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From the book
- The entire first chapter. The Muggle Prime Minister's reaction to Fudge and his antics is absolutely hilarious.
- Especially funny when you realize that the Muggle Prime Minister at the time was John Major. Or, in other words, the least funny, greyest man not just in British politics but those of any other country, the man who ran away from the circus to become an accountant, whose most charismatic moment was squeeing at his old concrete house in Brixton, is now having a conversation with the Minister of Magic.
- Fudge mentions that the Prime Minister's predecessor tried to throw him out a window. Major's predecessor was Margaret Thatcher. It's something you can actually imagine the Iron Lady doing, and it's great if you do.
- "Yeah, ghosts are transparent, but Inferi are dead bodies, aren't they. So they'd be solid—”
"It's good to know six years of magical education have not been lost on you. Ghosts are transparent."
- Ron immediately points out that this is the most important difference in any practical situation. "When we come face to face with one down a dark alley ,we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, "Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?" This gets a laugh out of the class...until they see Snape's expression.
- Gryffindor's second Quidditch match. In layman's terms: Gryffindor's goalkeeper tries to teach the Beater (who hits heavy iron balls called Bludgers at other players) how to play his position, inadvertently using Harry as his object of demonstration. He wakes up hours later in the Hospital Wing, with a cracked skull. Madam Pomfrey mends it at once with a spell, but:
Madam Pomfrey: I'm keeping you in overnight. You shouldn't over exert yourself for a few hours.
Harry: I don't want to stay here overnight, I want to find McLaggen and kill him.
Madam Pomfrey: I'm afraid that would come under the heading of "over-exertion".
- Also on McLaggen,
Ron: Final score: Three-hundred-and-twenty to... sixty.
Harry: Brilliant! When I get hold of McLaggen...Ron (without missing a beat) : You don't want to get hold of McLaggen, he's the size of a troll... Personally, I think there’s a lot to be said for hexing him."
- And Harry's response...
- Then shortly afterward Ron casually mentions that Ginny had stopped by while Harry was unconscious. "Harry's imagination immediately went into overdrive, swiftly constructing a scene in which a tearful Ginny confessed her feelings of deep attraction while Ron gave them his blessing..." Only to have it implode when Ron mentions she was just wondering why he was so late for the match. You can almost hear the Record Needle Scratch.
- "But the more I hint I want to finish it, the tighter she holds on. It's like going out with the giant squid."
- Try not to laugh when Hagrid and Slughorn get hammered and start singing a sad song. You will fail.
Slughorn: And Odo the hero, they bore him back home, to the place that he knew as a lad, they laid him to rest with his hat inside out, and his wand snapped in two, which was sad.
Hagrid: (about how good people die young) ...terrible.
Slughorn: Sorry. Can't carry a tune to save my life.
- What about the "Roonil Wazlib" scene?
Snape: This is your book?
Snape: Then why does it have the name "Roonil Wazlib" in it?
Harry: (beat) That's my nickname.
Snape: Your nickname.
Harry: That's what my friends call me.
Snape: I understand what a nickname is.
- The reactions of the Gryffindors to The Big Damn Kiss between Harry and Ginny. Hermione is amazingly happy that it finally happened, Romilda Vane wants to throw something at them, Dean Thomas squeezed his glass until it shattered in his hand, while Ron gives Harry the OK he's been dreading asking for the entire book.
- Luna, perhaps out of desperation, being chosen to comment on the Quidditch match.
- Peeves blocking a hallway and claiming he won't allow anyone to go through unless they set their pants on fire. Harry and Ron just take a different route. Five minutes later, Neville comes in, smoking and looking for a pair of pants to change into.
- This exchange:
Snape: Yes sir.
Harry: There's no need to call me 'sir', professor.
- Ron diving behind Hermione everytime he thinks Lavender is passing by: "Hide me!"
