- In the episode "Be My Baby", Roseanne is complaining about trying to get pregnant...
Roseanne: Oh, poor Dan. He has to sit here with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life.
Dan: Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to shut up.
- In the episode "Party Politics", D.J. starts skipping school, Darlene finds out, and to spite Roseanne who previously tried to get her and David back together doesn't tell her mother and helps D.J. by pretending to be her when the school calls. Roseanne becomes more and more annoyed as her attempts to get information out of D.J., Darlene and even David fail only to thwart the kids' plan in the final two minutes of the episode...
: (posing as Roseanne thinking the phone call is from the school)
Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No he hasn't been able to make it he has been very sick. (Cut to Fred handing the phone over to Roseanne) Roseanne
: Don't mess with the master Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble I'm going to make you wish I was never born. Oh! And by the way, I know you and David made up too. Darlene
: How did you figure that out? Roseanne
: You just told me
! (hangs up phone)
- In "Crime and Punishment":
Jackie: What kind of obscene reading material did DJ have?
Roseanne: Well, either one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.
** Said 'obscene reading material' turns out to be an underground comic that Darlene made - which Roseanne thinks is funny.
- Roseanne and Jackie get into an argument over Jackie not making any time for Roseanne with her relationship, which leads to Jackie storming out of work and to this exchange:
- The episode "War and Peace" may be a moment of awesome for Dan as he beats up Jackie's abusive boyfriend, Fisher, but it has a lot of funny moments as well.
- Dan arrives home after beating up Fisher carrying a bucket of fried chicken. The following exchange is priceless:
Roseanne: Oh god! You didn't kill him and then buy chicken, did you?
Dan: Nah, I bought the chicken first.
Roseanne: I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
Dan: Well, it started out that way.
Roseanne: What'd he say?
Dan: Well, if I remember correctly, "Ouch, ouch. My head." Something along those lines.
Roseanne: Better put some alcohol on that [his hand].
Dan: Good idea! (opens the fridge and takes out a beer)
- When Dan gets arrested for beating up Fisher, he agrees to go along quietly. But as he leaves, he says, "I'll drive."
- Roseanne puts a piece of fried chicken in Dan's mouth to eat on the way to jail, because he hadn't eaten dinner yet.
- And the end credits scene, in which the police car is waiting at a light, and who should pull up next to them but DJ's principal?
- Roseanne goes to the hospital with Jackie and sends Darlene to bail out her father. It goes about as well for Dan as you'd expect.
: Well, well, well... Dan
: Oh... man. Darlene
: My, my, my, my, my. Dan
: What are you doing here? Darlene
: You know I bet when you imagined us in this situation you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars. Dan
: Where's your mom? Darlene
: Organizing the candlelight vigil. Dan
: Come on, Darlene, I don't have time for this! Darlene
: Oh, I think you do. Beat Darlene
: She took aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor so I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you. Dan
: Give me the money. Darlene
: Alright, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance. Dan
: Now! Darlene
: Prison's hardened you. Dan
: Now get in there and tell Ray to let me out of here. Darlene
: OK. By the way, I think it was a really cool thing you did. Dan
: Thanks. Darlene
: I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house... (short beat) Darlene
: Mom says we have a new daddy now.
- In the last Thanksgiving episode, Bev goes on a huge anti-man tirade and accidentally reveals that she is a lesbian. Cue hilarious reactions from everyone at the dinner table and Darlene calmly snarks:
Darlene: Well, I think grandma just outed herself!
- This line becomes even funnier when you think about Sarah Gilbert's coming out as a lesbian.
- Leon's response is hilarious, too. "Welcome to the club. We'll teach you the secret handshake!"
- The trick Darlene, David, Becky, and Mark play on D.J. to make him think he's going insane.
