- Fred the squirrel. His literal-mindedness turns all of his dialogue into pure funny — especially in "Otter Things Have Happened," when Marlene (who is dating him) doesn't realize at first that Fred's not trying to be funny.
Marlene: What does Fred like? What does he dislike?
Marlene: You are really funny!
- It gets better when he and King Julien duke it out over Marlene:
King Julien: We are here to fight for Marlene's paw!
Fred: Nah, she can keep her paw. I already have four of my own. (balances on tail, sticking hands and feet in air)
- And during the fight, Fred didn't do anything, yet he still won.
Marlene: Fred, what did you do to him?
Fred: Nothing. He did it all on his own.
King Julien: (rising beaten, bruised, and black eyed) I hate to admit it, but this is true.
- Any time Mort acknowledges his status as The Chew Toy: "Yay, I'm expendable!"
- Private's sugar buzz in "Skorca!" which allows him to ramble off a large number of non sequiturs:
- The other penguins pretending to fight the Skorka to appease Private, especially Kowalski being "dragged away".
- Julien getting scared of "Two-Scoopula," an inflatable shaped like an ice cream cone, at the end of the same episode.
- The end of "Tagged," where the scientist shows the new examples of penguin communication: the "up high," the "down low" and the "too slow."
- The end of "Crown Fools," where the penguins and Marlene realize that they have gone through some tough tasks to recover Julien's crown, only to realize after the fact that he had a spare. Rico spits up a crowbar, which Marlene then grabs and chases Julien with.
- Private interrupting Kowalski's epic plan to take back the jar containing Julien's groove in "Out of the Groove" by saying, "Wouldn't it be easier to just sneak into the habitat and take the jar...like I just did?"
- The I Know You Know I Know exchange from "Go Fish", especially once it gets to the Mind Screw-ing reveal that Julien and Skipper are actually each other.
- The penguins' reactions every time they take a bite out of the fish crackers. Once Skipper says “ABORT! ABORT!" they all try and recover, with Kowalski banging on the wall, Rico collapsing and Private... having an ugly moment off-screen.
- "Sorry Skipper, I don't know how the holiday snaps got in there. Dooh!" Cue Private getting slapped whenever a picture of the penguins at the beach are shown (and the pictures are hilarious as well). There's even a picture of Skipper slapping Private while Skipper is slapping Private as of now.
- "No, I will not suck seed. No one will be sucking seed!" manages to be an epic Getting Crap Past the Radar and a CMoF at the same time.
- Seconds later, he has another: "We shall see who is ridiculous when popcorn begins exploding from my bottom!"
- From the same episode, contrast the penguins and the lemurs methods of getting the popcorn. The lemurs sit on top of them like their popcorn eggs, and the penguins interrogate a kernel.
- Also, Skipper realizing that he shouldn't have installed deadly spikes on the roof of the hideout.
- "Buffalo Fire Fighters." Oh my.
- "Tell me we came out of the MOUTH." -In full deadpan mode.
- "It's About Time" had loads of these.
Future Kowalski #2: Skipper! You've got to stop me!
Skipper: (kicks him)
Future Kowalski #2: (falls over) Ow!
Skipper: (deadpan) There. You're stopped.
- All the funnier because Private pulled something similar earlier.
- Kowalski's reasoning for naming the Chrono-Tron as thus instead of just a time machine as the others suggested:
Kowalski: Oh, sure.
And while we're at it, let's call the Great Wall a "fence," the Mona Lisa a "doodle" and Albert Einstein "Mr. Smarty-pants!!!"
- Compare Private and then Skipper's questions about the future. Skipper's ideal future is especially freakish.
Private: Tell me, am I living in a cottage in Nova Scotia, happily married with one egg and another on the way?
Kowalski-A: Uh, no.
Private: Aw... (disappointed)
Skipper: Tell me, does the Earth become a post-apocalyptic wasteland terrorized by roaming bands of irradiated mutants?
Kowalski-B: Uh, no.
Skipper: Aw... (disappointed)
- In "Hello, Dollface", Rico wants a voice chip for his doll, so Private gives him one from a unicorn doll that's supposed to parody little girl educational shows (it says stuff like "be true to yourself", "don't hurt others", etc.). After Rico gets angry at it, Julien tells him to listen to whatever the doll says. Hilarity Ensues, culminating in Hippie!Rico beating up the others with Ms Perky.
"I thought hippies were nonviolent!"
"Eh, whaddyagonnado ..." *WHACK*
- "Snakehead" is chock full of funny moments. Like Skipper's Captain's Log:
Skipper: Ready all-
Kowalski (while sounding like a little girl): FIRE EVERYTHING!!!
- The training montage in "Whispers and Coups".
- "This is my peashooter! There are many like it...."
- Hans' Epic Fail of an attempt to insult Skipper:
"I don't have a sister, and if I did, she wouldn't have lips!"
"Really? ...Then who did I kiss...?"
