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If The Emperor Had a Text To Speech Device is possibly one of the most hilarious interpretations of the Grim Dark universe that is Warhammer 40.000.

Spoilers Off on moments pages.


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Main Episodes

    Episode 1: Adorable Centurion 
  • The Emperor weighs in on Roboute Guilliman and the Ultramarines.
    The Emperor: Cut his life supports and tell that stupid fucking smurf village to fuck right off.
  • The Emperor's reaction to the Dreadknight and the achievements of Kaldor Draigo is quite a sight for sore eyes.
    The Emperor: For the love of all stop signs in the galaxy. Cease. And. Fucking. Desist.
  • His reaction to the Centurion:
    The Emperor: What in the fuck. That is actually very cute. Look at its little legs and over-sized body. Adorable. Come to Papa, you.
    Dreadknight: What? Wait! No! DON'T! (the Centurion jumps on him) UEEEERGH!
    The Emperor: Yes. This is funny to me.
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    Episode 2: Religiosity 
  • Upon learning that the Imperium had been turned to a religion in his name, the Emperor becomes so furious that he loses control of his voice and begins psychically smacking Himself on the side of the head.

    Episode 3: The Age of Apostasy 

    Episode 4: The Inquisition 
  • The Emperor is rather insistent that Kitten fill him in on the Inquisition, One explanation later, a whistling teakettle is heard as the Emperor craps out yet at least five warp storms in his fury.
    Soldier: Why are there so many warp storms?!
  • Kitten brings up a time the Space Wolves and Grey Knights worked together. The Emperor wastes no time in tearing into them again.
    The Emperor: Now you're bringing up those fucking Grey Knights again, with that stupid-ass baby carrier Dreadknight thing. My inexistent eyes are still sore from seeing that abomination.
  • Every time Kitten points out one of the high points of the Inquisition's work the Emperor always cuts it off with the same question which inevitably turns those high points into yet more atrocities. The question?
    The Emperor: And then whot?

    Episode 5: Malcador the Hero 
  • The episode starts on a somber note, as the Emperor flashbacks to Malcador's death. Cut back to the present... where Kitten is poking at the unresponsive Emperor with his halberd, accompanied by squeaky-toy noises.

    Episode 6: High Lords of Terra 
  • The High Lords of Terra? You know, the people who are responsible for running the Imperium on a daily basis? They're a bunch of senile old weirdos who consider the discussion of the banning of laxatives for everyone but themselves. Let's go down the roster of the High Lords of Terra, shall we?
    • The Master of the Administratum is arguably the most alarming of the four, throwing out ideas for laws that are mostly petty if not outright pointless, largely self-serving, and only add to the already disgustingly long Book of Judgement. More terrifying still he's either blissfully ignorant to that fact or just doesn't care.
    • The Grand Provost Marshal is the most senile of the four, is so obsessed with the law that he makes regular use of Judge Dredd's "I AM THE LAW!" catchphrase, and by is own admission later in the series making new laws is his favorite thing which doesn't go down well when you have someone like the Master of the Administratum throwing out bad ideas left and right.
    • The Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard is relatively lucid compared to the Grand Provost Marshal or the Master of the Administratum, but for all the wrong reasons. He knows that he needs to keep the top military officials of the Imperial Guard functioning and capable of doing their job, but sees your base level guardsman as little more than the lasguns they carry.
    • The Fabricator General of Mars isn't so much senile as he is detached from reality. Everything he says comes out as a little tune. Shares the Adeptus Mechanicus' obsession with technology and habit of constantly saying that people should replace their flesh withe mechanical parts, but is dialed up to 11. He thinks the discussion is stupid and everyone should just have their rectums replaced with servo skulls.
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    Episode 7: Fabulous Custodes 
  • The Emperor wants to meet some of his Companions, his personal bodyguards, some of this closest confidants, his favorite soldiers in the galaxy, who he hasn't seen for nine thousand years. He's not impressed when his caretaker explains that they haven't done much since then but hang around the palace, even though the Emperor gave them some of the best equipment available.
    The Custodes: Yehehehah about that, my lord... most of us Custodes have not only sworn an oath to never leave Terra and your presence after the Horus Heresy, but have also redefined the use of our wargear and armour as to show that we're mourning for your loss. It's quite hard to explain, but, ummm...
    (long, awkward silence)
    The Emperor: ...Bring in some of the Custodes here. Some of my Companions, to be exact. Do it now.
    The Custodes: A-are you sure?
    The Emperor: Do. It. Now.
    The Custodes: Very well just a moment my lord! (rushes off)
  • Cue "Awaken" and the grand debut of the "Fabulous Custodes," a trio of Stripperiffic Macho Camp Yes Men dressed as the Pillar Men.
    The Custodes: Sorry...
    The Emperor: Holy shit. What in the name of Terra on fucking roller skates is this?
    Karstodes: Mmm, mmm, mmm! My GLORIOUS overlord! The Emperor of Mankind! I am honoured to be in your presence once more...
    Custodisi: It has truly been too long, my lord.
    Whammudes: My oiled abs quiver at your voice!
    The Emperor: So this is how you mourn the death of me, huh?
    The Custodes: I just want you to know, my lord, that this was not my idea-
    Karstodes: You! We don't see you much around anymore, brother. What was your name again?
    The Custodes: My name is-
    Custodisi: Didn't we used to call him "little kitten" before he was elected as the Emperor's own personal caretaker?
    Whammudes: Ohhhh my. I remember that little bottom anywhere. (aroused snickering)
    Karstodes: Heheheh, I remember now. Little Kitten, the elected one, purring his way so far into our ranks. You weren't ever useful for anything other than sweet talk, were you? Speaking of which... my glorious overlord!
    The Emperor: This shit is so surreal. Am I on drugs?
  • The Emperor is outraged that his best soldiers can't even remember the last time they killed something, and wonders what exactly they do - "stand around and fap in the palace?"
    Whammudes: Only on Thursdays...
  • The episode's description completes the funny: "Yes, this is canon. Thank you Rogue Trader." Back in the every first edition of 40k, there was indeed a piece of fluff (and art!) explaining that the Custodes had given up the use of their armor in shame for failing to protect the Emperor. Though later depictions of the Custodes such as The Beast Arises storyline show them in full armor, nothing so far has retconned the Custodes ditching their armor in the period immediately after the Emperor's fall, meaning that it is still canon that at one point the Custodes went about with nothing on between their belts and helmets.
    • On a more meta note, the Fabstodes have become such a hilarious meme that nearly every wiki and other source dealing with the Custodes has to stop to make a point that yes, the current era of Custodes are wearing their armor.
      • This fact finally got addressed in episode 27 - see below.

    Episode 8: Tyranids 
  • The Emperor's inistence on calling Marneus Calgar Papa Smurf:
    Kitten: ...What the fuck is a "smurf" anyway?
  • The Emperor's reaction to the evacutation of Marneus Calgar resulting the death of the Honour Guard of the 1st Company of the Ultramarines:
    Emperor: So, this guy could not even fight an overgrown fucking Bug Gargamel and ended up force feeding his bodyguards to it.
  • The Emperor's reaction to the Ultramarines' final battle against Hive Fleet Behemoth, where an Emperor-Class Battleship was unnecessarily lost in the Warp for minions of Chaos to find.
    Emperor: I am sorry. I am just ABSOLUTELY LIVID at the moment.
  • The Emperor discusses the problems with dumping an Emperor-Class battleship into the Warp.
    The Emperor: So this asshole Papa Smurf instead of just calling back his fleets to a more advantageous position in, y'know, fucking space, let one of those warships be lost forever in the warp for some depraved minion of Chaos to find and diddle around with?
    (meanwhile in the Warp)
    Dark Mechanicus: (looking at the battleship) THIS IS GETTING ME HARDER THAN TERMINATOR ARMOR!~

    Episode 9: Necrons 
  • Cypher the infamous Fallen and most wanted man by the Dark Angels has a squeaky voice and is the reason he doesn't spend much time with people.
  • The Fabricator General apperently can't say the word "buttcheeks" without malfunctioning and then self-destructing. Yet he shows right back up a few minutes later and no one comments.
  • Also Karamazov's comment regarding Decius' hat to be the shape of a penis. Cue laughing from the High Lords.
    Karamazov: Hmph! Well, your hat looks like a penis.
    Old men laughter.
  • The Emperor is skeptical about the Astral Knights, upset that yet another legion was around that he didn't create... until he hears the full details of their exploits, belatedly claiming that they were one of the "secret legions" he'd created prior to the Grand Crusade and didn't tell anyone about.

    Episode 10: Bold and Foolish 
  • We start with a singing parody of Les Misérables (2012), which ends when "Javert" is knocked unconscious by a trio of Inquisitors. The Valjean expy doesn't even comment on it, he just runs away.
  • Kitten tries to jump like the rest of the Custodes... only to fall flat on his face.
    Kitten: I'm fucking done.

    Episode 11: Intervention 
  • The off-screen telepathic conversation between Kitten and the Emperor. It sounds less like a psychic communion between powers like unto a demigod and god about matters of galactic import, and more like a cell phone conversation between a guy and his father.
  • Karamazov mocking Kitten for his threats to kill him for his refusal to obey the Emperor's orders, only to be rapidly turned around when Kitten, the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes, summons all of them to surround Karamazov.
    Karamazov: What in the Eldar's sparkly shit are you talking about?! ("Awaken" begins playing and dozens of Adeptus Custodes surround his throne) Oh. That's what you are talking about....
  • Dominique's reaction to the Custodes.
    Dominique: Hey, Fyodor, we're surrounded again! And this time by loads of half-naked men! It's like a ruddy ocean of bare nipples and bulging muscles. It's making me moist.
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    Episode 12: Primarch Pessimism 
  • When The Emperor states he knows exactly who to blame for the itching of his nonexistent nose the scene cuts away to the Chaos Gods have a little chat.
    Slaneesh: OOOOH! All this excitement and torment is getting me SO DAMN HORNY! Anyone of you, please, ram this chainaxe deep inside me and rev it as hard as you can!
    Khorne: (off-screen) Who in the everloving MOTHERFUCKING COCKBISCUITS STOLE MY CHAINAXE!?!
  • When the Emperor describes how awful it is being stuck on the Golden Throne, and how much his nose itches, Kitten decides to change the subject.
    Emperor: Do it fucking fast. I'm feeling a giant warp storm incoming.
    Kitten: Iiiiih...uuuuhhh...so how about those traitor legions, huh?!
    Emperor: SERIOUSLY. YEAH, THANKS FOR REMINDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEE—
    Kitten: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
  • After the Emperor calms down, he and Kitten discuss the flaws of all his sons (except Sanguinius, the Emperor's golden hawk-boy), leading Kitten to some Fridge Logic about the Horus Heresy.
    Kitten: I have to ask, since it's apparently my duty nowadays - why did you not tell them what you were going to do back on Terra?
    Emperor: Well what was I supposed to say? I can't just tell my own children that I am building a gate into the webway because I need some booty and Eldar prostitutes are cheaper and a lot less shoddy.
    Kitten: I'm sorry WHAT?!
    Emperor: I said, I can't just tell my own children that I am building a gate into the webway because Humanity needs some booting up in its transportation department and Eldar webways are safer, and a lot less shoddy than warp travel.

    Episode 12.5: Awful Answers 
  • The episode opens with a short speech with the Emperor, expressing his grief, sorrow, and despair at being able to do nothing but watch as Mankind deteriorated over thousands of years. The speech itself is genuinely sad and is likely very accurate to how the Emperor would feel if he were to miraculously awaken in Warhammer 40,000 canon. However, this show being what it is this speech takes a rather humorous turn at the end.
    The Emperor: I am the Emperor. For millenia I have stridden across life carefully watching as the seed of what is to come has risen from its earthly barrows into the starlit sky. This seed, known as Mankind, I have existed along from the time of my birth. I let the seed grow, I nurtured it, did my best to have it remain healthy and secure. But, as it kept on growing, I could not keep up. I could not come with it, but could only watch from afar as its health deteriorated and vegetation grew bleak. As I entered into the realm of the half-life the only thing I could experience was despair. My work that I had driven to construct for such a long time had been obliterated in but a mere moment. Mankind, my once pure seed, had fallen into the hands of sheer, corrosive, and preposterous prudence. And at no other time has this been displayed as intensely as this very moment. Because holy fucking shit these questions are the worst fucking shit I have ever read what ever became of mankind?
  • The Emperor keeps either complaining or snarking about the quality of the questions addressed to him and the intelligence of their senders. At one point though, when the next asker is told to be a chaplain, he finds himself raising his hopes for his question. However, when said question turns out to be: "Why can't we all just be friends and stop fighting?"...
    (Record Needle Scratch)
    The Emperor: How could this happen to meee!
    I made my mistaaaakes!
    Got nowhere to ruuuun...
    The night goes on as I'm fading awaaaaaaay!
    I'm sick of this liiiiife.
    I just wanna screeeeeeaaaaaaammmmm
    How could this happen to me...
  • When "HERETIC" from World "REDACTED" asks if the Emperor didn't strike Horus down because he had "sexually confused feelings" for the Primarch, the Emperor responds thusly:
    The Emperor: I am deeply disgusted by you and hope you explode. In fact." *Distant explosion is heard*
  • Another letter asks the Emperor if he thinks love can bloom on the battlefield, and specifically asks for the Emperor's blessing for a relationship between a human and an eldar (a reference to /tg's Crack Pairing between a Vindicare Assassin and a Farseer). The Emperor explains that the eldar view humans the same way humans view apes, as primitive creatures using only the simplest of tools, so this eldar chick is effectively into bestiality, and will probably get all sorts of horrible space STDs to bring back to her home craftworld and kill half its population. "So yes, you have my blessing."
  • The first question. Namely, WHY KHORNE LOVES PONIES?
  • The reveal that the Continuity Snarl surrounding exactly who stood between Horus and the Emperor on the Vengeful Spirit was due to Ollanius Pius sacrificing himself... followed by a Terminator and then a Custodes who couldn't bear being upstaged by a mere mortal. And Kitten apparently convinced the Custodes to do it.
  • Even Kitten starts losing his faith in humanity after a particular question: If the Emperor can still poop.
    Kitten: ...I fucking hate this Imperium...
    • Even later on...
      Kitten: Sometimes I question why I fight for humanity...

    Episode 13: The Fifteenth Son 
  • From Magnus' flashback: "There's still time to warn him! I could save everyone... If there wasn't a fucking WALL IN THE WAY!"
  • Magnus celebrating after taking down the psychic wall around Terra.
    Magnus: I am the mightiest psyker in the galaxy! I am the STRONGEST! SUCK IT, LEMAN, YOU FURRY FUCK!"
  • Magnus even manages to make his entrance hilarious.
    Magnus: NO PATHETIC BOX CAN HOLD ME LIKE THIS!!! *Panting furiously* Where...where are those Ultramarines...? By Tzeentch I will boil you disdainful loyalists in your own armors...
    Emperor: Wow! The Ultramarines succeeded in bringing Magnus here after all. That is absolutely fucking hilarious.
    Magnus: ...Father? Father...!? THE CORPSE EMPEROR?! MY FATHER?!
    Emperor: Yes, yes. Stop yelling so fucking loudly, you daemonic good-for-nothing bookbanger.

    Episode 14: Greatest of Psykers 

    Episode 15: Tau 
  • How does the Emperor get Kitten to talk about it when the latter proves reluctant? By threatening to have Kitten be the target be the target in the next "Seek-and-Destroy" mission in the next Blood Games, implying that the destruction would be a bit more literal.
    Kitten: I thought you were supposed to be charismatic when persuading people to obey you!
    The Emperor: I am. Because I know you secretly like this.
    Kitten: OKAY! We are stopping right here! The guardsmen just dropped dead, time to make a 180 and drastically change the subject!
  • Kitten uncharacteristically flipping his shit over the Tau and acting utterly dismissive of the entire race.
    The Emperor: I am genuinely sickened when you put it in these contexts. I hope all this repressed anger isn't from some pseudo weird first-hand experience.
    Kitten: I'd rather not say.
  • Magnus interrupts to play Devil's Advocate, saying that The Emperor shouldn't be brainwashed by Kitten... only to then ask if The Emperor's brain even exists at this point. The Emperor doesn't know either.
  • Magnus throws a particularly good insult at Kitten when he interrupts his attempts to turn the Emperor on the Tau. The Emperor of course, encourages this.
    Magnus: For looking like a yellow submarine there seems to be a distinctive lack of intelligent life living inside your head.
    The Emperor: That's fucking hilarious.
  • Kitten caps his hatred of the Tau off quite well at the end, while getting Magnus back for his earlier insult. Again, the Emperor encourages this.
    Kitten: My lord! I will PERSONALLY take my halberd and go on a crusade to the Tau worlds myself and I will shove it down the throats of every single one of their PATHETIC. FUCKING. HIDES!!! DROWNING THEM IN THEIR OWN BLOOD FOR YOUR GLORY, MY LORD!!!
    Magnus: Father...Are you really sure this reasoning is um...sound?
    Kitten: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU TUBE OF DISCOUNTED KETCHUP!!!
    The Emperor: That's one-to-one so far. Keep it up.
    Kitten: *Proudly* I learned from the best!
    The Emperor: Damn straight.
    • Hell, the fact that Kitten is literally bouncing with excitement and anger after his impassioned speech is hilarious. His accent also gets thicker as his agitation grows.
  • A rather lengthy, and hillarious, callback to Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann. Except, of course, much more course. Also, its hilarious to hear a floating cyborg with a drill for one arm say "injecting copious amounts of drugs".
  • Dominique introducing all the Inquisition's Ordos (along with some completely made up ones like the Ordo Originalcharacterus) with the help of crappily made MS Paint Pictures.

    Episode 16: Universal History with Professor Emperor 
  • The Emperor relays the story of the universe's creation to the Custodes and Magnus, with the order that once he's finished, they publish the story and give it to absolutely everyone of authority and make sure they read and understand it, even if he has to literally cram it down their throats.
    No spambox filter shall stop my glorious wisdom this time.
  • To say nothing of the ending which calls back to the Teaser Kitten Gasping.
  • The episode starts with Magnus using his psychic powers to play a didgeridoo.
    • Magnus almost didn't visit the Emperor with Kitten, citing his desire to practice for a "Talent Show" being held by the other Custodes. Kitten sets him right.
      Kitten: Unless you want soggy hair and stained armour for a week I would highly recommend you drop that.
      Magnus: Why should I- (the ball drops) OH.
    • Kitten commenting that the Thousand Sons and the Necrons are starting to share a lot of design elements now, prompting Magnus to mention that he's already sent a cease and desist order. To predictable results.
    • Magnus' room in general. The background is a massive library, with the Sphinx and the Louvre pyramid just in there for seemingly no reason. And the massive pile of books between the Sphinx's paws
  • The minute the Emperor says that "the nothing exploded" (describing the Big Bang), Magnus jerks back and begins looking between the Emperor and the visual example of "nothingness," as though he expects there to be an actual explosion.
  • During his explanation of the creation of the universe Kitten stops him and asks what caused the Big Bang to happen. The Emperor's answer, like many other things on Terra, is absolutely golden.
  • One of the reoccurring visuals near the start is that whenever two Eldar are on-screen, they will eventually spawn several hundred more inexplicably while "Oh Yeah" by Yello plays in the background...
  • The Emperor referring to the Old Ones' plan to stop the C'tan and the Necrons from bringing about intergalactic doom as a decision "to fuck up in an equally as awful manner as the Necrontyr" when they created the C'tan. Their solution: Orks.
    The Emperor: There's a plot twist you didn't see coming. The orks were actually important all aloooooooooooooooong.
    • On top of that, as this plan is being described in detail, you can hear a slowly building cry of Waaagh!!!
  • The Emperor's constant comparisons of the ancient races to more modern things. Some of the highlights include:
  • The Necrontyrs are portrayed as an entire race of entitled middle-age people who lived in tomb worlds "because their life sucked so much they would rather wait out their deaths than do much else."
  • The Eldar as a bunch of floozies who only knew how to reproduce like rabbits and how it ultimately ended up destroying their own reproductive cycle.
    • Later, at the giant censored Eldar orgy, a Krork tries to leap in and is tossed back by an irritated Eldar.
  • When the Necrontyr are introduced, Kitten gets an inkling of who they'll turn out to be:
    Kitten: Wait... this all sounds very familiar.
    Emperor: Strap yourselves to something because here comes the most obvious plot twist of the fucking century
    [...]
    Kitten: Wait! I think I can guess who these guys are now.
    The Emperor: Congratulations.
    Kitten: These... gas entities. They became the C'tan. And the Necrontyr, became the Necrons?
    Emperor: Give this man a PhD because that's some serious brain-power for a giant armored potato chip.
  • When the Necrontyr develop into a race of Omnicidal Maniacs, this is portrayed by showing a Necrontyr dressed up in goth clothing and makeup while a badly sung verision of "Crawling In My Skin" plays in the background.
  • The Emperor referring to the C'tan as "mounds of fluid dickery" who ate most of the Necrontyrs' souls after transforming the entire species into murderous machines who mindlessly served them "because they were ungrateful assholes like that."
  • The Emperor's description of how the Eldar entered the war against the Necrons.
    Emperor: By combining Webway technology and the power of the Realm of Souls they created a new type of material to combat the living metal of the Necrons called Wraithbone. The Wraith constructs were sent in to battle alongside the Krorks, to fight back the Necrons. Turns out that while the C'tan were immune to psychic powers, it seems as they couldn't handle being Wraithboned. *rimshot*
  • The Emperor mimicking Cegorach over his and the Deceiver's successful plan to screw over the Old Ones.
    Emperor: (mimicking Cegorach) Killing all of your allies in the middle of a giant war was apparently a bad idea. Who would have fucking thought?'''
  • The ancient, high technology of the Old Ones? All of it represented by rocking chairs. And when they have to stop Orks invasion, they just put more chairs in their way.
  • The Eldar's salvaging of the Old One's tech to build a webway is represented by a Stargate with a sign in front of it reading "Original Design. DO NOT STEAL."
  • The Emperor takes a moment to make Magnus and Kitten look stupid with one of the oldest tricks in the book.
    Emperor: It's at this point the idiotsayswhat species emerged.
    Magnus and Kitten: The what?
    Emperor: I am absolutely hilarious, even after all these millenia.
    Magnus: Oh! De-*groan*
    Kitten: I still don't get it.

