Funny / Six of Crows

Spoilers are unmarked.

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• A conversation at the beginning:
  Dirix: Go on, give those guns over.
  Jesper: (hands over guns) Take good care of my babies. If I see a single scratch or nick on those, I'll spell forgive me on your chest in bullet holes.
  Dirix: You wouldn't waste the ammo.
  Bolliger: And he'd be dead halfway through forgive.
  Jesper: It's about sending a message. What's the point of a dead guy with forg written on his chest?

• Kaz playing dumb when Van Eck is trying to make him admit that he stole the Dekappel
  Van Eck: There's also the matter of my Dekappel.
  Kaz: I'm sure I dont know what you mean.
  Van Eck: Six months ago, a Dekappel oil worth nearly one hundred thousand kruge disappeared from my home.
  Kaz: Quite a loss.
  Van Eck: It was, especially since I had been assured that by gallery was impenetrable and that the locks on its doors were foolproof.
  Kaz: I do seen to remember reading about that.
  Van Eck: Yes. Pride is a perilous thing. I was eager to show off my acquisition and the lengths I'd gone in order to protect it. And yet, despite all my safeguards, despite dogs and alarms and the most loyal staff in all of Ketterdam, my painting is gone.
  Kaz: My condolences.
  Van Eck: It has yet to surface anywhere on the world market.
  Kaz: Maybe your thief already had a buyer lined up.
  Van Eck: A possibility of course. But I'm inclined to believe that the thief took it for a different reason.
  Kaz: What would that be?
  Van Eck: Just to prove that he could.
  Kaz: Seems like a stupid risk to me.
  Van Eck: Well, who can guess at the motives of thieves.
  Kaz: Not me, certainly.
  • And then Kaz telling Inej to get the painting from under his bed, showing that not only he didn't care enough to sell it, he doesn't care about it so much it's just rolled up, under his bed no less.
  • He also stole Van Eck's tie pin during the conversation.

• Kaz strips and washes in front of Inej, seeming to give no second thought to her presence. Inej doesn't know whether to feel flattered or insulted.
  • She then, annoyed, wonders what Kaz would think if she just started stripping and washing infront of him.
  "He'd probably tell me not to drip on the desk."

• Inej trying to get Kaz to politely ask for a new hat and his (sarcastic) reply:
  "Please, my darling Inej, treasure of my heart, won't you do me the honour of acquiring me a new hat?"

• Nina threatening to make Kaz piss himself and his reply
  Nina: Are you aware that I could wiggle my fingers and make you wet your trousers?
  Kaz: Easy, heartrender. I like these trousers.

• Kaz cracks a your mom joke during a prison break
  "I had a question. About your mother, and whether the rumours are true."

• When Jesper releases the animals that they were using as a distraction on time and Kaz says that he was early.
  Kaz: Jesper was supposed to wait until three bells.
  Inej: It is three bells, Kaz.
  Kaz: (complaining) Since when is Jesper punctual?
  • Kaz then talking about this with Jesper
  Kaz: You were early, Jesper.
  Jesper: I was on time!
  Kaz: For you, that's early. Next time you plan to impress me, give me some warning.

• Jesper asking for thanks in his role in the prison break after the above
  Jesper: The animals are out, and I found you a boat. This is when a thank you would be in order.
  Nina: Thank you, Jesper.
  Jesper: You're very welcome, gorgeous. See, Kaz? That's how the civilized folk do.

• What Kaz says when introducing Jesper to Matthias
  "Jesper Fahey is our sharpshooter, Zemeni-born but try not to hold it against him."

• Kaz saying that Wylan is the best demo man in the Barrel and Inej immediately disputing.
  Kaz: This is Wylan, best demolitions expert in the Barrel.
  Inej: Raske is better.

• Mark
  Kaz: Always hit where the mark isn't looking.
  Wylan: Who's mark?

