Film / If Looks Could Kill

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/If_Looks_Could_Kill_movie_poster_6815.jpg
Male teen fantasy wish-fulfillment story #1,991

Mariska: They're gonna kill your friends. They're gonna kill me. And they're gonna kill you.
Michael: Talk about peer pressure.

Mostly forgotten 1991 film in which (barely) high school graduate Michael Corben of Detroit goes on a class trip to France and winds up being mistaken for an American CIA agent of the same name who is killed at the airport. Upon arrival he is immediately shanghaied into service by British Intelligence and tasked with stopping Diabolical Mastermind Augustus Steranko from conquering all of Europe.

Has nothing to do with the song by band Heart.

Tropes:

  • Affectionate Parody: To an extent. While the story is more or less presented seriously, it isn't above occasionally poking fun at some of the tropes of the spy genre, but in a kindhearted way.
  • Animal Assassin: A scorpion is used in an attempt to kill Michael.
  • Artificial Limbs: Zigesfeld's golden robotic hand.
  • Ax-Crazy:
    • The word "subtle" isn't in Zigesfeld's vocabulary - in fact, very little is in his vocabulary. For example, sent to kill Michael (and Areola) at his hotel, he just walks in and blows the place up with a rocket launcher.
    • Ilsa is an obvious nod to the Rosa Klebb variety of The Baroness.
  • Badass Grandma: Ilsa Grunt may be old, but she is a lethal fighter and assassin, not to mention a clever Master of Disguise who can improvise very quickly.
  • Badass Teacher: Mrs. Grober, in the final act.
  • Belligerent Sexual Tension: Between Michael and Mariska, and to a lesser extent Kent and Melissa.
  • Billions of Buttons: On the Espirit. The gag is that none of them are labeled (apparently Intelligence followed a standardized design for them that the "real" Michael Corben would have known) and because of this Michael ends up accidentally triggering the car's weapons (saving him from Ziegsfeld) during the car Chase Scene (while looking for the one for the power windows).
  • Board to Death: Steranko's Establishing Character Moment is killing the Franch Prime Minister during one of this, in retaliation for the PM refusing to hand over his country's gold. Steranko's Evil Plan was to pull one of these on the leaders of every country on Europe.
  • Bottomless Magazines: Averted. Michael reloads his machine gun multiple times.
  • Brilliant, but Lazy: Michael is consistently shown to be a bright and clever young man, however never lives up to his full potential due to his desire to slack off. Even the film's Big Bad, Augustus Steranko, tells Michael to his face that while he (Michael) might have "good intentions", he doesn't "follow through".
  • California Doubling: The movie takes place in the USA, France and Orenbourg, and was completely filmed in Canada (Québec, to be precise).
  • The Cavalry: Subverted; Richardson and the British army show up after the villains have all been dealt with and the mansion destroyed.
  • Chase Scene: Various through the movie, but the interesting twist of the car chase is that Michael doesn't even knows it's happening — Mariska tries to warn him and Ziegsfeld tries to blow him up with the concealed weapons of his car, but Michael fights Ziegsfeld off with the concealed weapons of his car, which he doesn't actually knows he's activating while he tries to find the switch for the power windows amongst the Billions of Buttons.
  • Chekhov's Armory: As is standard of this type of movie, every device presented to Michael during his briefing ends up being used.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Hot Scientist Vendetta Galante presents Michael with a tuxedo fitted with "standard hands-up protection." Later, upon being cornered by two of Steranko's Mooks while in the tux, Michael is told, "Put up your hands." He complies. Hilarity Ensues as knockout gas sprays from the armpits of the tux.
  • Combat Pragmatist: Subverted. When confronted by Zigesfeld, Michael initially attempts to retrieve a gun from a dead Mook rather than face his opponent hand to hand. This fails, though, when Zigesfeld grabs him from behind.
  • Convection Schmonvection: Mrs. Grober and the French class spend an awful long time hanging in a cage over a giant vat of molten gold, apparently without the heat or fumes bothering them at all.
  • Cool Car: The red Lotus Esprit. Once Michael sees it, he stops insisting that he's a high-school student.
  • Creator Cameo: Director William Dear as a scientist testing out a bomb-proof suit.
  • Cut Lex Luthor a Check: That sure is one advanced robotic hand Steranko got made for Zigesfeld. Such a device would revolutionize the prosthetic industry and make Steranko a zillion times richer than he already is, but he would rather steal gold from common market nations as part of a harebrained scheme to unite Europe under his rule.
  • Death by Cameo: Singer Roger Daltrey appears as superspy Blade long enough to get his butt handed to him by Linda Hunt as Ilsa, who kills him using a necklace that unfurls into a whip.
  • Diabolical Mastermind: Augustus Steranko. The Evil Plan was all his idea.
  • Dies Wide Open: Happens to British superspy Blade at the beginning.
  • Disney Death: When Steranko's mansion blows up, everyone thinks Michael and Mariska have died. Poor Mrs. Grober wonders despairingly what she's going to tell Michael's mother, only to have the pair emerge from the fiery ruins unscathed. Cue the cheering.
  • The Dragon: Ilsa. Interestingly, she loved killing people for Steranko and tries to use that to keep Steranko from killing her.
  • '80s Hair: Proof that the 80's briefly bled over into the 90's.
  • Fearsome Foot: When Michael is climbing the cliff to the chateau, and Zigesfeld's feet come into frame.
  • Femme Fatale: Steranko's arm candy, Areola Canasta.