- Harry's method of getting rid of Goyle when Goyle's disguised via polyjuice potion as a little girl while standing watch for Malfoy: to walk up behind him/her and go: "Hello... you're very pretty, aren't you?" prompting Goyle to run away screaming.
- The fact that Malfoy has Crabbe and Goyle masquerading as girls for almost the entirety of the story is hilarious in and of itself when one remembers that Crabbe and Goyle are hulking brutes known for their size, and Malfoy has them turning into second-year girls.
- The students first seeing the love potion and how they just, sort of, float toward it.
- "Yes, Harry Potter! And if Dobby does it note wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!"
Dobby: (proudly, swaying where he stands) "Dobby has not slept for a week, sir!"Hermione: (gives Harry a scandalized look).
- Which becomes a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment, considering someone does get thrown off the topmost tower at book's end...
- Later, while reporting on said job:
- The sign outside Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.
- "WHY ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHO?YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT U-NO-POOTHE CONSTIPATION SENSATION THAT'S GRIPPING THE NATION!"
- Especially Molly's initial (nonverbal) reaction of complete disbelief.
- The almighty Peeves can always be counted on for a good laugh.
"Bitey, scratchy, pokey, draw his cork and pulls his earsy""Where there's strife and when there's trouble"Call on Peevsie he'll make double!"
- After Harry drinks the Felix Felicis, and acts like he's high.
Hermione: This is Felix Felicis, I suppose? You don't have another bottle of. . .Ron: Essence of Insanity?
- Flitwick's punishment to Seamus:
Seamus (writing): I am a wizard,not a baboon brandishing a stick.
- The first time Harry tried the Levicorpus spell, unaware of its effect, and hung Ron upside down above his own bed. His reaction sums it up pretty well.
Ron: Next time, I'd rather you use an alarm clock...
- Right after Harry let him go:
- Slughorn's response to Umbridge calling the centaurs "Filthy Half-breeds"
"That's what she did, did she? Idiotic woman. Never liked her.
- Harry's response: "I didn't like her, either".
- This exchange:
Ron: If you tell them [the twins] about it [Lavender's necklace] I'll...I'll...Harry: Stutter at me?
- Dumbledore's scenes at the Dursleys, the very notion of Dumbledore (THE full bodied wizard archetype) being there is hilarious, but the lines shared when they interact are hilarious, especially:
Dumbledore: ...But accidental rudeness happens alarmingly often.
- Dumbledore's wineglasses tapping the Dursleys on the head for attention.
- Also hilarious: this is actually the image for the chapter title.
- Tapping nothing. When they ignore the wineglasses for long enough, the wineglasses start getting violently insistent. Ontop of this, Harry notes Dumbledore subtlety enjoying all this very much.
"Albus Dumbledore," said Dumbledore when Uncle Vernon failed to effect an introduction. "We have corresponded, of course." Harry thought this an odd way of reminding Aunt Petunia that he had once sent her an exploding letter,note but Aunt Petunia did not challenge the term.
- Earlier in the scene where Dumbledore meets Petunia:
- Dumbledore's wineglasses tapping the Dursleys on the head for attention.
- Immediately after this comes the visit to Professor Slughorn's house, where Dumbledore leaves Harry alone with Slughorn so as to persuade him to return to Hogwarts—by asking to use the loo. Even better is the fact he returns afterwards with a magazine he wants to keep "for the knitting patterns": it's a nice bit of obfuscation, but it also highlights his eccentricity and hilarious kookiness.
- Harry's pining after Ginny results in a lot of these:
"It was natural that he would be concerned about her. Natural that he would want to look after her. Natural that he would want to blast Dean into a million pieces for kissing her...no, he would have to control that particular brotherly instinct.""Ginny kept popping up his dreams in ways that made him devoutly thankful that Ron couldn't perform Legilimency."