• The crows on how to steal a wallet
  Kaz: (leans back) What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?
  Inej: Knife to the throat?
  Jesper: Gun to back?
  Nina: Poison in his cup?
  Matthias: You're all horrible.

• Kaz performs a few magic tricks and in return Matthias calls him a demon.

• Inej deciding that Kaz owes her an apology and that she won't board the boat without one because he owes her his best imitation of a human being.

• Kaz gives Jesper the middle finger.

• This exchange:
  Jesper: If Pekka Rollins kills us all, I'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.
  Kaz: I'll just hire Matthias' ghost to kick your ghost's ass.
  Matthias: My ghost won't associate with your ghost.

• Kaz and Jesper's conversation about burning money
  Kaz: When we get our money, you can burn kruge to keep you warm. Let's go.
  Jesper: I'm going to pay someone to burn my kruge for me.
  Kaz: Why don't you pay someone else to pay someone to burn your kruge for you? That's what the big players do.
  Jesper: Do you know what the really big bosses do? They pay someone to pay someone to....

• Jesper mentally kicking himself for not paying attention to a naked Kaz.

• This exchange between Kaz and Matthias as Jesper was fabrikating lockpicks
  Matthias: What is he doing?
  Kaz: Performing an ancient Zemini ritual.
  Matthias: Really?
  Kaz: No.

Kaz impatiently interrupting a tense conversation where Jesper is explaining to Wylan why he hides that he's grisha (whilst also flirting with him), with Matthias (who is a drüskelle) right there after fabrikating a lockpick.

Matthias: (grimly) You're a fabrikator.

Jesper: Just barely.

Wylan: You either are or you aren't.

Jesper: I am. (jabs finger at Wylan) And you're going to keep your mouth shut about it when we get back to Ketterdam.

Wylan: But why would you lie about-

Jesper: I like walking the streets free. I like not worrying about being snatched up by a slaver or put to death by some skiv like our friend Helvar here. Besides, I have other skills that bring me more pleasure and profit than this. Lots of other skills.

Wylan: (coughs)

Wylan: ... Does Nina know you're grisha?

Jesper: No, and she's not finding out. I don't need lectures about joining the Second Army and the glorious Ravkan cause.

Kaz: (interrupting impatiently) Do it again. And hurry.

• What Jesper says to Matthias when Matthias looks surprised that he can lift heavy ropes.
  Jesper: Grew up on a farm.
  Matthias: You don't look it.
  Jesper: Sure, I'm skinny, but I stay drier in the rain.
  Matthias: How?
  Jesper: Less falls on me.

• When Matthias wonders if everyone else Kaz associates with are as strange as the crows
  Matthias: Are all of Kaz's associates as strange as this crew?
  Jesper: Oh, you should meet the rest of the Dregs. They make us look like Fjerdans.

• The boys talking about the Djel wellspring
  Kaz: (musing) The wellspring. Where all sins are washed clean.
  Wylan: Or where they drown you and make you confess.
  Jesper: (snorts) Wylan, your thoughts have taken a very dark turn. I fear the Dregs may be a bad influence.

• When Kaz was looking for the passage across the ice moat
  Kaz: How do we cross? I don't see anything.
  Matthias: Because you are not worthy.
  Kaz: I'm also not near sighted. There's nothing there.

• Matthias wanting to shove Kaz into the moat
  Matthias: We go from aspirant to novice drüskelle in the ceremony at the sacred ash.
  Kaz: Where the tree talks to you.
  Matthias: (resisting the urge to shove Kaz into the ice moat) Where we hope to hear the voice of Djel.

• Kaz's two comments on drüskelle initiation
  • One about upping the standards of initiation in his own gang.
  Kaz: All this to be a witch hunter? The Dregs need a better initiation.
  • And the second another crack at Matthias' religion
  Matthias: This is only one part of Hringkälla.
  Kaz: Yes, I know, then a tree tells you the secret handshake.

