Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

@ Parable:

Thanks for the reassurance! I do recall there was an ill-fated "Neutral Character Critique" thread, but it fizzled out and sank to the bottom. I wasn't sure how I felt about resurrecting such an old thread just for the sake of one character who doesn't really fit with the thread, but now that I know others have pushed the lines, I'll just post him eventually and see what happens.

So, I promised that I would review Winterbird's character when I could, and that time is now!

First of all, I can definitely understand why Ravenlocks believe in the concept of destiny—-the way his backstory went, it really does seem that he was backed into a corner where there was no choice to choose between a number of terrible fates, and honestly it seems like he wound up with all of them.

Honestly, his backstory really broke my heart and sort of reinforced why depictions of The Fair Folk have always creeped me out, especially the malicious (or at least alien to our understanding) ones that seem to love twisting and tangling the fates of mortals. It truly is a tragedy what happened to him and his grandparents.

yet at the same time, I can't help but think of it as an inspiring tale, since he made the best of what he had, picked up the pieces and continued to move forward...since, I suppose there is nothing else to do after all.

I'm curious about his Witch's Mark and what he does with that—-does he lock himself up or isolate himself from his family until the desire to devour them passes? How strong is this curse and does it drive him to seek them out if he is away from them? Either way, what a horrible thing to happen and for all for nothing at the end of the day.

It makes perfect sense for him to retire as a huntsman after his husband essentially became a beast of sorts; it would be hard to pursue his career after that, coming home to view his husband after he spent the day surrounded by blood and slaughtered beasts. Is the curse a permanent transformation or is it more like a werewolf who changes sometimes and returns to human form?

Either way, a good character with a rich and very sad backstory, but someone who definitely seemed to make the most of a terrible and unfair situation, which is always inspiring.

• Name: Galen Nash

• Age: 15

• Personality: Galen is a brash, somewhat surprisingly naive despite some outward cynicism, and impulsive teenager whose sense of right and wrong are skewed due to his membership in the Umbral Religion. He's more easy to resort to fighting and attacking an adversary for doing something bad as opposed to seeking some form of recourse. He tends to assume bad motives in people, but doesn't understand the consequences that will result from his actions. Galen tends to put himself forward as a leadership figure among his friends often, even though he's the second youngest of the group. He has some nascent Blood Knight tendencies, preferring fighting and throwing fists as a solution to a problem.

• Abilities:
  • Galen has an odd blue and black magitek dagger that can slide open at the blade and emit a thin black beam of light. This laser sword is capable of cutting through most mundane armors, and a fair few magically constructed ones.
  • Galen learned how to use a certain Absorbancy Magic that lets him absorb the properties of substances and build armor on himself with whatever he's absorbing.
  • He utilizes "Nightbeam" Spells, magic blasts and other effects that trade off power for being difficult to see coming - especially at night. They're easier for him to use, and don't tax his Mana Supplies as badly.

• Weaknesses: Galen is an inexperienced young man, and needs to learn to look before he leaps. His breadth of magical knowledge is also remarkably limited.

• Goals: Galen wants to, spur of the moment, avenge Evelyn Casey on her tormentor Matthew Balfour.

• Motivation: He was disgusted by how mundane society just seemed to abandon her, and she had been his babysitter three times when he was five. So even though he barely knew her, he wants to avenge her upon the man responsible.

• Role in the story: The Hero of Sandfield: Umbral Side Story.

• Backstory: Galen Nash remembers his family did a lot of moving, and that they worshiped deities that none of his mundane classmates did. In fact, he couldn't even talk about it publicly. Growing up in the Umbral Horde was a distinctly challenging experience - his family would have to move when people after them showed up, and he constantly had to uproot and lose friends. Moving to the Cathedral City (the Umbral Horde owned city constructed in Baja California), his parents promised him this was the "last move." He and his friends, once there, randomly learned during time spent on their smartphones about the case of Evelyn Casey, her horrible suicide, and the deaths of her family. Seeing how she had a connection to him, and the mention of Matthew Balfour in the news story as responsible for her suffering, Galen decided to lead his friends on a trek out into Illinois with the backing of Dhakar...as their ride.