  • Fictional Country: Orenbourg, which seems to be a slight Expy of any number of Germanic countries. Though there is a real Orenbourg, it's a Russian city.
  • French Jerk: The doorman at the casino. Averted with most of the other French characters however. Generally except for the casino doorman most of the French people encountered in the film are quite nice.
  • Gratuitous French: Unsurprising, considering it's mostly set in France and is about a French class. Mrs. Grober in particular loves speaking French whenever she can find an excuse.
  • Gratuitous German: The German finance minister says some stock German phrases, as does the guy left to guard Michael and Mariska in the dungeon (things like "Mach schnell!" and so forth).
  • Helicopter Blender: When Steranko's getaway chopper crashes, the rotor section detaches and chases after Michael and Mariska like a giant buzzsaw.
  • Hellish Copter: Corben machine guns the bottom right out from under it during the Short-Lived Aerial Escape, sending all of its gold cargo (and Steranko, who ends up being crushed to death by said gold) dropping to the roof before falling down itself (and then the propeller rips itself off and chases after Michael and Mariska).
  • Hoist by His Own Petard:
    • Steranko, who ends up dying by being buried alive by the tons of gold coins he just had to overload his helicopter with.
    • Areola ends up getting stung by her own pet scorpion, with which she tried to kill Michael.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: Steranko's Mooks.
  • Improbable Aiming Skills: Michael fires around a corner without looking and hits one of Steranko's Mooks dead center in the chest. Somehow.
  • Improvised Weapon: A tea tray is used to murder the French finance minister.
  • Ironic Echo: Both Michael's father and Steranko scold Michael for having "No follow-through."
  • Late to the Party: The British military shows up at the end after the villains have already been defeated.
  • Load-Bearing Boss: Ziegsfeld ends up falling on the vat full of molten gold during the Final Battle, and somehow this (and some amount of super-cooling) brings the melting mechanism so haywire than it blows up the whole mansion.
  • Loves Only Gold: Steranko, to the point that Ilsa doesn't even has a chance when Steranko is forced to decide between her and the gold in order to make his helicopter lighter in order to escape, and when Corben shoots the chopper's underside and the gold starts to fall off, he tries to stop this even if it means falling off the chopper himself (or keeping his hands on the controls).
  • Man of Wealth and Taste: Steranko wears some nice suits.
  • Market-Based Title: This movie is also known as Teen Agent in some places.
  • Mistaken for Badass: The whole plot, in a nutshell. Not only does Michael Corben is mistaken for American superspy Michael Corben, but Mrs. Grober is somehow assumed to be a top-notch agent code-named "The French Teacher" (by all sides, including the CIA).
  • Short-Lived Aerial Escape: Steranko attempts to leave in a helicopter at the end, but is shot down by Michael and Mariska using Uzis.
  • Sigil Spam: Steranko's awesome-looking scorpion emblem is on literally everything associated with him, from the coins he mints to his helicopter.
  • Slap-Slap-Kiss: Averted. Michael and Mariska almost kiss after she hits him a couple of times, but they're interrupted by a Mook at the door.
    Cell Guard: Very touching.
  • Spy Fiction: Of the Martini variety (with some bathroom Gin), often veering into Affectionate Parody at times.
  • Teen Superspy: What everybody assumes Michael to be. The British lampshade this Trope via assuming that he's probably Older Than They Look.
  • Thrown from the Zeppelin:
    • During the Board to Death scene at the beginning, Steranko and French finance minister Lafevre have this exchange, leading to the latter's demise:
      Lafevre: France's gold must remain in France.
      Steranko: Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way.
    • A much more literal interpretation of this occurs when Steranko throws Ilsa out of their helicopter.
  • Too Dumb to Live:
    • Michael's classmates. They continually ignore their constantly changing bus drivers and ultimately wind up caged over a giant vat of molten gold.
    • Additionally, the German finance minister, upon learning of Steranko's evil plan (because Steranko tells him), boldly threatens, "I'll tell the world!" While in Steranko's house. Surrounded by Steranko's Mooks. Small wonder he's last seen getting dragged off to an implied offscreen demise.
  • Took a Level in Badass: Mrs. Grober. From meek schoolteacher who lets herself get bullied by Steranko, to grabbing an Uzi and crashing his party very noisily. She even captures several of his Mooks in the climax.
  • The Unfavourite: Michael's parents (his father especially) clearly prefer his younger brother Brad. However, they don't treat him badly and his father tells him he loves him and just wishes he'd be more productive.
  • Utopia Justifies the Means: Steranko believes that, with him in charge, Europe will become an even greater superpower than it is now. All it needs be done is kill everybody that gets in the way...
  • Victimized Bystander: The snobby French doorman.
  • Villain with Good Publicity: Steranko is one of the richest men in Europe and a high-class philanthropist, when in reality he wants to take over Europe.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?: Kelly disappears from the movie after being thrown off of the bus by Zigesfeld.
  • X-Ray Vision: Built into the sunglasses. He uses it to cheat at the casino to see the next card, before being told to stop looking degenerate.
  • You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Steranko does this to Ilsa at the end.
  • You Killed My Father: Said verbatim to Steranko by Mariska (although it was actually Ilsa who did it).
    Ilsa: No, dearie, I killed your father!

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