    Episode 17: Emperor's Excellent Autobiography 
  • The Emperor was not only Conan the Barbarian, but also Kenshiro.
  • When the Emperor says that the shamans' souls filled him with a strong sense of right, Magnus begins to snicker.
  • The Eldar fucked up. Again. Literally. This time causing the creation of Slaanesh.
  • The Emperor pausing the lesson to say that he is going to use the "Eldar fucked up joke" as often as he likes because he is the motherfucking Emperor.
  • While guiding humanity from the shadows, apparently the Emperor took a bit of time off his schedule to scare small children.
  • Magnus and the Emperor's bickering in general, including the whole "play your bones like a xylophone" spat and Magnus breaking into laughter when the Emperor says he was filled with a strong sense of right.
  • Kitten, trying not to hear Too Much Information, with a bucket on his head.
    • While Kitten is hiding beneath a bucket:
  • The Emperor is pleasantly-surprised that he has bloodline descendants (which led to the above TMI moment), and requests that Kitten bring them to the palace for a family reunion. When Kitten informs him of what's generally done to Senseis, The Emperor craps out five Warp Storms in anger, to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries".

    Episode 18: Banished Expectations 
  • The God-Emperor stays Fyodor's hand the only way he really can without causing himself pain; by insulting him through Back Handed Compliments. Fyodor is so self-absorbed he sees none of it and just takes it at face value, not even noticing that the Emperor can't even be assed to spell his name for the text to speech program.
  • After being sent into the Warp by Magnus, Fyodor tries to remain calm and find a way out even as his men start dying and going insane, until he runs into Kaldor Draigo...Who has gone completely off his gourd as a result of prolonged exposure in the Warp.
    Fyodor: This is but a minor setback. I shall come and reunite with the Emperor, my Father and myself...No Daemonic realm shall stop me from fulfilling my fate!
    Fyodor: What?! DAEMO- *Draigo appears* ...No
    Fyodor: *Camera reveals Draigo sitting on a mobile throne similar to his own* [Inquisitorial Angry]
    • Which is in and of itself a Brick Joke from episode 12.5, where Grey Knight 31 asks "Are you going to send Draigo to rehab? Dude needs help."
    • The Emperor's speech to Fyodor is perhaps the single biggest load of sarcasm ever dumped on someone. And even better, he knows that Fyodor is so damned Sarcasm-Blind that he'll fall for it no matter how caustic he gets. The Emperor makes clear that he enjoyed every fucking second of it.
      Magnus: Father, what was that all about?
      The Emperor: I haven't experienced such sublime schadenfreude since I burned the last church of Terra. Seriously though, good job with the massive warp rift thing, just as I expected.
    • Even after this Magnus, still in the dark about what had been happening before then, is still confused as hell.
      Magnus: I still do not understand a thing...Why were they even here?
      The Emperor: Well, awhile ago I decreed the disbanding of the Inquisition and the Ecclesiarchy because they were fucking stupid and completely went against what the secular Imperium I invented 10,000 years ago stood for.
      Magnus: What, REALLY!? That is...Umm...Well...I cannot say it sounds like the best idea you ever had.
    • Decius' much-joked about hat representing accurately the Ecclesiarch's emotions.
    • Lucius' phone conversation with Fulgrim and Abaddon. Half the time, it's absolutely unsettling, another half, disarmingly hilarious.
    • Dominique's head rolling like crazy from the sheer shock of being by the Golden Throne.
    • Dominique getting his Deadpan Snarker on again.
      Dominique: Hey, Fyodor, we're in the Warp. Make sure to clench your butthole so that no heresy gets in!
    • Magnus' exasperated annoyance at Karamazov's Ax-Crazy behavior.
      Magnus: *Sighs* See what I was talking about when I said the Imperium has sunken together like a failed souffle?
    • Magnus' and Kitten's reaction to Emperor's "reveal":
      Magnus: What...
      Kitten: ...the fuck.

    Episode 18.5: Atrocious Answers 
  • The appearance of Malal, along with the Squats and other retconned characters, at the other end of the Tyrant Star.
    • While the letter prompting this is mostly depressing or nightmarish, we get this bit of Mood Whiplash.
      ''My hyper-realistic furby plushie cried 666 liters of blood for 13.72 seconds.
  • "Do you ever skip leg day?" "Fuck you."
  • Magnus spends most of the video completely pissed off from the sheer idiocy of the questions (and the Emperor's antics as well).
  • The Emperor's grand vision for the future of humanity: "Imagine thousands upon thousands of angelic beings - reminiscent of me in my prime - all united in a peaceful galaxy, in an interstellar Imperium, where all individuals have obtained their own objective perfection, without war nor political turbulence. They all lay naked on a beautiful beach planet, reveling in the ecstasies of human life. And really fucking good hair. That is what I want for mankind. To turn us into an entire species of divine masterminds with giant, gold-coated abs. Just like meeeeeee."
    • And Decius'... reaction. His hat takes out the ceiling.
  • The Emperor also gets a lot of use out of those psychic punches during the episode, not only flooring the Custodian for a mocking remark, but taking out Eliphas the Inheritor, laughing hysterically in his ship hundreds of light years away, in revenge for his trollish letter.
  • They get a letter questioning the Emperor's attitude towards his children. The Emperor, naturally, accuses Magnus of having written it personally before finally answering.
    Emperor: It was mostly because the planets you were raised upon were so gormlessly different that you had been forcefed radically disparate ideals since your birth.
    Magnus: So you're blaming our dead adoptive parents now?!
    • Naturally, the Emperor accused Magnus of writing the letter himself before finally responding. Magnus denies doing so but grows increasingly frustrated.
    Magnus: ANSWER IT, DAMN YOU!
  • The Emperor's reaction to the question "May I lick one's holy toes?"
    Emperor: Immediate restraining order. Next.
  • The Fast Food Chain Letter. Magnus even finds it funny as well! The Centurion has to fling himself on The Emperor's lap to calm him down.
  • The question from the "Disturbingly Curious Ordo Xenos Inquisitor", Magnus' delivery of it, and the answer itself:
    Magnus: Have you ever communicated with the Tyranid Hive Mind? If so, what's it liiiiiiike?
    Emperor: It is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. It is unfulfilling and makes you look like an idiot.
  • The fade to black with Magnus and the Man-Emperor shouting "Rabble Rabble Rabble" at each other. Bonus points for Magnus' VA losing track of the word towards the end, before having a coughing fit.
    "Rabble rabble rabble, rabble, rabble rabble... ribble... rubble... rabble, rabble *Cough* *Cough* Oh GOD "

    Episode 19: Warp Grumbling 
  • What does the Emperor decide to do with his massive powers? Why, flip the bird to every single navigator checking the Astronomican, of course! Even Magnus gets a kick out of that.
    Navigator: Um... sir? I've located the Astronomican but...
    Captain: What is it? Is its signature faint?
    Navigator: No, it's... it's flipping me the bird.
    Captain: ...Navigator. How the feth can a giant holy space beacon "flip you the bird"?
    Psyker: IT'S A SIGN FROM OUR LORD ON TERRA! EVERYONE MUST GO FUCK THEMSEEEEELVES!
    Tech Priest: [deadpan] If the Omnissiah decrees. I'll go retrieve the power dildos...
    Captain: These truly are...dark times.
    • For that matter, Magnus' cheerful high-five to the Emperor for the deed.
    • Previously, we get the bucket incident:
    Emperor: What did I say about fireballs in the throne room?
    Magnus: Yes, yes, I need to ask you first... sorry, dad.
    Emperor: That is better. *flings the bucket away*
    Random dude who gets hit by the bucket: Holy Asshole!
    • The chain heresy accusations. Witness the beautiful distillation of 40K parody humor here. A guardsman checks some Slaneeshi porn, only to get immediately shot down for heresy by a Commissar... Who's then shot for heresy by a Space Marine Librarian who saw him with said porn in hand... Who's then shot for heresy when the porn accidentally landed on his face by a Sister of Battle... Who meekly decides to read the porn manuscript, only to get shot by a Grey Knight who barged in during the deed... And the chain finally ends with an Inquisitor calling Exterminatus on the whole planet when he sees the whole ordeal from orbit.
    FUCKING HERETICCCCSSSSSSS!
    • Cooking With The Imperium scene at the beginning, and Kitten's absolutely chill reaction to everything that's happening around him.
      • As Kitten tries to hum Morning Mood he can't hit the higher notes and eventually ThunderPsyker falls out of character.
        Kitten: *Strained attempts at high notes* I can't do the pitch...! My vocal range is not broad enough to cover the whole thing—
    • The Emperor using his magnificent psyker powers to drink tea, even if it's physically impossible.
      Magnus: Wait, how would you even drink [the tea]?
      Emperor: *throws a bucket at Magnus who treats it like a Dope Slap* Emperor, that is how.
      Magnus: Using cosmic powers to drink tea? That's certainly the father I remember.
    • Magnus wondering if the fact he has soul back yet still being a Daemon Prince technically makes him a "half-daemon"
      The Emperor: I would laugh at how silly and full of angst that idea sounds if it were not for it being true. Actually, fuck it, I will laugh anyway. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
    • It turns out the "Heresy Detector" from episode 16 wasn't just a throwaway snide remark; it actually exists. When Magnus says his father is a decaying force of nature who literally defecates Warp storms whenever he tantrums, it displays:
      TOO MUCH HERESY
      NO HOPE CONSIDER SUICIDE
    • There is also the matter of the Emperor's (justified) hate towards The Warp as Magnus tries to explain why it cannot just be 'defeated'
      Emperor: That doesn't change the fact that [The Warp] is dangerous, stupid, dangerously stupid, and stupidly dangerous

    Episode 20: You're Green With It! 
  • The season finale opens with none other but Cato Sicarius dropping from orbit onto Nocturne essentially riding the undiscovered artefacts of Vulkan into Forgefather He'stan's chambers, where he is sleeping on a flaming anvil. Cato declares it another glorious victory and leaves, while literally seconds later a drop pod shows up with Vulkan in it, who has no idea it was the Ultramarines and not the Salamanders who found his remaining artefacts.
    • Vulkan's speech is comedy gold in itself:
      Vulkan: Congratulations, my friends! Through the power of friendship, you have found all the artefacts! And now I have returned to bring peace and friendship to the entire Imperium, no matter what the voices in my head say!
      Ghost Ferrus Manus: You are weeeak, Vulkan!
      Vulkan: Shut your not-face, brainghost Ferrus! You are not friend...
    • The Emperor and Kitten spend the first half of the episode having a massive misunderstanding about racism and the Salamanders, ending with Kitten getting psychically stripped naked.
      • Brought home when Kitten shows the Emperor images showing that when he said that the Salamanders are black that he meant literally pitch black.
        The Emperor: *beat* By Terra's tits, that is new. I do not remember this being a thing. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Knowing the state of my memory, perhaps I did forget...Now I just feel like some kind of huge dick.
        Kitten: I feel that your heart was in the right place, but you can't be blamed for your degraded memory of things.
        The Emperor: Yes, that is correct. As you know, I am always in the right.
    • The Emperor claims that both racism and Law of Chromatic Superiority applying to chapter colors are wrong for the same reason: There is no color better than gold, and all other colors are equally worthless before it.
    • The increasingly disturbed responses the Emperor has to Kitten's gratuitous descriptions of the Salamanders' fetishistic fire rituals.
    • The portrayal of the inner circle of the Dark Angels, who are every inch as gloriously paranoid as you'd expect. When an outer circle Dark Angel overhears their gratuitous leap in logic that the Mechanicus must be working with the Fallen...
      Dark Angel: My lord...what are the Fallen?
      Azrael: ...make him repent, Asmodai.
      Asmodai: (Leaping across the room wielding a power maul, screaming) REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
      • Made even more hilarious when Episode 23 reveals that those two Dark Angels had actually been recently initiated into the inner circle, it's just that the rest of the circle hadn't gotten around to revealing their history to them.
    • Azrael's unhinged reaction to a Watcher in the Dark speaking to him.
      Watcher: (on the floor) O-ow...uhhgh.....(whimpering)
    • The Emperor's response to the big reveal at the end of the episode amounts to mashing the A key in his TTS device, in an electronic version of Sarcasm Failure.
    • Kitten having sudden trouble with the word "regrowing".

    Episode 21: Still Alive 
  • The season premiere opens with Marneus and Uriel picking up their conversation about the theme of the Ultramarines where they left it several months before (literally). When Sicarius inevitably appears to brag about himself and the success of planting the artifacts of Vulkan with the Salamanders Marneus finally gets fed up with his bullshit and delivers the Imperial Fisting he threatened him with in season two clean in the face.
    • After Sicarius receives the Imperial Fisting, Uriel begins talking about the notorious Damnos campaign and in particular Sicarius's part in it:
      Uriel: How he's survived this far is a fucking mystery. Especially in that fight against the C'tan.
      Calgar: Well, uh, he was probably just lucky. The C'tan must've tripped on some rock or something. Actually, that goes for everyone he's fought.
      Uriel: Don't the C'tan just kinda like [Ultra Spooky Sound FX] float around, though?
      Calgar: The planet had floating rocks!
    • Once Uriel's done with Sicarius, he moves onto Calgar himself:
      Uriel: Though I must say, the strangest part of the whole Damnos report involved you yourself, my lord.
      Calgar: R-Really? (Ultrawkward cough) W-What would that be? I don't remember doing anything exceptional!
      Uriel: Uh, well, basically the part where you ripped a Necron Pylon off the ground and used it as a weapon. note 
      Cue a flashback of a hysterically laughing Calgar on Damnos holding said Pylon over his head and using it to smash Necron Warriors while the Ultramarines chant plays as BGM.
    • Then, at the end...
      Ultramarine: (Ultramarine March playing) MY GLORIOUS CHAPTER MASTER!!! We have succeeded in acquiring and planting the Salamander's artifacts!
      Beat
      Calgar: WHAT THE FU-Smash Cut to opening credits
    • Calgar's moment above is made even funnier by the fact that the Necron's warcry during this scene is the infamous "SOI SOI" sound made by Microsoft Sam. And the caption for the fight is "[bit of the old ULTRA-VIOLENCE]"
      Necron Lord: SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER
    • On the note of the reveal that Rogal is still alive, it's treated with all the gravitas and dramatic music that you'd expect. As Kitten says he thought he was dead, the music seems to swell...
    Kitten: "Didn't you die while trying to stop a black crusade?"
    • Rogal's..uh..."revelations", as to why he faked his death and why the Imperial Fists only found his severed hand during the first Black Crusade.
      ABOUT 9291 YEARS PRIOR
      Rogal: The Black Crusade must be stopped. Magic Pain Glove. Tell me what to do. (Puts on the Glove)
      Rogal: YUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG
      Rogal: The glove has spoken.
      (Later)
      Rogal: Magic Pain Glove. I am lost on this heretical ship. Tell me what I should do. (Puts on the Glove)
      (The Glove and Rogal's left hand immediately fall off, leaving a necrotic stump)
      Rogal: (quiet indignation) Your services are no longer required.
    • The implication that the hand fell off because he uses it so damn much.
    • WOLVES ARE STRONK! You should spend more time being RAISED BY WOLVES! - three guesses who makes an appearance to make Karamazov's day even worse. Karamazov for his part still buys into the belief that he's a shard of the Man Emperor, so seeing wolf-boy makes him realize how bad a "father" he is.
    • In the stinger, we hear what sounds like a stereotypical goth teen writing in his diary—oh who am I kidding, it's clearly Corvus Corax!
      • Upon watching the episode where Corvus makes his proper debut, the moment become funnier. If you look hard enough at the blurred surroundings you'll eventually realize that you're looking at the inside of a car.

    Episode 22: Change 
  • The Techpriest from Episode 1 returns. The poor guy still hasn't gotten the toasters he was promised and he isn't happy about it.
    • The episode opens with Azrael and Asmodai heading down to the planet to find Cypher. Their exchange may sound familiar.
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: Technically, no.
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: Almost.
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: We're...right above the planet.
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: Stop that.
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: No.
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: Asmodai!
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: Stop!
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: NO!
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
      Azrael: NO!!
      Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET??
      Azrael: FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR REFERENCES!
    • Seems like Kitten wasn't kidding when he said he was the last sane Custodes left. During his moping he runs into one with Diavolo's body who asks literally everyone he sees if they know who he is, laughing and saying "Good." if they don't. When Magnus and Kitten leaves he starts shouting about how soon he'll be the new Emperor while laughing maniacally.
      • Even better, that particular custode was voiced by none other than Antfish!
    • After Kitten agrees to give up his position as caretaker in exchange for the other Custodes helping him:
    Magnus: THE WOLVES SEND NUDE MEN AFTER ME?!
    • Dorn's most hilarious (and memetic) line in the episode:
    Kitten: Damn it, what should I (walks into the box Magnus was held in) do... What the?! Dooorrrnnn! What are you doing?!
    Rogal: I am fortifying this position.
    Kitten: Beat WHY?!?
    Rogal: The best offense is a good defense.
    Kitten: Oh, for Terra's sake... that's not even how it goes!
    • When Kitten summons Kaldor Draigo to help pacify the enraged Magnus, Kitten tries to warn Draigo about some nasty attacks to watch out for. Before Kitten can even finish his sentence, Draigo announces that Magnus is already defeated. Cut to Magnus laying knocked out on the floor and the tense music just cutting out abruptly. And when making his exit, Draigo channels Poochie of all people.
      Kaldor: I'VE ALREADY DEFEATED HIM.
      Kitten: Wuh? *Cut to Magnus laying on the floor* Wuuuh? Whh-when did you—?"
      Kaldor: A wizard NEVER reveals his secrets!
      Kitten: *Whines* I'm so confused...
      Kaldor: I must go. My planet needs meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—*Drifts straight up until disappearing*
      *Beat*
      Rogal: I suspect he was high on narcotics.
      • The words in the chant that Kitten uses to summon Draigo are "Grey Knights, Grey Knights they are the best chapter. Six six six. They are much more special than any other chapter, Grey Knights, Grey Knights." with each word in reverse.
    • Typhus reading bad erotic fanfiction (specifially, Squad Broken) for Lucius. To make it more hilarious, Typhus sounds like Gilbert Gottfried.
    • Every single line Dorn says. He's Literal-Minded in the extreme, obsessed over one matter and absolutely deadpan. The delivery his voice actor manages is amazing.
    • During the Warpchat session, Tzeentch pranks Nurgle by sending several Pink Horrors under the guise of a pizza delivery to vandalize his garden, driving him into tears and according to Isha, unleashing a plague of crotch-rot on a Hive World. The Hive World in question? Purgatory, from the Alfa Legion's games of Upper Hive. As if those people didn't suffer enough.
      • Also from the chat, the Tyranid Hive Mind (ICANHASGALAXY) joins the chat only to be auto-kicked for having too many connections open. Slaanesh is first kicked and then banned from the chat by Khorne and Khaine wants to pick up Khorne for Leg Day.

