Main Characters
These are the characters whose stories are recorded in the AAR proper. With some exceptions, all of these are played directly by Phargle. open/close all folders
Prince Knud Knytling of Denmark
- Arch-Enemy: His Mortal Enemy, Przbyslaw.
-
Alternate Character Interpretation: For Knud Knytling and his real-life counterpart: Did he become beautified because of his advocacy of Christ, or because he sends all his problems to church? - Butt-Monkey: To wit:"The enemy suffered twice as many casualties as they had men on the field. We suffered only one."'Commander Is Wounded' Prompt pops up.
- Character Death: Dies randomly during the Battle for Rügen in 1088
- Irony: Despite hating God and his sending all his problems and bastards to church, Knud Knytling gets beatified.
-
Short-Lived, Big Impact: for the AAR in general, relative to his descendants.- Also because he dies two pages into the AAR.
Count/Duke Valdemar
"I'm Valdemar Knýtling, son of Knud. I'm not as funny as he was and my adventures are tales of conquest, triumph, and sex."
- Berserk Button: Being poor and/or spending lots of money.
- Cerebus Syndrome: Unlike Prince Knud's comedic entries, Valdemar's chapters involve more bloodshed than one can wave a stick at.
- From Nobody to Nightmare: His expansions led to Danish rule across the western coast of the Baltic.
- Theme Naming: "The Machiavellian Adventures of Count/Duke Valdemar"
- Only Mostly Dead: He manages to hang around as a ghost for the rule of Knud II and King Rolf.
- Perpetual Debt: Managed, at one point in time, to become 700 ducats in debt due to continuous warfare.
- Spirit Advisor: Becomes one to the later Knytling rulers.
Duke Knud/ Kund II
"I'm Knud Knýtling, the 2nd Duke of Skåne. Valdemar was my great-uncle."
"My turn-ons include getting my hair done and giving away my money to poor people."
"My turn-offs include war, bald men, and it being illegal to kill my wife."
- Character Death: Of old age. At the age of 46.
- Inadequate Inheritor: Unlike Valdemar, Knud II likes to spend/give away a lot of his money. Valdemar is not pleased."I drop 500 ducats on a fine castle in Kalmar Län. What's that rattling sound coming from uncle Valdemar's tomb?""My vassals are unruly so I give them some ducats. 100 ducats for you, 100 ducats for you... Did anybody else hear that crashing sound coming from Uncle Valdemar's crypt?"
- Superior Successor: Later develops into this. Confirmed on his deathbed by the ghost of Valdemar:
Duchess Marguerite Knytling (née de Nevers)
'"This is Bjørn Knýtling, the 3rd duke of Skåne. He is the son of Knud Knýtling, the 2nd duke of Skåne, who was the adopted heir of the first duke, Valdemar Knýtling and the great-grandson of Valdemar's father, Knud Svendson Knýtling, prince of Denmark. It's a complicated story. ''
"Because he is not me."
"I am Marguerite de Nevers, the boy's mother and the widowed duchess of Skåne.Knud got me pregnant. Then he died, which was probably the nicest thing he ever did for me."
- Antithesis: To both Prince and Duke Knud.
- Becoming the Mask: Originally planning for the destruction of Duke Knud's legacy, she becomes increasingly Knytling-like over her regency."I've been waiting to use this particular Knýtling saying for a long time - Marguerite de Nevers, you're a genius!"
- Character Death: Dies in exile in Picardy
- Succession Crisis: Instigates one to depose King Bjørn in favor of his legitimised bastard brother Torben.
King Bjørn
"I'm Bjørn, king of Norway and Sweden and duke of Skåne, son of Knud, adopted son of Valdemar, son of Prince Knud, son of the king of Denmark."
- Black Comedy: Due to his morose nature, most of his entries come off as this:"A horrible disease strikes me down. I must inform my advisors so they can plan for the worst."
- Character Death: Dies from pneumonia in 1201.
