Funny: Deadpool

What can I say? I'm a funny guy. Cable & Deadpool and my movie provide enough giggles to earn their own pages.

  • Special mention must be made of Deadpool 1.11, in which I went back in time and ended up in Amazing Spider-Man #47. Me and Blind Al took the places of Peter and May Parker. And, being kind to the little people, it doubled as a CMoA for artist Pete Woods, who pulled a Forrest Gump on ASM 47 and does a fantastic job of emulating John Romita.
    Harry Osborn: What's the scam, hip cat? I thought I'd find you singin' with the squares!
    Me: What?
    Harry Osborn: Hangin' with the hard cases—
    Me: Excuse me?
    Harry Osborn: Rappin' with the rubes—
    Me: Are you having a stroke? Speak English!
  • Another notable moment is in an issue of Spider-Man in which I was hired to waylay the chump. I had paid extra for these sweet Blackest Night tie-in boots, and let that little nugget drop. None other than Geoff Johns endorsed my plug. The Merc With The Mouth is money!
  • One that's kinda a hybrid of Funny and Awesome — like I'm capable of anything else, right? — comes in one of the Preludes to Deadpool Corps. On a jungle island and faced with a bunch of murderous pirates, I got shot by a ton of bullets. Now that hurt like a bitch, but I ain't a bitch, so I got up. I got shot by even more bullets, got up again... and let them know that "Now I get to shoot you." One headshot, one chest shot, and one sword through the chest of another guy. And that's how you do that.
  • "It was a routine assignment...", said one of my little yellow boxes. Cue me garroting a guy in a Santa outfit with barbed wire.
  • There was a team-up with Captain Britain where the two of us ended up switching cultures, so that Captain Britain ended up Canadian/American, and I ended up -sigh- British. However, thanks to my healin' factor I eventually became SUPA-BRITISH!!! All of the strengths of being British (honor, chivalry, a knightly attitude), with none of the weaknesses (like bad grammar, self-deprecating humor, poor dentistry), except for the one where I couldn't finish off a downed and defenseless opponent.
  • The Etiquette Lesson
  • This exchange in a Cable comic:
    Domino: Okay, what's the plan?
  • Yeah, Silver Sable was an expert in hand-to-hand combat, left-arm-sword-to-ninja-guy's-head combat, and REDACTED to-trachea combat.
  • Marvel vs. Capcom 3 intro: I appear to be thumbing through a book which could possibly be the script for the game. When I'm the team leader, I say: "Who was I supposed to kill again? Eh, doesn't matter!" If I lose, I say to you: "You pressed the wrong button!"
    • When I trigger the good ol' X-Factor in Marvel vs. Capcom 3: "Anime power up!!"
    • In this demo of Marvel vs. Capcom 3's Simple Mode note , I drop a "Yo Momma!" during my slide attack and when I defeat Viewtiful Joe in that same vid, I drop this: "I hear bullets taste just like chicken!"
    • Aside from the fact that my backwards walk is the Moonwalk, my winquotes are also a bit of a riot. I even quote Yipes here, albeit a slightly edited version of Yipes' original words (stupid ESRB rules). I also ask Capcom to give me the cover of the next Street Fighter! In other news, I totally do not like "Chun Li-Pool". Those hips DO NOT go with my mask. AT ALL.
  • "Noooooo! Thaaat waas myy faavoourite guuuun!!"
  • During my "Let's make Weasel miserable again" arc, Weasel lures me outside to fight by having the managers announce that the participants of a Bea Arthur lookalike contest are just arriving outside. I get outside and all I see is a gigantic suit of power armor. My reaction? "This guy doesn't look ANYTHING like Bea Arthur!"