- The episode "Home Ec", in which Roseanne is a guest speaker in Darlene's Home Economics class (much to her daughter's embarrassment), and takes the kids on a field trip to the supermarket to show them how one shops on a limited budget for a family of five, and explains the whole thing in a way that only Rosie can. The cornflake meatloaf (made with ground beef that was 50% fat) may seem disgusting, but many families on similarly limited budgets will be quite familiar with the concept.
- The episode where David gets a job at an amusement park. First, there's when Roseanne tells him why she's taking him away: "Five words, David — you're dressed like a rabbit." Then there's the "deprogramming" scene:
Roseanne: All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy. You frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
David: I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening...
Roseanne: Listen to me, David! We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise!
David: Oh no, no, no, no!
Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that David? 'Cause I am an expert on what is mediocre. [David starts breathing heavily through his teeth] That's good! You hate me now, don't you David? You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
David: No, no, no I don't! You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
Roseanne [slaps him]: Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! Rabbits and geese and goats are not people! They don't sing and dance! They're food!!
- David then breaks down in ridiculous sobbing as Roseanne holds him to her chest and says "Welcome home, son."
- The whole episode is a glorious Take That! to ABC/Disney, after the network previously forced the producers to make what amounted to an infomercial for Disneyland.
- There's some debate on whether or not the show was "forced" to make a Disney episode. Both Barr and Goodman stated in separate interviews that all the other more squeaky-clean, family-friendly shows in ABC's lineup (Step By Step, Full House, etc.) were getting free trips to Disneyland, while Roseanne was treated like the red-headed stepchild the network was ashamed of. Their version implies that the cast had to demand they get a trip, too. Barr went on to say she found the experience at Disneyland so micromanaged and polished that it struck her as the antithesis of all the comfortable chaos of the Connor family, hence the backlash episode. Whatever the real story, Take That!, Disney!
- Roseanne conducts herself expertly in "Pretty in Black." The audience expects Darlene's birthday party to go off conventionally, but it turns out that not only does Roseanne want Darlene to leave, but Darlene, who would rather spend evening with her friends, is thrilled! They troll Darlene with the prospect of a dance contest before letting her take off.
- After Darlene leaves, Roseanne and her posse hijack the birthday party and proceed to behave like teenagers.
- The ladies play a game of Truth or Dare; Roseanne's dare backfires when she flashes not only Dan, but a new neighbor, as well.
- The tag for the episode where Crystal marries Dan's father is funny. It's presented as a video cassette recording of the wedding reception. there's a few moments of fast forwarding where you can see the guests doing the Bunny Hop. Then Roseanne and Dan try to record a congratulatory message for Crystal and Dan's father, and Dan makes several kind, supportive remarks. Crystal, offscreen, shouts "WE'RE CUTTING THE CAKE," at which point Dan hastily excuses himself.
- The episode when a competing diner opens across the street from The Lunch Box, and Roseanne plots ways to sabotage it.
DJ: [with [fake] blood pouring out of his mouth] There's glass in the salad!
Roseanne: Now, don't waste all those capsules or you'll have to bite real glass.
- Roseanne and Jackie chasing down a sexist trucker.
- Roseanne letting loose on Arnold after he returns from abandoning Nancy and claiming he was abducted by aliens.
Roseanne: HOW could you tell Nancy that you were abducted by space aliens?! There's NOT EVEN A TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM FOR THAT!!!
- "Sherwood Schwartz: A Loving Tribute" features an extended fantasy sequence parodying Gilligan's Island. Jackie is Gilligan, Dan is the Skipper, Mark is the Professor, Darlene is Mary Ann, Leon and Bev are the Howells, and Roseanne is Ginger. And for some reason, David is there... and can't seem to find the basement. The end credits feature the surviving Gilligan cast playing the Roseanne characters in response... and David still wondering what's going on.
- In "What a Day for a Daydream":
Darlene: [David] thinks he's having pregnancy pains. Tell him that that's not possible.
Roseanne: Well, I don't know, Darlene. When my water broke, your father wet his pants.
