Captain (over pa system): This is your captain. If you look to your left you'll see your home for the next four years, filled with shadow riders, a white dorm, alternate universes and the main character turning inexplicably evil.
Syrus: Did that guy just ruin 4 whole seasons?
Captain: Shut up and enjoy the view! And if you look to the right you'll see the bar my wife is a stripper at.
Guy: Ruined four what now?
- Meanwhile at the tool shed...
- The Blind Guy Conversation:
Syrus: That's the last time we take directions from a blind guy.
Jaden: Blind guy? I thought he was wearing those sunglasses to look cool.
Syrus: He had a guide dog!
Jaden: I thought it was his duel spirit.
Syrus: No! What the hell is wrong with you?
- Your caller can not continue the conversation as they are just too rich
- Chazz not complimenting Jaden:
Chazz: I'll admit that you turned it around, but don't take this as a compliment on your skills, but you were absolutely flawless.
BGM: Absolutely Flawless...
Chazz: Why does it do that every time I say "flawless?"
Chazz: SHUT UP!
- Dinner Time Conversation:
Obelisk Blue: So, anyway, I got him in a vicelock and killed the bastard!
Others: Elite-sounding laughter
Ra Yellow: So, anyway, me and an Obelisk Blue got in a fight with a Slifer Red and we killed the guy!
Others: "Yeah!" "Awesome!" "High Five!"
Slifer Red: So we got in a fight today and my friend got killed!
Others: "Ahhh..." "That sucks." "Did someone take my beans?"
- Computer: Choosing battle music. (Barbie Girl plays and then stops) I apologize, that isn't my music. I don't know how it got there. My sister came over on the weekend and uploaded her songs into my database. Sincere apologies. I swear to God, I don't listen to that stuff. I like Foo Fighters. They're cool. Choosing new battle music.
- Hell Bastard and his constant moaning about his father...
- Which is followed up by his dad's appearance: "Has anyone seen my son around here? Whiny little putz."
- Bastion is late
Coach: What are you, a virgin?
Bastion: No, I'm British! But I guess it's kind of the same thing.
- "Okay, who's getting a Crowler bitchslap?!"
- "WE LOVE EAVESDROPPING!"
- "Okay! I get it! You have a boner for math!"
- After Chazz says he's the best:
Guy: Duh, you're not the best!
Chazz: Who said that? Who the fuck said that?
Guy: Duh it was me. (phage yellow arrow pings in)
Chazz: If it weren't for this freeze frame I'd come down there and kick your ass!
- Bastion uses his bat to write equations on:
Jaden: Aaaah, pen and paper is inconvenient because...?
Bastion: Because I got it from your Momma.
Jaden: (genuinely shocked)' What?!
Syrus: Oh no, he di'nt!
- "Duuuuude, you have so lost your security deposit."
- After Syrus knocks Jaden off his paint platform:
Jaden: Syrus! You got paint all over my favorite jacket!
Jaden: It's still my jacket, asshole!
Bastion: 'Ello, 'ello! What's all this abou' then?
Jaden: You stay out of this, limey.
Bastion: Limey?! How dare you! *punches Jaden*
Jaden: Ah! Ok. Mild racism. Got it.
- One Trip to the Hospital Later...
The next day. (Beat)
Ugh. Someone get him a watermelon please.
- Bastion comes up with 3 points to explain why Alexis throwing his deck in the ocean to clean it makes absolutely no sense.
1. "When I said I wanted a clean deck, I meant a new deck of new cards."
2. "Why, why the hell would you clean paper cards with water?"
3. "Even if you made points 1 and 2 somehow plausible, why, oh God why, would you clean them in the freaking ocean?"
Alexis: Tee hee you have a funny voice!
Bastion: That's it, I can't take it any more!(reveals dynamite strapped to his chest and explodes.)
- After another trip to the hospitaltoolshed...
- "Water water everywhere bitch!
- Hell Bastard... and brothers! "Hey Bob." "Hey Jerry." "Hey Jim." What's new?" "Oh you know, the usual." "We don't have fatherrrrrs!"
- After the duel
Crowler: Congratulations Bastion you beat Chazz. You're promoted to the Obelisk Blue Dorm!
Bastion: Wh—! Really?
Crowler: Yeah? Well, It sucks to be you!
- Meanwhile, at Duel Acadatoolshed!
Oh come on, that one didn't count!
- Chazz: I'm gonna go somewhere where they'll appreciate me! Like Disneyland! Or Hooters!
- Jaden gives a lengthy speech about how he as Chazz's eternal rival has to go look for him. Syrus's doesn't buy his bullshit one second:
Syrus: You just wanna skip class again, don't you?
Jaden: Oh you can read me like a book, let's go!
- Jaden: Chazz, come out! Stop hiding you no good egocentric big tempered money loving Ojama humping butt munching asshole!
- Actual 4kids dialogue:
Jaden: Hey, he's got a duel disk! Either that or a really funny-looking banana.
Syrus: ...Jaden? Why do I hang out with you?
