Characters / ElvenQuest

The Questers

Sam Porter

A fantasy author who is accidentally brought to the mystical land of Lower Earth when three Questers attempt to kidnap his dog Amis, who is actually the Chosen One destined to evil. Sam regards the quest with disdain and constant frustration, especially when his companions seem fixated taking the most complicated route.

Played by: Stephen Mangan

• Amazon Chaser: His hopeless crush/love/lust for Penthesilea
• Bystander Syndrome: Is generally unwilling to help other people, or indeed do anything that involves risk.
• Commander Contrarian: Penth notes that he does so to be different, but is too cowardly to stick to his guns, and just goes along with what everyone says anyway.
• Deadpan Snarker: Mainly about why the Questers seem to take the most dangerous routes.
• Dirty Coward: He doesn't do any actual fighting, and Dean states he's the sort who'd soil himself at the first whiff of danger, which he cops to. The only time he volunteers to do something heroic is another attempt to get into Penthesilea's skirts, and when that backfires he tries to do everything he can to get out of it.
• The Eeyore: Penthesilea describes him as someone who "doesn't appear to enjoy anything".
• Everyone Has Standards: Lazy, rude, kind of selfish, but he's still irritated by Vidar being sexist, telling him he's lost the right for a democratic vote.
• The Friend No One Likes: Mainly on account of his constant complaining, and because he's only there because they have his dog.
• Genre Savvy: Well, he is a fantasy author.
• Jerkass: Can be sometimes, often showing a staggering lack of care or concern for his companions, and a very creepy approach towards Penthesilea.
• The Load: For the most part, as he has no combat skills. But occasionally his genre savviness helps the Questers along.
• Manchild: After another pathetic attempt to get into Penthesilea's underwear fails, he apparently took off in a sulk.
• Only Sane Man: Usually. Though not always. Especially not where Penthesilea is involved.
• Skewed Priorities: Sam's often more concerned about whether he'll have sex with Penthesilea than anything, including the fate of Lower Earth.
• Summon Everyman Hero: An aversion, it seems like this was the intention of the Questers, but in fact they want to summon his dog, Amis.
• Surrounded by Idiots: His opinion. And in fairness, he's probably right.
• This Looks Like a Job for Aquaman: Temporarily splits with the Questors, but they go find him again because they need his utterly pessimistic outlook to survive a swamp.

Vidar

Adopted son of the Elven King Osterman, Thane of Scanessea and the leader of the Questers.

Played by: Darren Boyd

• Ambiguously Bi: He doesn't seem to object to the principle of "spooning" with Sam. Though this may be because, as with many things, he just doesn't understand the concept.
• Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Explaining plans to him requires him to be able to pay attention for a start, which is an uphill struggle itself.
• Brainless Beauty: Dashing and handsome, but not very intelligent.
• Catchphrase: "Onwards, questers, for somewhere the Sword of Asnagar awaits."
• Cloudcuckoolander
• Daddy Had a Good Reason for Abandoning You: They were tricked by a villain and died penniless, apparently via their own stupidity.
• Does Not Understand Sarcasm: No matter how hard Sam tries to explain it to him.
• Dumbass Has a Point: When briefly demoted from leadership, he actually makes a few valid points. Naturally, everyone else tells him to shut up.
• Idiot Hero
• It Runs in the Family: His birth parents were just as gormless as he.
• The Leader: Only because of his heritage. Otherwise the questers would be quite glad to be rid of him.
• Literal-Minded: Another thing to watch out for with him.
• Manchild: For one thing, he still reads comic books (or the Lower Earth equivalent).
• Nice Guy: The friendliest of the Questers, but dumb as a post.
• No Sense of Direction: Which is probably not a good thing for the team's leader.
• Oblivious Adoption: Does not seem to grasp, despite the obvious differences in appearances and intelligence, that he is not the child of King Ostermon.
• Politically Incorrect Hero: Sexist, refusing to accept Penthesilea as a potential leader because he refuses to listen to a woman.
• Sarcasm-Blind: Also a problem for him.