- Civil War: Faced a continuous series of rebellions since his inauguration, as well as after his mother's exile.
- Poke the Poodle: To his mother in exile:"I try to pen a snarky letter to Marguerite, but everything I write comes out awful. So I just order some soldiers to sail to Picardy and give Marguerite the finger."
- Theme Naming: Morose, for his grim personality.
- Vestigial Empire: King Bjørn struggles to reunify the realm for his full reign.
King Knud I/ Knud III
I am the very model of / a just and wise crusader king...
- First stanza of King Knud's introduction.
- Character Death: Of Old Age in 1222.
- Valdemar helped by having sex with Knud's wife from beyond the grave.
- The Conqueror: King Knud III added England, Finland, Lithuania and Wales to the list of Kingdoms under him.
- Allohistorical Allusion: To the attempted invasions of England by OTL Harald III and Saint Canute.
- Establishing Character Moment: His introduction is a
Major General Song. - The Good King: Reunified the realm lost by King Bjørn. And went on to expand further.
- Shout-Out: To Gilbert and Sullivan, Queen, Scorpions, Dire Straits, ABBA and more.
- Theme Naming: "The Musical Adventures of King Knud".
King Erik of Norway
- Beige Prose: He would really be at home in the Laconic Wiki.
- Character Death: Assassinated anticlimactically.
- Haiku: All his entries are like this.
- Two-Chapter Wonder: He dies three years after becoming king.
- Theme Naming: There's a reason his chapter is called "The Momentary Adventures of King Erik".
- What Could Have Been: The departing statements, made by King Niels:"And I would have liked to have known you/ But I was just your kin.Assassins murdered you before/ Your legend could begin."
King Niels I
"The greatest kingdom in Christendom is jacking my backside like I'm a Turkish prostitute while my armies are betraying me and you're complaining about stress? Hhhnnnnnngggggg."
- Character Death: Illness from gangrene.
- Escalating War: The Kingdom of Burgundy declares war on his brother Valdemar, Duke of Norfolk. King Niels brings about 25,000 troops. Then eighteen countries and four duchies proceed to get involved.
- Hope Spot: After the war with Burgundy and his civil war with his brother, he conquers Ireland, goes to war in Russia and despite treasons and desertions, wins half of Russia, he gets wounded, but recovers only to die of a second infection from gangrene.
- Pyrrhic Victory: His civil war with his brother Valdemar:"Once, Valdemar was the heir to the thrones of the north.""Now he's a lousy spymaster, whereas I am in Russia... on a litter... suffering from blood poisoning... hmmm."
- Running Gag: One personal to Niels I is the bombardment of diplomatic messages he receives. Or as Niels puts it: "The Irish strategy.""Salerno falls. We prepare to......oh, no. Guards! Quick! To the battlements! Stop the..."cue screen full of peace offers.
- Self-Deprecation: Has a tendency to do this."[The Germans]] run around shouting, "The Knýtlings are coming! The Knýtlings are coming!"...which is half as much as my future wife will say it."
- Step Three: Profit: To secure his heir is a Knýtling:"Step two: Knýtlings only."
- Strong Family Resemblance: To Prince Knud.
- Theme Naming: "Molimenic"
- Viewers Are Geniuses: ...meaning periodic symptoms discomfort associated with the stress preceding or accompanying menstruation.
- Viewers Are Geniuses: ...meaning periodic symptoms discomfort associated with the stress
- Toilet Humor: Plenty of mentions of Niels I being perennially constipated and/or suffering stomach discomfort.
King Rolf
- Character Death: Driven to Suicide after being pushed too far by the possession of Valdemar's spirit.
- Children Are Innocent: Given his coronation at age six, this was to be expected."Azur tells me that my ancestor Knud cried during every important thing that happened to him, including something called 'consummation.' Everybody laughs, but I just cry.""Some ladies in the court think"marching down the Volga" is funny, and then they touch their girl parts when they think I am not looking. It must hurt because they keep making noises."
