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Quotes / The Abridged Series

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Joe-Kage: Personally, I don't see what's so important about a bridge. I mean, come on... First one guy makes a bridge and everybody uses it, they're like: "Woo! Look, a bridge! That's new!" So, like, these other two guys make another bridge, and it's kinda like the first one, but people use it anyway because the other guy is like: "Ooh, their bridge is pretty good too! Check it out!" And then these other three guys are like: "Oh, we're going to make the best bridge ever! We're going to combine our talents and be like oh, look at our bridge, it's totally amazing, ooh." And it's like... turns out really good, and it's like the best one out of all the other bridges. Everybody subscribes to it...
Naruto: Subscribes to it?
Joe-Kage: I mean, uh, everybody crosses it, because it's a bridge. Yeah. And before you know it, everybody and their mother is making a bridge. So there's a bridge, everywhere. Nobody even knows why they're making a bridge anymore. They just want people to cross it. They don't care where they're going. The first guy is like: "I'm gonna go to conventions to promote my bridge." It's like... it's just a bridge. It's not a big deal. Get over it.
Naruto: What's he talking about?
David Bowie (Kakashi): Apparently, bridges.

(approximate translation)
Konrad Lorenznote : Five minutes 47 seconds ago you suffered death by gunshot from a weapon-looking object's bullet-looking projectile which penetrated your prefrontal cortex and caused aortal dysfunction. And yet you're standing in front of me now in that costume as if there weren't any other ones in the costume shop. Yet this is still better than if you were to dress as the Easter Bunny, pink ears waving in the wind and hoe-like teeth hanging out from under your shades. (every monitor in the background displays that picture)
Neonnote : Then I'm dead?
Lorenz: Dear sor Neon, you really should be! But the situation is much more complicated since you're the One.
Neon: The One?
Lorenz: Oh, don't run so much forward. You weren't even born yet... when I was black-belt on nerdyness, soldier-boy and rock-paper-scissors. If you die now, you'll march gloriously into history and your face will be downloaded as phone oplogo from the Internet for decades. But you can choose to return, in which case you'll be able to fly like Superman above the rural churches after your resurrection. If you choose this however, I warn you: if you review your life's film before your death, don't see a two-and-a-half hour long action film chock full of special effects!
Neon: I can't decide... I want to call grannynote .
Lorenz: Bloody hell, I'll be very unhappy if you keep going like this!
Vektor, a Hungarian-made abridged movie of The Matrix

Misato: Well, we got here in record time. Then again, it is an abridged series.
Shinji: What was that about some bridge? What's that mean?
Gendo: It's condensing a show while exaggerating the characters' personalities. Normally I'm a maniacal ... BASTARD ...
Akagi: {talking over} See, this is why we don't let him monologue.
Gendo: ...into multiple metaphoric images. However, the writer was too lazy, so he decided to make me a sarcastic douchebag for no adequately explained reason.

"Marriages are like abridged series. They're usually offensive and don't last very long."
Princess Celestia, Ultra Fast Pony

Yami: As pharaoh, I created the original bridge. It was terrible and barely worked, but it was the only one around and everyone loved it.
Yugi: Man, bridges sure have come a long way since then, huh, Yami?
Yami: Nah, they all got replaced by Let's Players.
Episode 69 - Toon Pangs, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

To paraphrase the Holy Bible:
"In the beginning, God created a whole lot of stuff. Then God made all this stuff differentiate into different kinds of stuff. Then God instilled a seed of life into a certain type of stuff. Then God instilled a seed of intelligence into a certain type of life. But the rareness of the event of this seed of intelligence coming to full fruition ensured that there'd always be a lot of simple, gullible people to be manipulated by more insightful individuals. God had also designed intelligence in such a way that as soon as the seed of intelligence sprouted in a form of life, so would develop a concept of pleasure; and pleasure would become a purpose in and of itself. Thus God ensured the existence of an entertainment industry. Following from all this, it was inevitable that a few relatively smart people'd figure out what kind of franchise would catch on with the masses. As such a franchise spread across the globe, it would become equally inevitable that a number of funny people would simultaneously start abbreviating, enhancing and ridiculing the series in question. The result of this practice would come to be known as "abridged series" and it is this magnificent product of billions years of divinely ordained evolution that constitutes the ultimate reason for this universe's existence."


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