Penthesilea

Played by: Sophie Winkleman (Series 1-3); Ingrid Oliver (Series 4)

• Action Girl: An Amazon Warrior Princess.
• Brutal Honesty: Holds no punches telling Sam he hasn't a chance in Hell with her.
• Character Development: In the first series she has no understanding of where babies come from, and has a number of I Didn't Mean to Turn You On moments with Sam. She grows more knowledgeable as the series progresses.
• Chaste Hero: She's a chaste warrior princess. Sam is determined to get her to break her vows.
• Hyper-Competent Sidekick: To the point where Vidar outright states that his plan is to "ask Penthesilea to come up with a plan".
• Jerkass Ball: When she believes Vidar is not of noble birth, she immediately denounces him as leader of the Questers.
• Massive Numbered Siblings: The last of sixteen daughters.
• Missing Mom: She's been dead since Penth was a kid.
• Most Common Superpower: Mentioned to be quite generously endowed, with the added effect of standard fantasy heroine wear.
• Of Corsets Sexy: Only mentioned, since this is radio, but the White Wizard identifies her largely by her tight bodice.
• Ping Pong Naïveté: Veers between being the most rational minded of the Questors to knowing absolutely nothing about things like where babies come from.
• Sickeningly Sweethearts: When she falls under the influence of Sam's love potion, she becomes like this. Sam bears it for a while, but soon goes crazy (especially when he discovers that he's going to have to going on shopping trips and meet her mother.)
• Weight Woe: In series 2, episode 2. Apparently it's one of the symptoms of the Fat Curse.

Dean

Played by: Kevin Eldon

• Aerith and Bob: Alongside Vidar and Penthesilea.
• Fantastic Racism: Makes it clear he really doesn't like Sam.
• Incompatible Orientation: He's got a crush on Vidar, who naturally doesn't notice (and probably wouldn't get it even if it was explained to him).
• Our Dwarves Are All the Same: More or less, save for one teeny-difference...
• The Pigpen: Often mentioned to smell really awful. He never notices.
• Transparent Closet: Much jokes come from the fact Dean is blatantly gay but seems to be the only one to not notice.
• "Well Done, Son" Guy: Endlessly put down by his father, the Master Stonemason.

Amis, the Chosen One

Played by: Dave Lamb

• Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!
• The Chosen One: Spoofed. He is the chosen one... and he's a dog.
• Extreme Omnivore: He was a dog, and it still shows in his diet. He's eaten cat litter, spiders (even though he didn't like them), sheep turds...
• Groin Attack: He was fixed as a dog. He's still pretty upset about it.
• Incorruptible Pure Pureness: The only one immune to the corrupting power of the Sword of Asnagar. Unfortunately, he's also easily influenced by the much less pure Vidar and Dean into going along with their turn to evil.
• The Klutz
• My Instincts Are Showing: Frequently shows up, as seen when he chases sheep and is immediately swayed by the promise of biscuits. He also views relationships as little more than mounting, though Sam may agree with him there...
• The Heart: Retains the cheerfulness he had as a dog and becomes very upset when the Questers argue.