• Matthias makes a quip at Kaz for being cold, and Kaz replies in his usual sarcastic fashion
  Matthias: Chilly, Brekker?
  Kaz: If only we had time for a swim. Get moving.

• Matthias saying that there isn't anything sacred in Kaz's life
  Matthias: I feel sorry for you, Brekker. There is nothing sacred in your life.

• Matthias is still completely and unshakeablely convinced that Kaz is a demon.
  Matthias: And the magic tricks?
  Kaz: (snorts) So you don't think I'm a demon anymore?
  Matthias: I know you're a demon, but your tricks are human.

• Wylan sings the Fjerdan national anthem to distract some guards.

• Wylan and Jesper on killing unconscious men
  Wylan: (gesturing to the guards) Is it safe to leave them, you know-
  Jesper: Alive? I'm not big on killing unconscious men.
  Wylan: We could wake them up.

• This quote:
  "No dust anywhere. Tidy Fjerdans."

• Nina's internal narration about Fjerdan religion whilst talking to Jarl Brum
  "Sure, a giant, gushing spring chose some guy to hunt innocent people down and murder them. That seems likely."
  "Djel says you're a fanatic, drunk on your own power. Come back next year."

• Nina's thoughts when Jarl Brum is teasing her
  Jarl Brum: Such an inquisitive little thing.
  Nina: (internally) I'm nearly as tall as you.

• Kaz says that Matthias stinks of decency.
  • The first time when Matthias did not shoot him despite Kaz being unarmed
  Matthias: How did you know I wouldn't shoot?
  Kaz: Because, Matthias, you stink of decency.
  Matthias: You're mad.
  • And the second when he goes to save Nina
  Matthias: Brum knows, we have to help her.
  Kaz: Be smart, Helvar. You can save her and get us Yul-Bayur, too.
  Matthias: (nods)
  Kaz: (mutters) Decency. Like cheap cologne.

• Kaz worrying about whether he misjudged Matthias
  "They're in trouble. Or you were dead wrong about Matthias, and you're about to pay for all those talking tree jokes."

• This thought from Kaz after the lab blew up
  "They blew up the lab. I definitely did not tell them to blow up the lab."

• Another zinger from Kaz as he is dragged by a strong current under water
  "Fortunate people didn't end up racing ass over tea kettle beneath an ice moat through hostile territory."

• Inej, Jesper, and Wylan (three teenagers) steal a Fjerdan tank from the middle of the Ice Court.

• Jesper saying "Oh, hello darling" (happily) to the tank.

• Inej and Jesper's two contrasting reactions to the tank
  Inej: (cried out) That noise!
  Jesper: (cackling) That engine!

• The tank Inej, Jesper, and Wylan stole drags a banner that reads "Fjerdan Might" behind them, as they escape (Wylan, especially, finds this deeply hilarious).

• Matthias going "I. Should. Let. You. Die." in time with his compressions as he gives Kaz CPR.

• Nina's thoughts as she tries to resuscitate Kaz
  "Come on you rotten Barrel thug. You've fought your way out of tougher scrapes."

• Matthias and Nina trying to get Kaz to remember what's going on after he regains consciousness
  Matthias: You're in shock, demjin. You almost drowned. You should have drowned.
  Kaz: (coughs, then his entire body shudders) Drowned.
  Nina: (nods) Ice Court, remember? Impossible heist? Near death? Three million kruge waiting for you in Ketterdam?
  Kaz: (blinks, vision clearing) Four million.
  Nina: I thought that might bring you around.

• Kaz and Matthias on miracles
  Kaz: (in wonder) We made it. Djel performs miracles.
  Matthias: (scowling) You don't deserve miracles.

• What Nina says when Kaz doesn't thank them for resuscitating him
  Nina: (throws up hands) "You're welcome, you ungrateful wretch."

• Kaz's first remark about Kuwei
  "You can explain why our illustrious Shu scientist looks like one of Wylan's school pals along the way."

