In the episode "Be My Baby", Roseanne is complaining about trying to get pregnant...
Roseanne: Oh, poor Dan. He has to sit here with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life.
Dan: Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to shut up.
In the episode "Party Politics", D.J. starts skipping school, Darlene finds out, and to spite Roseanne who previously tried to get her and David back together doesn't tell her mother and helps D.J. by pretending to be her when the school calls. Roseanne becomes more and more annoyed as her attempts to get information out of D.J., Darlene and even David fail only to thwart the kids' plan in the final two minutes of the episode...
Darlene: (posing as Roseanne thinking the phone call is from the school) Yes this is Mrs. Connor. No he hasn't been able to make it he has been very sick.
*Cut to Fred handing the phone over to Roseanne.*
Roseanne: Don't mess with the master Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble I'm going to make you wish I was never born. Oh! And by the way, I know you and David made up too.
Jackie: What kind of obscene reading material did DJ have?
Roseanne: Well, either one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.
In the episode "War and Peace", Dan is arrested for beating the crap out of Jackie's abusive boyfriend, Fisher. Roseanne goes to the hospital with Jackie and sends Darlene to bail out her father. It goes about as well for Dan as you'd expect.
Darlene: Well, well, well...
Dan: Oh... man
Darlene: My, my, my, my, my
Dan: What are you doing here?
Darlene: You know I bet when you imagined us in this situation you always pictured your self on the other side of those bars.
Dan: Where's your mom?
Darlene: Organizing the candlelight vigil.
Dan: Come on, Darlene, I don't have time for this!
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.
Darlene: She took aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor so I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.
Dan: Give me the money.
Darlene: Alright, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.
Darlene: Prison's hardened you.
Dan: Now get in there and tell Ray to let me out of here.
Darlene: OK. By the way, I think it was a really cool thing you did.
Darlene: I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house...
In the last Thanksgiving episode, Bev goes on a huge anti-man tirade and accidentally reveals that she is a lesbian. Cue hilarious reactions from everyone at the dinner table and Darlene calmly snarks:
Darlene: Well, I think grandma just outed herself!
This line becomes even funnier when you think about Sarah Gilbert's recent coming out as a lesbian.
The trick Darlene, David, Becky, and Mark play on D.J. to make him think he's going insane.
The episode "Home Ec", in which Roseanne is a guest speaker in Darlene's Home Economics class (much to her daughter's embarrassment), and takes the kids on a field trip to the supermarket to show them how one shops on a limited budget for a family of five, and explains the whole thing in a way that only Rosie can. The cornflake meatloaf (made with ground beef that was 50% fat) may seem disgusting, but many families on similarly limited budgets will be quite familiar with the concept.
The episode where David gets a job at an amusement park joins a cult. First, there's when Roseanne tells him why she's taking him away: "Five words, David — you're dressed like a rabbit." Then there's the "deprogramming" scene:
Roseanne: All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy. You frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
David: I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening...
Roseanne: Listen to me, David! We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise!
David: Oh no, no, no, no!
Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that David? 'Cause I am an expert on what is mediocre. [David starts breathing heavily through his teeth] That's good! You hate me now, don't you David? You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
David: No, no, no I don't! You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
Roseanne[slaps him]: Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! Rabbits and geese and goats are not people! They don't sing and dance! They're food!!
The whole episode is a glorious Take That to ABC/Disney, after the network previously forced the producers to make what amounted to an infomercial for Disneyland.
The episode when a competing diner opens across the street from The Lunch Box, and Roseanne plots ways to sabotage it.
DJ: [with [fake] blood pouring out of his mouth] There's glass in the salad!
Roseanne: Now don't waste all those capsules or you'll have to bite real glass.
And then promptly causing him to get in an accident.
Roseanne's response to his bumper sticker:
Roseanne: "Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick." (short beat) PULL UP TO HIM, JACKIE!
This becomes funnier when Jerry who is in a car seat tries to join in (well as close a baby can do)
When Dan gets arrested for beating up Fisher, he agrees to go along quietly. But as he leaves, he says, "I'll drive."
Before that, Roseanne putting a piece of fried chicken in Dan's mouth to eat on the way to jail, because he hadn't eaten dinner yet.
From the above episode,Dan arrives home after beating up Fisher carrying a bucket of fried chicken. The following exchange is priceless:
Roseanne: Oh god! You didn't kill him and then buy chicken, did you?
Dan: Nah, I bought the chicken first.