- Determinator
- Double Entendre: His war with Burgundy goes like this:"Like the arms of a unwelcome lover, my lands wrap around Burgundy from both sides and slowly bend her over Bohemia. I will penetrate her in two locations.""Alamanno is very big down south, and I am struggling to keep his mighty peninsula well in hand."
- Funny Schizophrenia: Once Duke Valdemar comes back. Again.
- Not So Funny Schizophrenia: When the resulting paranoia induced by Valdemar makes him kill his son Erik.
-
- Jumping Off the Slippery Slope: After the murder of Erik:''Rolf: "What have I done?"''Valdemar: "Where's your moxie now? Where's your moxie now?"
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: His invasion of Hungary, prompted by Valdemar, makes him the last Christian king of Europe, setting the stage for instability in King Niels II's rule.
- Oh, Crap!: When the Golden Horde arrives."Wait a second, I have enemies? Apparently, the answer is yes. Forty thousand of them."
- Refuge in Audacity: Attempts to make an alliance with the Golden Horde.'
- Theme Naming: "The Moxie of King Rolf"
King Niels II
"For did not Sun Tzu tells us, "Fighting with a large army is no different to fighting with a small one as long as the chain-yanked hand juice is injected"?"
- Balkanize Me: From the moment King Niels II takes the throne, massive declarations of independence occurs.
- The Quest: Upon realising that his son Bjørn is an Inadequate Inheritor, he divides the Pax Knýtlinga into several Kingdoms, and at the same time searches for the Scion of the Knýtling dynasty.
- He finds it in Magnus Knýtling, descendant of Sigfred Knýtling, Prince Knud's legitimate son.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: The first chapter of Niels II's rule has his Regent Holger quit. Of course, he comes back later.
- Shout-Out: Niels has a tendency to attribute quotes to Sun Tzu. Badly."Sun Tzu said, "The outcome of a whore usually determines the Irish dearth of your subjects and the Arab surprise of the nation.""
- Theme Naming: "Motificated", meaning humiliation.
- Vestigial Empire: The reign of Knig Niels II sees his realm reduced back to the traditional borders of Denmark, as he begins his search for the Scion of Knud Knytling.
Duke Magnus The Scion
- Character Death: While leading troops in Lenister. Stationary troops.This Scion cannot even get quite rightA simple solitary victory.This is pathetic.Agh! I die!
- The Chosen One: By Niels II to restore the true bloodline of Knud Knytling.
- Rags to Riches: From a Duke of Leinster with one Count to Duke of a larger demesne.
- Shout Out To Shakespeare: Magnus' chapter takes on the form of Shakespearean scripts.
- Surprise Incest: Magnus wore a mask to avoid sleeping with his steward Thyra Knytling, while Thyra wore a mask to avoid sleeping with Magnus. In the end they slept with each other anyway.
- Theme Naming: "Malapropos"; See above.
Prince Knud Skytte/Knytling of Aragon; later King Knud
- Call-Back: His chapters hark back to the style of the first Prince Knud.
- Chocolate Baby: His son Nasir. Who happens to adopt both local customs and skin color."Either my wife is cheating on me, or I'm a colossal retard. Or my wife is cheating on me and I'm a colossal retard."
- Deadpan Snarker: Slips into this sometimes:"That Sune guy arrives in court. He's sceptical and lustful; obviously, we are in the presence of a master theologian."
- Even Black Humor Has Standards: When his wife gives birth to a stillborn child:
- Overshadowed by Awesome: His son Tyke becomes King of Norway at the age of eleven, fulfilling Knud's supposed role of Scion."You know, there's a line between being proud of your children and being totally humiliated by them. There's a line, and Tyke has crossed it."
- Tangled Family Tree: And he marries Magnus's sister Sophie, to boot, tying the two lines of the Knytling bloodline tighter.