• Relevant Tropes:
• Arch-Enemy: Matthew Balfour. Initially it was completely one-sided, with the twenty six year old laughing off the young teen swearing to kill him. Then it becomes mutual when Galen, his friends, and Dhakar launch a raid on his family mansion, killing his grandfather, most of the serving staff, and then during the fight with the fanatical mob, Eugene Balfour II dies too. This leads into a bitter, hateful feud in the midst of a battle.
  • GALEN: …I hate you…so much, Matthew Balfour.
  • MATTHEW BALFOUR: Feeling’s mutual now, you Satanic piece of trash.
• Bittersweet Ending: Galen and friends make it back to Erdengard, nobody the wiser except Reiji, but the whole of Winnetka is still on fire, Galen’s enthusiasm to one day officially join a Horde branch has been shattered and he’s deeply hurt by the things he saw and participated in. There’s also ambiguity about just how good it even is that they won. As Reiji puts it; “Congratulations. You avenged a woman you barely knew on a guy Hated by All except his small town. Did anybody involved really need to die for this? I know Balfour was despicable - don't blame you at all for that one, but how involved were the folks he whipped up anyway?” Also, Galen can’t go back to the United States.
• The Cavalry: Dhakar, seeing that the kids are in no way shape or form prepared to fight this mob of fanatics, calls in some favors to get a bunch of lesser demons into the field.
• Cryptic Background Reference: The incident Galen was involved in became known as Burning Illinois. It serves as a catalyzing agent for what’s to come next - with Anti-Umbral Vigilante Task Forces being backed by the Trump Administration.
• Didn't Think This Through: The story of their adventure. The biggest one though is the result of Galen listening to Dhakar and going for the “decapitation strike”, assuming that the elderly Eugene Balfour was a Diabolical Mastermind (he wasn’t), and killing him in the process of trying to interrogate him due to a mistake. This leads to the entire area becoming a complete warzone.
• Disaster Dominoes: To say things go absolutely off the rails in Illinois is an understatement. Everything directly leads into more and more drastic situations. Killing that arsonist results in Matthew Balfour freaking out due to the fact "that kid screams he wants to kill me...and now Stuart's dead!" This leads to Eugene Balfour II, Matthew's dad, sending a private investigator to look into it...who also turns up dead (though not from our heroes), but his camera had a picture of Galen Nash on it. This leads to the family patriarch, Eugene Balfour I, putting out a bounty on Galen Nash assuming he had something to do with it and the arsonist. This in turn makes Dhakar so nervous he pitches a last ditch plan involving a "decapitation strike" - leading to Dhakar crashing into Old Man Balfour's mansion and Alfred splitting Eugene I in half with his axe while Dhakar killed the hired guards. This in turn completely outrages Matthew Balfour, who forms a roving mob of fanatics over the death of his beloved grandfather. By the time all is said and done, most of Winnetka, Illinois is on fire, the entire Balfour Family is dead, with the method of Matthew Balfour's death making even Galen feel sick.
• Double Knockout: The end of the fight Galen has with Matthew...directly followed by Balfour's horrible death by pure accident.
• Everyone Has Standards: Matthew Balfour's gruesome, horrible death doesn't satisfy Galen at all. He's disgusted by it and the part he played in it. It didn't help that as vile as Balfour was, he spent his last minutes sobbing about how "they killed my dad...and my grandad...can't just—-can't just stop—-" Followed by the dying man puking up blood and dying. Galen just screams.
• Five-Man Band:
  • Galen Nash: the most athletic, loudest, and most often leading man of the group of teens. He also has very "protagonist-like" powers, involving a sword.
  • Marcus Fowler: The team nerd, tech expert, the one who handles the finer details of the plans, and tracks down where people are and exact details on them. He's shy, bookish, but is easily angered.
  • Seth Kreene: Older than Galen by two years, and slightly shorter and stockier. He likes a good brawl, but he's got some pretty bad coordination. Despite projecting anger at being lead on another ridiculous series of events by Galen, it's Anger Born of Worry.
  • Alfred Dean: The largest and oldest of the group. He's an apprentice in Aaron Cascade's Berserkers, specifically under Kerron Casteler. Despite wielding an axe and being frankly terrifying in battle, he's softspoken, timid and socially awkward out of battle.
  • Leila Flores: The team healer as well, through Sangromancy. Leila is emotional, tries to be wise and caring for the others, and often brings up the logic of a situation. Her parents are from a minor Zayufurite group - often embarrassing her due to Parental Sexuality Squick.
• Half the Man He Used to Be: …mostly. After breaking off a blade from Matthew Balfour’s war armor, Galen gets it stuck in the ceiling. In the course of their fight, it gets dislodged, and slices a prone Matthew Balfour almost in half. Galen feels utterly disgusted, lightheaded, and barely even there as he watches his Arch-Enemy sputter, crawl forward, and then die miserably.
• Hormone-Addled Teenager: It's implied he still nursed a crush on Evelyn, which played into why he reacted so strongly to learning she died - and in such a way at that. From there, Galen basically follows his hormonal, adolescent impulsive responses to Winnetka.
• It's Personal: Despite barely knowing her. Evelyn killed herself after years of trauma, then her mother Natalie developed a drinking problem and died in a car accident (Galen assumes Balfour had her killed), and her father Kenneth died suddenly (Galen again assumes Balfour had him murdered). The Casey Family Home was then burnt down, injuring Sheila Casey, Evelyn's little sister. So he's set out to kill Balfour in turn.
• Kid Hero: Galen is the second youngest of his group of friends, but has a leader-like role among them due to being the most athletic and the loudest.
• Off with His Head!: Accidentally, even. While trying to get answers from the arsonist, not even knowing for sure it was him, Galen, Seth and Marcus set him off by admitting they're in town to kill Matthew Balfour. He starts beating on Galen and Seth, knocks out Marcus, and Galen in a sheer panic fumbles with his Laser Blade...accidentally slicing through the arsonist's neck with the laser blade. The head then hangs on by a few threads of flesh before falling off. Galen plays it cool...and then vomits all over the floor.
• One-Steve Limit: Averted - though Galen thinks it’s odd that the upstanding enemy of theirs Matthew Streiss has the same name as the cruel Matthew Balfour.
• Revenge: Intends to avenge his old babysitter, who'd been "used, abused and discarded" by Balfour. "It's disgusting that they just accept he was exonerated in court. So I—-I'm gonna kill Matt Balfour." He also aims at the one responsible for the house arson.
• Skyward Scream: After Matthew Balfour's death, while the battle rages around him.
• This Is Unforgivable!: Galen's naivete and romantic notions play into his sheer hate for Matthew Balfour - a guy who likes a girl shouldn't do things like that! When Matthew outright tells him, not knowing who he's talking to, that he never liked Evelyn and she was a "smash piece" and a "dirty, disgusting slut" to him, Galen outright screams, "I'm gonna kill you!! You're gonna die! I hate you sooooo much!!" Balfour laughs him off...at the time.
• Troubling Unchildlike Behavior: This is a fifteen year old with an elaborate plan to murder a guy, who leads his group of plucky teen friends in doing so.
  • He proceeds to be involved in beheading a guy albeit by accident, and an attack on a mansion alongside a gargantuan demon.

