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  • This whole scene from volume one, Hopeland:
    Mario: I could probably be a top athlete if I wanted to. I just don't want to.
    Dennis: Oh yeah, Mario, that's why.
    Mario: Up yours, Hoey, that is why. For your information, this summer two different Premiership teams rang me up to offer me trials.
    Dennis: The Premiership of masturbating.
    Niall: If there was a Premiership of masturbating, you would be David Beckham.
    Dennis: *puts on an English accent and acts like he's being interviewed* Masturbating's changed a lot since I were a lad, Brian. In my day, we masturbated for the sheer love of it. Day and night we did it, all the kids on our estate, masturbating on the old waste ground, masturbating up against the wall of the house...I remember me mam coming out and shouting, 'Stop that masturbating and come in for your tea! You'll never amount to anything if all you think about is masturbating!' Masturbating crazy we were. Your young masturbators today, though, it's all about the money, it's all about agents and endorsements. Sometimes I worry that the masturbating's in danger of being squeezed out altogether.
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  • Just all of Mario's attempts to flirt, and all his bragging about what a big stud he is.
  • On the night of the Halloween Hop, everything Dennis does while impersonating Acting Principal Costigan, in perfect costume complete with poor Niall dressed as Costigan's wife Trudy.
    Dennis: Fix that hair! Close that mind! Repeat after me! Page me the second the old man croaks it! Now, are you boys ready? A Seabrook boy is always ready. Ready to work. Ready to play. Ready to listen to his teachers, especially the greatest educator of them all, Jesus. As Jesus said to me once, Greg, what's your secret? And I said, Jesus - Study your notes! Get to class! Shave that beard! You show up to your first day on the job dressed like a hippie, of course they're going to crucify you, I don't care whose son you are...
  • When Ruprecht attempts to explain M-theory to his friends, they don't take it as seriously as he does:
    Ruprecht: It's a tricky idea to grasp. By way of illustrating it, try thinking of a very narrow cylinder.
    Victor: A hair.
    Dennis: Mario's dick.
    Mario: Hey!
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    • And Ruprecht still tries to make it work and be serious about it:
    Ruprecht: Okay, to us, the very narrow cylinder of Mario's dick looks like a line, that is to say it looks one-dimensional. But to a very small creature, say an ant, that's walking along Mario's dick, he'll realize that as well as going lengthways he can go in a circular direction too. Even though we might not be able to perceive it, that very small ant is aware that Mario's dick has two dimensions, i.e. girth as well as length.
    Mario: You're damn right it has girth! I don't need an ant to tell me it has girth!
  • Mario in general is just full of these. There's the moment when he pulls out his supposedly "lucky" condom, which he's had in his wallet for three years and never had the opportunity to use. He claims it's his secret weapon for picking up girls and that is never fails, and doesn't seem to get that if it were actually lucky he'd have used it by now. His friends don't miss the opportunity to mock him about his unlucky condom:
    "It was definitely unlucky for the condom, to wind up in your wallet!"
    "It's like the condom Bermuda Triangle!"
    "Condoms tell each other stories about your wallet, 'Oh, he disappeared into Mario Bianchi's wallet, and he was never seen again.'"
    "Yeah, I bet right this very second your lucky condom is in there whistling the theme from The Great Escape and digging a tunnel out of your wallet with a plastic coffee stirrer - "
  • In volume two, Heartland, Ruprecht and Mario have to sneak into the girls' school, St. Brigid's, to find something for Ruprecht's experiment. They end up in the laundry room, which is filled with girls' underwear. The nuns hear them and come to investigate, and the boys are about to escape out the window...when it clicks with Mario just what he's found and instead of going out the window, he dives right into the pile of underwear, making an unintelligible, ecstatic noise.
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    • Even better is how afterward, Mario won't say what exactly almost got them caught, and Ruprecht keeps glaring at him.
  • This exchange:
    Skippy: Would you say "Hi" or "Hey?" If you were talking to a girl.
    Mario: I would say, "Put on your crash helmet, hot stuff, because you are about to have the ride of your life."
    Dennis: I would say, "Please ignore my friend, his parents dropped him on his head when he was a baby, over and over, because they do not love him."
  • Dennis' suggested codename for Operation Condor, the boys' plan to sneak into the Catholic girls' school St. Brigid's as part of Ruprecht's experiment: "Operation Immaculate Penetration."
  • Dennis' interpretation of "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost:
    Dennis: I don't think it's about making choices at all.
    Geoff: What's it about, so?
    Dennis: Anal sex.
    Geoff: Anal sex?
    Mario: How'd'you figure, Dennis?
    Dennis: Well, once you see it, it's pretty obvious. Just look at what he says. He's in a wood, right? He sees two roads in front of him. He takes the one less travelled. What else could it be about?
    Mario: Uh, woods?
    Geoff: Going for a walk?
    Dennis: Don't you listen in class? Poetry's never about what it says it's about, that's the whole point of it. Obviously Mrs. Frost or whoever isn't going to be too happy with him going around telling the world about the time he gave it to her up the bum. So he cleverly disguises it by putting it in a poem which to the untrained eye is just about a boring walk in some gay wood.
    Geoff: But, Dennis, do you really think Mr. Slattery'd be teaching it to us if it was really about anal sex?
    Dennis: What does Mr. Slattery know? You think he's ever taken his wife up the road less travelled?
    Mario: Poh, when have you ever gone up the road less travelled?
    Dennis: Well, there was that magical night with your mother... *Mario takes a swing at him* I tried to stop her! But she was insatiable! Insatiable!
  • While it's brought up in a very serious situation (Skippy is trying to think of something, anything, to do in his and Carl's fight), the image of Skippy alone in his bedroom trying to practice moves from his video game is both funny and adorable.
  • This exchange:
    German Teacher: *giving an example* 'What did you not buy today, Uwe?' 'I did not buy a Schnitzel for my mother.'
    Mario: I've got a Schnitzel for his mother.
    Dennis: Mario, your Schnitzel wouldn't feed a mouse.
  • Mario having fun with his new camera phone:
    Mario: Geoff, here you are again, taking stuff out of your locker. Hey, Dennis, here's you telling me to stop filming you.
    Dennis: God damn it, don't you have any porn on that thing?
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