Michael Hazen James McIntyre (born 21 February 1976) is a hyperactive British standup comic focusing on observational humour. Also a frequent guest on Panel Games. He is known for being subject to a dissonance between being popular in the general public but hated by many critics for being 'too conventional' or 'too safe'. His best known routines are probably the "Man Drawer", that time when the dentist couldn't get his tooth out, his claim that skipping while swinging your arms gives you Super Speed at the expense of looking a bit stupid, and the revelation that any word can be used by a posh person to mean drunk: "gazebo'd", "car parked".
Contains examples of:
- Affectionate Nickname: Ozzy, for his youngest son, Oscar
- Anthropomorphic Food: One of his bits is about different spices talking amongst themselves in a cupboard, complaining about their lack of use in comparison to salt and pepper.
- Camp Straight: His usual manner, often lampshaded.
- Curse Cut Short: In his tale about the dentist, he gets one off to the anesthetist who says "Yes, I know exactly who you are, my daughters are big fans... my wife and I, not so keen."McIntyre: I was like 'You mother-' [mimes fainting]
- Deadpan Snarker: Despite his usual hyperactive manner, he is given to moments of wry, sardonic wit.McIntyre: I've heard that sex and curry can induce labour. Unfortunately, it kind of got me and my wife kicked out of the Raj King.
- Eye Tropes: Despite having no known East Asian ancestry, McIntyre has "Chinese eyes", which he sometimes mentions.
- I Am Very British
- Large Ham: Just when you thought he reached how loud he could get, he always manages get even louder.
- Ridiculous Exchange Rates: Referenced when he miscalculated an exchange rate, giving all his remaining local cash to a helpful guide in Dubai, thinking it was worth £90 - then, on the plane home, realising it was actually worth 9p.
- Sharp-Dressed Man: Always wears a suit.
- That Came Out Wrong: An attempted 'innocently quirky joke reply' which came out as implying he was a paedophile:Mother at playgroup: Which child is yours?McIntyre: Oh, none of them.
- Who Names Their Kid "Dude"?: Has a routine about this, trying to find a fake name for his child weird enough to stop people from automatically saying 'what a nice name' when told it, including "Adolf" and "Laser Child of Mine".