    Episode 23: A Hairy Conundrum 
  • The resolution of the Cliffhanger the last episode left us on. Doubles as an Awesome moment.
    Kitten: I am not joining Chaos, you ass.
  • When Magnus asks Kitten his real name, the scene cuts to a Monty Python-style "Intermission" card. This flagrant cop-out is lampshaded by itself ("ORIGINAL THE JOKE!") and it cuts to Kitten rattling off an incredibly long and nonsensical list of middle names he's earned from his military victories. Before Kitten can even get close to confirming whether or not his last name is Valdor, Magnus cuts him off begging for mercy.
  • Magnus' summary of his plan with Kitten: 'Make the Imperium Great Again!''
  • Forget promethium. The worst burns in the galaxy are caused by Rogal Dorn:
    Rogal: Father, are you familiar with the expression "you are what you eat?"
    The Emperor: ...The fuck?
    Rogal: Seeing as you are behaving like an ever-growing pile of screaming psychic children...
    (beat)
    The Emperor: Wow, Rogal. Way to bring down the fucking hammer.
    Rogal: I do not own a hammer. Oh, wait, no... (picks one up) There it is.
    The Emperor: Magnus. Yellow Jacket. Anyone except Rogal. Please come and save me from this nightmare of a conversation.
    Karstodes: (Jumps on-screen) Greetings, my glorious overlord!
    The Emperor: NO NO NO NO NO NO anyone except the strippers!
    Rogal: I am not a stripper, so I can save you, father.
    The Emperor: Whatever did I do to deserve this fate? Sob.
  • Magnus and Kitten, as the first part of the plan, then go onto assassinate the High Lords (except Decius). Decius witnesses this and decries them as daemonic traitors, only to be interrupted by... the muffled complaining of the High Lords locked in a closet, the ones Kitten killed having actually been shapeshifting xenos infiltratorsnote . Not only does this incident allow Kitten to easily convince the High Lords to stop being useless assholes as an alternative to killing them, but Decius apologizes to Magnus and promises to be more tolerant in the future.
    • The Fabricator-General, for his part, decides the best way to make amends is to go to Mars and serve oil margaritas. The closing portion affirms that he did just that.
    • The sheer perplexion the High Lords show when thinking of actually doing good things. Magnus is entirely convinced their heads are going to explode from actually thinking for once.
      I liked it better in the closet...
    • The Xeno infiltrators above? There was only 3. The Fabricator General remained unchanged.
  • When Karstodes asks what the Emperor typically did with Kitten, claiming he could do it better:
    The Emperor: (only wearing a blanket over his legs) We usually play a game of "Get the fuck out unless you have clothes on."
    Rogal: You must be terrible at that game, father.
    The Emperor: Shut the fuck up, Rogal.
  • After Karstodes fails to tell the Emperor anything useful about the Space Wolves:
    The Emperor: That is the last strike and you are fucking out. For the sake of all fucks in the space-time continuum, can you tell me anything useful??
    Rogal: He is incredibly unknowledgable, father.
    The Emperor: Thanks, Rogal. I noticed that.
  • Karstodes trying to justify his lack of knowledge:
    Karstodes: I... I'm sorry, there's just something gone awry with by brain right now-
    The Emperor: "Right now" is not how you say the word "constantly."
  • Karstodes attempt to get information about the Space Wolves from Kitten isn't funny because of how uncomfortably it resembles a rape scene. Karstodes failing to notice Magnus standing right behind him before hammering Magnus' Berserk Button is.
    Karstodes: Tell me everything you know of the Sp-sp-SPACE WOLVES within 10 minutes or I will slowly peel your armor off...
    Kitten: PLEASE NO NOT AGAIN!
    Magnus: SPACE WOLVES?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
    (cut to a very heavily distorted intermission screen)
    • Though it's not shown, it's all but certain that yes, Kitten had to go summon Kaldor Draigo again to deal with Magnus once more.
  • It takes Karstodes several times to finally figure out how to say Leman Russ. His momentary "yusss!" when he succeeds almost launches him into Adorkable territory.
  • Karstodes telling The Emperor of the possible theories as to why Leman Russ went into the Eye of Terror. The first theory being that he went into the Eye to kill Magnus The Red.
    Karstodes: From a quite reliable source I can say that - and I quote - "THE FURRY FUCK DID NOT SUCCEED!"
  • Karstodes mentioning the theory that Leman Russ is searching for a fruit from the Tree of Life able to cure the Emperor's injuries leads to a little tangent.
    The Emperor: Does he really think eating some fucking banana will make me all better again?
    Rogal: I personally think it is a lemon. (grasps a glowing citrus) A lemon is a mighty fruit. My favourite...
    Karstodes: I like to think it's a kumquat...
    The Emperor: Stop radiating uncomfortableness you Eldritch Abomination and continue speaking.
  • Once again, the sound version of a Funny Background Event pops up as Karstodes speaks about the Wulfen...
  • Karstodes, the Emperor, and Rogal hit on one of the major problems with the Vlka Fenryka.
    Karstodes: It should be noted that Wolf King Russ all but entirely refused the Codex Astartes, and thus the Space Wolves are not your normal chapter, but bloated to the brim with hefty, hairy wolf enthusiasts. The current Wolf Lord of the Space Wolves is Logan Grimnar, also known as the Old Wolf. He rules from the Hall of the Great Wolf, together with his Wolf Lords such as Harald Deathwolf, Egil Iron Wolf, and Bjorn Stormwolf. Under their command are troops such as the Wolf Guard, the Wolf Scouts, and the mystical Wolf Priests, ready to fly their Stormwolves and ride their Thunder Wolves straight into battle, with their bladed Wolf Claws and Wolf Standard raised high, and their Wolf Amulets active! All wolfkin battling unbridled with intense CQC fury and wolf-like musk in preparation for the coming Wolftime!
    (beat)
    The Emperor: All I got out of that was "wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf and wolf."
    Rogal: The Space Wolves are incredibly uninspired.
    • One of the Space Wolves that appears while Karstodes talks about them has the head of the Nord from The Elder Scrolls Online trailers photoshopped on him.
  • When the Emperor accuses the Space Wolves of unknowingly consorting with daemons, Karstodes claims to be utterly disgusted by the daemons of Slaanesh. The Emperor's response to that all but screams "look who's talking!"
  • The Emperor's wish list when it comes to the Wolves.
    1.- Make a sequel for the Council of Nikea banning interaction with daemons roleplaying as friendly woodland creatures.
    2.- Stop stuffing acolytes with defective geneseed to stop instances of Wulfen.
    3.- Have their Chapter Master deliver presents to all children on Sanguinila.
    4.- Exchange all instances within the chapter of the word "wolf" with "corgi", and "Wolf Priest" with "Corgomancer".
  • The Emperor praising Karstodes' knowledge of the Wolves, only to reveal he knows the Custodian's been torturing Kitten for information.
  • Emperor's new mission for the Ultramarines: dance-off with the Harlequins!
    The Emperor: I am great at cliffhangers.
    Rogal: No...

    Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages 
  • Leman says Fyodor and the Inquisition are the first sentient person he met that aren't made of tentacle or crab claws.
    Fyodor: But what about Khaldor Draigo?
    Leman: (laugh) Would ya really call him "sentient"?
    Draigo: (popping to Fyodor's right) NOOOOOO!
    Fyodor: I... agree with Draigo.
  • Russ orders the Inquisition to not leave their corner of the Warp while sober, lest their head explode. Fyodor's reaction?
    Karamazov: Explode? Isn't that a Guardsman-only thing?
  • Fyodor says to Leman Russ that he is his father, still believing the lie The Emperor told him. Russ' reaction? A brief moment of Tranquil Fury before delivering a punch to the face of Karamazov so fucking hard and loud that it was heard through The Warp and all the way into The Imperial Palace!
    Leman: I'm gonna punch yer face off for that.
    Karamazov: Don't do that.
    Leman: Already doing it.
    Karamazov: No.
    Leman: Yes.
    Karamazov: No dO NOT-
    (BAM)
    *Fyodor's scream can be heard on Terra*
    The Emperor: What was that noise?
    Rogal: It was the miserable scream of an old man being punched in the face, father.
  • The usual toaster obsessed tech priest went on vacation, and the tech priest who replaced him is even more insane. His musing include wondering if legs are machines driven by tiny snotlings, what is a go, and how does go-go-ga-doo? Even better when you know he's voiced by the 40K Theories channel owner taking the piss out of himself.
    Emperor: Who are you? And why aren't you Toaster Guy?
    Cyberdong the Tech Priest: He went on vacation, but do not fret. For I too have a massive fixation with slapping my cyberdong against the hull of toasters.
    Emperor: At least you are honest.
    Cyberdong: Could the Emperor be rebuilt entirely out of cyberdongs?
    Emperor: Shut it and go inspect Jaghati's old shed to see if there are any bikes left for Rogal. Preferably the mobility scooter pattern.
    Cyberdong: Do segways still exist in the 41st millenium?
    Emperor: Fuck off immediately.
    Cyberdong: Are legs actually vehicles, driven by tiny snotlings?
    Rogal Dorn: Yey. Bike.
  • The Emperor asks why Rogal didn't disappear into the void in some attempt to aid him, insinuating that Rogal apparently doesn't love him enough to do so.
    Rogal: While my siblings are out being lost, I came here to keep our rambling, paraplegic father company. Because I love him more than any other.
    The Emperor: ...You are lucky I find salt and sweet to go nicely together, son. I knew there was a reason I named you "Praetorian of Terra" that one time.
  • The Emperor questions the Second Founding.
    The Emperor: Oh yes. That superfluous Second Founding shittery. Why the balls did it go through if almost half of you voted "fuck that?"
    Rogal: I did not wish to copulate with his book, father. I have only seen Lorgar do such a thing.
  • When Whammudes shows up, he's become so lubricated he slides instead of moving. Even his subtitles slide with him.
    Whammudes: The sensation of friction is all but lost on me!
  • Whammudes slips and falls onto the floor:
    Whammudes:(Painfully) Hello floor.
    Rogal: (like a patient Kindergarten teacher) Floors cannot speak, un-neutered one.
  • Rogal's sense of humor: Reality. His idea of a joke is the concept of clapping.
    Rogal: Because smacking the floppy end-parts of your arms together to make a noise is a strange way of expressing praise. That is why it is funny.
    • When the Emperor hears that Jaghatai Khan spent a battle ontop of a tank he expresses amazement that the primarch was capable of holding still for twenty seconds at a time. Custodisi then clarifies that the tank itself was moving at 200 miles an hour.
    • Jaghatai Khan liked going fast. Magnus enjoyed his bike so he could go fast. Now Rogal Dorn wants a bike so he can go fast. And after a little arguing, he gets it.
    • Rogal's storytelling skills continue to amaze.
      Rogal: Once upon a time, I was me, after Horus' rebellion. I was distraught because you had died. My normal calm had been compromised to the point that the only reasonable thing I could think to do was to bring my Imperial Fists with me to hunt down and kill all remaining traitors with immense abhorrence.
      The Emperor: That is the best Father's Day present I could think of.
    • Rogal Dorn reviews the Codex Astartes
      5/10 It was okay
    • And for that matter, revealing he only started appreciating the Codex "after seven days of intense torture".
    • The Emperor revealing the true reason he had Rogal be the one to rebuild the Imperial Palace instead of Perturabo: Perturabo wouldn't have made it out of gold.
    • Perturabo's childish insults to make Dorn come and fight him are rather hilarious in and of themselves, particularly with his delivery.
      Perturabo: *yelling at Dorn, who's ignoring him* HEY! Rogal! Rooogaaal! Ooor, maybe more like...ROOOGASS! Haah! HEY! ROUGE GUUURL! HIHEHEHEHE! Seriously, look over here! *Rogal finally does so* Dare you attack...MY NEWEST DAEMONIC FORTRESS OF PERPETUAL PAAAAIN! Even I don't know how to get inside this one!! *Dorn is slowly backing away all throughout his speech*
    • Paper Guilliman, who is depicted with a constant Twinkle Smile (even copied on the cover of the Codex Astartes) and an Audible Gleam sound (taken straight from Ultramarines Chant!) whenever he does anything.
    • The discussion concerning Rogal's fists.
      The Emperor: Do you know what your Fists are up to now?
      The Emperor: Fucking damn it.
      Rogal: While the other is enshrined deep in our Fortress-Monastery of the Phalanx. Each new Chapter Master crowned has the right to engrave their heraldry upon the hand, as tradition. ....I do not want that hand back anymore.
      The Emperor: First off, fucking damn it Rogal that is not what I meant, and second off, is it not super creepy that your rotting skeletal fist is enshrined as some object of worship millennia after you lost it?
      (Beat, as Rogal gives the Emperor a look)
      The Emperor: Fuck you.
      • Rogal simply describes the reason the Black Templars don't have the word "Fists" in their name as because "they are absolute lunatics" which then cuts to their drop pods falling from the sky, and this Black Templar on the right animated to repeatedly stab his target next to another Black Templar.
    • When Leman Russ declares that they are marching on the Gate of Khaine, Kaldor Draigo's response.
      Draigo: ROAD TRIP, YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
      • Speaking of Kaldor Draigo, his idea of how to deal with some daemons of Nurgle is memorable:
      Draigo: I SAYETH WE THROW OUR VORTEX GRENADES AT THEM.
      Leman Russ: But vortex grenades open up rifts to the Warp, don't they? I mean... we're already in the Warp.
      Draigo: WE SHALL SEND THEM... TO THE SUPER WARP!!!
    • The Captain-General asks has a question for Magnus as they head for Nocturne...
      Kitten: Magnus, why are we going by ship to Nocturne when you can-just... teleport us there?
      Magnus: Silence, companion! I have not ridden in one of this vessels for millennia. Please allow me to soak in the nostalgia!
      Magnus: Look! We are gonna sit on this ship, plunder the minibars, play the videogames and use good old Ouija boards to scare the absolute shit out of Daemons! This I have decreed!
      Magnus: Excellent! LET THE AMUSEMENT COMMENCE! Do-hohohohoho!
    • And after that comes some unused lines from Rogal's story:
      Perturabo: Even I don't know how to get inside this one! Seriously, I think I left the key inside somewhere. So uh... yeah, that's actually the main reason I'm asking you to break in. So yeah, hop to it!
      Rogal Dorn: No...
      Karl: What the FUCK do you want!?
    • "Come and fist me, Rogal. Wait, that didn't come out right."
    • There's something hilarious about the way Leman slaps a dead daemon corpse onto a table and starts whacking it with his sword.

    Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion 
  • Cegorach is having his fun scaring Custodisi and Whammudes in front of the Black Library... when Ephrael Stern appears from the inside of the library and demands food. Cegorach gives up and allows the Custodes access to the Black Library.
    • For bonus points, the music playing during this scene, Prime Clown, is a discordant and horrifying accordion theme that overloads the senses and fills the listener with dread until you hit the last part, think "hey, that popping bit at the end sounded familiar", re-listen to it because it's just that amazing of a song, and then suddenly realize it's actually a remix of the Seinfeld theme, of all things.
      • When they return to the Emperor's Throne Room, Custodisi is carrying the Space Marines' codex and the White Scars novels. The Emperor decides to punish them for bringing the information (much more than what he wanted) by forcing them to stay there and read with him. He makes Rogal join in.
    • The entire scene involving Cegorach terrifying Custodisi and Whammudes involves Cegorach telling really bad jokes like a stand-up comedian while a canned laugh track plays and a demonic, synthesized voice says "[BAZINGA]" at every punchline. Which of course becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the episode, complete with freaked-out Whamuudes.
  • 500 years prior to the series, a Techpriest found a pipe and gave it to the Emperor as an offering by chucking it at him and busting his kneecap causing it to literally rain the tears The Emperor pretends he doesn't shed. After the flashback the same Techpriest returns and does the same thing only this time with Liquid Nitrogen.
    Emperor: ANESTHETICS REQUIRED ANESTHETICS REQUIRED ANESTHETICS REQUIRED ANESTHETICS REQUIRED
    • As one youtube commentator pointed out, this sequence implies that a random techpriest wandering into the throneroom and pelting the Emperor with "offerings" every so often without any real consequences.
  • The Emperor gets fed up with Rogal's usual literal-minded antics and tells him to "go play blocks on the freeway." Rogal promptly picks up a random cement mixer he's got with him and starts to do exactly that before the Emperor hastily stops him.
    • Made better with Rogal's usual deadpan response.
    Rogal: I shall do this.
  • Magnus and Kitten (still silvery) finally arrive to Nocturne, and now seek to get into the building where the Engine of Woes is in by sneaking in. When Kitten points out they could have got in by teleporting or going invisible, Magnus complains because for once he wants to do things the harder way. Kitten then points out how illogical the whole idea is, leading to this.
    Magnus: You're right, let us make use of a conventional stratagem using copious amount of invisibilty with minimal efforts on our part. Just like the Tau would.
    Kitten: ...fffffFUCK SNEAKING! (rushes to a Salamander)
    Magnus: Oh shit.
    Kitten: YOU LOT WANNA FOIT?!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: WE'LL BREAK INTO YA RELIQUARY, YA SCROWDER!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: GONNA TAKE ALL YOUR ARTEFACTS AND WEAR 'EM ABOUT!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR ENGINE-THING!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: I'LL SLAP YER SHIT IN I SWEAR ON ME MUM!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: ME MUM WAS A TUBE!!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: A TUBE IN MOUNT FUCKIN' EVEREST!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: FUCK!
    Salamander guard: What?
    Kitten: MOM EVEREST!
    Magnus: [while mindwiping both guards] Forget this ever happened, please, and thank you.
    • Even funnier is the fact that the Salamander guard in question can only say "What?" in the brief pauses between Kitten's sentences, meaning either Kitten is talking too fast for him to understand, his hearing is so bad it's all going over his head, or he can't understand Kitten now that his anger has caused his accent to amplify ten fold.
    • Once they enter and find the Engine of Woes (a Smart car), Magnus suggest that, since Kitten is being annoyingly reasonable, they'll just teleport it back to the ship. His complain is hilarious, Kitten's deadpan answer is even more so.
    Magnus: You have no sense of adventure.
    Kitten: The last time you had an adventure, daemons happened.
    • It turns out that Vulkan is hiding in a dark corner. He also appears to have partially absorbed an Ork's personality due to the results of his battle with The Beast. And he wants to give Magnus a big hug. Which he does.
    Vulkan: I just want to give my big brother a "I'm not mad you ruined everything" hug!
    Magnus: THAT WAS LORGAR GODSDAMMIT!
    • So Magnus hits him with the Engine of Woes so hard it kills him. Which makes Corvus Corax pop out of the Engine of Woes, much to Magnus' and Kitten's stunned confusion. The two of them panic so much that they start reciting the Dawn of War tutorial.
      • Magnus sounds like he's on the end of his goddamned rope by the time he pops out.
        Kitten: Is that really Corvus Corax??
        Magnus: WHY IS CORVUS HERE?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?
    • Vulkan's last words as he dies (again)?
    • As Magnus is screaming in pain from the tightness of Vulkan's hug, Kitten tries to tell Vulkan to let up because, while Magnus's body may be partially incorporeal his spine is still suffering the phantom pains from Leman Russ breaking it during the Horus Heresy.
    Magnus: I PUNCHED OUT ONE OF HIS HEARTS! WHY DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THAT?!
    • Additional comedy, because while Magnus stomping on Kitten's Berserk Button caused him to spaz out and nearly start a fight with the nearest person, Kitten accidentally hitting Magnus's doesn't actually make him Nerd Rage out into a giant daemon. Possibly because of how painful the hugging was.
    Vulkan: Have you ever heard of Battlemace Forty-Two Million?
    Magnus: THAT IS
    Kitten: JUST
    Magnus: FUCKING
    Kitten and Magnus: STUPID!
  • Ferrus Manus has been reduced to a tiny ghost, with a picture of his face as the head. Only Vulkan and Corvus can see him.
    Brain-Ghost Ferrus: YOU ARE WEEEAK, CORVUS.
    Corax: I am aware, Ferrus. Thank you.
  • Magnus' increasingly girly shrieks throughout the episode, as he gets hit with more and more shocking developments.
  • The entire nature of the Engine of Woes. From its physical form being a Smart Car which earns a revolted comment from Kitten regarding its looks, to the implication that, in order to fill it with his earthly hatreds and sorrow, Vulkan just shoved Corvus in there and called it a day.
    • Funnier still? It could be seen earlier in episode 20, being pushed along by Cato Sicarius. It seemed like a Funny Background Event at the time...
  • After it turns out Vulkan is alive, he hugs Corax, who says that they need to go to Terra to stop Magnus from killing the Emperor. Vulkan, meanwhile, just wants to finish hugging Magnus.
    Corax: Ew!
  • Corvus Corax's reaction to being released from the Engine of Woes:
    Fresh air upon my skin is like the flensing daggers of a thousand-thousand menial urchins going at a sack of potatoes. My existence is fraught with falls and pointless angst in the midst of this disgusting reality. The light burns! For I have never been worthy to wa-[Bird Noises] I'm sad. It's too bright. {Beat} I want to go back in the box. Wanting to go outside was a terrible idea. The box does not judge. It just haaaaaates.
  • Marneus Calgar's response to an Eldar Wraith Titan ambushing his chapter, bellowing its intention to avenge its Craftworld's destruction by exterminating every human it comes across, starting with his Ultramarines? Tell it to fuck off and punch it in the foot so hard it fucking dies.
    Calgar: Fahck off! You SPARKLY PIXIE-MACHINE!
    • Even better, his technique of slowly walking up to it, mouthing off to it and then punching it unbelievably hard is the exact same stratagem he "taught" Sicarius several episodes back in the "I CAST FIST" incident.
    • Just after this, Cato Sicarius starts to critique Calgar's methods by saying "I personally would have used a rope to hang myself-". Then another Ultramarine interrupts him with new orders from the Emperor, prompting Sicarius to flip out at someone cutting him off.
    How DARE you interrupt the feedback session of I, CATO SICARIUS!
  • Though Corax is not pleased with Magnus accidentally killing Vulkan he's not terribly enthusiastic when the situation resolves itself knowing what follows.
    Corax: What have I not been able to gaze upon in the halls of the Imperial Palace that Magnus the Red, nine-times damned traitor, could so easily have slipped inside—
    Vulkan: Corvus!
    Corax: Oh no.
    Vulkan: *Grabs him into a bear hug* Oh, I've missed you friend!
    Corax: Oh look. Vulkan is alive again. Good.

    Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate 
  • The first thing Kaldor Draigo says when he comes on screen.
  • Leman Russ doesn't really have a walking animation, he sort of hops forward with both legs like he's having a one-person, sack-less sack race.
  • Russ is trying to explain the difference between Khorne and Khaine to Fyodor, who had been under the impression they were two different names for the same god. When he gets tongue tied and runs out of time (or patience), the video fills up with all the actual differences, each prefaced by "erm... actually...". Most of them are Not Helping Your Case, and some that are just there for humor.
    Erm... actuallly, Khaine sits on a SMOULDERING throne, not a skull throne, so there.
    Erm... actually, just because Khaine has blood constantly pouring from his hands doesn't mean he's similar to the Blood God, Khorne, you are just dumb if you think so quite frankly.
    Erm... actually, the Fenrisian pronounciation of 'Khorne' is 'Ghorghe'
    Erm... actually, just because Khaine suffers from an uncontrollable temperament and insatiable bloodthirst, both of which affects his followers in much the same ways—doesn't mean he has any form of connection to Khorne. Just saying.
    Erm... actually, Khaine doesn't like brass, his avatars are made of iron.
    Erm... actually, I don't like these disembodied text blobs. I can't read them when they move like this. I hate it. Fuck you.
    • It sounds just like Fan Wank from a stereotypical forum thread, with all the posturing, insults, obsession with minor details that implies. In other words, a light jab at the audience.
  • While the episode has it's fair share of Awesome Moments due to its sticking to the rules of the actual tabletop game, this also means that there's a fair amount of absurdity because it's sticking to the rules of the actual tabletop game. The Battle Sisters' Canoness for example refuses to let her squad open fire on some daemons attacking a vehicle in close combat, even though their weapons have little to no chance of damaging it if they miss, while Kaldor Draigo - the strongest unit on the Inquisition's side bar Leman Russ - proves to be hilariously ineffectual because he keeps failing his rolls. Leman Russ himself just sits there and does nothing despite being a One-Man Army because he has no eighth edition rules yet.
    • Trying to teleport with Gate of Infinity.
    Draigo: SANCTIC POWER! GATE OF INFINITzzz [psychic test failed]
    Draigo: GATE OF INFIographic [psychic test failed]
    Draigo: (starting to get frustrated) gATE *a face with big anime eyes falls from the sky and onto Draigo's face*
    Draigo: (now with Comic Sans subtitles and in a more shonen anime protagonist voice) LET ME GATHER MY CHAKRA SO I CAN- *cuts to different scene*
    • Trying to charge.
    (After failing his charge roll twice in a row, flopping around like a soaped fish) "WARFARE IS-IS NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE."
    • When Draigo confronts the Masque, he suddenly starts vibrating violently in place, his model blurring as it shakes, until he stabs the Masque while screaming incoherently at the top of his lungs. It's so absurd but also completely in-character for Draigo.
    • Kairos gets extremely unlucky with the damage from his spells, barely scratching his actual target but blasting Skarbarand for huge damage.
  • During the roadblock, the Tempestuous Scions get into a conversation about the Taurox roadblock tactic and provide a glimpse into just how hopelessly outmatched they as normal human soldiers are.
    Stuart: Priestly— there's a Daemon bigger than a house over yon, an' you're thinkin' a bit of inclement traffic's gonna stop 'em?!
    Matilda: But it's really tanky though, innit?
    Skarbrand: SKARBRAND HATES TRAFFIC JAMS *cleaves through a Taurox in one go*
    Stuart: Not tanky enough, Matilda! NOT TANKY ENOUGH!
    Stuart: HE'S NOT A BLOKE! HE'S A GIANT DAEMON!
    Grant: Oi bros, I know we've been taught since childhood to always follow orders, not know fear n' all that, right? But I'll be straight with ya. I'm about to shit meself.
    Tempestor Cromwell: You can shit when you're dead, Scion Grant!
  • Throughout the battle, the infographics are a steady source of laughs:
    [Skarbrand initiates Mighty Strike] -> [Imperial Tonka Truck suffers 17 wounds and fucking dies]
    [Sister Squad initiates overwatch] -> [Overwatch barely helps] -> [42 Piercing Claws wounds 11 times, no saves—no sisters]
    [Draigo initiates Stab] -> [The Masque is kill]
    [Deathwatch team shoots at plaguebearers] -> [1 plaguebearer actually dies?!]
    [Skarbrand hits Dreadknight for 21 wounds ripripripripripriprip]
    [Skarbrand hits Elirush for 15 waffles]
  • A meta joke, with an actual Dawn of War-esque victory screen popping up right after the episode proper is over. There is even a loading screen with paper skeleton Emperor offering a thumbs up.
    You have escaped the uncomfortably moist realms of the Warp without suffering a hundred percent casualty rate!
  • The Credit roll has notes about the various crew members who worked on the episode tacked on to the beat of the outro that go from genuine, to goofy, and borderline libel. Some highlights include...
    • Alfa incessantly mocking himself in the comments and calls his victory in the tabletop game that provided the basis of this chapter an accident because he is absolutely horrid at it.
    • Randolph Carter, voice of the Emperor's human form, unsurprisingly plays Custodes. He also started writing the script for this episode back in 2015.
    • Eliphus being from Belgium is why Elirush's accent is, to quote Russ, "full of waffles". He also enjoys thick plaguebearer thighs.
    • Yohan Gasmask, voice of Lucius and Ahriman, still uses Skype for some reason.
    • Zoran, voice of Russ, is labeled a "Squat apologist".
    • Fresh, voice of Corax and the Master of the Administratum, cannot comprehend the idea of an unsliced pizza.
    • SuperAnchors, voice of Rogal Dorn, gets called out for repeatedly linking a prolonged Expand Dong-esque meme about Dorn's multiple (and earth-shattering) sexual conquests.
    • Earndil, voice of the Grand Provost Marshal and Epidemius, was actually sick while voicing the latter for this episode. His laughter is said to be infectious as well.
    • Hulkykrow, voice of Kayvaan, is apologized to by Alfa for having to screw up his throat voice as a Bloodletter...multiple times.
  • Fyodor insisting on standing with the psykers to help them open the gate, straining intensely to assist his men in their Herculean endeavor... or he would, if he actually had any psychic powers in the first place, and instead is just giving himself a brain aneurysm. Even Leman Russ is too sober to argue with him.

    Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh 

  • The Emperor is quite excited to see his plans progress, and he doesn't bother hiding it.
    The Emperor: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!
    • Even then, his mood still gets dinged a little by Rogal being Rogal and Custodisi openly lusting over Magnus again (which gets him psychically slapped around, then smacked with a restraining order).
  • As glad as he is to see the Emperor back, Leman Russ is still having trouble accepting the fact he's incarnated in the "ragged, chairbound farm animal" that is Karamazov, and he actually pukes a little trying to come to terms with it.
  • A Dark Eldar tries to negotiate with the Inquisition and Leman Russ.
    Custodisi: What is it doing?
    The Emperor: It is trying to speak to them. Mistake number one.
    • What follows is an absolutely epic beatdown in which Leman Russ literally punches the Dark Eldar in half, jumps on its face, and then beats it for a minute straight with his bare hands until it completely evaporates.
    • Rogal Dorn's reaction to the aforementioned beatdown: "Oh, how I have missed Leman!"
  • Inquisitor Headsmash makes his glorious return, only to be dragged into Commorragh in the middle of his retirement speech.
    • Headsmash's response to the aforementioned Dark Eldar beatdown.
  • When the Dark Eldar arrive, the Emperor calls up a random tour guide in the Imperial Palace to rattle off a description of all of their weaponry directly from the Dark Eldar Codex.
    The Drukhari's arsenal consists of Dark Lances, Agonizers, Electro-corrosive Whips, Flesh Gauntlets, Chain-Flails, Scissor Hands, Husk-Blades, Hellglaives, Punishers, Stingers, Destructors, Crucibles of Maledictions, Combat Drugs, Gruesome Talismans, Hellmasks, Shadow Fields, (inhale) Terrorfexes, Horrorfexes, Tormentor Helms, Masks of the Damned, Goblets of Spite, Shard Carbines, Splinter Rifles, Nightmare Dolls, Archangels of Pain, Torture Amps, Xenospasms, Murderdick Shooters... and by Mecharius' saggy marble sack could these weapon names be any more childishly grim?!
    • Then of course, they mention Leman Russ's weapons of choice, The Sword of Balenight and Scornspitter, not to mention Rogal Dorn's Storm's Teeth.
    • Generally the tour guide himself is hilarious. One of the best bits is when the Inquisition is calling Fyodor a heretic.
      Guide: I do not understand ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING and my body is CONVULSING IRREGULARLY.
  • The most calm and rational voice of reason among the collected Inquisitors? Inquisitor Kryptman.
  • The Emperor says that he kind of likes Kryptman, not knowing just who he is.
    The Emperor: I like this Kryptman man.
    Rogal Dorn: You should not. He committed the largest genocide in Imperial history in his attempts to repel the Tyranids. He was exiled from the Inquisition for being. Too. Cruel.
    The Emperor: *beat* I am sure it was nothing personal and absolutely necessary in the end.
    Custodisi: My lord, you can just retract your statement about liking him.
  • The Dark Eldar heading communications with the Inquisition asks the single dumbest question you'd ever expect to hear come out of a Dark Eldar's mouth. Everyone present and those watching from Terra all answer the same and Leman tears into them after that.
    Dark Eldar: Come the fuck on, Vect wants a word with you and you expect us to immediately slaughter you wholesale?
    The Emperor: Yes.
    Rogal: Yes.
    Custodisi: Myes.
    Fyodor: Yes!
    Draigo: yES!
    Leman: YES! By the grace of Fenris, yes! You must think we've all contracted NURGLITE HYPER-SYPHILS to be mad enough to trust your ill-begotten ilk! Eldar would never miss an opportunity to cause pain, mayhem, and suffering and you've got to be thirteen wolves a' gullible to assume good intentions from even a single one of their honeyed words! Phrases like 'delivery' and 'audience' are always euphemisms for 'torture horribly for eons and eons cuz' it tickles me willy!' to yer lot. If this isn't a trap, I'm gonna buy an ENTIRE LIVING CAT AND NOT EAT IT.
  • Of all of the Inquisition present, Headsmash is the only one not affected by the Emperor's psychic persuasion.
    Headsmash: So, like... am I actually going to have to be the straight man here in pointing out how bad this idea is? This feels... gross.
  • When the Inquisition board the Dark Elder ships, Kaldor Draigo is dragging the un-vaporized half of the Dark Eldar that Leman Russ punched in half earlier. Also doubles as a Heartwarming Moment.
    Kaldor Draigo: I think we should help the poor boy!
  • Lady Malys is introduced talking to herself in the mirror. All of her lines are just her speaking in French and "hon hon hon" laughter, but are subtitled [clown speak].
  • The Deceiver of all possible things calls out the Dark Eldar on their murderous ways.
    The Deceiver: GHAAAAARGH! Shut the FUCK UP Tahril! You’re part of the problem!

    Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly 
  • Kitten's reaction to learning that Magnus' plan involves reviving the Emperor.
    Kitten: (Kitten bends backwards into frame before dragging himself across the floor towards Magnus accompanied by rapid Source Engine collision sounds)
    Magnus: Seems I caught your attention.
    Kitten: (uncomfortably close to Magnus) WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO TELL ME IMMEDIATELY.
    Magnus: You're not mad anymore?
    Kitten: YES
    Magnus: Yes you're mad, or yes you're not ma-
    Kitten: LET'S GO TO MY OFFICE
    Magnus: Okay.
  • When Kitten and Magnus are discussing the Proteus Protocol, Magnus mentions it is in the hands of the "progressive" elements of the Dark Mechanicus, which Kitten translates to "techno-fiddlers." Cut to one such heretical Adept:
    Dark Mechanicus Adept: MAKE PEE-NIS INTO ROBOT!
    • Fun Genius Bonus: The piece of tech being fiddled is a Lord of Skulls, a Khornate war machine that looks like a centaur with a tank-half known for having a rather phallic cannon.
  • The "Army Building with Kitten and Magnus" segment is essentially just two 40k nerds hanging out debating on how to build an army, complete with Magnus chilling in a beanbag chair.
    Kitten: ALROGIHT. I will need to get a hodgepodge of different units to get this to work. First I'll get a squad of—
    Magnus: Get bikes.
    Kitten: N-no, I don't need bikes.
    Magnus: Not getting bikes is a mistake...
    Kitten: We do not need bikes for this mission.
    Magnus: You always need bikes.
    Kitten: We do not need bikes, we need politicians!
    Magnus: ...Why not politicians on bikes?
    Kitten: Bikes won't make arguing policy any easier!
    Magnus: You're arguing with the Adeptus Mechanicus, it literally will.
    Kitten: No bikes!
  • Since Kitten needs diplomats for his mission to Mars, he turns to the Emissaries Imperiatus Shield Host, masters of "the subtle art of the guilt trip."
    Kitten: Hammurabi Unferth, could I have a word?
    Unferth: Captain-General! You do not visit very often... what brings you here?
    Kitten: I am in need of your warriors, Shield-Captain. We are going on a mission.
    Unferth: My warriors are always at your command, Captain-General. Don't worry about me, though... I can just... stay here...
    Kitten: You're coming too.
    Unferth: That is so generous of you.
  • And they get to tackling the matter of excavation, where Zegram wasn't able to keep a straight face during recording.
    Magnus: That's all good, but this mission might need you to excavate the datascapes of ancient Mars, Companion. You'd better bring some Custodians specialized in digging holes.
    Kitten: I don't exactly have any Iron Warriors available.
    Magnus: Hah. (giggling) Perturabo digs holes. I can't—! Shit! [Genuine Laughter]
  • Instead Kitten turns to the Shadowkeepers Shield Host, which keep the technological abominations from the Dark Age of Technology beneath the Palace in check. Like a mass of mechanical tentacles speaking in tongues through a talking bass toy with low batteries to make it sound appropriately horrid.
    Kitten: This is slightly uncomfortable.
  • The Lockwarden is so suave and soft-spoken that his subtitles come with sunglasses-wearing smileys at the end of his sentences. And when he sees Kitten, he assumes the other Custodes has come to the vaults to "bewail your crushed heart" again. Which implies that his thing with Shadowsun might be canon after all.
    Kitten: ...What.
    Lockwarden: You know you cannot keep doing this-
    Kitten: No! No. I am here for you and your Keepers, Lockwarden.
    Lockwarden: And we're here for you, Captain-General.
    Kitten: Stop.
    Lockwarden: Love is a strange thing, dude...
    Kitten: Not canon.
    Lockwarden: ...but sometimes a break-up is a blessing in disguise.
    Kitten: SHUT. (beat) Shut up and get in the fuckin' line, Lockwarden.
  • On the subject of transports, Kitten and Magnus have a spat over whether bikes count, before the former settles on a Coronus Grav-Carrier.
    Magnus: (very clearly trying not to laugh) If the pontoons on that thing were protruding upwards, it'd look like a big-boy sausage-mobile...
  • The discussion of the need for some serious firepower just to be sure results in one of Magnus's funnier lines in the episode.
    Kitten: The datascapes of Mars contain many a mechanical spectre, so coming armed would be wise.
    Magnus: You should bring a Dreadnought.
    Kitten: ...Okay, not a bad idea.
    Magnus: YEEEEEH!
  • Unfortunately, Brothers Sterto and Dehisce are still dozing.
    Kitten: Really? REALLY? C'mon lads, you just woke up! What, five hundred years isn't enough? I need brawn! BRAWN!
    ???: DID SOMEBODY SAY... BRAWN?
  • Cue "Awaken My Quivering Abs" and the grand debut of the Custodian Dreadnought Santodes, a giant, musclebound, flexing Dreadnought with golden bishonen hair who is every bit as homoerotic as the other Custodes, and is equal parts a giant Jojo reference and Super Kami Guru.
    Kitten: Brother Santodes.
    Santodes: LITTLE KITTEN! IS THAT YOU?
    Kitten: It is your Captain-General, yes.
    Santodes: MMM. LITTLE KITTEN. IT IS GOOD - TO HEAR - YOUR VOICE.
    Kitten: I hadn't realized you were awake, Santodes.
    Santodes: MY MASTER AWAKENED MEEEEEEEEEEE!!
    Kitten: Yeah yeah, of course he did. Would you like to go on a mission?
    Santodes: FINALLY. MY THERMIC REACTOR IS PULSATING WITH EXCITEMEEEEEEEENT!
    Kitten: Alright, good, come along then.
    Santodes: BUT FIRST.... MY COGS MUST BE OILED. (Chapter Serfs appear, spraying oil on Santodes) AND MY LOCKS SHALT BE HYDRATED.
  • When Kitten gets his host together, Magnus has one question:
    Magnus: WHOA, hold on! (beat) Why aren't all of them naked?
    (beat)
    Kitten: I'm sorry to report, but not every Custodian stopped using their armour.
    Magnus: That's... disappointing.
    Pop-Up: [Everyone's reaction to the 8th ed. Custodes Codex]
    Santodes: AGREED! DESPONDANT FAAAILURES, ALL OF YOU!
    Boreale: Fehled!
    Unferth: The Emissaries would have stripped! If anyone had bothered to tell us to, but no one had the time to do that, apparently.
    Lockwarden: Look, let's be real. Wearing slick, black, gold-trimmed Allarus Terminator Armour is just as erogenous as wearing nothing at all.
    Santodes: THIS IS FAIR.
    Lockwarden: You honour us, Venerable One!
    Santodes: HU-MON-GOUS TER-MI-NAT-OR DADDIES!!
    Magnus: Never apply that inflection to the word "daddy" ever again.
  • Kitten mentioning he should change to proper Custodian apparel (rather than his current silvery wear) makes Magnus skip the lengthy process of disrobing all the metal armor and just psychically strip him naked. Again. In front of everyone he was about to take to the Mars mission.
    Lockwarden: What was she THINKING?
    Kitten: This was incredibly unnecessary.
    Santodes: LITTLE KITTEN, YOU MUST SQUAT MORE FREQUENTLY.
    Kitten: I am in NO NEED of constructive criticism!
  • Even in his formal armour, one of Kitten's pauldrons remains silvery, which Magnus explains is the "malignant power of Tzeentch roiling in whatever you wear."
    Magnus: No worries, leave the armour in a tube of Simple Green overnight and it should be fine.
    Kitten: Oh, brilliant, that's our preferred degreasing brand anyhow. Oil spills are far too abundant in this palace!
    Santodes: THERE IS PASSIVE-AGGRESSION IN THE AIR.
    Kitten: It's not as passive as you'd like to believe, Santodes!
    • Also something of an in-joke; Simple Green is the most recommended solvent to remove paint from plastic miniatures without harming them.
  • The Emperor tries to explain Karamazov's situation to the Fabstodies. The key-word being "tries."
    The Emperor: [Karamozov is] Not as much dead as... overridden.
    Beat
    Whammudes: Who is riding him?
    The Emperor: (Facepalm)
    Rogal Dorn: No one. He is riding his throne.
    Whammudes: oooOOOH! That's how he controls the throne! Aah! That makes sense, AND is blindingly revolting.
    The Emperor: Do you know what? Your lube-addled brain could never grasp my explanation as anything more than a bawdy double entendre. So there is barely a point in trying to describe to you my newfangled bond with Fyodor's body.
    Whammudes: (Lip smack) You are entirely correct in that assessment.
  • The tour guide from the last episode manages to Offhand Backhand Whammudes when announcing Magnus' return.
    Custodisi: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! The saucy spice boy returns.
    The Emperor: I summon PROHIBITION HAMMER. (telekinetically lifts a thunder hammer)
    Custodisi: Prohibitionsonlyeverexpanddemands- (WHAM)
    (Magnus appears in a flash of light)
    Magnus: Father?
    The Emperor: Son.
    Rogal Dorn: Brother!
    Magnus: Brother.
    Custodisi: Hot stuff!
    Magnus: What?
    The Emperor: Curtailment. (telekinetically smashes Custodisi with the giant hammer again) Proceed.
    Magnus: (staring at Custodisi on the floor) ...okay.
  • Just as Magnus feared the Emperor doesn't hold back with the chicken puns, even using his powers to create a psychic hand to slap his knee with.
    Magnus: Father! I have returned.
    The Emperor: With chicken wings.
    Magnus: And I bring news of both stellar and substandard nature— (notices he's holding a bucket of fried chicken) Wait, what, where the fuck did—??
  • When Magnus can't remember how to properly refer to Kitten, the tour guide, now eating the bucket of chicken that appeared in Magnus' hand, helps him out.
    Magnus: Thank you... you.
    Chronicler: My mind is no fortress! It is an open pasture ravaged by internecine conflict and chicken. (munch)
  • Rogal succinctly describes how the Fabstodes "helped" in the fight with Magnus.
    Rogal: In the end, they did not set up any fortifications, defied gravity for no reason, and were naked. They were really bad at helping.
  • After Magnus compares the Fabstodes to his brothers, "the asshole ones," they collapse in shame.
    The Emperor: Holy shit. Where did this word-shivved pile of corpses come from? I suspect fowl play. (psychically slapping his knee as a rooster crows) Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!
    Magnus: I fucking knew this would happen...
    The Emperor: I am funny.
  • Magnus is understandably displeased to learn that the Emperor, just like the incident with Karamazov back in episode 18, in fact knew the truth about everything.
    Magnus: Oh my gods, it's this again...
  • Dorn takes a moment to explain that The Emperor is playing Regicide to fulfill his own goals.
    Rogal: I hope you can follow this comparison, but I understand if you do not, for it is very esoteric.
    The Emperor: Wow. Baby's first metaphor.
    Rogal: I am not an infant. I am many years old.
  • And the Emperor apologizes, in his own way.
    The Emperor: Did not mean to ruffle your feathers.
    Magnus: You are inssssssssufferably cocky.
    The Emperor: So are you. (beat) But literally. (rooster crows, knee slapping resumes) Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!
    Rogal: Hah. That is funny. Magnus has the properties of a cock.
    Magnus: QUIET!
    Rogal: No.
    Magnus: No—YES! FUCK you, Dorn! I'm telling you about our journey now!
    The Emperor: Tell us of the plans you have hatched.
    Magnus: hHUURGHOKAY.
  • Everyone reflects on how "The Beast" broke Orkish naming conventions.
    The Emperor: Strange name for an Ork. Usually when Orks actually have names, the names are only there to highlight their identity as the utter apex of their rickety garbage fraternity. Like, for instance, "Big Boss Goldload Chairsitta."
    Whammudes: Or "Warboss Thighmasta."
    Magnus: Or "Bookbred Wolfsmasha."
    Custodisi: Or "Badstich Redthirsta."
    The Chronicler: Or "Gashmash Weedstasha Banana-Slam-mam-tab-maram."
    Karstodes: Or "Big Green!"
    (beat)
    Cutodisi: [miniscule snicker]
    Karstodes: No, I swear, that one is completely real, I was reading a book called Deathworld about the Catachan Jungle Fighters - check page 19 of that book, it is right there, I promise!
    The Emperor: You cannot read. You keep forgetting this.
    Karstodes: My glorious overlord, I am determined to learn!
    • And the worst part? He's right, the book he mentions, down to the page, really does have a Big Green.
  • Dorn is still blunter than a thunder hammer.
    Dorn: In the 32nd millenium... Vulkan existed.
  • Magnus comments that Vulkan had turned the planet into a Promethean Sun.
    Chronicler: Title Drop!
    Whammudes: Who is this Normal and WHY DID YOU LET HIM IN??
  • The story's summary is filled with Black Comedy, what with Vulkan incinerating the planet due to their worship of Eldar Exodites before promising to protect it from further harm. The paper cutout expression of the planet itself is hilarious.
    The Emperor: Preserving a world of charred corpses entirely out of guilt is a very Vulkan thing to do.
  • The way he finishes his story counts as well, being both blunt and completely accurate.
    Dorn: He sacrificed himself by tackling the Beast into the temple-machine's power generators, detonating them. Shattering the war machine in its entirety, and saving the Imperium from one substantially-sized issue... For a time. Then it came back. And there were five others. The War of the Beast was weird.
  • After the story, the Custodes mention considering the Primarchs their brothers - upon which Custodisi immediately asks if Magnus had ever heard of "Wincest", prompting the Emperor to delete him.
  • Whammudes after hearing The Beast get brought up, asks if they should tell The Emperor about how the Orks invaded Terra that one time. Karstodes responds with a Rapid-Fire "No!".
  • Rogal and Magnus are increasingly worried by The Emperor's inability to grasp how much time has passed.
    The Emperor: I expect [Corvus Corax and Vulkan] home by next month. So, in five years real-time.
    Rogal: I am planning on getting him a chronometer for his birthday.
    Magnus: He has a birthday?!
  • The Emperor allows Magnus to take a break, declaring that they will reconvene in 84 years.
  • It's revealed in the credits that the Cherubs are voiced by Zoran the Bear. Yes, really.
  • The ending, wherein we check in on Diomedes and Boreale fixing sandwiches for Magnus and get into a heated argument (Using sentence-mixed dialogue) over whether scones count as sandwiches or cakes. Diomedes eventually escalates the whole thing by slamming his hammer into Boreale's face.