• Kuwei and Nina talking about Kaz
  Kuwei: (skeptical) He's a friend?
  Nina: On occasion.

• When Inej, Jesper, and Wylan roll up in the Fjerdan tank
  Nina: Saints, Kaz, you actually look happy.
  Kaz: (snaps out) Don't be ridiculous.
  But there was no mistaking it. Kaz Brekker was grinning like an idiot.

• Nina calling Kaz creepy
  Nina: (marvelling) We have a tank. Kaz, you creepy little genius, the plan worked. You got us a tank.

• This conversation right before the bridge to the Ice Court is destroyed.
  Kaz: (correcting Nina) They got us a tank
  Matthias: We have one. (points at army of tanks bearing down on them) They have a lot more.
  Kaz: Yeah, but you know what they don't have? A bridge.
  Jesper: [fires cannon]

• The image that Nina imagines of the crows on the tank roaring through a Fjerdan town
  "As they roared past the street lamps, people emerged from their houses to see what was happening. Nina tried to imagine what their wild crew must look like to these Fjerdans. What did they see as they poked their heads out of windows and doorways? A group of hooting kids clinging to a tank painted with the Fjerdan flag and charging along like some deranged float gone astray from its parade; a girl in purple silk and a boy with red-gold curls poking out from behind the guns; four soaked people holding tight to the sides for dear life - a Shu boy in prison clothes, two bedraggled drüskelle, and Nina, a half naked girl in shreds of teal chiffon shouting, 'We have a moat!'"

• Jesper's remark when the crows are surrounded (and Kaz's reply)
  Jesper: Kaz? This would be a really good time to say you saw this coming.
  Kaz: I didn't see this coming.

• Jesper talking about friends for Wylan
  Inej: I've had my fill of captivity. They won't take me alive.
  Wylan: Me neither.
  Jesper: (snorts) We really need to get him more suitable friends.

• Nina renders Jarl Brum bald.

• Inej and Nina talking about Nina becoming the new bogeyman
  Inej: I didn't think you'd let those men live, back at the harbour.
  Nina: I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. I'll become one more Grisha horror story for them to tell their children.
  Inej: Behave or Nina Zenik will get you?
  Nina: (considers) Well, I do like the sound of that.

• This exchange of insults between Nina and Matthias (although the context is sad)
  Matthias: We'll set fire to raisins or whatever you heathens do for fun.
  Nina: Zealot.
  Matthias: Witch.
  Nina: Barbarian.

• Kaz and Jesper on the congratulation from the merchant council (after all, they are criminals being congratulated by the government)
  Kaz: Look at that.
  Kaz: (holds out the message from the merchant council for Jesper to read. Behind the details of the meet it says "Congratulations. Your country thanks you")
  Jesper: (laughs) As long as my country pays cash.

• When Kaz replies to Van Eck on Vellgelluk about Van Eck sending two teams to the Ice Court
  "Thirty million kruge will soothe my hurt feelings."

• What Kaz says to Van Eck before turning to leave
  "Well, Van Eck. I'd like to say it's been a pleasure, but I'm not that good a liar. We'll take our leave."

• Kaz picks Pekka Rollins' pocket.

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• Nina feels sick from eating oysters but still eats more, despite looking green.

• This complaint from Kaz
  "Nina is fine. Jesper is fine. Everyone is fine, except for me because I'm stuck with a gang of hand wringing nurse maids."

• Matthias wants to kill Kaz. Again.
  "Wylan shrugged apologetically at Matthias, who looked like he was considering dashing Kaz's skull against a wall."

• Kaz's disappointment that people aren't like dogs, and him stopping in the middle of a job to pet a dog.
  "'Now why can't people be this easily trained?' Kaz murmured as he crouched to oblige the dog with a belly rub."

• Kaz pretends to be the bogeyman. Okay, he terrifies a little girl, but it was still humourous, in dark way.