  • In one Deadpool Team Up, I was paired with Machine Man, aka Aaron (@*&! Stack. The issue started with me working on a gun that shoots rabid hamsters into people's faces. And things only get nuttier from there. The issue included the following, in no particular order: Machine Man bursting into my not so secret anymore headquarters to make me pay the money I owe an insurance company for all the money I've cost them, me shooting Machine Man in the face with the previously mentioned Rabid Hamster Gun, him convincing me to work with him to take on a villain that was about to cost the insurance company in one day more than I have in all of my illustrious career (thus far, but then, I haven't actually been trying to make them lose money... yet), me and Machine Man causing more than a little property damage taking on a Puppet Master wannabe, me considering working with the Puppet Master (I could have had Osborn and Cable have a slap fight to death for my entertainment, or have the cast of The Facts of Life hold a lingerie pillow fight... TO DEATH!!!), both of us picking on the wannabe for looking like a girl, me getting mind controlled and nearly eating a grenade,(not really, I was just kidding around. Besides, have you ever eaten a grenade? I have. It's actually kinda neat. After like a second, it quits hurting until I regenerate most of my nervous system), then Machine Man ruining my fun by stopping the puppet master by remodeling one of the Puppet Master's puppets to work on him, causing one hostage unbearable agony in the process, me throwing the puppet out the window, and finally, me using the puppet master's magic puppets to hold a rabid hamster dance party. Ah, good times, good times.
  • "The - chicken - said - peep!"
    • Dub of that scene here.
  • In one Deadpool Team-up, I got to work with one of my favorite heroes (asides from myself, of course, but hey, I get to work with me whether I want to or not, so that doesn't count), Thor! I got to be pummeled by The Mighty Thor! *Fanboy Squee!*
  • I get to meet my idol STORM SHADOW in this comic! *Fanboy Squee!*
  • So Norman Osborn thinks he can get rid of me, eh? LOL.
  • In which I got CAPTAIN AMERICA to sit on my lap.
  • Narrating my own life out loud in the first issue of my first ongoing, and using that as a distraction to take out the southern banana republic goons that were after me. Also, my wisecracks about the battle armor I bump into. Also, the wisecracks I throw at Sasquatch during my fight with him. Also, my funeral plans as I shared them with Sasquatch. Aw, hell, the entire first issue of my first ongoing. Except the part where I get stiffed on my payment.
  • My fight with Taskmaster in the second issue of my first ongoing! I kick his butt using my phat dance moves!
    • "Notice the lateral movement as he easily evades this blow—" "Notice how I rearrange your face so that solid food is no longer an option—"
  • As discussed in my Awesome section, this encounter I had with Bullseye. Do you have to ask why it's here, too? Seriously? Have you SEEN his facial expression after what I did?!
  • In a team-up with Wolverine, I got to wear one of Jeannie's fabulous outfits to distract an evil robot. (Unlike when I tried on one of her other costumes when preparing for a fight against Cable, I was wearing my uniform under it this time.)
  • Performing a Shoryuken punch on Kitty Pryde.
  • Writing "Point this end at enemy" on my guns.
  • One of Blind Al's best moments, in the issue where she's sabotaged all of my weapons and told Weasel about it. Gotta admit that was smart of ol' pruneface.
    • Added: Proving to the B.A.D. Girls that I didn't have that one Ho Yay moment with Cable by dropping my pants in front of the girls, completely forgetting I was wearing his Silver Age Jean Grey girl panties at that time.
  • Also, Deadpool arguing with myself within my own bio.
  • "Buuuuuulllllleeeeettttttsssss!!!!!!"
  • And the time I challenged Captain America (or that Eldritch Abomination who was squatting in his body) to a match of Rochambeau for the fate of the world.
  • Fighting Bullseye in a meat freezer, I needed to think of a way to keep Bullseye from killing him with arrows, when one of my voices tells me to "Be the meat". Outta the freezer I come, in a makeshift armor made of frozen pork announcing, "I am the meat!"
    • And then we get flashback showing that even as a child I wanted to dress up in a meat suit and fight somebody.
    • "He's beating our meat!" when Bullseye attacks the armor with a power saw.
    • "YEEEEEEAH!!! No." (stab Bullseye with the meathook)
  • Issue 13 under Daniel Way has me agreeing to rid a resort island of pirates (which I was trying to be myself) if the gal I was talking to would become my navigator... the blind gal. What? she had already shown that she knew how to navigate the island better than anyone!
    • Then she ended up with Bob. Meh.