The Villains

Lord Darkness

Played by: Alistair McGowan

• Affably Evil: He becomes this to the Questers after they keep encountering each other in the most unusual circumstances.
• Bad Boss: Treats his minions appallingly. Kreach especially.
• Blessed with Suck: He's a semi-etherial presence. Good for evil, but a right nuisance when trying to do anything involving putting his weight into things, such as shutting a heavy suitcase.
• Camp Straight
• Enemy Mine: Occasionally teams up with the Questers when a large threat is at hand, such as being lost in the Mines of Grazak-Dun.
• Even Evil Has Standards: He may be the pestilential lord of everything putrid, but he won't cheat somebody in a business deal.
• Evil Is Petty: Used a book Kreach had written, a well-written one at that, as a firelight out of nothing more than spite.
• Formerly Fat: Sent away to Dietica's camp to cure his chubbiness.
• Freudian Excuse: Though he insists his parents loved him, it turns out his Bad Boss tendencies are because they sent him to fat camp, where he was mercilessly bullied by Dietica. Once he gets revenge, he gets over it. Or rather, he starts mistreating his underlings because he enjoys doing it, not to make up for childhood woes.
• Informed Attribute: Is called a necromancer several times but never actually raises anyone from the dead.
• Lazy Bum: At one point in series 4, he starts reading a pop-psychology pamphlet, and gives up full-time evil in favour of just doing whatever, much to Kreach's irritation.
• Leitmotif: Scenes between him and Kreech begin with six notes in a lower key, screeching birds and the sound of dripping water. Or some other deadly fluid found in the dungeon of a diabolical necromancer.
• Like an Old Married Couple: With Kreach.
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast
• The Needless: Doesn't need to sleep, save for one regeneration every now and then. Without it, he'd suddenly die and dissolve on the wind.
• Non-Action Big Bad: Darkness isn't a fighter. When he tries fighting without magic, he learns he's more of a danger to himself than anything else.
• Phrase Catcher: He arrives with a crash of thunder, causing Vidar to exclaim "Lord Darkness!"
• Sacrificed Basic Skill for Awesome Training: Over the course of becoming a powerful magic user to conquer Lower Earth he has completely failed to acquire any melee fighting skills. At one point Kreech, despite having lost an arm to a sword-training mishap, is still able to beat him instantly in a sparring match.
• Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: Kabar the Maleficent.
• Tom the Dark Lord: His real name is... Billy.
• Vocal Dissonance: Has a very nasal voice compared to the leaden tones you might expect of a dark lord.

Kreach

Played by: Kevin Eldon

• Affably Evil: Has no real quarrel with the Questers.
• Ambiguous Gender: So says Lord Darkness, at any rate.
• Beleaguered Assistant: Though for the most part he seems to be comfortable with his lot in life.
• Clingy Jealous Girl: Helps recover the Sword from Lord Darkness, freeing Vidar and Dean from its corruptive influence, mainly because Vidar and Dean teamed up with Darkness, and he's jealous.
• Hypercompetent Sidekick: Often has to reign Lord Darkness in. He also manages to write an entire encyclopedia on evil sorcery in the course of one night.
• Like an Old Married Couple: With Lord Darkness.
• Pintsized Powerhouse: He's a midget, but capable of putting Lord Darkness on the floor even when he's down an arm.

Grunter

• Hidden Depths: Grunter's written more than one book in his time.
• The Unintelligible: Speaks mainly in grunts.

Guest Characters

The Oracle of Fenrog

Played by: Lizzie Watts

• Seers: Often uses her powers to Troll the other characters. The end of her episode also shows that she sometimes muddles up her dates.

Beorthnoth the Brave

Played by: Ben Miles

• Big Bad Wannabe: Proves no match for Lord Darkness.
• Evil Mentor: Studied under Lord Darkness himself.
• Malicious Misnaming: Known by Lord Darkness as "Beorthnoth the Bastard."

The Night Demon

• Eviler than Thou: Subverted, despite what he says. Though Darkness is concerned about letting him out of his box, he is able to banish him immediately after returning renewed from his evil spa treatment.
• Evil Sounds Deep
• Sealed Evil in a Can: Even Lord Darkness keeps him locked in a box.

Dietica

Played by: Sanjeev Bhaskar

The owner of what is essentially a fat camp where he aims to remove the "spell" of obesity that the Questers have fallen under.

• Drill Sergeant Nasty
• Hoist by His Own Petard: Put in his own torture chamber, which passively forces its occupants to pick endlessly at a buffet of finger food.
• Jerkass: Endlessly rude and nasty.
• Saying Too Much: Judging by one of his comments, which he hastily covers up, he's motivated by his own body issues.