- Snape's deliberate tweaking of Bellatrix in the second chapter, where he answers all her suspicions about his loyalty, while almost constantly insulting her:
Snape: "Of course you weren't a lot of use to him [in Azkaban], but the gesture was undoubtedly fine."Bellatrix: "GESTURE?!"
- The voice Stephen Fry gives Bellatrix on the audio books for this makes it even funnier.
- Luna Lovegood meets Professor Trelawny. Luna starts telling her about the "Rotfang Conspiracy" (the non-existent aurors' plan to bring down the Ministry of Magic by using "a combination of Dark Magic and gum disease"); Trelawny is genuinely fascinated.
- When Fleur at first tells Mrs. Weasley that Bill will still love her after he was attacked by Greyback, and then when she does understand what Mrs. Weasley was inferring raves about how she doesn't care about how Bill looks and that she's "Good looking enough for the both of them!"
- A small one during Dumbledore's funeral when Umbridge sees Firenze and immediately books it to a seat as far away from him as possible.
- Another small gem: Kreacher sends Harry a Christmas present while he's away at the Burrow. It's a package full of maggots.
- The conversation where Hermione explains to Harry that, with the public revelation that Harry was right about Voldemort being back and the papers calling him "The Chosen One", he's "basically never been more fanciable". Her dispassionate recital of the facts and Ron's attempts to interject are excellent:
"And you've been through all that persecution from the Ministry when they were trying to make out that you were unstable and a liar. You can still see the marks on the back of your hand where that evil woman made you write with your own blood, but you stuck to your story anyway...""You can still see where those brains got hold of me in the Ministry, look," said Ron, shaking back his sleeves."And it doesn't hurt that you've grown about a foot over the summer either," Hermione finished, ignoring Ron."I'm tall," said Ron, inconsequentially.
- Think vampires are scary? Meet Sanguini, the vampire who attends the Slug Club party on the invitation of wizard Eldred Worple. When he's not leering at the necks of young ladies (to Worple's annoyance), he's chatting amicably with Luna Lovegood. Your call on which is weirder.
- Probably the former to be honest; Luna would find a blood sucking vampire absolutely fascinating, and he's probably thrilled to find someone that is either a) not scared of him or b) so crazy that she just doesn't care, that he can actually have a civil conversation with.
- The way Stephen Fry describes Hermione's reaction to Harry's Bezoar trick. She's basically spent the whole class working so hard on her potion and being filled with glee at the idea that Harry will finally be caught out. Slughorn's reaction is to find it Actually Pretty Funny. If it were a cartoon, you can picture Hermione boiling over in anger.
- Additionally one of the ingredients in her potion somehow includes a chunk of her own hair.
- After Madam Pince throws them out of the library, Harry jokes that it's because she overheard Hermione talking about Filch - and that he's always felt they may have had something going on between them. Hermione scoffs at the idea, but has apparently been joking about it with Harry by the time they get back to the common room.
- This turns into a Brick Joke during Dumbledore's funeral - Filch and Madam Pince are sitting next to each other.
- Luna casually and non-chalantly tells Harry about her impossible theory that Rufus Scrimgeour the Minister for Magic is a vampire. Even before considering to object it, Harry decides to let it be simply because she's Luna.
From the film
- After Slughorn finally agrees to Dumbledore's offer, Dumbledore starts humming happily.
- After Luna fixes Harry's broken nose:
Harry: How do I look?
Luna: Exceptionally ordinary.
- In the Slug Party:
"What's this I'm eating again?"
"Dragon Balls.''(Cormac vomits on Snape, then wordlessly stands up straight)
Snape: You just bought yourself a month's detentions, McLaggen.
Snape: Not... so quick, Potter.Harry: Oh sir I really think I should get back to the party. My date...Snape: ...could surely survive your absence another minute or two.
- Harry then tries to make a quick getaway:
- And Snape probably knew (either through Legilimency or just because he's Snape) that Luna was Harry's date - and, more than likely, he was absolutely right.