  • I once bought a tug boat for the price of a nuclear sub and then sank it.
  • When an AIM minion comments that he prefers the Star Wars prequels to the original trilogy, I blew his head off, pointed my gun at Bob— I mean, Bill, and commanded him to shout, "JAR-JAR BINKS IS AN ABOMINATION!" .
  • Issue 15. I talk to the shark I had just eaten most of (Not a hobby or anything, I was adrift at sea), had a crazy hallucination about being on a cruise with a bunch of heroes, asks my inner voice to confirm whether or not San Fransisco was being attacked by breakfast cereal mascots to see if I was still hallucinating (I was, no surprise there), roller bladed around in a stereotypical outfit and when I attempted to fit in, I walked into a Navy bar still dressed like that (complete with Hello, Sailor! and Is It Hot In Here in an attempt to save face), and then ended up in a hostage situation in said bar. Then I joined the X-Men.
  • Similar to the One Piece navigator shout out above, in my team-up with Iron Fist, I make an even more blatant anime/manga reference (gotta hit you people over the head, don't I?). As the villain and his ninja mooks surrounded me:
    Me: I will make you and everyone in this village recognize me, for one day... I will be Hokage!
    Bystander: Does anything he says ever make any sense?
  • In a more family-friendly retelling of the Weapon X story, I narrate and present my team in a photo laid out like The Brady Bunch. Alice is still in the middle.
  • And that time when I insisted on calling every vampire "Dracula." Other characters get caught up in my.. enthusiasm, yeah, and adopt the terminology. Even some of the vampires!
  • Let's just face it, kids, when I'm not funny, the situation's gotten really serious!
  • "Okay, the people are dead."
  • From Deadpool Annual #2
    Super-bro code: Don't out a fellow super-bro.
  • For Marvel's 75th anniversary, I photobombed the covers of various Marvel comics, as well as the poster for The Avengers.
  • I once changed the sign on Bruce Banner's office door to "Men's Room".
  • Gail Simone sure got a lot of mileage out of using the Inherently Funny Word "winkie" as a name for my man-junk.
    • When recovering from a tabula rusa state in an Agent X comic, the first thing I did when my brain started coming back? I stripped my pants and briefs, and showed off to Alex and Sandi while proudly exclaiming, "Winkie! Found a winkie! Boingy boingy boingy boingy!" Needless to say, they didn't enjoy the sight.
    • After Black Swan turned me back to normal (relatively speaking), then got killed by me and the others, I got rather pissed at Alex when remembering when I was "...minding my own winkie in the bathtub, and he started beating on my poor skull..."
    • Then we have Gail's contribution to my wedding issue, "Eulogy For a Winkie". Let's just say that when I married the super-strong Outlaw, I realized first-hand that she makes a very painful bedfellow...
  • Groot let me appear briefly in a campfire story he told some kids. Most of the people in the story just repeated, "I am Groot!", but not me! Instead, I got to play poker against his buddy, Rocket Raccoon...except I lost, then stabbed my lousy cards with my trusty katana. How did I go to space in the first place, you ask? Groot didn't bother telling those kids, not that his explanation would've cleared anything up.

Deadpool, the video game:

Can't I just say "all of it" and save space? No? Fine. My game had tons of funny moments ...
  • Like when I called up Nolan North on the phone. Weirdest conversation I've had in a while. And when he tells me he wants to create and alternative version where I don't like boobs:
    Me: Yeah, well, fuck you, Nolan.
    • Though, if you feel like it, you can make me cut him off before he gets to the (literally) boobless part. I'll still sign off the same way. He may be cool (hey, if you were competent enough to voice me, you'd be too), but he can be a douche sometimes. Kinda like Cable, y'know?
  • Not gonna lie to you, folks, I do not like weight conversions or math. Or restraint.
    Me: How much C4 is this gonna take?
    White Box: No more than 20 ounces.
    Yellow Box: What?! I hate the metric system! How much in American?
    White Box: Well, let's see... uhh... Carry the seven...
    Me: Dude, fuck math! Just use all of it!