Zara

Played by: Christine Cavanaugh

The centaur High Priestess of Gondola, sworn to chastity by her office.

• Celibate Hero: Anyone who hits on her dies.
• Last of His Kind: She's the last centaur left in Lower Earth.

The Bridgekeeper Kabar the Maleficent

Played by: Gus Brown

Lord Darkness' Sitcom Arch-Nemesis.

• Disney Villain Death: Averted, when it is discovered the bottomless chasm is not so bottomless after all.
• Master of Disguise: Disguises himself as The Bridgekeeper.
• Shout-Out: His disguise as the Bridgekeeper resembles the character of the same name in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
• Sitcom Archnemesis: To Lord Darkness, bickering with one another about his success re; finding the sword.
• You Killed My Father: Not quite, but by making them give up their worldly possessions he made King Raglan and Queen Isogar ([[spoiler:Vidar's real parents) die of shame.

Emperor Jackie

Played by: Sanjeev Bhaskar

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Essentially a more unpleasant and lecherous version of Elvis Presley.

Little Dick, The Master Stonemason

Played by: John Sessions

• Abusive Parents: Just endlessly cruel and dismissive towards Dean.
• Meaningful Name: His true name is quite an apt description of him.
• Ultimate Blacksmith: The finest in the kingdom.

King Baldwin the Jovial

Played by: Daniel Rigby

• The Alcoholic.

The White Wizard

Played by: John Sessions

• Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Is reputed as just generally being a nice sort of guy, and on the surface he is extremely cordial and friendly... he's just also a little control-freaky and can't stand being disagreed with.
• Brought Down to Normal: Kreach destroys his... "orbs" and his orbs of power, bringing him down to normal. He's actually okay with this. Well, except for the first part.
• Camp Straight: His voice bears a strong resemblance to Camp Gay British comedian Julian Clary.
• Knight Templar: Anyone who is bad gets rendered off to his dungeon, where they're fed to a giant spider.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: In his dialogue he uses terms such as "The Third Way" and "Coalition of the Willing" which are references to comments made by former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. His speech pattern also bears some resemblance to Blair's, albeit considerably more camp.
• Tautological Templar: As the embodiment of all good, he reasons that whatever he sees as good must therefore be good. Disagreeing with him, however mildly, automatically must make one evil, as Penthesilea finds out.
  Penthesilea: I'm not evil just because I disagree with you!
  White Wizard: You're doing it again!

Nigressa

Played by: Phoebe Waller-Bridge

• Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Initially appears to be the owner and head chef of the greatest restaurant in Lower Earth. She also has customers turned into pigs so they can be slaughtered and served to the next customers.
• Comically Missing the Point: Part of her unusual supplies procurement is brought on by hatred for having to serve customers constantly. Sam notes there are ways she could avoid this whole thing, like simply not owning a restaraunt.
• Evil Versus Evil: She turns Lord Darkness into a pig.
• Hoist by Their Own Petard: Winds up inadvertently eating one of her enchanted sausages in a moment of depression, turning her into a pig.
• Hot Witch: Apparently very attractive, and wearing a revealing outfit that is only kept on via magic. She plans to keep Sam as her love slave, which he's not totally against... until she notes that when she's bored she'll kill and eat him, too.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: She's a parody of Nigella Lawson, a celebrity chef known for her Double Entendre ridden cooking shows. Only with more evil.

Penthesilea's mother

• Jerkass: She's rude, arrogant, condescending, demeaning towards her daughter, and everyone else for that matter.
• Laser-Guided Karma: Faced with a choice between saving Lord Darkness or taking her from the underworld, and therefore having to put up with her attitude constantly, the Questers decide to save Darkness. Penthesilea is momentarily sad about it... and then never brings it up again.
• Missing Mom: On account of having been dead for decades.
• No Name Given: She's just Penthesilea's mother.
• The Upper Crass: Looks down on Sam for being a pleb. Also, flirting with her, which she finds both disgusting and pathetic, but mainly being common.