Jake(steps in the tent and comes face-to-face with Mr. DeMartino): Oh, hi. It's, uh, raining cats and dogs out there.
DeMartino: What a unique perspective on the situation
Jake: Little nip to warm you up?
DeMartino: Mr. Morgendorffer, I am a teacher responsible for dozens of students on a fairly hazardous field trip. Do YOU think I should take a little nip?!
Jake: I guess not.
DeMartino: NO! I GUESS NOT!GIMME THAT!(snatches the flask from a shocked Jake and starts chugging like there's no tomorrow)
Jake: Say, did you by any chance go to military school?
DeMartino: HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT!?
Several hours later, Jake and DeMartino are drunk and trading stories about their messed-up childhoods.
Jake: (pouring the last of the whiskey into the flask cap, tearfully): I didn't mean to step on Dad's contact. The next day, he shipped me off to military school.
DeMartino: My mother didn't want her DATES to know she had a son. So, I spent a lot of time at the NEIGHBORS. Strange, twisted people.
Jake: I know! I had the same neighbors.
Daria and Quinn going to see the "Great White" exhibit, where the woman in charge gives them a story that's basically Jaws before she starts going off on a rant about Richard Dreyfuss.
Pretty much any exchange between Daria and Amy.
The stories that Daria tells her fellow bridesmaids, and the comments provided by Daria's even more deadpan escort, Luhrman.
Daria: I'm an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dance for strange men."
Luhrman: She's really very good.
The scene where Erin introduces her not very brightly looking husband, who works for the government - Intelligence.
Luhrman: I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard Intelligence, but that can't be right.
Mack and Kevin go to the bridal expo, despite the fact Jodie and Brittany asked them not to. Just after they finish their conversation, a man selling wedding rings tells them that he also sells wedding rings to same-sex couples, but what they decide to do with them is their business.
"YOU'RE NOT FREAKING FAT, OKAY?!"
One of Daria's and Jane's unfinished movies adapts No Exit with squeaky-voiced clay dolls and inanimate objects.
When Trent comes back and laughs at Daria acting out the play ("Eh, hell is other people"), Daria miserably responds, "On second though, Hell is myself."
Daria's (after waking up from a nightmare in which she and Jane are the Fashion Club) line to Jake about parent-child bonding:
Daria: Dad, it's 4:00 am. I just woke up from my worst nightmare: resembling my sister. You're reliving an instance of parental neglect from forty years ago. You call this parent/child bonding?
Daria's in the hospital with a rash.
Jodie: "So you're a little red. It could happen to anybody."
Mr. DeMartino as The Black Knight knocking down the Three J's and yelling, "Next!"
Daria and Jane protesting to the carnie about letting Stacy on the Ferris wheel
Daria: Excuse me, you can't do this.
Jane: We're human beings, damn it!
The unnamed pissed-off teenager harassing Jake throughout most of the episode, especially the dinner theater part where he calls him, "Pops" and instigates the food fight when Jake gets angry over Quinn embarrassing herself in the play.
Daria reading the list of body parts that the piercing parlor does and mistakes "vulva"note the outer female genitals for "uvula"note the fleshly ball that hangs in the back of your mouth.
Daria: Uh, I don't think that's how you spell "uvula"
Piercing Parlor Clerk: It's not "uvula".
Write Where It Hurts
At the beginning of the episode, Kevin saying something so profoundly stupid it makes Mr. O'Neil cry in frustration.
Jane advises Daria on an English assignment:
Jane: Well, what's your definition of true?
Daria: Something that says something.
Jane: What, anything?
Daria: No, something, about something.
Jane: Let me get this straight, you're telling me that you want to write something, not just anything, that says something about something.
Jane: Gee, who'd ever believe you having trouble communicating.
Daria's Jane Austen-esque story. One moment includes Daria explaining to Quinn that when she said Tren-er, Mr. Lane causes "bemusement rather than endearment," she basically meant, "He's flaky." Another comes at the end of the story, when Quinn's talk of marriage inadvertently scares away Mr. Lane and his "hunting party", which consisted of 1800s versions of Jesse, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie.
Also Quinn's period-film pronunciation of "huh?"
During the story about her family in the future, Quinn tells her kids to watch something educational. A couple seconds later, Sick Sad World is heard. Daria and Quinn yell, "Not that!"
More specifically, you don't even hear the title. Just the announcer's unmistakable voice, incredulously proclaiming, "Breast implants for chickens?!"