- When Roseanne refuses to let sixteen-year-old Darlene drop out of high school (even though she plans to take an equivalence test so she can start applying to colleges), Darlene and David sneak out to a secluded spot to fill out applications in secret. A cop steps up, shines a light in the window, and asks the teens what they're doing in there. David replies "Filling out college applications" while Darlene adds plaintively, "My mother won't let us do it in the house."
- In "Couch Potatoes," Dan intends to fix the couch:
Dan: When I get done, it'll be as good as new.
Bev: This couch is pretty old and ratty. Why don't you just throw it out?
Dan: Well, around here we don't throw things out just cause they're old and ratty. I mean, hell, they could be old, ratty and annoying, and we'd still keep them around.
- Roseanne has two great lines in the same episode: first, when Dan accidentally breaks the couch. "Well, there goes that family of kittens." And later, when Bev gives her old couch to them. "It smells like Mom; it feels like Mom. It's like sitting on MOM!"
- In "Aliens", D.J. is participating in a spelling bee and his family is in attendance. When it comes down to just D.J., Dan prays that he gets a word that he knows. The teacher than says the word is "foreclosure". Cut to Roseanne and Dan smiling.
- In "April Fools Day", every time Jackie mentions the word "audit" dramatic background music plays, which Dan and Roseanne are able to hear but Jackie isn't. Every time the music plays the two look around to find out where it's coming from as if they're going crazy since Jackie doesn't hear anything, until a fearful Roseanne decides they need to get out of the house.
- This becomes a Brick Joke at the end when the word "audit" is mentioned, and Roseanne and Dan both expect the music to play. When they walk out the front door... DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!
- At the very end of "Bird is the Word", Roseanne leaves the principal's office at Becky's school and notices the secretary is gone. She picks up the intercom microphone and announces, "Attention, all students taking Latin: you're wasting your lives!" before runs off. Currently, this can only be seen on DVD as all syndicated edits of the episode end just before this part.
- Roseanne got to plan Leon's wedding in "December Bride" and turned into what Leon thought of as "every gay stereotype merged into one" including drag queens, pictures of Cher and Liza Minnelli everywhere, male strippers, and because they couldn't get a plastic figurine of two grooms for the cake, they settled for one of a groom and an action figure from Pocahontas.
- When Jackie is looking through a selection of male strippers to hire, D.J. looks at one of the catalogs and says "Cool!" Dan worriedly asks why D.J. would say that while looking at those pictures, and D.J. responded "because that one's my math teacher!"
- Leon gets cold feet and tries to leave through the bathroom window, when he gets stopped by Roseanne and the two get into an argument about Leon's pathetic reasons.
Leon: Scott says he is not himself in the morning until he has a Pop Tart. Well, what if they stop making Pop Tarts?!
Roseanne (over Leon's arguing): Leon, LEON, LISTEN TO ME. THEY WILL NEVER STOP MAKING POP TARTS!!!
- And then Leon says what if he isn't really gay at all.
- And the one thing that snaps Leon out of it? Kissing Roseanne.
Leon: I'm gay. Let's do it.
- "The Fifties Show" was a potshot at 1950s sitcoms done in black-and-white and presented as the "lost pilot" to Roseanne. The episode opened with Roseanne in a recliner, drinking a glass of brandy and smoking a cigarette in a fancy holder, addressing the audience in a fancy speaking voice.
Roseanne: Good evening. My name is Roseanne Barr-Pentland-Arnold-Thomas, or as I like to call me, Roseanne. What you are about to see is the original Roseanne show pilot. It has been lost for some forty years, along with my mind. The difference is that this episode has been found. Love to all my fans. Enjoy.
- The scene then ends with Roseanne slowly puckering up her lips in an exaggerated way as she brings the cigarette holder to her mouth.
- The scene at the beginning of "PMS I Love You":
- Then there's Roseanne's toast at Dan's birthday party later in that episode.
Roseanne: So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my soulmate, my friend, my rock...
Dan: [to himself] God, please, let this be over...
