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Funny: Dan Vs.
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    Season One 
  • "Look, Dan, I'm just as disgusted at Canada as the next person..."
    • As Dan points out that the Quebecers live in Canada rather than France, he comments how geographically confused they are after pointing to England and declaring that that's where France is.
    • The encounter with the yeti.
    • "England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby is Canada!"
    • The Cold Open after one of the commercial breaks: a still image of the scenery, and Dan shouting "CANADA SUCKS!"
  • Helicopter Hal in all of his Small Name, Big Ego glory, but the best of it is this:
    Elise: Dan, land the helicopter and let the minor celebrity go!
    Helicopter Hal: Minor celebrity?!
    Dan: You really didn't know did you?
  • "Quick! To the Car-mobile!" Followed by Chris pulling a Dukes of Hazzard slide across the front of the car...and landing flat on his back.
  • Dan chases a kid dressed like a wookiee in "Dan Vs. the Wolfman", while Chris chases after Dan to stop him. They run past a middle-aged cop standing outside his car with a cup of coffee, about to pop a donut in his mouth. A few seconds pass, and suddenly...
    Cop: Oh wait, I'm a cop! Hey!!
  • (After being accosted by a gang of children) "Can't live with 'em, can't hunt 'em for sport ... "
  • How Dan subdues a Salvation Armed Forces clerk:
    Dan: I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.
    Clerk: Well, I have never heard of you.
    Dan: Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! (throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream) Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.
    Clerk: I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!
    • Also:
    Dan: That guy knows 12 different ways to kill a man with a bell.
    Chris: Wow. I only know... (makes a swinging motion) one.
  • From "Art":
    Chris: Museum food tastes like plastic.
    Dan: Another reason why art must suffer.
  • In "Dan Vs. Burgerphile", one of the cops thought Elise was Chris' nurse.
    • The way the cops handle Dan chaining himself to the cash register. They ask him politely to leave, he says no, and they say they've done all they can do.
    • The manager of Burgerphile wanting to avoid going back to Maryland.
    • "Hey does anyone else smell smoke and hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't-" restaurant bursts into flames.
  • This amazing piece.
    Woman: Hi Dan. I'm a supermodel, and I just moved in next door.
    Dan: I DON'T CARE WHO THE IRS SENDS, I'M NOT PAYING TAXES!!!
  • "I never joke about kidnapping."
  • From Dan vs. New Mexico as they are eating a roadrunner Chris ran over.
    Dan: Pass the ketchup.
    Chris: We don't have any ketchup.
    Dan makes an irritated face for 5 seconds then runs up and punts the bird (which at this point is their only source of food) as it is roasting over a campfire
    Dan: USELESS!
  • As Chris asks Dan about his revenge plot against New Mexico to break the awkward silence.
    Chris: So how do you plan to-
    Dan: Hydrogen.
    Chris: Hydrogen?
    Dan: Shut up.
  • "TEETH!"
  • The "conversation between Dan and Chris" that takes place at Burgerphile in Dan vs. the Animal Shelter.
  • Chris takes another one for the team;
    Chris: Have I been poisoned?
    Dan: Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?
    Chris: Do you have more than one meatloaf?
    Dan: Who has more than one meatloaf!?
  • Honestly, the whole payphone exchange, including the hospital room part after between Dan, and Elise. Just watching her freak out and lose her cool, because of how insufferable and incoherent Dan is being about her husband is just hilarious.
  • Dan managing to mess up his apartment again. In ten minutes. Just by sitting.
  • "We're NOT going to jail, Chris! Prison, maybe."
    • Actually, jail and prison are different things, with prison being the more serious of the two. So, technically, Dan is correct.
  • This gem from The Barber "Becky, get my killing scissors!"
  • From the pilot, Dan shoves Chris out of the car to pursue the Wolfman. He checks in various places while still inside the car, such as behind a tree, in a pond, and in some random couple's bedroom.
    • Also from "The Wolfman", Chris accidentally runs over a biker with his car. He wants to stop and see if the guy is okay, but Dan doesn't want to forfeit the chase, so he convinces Chris that he saw him get up.
    Ambulance Guy #1: He's definitely not okay.
    Ambulance Guy #2: He won't be getting up for a long time.
  • Chris, if Dan jumped off of a cliff, would you?
  • A school bus full of ninjas, cheerfully singing the same song a high school football team would while on the way to the big game.
  • After Dan gets thrown from Chris's car and hits his head:
    Chris: Dan! Are you okay? Are you hurt?
    Dan: Noggin' boppin'! I got noggin' boppin'!
    Chris: Uh, if you're hurt, we should get you to a hospital.
    Dan: Uh, it's just like lizards... Rainbows are natures rainbows.
    Chris:Oh, man. I'm gonna find my phone and call the paramedics. (Chris's phone breaks.)
    Dan: (Very seriously) No one ever returns from LOS PARAMEDICOS!
  • Chris running out of a house being chased by a lady in his underpants with monster costume on for drinking out of her bathroom sink.
    Chris: "It's a misunderstanding!"