- "That's the Magic of TV Convenience!"
- Jaden: This is exactly the card I need to spank that monkey! Hehehehe.
Doc: Oh please, all the monkey did was make a mistake,
Syrus: What are you talking about? Jaden didn't make a mistake.
Jaden: (off screen) Oh go to Hell Syrus!!
- Wheeler's punishment: Playing "Party in the USA" causing him to shriek in terror.
- Jaden: Talk about bestiality! Heheheh.
- Jaden: Now give Back Jasmine before I assert my dominance! (Beat) Giggity.
- "Oh my. Does Banner need to pop a bitch?" "He'll do it! He's got squinty eyes! Run!"
- At the start of the duel Jaden tries to guess what kind of deck Wheeler would be using, guessing decks that would be fun to duel with. Then Wheeler throws down Berserker Gorilla.
- Jaden looking all mad while the doc walk past him twice:
Doc 1: Don't try to stop us. We are scientists, we have the ability to make time paradoxes.
Doc 2: I agree. That's a very good argument, I think you should pay attention to what he says.
Jaden: What the hell?
- This exchange after Wheeler is set free:
Banner: You do realize you are talking to a monkey.
Jaden: You do realize I don't care.
Banner: You do realize I still have the gun.
Jaden: I'll be good.
- And of course:
Banner: Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that Chazz has left Duel Academy, but chances are he will be back in a couple of episodes in some obvious plot twist only to lose to Jaden again.
Jaden: Gee, Professor, you wanna reveal the whole freakin' season to us as well?! (boom) Aaaah ahaha ow, yeah I deserved that.
- Tori's initial appearance at the Dorm:
Jaden: Ooow. That looked like it hurt. A lot. Are you okay?
Tori: Yeah, I'm fine. But I think I let a dog in.
- The sparks coming off of Jaden's head when he gets confused.
Banner: Jaden, shut up. Now, tell everything to my crotch.
Tory: Well you see... look, this is reeeeally uncomfortable...
Banner: Talk to my crotch!
- This bit:
Jaden: Give Tory back, Jinzo!
Jaden: Well, I'm out of ideas.
- Jinzo accidentally staying on the boat.
- "Martini, sir?" "Oh, yes please."
- The forest bit, where Jaden keeps going off screen.
Banner: Chumley is right Jaden. He's too fast, you won't be able to keep up with him!
Jaden: Oh, you watch me! I'll get this guy faster that that time I was invited to Crowler's birthday party and everybody got out the... (Goes off screen) ...only made things worse and it was rumored that Chazz and Bastion had a gay relationship and no-one believed him because... (Goes off screen) ...think about dating and Syrus was convinced that he was pregnant and then made us go to the emergency room where... Wh-Where the heck are we?
- Jaden thinking Tori is dead.
Jaden: Don't. Be. Silly. Of scourse I don't think Chumley is gay!
Jaden: If you need a sacrifice, take me instead!
Jinzo: Uhhh, okay. (Picks up chainsaw and revs it)
Jaden: Actually, let's have a duel.
Syrus: Awww. Kick his ass Jinzo!
Jaden: Why are we friends again?
Syrus: Who said we were friends?
Jaden: Fine, I end my turn. You big dick.
Jinzo: Funny, that's your momma's nickname for me!
Syrus: Oh no he di'nt!
- "Electricity makes me visible! ...somehow."
Syrus: Professor Banner! How is Jinzo doing that?
Banner: Really? You are asking me that? Syrus, I do not have a goddamn CLUE how he is doing that! I'm still coming to terms with the fact that you have blue hair!
- This exchange:
Obelisk Blue: Oh look, it's the Slifer Slackers.
Jaden: What? Wanna say that again?! You wanna repeat that?! You fucking prick?! Huh?! You wanna fucking start something?! C'mon, let's go, three on three, Red versus Blue, no camp kills, we'll fuck you up!
Ted: J-just calm down, guys -
Jaden: Shut the fuck up, Ted! We're all pumped! We're ready to fucking go! Let's do this!
Jaden: That's right, prison rules. Syrus hasn't eaten in days.
Syrus: I want the one in the middle...
Jaden: Me too.
: Yeah, that's right! You better fucking walk away. You blue bastards! Huh! Huh?! (Beat)
I wonder what those blue bastards were talking about.
- Chumley explains how his taking kinda comes and goes:
Syrus: Soooo, that duel giant—
Jaden: (still whispering) I don't like you,
- Jaden's ongoing arguments with Winged Kuriboh, culminating in:
Jaden: Dude, if you randomly appear on me one more time, I'm going to hurt you. I'll go first, draw!
Jaden: What the fuck do you want from me?!
- The fact that he freely throws it at the giant's face and ends up getting it back.
- Trying to get Beauregard to admit to being the duel giant:
Jaden: DUEL! YOU! ME! NOW! TRIANGLES!
- And right before that after Jaden voices his suspicions:
Bastion: But seriously, he's no duelist. I know him. We play chess.