Roseanne: ...a great big rock that just sits on my couch and does nothing but watch TV!
Dan: [to himself] That's it - God's a woman.
Roseanne: Oh, occasionally, y'know, it'll ask for a beer and then I have to go in there and get it because after all, it is just a ROCK, and a rock can't just tip itself over and roll over to the refrigerator, can it? So I have to get the beer for it... yep! A big, TV-watching, beer-drinking rock. But he's MY rock, and I must live with it. [downs her champagne in one gulp]
- Dan's explanation for why he didn't throw away Roseanne's old weed in "A Stash from the Past".
Dan: But as I watched it float helplessly, I thought to myself, "Am I really ready for this part of my life to be over?" The next thing I knew, I was down on my knees with your hair dryer and the aquarium net.
- And the end, after Dan and Roseanne have decided to go sober up:
Jackie: Hey, guys? I don't think this stuff's workin'...
- In the last Halloween episode, "Satan, Darling," Roseanne realizes that the names of Darlene's creepy neighbors are an anagram for "Evil Demon Satan."
: And look they also spell "Save Damien, Not L." And Damien was that horrible devil child from The Omen
: Who's L? Roseanne
: I dunno.
- And of course this just becomes hilarious when Death Note is added to the equation.
- From the Season 3 premiere, "The Test," when Roseanne, Jackie and Crystal are in the bathroom about to do Roseanne's pregnancy test.
Dan: [knocking on the bathroom door] Roseanne, what the hell is going on in there?
Roseanne: We're worshiping Satan, honey! We'll be right out!
- The guest appearances of Edina and Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous.
- Patsy and Jackie both think the other's a guy, and then Patsy mentions she actually was for a year before "It dropped off."
- Edina tries to convince Roseanne to make her her publicist. When Roseanne says she has four kids, Edina says they have to get rid of at least two and will try to get Mia Farrow to adopt them.
- Edina saying they can clone Jackie O. ala Jurassic Park from blood on a used razor.
- Everybody proceeding to get drunker and drunker, leading up to Edina crawling into Roseanne's bathroom stall to negotiate with her before finally passing out during the credits. And no one notices or gives a shit. What makes it better is that the rest of the credits are just her on the floor before she finally wakes up.
- Roseanne's drunken rant defending Kathie Lee Gifford using child labor.
- The girls trying to wake up Roseanne after she passes out. When informed she had ten martinis and "that thing" Patsy gave her, Patsy immediately pulls out a funnel and suggests pumping her stomach. Edina tries slapping Roseanne awake before Jackie tells her to step aside... and punches her.
- While looking for Darlene in her satanist neighbors' apartment, Roseanne briefly stops to check out a framed painting of the design from the infamous chicken sweater, and looks very disturbed and unnerved by it.
- When first meeting the group of witches, they try to get her to drink a suspicious potion, but Roseanne says she'll only take it from "That witch!" Cue Marlo Thomas about to go through the opening credits of That Girl before she has to tell the background music to "Stop it!"
- Jackie tells their Auntie Barbara that their father has passed away.
- Much of the Season 3 episode "Like a Virgin," including the birth control talk, the entire scene when Roseanne catches Darlene and Brian making out on the couch, and the "sex talk" with both girls that follows.
- Roseanne and Jackie both trying to squeeze into the sleeper cab in Jackie's truck, which appears to be about two-thirds the width of a twin bed.
- The ending jokes are sometimes the funniest parts of the whole episode. Some memorable moments include Laurie Metcalf polishing her Emmy and Roseanne and John Goodman chasing her to try and steal it; Bruce Willis' surprise appearance; the Two Beckys parody of the Patti Duke credits, and Fabio.
- Meg Wellman is prone to Accidental Misnaming, such as calling Roseanne "Roxanne" and calling Jackie "Janet." One day, Roseanne introduces her to Dan by saying, "You know my husband, Don," then whispers to Dan, "Trust me." Sure enough, Meg replies with, "Of course! It's nice to see you, Dan!" (Naturally she goes back to Don later in the scene.)