Jane: Daria, you think maybe someday you'll let me read your story?
Daria: No, but I can show you the one I wrote where you run away with Kevin.
The story in question is a parody of The Graduate with Jane as Benjamin stopping Kevin's wedding to Brittany. He runs away with her while Brittany excitedly throws the bouquet in the air.
Daria's story where Helen and Jake are laid back and wish Quinn could be more like her, to the point that Quinn runs out of the house in tears over what Daria's "perfection" has done to her. And Daria feels they should at least tell her about the eight lane highway that was built outside the house during the night. Cue the sounds of a car crash and Quinn screaming "Ow! GOD!"
Depth Takes a Holiday
Despite the episode being considered too weird to be a Daria episode, the first meeting of Daria and the holidays is a good time for hysterical giggles.
"No Guy Fawkes Day?!"
The Lost Girls
Jake's persistent confusion over the definition of the word 'edgy.'
Kevin and Brittany's colorful outfits for "School Colors Day."
It Happened One Nut
Tiffany attempting to council Daria on self-esteem in a really funny Lampshade Hanging of her Verbal Tic. In fact, everything Tiffany says in subsequent episodes becomes a CMoF because of this one scene. It's probably...just...because...she previously...got...very few lines...so...I never...really noticed...she talks like thiiis......and that that...might make it difficult...to converse...at length...with people...
What clinched the scene was that if you pay attention, the camera does a slow zoom as Tiffany's talking, and pauses every time that she does.
"Gah, Gah Dammit!", especially after other drivers catch Jake's road rage.
When Brittany sings, "They Must Be Worried", she spreads out her arms on the first two Title Drops, smacking Daria, Jane, and Kevin in the faces. On the third title drop, the three of them try to shield themselves from Brittany, but she just keeps her arms down.
While crammed in a shed next to Brittany.
Daria: Um... Brittany? Do you mind pointing those things in another direction?
Jake of Hearts
This exchange following Jake's heart attack:
Jake: That's it, sweetie! Avenge my death.
Daria: You're not dying, dad.
Jake: Avenge me!
Helen: Jake you're going to give yourself a... never mind.
The DJ's from the same episode try to get the fashion club to go on a date with Upchuck:
Sandi: Tiffany, dear, would you please explain to the Spatula Man why a bumper sticker cannot possibly compensate for the shame and permanent reputation damage involved in a single date with Charles Rutenhimer?
Tiffany: Upchuck... eww.
Just before that when "The Spatula Man" attempts to dive into the crowd.
Helen's conversation with Eric during dinner before Jake's heart attack.
Quinn: Daddy you're using all the cheese!
Helen: Hey! What did the doctor tell you about cheese? (on the phone): No, not you, Eric! How would I know what the doctor told you about cheese? Why sure I'd love to hear what the doctor told you about cheese.
Jake's rant after that until he notices his arm is numb and passes out in the guacamole.
The show cuts to commercial right after Daria finds out the money needed to bail Jane and Mystik Spiral out of jail went missing, then immediately cuts back to the show, so that Quinn could debunk Daria's suspicions that the hitchhiker stole it. (Quinn gave him the money so he could buy her some new clothes.)
Max crying about how the state trooper was going to drag him out of the car and beat him after Jane, Trent, and the rest of Mystik Spiral were detained for a minor traffic violation and not having the fine to pay it off.
Daria reading through Trent's lyric notebook and her response ("Please let this be a first draft").
The Lawndale File
Jane: Daria, come out of there. The neighbors are starting to talk.
Daria: Um... good. Soon they'll progress to cave drawings and civilization will be on its way.
Jane: Trent, I don't care if [Daria] forgives you, I'm never speaking to you again.
Trent: You just did.
"The Emotional Trauma Cycle of a High School Student", a video assignment Daria and Jane completed about the "5 Stages of Grief" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). It ended in "Acceptance." Acceptance meaning Jane receiving a college acceptance letter.
Daria: Stage Three: Bargaining.
Jane: Please mom! If you don't make me go back there, I'll clean the whole garage for a year!
Mrs. Lane: We have a garage?
The epic lampshading of the Morgendorffer's family dynamic.
A Tree Grows in Lawndale
Brittany grieves over Kevin refusing to play football or date her after spraining his ankle. Daria overhears, and decides to put some of Brittany's nonsensical laments into a Stylistic Suck song: "Armpits have feeling/but not for me/Now what do I do/With lips empty?" Mr. O'Neil reads the lyrics, and praises the depth and raw emotion. After Daria gives Brittany credit, Mr. O'Neil gives Brittany an A.
