE YOUHOW DARE YOUHOW DARE YOU!?
Yahtzee: Ah, that's what I love about you, Dark Souls, you don't ask for a lot, but... Um...
While explaining the vague plot that's frequently shifted to the side in favor of giant robot action, Yahtzee brings up an anecdote where he asked the other players if they had any ideas what was going on. Most of them were equally vague, except for one guy who responded by asking if he was Jewish.
Yahtzee criticizes the plot's irrelevance from whether or not you win or lose by comparing it to a Back to the Future ride that tells you that only you can save the world, rumbles for a while, and then claims that you've saved the world regardless of who was paying attention or who was crushed to death by the ride.
Yahtzee represents the robots in the game as stock toy robots with cat heads. This leads to an amusing bit in the credits where he proceeds to distract an oncoming mecha using the laser sight in his gun.
He also describes his victories against the cat headed titans by running into a building, climbing up to the roof, and shoot at its "big stupid head". He compared the feeling to a mechanized Tom and Jerry (complete with him laughing with mouse whiskers and ears)
In relation to his growing interest in multiplayer and his acts of murder in Dark Souls:
Yahtzee: I was a younger brother, y'know. Presumably still am, but I haven't checked lately.
"Still, the range of elemental powers on display are pretty creative, although the word 'elemental' is getting stretched like a mozzarella bumhole at the novelty sausage gala what am I on about."
Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes
The entire introduction, where Yahtzee compares the Metal Gear franchise to Lennie from Of Mice and Men, stating that Metal Gear might screw up and even get weird and creepy at times, but doesn't do so out of malice.
Yahtzee: Hey, Metal Gear? Why did you pretend MGS 2 would be about Solid Snake then replace him twenty minutes in with a cross between an albino Barbie doll and Wesley Crusher? Metal Gear: Duh, I'm sorry. I just wanted everyone to meet this cool new character I made up. He's a cyborg and his nipples turn into shurikens! Yahtzee: Hey, Metal Gear? Why are all these emotionally traumatised young women thrusting their butts at the camera? Metal Gear: Duh, I'm sorry. Looking at bums makes my willy feel nice!
Yahtzee: And look, that whole twist where the main character has a secret history with the horror? That only works if they have a character, besides a disembodied voice going "Is there anybody there?" or squeaking like a rusty hinge! We need to have made some assumptions about them before you can start subverting our assumptions! All I have to go on is that I'm a squeaky lady in a haunted house! So I turned to my brain and asked, "Why are we in this haunted house?", and my brain goes, "Well, presumably because we've got a secret history with the place." "Brain! Fucking spoiler warning!"
Yahtzee: Also, I see a flaming spider in the overworld, wearing a flaming hat, spewing the words "I'm all about dat fire" in flaming letters, so I equip all my fire defence and water attack and start combat only to find that Earth Badger and Ice Dentist were hiding up his arse or something, so I have to fight them, too!
One of the ending slates reads: "You don't fuck around at my poetry slams mate".
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
"Yes, random street crimes is constantly occurring, and in the traditional sandbox manner you can jump in and resolve them. And when I say "can", I of course mean "fucking have to or get shot!" Ignore too many petty crimes and the anti-crime task force will be hostile, which delivers a bit of a mixed message: 'We're against vigilante justice, Spider-Man!' 'Wait, he's not doing any vigilante justice?' 'What an asshole! Let's kill him with vigilante justice!'"
"And one time I failed the mission because I'd gotten the last guy to the safe zone, but the 'putting-him-down' animation hadn't quite finished before the timer ran out. Oh, you're not satisfied with my performance? Fine, I'll just fucking put him back!"
Concluding that, while he didn't care for the original The Amazing Spider-Man game, it was "24-carat gold" compared to The Amazing Spider-Man 2, leading to this gem:
"The President's only bloody handcuffed to the launch codes because he loves to accessorize!"
"Map screens in meat-head shooters have been rarely seen since the preferred method of navigating mission shooters became to set every single one in a fucking corridor, with Christmas lights dangling overhead in case players get distracted by an overly-decorative skirting board."
"WATCH_DOGS does not live up to the hype, but that's hardly fair because it would need to have made me spontaneously grow a third bollock to do that."