- The same episode gave us this exchange:
Kowalski: Here is a pie chart of gifts one might give to a friend - cards, flowers, pastries, and of course, pie.
Kowalski: On the other hand, here are things one might give to an enemy - wedgies, contagious viruses, flaming sacks of doo-doo, and of course, poison pie.
Rico: Not yum.
Skipper: (sarcastically) Oh sure, Private, and then he'll fly away on his magic unicorn, spreading rainbows and pixie dust wherever he goes.
- From "Love Hurts", after Shauna diagnoses them:
Kowalski: "Avian Insanity"? *pft* Where would she get that crackpot diagnosis?
[cut to Rico snarling and relentlessly gnawing his cage bars]
- At the end of the episode , we have this exchange;
Skipper: Maybe it's just the medicine talking... are you naked...? ...Oh, we're all naked...!
- After Skipper asks Kowalski to describe koalas:
Kowalski: They eat nothing but leaves, the ladies carry their young in pouches, and they sleep all day.
Skipper: (deadpan) Oh. A hippie.
- Private's enhanced Cuteness Proximity, and the effect it has on everyone, including Alice.
- In "Cute-Astrophe", when Kowalski dances to try and get the people back to throw food again. And then the looks Skipper and Rico give him... You can't stop looking...
Man: Maybe the Polar Bear's got some new material...
Kowalski: The Polar Bear? *pft* Sure he's the biggest carnivore on land, but can he do this?!
(Boogie music starts to play from nowhere, and Kowalski starts boogeying. Skipper looks exasperated, like he's seen it a dozen times before, while Rico looks mildly nauseated and horrified at the sight)
- Kowalski is trying to be cool. Instead he dances like your least cool uncle. On top of everything he moves to slap his own buttocks, but Skipper catches his flipper just in time.
- Skipper's reason for the people not caring about their adorable antics.
Skipper: I blame the Internet, with its cheap plethora of puppy videos.
- Oh, boy Danger Wears a Cape. STOP BEING NAUGHTY.
- As Skipper beats up Julien, Maurice holds up signs with comic book sound effects on them, saying them out loud in a completely deadpan voice. Once Julien gives up and says he's retiring, he holds up a sign of an old man and says "Retirement".
- "Respect the science!"
- MY CAR!
- What about hearing it in Chinese in The Movie?
- Also MY CART!note
- Burt: SOME GUY'S CAR!
- Basically everything Mort does in the Blowhole episode. First there's him riding in the wheel of the bike, then him on the subway, hanging there and growling at the terrified people, the line "I took the subway!", and finally the dancing on the control panel.
- The Monty Python-esque randomness of Kowalski's dialogue in "Brain Drain".
Skipper: "Kowalski! Concentrate real hard. How do we help you?"
Kowalski: *concentrates* "Eggs ... are ... egg-shaped! That's funny!"
- Another from "Brain Drain:"
Skipper: How did you even manage that?!
Kowalski: [walks by with a plunger stuck to his face] Can't hear you! Toilet stick on face!
- It only gets better when Skipper, wanting to keep him out of the way, puts him on "line duty"; i.e., following a circle drawn on the floor "and don't stop until you reach the end".
- "Followthelinefollowthelinefollowthelinefollowthelinefollowthelinefollowthelinefollowtheline....I'VE LOST THE LINE!!!"
- "I STING YOUR FACE!"
- From the same episode, after the penguins have been stung once:
Skipper: They surprised us the first time, took away our greatest weapons: stealth and superior tactics! Well that ain't gonna happen twice.
Skipper: It happened twice!! IT HAPPENED TWICE!!
- In "The Hoboken Surprise", the gang are attacked by androids, which up till this point passed perfectly for real animals:
"Frances. In. Danger."
"Must. Destroy. Animals."
- Skipper gets amnesia He proceeds to get spirit guides. First was Buck Rotgut. Second was an ancient philosopher... third was Alex the Lion. Shortly after Alex appears, he teaches Skipper how to escape a missile... by dancing. Things only got funnier from there.
- "In the Line of Doody".
"Stick. Your option is a stick."
"I pulled the wrong one, alright?!"
- Any of Skipper's over-the-top rants about Hoboken Zoo.
"I've rotted away in gulags, work camps, penal colonies in every dirty flea-bitten corner of creation. But I promised myself that I would NEVER end up in Hoboken! At least not alive! I will pluck out my own eyeballs! I swear to you!"
- At the end of "Fit to Print," the penguins are convinced that their cover has been blown, and Skipper begins to assign new identities for when they need to flee New York. He tells Rico to pose as a professor of advanced linguistics at the University of Chicago. Cue 10 glorious seconds of Rico shouting, wailing, and making general random noises.
- Juilien in Operation Antarctica is a walking parody machine. Most notably...
- Also his acting of a Handsome Vampire. Listen especially close after the "deploy handsome vampire!" part!
"I am a handsome vampire. Bluh."
- The entirety of "I Was A Penguin Zombie."