If the Emperor Had a Podcast

    White Scars 

The Emperor, Rogal, Whammudes, and Custodisi explore the history of the White Scars legion.

  • Rogal's picked out a new wall name for himself - "Adorable."
  • Apparently, there’s a censor embedded in the device being used to make the podcast. It sounds like an airhorn, and the Emperor sets it off every few minutes. Hilarity Ensues.
    Rogal: Perhaps you could use this as an exercise in not overusing profanity, father?
    Emperor: Go [HONK] yourself Rogal.
    Emperor: Is there an option to censor everything Rogal says ever?
    Rogal: Shhh…I am “Adorable”.
    Emperor: You are most certainly not!
    • As a result of the above, the Emperor has to resort to increasingly silly pseudo-swears to bypass the filter, which constantly amuses the two Custodes and even Rogal, who we actually hear laugh a couple of times. At one point one of Rogal's retorts comes intertwined with an amused chuckle.
    • The censor also doesn't care for any mention of Chaos or the Chaos Gods, which is a problem since the historical record contains many instances of the White Scars fighting Chaos forces. This results in the Emperor demanding they come up with a clever euphemism for Chaos, and the coining of the term..."Choas". It also results in an unfortunate (and particularly loud) double-honk when Fucking Horus is brought up.
  • The Emperor's reaction to a description of the idyllic landscape of Mundus Planus/Chogoris: "Not nearly enough gold and factorums."
  • Whammudes getting crazy-excited and “having a speedstroke” while reading about Khan’s tactics as shown at 30:20.
    • Also, Whammudes accidentally saying “Goblin Throne” instead of “Golden Throne”. Everyone in-universe comments on it, and apparently Custodisi won't let him live it down.
  • During the podcast, one of the books reviewed (the Book of the Astronomican) has some... fairly notorious plot holes and errors in it. But, because it spells the White Scars as Whitescars, and the Emperor thinks that's how it should be spelled, he agrees with everything be book says, much to Dorn's increasing ire.
  • Taco Tuesday/Thursday/Friday. Serious fucking business, to the point of starting the Dornian Heresy because the Emperor and Rogal couldn't agree on which day was best for eating tacos.
    • The letter that starts the whole thing is pretty funny too, as it tells the tale of a planet plagued by civil wars for 10,000 years all because nobody could remember if the Emperor had once ordered them to celebrate Taco Tuesday or Taco Thursday.
    • Custodisi's attempt at not taking part in this squabble is not appreciated in the least
    Custodisi: Tacos are overrated. I personally prefer fajitas better.
    The Emperor: What are you, Malal 2.0? Stop being a contrarian for the sake of it or I will have you taken outback to mysteriously disappear as well.
  • They constantly make fun of Deamon Prince Voldorius, pointing out that despite being a champion and later daemon of Khorne his personal direct body count (not counting servants and nanobot weapons) is zero, suffering numerous humiliating defeats against even unorganized human rebels.
  • The Emperor notes how it makes sense for the White Scars to not have that many dreadnoughts, as you can't use the White Scar's Hit-and-Run Tactics with a lumbering dreadnought, you can only hit.
    Custodisi: Hit-and-waddle more like.
  • The Emperor mocks the rather bland name of Mundus Planus (Literally 'Plain Land'). Only for Rogal to note The Emperor's own much beloved planet literally means 'Dirt'.
    Emperor: [HONK] you, Rogal.
  • Much of the podcast itself is funny because since everyone (besides the Emperor) recorded in real time there's a fair deal of jokes made as a result of them goofing with one another. Sometimes it gets so out of hand that if someone starts laughing they sometimes crack into their actual voices when doing so.
    Whammudes: Yes, yes, the planet is called Mundus Planus—
    Custodisi Mundus Plane-us
    Whammudes: Will you shut up!? *Custodisi laughs*
  • During the Q&A session at the end, they receive a letter from an Ork. After trying to figure out what it means, they realize that an Ork is somehow inside the Imperial Palace, and the Custodes abruptly remember just what happened the last time that sort of thing occurred. Cue Whammudes lying through his teeth to assure the Emperor that everything is just fine while Custodisi is quietly checking with other Custodes to make sure there's no Ork Battle Moons in the sky over Terra again.
  • The little boy holding the equipment gets some funny lines too, highlighting just how uneducated the average imperial citizen is:
    • He initially thinks the White Scars are what you get when you cut yourself with a rusty knife. The Emperor actually finds it kind of amusing. He later declares his name is "Boy" after the child takes too long to introduce himself to his Emperor with his actual name.
    • He has no idea what a motorbike is, undermining the Emperor's point about why the White Scars would be terrifying for the average citizen.
    • He completely fails to understand the whole Choas workaround to bypass the sensor despite Dorn making it even more obvious than it should be.
    • Apparently his family dinners are so fucked up due to lack of resources the Rampagers' Blooding ritual, in which they scar themselves and then use the blood gathered in the following feast reminds him of his own meals.

    The Last Church 
  • Multiple times, Karstodes addresses Rogal as “Lord Adornable”.
  • The Custodes and Dorn are apparently so large that Boy has to sprint just to match their walking pace.
  • Karstodes, having missed the last few episodes and first podcast, is consistently thrown off by the decidedly more casual and irreverent attitude the other Custodes have adopted towards the Emperor.
  • The Custodes trying and failing to explain to the Emperor why the original story makes him come off as just bullying an old man.
  • Karstodes being extremely hostile to Boy to the point of gleefully offering to snap his neck and throw him out the window, to Boy's evident terror, is fine black comedy.
  • This gem:
    Emps: If you give me this information [from the Black Library] without a singular terrible innuendo I may consider listening to you.
    Whammudes: Certainly! You see, I was thrusting forth through the bowels of that clown library…
    Emps: As one of the ten thousand you could possibly be my biggest failure and you are living proof that eugenics does not work.
  • Rogal Dorn is Not So Above It All:
    Rogal: Rubbing things in is not my job. You have your Custodians for that. [Cue aroused snickering from all three custodians]
  • After the Emperor notices that “Tales of Heresy” features Angron on the cover:
    Emps:Wow. The highest form of irony is that I am fairly certain he never, ever cared for the act of reading. Or how letters function. Or how to hold things that cannot handle grip-pressure of 2000 kilograms per square centimeter.
    Rogal: “He instead highly enjoyed watching sitcoms.”
  • After a reference to a joke in the story about scotch being the "only spirit he'll believe in", the Emperor claims one of his secret plans is to awaken the nascent warp god of alcohol and become it's most fervent follower. This leads to an awkward pause when nobody can tell whether he's joking or not.
  • Custodisi does the unthinkable: calls the God-Emperor of Mankind an asshole for his treatment of Uriah Olathaire. Empy’s response?
    Emperor:OH.
    • Custodisi's persistent criticism eventually elicits this threat.
      Emperor: Cease the vibrations of your vocal chords immediately before I expand their mass and make you choke on them.
      (Beat)
      Custodisi: Choking is a function I have long-since transcended.
    • Karstodes reaction later:
    “Holy balls – all right – this is HIGHLY UNORTHODOX!”
  • Remleiz, aka Cyberdong the Techpriest shows up:
    Cyberdong: Hello? A humble collector of knowledge may be beseeching your word? Would you believe I may have read this story through the pict-feeds of your Custodian’s helmets? Would it be possible to now ask an obnoxious amount of questions about it?
    Emps: You are a creep but okay.
  • The hilariously drawn-out and painful-sounding way Cyberdong pronounces URSH.
  • When Cyberdong asks what is a Franc:
    Emps: Franc was a country known for it's production of striped shirts, the Napoleon Complex and the best Fist of the North Star dub ever. note 
  • This:
    Cyberdong: What is Tali?
    Emps: A pizza place.
  • Cyberdong calling the Emperor an asshole in his special roundabout way. Karstodes is having none of it:
    Karstodes: WELP, you are DEFINITELY going OUT the window! BEGONE YOU TRASH! [defenestrates Cyberdong]
    Cyberdong: What is a throw? [crash]
  • When it's revealed that Uriah is now a Chaos worshipper one of the custodians breaks character to call this out as disrespectful to the source material.
    Custodisi: I hate this, I hate everything about this, this is taking a huge dump over the entire being that was Uriah and the record in-and-of itself, why would anyone do this.
    • Also, when Uriah reveals himself to be a daemon, Rogal Dorn lets out a high-pitched, girly squeal of fright.
    • Custodisi, the custodian in question, is generally hilariously pissed off at finding out he's been playing Devil's Advocate for an actual devil, and the aforementioned breaking character was just one example of it.
    Custodisi: Damn it. I have been unwittingly defending someone who is now a literal daemon this entire voxcast. AH WELL. Time to go inject a promethium cocktail into my face and get interred into a dreadnought AIGHT BYE.
    • For those unfamiliar with Dreadnoughts, what Custodisi is essentially suggesting here is that he'd rather melt his face with Promethium, get hooked up to what amounts to a life supporting coffin with limbs and weapons and experience the agony of his melted face for the rest of his existence than face the awkwardness of having played Devil's Advocate for someone who turned out to be a Chaos Worshipper who is implied to have ascended to Daemonhood.
  • When Uriah starts getting warmed up in the debate the Custodians start to panic.
    Custodisi: Oh no, he has ACTUAL ARGUMENTS! Run for cover!
  • At one point the Emperor's response to Uriah's arguments is to just start repeating "REMOVE CHOAS" over and over again, to the latter's extreme exasperation.
  • When the Emperor tells the Inquisition to not murder any babies, Whammudes replies "Unless they are traitorous babies". Uriah gets outraged over the idea that a baby can be traitorous, and the conversation is hopelessly derailed.
    Uriah: A baby cannot be a traitor! A baby is a baby!
    Emperor: Oh your outrage truly is rich, Padre, considering your ex-religion invented the concept of "Original Sin".
    Uriah: Oh GODS, that's not similar in the least! You are all disgusting!
    Emperor: I question your judgment, Choas-Man. I am certain your church is made out of dead babies.
    Rogal Dorn: That is rather impressive. How did you build such a structure? The foundation must have taken you months to construct.
    Uriah: NO! My church is NOT made out of dead babies!
  • During the transition to the Questions segment, we find out the announcer is an actual character:
    Announcer: [QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS SEGMENT] ALSO HOLY [REDACTED] IS THAT A CHAOS WORSHIPER?? WHAT THE [REDACTED]
    Uriah: Wow, even the announcers are rude...
  • The Emperor finally manages to actually get Uriah to surprised and flabbergasted by admitting that yes, he kidnapped Magnus the Red (and got his soul back by repeatedly stabbing Tzeentch in the face).
  • After the Ork-sent message, the Emperor curses so much that he seemingly breaks the autocensor.
  • The final act that finally convinces the harried Emperor to toss back Uriah Olathaire back into the Warp? Said person declared that tacos aren't delicious enough to fight wars over which days to eat them.
    • The Emperor and Dorn's reasoning about why people can't just eat tacos on whatever day they want is a bizarre digression on the need for consent. From the tacos. With the implication that eating tacos outside the designated day is analogous to rape.
  • Boy takes one look at Cyberdong's mask and thinks it's Death coming to take Boy away. Karstodes also thinks Cyberdong is Death and encourages him to take Boy.
  • Custodisi and Whammudes would ship Emps/Uriah, "if that ship hadn't already sunk." Whammudes still wants to ship it even after learning that Uriah is a demon. Even Boy points out the heresy in that.
  • Dorn mentions the ranks of the Custodians in conversation... they are the damned tribunes of the Custodes (essentially the captains to the Captain-General's Chapter Master). Put in context this makes their antics even funnier since it means that Kitten cannot even control his direct subordinates, to say nothing of one of the commanders of the Emperor's guard being illiterate.
  • The discussion on the Big Bang:
    Rogal: Boy, do you know what the Big Bang is?
    Boy: S-sounds really... lewd.
    [snickering from the Custodes]
    Custodisi: Wow, you know what, it does!
    Emperor: Are you serious right now!? I was warming up to Boy but you are turning him to your side!
  • Uriah, not knowing about the censor, repeatedly shows annoyance over the use of 'Choas' as a dodge. However, once he actually tries to say chaos and trips the censor, he acknowledges why they were doing so in a apologetic tone.
  • Remleiz, the Cyberdong Techpriest, is clearly defective as he welcomes himself in with a "Hello". And then another, and another and another until the glitch fixes itself.

    Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys 
  • Helbrecht's voice is one all of its own; even with some actual canon backing it (the Helsreach audiobook and famous fan animation used it), no one in universe or outside expected the head of the biggest army of Space Marines and commander of one of the most powerful forces in the Imperium to sound like a preachy goblin gone berserk. The Emperor suggests he should probably take all the lozenges and everyone is quite pained to put up with his rasp.
    • Meta moment: In the video comments, Alfa reveals voicing Helbrecht did quite a number on his vocal chords, including severe pain, profuse sweating and according to eyewitness reports (his significant other) sounding "disgusting". Several comments honored his chords' sacrifice.
  • Near the beginning of the Podcast, the Emperor states the best way to temper Black Templar rage is to rip one of them away from their Eternal Crusade to bring him in front of them for an anger management class. Rogal, for once, is stuttering speechless.
    Rogal: No. NO! That is the— that- that is an awful idea. Actually it may be the worst idea.
  • Rogal calls the Emperor on his pathetic performance in the last voxcast, pointing out that he's seen Him talk down enemy armies using only Haiku before but this time he was barely making coherent arguments. The Emperor tells him he's wrong without any further explanation (beyond an overcomplicated version of "because I say so") and then badgers Dorn into dropping it. Also, they were senryū.
  • Helbrecht proves to be as Literal-Minded as Rogal, as evidenced by this exchange when The Emperor describes the Ultramarines.
    Custodisi: So uh... what's the punchline?
    The Emperor: There is none. I am genuinely sick of shitting on the Ultramarines.
    Helbrecht: You have shat upon the Ultramarines?! (laughs) Ahh, that would have been a sight! How do you even defecate, my Emperor?! I hope that it was not too hard nor too soft.
    The Emperor: Fucking dammit, Helbrecht, please be quiet in class.
    • The Emperor sends Helbrecht off with a reminder that he and his brothers should make sure to get their shit together before their new Battle Brothers arrive. Naturally, Helbrecht is Literal-Minded here as well.
  • As the Emperor is blasting the Black Templar's recruitment program, saying it's literally just Knights and Squires redux, except calling the squires "neophytes" and generally being rattled and upset it's been revived so far into the future despite its obvious flaws, Whammudes makes an unwelcome interjection:
    Whammudes: Excuse me, but aren't "squires" those silly, thin-limbed walkers that follow Imperial Knights around?
    *several-second beat*
    Emperor: [slowed down] My Imperium is so fucking stupid.
  • Though no taco-related letters were read, The Emperor still had to mention it.
    Emperor: If you take away anything from this, please let it be that you should never be controlled by you hatred, that you should never judge someone by their countenance, and that you should never isolate yourself in a void of cynical elitism. Unless your targets are Xenos. Or heretics. Or people who do not eat The Taco on Fridays.
    Rogal: Stop right there with your bad opinions, father!
    Emperor: A-I-G-H-T, bye.
    Rogal: TUESDAY!
  • Among the letters is the proposal for a Super Breeding Program for Emperor-like beings, which leaves absolutely everyone disgusted, confused or both. As for the Emperor?
    Emperor: *Pumps shutgon* Get Out! of my fucking palace right now.
    • Also a Brick Joke of sorts, as it's the same shutgon Rogal had cocked to shut Karstodes up at the beginning of the podcast.
  • Helbecht gets fanmail from a Necron Lord thanking him for his campaigns against a rival Necron Lord. He suffers a mental breakdown trying to process this, since aiding an alien is heresy, but refusing to kill them is also heresy.
    • His reactions to the Emperor's newly-imposed reforms are hilarious.
  • In the Q&A, someone riles up the Emperor again simply by asking if he's getting his exercise, who then proceeds to maim him offscreen
    Custodisi: "Hey Emps, how much exercise ya gettin'?"
    Emperor: Fuck you and your functioning legs, I will rip them off.
    [Screams and gory noises in the background indicate the Emperor actually carried that out]
  • Another Q&A moment: one letter simply reads: "I have a question for the Man-Emperor, where do I send it?"
    Emperor: I am so fucking confused.
  • While the outbursts the Custodians have is terrifying, the argument starts off with the sound of clanging silverware as Karstodes, Custodisi, and then the Emperor start to get into it. It sounds like they are a family around a dinner table having petty argument or a bunch of noblemen slamming down their tea cups and little stirring spoons instead of the most powerful men in the process of starting a potential Imperium wide schism over a philosophical division.
  • Helbrecht's continued unawareness that the Centurion is Rogal Dorn (As Rogal wears his helmet) leads to some great reactions. Like when he declares that the Eternal Crusader, the Black Templar's flagship was Rogal Dorn's favorite "spaceboat".
    Dorn: Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanx

    Inquisitor Draco 
  • Just as Foreshadowing, The Vox-Cast announcer designates this particular broadcast as Omega-Prioris and very clearly doesn't want to inflict its horrors on the people of the Imperium by giving them plenty of opportunities to back out of listening. He then snaps back to his usual bombast to give the Thought of the Day, which turns out to be him forbidding anyone under 18 standard years old from listening.
  • As this is the first Vox-Cast to feature slight animation, the viewers are now able to see the positioning of the cast. Whammudes is perched up on a pillar like a muscular, oiled-up gargoyle with the implication that that's been where he's been sitting during the Vox-Casts the entire time.
  • After the Awkward Silence that fills the room having processed what they spent this time reading, the literal first words that the Emperor speaks set his mood.
    Emperor: [[DUMPY GRIMBO.]]
  • The group finds out that the author, Ian Watson, wrote a novel called Orgasmachine. This explains so much of the novel to them in hindsight. They then spend a lot of the review openly kink-shaming the author and suggesting he was typing one-handed the entire time. They also have a Running Gag about how Stanley Kubrick had expressed interest in making a film version of the novel, expressing utter disbelief over the very idea.
    • Mancclesiarch Decius sometimes slips into his old vocal habits after reading particularly Squicky passages in the book.
    • Magnus, however, found the entire thing to be So Bad, It's Good, with one passage in particular causing him to struggle through reading it.
      Magnus: He muses that there are "millions dead, and here I munch," and that although the genestealers are losing this fight, that fact is but "sugar on the porridge of death"!!
    • Boy, meanwhile, could use a serious dose of Brain Bleach after being subjected to the novel.
      Boy: my one eye may be blind, but the black pit still sees... it sees shadows, beings past our reality, and the book has enlightened me as to their true nature...
      Rogal: I have changed my mind! This fetish pornography is definitely worse [than the book Lorgar wrote].
      Boy: tentagls...
    • Magnus then asks in an insane, hysterical manner if the tentacles have been telling him to burn things. Just the delivery is great enough as it is.
  • In the first prolog of the second edition the in-universe narrator expresses shock and revulsion that an Inquisitor would openly travel with a Squat. The crew wonders why the inquisition didn't just edit it to say he was a rogue techpriest, as they did elsewhere. The places where it was done elsewhere was in the even later versions of this very book and in it's sequels (yes, there were sequels; the collective is called the Inquisition War trilogy).
  • Draco confusingly writes the prologue in first-person but the rest of the book in third-person. He compares this to the True Name clause and even handily provides an example. Magnus reads it and accidentally summons a very confused Daemon.
    Thlyy'gzul'zhaell: Where am I?
    Decius: Oh my lord!
    Emperor: Fuck off.
    Thlyy'gzul'zhaell: SHIT! A GIANT SKELETON!
    [The Emperor casually obliterates him]
    Emperor: No Daemons in the throne room, Magnus.
    Magnus: ...No promises are made.
  • Rogal suggests that they not take the time to point out everything they find objectionable, as that would take at least a week and Boy would starve. Boy candidly says not to worry because he could drink his own blood to survive. After a Beat, Rogal responds with a genuinely baffled Little "No".
  • Rogal Dorn finds it increasingly difficult to keep Boy from learning awful things thanks to this book and the present company around him. For context he reaches a point where the only other time he's been heard yelling as loudly was when he first revealed himself in his attempts to get the Emperor to not talk about the Space Wolves.
    Whammudes: Jaq Draco then proceeds to have an internal monologue about-... about how-... how much he wants some of that GENESTEALER PUSSY.
    Everyone: [P A I N]
    Whammudes: That is a statement I will NOT repeat and already regret having said!
    Boy: ...Gussy.
    Rogal: NOOOOOOOOO!!note 
    • He's not kidding either. The book actually goes into great detail over Inquisitor Draco's Perverse Sexual Lust towards his retinue's Callidus Meh'Lindi, even in her Genestealer Hybrid form. TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING 
    • There's also the fact that something dirty managed to Squick Whammudes out so much that he regrets saying it out loud. Whammudes.
  • Boy's continued quoting of Whammudes as he reads the more obscene passages of the book eventually prompts Whammudes to suggest that he become a Custodian. Rogal does not take this well at all.
    Rogal: Boy! Stop quoting him! It is forbidden!
    Whammudes: Hey, Boy! Perhaps you should become a Custodian! You're still young enough to be torn apart and reconstructed by the alchemists.
    *shotgun cocks*
    Rogal: I will risk a window to have your bulbous frame thrown out of here.
    Whammudes: ...Oh.
    Magnus: Wait, how are you holding that shotgun?
  • When the Inquisitors in-story prematurely declare victory after moving against the genestealer cult, the Emperor gets on them for being sloppy.
    Emperor: As any Inquisitor will tell you, there is rarely any reason to assume that an evil is truly vanquished. Obispal therefore strikes me as a proper jackass, concluding his investigation without making sure all is truly well.
    (beat)
    Rogal: Father...
    (beat)
    Rogal and Magnus: Lorgar.
    Emperor: Shut the fuck up you tube-gremlins.
    Magnus: [Gremlin laugh]
  • Because Karstodes is still learning how to read, instead of picking up Inquisitor, he instead picks up a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone because it also had a character named Draco. It takes most of the podcast for anyone to bother correcting him, and it's Boy who does it.
    • Karstodes runs off crying when he learns Harry Potter is a work of fiction and the characters aren't real. Apparently the same thing happened when Whammudes read him The Giving Tree.
  • The book's Ikea Erotica tendencies come to a head in the sixth and twelfth chapters, the former having the Narrator reluctant to even give the chapter title, and the latter having Wamuudes squicked out.
  • One chapter even goes on a little tangent to explain that the main character's crush ended up getting sacrificed to the Golden Throne...
    Magnus: ...He uses this as a flimsy excuse as to why he's sexually repressed, this record taking its every chance to talk about every person's desire for THE SEX! Because Ian Watson is a free spirit not bound by what would make a book "good" in the conventional sense, only focusing on what he, himself, wants to write about! And isn't there something quite liberating in that kind of mindset?
    Whammudes: No! No! NO! Not when you're recording an Inquisitor's investigation into a potential Choas Incursion, one of the biggest threats known to man! This is not relevant information!
    Magnus: (cracking up) Do not listen to him, Ian Watson, or any would-be scribe out there! Follow your heart, not a formula!
    Whammudes: Stop! We require no more sewer goblins writing about their arcane sexual afflictions!
    Magnus: YES! We DO!
    Whammudes: (anguish)
    Boy: i will... learn to write...
    Dorn: What have you done, Magnus?
    Boy: inguisitr leech-person will have his day in the sun...
    Karstodes: Shut up Boy, no one who can read would want to read that, and I CAN read, and I can tell you that no one would want to read that! So there!
  • When the book reaches the part where Inquisitor Draco seeks entry to the Imperial Palace, everyone in attendence argues over who would be the one to violently eject him via a window. Everyone.
    Boy: if i were strong enough, i would destroy him...
    Rogal: Do not worry, Boy. Someday in the future you may grow strong enough to defenestrate foul, depraved, secret Inquisitors.
    Boy: [sound of childlike wonder]
  • Dorn repeatedly has Boy cover his ears during unneccessarily explicit scenes, but the damage has been done.
    Boy: i could still see the images in my hollow eye...
    Dorn: (dismayed) Nooo...
    Boy: ger hairy spidr tattoooo engulfed him...
    Dorn: Why does this book curse us so?
  • After a Purple Prose filled description of a window and a lamp, the Emperor finally snaps and completely gives up on the framing device that this is supposedly a historical record and makes several direct criticisms of it's failures at basic story structure and pacing. His rant gets increasingly angry and frustrated before finally being punctuated by him loudly declaring that "this book is bad". Its so forceful that the projector depicting Ian Watson's meeting with Stanley Kubrick shatters. He then flatly denies that the conclusion, where Draco met him personally, ever happened.
  • There's a Crosses the Line Twice moment where everyone makes fun of the ridiculous exaggerations of how bad life in the palace is for the menials and child laborers... only for Boy to confirm that they're completely true, casually imply one of his friends died in an industrial accident inside the workings of the Golden Throne, and mention his siblings were trampled by crowds while working as food vendors. This causes everybody to experience a moment of horrified realization, and Decius especially to suddenly comprehend just how privileged his life has been.
  • Dorn asks Magnus his opinion on which days tacos should be served, Tuesday or Friday. Magnus declares Taco Tuesday is on Friday. The Emperor takes exception.
    Emperor: FUCK YOU. TURN THE CAST OFF RIGHT NOW.
    Magnus: THE POWERS OF CHOAS PREVAIL!!

Bro Trip 40,000

    Catachan Capers 
  • This episode introduces occasional info-boxes to explain obscure bits of lore, or simple bits for the uninitiated. On occasion they become phenomenally snarky.
    Info-Box: DAEMONETTES ARE NOT GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL YOU DUMB IDIOTS THEY WILL EAT YOUR FACE
    Info-Box: Astropathic communication has varied results.
    Astropath Sassafras: Nqumetsz- SOMETHING, WHATEVER!
    Info-Box: It's usually pretty shit all things considered.
    • The info-boxes don't seem to have a good opinion of the Raven Guard's rituals in general:
    Vulkan: Well! Considering the circumstances I would say we celebrate this momentous occasion!
    Kayvan Shrike: Yes, yes. A fine idea, Lord Vulkan! I suggest we mount a 19-day long silent vigil-
    Info-Box: This is something the Raven Guard actually do. Lazy shits celebrate stuff by taking 19-day long naps (essentially)
    [...]
    Kayvan Shrike: To merely survive here is a feat as taxing as the most gruelling of Raven Guard trials.
    Info-Box: One of the most important Raven Guard trials is to catch a bird in the forest. Gruelling.
    • The info-boxes has this to say about the Damocles Gulf:
    Info-Box: *The Damocles Gulf was a highly contested War Zone the Imperium tried to defend from invading T'au forces under Commander Shadowsun.
  • Vulkan has not let up on the bone-crushing Bear Hugs in the least.
  • The Catachan Jungle Fighters were fighting said daemonettes... in the snow. The Lampshade Hanging was saying that this was a the result of the Imperium screwing up the deployments.
  • While waiting for Straken to come back, the Primarchs and their entourage decide to go out and "enjoy nature" as suggested by one of the Catachans.
    Vulkan: Come, brother! While we wait, let us tour through these magical woods!
    Corvus: *sigh* Right. Fine. Let us tie tree boughs together for a makeshift cat o' nine tails.
    Vulkan: ADVEN-*Suddenly flying into the air for no perceived reason*-tuuuuure!
    • This, of course, goes rather badly for poor Corvus, who's definitely not used to nature:
    Vulkan: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoh! This planet humbles me to no bounds! Tank-sized scorpipedes, platoon-eating plants, and trench foot for the power armoured!
    Corvus, filthied and neck-high in mud: WHY DO PEOPLE LIIIVE HEEEEERE.
  • Corvus has some issues with the fact that the Catachans lack much in the way of weapons or armor, leading to this exchange.
    Corvus: On Deathworlds where venomous animals, poisonous flor and acid rains rule, covering your skin is surprisingly important.
    Vulkan: Did not our friendly fluorescent brother Ferrus do something similar, ya know, brandishing the sheer might of humanity by showing off his [suddenly Ork!Vulkan] FLASHY MUSCLES ALL DA TIME!?
    Corvus: That is because said muscles were permanently covered in living metal. Besides, if his sons in the Iron Hands got to decide, every single soul on this forsaken planet would carry cybernetics the likes of which would make Colonel Straken look like an unsoiled newborn.
    Ghost!Ferrus: FLESH IS WEAK! WEEEAAAK!! [punched down by Vulkan]
    Vulkan: The real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite you dumb ghostface idiot.
  • A minor shot taken at Game Workshop's recent renaming (and general abundance of names for the Imperial armies):
    Corvus: So, politics are to blame. The Commander of the Imperial Army-
    Tu'Shan: Imperial Guard.
    He'Stan: Astra Militarum.
    Corvus: THE WALL OF GUNS, requires this planet, and its elite troops, to prove a point.
  • The entire scene where Vulkan encounters a Catachan Barking Toad. Straken explains that the things are dangerous and will explode if disturbed, but if they carefully move away from it, they should be safe.
    Corvus: I don't want to believe you... but I do. Vulkan, step away from the frog.
    Catachan Barking Toad: Ribbit.
    Vulkan: I would like to pet this creature.
    Corvus: ...Don't do that.
    Vulkan: It would be but a single boop on its noggin!
    Corvus: Do not boop that merry suicide bomber.
    Vulkan: I want to boop de snoot!
    Corvus: Stop wanting!
    Vulkan: But-
    Corvus: Stop!
    Vulkan: Must-
    Corvus: VULKAN.
    Vulkan: But boop!
    Corvus: NO BOOPING!
    Vulkan: (extreme slow-mo booping) BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
    Corvus: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
    Straken: Noooooooo!!
    Harker: (screams like a redneck)
    He'Stan: (Screams Like a Little Girl)
    Shrike: (screams like an eagle)
    (Vulkan's fist hits the Barking Toad with a squeaky toy sound)
    Barking Toad: Ribbit. (detonates in a cloud of toxins)
    Vulkan: Hahaha! (faceplants)
    (beat)
    Tu'Shan: (bawling) Vulkan's dead! Again!
  • A Greater Catachan Barking Toad somehow snuck on top of Corvus Corax's head without anyone noticing. The Raven Guard are both incredulous and shamed at this.
    • It almost stops being funny when it's revealed that the Greater Barking Toad will go off like a toxic nuke and Corvus flies as far up as he can to save the lives of his comrades at the cost of his own. Then Sly fucking Marbo leaps out of the trees screaming like he always does and punts the Toad off of Corvus' head, saving him.
      • The reasoning that the Catachan Jungle Fighters give to explain how Sly fucking Marbo can fly though the air: his muscles are so aerodynamic and his knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy allow him to simulate it. That would also mean that his appearance during the Heroes of the Imperium short started with him catapulting himself from Catachan to another planet entirely.

    Atillan Assault 
  • The entire episode kicks off because a menial worker named Clancy has a dream of killing a Primarch. That's all the explanation he gives, in a very cheerful tone at that.
  • Tu'Shan emerges from the wreckage of Marbo's Glutes with a "Forsooth, what in yon FUCK happened?!" And when Vulkan appears, he's cheerful and chatty even with his head burned down to the bone, which slowly regenerates over the next half-minute.
    Vulkan: I LIVE!
    Tu'Shan and He'Stan: VULKAN LIVES! (stomp-stomp!)
    Vulkan: Tu'Shan and He'Stan live!
    Tu'Shan and He'Stan: WE STILL LIVE! (stomp-stomp!)
    Shrike: We too have survived, my Primarch.
    Colonel Straken: Not my first time falling from orbit. And it certainly won't be my last!
    Tu'Shan and He'Stan: EVERY IMPORTANT PERSON LIVES! (stomp-stomp!)
    Corvus: Stop that.
  • Corvus' increasing exasperation over the situation, from his [sigh of unconvinced cynicism] to facepalming with [jaded exhaustion].
  • Straken knows they're on Attila by the freezing desert they've landed in, and then some of the local wildlife shows up, a herd of Ovigors, giant oxen with bony heads who scream at a disturbing pitch.
    Vulkan: Look, look! Lookie here! Look at what I found! Aren't they just the most adorable things ever?!
    Ovigor: (screams in Vulkan's face)
    Vulkan: Kind of stinky, though.
    Straken: Ovigors! That confirms it, they're usually hunted by the Attilans for food—
    Ovigor: (screams in Straken's face)
    Straken: These ones seem remarkably savage.
    Corvus: (sigh) Vulkan, get back, it might explode.
    Vulkan: (already clinging to one's back) Friend!
    Corvus: Why do I even try?
    Tu'Shan: Art thou dying my lord?!
    (Vulkan's Ovigor gallops over to the others)
    Vulkan: (cheerfully) This creature does my bidding now!
    Corvus ...Why?
  • When some "horse friends" show up, Corvus mistakes their leader a shrunken Jaghatai Khan, while the other Attilans superstitiously attack Vulkan, which he takes in stride.
    Vulkan: I am being stabbed.
    Tu'Shan: What art you savages doing to our Primarch?!
    He'Stan: FORGEFATHER SMAAASH!!
    Attilans: Primarch? (double take) ...Shit.
    Vulkan: Don't worry, horse friends! I would hug you, (Orks out) BUT YOUZ SMELLZ!
  • They reach the planetary capital to try to send an astropathic message to the orbiting fleet before it bombs Attila, but hit a snag. And Corvus Corax reaches the end of his rope.
    King of Khanashan: We have but one Astropath my lord, but... she's an ass.
    Shrike: That's quite candid.
    ("Starass" trots up)
    Shrike: A bit too candid.
    Corvus: Is that a donkey.
    King of Khanasan: Starass is the most powerful psyker on the planet.
    Corvus: How are we supposed to... make use of it? (beat) Do you people speak Horse?!
    King of Khanasan: Alas, the equine tongue has no way of wording the, uh, concept of planetary annihilation.
    (beat)
    Corvus: (deadpan) All the rage I have ever felt has risen from my flesh like a steam of disbelief. (collapses) We are doomed. Your dream has come to fruition, Clancy.
    Clancy: I'm so happy!
    Vulkan: No! To ZOG with Clancy! He has no concept of friendship! He fails to even grasp its true power! (embraces Starass)
    He'Stan: Why are you grabbing that ass, my lord?!
  • When Vulkan and Starass manage to send a message to the fleet, Corvus resonds with "Hooray. More life." When Vulkan clarifies that a missile has already launched, Corvus sighs "Fucking finally."
  • The Cyclonic Torpedo launched to exterminatus Attila reads: "Please Die :D"
    Vulkan: Attilans! Are you ready for your last rough ride?
    Attilan: ...It just came to me how many awful sex jokes I've missed out on. But aye! FOR ATTILA!!
    Vulkan: FOR. THE. EMPEROAAAAAGH!!!
  • Of course Vulkan destroys the incoming warhead by jumping out of an aircraft and hugging it.
  • Clancy escapes while everyone is celebrating the day being saved.
    Corvus: Seriously, why does no one notice anything happening today?!
    (a charred Vulkan plummets from orbit onto the back of his pet Ovigor)
    Vulkan: FR.. IE... N... D...
    Corvus: Hope you noticed that, at least.
    Tu'Shan and He'Stan: VULKANLIVES! (stompstomp!)

Shorts

    Short 1: Kitten Gasping 
  • Kitten's gasps eventually degrade into loud shouts, he falls out of character, and lampshades the hell out of it
    Kitten: I'm fucking Link from The Legend of Zelda now, fucking hell. I'm gonna wake up the neighbor's baby.
    The Emperor: *Wearing a bonnet and a pacifier* *Crying noises.*

    Short 2: The Emperor Experiments With His Text-to-Speech 

    Short 3: Why Kitten Hates the Tau 
  • The Emperor reveals to us why Kitten hates the Tau: Shadowsun broke up with him, due to having to uphold the Greater Good and possibly because he has tried to make love to her forehead.
    The Emperor: You want to talk about this?
    Kitten: THIS IS NOT FUCKING CANON!

    Short 4: Decius Breaks the News 

    Short 5: Luscious Lucius Prankz (GONE HERETICAL) 
  • Lucius the Eternal returns in all his hilariously disturbing glory, this time with his own prank-playing show.
  • First, his attempt to kiss an Eldar backfires, and he ends up getting his crap kicked in by an Eldar Wraithguard. Which he naturally enjoys.
    OW! STOP IT, IT'S JUST A PRANK! OO, AGH, Oooh~
  • Then, he finds a psyker boy and proves how easy it is to dupe some poor kid into thinking you're a harmless partner only to reveal yourself as a predator.
    "I WAS THE LITTLE GIRL ALL ALONG! DO I FULFILL YOUR FANTASIES~?"
  • And finally, he force-feeds a sandwich to a hobo. One made of freshlynote -milked daemonette milk and sand (it's a SANDwich after all), all in the guise of charity.
    "Everyone will appreciate it as we make the galaxy a better place. CUE THE DRAMATIC GUITAR MUSIC! I AM A FUCKING SAINT!"
  • Alfabusa's comment on the video: "Remember how I said the last short was officially the dumbest TTS video ever of all time? I LIED."