- And to the point where inbred children, like his daughter Elin, start appearing.
- Theme Naming: "Myriadigamous"; someone who is willing to marry all kinds of people.
- Unexpected Successor: To the title of Scion of the Knytling bloodline, considering his distance from the bloodline of the first Prince Knud via his eldest daughter Bodil.
- Unfortunate Names: As the spirits of the previous Knytlings put it during the interlude introducing him:Spirit of King Bjørn: "With a weary sense of dread at the inevitable display of what passes for humor to you, we all know you want to say it."Spirit of Duke Knud: "Hee hee, okay. 'I'd love to skytte all over his knuts.'"
- Who Names Their Kid "Tyke"?"I've got a baby coming down the pipe and we'll need a priest around to baptize the little tyke."''
King Tyke
"I'm Tyke Knýtling. <pronoun> <verb, past> this <reflexive pronoun>."
- Abel And Cain: Gets into a feud with his brother Nasir.
- Censored for Comedy: Most of the stuff left out serves as this:"All this work making people my <medieval profession, plural> is tiring. I'll just take a break to see how <adverb> Italy is <verb ending in -ing>. Even that <noun> from Corsica who became my <noun that means woman> is <verb ending in -ing> them."
- Last Words: Of the "falling into unconsciousness" type. In madlibs."And so the House of Knud <verb ending in -s> into the <noun, plural> of a Western Slav.""Bretislav will have to be his own <adjective> <noun>."
- Madlibs Dialogue: All of his entries are like this...
- Noodle Incident: ...leaving a lot to one's imagination.
"<medieval profession>. Is there anything they can't <verb>?""It's like a being a <sex-trade profession> with no <important body part>, but without all the <plural noun>."
King Bretislav
"My name is Bretislav Knýtling. I will offer no pithy comments regarding who painted this, because I don't think it's funny."
- Arch-Enemy: Appears to be this to the Knytling dynasty. And to Emperor Adolf Knytling during their brief war.
- Character Death: Dies during the march to Halland to restore the Knytling legacy.
- Flat "What": In response to seeing Germany unite and toss out their excommunicated King Michael in favour of a military tyrant. Adolf Knytling."This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've seen in my entire life."
- Inadequate Inheritor: Oversees the destruction of his obligations to the late King Tyke, by having wrecked the invasion of Sweden, having the to-be heir of Sweden die, and manages to screw his cousin to death.
- In the Blood: Spends a lot of time trying to resist the Knytling urges to send his problems to church or display other Knytling urges.
- He succumbs to the Knytling bloodline near the end.
- Last-Second Word Swap: Tends to do this to resist other Knytlingsque phrases."Bretislav Knýling, you're...not going to use this particular phrase."
King Sambor
When King Bretislav kicked the bucket - it sucked
His Western Slav son (little Sambor) was plucked
From Norwegian obscurity where he was tucked
To assume the position for royal conduct!
To twin with his kin, if you know what I mean
So he twinned her, he spinned her, he pinned her, and then -
''We're PG-13, but you know where he's been!
- Theme Naming: The Musal Adventures of King Sambor.
- Take That!: One chapter is written in the format of "My Heart Will Go On" following a reader's comment and ends with this:phargle: I officially hate each and every one of you.
Queen Judith
This Swedish count serving a Catalan king of England in France surrender to me, a Polish Queen of Spain, without a fight.
"In a far-away land in a far-away time, there lived a princess. In her sun-lit kingdom, the beautiful princess was never expected to do anything awful like expel Jews from Spain because her uncle Blazej is some sort of hateful man-troll."
- Arch-Enemy: Her step-uncle Blazej, who also happens to be her Evil Chancellor. Also potentially her suitor.