- Hermione trying to duck her date, who she only brought because she thought it would annoy Ron. Her Adorkable actions are priceless.
- What sells it is where a waiter offers Harry and Hermione some dragon tartare. They both politely decline. The waiter says it's a good decision, as it gives horrific bad breath. Hermione seizes the platter and immediately starts cramming them into her mouth.
- Ron characteristically ruining a moment between Harry and Ginny at the Burrow on Christmas Eve. As Ginny feeds Harry a dainty mince pie from her plate, Ron sits heavily between them, and appears clueless to both their exasperated faces.
- He then offers them a plate of rather larger mince pies, which appear to have been made with somewhat less care than Ginny's. A nice bit of visual symbolism.
- Also before that. Mr. Weasley leaves the room as soon as Ginny arrives, seemingly invokes the Leave the Two Lovebirds Alone trope.
- Ron spotting his sister making out with Dean Thomas:
Ron: I'd like to go home now.
- Hermione's butterbeer mustache and her startled hare-type reaction followed by a Longing Look when Ron just as awkwardly points it out. It's like she's saying "Great, he failed to get my hint about us snogging and now I'm embarrassing myself."
- Harry standing up when Ginny enters Slughorn's party in her Little Black Dress.
- Harry under the influence of Felix Felicis:
Prof. Slughorn: Harry?!
Harry: (same annoyed tone) Sir?!
- Harry during the whole Felix Felicis scene is complete funny awesomeness. Harry, with his uncharacteristically peppy attitude, steals the entire scene (especially when he enacts how a giant spider's pincers work).
- Seriously, Google "not to mention the pincers" on images. There's a bunch of them. And, it's hysterical.
- What's even funnier is that he's acting like he's high.
- Dan's line reading of "Personally these plants always kind of freak me out. Hmm."
- And what's great is that it's such a subtle, out-of-the-blue performance. Harry's under a potion that brings him luck so he could pry the secrets of the Horcruxes out of the professor, and a side effect is that he acts overly cheerful and delirious, and acts like he doesn't know what's going on!
- The whole bit with Slughorn sneakily cutting a leaf from a plant in the greenhouse when Harry walking into frame in the background, turning and seeing him and getting right next to him without saying anything and Slughorn getting the crap scared out of him when he turns his head.
- Right after taking the Potion, Harry's alarmingly happy "HI!" to a random dude.
- There might be an interview somewhere, where Dan said that he enjoyed doing the Felix Felicis scenes because instead of acting like Harry, he simply had to act like himself.
- Hermione warning Harry about Romilda Vane:
Hermione: I think she's trying to smuggle you a Love Potion.
Harry: Really? (smiles at her)
Hermione: She's only interested in you because she thinks you're The Chosen One!
Harry: But I am The Chosen One.
(Hermione slaps Harry upside the head)
Harry: Sorry. Don't worry, I'll take someone I like. Someone cool.
(hard cut to Luna)
- "So did you and Ginny do it, then?" "What?"
- Luna's adorable Gryffindor hat◊.
- Ron under the love potion. All of it. Ron staring at the moon when he was under Romilda Vane's love charm:
Ron: It's beautiful, isn't it? The moon.
Harry: Divine. Had ourselves a little late night snack, did we?
Ron: It was on your bed, the box, I just thought I'd try one.
Harry: Or twenty.
Ron: I can't stop thinking about her, Harry.
Harry: Honestly, you know, I reckon she was starting to annoy you.
Ron: She could never annoy me. I think I love her.
Harry: Oh... brilliant.
Ron: Do you think she knows I exist?
Harry: Well, I'd bloody well hope so, she's been snogging you for three months.
Ron: Snogging? Who are you talking about?
Harry: Who are you talking about?
Ron: Romilda, of course. Romilda Vane.
Harry: Okay, very funny.
Ron: (throws the chocolates box at Harry)
Harry: What was that for?
Ron: It's no joke! I'm in love with her!