  • My grand entrance through the bathroom. With C4. And if you pay close attention, you can hear one of the guards whistle a familiar jingle before being cut off by the big kaboom. Followed by a familiar scream when he gets launched.
    Me: Whew! That's what happens when you mix C4 with a bean burrito. (Mook falls behind me) Now be honest... I'm not the only one with a little bit of shit in their pants right now, am I?
  • Or how about that time when I bitchslapped Wolverine for like a minute straight while trying to wake him up? Turns out the dude's a heavy sleeper. Who knew? And if you slap him longer, you get a trophy! And all the reasons I give.
  • "Wrecked 'em? Darn near killed 'em!"
    • Nobody laughed at my joke... until a random mook comes out, says the same line and everyone starts laughing; even Logan claps his hands. Well, you get the drill on what happens next to that mook.
      Ugh. Talk about breaking suspension of disbelief.
  • When I get the upgrade to my teleporter:
    Message box: Congratulations! You got NOTHING! This chest was empty, but that's no fun! Because we care, we upgraded your TELEPORT ability to teleport you to far away places! Why? WHO CARES! Enjoy!
    Me: Enough already! No wonder I stopped playing JRPGs.
  • Normally budgets aren't something to joke about, but you gotta admit, it was pretty funny when the budget ran out and the game turned 8-bit for a while.
  • You actually get 2 achievements just for starting the game. As you can guess, I instantly lampshade both of them.
    ("The First One's Free!" achievement pops up) Hey, what's that? You guys tracking my every move now? But I haven't even accomplished anything in this game yet. ("The Second One Is Also Free" achievement pops up) ...Aaand there's another one. Ho-hoh, so it's gonna be one of those games, huh?
  • Also:
    Me: "What's the sound of one robotic arm clapping?"
    Serious Me: "Dubstep?"
  • And I sure gave a new meaning to the phrase "Dancing with death".
  • When Cable came and bored me to death with his warnings from the future. "Press X to make it stop."
    Cable: Dammit, Wade!
    • And DON'T you dare make me suffer by not pressing the X button. IT'S SO BOOOORRRIIINGGG!!!!
    • But then I wake up to find a messaged attached to my chest with a knife blade. Courtesy of Cable. He's so subtle.
  • Three words: NUMBER ONE FANGIRL!!!
    • Or not.
    (I wake up and realize I've been playing around with Cable's armor pecs—yeah...okay. And given your choice, I can simply back away with whatever dignity I got left—AH, FUHGEDDABOUDIT, DIGNITY SUCKS—so you can make me squeeze it some more, just to see what he'll do—)
    (Cable goes POW!!! I go limp)
    Cable: I'd...ask what that was about—but I don't wanna know.... note 
  • And the way I managed to "convince" High Moon Studios to make me my own game.
  • "You can use "light attack->heavy attack" to break blocks...(dudes get shot) Or you can just shoot those fuckers, I guess."
  • When I come across Sinister's mooks talking 'bout Rogue while taking a leak on the bathroom stalls. I join 'em and strike up some small talk. For like five minutes. Yeah, that was a lotta piss.
  • Anytime High Moon Studio tries to troll me in my game. I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSE TO TROLL 'EM!!!! For instance:
    • Just because SOMEONE blew off all of the money (ahem, not me of course) you don't need to make it like a retro-old-Zelda game you know....
    • After getting blown up by my stupid dog, the mooks in the stages says the most obvious thing for my objective?!
    • Every single moment when you probably want to get Deadpool points by saying 'no' many times before I stealthy kill the 'fake' Sinister. Gawd they take so long for me to wait...
    • How about the time where after falling from the Sentinel boot, my head's all backwards and the controls were reversed?
    • Before sitting on the toilet, I literally stretch the censorship bar out a little! The fourth wall may never recover from what I put it through... But the bastards shrank it down again when I pulled my pants down.
    • Breaking the Fourth Wall for the billionth time, I read the script to my game... Then I just make it into real art with a red crayon.
    • The "Wheel of Insanity". I swear, that thing has a mind of its own.
    • At one point, I encounter a room that is glitched to hell. One quick call to Peter fixes it, though.