- Jackie spraying her mattress with disinfectant after she sleeps with Arnie. The look of disgust and resolution on her face is so strong, you can practically read the "I should just throw this out" thought bubble above her head.
- In one episode, David has a sex dream about Roseanne. Dan's reaction when he finds out?
Dan: (completely deadpan) Well I see no choice dear, you must give yourself to him.
- In "The Parenting Trap" DJ is having spontaneous erections at school and is embarrassed to go up to the board. Dan talks to him, but Roseanne doesn't like his solution ("Put a book in front of it"), so she sits DJ down for a heart to heart and tells him about when she got her first period. Cue DJ running screaming from the room!
Dan: "Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?"
DJ: "Mom just told me a story and I don't wanna hear it anymore!"
Dan: "Well that's no reason to run from the room screaming like a maniac!"
DJ: "It was about her having her period!"
Dan: "...As you were."
DJ: (running up the stairs)"I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!!!"
- In "Two For One", Roseanne walks into the basement to confront Darlene and David while they're both lying on the bed reading.
Roseanne: You two are having sex!
Darlene: We are? David, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down.
- At the beginning of "Becky, Beds, and Boys", DJ is playing shadow with Darlene.
Darlene: (reading a magazine)
Ahem. DJ: (reading a magazine)
Stop it! DJ:
Stop it! Darlene:
I mean it! DJ:
I mean it! Darlene:
Cut it out, creep! DJ:
Cut it out, creep! Darlene:
Dad! Dan: (reading a newspaper)
It's DJ! DJ:
It's DJ! Darlene:
I'm gonna kill him! DJ:
I'm gonna kill him! Dan:
Why, what's he doing? [Roseanne comes home] Darlene:
Darlene saying everything DJ's saying the second before he says it. Roseanne: That is so immature! Roseanne:
Hey Darlene, do you ever think about banging your head on the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out. Darlene: Thank you very much. DJ:
Thank you very much. Darlene:
You're dead! DJ:
You're dead! [Darlene chases DJ up the stairs]
- The shows return naturally takes jabs at some of season 9's more infamous decisions, and takes the piss with other infamous moments.
- The very first scene has Roseanne wake up from a nightmare where she thought Dan had died.
Dan: Why does everyone keep thinking I'm dead?
- Becky decides to become a surrogate. And who plays the woman she's having it for? Her brief replacement actress, Sarah Chalke.
- Throughout the first episode of Season 10, we're led to believe Jackie voted for Hillary Clinton, and that's why she's fighting with Roseanne. Turns out she panicked and voted for Jill Stein.
Roseanne: Who's Jill Stein?
Jackie: Some doctor!
- Either funnier or less funny with the fact that Jill Stein was also the Green party nominee in 2012, beating out Roseanne Barr herself for the nomination
- The end of Dress to Impress answers the Scottish Question (no, UK politics wonks, the other Scottish Question) when Mark climbs on some stacked furniture to sink a basket. Initially Dan spots him but then winces and looks away when he got to the top.
Dan (to Darlene): OK, the kid doesn't have to wear pants every day, but you at least gotta get him some underwear!
- Dan's commentary as he races the automatic chair against Roseanne as if he were a horse racing announcer.
- Roseanne dunking Harris' head in the sink in "Roseanne Gets the Chair". It's so sudden and shocking that it reaches Crossing the Line Twice territory.
Roseanne: Welcome to the Hillbilly Day Spa!
- In "Eggs Over, Not Easy", Becky brings home a dog and shows him off to her siblings, DJ however says he can't go near one due to believing he's "allergic". Darlene tells him that he was never allergic to Dogs and Roseanne only said that because she didn't want a dog in the house. DJ leaves sadden due to now knowing he could have had a dog all this time.
- Bev getting kicked out of her nursing home. For having A LOT of sex. With multiple people...at once.