"You know, I always wanted to have my own action figure, and now I
am my own action figure! Say, if I look like Ryan Reynolds under this mask, just point me to the nearest Barbie dream house, would ya, pal?"
Wolverine: "You know what your problem is Deadpool? Ya never learned to take anything seriously!"
Me: "Is that my problem? I thought my problem was that I was crazy."
Taskmaster: "I didn't let you do anything. I mean, I
shoved my sword through your chest! Truth is, you're that good. You've
always been that good. Which won't even get you a cup of coffee until you can figure out how to be a
telling me why I don't get many jobs...and that I'm the best in the business!...and crazy.
"Yay, now is fighty time, fighty time, blood blood blood!"
— Fighty time is the best time!
Me, to the game dev: "What gives? Why is this level in 8-bit?"
Dev: "Videogames have a budget, Deadpool. You blew through ours in the first level!"
Me: "Excuse me? My website got 15 million hits the day we announced!"
(Cut to Me sitting at a computer)
"One million one, one million two..."
— What do you know? It turns out my biggest fan is me!
Me: "Hmmm...how much C4 is this gonna take?"
One of my voices: "No more than 20 ounces."
Another voice: "What?! I hate the metric system! How much in American?!"
The first voice: "Well let's see, uh...carry the seven..."
: "Dude, fuck
math! Just use all of it!"
— My game
has many cool moments like these! (Also, turns out 20 ounces was about right...but more is always better!)
"You're not allowed to crush his hopes and dreams and force him to do what you want him to do unless you're his real parent! He needs someone who'll love him and teach him how to shoot a gun and only show him the good porn! Someone like me!"
— Me saving baby!Nate from the clutches of evil. I couldn't help it! He was so cute! And he called me da-da!
"Oh, I've missed you, little yellow boxes! What fun we shall have together."
The Cat: But how do you plan to get it to Cable in time?
Me: We got this whole don't ask, don't tell thing goin'... not that there's anything wrong with that. Bodyslide by two...
: Don't ask, don't tell—? ...Oh. Oh
— Yup, me and Nate were Ho Yay
-tastic back then.
How did anyone ever enjoy these games without me in 'em?
Da-dada! And the winner is: You! The Player! Yeah, you.
You ever see that old cartoon with the squirrel who's trying to eat a coconut? Chuck Jones, I think... this retarded squirrel finds this coconut and thinks that he's hit the giant acorn motherload- only, he can't crack the nut. It's too hard. So he gets a jackhammer, he throws it down stairs, runs it over with a truck... nothing. Finally, he pushes this monster up a gazillion stairs all the way to the top of the Empire State Building, and heaves it. Crack. Slowly, the shell peels back... and you know what's inside? Another coconut shell. That squirrel is in cartoon hell. That squirrel is me. Every time I get a shot at saving the world, or doing right or waving the truth and justice flag instead of gutting a guy, I do it... and every time, I get the shaft for my trouble. Everytime, there's another coconut shell I gotta crack. But just like that retarded squirrel... in another month or so, the cartoon reruns, and I try again. You did mess up my head by showing me what a dirtbag I've been in my lifetime... but that doesn't change the fact that I still try to be better. I'm giving it a shot. At the end of the day, I'm winning- and I wouldn't have things any different.