Video game lessons learned the hard way

Resident Evil prior to 4: Don't try to kill every zombie you see.

Resident Evil after 4: Kill every zombie you see.

Can't think of anything witty, so have this instead...

Pokemon: Unless you EV train your Pokemon, level up to close to Red's level before you fight him. Otherwise it's not pretty.

Final Fantasy VIII: Take every tactic I know about JRPGS and do the exact opposite to win.

It isn't as hard as everyone seems to think with everyone at level 100.

No, what I learned from that game was 'Leave Squall in near death status', and 'Meltdown owns everything, including bosses', and also 'Spam Demi after disc 3'.

Can't think of anything witty, so have this instead...

it's not hard per se, the first time around I leveled everyone to 100 and still whooped Ultimecia's ass, although I had some trouble with Omega.

Then i wondered what would happen if i didn't level up, didn't use magic, and played card games all day... and wow, I didn't even have to use any cheap items (like Holy War + aura stone) to kill Omega.

This is more my personal list of "Things Chainsaw is no longer allowed to do in Paradox Interactive games"

Crusader Kings:

• Just because you have a claim doesn't mean you need to follow it up.
• It is not necessary, nor is it wise, to have a demesne the size of your entire kingdom. Even if your vassals are all backstabbing whores, your own children included.

Europa Universalis III:

• Just because you have a Casus Belli doesn't mean you need to follow it up.
• The world doesn't care if you were attacked first if your response to a border skirmirsh is to annex six countries. Yes, even if the Romans did it.
• The war before is much easier than the rebellion after. Especially for your patience.
• No matter how much the council begs, do not keep the Auld Alliance. The French are assholes and their king will laugh as Scotsmen bleed.
• If you are a one-state country, you do not have the luxury of being nice to the massive eleven province empire sitting next door.
• If you're fighting more than eleven people at once, even if you are winning, something has gone horribly wrong.
• If your infamy stat is four times as high as your infamy limit, something has also gone horribly wrong.
• These are related.
• Contrary to popular belief, a long, drawn out occupation is more favourably recieved than a quick execution.
• Your vassals will never, ever agree to let you annex them. Stop trying to persuade them.

Victoria: An Empire Under The Sun.

• Conquering the world is not a plausible objective in this game.
• Just because you have a valid casus belli doesn't mean you ''need'' to follow it up.
• You do not need to end every war you fight with a crushing victory.
• The world is a horrible horrible place, and your single-handed attempt to abolish slavery through violent conquest is probably going to end in tears.
• Peace is always an option.
• You are not supposed to side with the socialist rebels.
• Britain does not have a reconquest casus belli on Normandy in 1820.
• Britain does not have a claim to the French crown in 1820.
• Britain has no reason to take revenge on Norway and Denmark over that whole Viking business 900 years ago.

Dragon Age

• One of these things is not like the others.
• Asking a party member to leave has the predictable result.
• A naked berserker charge into the enemy with your female dwarf will not distract the enemy. It will get her killed.
• Don't trust the AI with powerful Area of Effect spells.
• Don't mock easy mode. This game needs it.

edited 17th May '11 11:15:28 AM by GameChainsaw

The term "Great Man" is disturbingly interchangeable with "mass murderer" in history books.

Freespace

• You are not a One-Man Army on insane.
• Space superiority fighters are made of tissue paper on insane.
• Don't play chicken with a heavy fighter on insane. You will lose.
• Flak fire HURTS on insane.
• Fear the SF Dragon. Yes, even when not playing on insane.
• "Avoid the beam and you won't get hit, pilot!"

Starcraft2

• Supply depots don't sufficiently protect from anything zerg has to offer.

Last but not least:

• I suck at shmups :(

Pour y voir clair, il suffit souvent de changer la direction de son regard www.xkcd.com/386/

you kind of have to have units behind the supply depots...

they're perfect against the zerg, because they have no decent ranged units until hydralisks, which are tier 2.5. marines and marauders can sit behind a supply depot block-off and can hold off any zergling/roach play. a baneling bust is the only option zerg has, and that costs a lot of gas.

Demon's Soul:

• Don't try to only counter; block or dodge are much more useful.
• You can't counter a boss. Ever.
• If you go as magician, heavy armor won't raise your survivability.
• FireStorm is random, except against the False King, in which case it always miss.
• Yuria is as dangerous as she is cute.

edited 17th May '11 11:27:56 AM by MisterC

Who's an angry moth? You are! Yes you are! You're the fuzziest and angriest moth! Original pic.

^^
Rax wall >> depot wall

Pour y voir clair, il suffit souvent de changer la direction de son regard www.xkcd.com/386/

except it's more expensive, you might not be able to add attachments depending on which way the ramp's facing, and you can't lift up without sacrificing some of your production capabilities.

oh, also, the size is a problem too. supply depots are small enough that the range 5/6 marines/marauders can attack the roaches (range 4) who are hitting the supply depots. With barracks, you really have no choice other than to let them wail away, or lift up and force an engagement.

edited 17th May '11 11:50:42 AM by willyolio

I think we should continue discussing this in the sc2 thread...