- Call-Back: Seeing a King of Bohemia named Valdemar, Judith looks up her ancestor Valdemar Knytling. Her reaction is appropriate.I spanked Ulrich hard and then he paid me. Now I've done something that isn't in Valdemar's hist-No, wait. There it is.:O
- The Good Queen: Chaste, a high Martial Score, unified the Spanish Peninsula and expanded into France, Burgundy, Italy and Africa and The Byzantium Empire and who unfortunately is prone to the occasional Accidental Innuendo.
- Ms. Fanservice: in later chapters:Blazej is becoming very stressed! It might be because of me. I'm timing my morning bath for when he is likely to walk by.My plan is to give him a heart attack.
"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl. She was blonde and slim, and always wore fine dresses and blank expressions that hid her inner sadness. You see, the girl lived a difficult life beset by many challenges: being a perfect queen; wicked step-uncles pawing at her; age stealing her beauty; hard struggles with chastity; softer struggles with Chastity, an emissary from Lesbos; war; more war; even more war; the burdens of destiny that forced her to do as her crooked forebears wished. For a very long time, she was depressed by her troubles and sought to escape by writing about her life. Her characters were always wonderful and suffered none of her problems, but they never made her happy no matter how perfect she tried to make them. In fact, they just made her more and more sad the more perfect they became, because it reminded her of her own flaws. And so she lived a life of isolation, sadness, and depression. The only bright spot of joy she ever experienced was the news that her wicked step-uncle had died in some sort of accident involving a harness, the Duchess of Bergslagen, and three carrots. It wasn't until the princess took the advice of a long-dead ancestor, advice hidden deep within a history book, that she found true bliss, and the advice was this: every problem can be solved by killing it or having sex with it. Also, there was a unicorn. The end."
, there was a beautiful girl. She was blonde and slim, and always wore fine dresses and blank expressions that hid her inner sadness. You see, the girl lived a difficult life beset by many challenges: being a perfect queen; wicked step-uncles pawing at her; age stealing her beauty; hard struggles with chastity; softer struggles with Chastity, an emissary from Lesbos; war; more war; even more war; the burdens of destiny that forced her to do as her crooked forebears wished. For a very long time, she was depressed by her troubles and sought to escape by writing about her life. Her characters were always wonderful and suffered none of her problems, but they never made her happy no matter how perfect she tried to make them. In fact, they just made her more and more sad the more perfect they became, because it reminded her of her own flaws. And so she lived a life of isolation, sadness, and depression. The only bright spot of joy she ever experienced was the news that her wicked step-uncle had died in some sort of accident involving a harness, the Duchess of Bergslagen, and three carrots. It wasn't until the princess took the advice of a long-dead ancestor, advice hidden deep within a history book, that she found true bliss, and the advice was this: every problem can be solved by killing it or having sex with it. Also, there was a unicorn. The end." King George/Jirí
This image doesn't fit the storyline at all, so I'd like to remind you that I'm married to a relative.
We're having sex.
It's incest!
My reputation returns to respectability, no doubt because of all the incest I'm having.
- Cerebus Rollercoaster: Becausing of the changing formats, the chapters switch between comedy and seriousness.
- Civil War:The start of the civil war in which Bristol, Kairouan, Hainaut - which ruled all of Austria, half of Algeria, and half of Italy - Västergötland, Fes, Oxford, Spoleto, Pommerania, Norrland, Morocco, Tejo, Macon, Cornwall, Vermandois, Genoa, Abydos, Leptis Magna, and a few other assholes rose in rebellion.
- Theme Naming: The Mimicking Adventures of King George.
- Dungeon Crawling: The chapter "Valdemar Wins". It involves a handjob and stairs.
King Stephen
- Book Ends: The entries of King Stephen return to the style of Prince Knud.
- From Bad to Worse: First, he gets possessed by the ghost of Prince Knud Knytling (the first), then he gets an axe in the head, then he becomes a zombie; by the end of the game, he gets wasted by a descendent of Knud I's first arch-enemy Przybyslaw.
- The descendent's name? Knud Knýtling.