"I really liked the two or three missions where you stay on the cameras and guide an accomplice from cover to cover, because at that point you're basically playing as the tutorial voice in somebody else's video game." Complete with a loudspeaker telling Gordon Freeman "PRESS THE JUMP KEY. THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT, FUCKWIT?"
Yahtzee starts the video coming up with 3 E words note Excruciating, End, and Eggnog to properly introduce E3 2014, or its true name: "The Meh heard 'round the world". Complete with a pendulum log knocking the E3 sign down.
Microsoft, and by extension, the Xbox One, listing all sorts of exclusive games to convince people to buy the system after last year's flop, which eventually veers down to a breakdown.
"Oh, what do you want?! Please don't hit me! I didn't even mention the Kinect!"
Yahtzee pointing out that Capcom hands out exclusives "like a shilling whore," while in the background Capcom points out that it's five shillings for him personally.
Senor Koquonfaes makes his glorious return, becoming the most popular Mii in Yahtzee's created world. He even winds up marrying the secret agent from his novel Jam.
I guess only she can be trusted to keep the terrible secret of what he has instead of a cock!
In the credits sequence Senor Koquenfaes proposes to Lady Hitler and they go to the bedrom where Lady Hitler... presents, herself to him and he has sex with her by mashing his face against her butt.
Yahtzee quickly puts a stop to two males seducing an obese elderly woman.
I gave these characters enough shit in their respective works without letting some game turn them into granny-fiddlers too.
Enemy Front & Valiant Hearts
"Valiant Hearts is set in the first World War; rarely touched by pop-culture for lacking the clean "Us versus Bastards" fairy-tale narrative of its sequel. World War I was just Europe being such a flustercuck of grudges and alliances that when Serbia turned the little crank of Austria-Hungary, it set off the whole Mouse Trap machine of alliances and by the time the little plastic man jumped into the pool, everyone was fighting everyone else."
"To me, a JRPG just isn't a JRPG unless it ends with a bunch of teenagers using The Power of Friendship to kill God. It's like if you don't have the 'stallion scene', you can't really call yourself 'barnyard porn'."
Depicting Ness with Kamina shades when describing how the game lets you automatically defeat enemies if your level is high enough.
"Didn't this game come out a while ago, Yahtzee?" "What the fuck are you doing in my house, viewer!?! ...Also; yes."
E.T: The Extra-Terrestrial
Yahtzee decided to create something of a mini-series since there was nothing left to review. It details the games industry making huge mistakes that it never learned from. He made an accompanying jingle to go with it:
Let's all laugh at an industry/that never learns anything, tee-hee-hee!
Also the title card: "Zero Punctuation's Occasional Guide to "Special"note originally "Retarded" Moments in Gaming History".
"E.T. was just the little brown top-hat being worn by the all-singing, all-dancing shit-show that the market had become."
Yahtzee comparing the launch of the Xbox One and the NES.
The difference is, after launch Nintendo threw the cover off and went “Fooled you, it is a games console!” Whereas Microsoft threw the cover off and went “Fooled you, it’s shit!”
"This week, I've been playing Firefall, a 'Free-to-Play Massively Multiplayer Shootah'. Now there's an evocative six-word phrase, possibly right up there with 'Before running screaming from the room'."
"Vamp in Metal Gear Solid 2 was implied to be banging Fortune, but only because Vamp was implied to be banging absolutely fucking everyone, including you as you read this. Try to hold still."
The conclusion to thinking about why Animal Crossing: New Leaf appeals to players:
So, from a design perspective, these are the important lessons to take from Animal Crossing: New Leaf, besides of course "Don't play this fucking game, I'm serious, get away before it gets a hold on you, RUN MAN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE"
"This week on Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee compares Sim City to Nazi Germany."
Arguably, Yahtzee's at his best when he can come up with a hypothetical scenario that literalizes a sarcastic remark, as in the above "My right hand on a Sunday night" and "last male panda."
"As the disbelieving friend said to the inventor of the feces-powered helicopter, "THIS SHIT WON'T FLY!".
"As the operator of a coin-operated artillery cannon might sarcastically yell to a retreating army, you should never be afraid of change."
Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon's aesthetic: "The vibrant neon colours on a dark background are kind of like undergoing reconstructive dentistry, in that it can make things hard to make out (slightly tortured simile)."
From an advert for the Mogworld audiobooks: "Now you can listen to me talk for thirteen hours without the expense of getting me coked up!"