    Season Two 
  • Don (Elise's father) takes Thanksgiving dinner very seriously.
    Don: If there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
    • Dan's plan for getting back at Elise's family at the end of the ep;
    Dan: If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, burn their house to the ground!
  • "Chris! That is not in the holiday spirit. Now come and help me annihilate Santa."
  • In "The Neighbors", Dan's strategy for dealing with cannibals; "Eat them before they eat me".
    • Also in "The Neighbors":
      Dan: You're an idiot!
      Chris: You know, I enjoy these little talks of ours.
    • When Chris is eating the pie that Dan's neighbors gave him, Dan asks where he got the fork. He then show Dan the inside of his jacket, with pouches for a fork, knife, and spoon.
    • Chris thinks he gets a candy bar out of Dan stuffing him in his apartment. Turns out it's just a block of wood in a candy wrapper. Later on the roof, Dan bribes him with another candy bar. Guess what was inside.
  • "The Bank" had a particularly hilarious opening.
    Chris: Now Dan, let's not do anything rash-
    Dan: I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
    Chris: Dan, that's disgusting. And impractical.
    • Also, Dan attempting to steal a pen by putting it in his pocket and running off, not realizing it's attached to a chain.
    • Dan's various ways of distracting the cops. One of which involves using a water gun.
    Dan: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE, COPPERS!
    • Dan's "demands" when he takes Chris hostage. Among the list are rocket launchers, a helicopter with a pilot, some chestnuts, and free cable.
  • The Take That directed at Deviant ART in "The Monster Under the Bed" which mentions an Eldritch Abomination known as Uggragoth of the Deviant Art.
    Chris: (showing Dan a picture) Look at what he does to people.
    Dan: (horrified) Why would you show that to me?!
  • Chris would kill for bacon. Dan is rather surprised.
    • From the same episode, Mr. Mumbles in a ski mask.
  • This bit:
    Dan: Stupid monsters. They live under your bed, but they never chip in for the rent.
  • At the start of "Gym" he attempts to make his usual Skyward Scream ...but is too hurt to yell, so he softly says it it pain. The kicker is the fact that he keeps moaning once the title comes up.
  • "Who wants to know where I've been?
    • From the same episode, Dan's ultimate revenge on the dinosaur at the very end: mailing her his car repair bill. Gets even funnier when she does his signature Skyward Scream at the end.
    • This exchange after the gang believe Chris has been killed by the dinosaur.
    Ben: You know what? I think he's in a better place now.
    (Gilligan Cut to inside the dinosaur's stomach)
    Chris: (Knee-deep in stomach acid) HELP!!! HELP!!!
  • In The Telemarketer, Dan finally writes Elise on the list then sees her beat a man up and thinking better of it erases her name off quickly.
  • This line from Reality Television after Dan was tricked to appear on The Bachelor spinoff.
    • Dan sitting comfortably on a chair on a reality tv show.
    Dan: If you're watching this...NOTIFY THE AUTHORITIES! I'M BEING HELD HERE AGAINST MY WILL!
    • Dan trying to get his revenge on the guy who directed the show he was humiliated by, by beating him with throw pillows. Then comes this exchange.
    Director: I have no ideas!
    Dan: Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well.
    *Continues beating him with pillows.*
    Kelly: I love a man who can cook! What are you making?
    Dan: A bomb.
    Kelly: Wow! My gramma used to make those!
  • In Parents, Dan's advice to a child:
    Dan: Never let take your shiv, kid, that's how you get punked.
  • "THIS IS NOT MY TRUE FORM!"

    Season Three 
  • The beginning of "Dan Vs. Anger Management" has Dan trying to send of a nuclear bomb that will start World War III just to get back at a family of squirrels.
    • The closest thing that Dan's teacher can find to match Dan's anger level is an alligator with a tooth ache that is being repeatedly poked with a stick.
    • The car alarm.
    • When Dan gets home after a heist with Amber, he kicks his Foosball table. It hurts his foot, so he kicks it again.
  • Dan's boss in "The Boss" is easily this after it's revealed she's a demon. It could easily be something else entirely, but she's difficult to take seriously, and Dan seems to have no problem with her.
    • Also the fact, no just the idea, that Dan can make Holy Water. Dan can make Holy Water, Dan. I really hope I don't have to explain further.
      • For those unaware, Holy Water is just water blessed by a priest. So how in the hell can Dan...?
      • They had instructions online.
  • Dan in "The DMV" treating Elise badly in the first few minutes of the episode. While his attention is on Chris, he so casually pushes Elise away on the couch, and you can barely hear her say "Dan!"
    • Dan gets a ticket for disturbing the peace for his usual skyward scream. Really, anytime something happens during those usually deserves to be mentioned.
      • The pathetic look on Dan's face when he gets a ticket is hilarious.
    • Elise lampshading the ridiculousness of the DMV agent's story.
  • When BOTH Dan and Elise get Jury Duty, they do the Skyward Scream IN UNISON.
  • In "The Family Cruise," Chris and Elise (plus a reluctant Dan) compete against Don and Elise Sr. in various games. Chris climbs a rock wall without a harness after being promised a luau. And when the luau turns out to be a eating contest, Chris wins.
    "In your face, Don!"
  • Elise's first interaction with the plot of "The Superhero:"
    (She steps into the garage to spot Dan and Chris as Batman and Robin Expys. Chris awkwardly crosses his legs.)
    Elise: (bursts into laughter).
    Chris: I can explain.
    Elise: (in hysterics) Actually, you know what? Never mind! I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news!

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