Harry: Alright, fine, you're in love with her! Have you ever actually met her?
Ron: No... Can you introduce me?
- The bit where Snape tells Harry that Dumbledore has had to go, and when Harry asks where, Snape just looks at him for a moment and walks off. Perfect comedic timing.
- McLaggen flirting with Hermione. By licking his fingers.
- Harry coming back to the feast after being sneak attacked by Malfoy.
"He's covered in blood. Why is he always covered in blood?"
"At least it looks like it's his this time."
- One of these lines is said by Ginny, which (given her previous experiences) makes it borderline Black Comedy.
- Then there's McGonagall's exasperated "Why is it always you three?" upon discovering Harry, Ron, and Hermione are caught up in the crisis du jour yet again. And Ron's reply, for that matter.
McGonagall: (to Harry, Ron, and Hermione) Why is it that, whenever anything happens, it's always you three?
Ron: I've been wondering that myself for six years, Professor.
- Price negotiations with Fred and George.
Ron: How much are these?
Fred and George: Five galleons.
Ron: How much for me?
Fred and George: Five galleons.
Ron: I'm your brother.
Fred and George: Ten galleons.
- Also, Fred and George each have different expressions when they say that last line, both funny.
- Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes shop features an animated doll of Umbridge skating across a tightrope, squealing "I will have order! I will have order!" Let us hope there was a spiked pit under it and the doll was incinerated if you tipped it in.
- When Harry and Dumbledore are about to leave for the cave:
Harry: But sir, I thought you couldn't Apparate in Hogwarts.
Dumbledore: Well, being me definitely has its advantages.
- The Quidditch tryouts. Specifically, the comparison between Ron and McLaggen handling their...broomsticks.
- Ginny: SHUT IT!!!
- The scene where Ron is in the hospital wing after being poisoned, and his annoying girlfriend Lavender comes in worried and asking "Where's my Won-Won?" She and Hermione get into a fight over him, where Hermione calls her a "daft dimbo"! What makes this even funnier is that it's happening in front of the teachers — Dumbledore, McGonagall, Slughorn, and Snape. Then Ron calls out Hermione's name in his sleep, and Lavender runs off crying; Dumbledore quips "Oh to be young and to feel love's keen sting!"
- Dumbledore delivers that last line in the most airy, cheerful manner possible, like he didn't just witness an angsty teenage romance drama... or like he's seen similar scenes so many times during his years at Hogwarts that he's no longer fazed by them.
- Also the way that Snape just stares straight ahead during that scene. And the fact that he's there at all watching it. It also becomes a little funny and sad once you realize that he should know how Lavender feels.
- When Dumbledore mentions Harry's quick thinking using the Bezoar to counteract the poison, Snape shoots Harry a highly surprised look, clearly seeming to wonder, "Did Potter actually remember something I taught him?"
- A rather subtle one, but Slughorn's face sports a quick "Oh Crap!" look when he accidentally rips off Aragog's pincer while trying to extract some of his venom? Right in front of a sobbing Hagrid, by the way.
- After Harry and Ginny's first kiss in the Room of Requirement, Ron's line in the very next scene;
Ron: So, did you and Ginny do it?Harry: *Startled* What?!Ron: Y'know. Hide the book?Harry: Oh... yeah.
- Slughorn's pure giddiness at Harry's Draught of Living Death, happily exclaiming that a single drop would easily be enough to kill the entire class.
- Harry and Ron fighting to see who will get the newer-looking Potions book in the cupboard.
- A lot of nonverbal funny moments come from Harry's body language. His attempt at sneaking away after McLaggen throws up on Snape's robes, his clicky-finger motion in reference to Aragog, and his expression of great interest in an armrest (which he pulls down over his legs, since he's sitting sideways) while Ron stares at Lavender writing their initials on a window.
- Hermione's Messy Hair when Harry finished his potions much earlier before her (thanks to the Half-Blood Prince's book).