- Jaden's rant:
Jaden: No! I don't care! I knew it was you guys all along! I even said- I did say it was those guys Syrus.
Syrus: It's true he did say that.
Bryan: That's impossible!
Boregarde: How did he know?!
Bryan: I said take them (the jackets) off dammit!
Jaden: Everybody knew! You would have to be a friggin' moron to not guess it were you two! Seriously! Why does this crap always happen here?! Yesterday it was tennis! Today it's a duel giant! Tomorrow it's Tarzan! This place is crazy! I quit.
- The opening exchange with Jaden and Bastion:
Jaden: Hey Bastion. What's with the crowd? Is it "Check your peepee day"?
Bastion: Jaden, that's not a real day.
Jaden: My uncle said it was a day.
Bastion: Your uncle sounds...odd.
Jaden: Well actually, my dad says we're not supposed to call him "uncle" anymore.
Jaden: Did you just appear from a cloud of smoke?
Bastion: Oh I've been studying magic for several years now.
Jaden: Huh. I never knew you could do that.
Bastion: That's because we never TALK!
- Jaden listing off all the ways he tried to get rid of Winged Kuriboh, only for it to magically return.
Syrus: Jaden, are you okay? You've been staring at that card for hours!
Jaden: Yeah. I'm just thinking about Yugi's deck.
Syrus: I know right? The king of games is—
Jaden: Is the bastard that gave me this card! It's the perfect opportunity to put it back!
Syrus: What? Why would you do that?
Jaden: You don't understand. I've tried trading it, I've tried selling it, I've tried yelling at it, I've tried mailing it to Australia. The damn thing is like droopies, Syrus. It always finds me!
- Crowler's put in charge of protecting the deck. It goes about as well as you'd think.
Crowler: For it's not everyday you're put in charge of watching over the greatest deck ever created in the entire worl- (sees the deck missing) Ooooooh... Shit.
- Jaden and Syrus running in circles.
Jaden: Just 'round this corner, Syrus!
Syrus: Right behind you, Jaden!
Jaden: Not too long now, bro!
Syrus: Lead the way, buddy!
Jaden: Almost there, dude!
Syrus: With you all the way, pal!
Jaden: Syrus...I think I just realized something.
Jaden: This room we're looking for?
Jaden: IT'S AROUND THIS CORNER! Is Chumley still behind us?
Syrus: I'll check. Chumley, are you alrig...*Chumley falls* Man down!
- Jaden's plan for finding the stolen deck.
Jaden: Alright guys, we need an armadillo, a chess piece, and a car! Don't worry, Professor Crowler. We won't mess this up.
Jaden: How the hell did we mess this up?!
Bastion: I don't think we're welcome in the Blue Dorm anymore...
Jaden: Anyone know where Syrus is?
Bastion: He thought your idea was stupid and went to look for the thief by himself.
Jaden: Huh...I wonder how that's going.
Syrus: (distant) Shiiiiiiiit!
Bastion: Oh I don't think it's going well.
Zane: Why the hell is there an armadillo running loose in the Blue Dorm, and why do I feel you guys might have something to do with it?
Bastion: It's migrating season.
Jaden: Yeah, yeah, it's migrating season.
- The way Jaden gets Dimitri to cut the act.
Dimitri: You know he's struggling to fit in.
Jaden: Yeah well I didn't struggle fitting into his momma.
Dimitri: E- Excuse me.
Jaden: I. Plowed. Your. Mother.
Dimitri: Shut up, Jaden.
Jaden: (mockingly) "Shut up Jaden." That's Dimitri, that's what he sounds like.
Dimitri: Dimitri would never-
Jaden: "Diminitri would never blah blah blah."
Dimitri: Now you're just being immature.
Jaden: My name's Dimitri and I suck balls.
Dimitri: I don't even sound anything like that!
- There's also this exchange:
Dimitri: Would Dimitri summon the almighty Dark Magician of Chaos?
Jaden: Oh, you mean that banned ca- the card that's banned? Dark Magician of Chaos? Yeah, the one that Yugi wouldn't summon cause he knows it's banned? Yeah, Dimitri would summon that card, because Dimitri's a fbleepkin' idiot!
Well, would Dimitri summon Kuriboh in attack mode?
Jaden: Yeah he would, cause Dimitri's a fbleepkin' idiot!
- Dimitri's copying of Jaden afterwards is funny as hell, especially his Mondegreen of Jaden's catchphrase.
Dimitri: *copying Jaden* Yo what's up dog?
Jaden: Oh, Jesus Christ...
Dimitri: It's time to throw up and get your gay on!
Jaden: I DON'T EVEN SOUND ANYTHING LIKE THAT!
Dimitri: I don't even sound anything like blah blah blah blah...
Jaden: Beat Gilligan Cut
Well, we got Yugi's deck back and Dimitri's in the hospital! Everything turned out great!
Syrus: Jaden, did you remember to put the Winged Kuriboh back in Yugi's deck? You know? Like you wanted to do this whole time?