Pour y voir clair, il suffit souvent de changer la direction de son regard www.xkcd.com/386/

yes, probably. back on topic...

saving up skill points and running on minimum until level 30 is really the only way to survive beyond Normal difficulty in Diablo II. about 90% of the skills each character has are useless.

Pokemon Black And White:

• Just because that's an Electric-type Gym Leader doesn't mean she'll go easy on you.
• They finally went easy on you for the whole Pokedex ordeal.
• Only leveling up one Pokemon won't help you now.

I can't play Empire: Total War for less than two hours at a time, and I should never boot up that game unless I have at least two hours to spare.

I wish the game box had warned me about this, instead of requiring me to find out for myself.

What about two/three? I'm waiting for the Pokémon game that actually forces balance among five or six party members.

It Just Bugs Me

Another lesson from Vicky. The French standing army is about 66000 men. The French reserve army numbers in the hundreds of thousands. If trying to attack France, for the love of God mobilise your reserves, unless you want your invasion to turn out looking like an Anglo-French precursor to the Eastern Front of World War II, complete with human wave tactics.

edited 18th May '11 5:39:00 PM by GameChainsaw

The term "Great Man" is disturbingly interchangeable with "mass murderer" in history books.

Pokemon has Fake Balance. Everything's broken.

Gamefreak's not exactly forcing you to use 6 Pokemon, though it's ideal. They do discourage solo runs though. You could have 2-4 members and it's easier that way.

edited 18th May '11 5:46:29 PM by Marioguy128

You got some dirt on you. Here's some more!

That's all, hnd? ...Well, THIS one applies to all 3.

Ia MP, SWR, 12.3: Take note of how the spellcards loop in stroy mode, and how to avoid them. Failure to do that, especially in Meiling's story in 12.3, will make you wind up pichuun'd.*

Ia MP, SWR: If spellcards form walls that are the height of the entire screen, YOU MUST DASH/GRAZE THROUGH THEM. Too kme ages to figure out this one for Aya >_>.

Speaking of Touhou...

Every game other than the fighters: DON'T HOARD UP YOUR BOMBS TOO MUCH AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE THEM. You'll find it much easier this way. Also, note which spellcards are immune to bombs. This is survival cards (obviously)< many of the final boss final spellcards, and every extra boss spellcard Except Marisa's in Fairy Wars, and evne then that's due to it merely freezing the screen

Tetris TGM: This.

http://twitter.com/raydere | http://raydere.tumblr.com

Spelunky:

• Just because flip-hanging over an arrow trap prevents you from getting hit, doing so when the trap is very close to another wall is a stupid idea.
• Don't do a running jump into a pushblock while holding a rock. You will die, somehow.
• Don't get shot by an arrow while holding another arrow.
• Shopkeepers aren't big fans of getting eaten by Man-Eating Plants. They are typically very pissed off when they do.

edited 20th May '11 12:06:17 PM by hnd03

So. Let's all pause for a moment to smell what the Rock was, is, and forever will be... cooking.—Cave Johnson

Virtua Fighter series: This game series, especially parts 4 and 5, is not about delivering the most awesome combo.

Infinity Blade: You can't rely on reflexes entirely. You also have to learn enemy attack patterns.

Final Fantasy XII:

• Gambits are useful, especially for boss fights when you can't really be bothered to pay attention to more than one character.
• Gaining quickening licenses also increases MP.

Europa Universalis III:

• Wars with hordes are a life-and-death struggle, they do not feel remorse.
• Infamy is bad for diplomacy.
• European politics are screwed-up, don't bother.

Vicky 2:

• The United Kingdom will notice when you annex Korea and China.
• In the unmodded game, the United Kingdom gets the full benefits of ownership of India.
• World War I is not gonna happen without a serious mod, don't bother trying to get your allies to join in wars against other G Ps.

Hearts Of Iron III:

• You should check the stats of a type of aircraft before testing it out on the enemy's mega-naval-stack with like two cruisers and a battleship. It turns out that "naval attack" is an important stat for such a task.
• If you're not in the invasion path of the Axis, you need to lower your neutrality to join World War 2.
• Terrain affects supply movement.

ARMA 2:

• This game is realistic, you should try not to ever get shot.
• 5.56mm does not have good penetration against modern body armor.
• 7.62x51mm and 7.62x54R will kill in one shot if they hit a vital organ, like the brain.
• In heavy city fighting, especially Zargabad, you need to have eyes on all angles.
• There is a good reason why the "up-armored" humvee kit was developed, because one that is not up-armored is vulnerable to ordinary small arms fire.
• This game is realistic, people can get shot through windshields and cockpit glass.
• This game is realistic, explosives throw shrapnel all over the place.
• This game is realistic, gravity and wind affect bullets.

I've got another Spelunky lesson: The owner of the dice throwing game doesn't appreciate getting dice thrown at him. However his "friends" in the Black Market don't seem to care and would be all too glad to give you free stuff because you pissed off that asshole.

So. Let's all pause for a moment to smell what the Rock was, is, and forever will be... cooking.—Cave Johnson

Heavy Rain:Carter Blake is a jerk, but he is not a murderer.

edited 20th May '11 10:37:11 PM by lolacat

Seeing all these piss ant tropers trying to talk tough makes me laugh. If Matrix were here, he'd laugh too.