    Short 6: Requiem for Dominique 

    Short 7: The Imperial Law 
  • The short starts with the Emperor trying to scare Rogal with the fact that he's a skeleton, on the basis that skeletons are the scariest of frameworks, only to be told that honor goes to the Imperium's legal framework.
    Emperor: Please do not tell me the Lex Imeperialis has been fucked over.
    Rogal: ...Define "ruin."
    Emperor: I am not going to define shit. Get bent. Drop dead. Pop a knot. FUCK. OFF.
    • By refusing to define a word for an Imperial "of high political stature", 511 passages in the law dictate that the Emperor should be sentenced to death by phosphex bath - and a summary kick to the jaw.
  • Rogal shows the Emperor his (outdated) copy of the Book of Judgement. It's large enough that he sometimes uses it as a support beam.
  • The Emperor has a small scale meltdown to the rapid expansion note  of the Lex Imperialus that, unlike his warp storm tantrums, can only be described as abject horror.
    Emperor: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Oh no, oh hell to the fuck no. [...] By Zoas' high-voltage willy this is utterly unacceptable. Quickly Rogal, make it illegal to make new laws. Time is of the fucking essence Rogal go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go.
  • The response, with or without context, is hilarious in its own right.
    Rogal: I am go.
  • Just hearing Rogal referring to the High Lords, crotchety old men that they are, as youngsters. He's one of the few that can.
    • And the reactions from the High Lords are simply disappointment (with the Grand Provost Marshal breaking down in tears). Sounds like they really enjoyed their jobs.
      Grand Provost Marshal: But... but- making new laws... that's... my favorite thing!
      Master of the Administratum: Aw, well, fiddlefucks. I guess clown goblins are legal after all.
      Commander Militant: FUCK YOU, MAGNUS.
  • After complaining about the book claiming every word is his own (impossible for several reasons), the Emperor proceeds to ask a pertinent question.
    The Emperor: Also, what is the material this book is made out of?
    Rogal: Human skin.
    The Emperor: *Violently rockets the book across the room with a crash* Fucking ew.
  • The Emperor keeps trying to get the kind of back-and-forth routine he did with Kitten and Magnus going, but Rogal flatly refuses to put up even a token defense of the Imperial legal system. The Emperor eventually gives up while expressing his disappointment. And then he gives a skeletal shriek.

    THE FINAL EPISODE (April's Fools) 
  • Fucking Horus acts like a hammy Saturday morning cartoon villain in every way.
  • After the Emperor attempts to kill Horus again, he gets knocked down:
    Chucklefucks! And I was so happy to have meaty bits again...
  • Horus' list of allies, several of which appear in blatantly Stylistic Suck manner (The Beast looks suspiciously like an action figure, Herman Von Strab, the Megarachnids and the Old Ones are cartoonish drawings, Old One Eye is just a zoom-in on his tabletop model, as is Sly Marbo)
    The Beast! Goge Vandire! The Squats! Sindri Myr! Herman Von Strab! The Megarachnids! The Old Ones! The Techno-Barbarians! Old One Eye! And... SLY MARBO!
  • Magnus attempts to remind Horus that he was his ally, only to be cut off by Evil Gloating.
    Horus: I'M THE EMPEROR NOW! AHAHAHAHAHA!

    Heroes of the 41st Millennium: Sly Marbo, The One-Man Army 
  • When Sly shows up and starts slaughtering the Dark Eldar like lambs to slaughter one Warrior is just as much confused as he is terrified.
    D. Eldar: 'VECT'S DICK, WHAT IS HAPPENING!?"
    Sly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *Tackles the warrior off screen*
  • The only thing that Sly Marbo ever says is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. And it seems that one point, he actually weaponizes his shouts, as well as possibly using his own subtitles as a bludgeon.
  • Facing a dilemma, Marbo has tiny angelic and diabolic versions of himself appear at his side. Their advice? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Short 8: Crotalids 
  • The episode begins with Kitten playing Call of Duty (which sounds oddly similar to Spyro the Dragon) with Indrick Boreale and Apollo Diomedes. Who voices these space marines? Nobody, their lines are all sentence mixed!
    • Of particular note is when Kitten explains the situation to Indrick and Apollo.
      Kitten: Indrick, Apollo. I'm sure you've heard stories of imperial navy vessels showing up weeks or even years after entering the warp.
      Indrick: Yes, we have.
      Kitten: That's the situation we're stuck in thanks to father Magnus, you can thank him.
      Magnus: (coughing) Oh my god...
  • Magnus breaking into a full-on Steve Irwin impression at the sight of a Crotalid. Companion is utterly confused.
    • At the opening, Magnus is instead channeling Chuck Yeager, with his last "uhhhh" drawn out to being Hell Is That Noise. Not to mention he begins by addressing his passengers as "languid bastards", and abruptly calling the ship's course a "HELL RIDE WITHOUT A PADDLE" with all the gusto of an excited cowboy.
  • Kitten is absolutely baffled by Magnus going further and further into Steve Irwin mode.
  • The titular crotalid makes the same noise as the Kritters in Donkey Kong Country.
    • When it's revealed that crotalids travel in massive herds, Magnus insists that Kitten/Companion play his didgeridoo in order to calm them. And it works... it just so happens didgeridoo music also attracts megarachnids. Also in massive herds.
    • Before Magnus reveals the didgeridoo attracts megarachnids, Kitten and Boreale try and guess what it is.
      Kitten: Chaos Space Marines?
      Indrick: GAmERs...
    • While charming the crotalids with the didgeridoo, Kitten starts improvising music, which the crots sing along (and is subtitled as [it's improv] ). One of the songs he plays is Megalovania, the other is the Crash Bandicoot main theme.
      • ThunderPsyker actually starts corpsing a little when he starts playing Megalovania.
    • Magnus putting Diomedes into a timeout box becomes hilarious if you're familiar with the Blood Ravens' lore, because they are all but outright said to be loyalist descendants of the Thousand Sons, meaning that Magnus is literally their gene father, and he's putting his son in timeout.
  • The simple fact crotalids are canon has to count for something. Huge crocodiles that just happen to be able to migrate through Hell for no conceivable reason at all are completely canon. Sometimes dedication to the source material pays off like that.

    Miscellaneous 
  • The Felinids are great for that panicked laughter that comes from not knowing what else to do.
    • Before the ambassador shows up:
      Guardsman 1: Oi mate! Aren't they that race o' Cat People?
      Guardsman 2: Oh yeeeeh, das roight! That's excitin', innit?
      Guardsman 3: Aw Yeah lads! We're gonna get some Catlady action!
      Guardsman 1: Terrific Terra! You're roight!
      Guardsman 2:Ooh, that's what's excitin', innit?
    • After the ambassador shows up.
      Guardsman 2: [escalating fear]
      Ambassador: HELLO
      Guardsman 1: STOP IHIHIHIIIIT!
      Guardsman 2: [not the face]
      Ambassador: HELLO
      Guardsman 3: I can't bang that...
      Ambassador: I AM -
      Commander: No one can save us from this grimdark future... NO ONE.
  • The Grey Knights discover the Wulfen/Alfabusa's reaction to the new Wulfen
    Grand Master Covan: DIGGANOBZ...
    Grey Knight 1: ... Absolve me of my negligence, Grand Master, what was it you sai—
    Covan: DIGGANOBZ!
    Grey Knight 2: ... N-no, I'm fairly sure those are Wulfe—(gets hit with hammer)
    Covan: FOOLS! BEHOLD! (holds up a picture of the new Wulfen, and a picture of the Digganobs)
    Grey Knight 1: Grand Master, I do not wish to be brash... but these fiends are not Ork cosplayers, they are vile Space Wolves who have succumbed to their unclean geneseed and turned into menacing beasts! We have to hunt and purge the—
    Covan: FAHCK YOU! (holds up a picture of a Wulfen painted like a Digganob) DIGGANOBZ!
    Grey Knight 1: ...Affirmative, Grand Master. They are indeed Digganobz.
    Covan: GOOD.
    • Then, Alfabusa in the comments:
    Yet another piece of evidence that supports my theory that the 40k design team are slowly crawling back to 2nd Edition and Rogue Trader.
    Goff Rockers when?
  • The Origins of the Flesh Eaters Space Marine Chapter
    • Space Marines can gain knowledge and insight by eating the flesh of their enemies, and the appropriately-named Flesh Eaters take it to a natural extreme... because they tried to eat Orks, which are essentially mushrooms, resulting in a hallucinogen-induced vision of Sanguinius. When their commander asks what he most desires...
    Sanguinius: HUNGER FOR BUUURGEEEEER. HEEEEERETIC BURGEEEEER.
    [cheers of unfathomable joy]
    Commander: Yes! Yes!! Our true purpose is clear! Eat! EAT!! BUUUURGEEEER!
    • Worse still when the Emperor himself, wishing to see his precious hawk-boy again, joins the fun, literally slurping up Ork limbs like spaghetti to see his long-lost son again.
  • Iron Warriors and Imperial Fists Don't Like Each Other
    • The fact that the entire argument is over a sand castle that the Imperial Fist is building, and the Iron Warrior is smashing with a shovel, just to spite the Fist, eventually culminating in them just screaming "FORTIFY!" and "SIEGE!" over and over as they rebuild/destroy the sand castle.
  • The Gate of Morkai
    • The inspiration for the video comes from the Space Wolf novels by William King stating that part of initiation into the Space Wolves involves facing temptation by Chaos via the titular gate. Or, to summarise:
    Wolf Priest: You walk through this archway. A squid will scream at you. If you get a boner, we're killin' you.
    • And the squid in question?
    Tzeentch: Hey, son! You want a change of ways?
    Initiate: WHOT IS THIS?????
    Tzeentch: I can get you a cheap haircut and a cool new financial advisor if you give your soul to the empyrean!
    Initiate: NOOOOO!
    Tzeentch: The throne is falling! Enjoy your economical instability!
    • The fact that despite the initiate remaining flaccid throughout, the censor bar over his groin reaches his knees.
    • Apparently Chaos has an even more formidable tool than a cheap haircut and a cool new financial advisor:
    Wolf Priest: Good thing they didn't use the WOLF TITS ON YA THO. Then you'd be right fekked, boy.

Specials

    Special 1: Kitten and Emps play a Children's Card Game 
  • When Kitten refuses to immediately go out and unplug Roboute Guilliman's life support, the Emperor challenges him to a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker over it. Kitten makes the mistake of complaining that he doesn't know how to play "Paradox-Billiards-Hyperbole Chips Poker."
    The Emperor: I will have a Tech-Priest give you the knowledge instantly through the power of science.
    Tech-Priest: (hits Kitten over the head with a mallet)
    The Emperor: There you go.
  • The Fabstodes are initially delighted that Kitten will be banished when he loses and plan on taking his place as the Emperor's caretaker, until Emps informs them that he's making it an Ultra-Game and will banish the lot of them to Ultramar if Kitten loses.
    Karstodes: KITTEN! You are our only hope! Ple-he-he-hease win!
    Custodisi: If you win, we won't steal your lunch for an entire week! I swear!
    Whammudes: No promises are made!
    Kitten: Fine, I'll try to play, I guess. As long as you look away when the whole "strip" part comes into play.
    Whammudes: No promises are made!
  • The other Custodes are reduced to Combat Commentators, with Cutodisi only able to ask "How his Kitten ever going to win NOW?" in an increasingly strained and inarticulate voice, until it sounds like he's having a stroke.
  • Only three cards into the Emperor's turn and Kitten can see the shape of the game to come.
    Kitten: I'm sorry, but isn't that super cheap? I mean, why wouldn't you have those cards in your deck? There's no reason not to.
    The Emperor: I am the Emperor and thus destined to wield the very best cards humanity has ever created.
    Kitten: Including the broken ones?
    The Emperor: The meta is not exactly merciful in the Warp, sunshine.
  • The summoning of Mega Ultra Chicken is accompanied by an overpowering glow.
    Karstodes: It... it's so bright!
    Custodisi: Are the legends true?! Is Lord Emperor really summoning it?!
    Whammudes: This light reflecting upon my glistening skin is BLINDING MEEEEEE!!
  • Karstodes gets to remind Kitten to "believe in the heart of the cards!"
    Kitten: (deadpan) Cards don't need to circulate blood.
    Whammudes: The heart is but one muscle you must believe in, Kitten! The tongue, the pecs, and the firm buttocks - all too are integral parts of the card you must put your faith in!
  • As the Emperor's first turn taking forever playing overpowered after overpowered card Kitten finally gets fed up with how ridiculous the entire situation is and he starts to sass the Emperor.
    Kitten: You can't have a game with a card THAT overpowered in it.
    The Emperor: Only I have one so it is fair.
    Kitten: (blatantly fed up) Does anyone even play this game except you?
    The Emperor: ... Tzeentch does.
    Kitten: Well, Tzeentch is a giant nerd now, isn't he?
    The Emperor: Shut up and make your move. I need you to get to Ultramar now, before the dishes stack up too tightly.
  • Despite the Emperor's long string of stupidly overpowered cards, Kitten is able to defeat him with two cards - Giant Trunade to put all the Emperor's traps and buffs back into his hand, and Wind-Up Kitten to put the Winged Warrior of Terra back into the Emperor's hand, leaving him defenseless.
    The Emperor: WAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWA-
    Kitten: And yes, Wind-Up Kitten! Attack his life points directly with your... wind-up cat attack.
    (Wind-Up Kitten meows and rings like a bicycle bell, before smacking off the Emperor's face, depleting his life points)
    Karstodes: He, he did it! Kitten actually did it! We're free!
    Custodisi: I am surprised by his immense fortitude! Truly this was a great battle of wits!
    Whammudes: I was promised stripping, but there was none. They just p-played a fucking children's card game, I mean - [blue-balled sigh]
  • The realization that the Emperor plays such a poor game that he needed to use stupidly overpowered cards - and still somehow manages to lose.
    • To add salt in the wound, one of the cards played by the Emperor, the Golden Castle of Stromberg, is so broken it technically doesn't even exist. The version The Emperor is using is an anime-only variant created solely for cheating by a computer, the real equivalent isn't nearly as broken.
    • The Emperor built Kitten's deck too, and in the process of giving him cat-themed cards just to insult him, absentmindedly gave Kitten exactly what he needed to counter his own game-breakers.
  • "This spin-off was dumb. Let us never speak of this again."

    Special 2: Warp Hijinx 
  • Just to set the tone, the whole thing kicks off with Leman Russ welcoming the Inquisition to living in what he calls a "Shit-ridden galactic Fjord."
  • One Stormtrooper brings up that The Warp isn't galactic, showing surprising knowledge of it's properties and nature. However, this prompts the other Inquisition members to plot his demise and Leman to call him a nerd.
  • There are too many moments in the roll call to choose. So here's the whole thing.
    Grey Knight: The Grey Knights and the Ordo Malleus, present! We shall search out and kill ALL OF THE DAEMONS!
    Inquisitor: The Ordo Hereticus, present. We're going to kill that Stormtrooper in a bit. Unless he explodes by himself. Like the others... [possibly aroused snicker] note 
    Canoness of the Order of Our Martyred Lady: The Sisters of Battle of the Adepta Sororitas, present! Well, some of us at least. The Ecclesiarchy breaking apart and everything else drove some of us a bit MAD. But uh... yeah anyway PURGE THE HERETICS!
    Adrielle: Ordo Xenos, present! We're here to kill GENESTEALERS~! *The Inquisitors around her cheer like school children*
    Calato: Deathwatch, represent. Lion for Life, dogfucker. *other Deathwatch Marines gasp and recoil*
    Taurox: [TAUROX SPEAK] note 
    Kaldor Draigo: *Appearing out of nowhere with an army of himself.* ORDO DRAIGO PRESENT. WE WILL PROVIDE THE HAMS!
  • The Reveal of exactly why Leman asked to know about the Ordos and Chapters present: to gleefully tell them why they have no chance and are going to die.
  • When Leman gets to berating Calato, he uses a Space Marine version of the Navy SEALS copypasta.
    Russ: Well, first off, you're probably not used to the whole "killing things that aren't Tau or some other pansy species" thing. And second off.... You. Dark Angel.
    Calato: Just stop breathing. I can smell the ammonia from here.
    Russ: What in the wolf did you just howlin' say about me, you little milksop? I'll have ye know I was throned at the top of my tribe in the Kingdom of the Russ, and I've been involved in numerous executions of traitor Primarchs and I have over 300 million confirmed kills! I am trained in wolf warfare, and I am the top C. Q. C. Expert in the entire Imperium. Ye are NOTHIN' to me but just ANOTHER NANCY LIONLOVER BITCH.
    • Later, once he's thoroughly drunk, Calato approaches Russ to apologize calling him his uncle. As Space Marines generally consider themselves the children of their Primarch, so calling Russ his uncle is fairly accurate. Russ just rolls with it.
      Calato: *Slurring* Look, I'm...I'm sorry—[Cough]—bwugh. Oooh, I'm...I'm sorry for what I said before, I...It was just the old Dank Angels/Sparse Dogs rivalaraly...I didn—uugh—BUGHR—I didn't uuh...mean it personally, ya know? You're still my, uh...You're still my uncle, right?
      Russ: *Reassuringly* I am still your uncle.
  • Leman talking to the Adeptus Sororitas:
    *Sound of a glass breaking*
    Canoness of the Order of the Sacred Rose: That is literally the absolute worst thing you could have said. Thank you.
  • If you pay close attention, when the Ordo Xenos leader asks the question 'Do they steal genes?', the line briefly changes genes to jeans.
  • Leman on the Imperial Guardsmen.
    Russ: I feel that yer very presence is enough to show why ye really shouldn't be here.
    Guardsman: I agree. *Explodes randomly*
    • Once Russ has finished summing up the faults of everyone present except himself, Draigo and Fyodor:
    Russ: The lot of ye are not gonna survive a single sunrise in the Warp at this rate.
    Fyodor: There are suns... in the Warp?
    Draigo: (floating above them and shining golden) I AM ONE!
  • Leman's attempt at Warp survival training appropriately amounts to getting utterly wasted on alcohol made from Bloodthirster ichor and combat drugs and then going off to troll daemons. Which somehow WORKS.
  • The fact that Leman's homemade brew generates a palpable aura of Menace serves as one. Even better is Fyodor's reaction.
    Fyodor: *clearly worried* What are those beverages made of?
    Russ: This is my attempt at remaking the good ol' recipe for Fenresian Ale by combining Bylestim note  and the distilled liver-juices of a Bloodthirster!
    Fyodor: Are you telling us to literallly drink liquid chaos?
  • Everyone's reaction to getting drunk of Leman's ale is pure gold.
    Adrielle: Ooooh myyyyy... *Collapses to the floor* Broodlord-kuuuuun~...
    Grey Knight Inquisitor: SSSSSÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅSSSS!
    Inquisitor: WEH, Wheere did I get this mask from anywayyy?
    Canoness of the Order of Our Martyred Lady: *Drunkenly* You're the Heretic.
    Canoness of the Order of the Sacred Rose: *Also Drunkenly* Naw Gurl. You're the Heretic.
    Canoness of the Order of Our Martyred Lady: Nohohoo, you're the heretic.
    Canoness of the Order of the Sacred Rose: waAAaw... What is the definishun of a heretic anyway?
    Canoness of the Order of Our Martyred Lady: Noooooo! You're the heretic.
    Fyodor: Oh... oooohhh... holy thrones on a... throne on a... throne... I feel... AMAZING.
  • Skarbrand hates everything. Including being outside. Or inside. He'd rather stay in the doorframe; he hates that slightly less.
  • Leman killing a Daemonette by blue balling it. Crosses over with Awesome.
    Fyodor: YEHEHAAH! I give that 15 out of 10...virus...bombings...
    Grey Knight Inquisitor: SSSSSÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅSSSS!
  • How does our merry band of drunken idiots mess with Epidemius, Tallyman of Nurgle? Bombard him with bar soap and an entire bathtub.
    Epidemius: Excuse me, that is incredibly offensive, could you stop—*An onslaught of soap is thrown at him—OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • Kairos, Vizier of Tzeentch, is asked by Adrielle if he's a Genestealer. Being Kairos, he answers both yes and no. Terrible idea when facing the Ordo Xenos:
    Kairos: I am Kairos, Vizir of Tzeentch. Ask me anything, but be advised - one head speaks the truth, and the other lies.
    Adrielle: ARE YOU A GENESTEALER??
    Kairos: No.
    Kairos: Yes.
    Adrielle: I KNEW IT [ATTACK SCREAM]
    Kairos: AAAAAAAAAAA! NO!! NOT THE FACE!