Roseanne: Well, put some alcohol on that (his hand).
Dan: Good idea! (opens the fridge and takes out a beer)
Roseanne letting loose on Arnold after he returns from abandoning Nancy and claiming he was abducted by aliens.
Roseanne: HOW could you tell Nancy that you were abducted by space aliens?! There's NOT EVEN A TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM FOR THAT!!!
"Sherwood Schwartz: A Loving Tribute" features an extended fantasy sequence parodying Gilligan's Island. Jackie is Gilligan, Dan is the Skipper, Mark is the Professor, Darlene is Mary Ann, Leon and Bev are the Howells, and Roseanne is Ginger. And for some reason, David is there... and can't seem to find the basement. The end credits feature the surviving Gilligan cast playing the Roseanne characters in response... and David still wondering what's going on.
As Gilligan!Jackie runs by screaming and covered in lobsters:
Darlene: [David] thinks he's having pregnancy pains. Tell him that that's not possible.
Roseanne: Well, I don't know, Darlene. When my water broke, your father wet his pants.
In "Couch Potatoes," Dan intends to fix the couch:
Dan: When I get done, it'll be as good as new. Bev: This couch is pretty old and ratty. Why don't you just throw it out? Dan: Well, around here we don't throw things out just cause they're old and ratty. I mean, hell, they could be old, ratty and annoying, and we'd still keep them around.
In "Aliens," D.J. is participating in a spelling bee and his family is in attendance. When it comes down to just D.J., Dan prays that he gets a word that he knows. The teacher than says the word is "foreclosure." Cut to Roseanne and Dan smiling.
In "April Fools Day", every time Jackie mentions the word "audit" dramatic background music plays, which Dan and Roseanne are able to hear but Jackie isn't. Every time the music plays the two look around to find out where it's coming from as if they're going crazy since Jackie doesn't hear anything, until a fearful Roseanne decides they need to get out of the house.
This becomes a Brick Joke at the end when the word "audit" is mentioned, and Roseanne and Dan both expect the music to play. When they walk out the front door... DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!
Roseanne got to plan Leon's wedding in "December Bride" and turned into what Leon thought of as "every gay stereotype merged into one" including drag queens, pictures of Cher and Liza Minnelli everywhere, male strippers, and because they couldn't get a plastic figurine of two grooms for the cake, they settled for one of a groom and an action figure from Pocahontas.
When Jackie is looking through a selection of male strippers to hire, D.J. looks at one of the catalogs and says "Cool!" Dan worriedly asks why D.J. would say that while looking at those pictures, and D.J. responded "because that one's my math teacher!"
Leon gets cold feet and tries to leave through the bathroom window, when he gets stopped by Roseanne and the two get into an argument about Leon's pathetic reasons.
Leon: Scott says he is not himself in the morning until he has a Pop Tart. Well, what if they stop making Pop Tarts?!
Roseanne (over Leon's arguing): Leon, LEON, LISTEN TO ME. THEY WILL NEVER STOP MAKING POP TARTS!!!
And then Leon says what if he isn't really gay at all.
Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
"The Fifties Show" was a potshot at 1950s sitcoms done in black-and-white and presented as the "lost pilot" to Roseanne. The episode opened with Roseanne in a recliner, drinking a glass of brandy and smoking a cigarette in a fancy holder, addressing the audience in a fancy speaking voice.
Roseanne: Good evening. My name is Roseanne Barr-Pentland-Arnold-Thomas, or as I like to call me, Roseanne. What you are about to see is the original Roseanne show pilot. It has been lost for some forty years, along with my mind. The difference is that this episode has been found. Love to all my fans. Enjoy.
The scene then ends with Roseanne slowly pucking up her lips in an exaggerated way as she brings the cigarette holder to her mouth.
Dan's explanation for why he didn't throw away Roseanne's old weed in "A Stash from the Past".
DAN: But as I watched it float helplessly, I thought to myself, "Am I really ready for this part of my life to be over?" The next thing I knew, I was down on my knees with your hair dryer and the aquarium net.
In the last Halloween episode, "Satan, Darling," Roseanne realizes that the names of Darlene's creepy neighbors are an anagram for "Evil Demon Satan."
Roseanne: And look they also spell "Save Damien, Not L." And Damien was that horrible devil child from The Omen!
Darlene: Who's L?
Roseanne: I dunno.
And of course this just becomes hilarious when Death Note is added to the equation.