• Kaz telling Kuwei to stay in the tomb
  Kaz: (pointing his cane at Kuwei) What did I tell you?
  Kuwei: (protesting) My Kerch isn't very good.
  Kaz: Don't run games on me, kid. It's good enough. Stay in the tomb.
  Kuwei: (glumly) Stay in the tomb.

• Jesper acting as a Kaz translator for Kuwei
  • The first time when Kaz asks Kuwei to rethink his priorities
  Kuwei: I have other interests.
  Kaz: (black gaze pinning Kuwei like the tip of a dagger) I suggest rethinking your priorities.
  Jesper: (gives Kuwei a nudge) That's Kaz's way of saying, 'Help Wylan or I'll seal you up in one of these tombs and see how that suits your interests.'
  • The second when Kaz just stares at Kuwei when Kuwei says he want to go to Ravka
  Kuwei: I would prefer to go to Ravka.
  Kaz: (fastens his flat black gaze on Kuwei and holds it on him)
  Kuwei: (squirms nervously) Why is he looking at me this way?
  Jesper: Kaz is wondering if he should keep you alive. Terrible for the nerves. I recommend deep breathing. Maybe a tonic.

• The other names of money
  "Kruge? Scrub? Kaz's one true love?"

• After Wylan tells Kaz that his father doesn't have 30 million kruge for them to take.
  Jesper: You should leave, then. We only associate with the disgraced heirs of the very finest fortunes.

• Jesper being eager to commit crimes, Wylan being the opposite, and Matthias being glad that Wylan is reluctant to commit crimes.
  "'So then how do we get the money? Rob the city? Rob the Council?' Jesper say up straighter, hands drumming eagerly on the table. 'Hit twelve vaults in one night?'
  Wylan shifted in his chair, and Matthias saw the disquiet in his expression. At least someone else in this band of miscreants was reluctant to keep committing crimes."

• When people start asking for stuff they want and Jesper joins in
  Kuwei: I would prefer to go to Ravka
  Jesper: I'd prefer a pair of sable-lined swimming trunks. But we can't always get what we want.
  • Jesper's statement surpassed Kuwei's limits of understanding Kerch.

• When Jesper promises that Kaz will not kill Kuwei
  Jesper: (pats Kuwei's hand) We're not going to let him put you in the ground.
  Kaz: (raises a brow) Let's not make any promises just yet.
  Jesper: Come on, Kaz. We didn't go to all that trouble to save Kuwei just to make him worm food.

• When Jesper points a gun at someone to force them to help and his father is shocked.
  Jesper: Don't worry, Da. People point guns at each other all the time in Ketterdam. It's basically a handshake.

• What Wylan says when Jesper talks to a girl he had stood up
  Jesper: (to the girl he was supposed to have gone on a date with) If I live I'll by you waffles!
  Wylan: You don't have enough money to buy her waffles.
  Jesper: Be quiet. We're in a library.

• When they're escaping through a passage in the library:
  Wylan: It was built as a way for professors to get from the library to their homes without having to deal with angry students.
  Jesper's Father: Angry? Do all the students have guns?
  Wylan: No, but there's a long-standing tradition of rioting over grades.

• Kaz sends a letter to Van Eck for a hostage exchange. It's pinned down by Van Eck's ruby. He'd stolen it a while back.

• Wylan's corruption
  Wylan: Always hit where the mark isn’t looking.
  Jesper: Sweet Ghezen. You've been thoroughly corrupted.

• Van Ecks problems as listed by the crows
  Kaz: (taps his cane on the floor) Do you know what Van Eck’s problem is?
  Matthias: No honor?
  Nina: Rotten parenting skills?
  Jesper: Receding hairline?

• Kaz on pregnancy
  "Getting pregnant isn't actually a special talent."