Kowalski: We'll honor him the way he would've wanted. By soldiering on like men. (cut to Kowalski, Private, and Rico crying like babies)
Kowalski: (while he, Rico, and Private hide from Skipper in a dark enclosure) Okay, based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small dark room with creepy light. (Skipper smacks himself against the window and Private, Kowalski and Rico scream) EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED IS A LIE! (Kowalski, Private, and Rico run away and Skipper slides down the window)
(later when the penguins have cornered Skipper on a roof)
Kowalski: No mercy this time, boys! Rico, see if you can shut off your conscience and sense of decency.
- Rico urging Skipper to get closer, while menacingly slamming a crowbar into his flipper.
- Skipper finally getting why they think he's a zombie after getting a look at his reflection in a window before turning around only to get a hilarious Oh, Crap! expression once he sees Rico slamming the crowbar into his flipper.
- The second-to-last part where Kowalski, Rico, and Private pretend to believe Skipper when he says he's not a zombie and then tackle him, knocking themselves off the roof as Kowalski tells Skipper, "Nice try, zombie!" But then they all notice they're not on the roof and after getting a second to realize this, fall down.
- "Gonna eat my banana. Hope no one TAKES IT!"
- In Brain Drain, I can only grin madly at this little exchange which just adds to how absolutely adorably naive Private is. It's the tiniest of moments, which only makes it all the better:
Private: Gosh Kowalski, I think your brain power's already tip-top!
Kowalski: You also think there's a little man in the fridge who turns the light on and off.
Private: And one day I'll catch him!
- Add into that Kowalski's dry voice, and the slightly exasperated expression on Skipper's face, and you've got yourself a "Wait, what did he just say?" moment.
- Kowalski: I like peanuts and I like butter, but I do not like peanut butter. WEIRD!
- From The All-nighter before Christmas, Elephant rules.
- The storyboards are much funnier than the animation itself, such as Sunil Hall's drawings for "Time Out".
- An illustration by David Knott of the main four in Boyne, Michigan; Skipper declares, "All right, boys, this is too cold, even for us! Time to implement, Operation: Fly South!", while Private and Kowalski clutch each other tightly (Kowalski's expression is partly what makes this funny), and Rico is lighting a bomb for warmth!
- The scene in the penguins' quarters in "The Big Move" after the lemurs and all the small animals have left. Skipper is perfectly happy to be left in peace. I just love Skipper's stubbornness in that scene, the build up to We Want Our Jerk Back, and Kowalski's expression when Skipper talks into his ear.
Kowalski, Private and Rico are lying wide awake in their bunks.
Kowalski: ... Something's not right.
Private: It's the quiet, Kowalski. It's...
Skipper: Nope. It's fine. Good night.
(He turns over and goes back to sleep)
Kowalski(Appears behind Skipper with a radar): But, Skipper, the ambient noises-
Skipper: Ap-bup-bup-bup. Go to sleep. (Speaks into Kowalski's radar) That's an order.
Kowalski lies back into his bunk and he, Private and Rico are still disturbed by the silence
Skipper: You made the silence louder. Happy?
- The awkward pause in 'Nighty Night Ninja' after Kowalski shouts a bizarre Waking Non Sequitur.
- Private's harsh words towards The Archer in Mask of The Raccoon leave Kowalski and even Rico completely dumbfounded:
Private: You're a dirty liar!!! A, and your pants are on fire!!!
- The entirety of Invention Intervention.
- The presentation of Kowalski's Six-Foot-Whacking-Stick in Untouchable. It shows up a few times...
- Kowalski's seduction song.
- In "Private and the Winky Factory", Private is the temporary leader on the raid for the last ever Peanut Butter Winkies. Skipper asks him, what would he do first... so Private gives himself a Dope Slap.
Skipper: Ooh, good start.
- Then he starts making random hand signals once they arrive at the factory.
Skipper: Private, explain these random gesticulations.
Private: Isn't that what you always do?
Skipper: I make hand signals. They mean things.
Private: Really? Then what did mine mean?
[Skipper points to Kowalski and Rico dancing in hula outifits]
Kowalski: What? Are we cancelling our hula girl decoys?
Rico: (starts singing) Aloha Oe...
[Kowalski tells him to stop]
Rico: (disappointed, while taking off his wig) Awww man!
- Rico going crazy and I mean crazy after eating Marshmellow Meow-Meows.
- Kowalski also has the worst luck possible in this episode.
- This managed to get Rico to OUTRIGHT EAT KOWALSKI (as he looked like a marsh meow-meow) and regurgitates him out by the end.
Kowalski: (disturbed) The things I have seen...
Rico: Bad meow-meow! (faints)
- In "Snowmageddon", Kowalski suffering from cabin fever after being snowed in at Fred's gets into a large rant when Fred bugs him about he was close to figuring out how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. After Fred shows him the way out, he drops this gem:
Fred: Oh, and Kowalski? A woodchuck would chuck about 3 logs worth, given a standard diameter of 14 inches and the typical hardness of an oak. You know, if they could chuck wood.