Jake is relating that, according to the local newspaper, property values have dropped dramatically since Lawndale High's football team started losing. Helen has this to say:
Helen: Jake, that's The Lawndale Shopper. It's written by an eighty year old man who, if you recall, had to be taken off the roof of his house by the fire department because he thought he was being chased by screaming mice.
Jake: That doesn't mean it isn't true!
Quinn: Oh daddy, mice don't scream.
Daria: Yeah, you're thinking of lobsters.
When Kevin wrecks the motorcycle into the tree, Jane comments on how this reminded her of a monkey crashing a bicycle at one of her birthday parties as a child. Daria's response is essentially, "And this is different how?"
When trying to figure out a way to get Kevin back to his old self, Tom asks, in response to something Jane and Daria said, "Why not send him back to elementary school?" Daria's immediate response is, "Because he wouldn't meet the minimum scholastic requirements."
The story of Metalmouth is pretty creepy...up until this moment:
Mr. DeMartino: Of course, some of you may take COMFORT in the fact that the ROCKS inside your HEADS are harder than wood, BUT I asSURE you that (a radio reception starts inside his teeth)..GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FU-UUUN!!!!! (covers mouth)
Trent (VO): They picked up radio stations.
Mr. DeMartino: So, if I may reTURN to our discussion on drill safety, this is the chuck and (reception starts again)..not the fortunate one, cause girls just wanna, they JUST—(it stops) Wait a minute. Chucks— (begins again) JUST WANNA HAVE FUUUU-UUUUN!! (ends again) That's why you don't... (begins yet again) wanna, they just wanna, GIIIIIIIIIIIIRLS!!!!!!!!!!
(The entire class breaks down in laughter and Mr. DeMartino runs out)
Jeffy: What a doof.
Kevin: Hey, I know what's fun. Let's drill a hole in my shoe!
I Loathe a Parade
Daria is stalked by a guy in an animal costume, and the guy faints because he doesn't get enough air. Daria pulls off the mask.
Jake and Helen acting as each other for a therapy session...until Jake goes too far and hurts Helen's feelings.
Is It Fall Yet?
After being told by Helen that she has no choice about working at Mr. O'Neil's summer camp, Daria replies:
"What about my feelings? What about my rights?" Beat "What about my bribe?"
We need a lot more money! / This really isn't funny! / You don't pay us enough to buy honey!
[after complaints by some teachers]
Mr. Demartino: Hey! I threw out the rhyme about the bunny!
The teachers then get Mr. O'Neill to write them a new chant. He enlists the help of Trent.
Have you ever been to the children's zoo? When the birdies say "cheep", they're talkin' 'bout you! (beat) Nah.
The moment Quinn starts talking about how her sub was flirting with a student, Daria gets up from the table and brings the phone to her mother like it was instinct.
Helen: Daria! Get me the- (sees Daria in front of her with the phone) Thank you.
Ms. Li: Don't think you can intimiate—intermolate—don't think you can scare me with your threat to picket naked!
Mr. DeMartino: You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night. I want to picket naked!
Ms. Li: All right! A two percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lounge.
Mr. DeMartino:(tugs on collar)Boy! It's getting hot in here!
Ms. Li, after a sleepless night of tense negotiations, announces the end of the strike on the PA system:
People of Mars! I mean, students of Lawndale High. This is your leader... um, principal. What was I saying? Oh! The teachers... the teachers... the strike's over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow! Good ni... day.
One J At a Time
Daria's mother convinces her to finally invite Tom over for dinner to get to know her parents, but she's worried that Jake's eccentric personality and temper is gonna scare him off - but of course, she needn't worry as we get some of the funniest "male bonding" between Jake, Tom and Quinn's third boyfriend that week when they all storm out of the house mid-dinner to catch a squirrel and go go-karting.
Is It College Yet?
"Curse-B-Gone. No animals were harmed in the making of this product, except the ones we sacrificed."
Mr. DeMartino getting punched in his good eye after he forces Mr. O'Neill to break up with Ms. Barch.
Later, when Ms. Barch takes Mr. O'Neill back, DeMartino bangs his head against the stage pole in frustration.
When Mr. DeMartino is congratulating Daria on getting the Outstanding Academic Achievement Award, he actually says, "You go girlfriend!"