• This exchange between Kaz and Alys
  Alys: Do you think he's handsome?
  Kaz: ...What?
  Alys: Something has happened to Jan’s nose.
  Kaz: I suspect he caught a bad case of the Wraith.
  Alys: I think Jan would be handsome, if he were not quite so old.
  Kaz: Lucky for you, we live in a world where men can make up for being old by being rich.
  Alys: It would be nice if he were both young and rich.
  Kaz: Why stop there? How about young, rich, and royal? Why settle for a merch when you could have a prince?
  Alys: I suppose. But it’s the money that’s important. I’ve never really seen the point in princes.
  Kaz: Alys, I’m shocked to find you and I are in agreement.

• The options on where the money went (and Matthias' corruption)
  Kaz: Where do you think the money went?
  Jesper: Guns?
  Inej: Ships?
  Wylan: Bombs?
  Nina: Political bribes?
  The Crows: (All turn to look at Matthias)
  Nina: (whispering) This is where you tell us how awful we are.
  Matthias: (shrugs) They all seem like practical choices.

• Kaz saying where the money actually went and Jesper misunderstanding it as an order
  Kaz: Sugar.
  Jesper: (nudges the sugar bowl down the table towards Kaz)
  Kaz: (rolls his eyes) Not for my coffee you podge.

• Jesper's "just like you" comments
  • One to Wylan (which makes Wylan blush)
  "It's brilliant. (winks) Just like you."
  • One to Inej (which makes Inej laugh)
  "Tiny and ferocious. (winks again) Just like you."

• Jesper's reply when Kaz asks if they all want to beat Van Eck
  "Around the ears with Wylan's flute."

• Kaz takes Per Haskell's gun and takes out the bullets without Haskell noticing.
  Kaz: You may want these. (holds out his hand, with six bullets in his palm) In case of a tussle.

• Inej tricks Kaz into climbing a roof despite not having to, and makes him walk back to the gondel whilst she scouts out Van Eck's house (but he's smiling as he does so).

• Matthias' innocence when faced by the story of the Princess and the Barbarian
  Nina: She wanted to know if you'd like to play the Princess and the Barbarian.
  Matthias: It's a game?
  Nina: Not exactly.
  Matthias: Then what is it?
  Nina: In Ravka, there's a popular series of stories about, um, a brave Fjerdan warrior-
  Matthias: Really? He's the hero?
  Nina: In a manner of speaking. He kidnaps a Ravkan princess-
  Matthias: That would never happen.
  Nina: In the story it does and- (clears her throat) they spend a long time getting to know each other. In his cave.
  Matthias: Hs lives in a cave?
  Nina: It's a very nice cave. Furs. Jewelled cups. Mead.
  Matthias: Ah. (said approvingly) A treasure hoarder like Angsar the Mighty. They become allies then?
  Nina: (tries to change the subject)
  Matthias: How does the story end? Do they fight battles?
  Nina: (in defeat) They get to know each other intimately.
  Matthias: (jaw drops)

• Nina saying that flowers would make Kaz look more lively
  "Maybe we could get Kaz something with flowers. Liven up his look."

• What Jesper says when Wylan calls himself a moron
  Jesper: If I ever hear you call yourself a moron again, I'll tell Matthias you tried to kiss Nina. With tongue.
  Wylan: He'll never believe it.
  Jesper: Then I'll tell Nina you tried to kiss Matthias. With tongue.

• When Jesper tries to cheer Wylan up by saying that Kaz will exact revenge on Van Eck
  Jesper: This happened because your father is a lunatic dressed up in a quality suit.
  Wylan: That's all true, and none of it makes me feel any better.
  Jesper: Well how about this? Kaz is going to tear your father's damn life apart.
  Wylan: (after thinking about it for a minute) Actually, that helps a lot.

• Righteous comeuppance as seen by Jesper
  "I love a little righteous comeuppance. Jogs the liver!"

• What Matthias says when Nina feels horrible getting chastened by Zoya
  Nina: Why do I feel like finding a corner to sob in?
  Matthias: This is a round room. There are no corners.