    Halloween Special: Shadows Over the Immateriums 
  • The Halloween special Shadow Over Immateriums is mostly a combination of a film noir hardboiled detective story with Lovecraftian horror involving Genestealer cults and the Tyranid invasion played nearly completely straight and humor free, but toward the end, right as the detective Bruce Norring is about to be infected by the cult...
    Norring: I'll never be a slave to genestealers!
    Adrielle: Did someone say.... GENESTEALERS?! (proceeds to burst through the Warp and destroy the entire cult in seconds.)
    Norring: Who are you? WHAT ARE YOU?!
    Adrielle: ....drunk. Bye-bye now~! (disappears into the Warp again)
    • As everyone stares in disbelief at Adrielle's return Draigo pops up out of nowhere.
      Draigo: HI INTERNET!
  • As an example of the Hive World's inhabitant's cruelty, we see two guys in the street arguing. Or rather, we see one guy shouting at another guy voiced by a clip of Gordon Ramsay
    Hive Worlder: LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN! FUCK OFF FUCK OFF-

    The Slaaneshmas Prologue 
  • The origin of Slaaneshmas: while torment and pain are perfectly adequate to sustain Slaanesh, he/she/they/it subsist on all strong emotions. Thus, to prevent the meal from getting samey, his/her/their/its followers try to spread joy through the universe as a change of pace. The problem is that they're really bad at it.
  • Lucius's plan to broadcast to everyone in the galaxy using tech borrowed from Bob. Or as everyone else knows him, Fabius Bile.

    Special 3: Slaaneshmas 
  • Lucius uses the mass broadcaster device in order to force everyone in the Imperium to watch his show. It manages to surpass his prank show in audacity.
  • Draigo shows up at one point in all his ludicrous glory. The kicker? He was invited to be there, he just didn't wait for his cue.
  • After a brief incident with Draigo and a commercial pause, Lucius can be seen smoking several blunts at once to calm down. Ahriman? He's huffing the dust off a Tome of Eldritch Lore.
    Lucius: Oh, wow. That's pretty brutal.
    Ahriman: Get on my level, scrub.
  • Apparently Lucius has mixed up the contact information of Kharn and Sly Marbo before. How does he know he didn't do it this time? Sly Marbo actually showed up and completely fucks things up.
    Ahriman: Are you sure you didn't mix up his contact details with Sly Marbo's again?
    Lucius: Nope! I'm 100% certain of that!
    Ahriman: How come?
    Lucius: Because SLY MARBO IS HERE RIGHT NOW! *Rumbling starts and intensifies rapidly* GIVE IT UP FOR OUR NEXT GUEST!!!
    Ahriman: OH SHIT!!!
    *CRASH*
    Sly Marbo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    Lucius: *Garbled through broadcast interruptions* FIGHT ME, BITCH!
  • Fabius Bile shows up in person and manages to blow all the other insanity out of the water. First he announces that he'll be doing a solo Black Crusade without Abbadon.
    Lucius: Well, I mean... I guess it's not like you're short of Super Soldiers to bring along, right?
    Fabius Bile: Oh no, I ain't doing that.
    Lucius: [genuinely confused]] Pardon?
    Fabius: I did say this was a SOLO Black Crusade, dog. I'm doin' this shit by MYSELF.
    Lucius: Oookay, time out for a second, the dick are you talking about right now?
  • Fabius doesn't take being questioned well.
    Lucius: That...that wasn't what I-
    Fabius: In fact, just to prove my point: Ladies and motherfuckers, here before your eyes, is Ahriman 2.0!
    Ahriman: Hey, you leave me out of this shit-
  • Then he unveils his attempt to clone Ahriman, freaking out both of the hosts, before getting into an argument with the original about caring for their son.
    Lucius: WHAT THE UNHOLY LORDY LOO?!
    Ahriman: WHAT IN TZEENTCH'S BLUE BALLS IS THAT?!
  • The various scenes of people reacting to Lucius' show. First Magnus and Kitten, then Emps, Rogal, Decius, Karstodes, and the tech priest from Episode 24. Most of whom are filled with Bile Fascination.
    Kitten: It's like that feeling when you see a jetbike crash and there are broken bodies and blood flying everywhere and you just can't look away even though you want to.
    • Rogal, Decius, and Karstodes are lounging in front of the Golden throne on bean bags.
    • For the first time since his introduction Rogal actually gets legitimately angry about something. Is he furious because the enemies of man are forcing all of humakind to watch their twisted show? Nope! Is he furious becaus said show is a nonsensical trainwreck that seems to only get worse the more one watches it? Uh-uh. The real thing that makes him so angry is because Lucius keeps breaking perfectly well-crafted desks for the sake of a gag. He then admits that he's only there because the others have snacks.
  • Lucius's musical number over a montage of alien murder.
  • Toward the end of the special, Ahriman explains that this is the one day where the servants of the Chaos Gods will not commit atrocities on innocents, and explains that even after ten thousand years of the Long War, there is still one thing that unites the Forces of Chaos and the Imperium of Man: Literal xenophobia.
  • The final scene with Magnus and Kitten.
    Magnus: Alright companion, put on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I relate to him on so many levels!
    • It gets even better. Zegram, Magnus' VA revealed this line was actually a blooper! The comment is actually pinned at the top of the video to boot.
      Zegram: THE RUDOLPH JOKE WAS JUST A BLOOPER, ALFA YOU RASCAL
      Alfabusa: It had to be included to keep in line with the very likely theory that Magnus is a giant reference to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer except with tragedy and space and no reindeer.
  • The show finally concludes, the Emperor is ready to go back to mourning Sanguinius, and Decius remembers one mild, fourth wall-stressing detail...
    The Emperor: This abomination of a show has come to a close. Now I can go back to saying "Sob" repeatedly.
    Karstodes: Do you think people will actually go along with this crazy idea?
    Rogal: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
    Decius: Wait, didn't Sanguinala end, like, three months ago?note 
  • The Emperor appears to be using his glass eye as a movie projector.

    Special 4: Kitten and Tzeentch play a Children's Card Game 
  • Right off the bat, we get Magnus referring to Nocturne as "the Salamander's hidey-hole" in an adorably sing-song voice.
  • Magnus trying to get Kitten to play Ouija, who thinks it's called the Luigi board. And apparently even forty thousand years in the future, it's still made by Hasbro.
    • The actual conversation itself, and its subtitles is hilarious:
    [Magnus pulls down the Ouija board]
    [beat]
    Magnus: In-corr-ect
    Kitten: [heart-rending] Oh.
    Magnus: This! Is a Ouija board!
    Kitten: Oh, sweet!
    Magnus: Yes indeed!
    Kitten: I've always wanted to play luigi board.
    [awkward pause]]
    Magnus: Never say these words again.
    • And then there's his reaction to being told he has to place his hand on the planchette for it to work, backed by Luigi Circuit slowed down.
    Kitten: (almost seductively) Let'sa go...
  • Kitten refuses to place his hand on the planchette.
    Magnus: But why though?
    Kitten: I must firmly grip my weapon ever and always.
    Magnus: But why though?
    Kitten: As a Custodian Guard, I must be ever-vigilant.
    Magnus: Are you even capable of letting it go?
    Kitten: No.
  • Tzeentch forcibly morphing Magnus into his canon model (to help drive model sales).
    Magnus: AAAAAAAARGH I HAVE NIPPLES ON MY HEAD!
    • Later Magnus realizing he can't change himself back.
      Magnus: ALIRGHT! Time to...t-tou...Time...to...eeeuuuuUUUUUUHHH NOOOOOOO! I can't turn back to normal! Oh, no, no, NO! Father is gonna make so many CHICKEN PUNS at my expense I'll go—[inhale]—FULL-ON HORUS HERESY MARK TWO ElectricBoogalooNowInStores.
  • The subtitles seeming incapable of telling if Tzeentch's vocalizations count as a laugh... or what any of his vocalizations are for that matter.
    [possibly laughing]
    [possibly a mollusk imitating a turkey]
    [still not sure if this is a laugh]]
    [most likely screeching tires]
    [perhaps a snide old lady?]
    [holy shit stay away perchance]
    [a barely contained snigger or something]
    [probably SWOLE TURKEY]
    [supposedly laughes in eldritch]
    [probable discontent]
    [presumed to be screech of HATRED]
    [OH FUCK STAY BACK]
  • Tzeentch trying to drag Magnus back home. Magnus proceeds to act like a stubborn child and throws a tantrum.
    Magnus: Nowannago!
    Tzeentch: We're going!
    Magnus: Nooooooooo!
    Tzeentch: Stop or I'll put you in time-out, young mister!
    Magnus: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
  • In contrast to Tzeentch's genuine interest in the idea that Kitten knows how to play the game Magnus throws a massive lampshade over the entire proceedings.
    Tzeentch: Reeeeally now? So that loony shaman-chassis actually packs you trivial beings with such cranial capacity... Hmmm... It is rare for mortals to master such an intricate clash of the minds.
    Kitten: This is the opposite of true.
    Magnus: The only thing intricate about this game is its ban list.
  • When Kitten intervenes, Tzeentch calls him a "silvery doorstop," then "silverware."
    Kitten: I'm not silvery.
    Tzeentch: Or are you? Boop!
    (Kitten turns silver)
    Kitten: Aw, how ghastly...
    • Funnier still is that there were a few times before this where Kitten managed to catch himself and not protest, knowing damn good and well who he's dealing with.
  • Tzeentch naturally agrees to duel Kitten in a children's card game for ownership of Magnus' soul, but ups the ante by making it an Ultra-Game, in which the loser will be banished to the Shadow Real- er, Ultramar.
    Kitten: Okay, for real though, what's with the beef about being sent to Ultramar?
    Tzeentch: I don't know, but the Deceiver says it flippin' sucks, dude.
  • When Morphing Jar activates and Tzeentch starts going through his deck to find another monster card, he flicks his cards into the gravewarp one by one, saying "flick" each time, until...
  • Magnus is exasperated when Kitten's "Magic Turnade" seemingly derails Tzeentch's strategy.
    Magnus: Oh wow! A massive play undone by a SINGLE card. Only in a children's card game—(beat, Magnus clicks his tongue) You know what? I play Red/Blue. I am NOT allowed to criticize here.
  • When things look bad, Kitten remembers to "believe in the spleen of the cards."
  • Magnus ruins Tzeentch's fun when Kitten realizes that Tzeentch has been reading his mind to check out his cards.
    Kitten: Wuh—wait.
    Tzeentch: What?
    Kitten: Can you hear my thoughts?
    Tzeentch: Oh, what are thoughts, really?
    Magnus: Yes he can!
    Tzeentch: Screw you, Magnus!
  • When Magnus runs interference to level the playing field, Kitten solemnly thanks him and vows to "never forget this day, in which you helped me help you by winning a children's card game."
  • Kitten turning Tzeentch's pointlessly circular questions back on him by, when the game looks like it's about to be decided by a coin flip, shooting the coin so it lands in his favor. Turns out the Architect of Fate can dish it out, but can't take it.
    Magnus: (mockingly) Oh look, it's tails.
    Tzeentch: Hey! I saw that with all twelve of my eyes!
    Kitten: Saw what?
    Tzeentch: (with images of giant crying babies in the background) You cheated! You shot it while it was in the air so it stopped spinning somehow!
    Kitten: (conceited sniff) "Cheated," you say?
    Tzeentch: That's. Against. The rules.
    Kitten: What are rules really though?
    Tzeentch: AN INTERESTING QUESTION ASSHOLE!!!
    • Another thing about this to note is that while Tzeentch's background becomes crying babies in this scene, Kitten's is filled with smug babies.
  • Kitten wins not by trying to outsmart Tzeentch when it comes to mind games, but by calling upon the mortal virtues of sacrifice and brotherhood... in the form of playing a lot of cat-themed monster cards.
    Tzeentch: What are you trying to prove with this line of pathetic creatures?
    Kitten: I am demonstrating to you the true power of the Imperium, through the use of small, fluffy animals!
  • Kitten tries a Pre-Mortem One-Liner as he cinches the game against the Master of Mentalism and Lord of Fate.
    Kitten: Looks like you gotta change your mind!
    Tzeentch: ...That's AWFUL!
  • In the end, Kitten belatedly remembers what the stakes of the game were.
    Kitten: By the way, do I technically own your soul-
    Magnus: ALRIGHT!
  • The two decide to "play a card game that is actually good." Kitten says he wants to play Call of Duty... while pulling out something with the cover art of Battlefield, but with Halo as a title, for the original Xbox.
  • Though it is subtler, and needs a little Genius Bonus from those who actually play Yu-Gi-Oh!, there is also the realization Tzeentch only got as far as he did because practically every single card he used was a Game-Breaker banned from normal play. Have a look.
    • Also, if you look closely, up in the right hand corner is a list of all the cards in Kitten's hand. They only go away after Magnus blocks Tzeentch's mind-reading powers. So yes, Tzeentch was literally using a cheat tool to read Kitten's hand.
  • Kitten's voice during the duel inexplicably becomes deeper, as if he's channeling the Pharaoh (Or possibly the Emperor). He even says "Reborn the Monster" instead of "Monster Reborn!" No one makes note of it and it changes back immediately after he and Tzeentch stop playing cards.
  • The fact that Wind Up Kitten is effectively Kitten's signature card. Kitten, when forced to discard his hand, is mostly concerned about the loss of Wind Up Kitten, who gets a short shot of falling into the abyss, and is later the monster that delivers the final blow to Tzeetch.

    Special 5: Just Aeldari Things 
  • Some spectacular mood whiplash while Eldrad is being somber about his race's survival, while walking in front of an unusually vocal mural:
    Eldrad: This really is not the time for tomfoolery, though. The Despoiler gathers his forces in the Eye...
    Abaddon mural: FUCK YOOOOOOOOOU!!!
    Eldrad: The children of man stir and breathe anew,-
    Emperor mural: [Skeleton Shriek]
    Eldrad: -eons of corrosion shuffled off...
    • Said mural will go on to periodically scream in the background every now and then during the entire video, including the credits.
    • Added hilarity: Abaddon is voiced by Takahata101! He also screams again when his name appears in the credits.
  • The entire chat between Eldrad and Vect is full of hilarity, mostly because Vect is an epitome of Faux Affably Evil and milks his own utter evil for all it's worth, not to mention has a blast trolling the shit out of Eldrad.
    • Vect gets bonus points for two things. One: His entire party being a massive excuse to off half of Archons in attendance with the rest being collateral, Vect himself leaving as the gas starts filtering in, and Two: Vect's refusal to even lift his arms to imbibe in his wine, instead making a disturbing looking slave creature called "Timothy" pour it into his mouth. Vect's bodyguard seems disturbingly into watching this happen.
    • A very specific (and dark) example: The Dark Eldar are playing "pin the tail on the Mon-Keigh"(incidentally, in case you haven't noticed, Mon-Keigh don't have tails).
      Human screams horribly offscreen
      Vect: Oh hoo, well that is a fun color!
  • A meta one, from Alfa's twitter:
    Alfabusa: I'd like to point out a thing that might be my favourite part of the new video. It is the fact that I forced StringStorm to make me an original speedcore track for Vect's party. 'Cause If there's anything the Drukhari would listen to, it'd be god awful, horrifying speedcore. The thing that makes it even funnier is that String doesn't want to release the track on his channel 'cause speedcore just doesn't deserve the time of day, which is 100% understandable.
    • StringStorm himself did end up releasing it later, full of apologies and jokes about the Dark Eldar's terrible, terrible taste. Even the song itself amuses, you can practically taste the Stylistic Suck.

    Meta 
  • When Vaults Of Terra, a channel dedicated to explaining the lore of Warhammer 40k, posted a video about the Adeptus Custodes, Bruva Alfabusa himself apologized to the creator of Vaults Of Terra after most of comments in the videos were of users quoting the Fab Custodes.
  • Zoran The Bear recording a rather messed up line for Leman Russ and not realizing what it meant until it was too late. It's about literally bloodthirsty daemons of Khorne going after and eating out Sisters of Battle on their period. Zoran, Alfabusa, and Karl even show up in the comment section to weigh in.
    Zoran: so nasty
    Alfabusa: For more context: He is speaking to Sisters of Battle. I am horrible, yes.
    • The line shows up properly in Warp Hijinx, and context makes it even better.
  • Related to the second short; the VA for Kitten actually dislikes the Tau quite a bit (though probably not as much as his character), and rather than risking him saying 'no' to recording the short, Alfa actually concealed what the recorded lines were for.
  • The "40k Theories" channel did a special analysis on Kaldor Draigo. Specifically, the completely batshit crazy TTS version of him.
  • In the comments of Kitten and Tzeentch Play a Children's Card Game Kiwi, Tzeentch's voice actor, showed up and gave a little behind the scenes peek at his stance on the episode.
    Kiwi: During recording, Kiwi was told this is actually how the game plays. He still doesn't believe it.
    Alfabusa: It's amazing isn't it? AmazinGLY SHIIIIIIT.
    • After being told about the certain cards used in the episode don't function the way they were portrayed in the actual game.
      Kiwi: Your statements that specific cards don't work that way just makes Kiwi feel more and more like the game isn't real.
    • After the same person rattles off just how many cards in the episode were banned, how many monster effects were misrepresented, and how many rules were actually violated Kiwi finally realizes that Magnus wasn't kidding in the actual episode.
      Kiwi: So this game is actually a banlist simulator.
  • Nostalgia chan reads a funny Parody Sue story about Cato Sicarius, written by Cato himself! It ends with the Emperor destroying the only copy of the story while Cato screams a Big "NO!".
  • The "OneMindSyndicate" channel did a "40 Facts About 40k" video on Sly Marbo. The first six minutes are AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
  • One of the Q&A videos for the cast states that all the Primarchs in the TTS universe are extremely well-hung. And have fantastic asses.
  • [SLAANESHMAS IS OVER] , a bit over a minute of the Great Horned Rat going fucking insane on camera and hawking his own day before collapsing into a coughing fit. Alfabusa sums it all up as, essentially, "blame Zegram" (Magnus' voice actor).
    • Adding to the hilarity is the fact that some of the captions seem to be actively apologizing that this is happening.
      The Great Horned Rat: SLAANESHMAS IS FUCKIN DEAD DEAD!!
      (The Great Horned Rat makes a loud noise and dabs as the captions read [I'M SORRY])
    • Alfabusa in the comments: "Zegram is to blame, I only wrote the script, put together the audio, commissioned the artwork and made the video a reality, he was the one telling me I should do it on Twitter, I am basically innocent and also barely involved. He is the one you should assault, disgruntled Slaanesh fans, he is the giant rat who made all of the rules aaAAa"
  • Magnus and Leman Russ finally meet, and decide to finish things once and for all... with a thumb war.
  • This video, which was posted in the days leading up to the finale of Season 2, features Alfa being attacked by Karl in the middle of the night as the former works to finish the episode. As Alfa slaps his keyboard, the Emperor is actively telling him to stop making the episode and to run because "the apocalypse" is coming. He continues to warn him, even asking if Alfa can even hear him when he doesn't leave.
  • By some wild coincidence, the short "The Origins of the Flesh Eaters Space Marine Chapter" was uploaded the very same day the Horus Heresy model for Sanguinius was revealed.
  • Tabletop Boys - Warhammer 40,000: Kill Team Battle Report Custodes vs Tyranids, a video Alfa was paid to allow on his channel due to the Tabletop Boys lacking one, It's a hilariously incompetent game of Kill Team played by Herknes Dragonblade, a whiny fanboy who hates anything "goofy" in 40k and is obsessed with his narrative which he spent three months planning instead of the actual game, Sluggard Cybersson, a complete Rules Lawyer whose obnoxious adherence to the rules gets his name, face and voice redacted from the video, and Charles, a farmer who isn't really interested in this sort of thing and who brings random assortments of household objects he says are characters because he's trying to save up for a tractor and who refuses to speak much English in favor of his native Swedish. It's actually an April Fools prank featuring Alfa and a couple of his friends playing caricatures of Tabletop players, with the exception of Karl the Deranged who is portraying just a regular guy. They can be heard corpsing at several points during the video.
    • Alfabusa went do far to make a Twitter account for 'Herknes Dragonblade' starting a month before April 1st and boy...it is a sight to behold.
  • When Stringstorm's "40k Idols" series got to Shadowsun her song is all about her relationship with Kitten and how she wants him back. It also makes it crystal clear that she was his domme and they were into petplay.
  • On September 7th, 2019, the TtS crew collabed with GoEatATowel, a moderately famous youtuber best known for his compilations of funny and/or bizarre 4chan threads to give us this.
    • The premise of the video: The Emperor came across 4chan's 40K board while searching Magnus' computer for porn, and was so utterly disgusted by what he saw that he is now forcing the entire Imperium to watch the simulator and share the pain.
    • When an anon claims that Erebus did nothing wrong, the video screeches to a halt in order to give a Long List of his crimes.
    • One anon goes on an angry rant accusing Mephiston of being a Mary Sue. Their anger is sensed by Mephiston himself, who nonchalantly admits to his Blood Angel bodyguard that this happens "every hour or so".
    • Another anon starts describing, in vivid, explicit detail, Salamander themed pron. Tu'shan has none of it.
    • An anon posts fanart of Kitten and Shadowsun, causing Kitten to literally break through the screen and scream that its not canon.
    • By the end of the video, the sheer insanity of the board has turned the Emperor into Jevil, complete with his quotes and battle music. How do Magnus and Kitten turn him back to normal? By spinning.
    • The ending. Dorn turns out to have been in the throne room the entire time and witnessed the entire video, which he quite accurately describes as "Cringe". Emperor is horrified that Dorn used that word and even knows what it means. Then its revealed that the Emperor has apparently been holding Alfabusa himself hostage before nonchalantly declaring the video non-canon as Alfabusa hysterically pleads to be let go.


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