Edited by NickTheSwing on Feb 7th 2023 at 1:01:59 AM

Okay so, about Galen... you're going to need to be very careful with how you portray him. I get you're trying to write him as a dumb kid that makes bad choices and is ultimately broken up over the end results, but from what you describe in your post, you might have gone too far in the "hot headed teen who bites more than he could chew over a childhood crush". His powers and backstory are interesting but you should make sure to include many humanizing traits to balance out his flaws.

• Name: Jiho Raquel Marigol Hyun, Duchess of Emeraldia
• Age: 51
• Personality: Cunning and coy. She's constantly planning something and likes to keep the people around her guessing what her next move is. Despite a brain running on overdrive, she has a very relaxed attitude and is slow to respond in conversation, mostly because she knows it makes people uncomfortable.
• Abilities: Very perceptive of what people desire most and uses this to gain influence over them. She has the resources of one of the richest and most esteemed worlds of the Empire at her disposal. As a noble, she lives longer and has more enhanced physical and mental capabilities that a normal human.
• Weaknesses: Her power comes from money and information trading in a time when assassinations and brute force are the deciding factors in who rules the Empire. She can't act overtly lest she risk those with guns coming to just take what she has.
• Goals: To bring an end to the royal anarchy plaguing the Empire and put herself in a prime position of influence with whoever comes out on top.
• Motivation: While she's managed to keep her own world relatively peaceful, the overall instability of the Empire is hurting her people and the economic wealth of her planet. If this goes on much longer than the brittle nation might devolve into open warfare and all bets are off regarding how that turns out for her or anyone.
• Role in the Story: She finances and occasionally advices the deposed Princess Anani, the rightful (debatable) heir to the imperial throne.
• Backstory: Jiho won at life. The only daughter of one of the highest aristocratic families in the Empire, she had status, wealth, education, genes, connections, and everything else a child could ask for. And it was not just any world that she was destined to inherit, but Emeraldia.
  • Emeraldia, the Living World. While the name might invoke gemstones, Emeraldia was green not because of valuable gems but because the world was covered almost entirely in forest. From the earliest colonists to the present, Emeraldians have had a unique relationship with the plant life of their world, preferring to work with nature rather than overcome it. Homes come from the still living trees, grown as much as they are built. Cities are as much giant parks as they are hubs of human activity. The nights are illuminated by bioluminescent trees. Transportation comes from animals as much as it does from mechanical vehicles. Speaking of vehicles, the starship designs of Emeraldia are uniquely biomechanical. A combination of human bioengineering and the unique plant species of Emeraldia, their distinctive designs taking inspiration from the natural world and look more like living organisms that grew rather than constructions. While they have nowhere near the output of other industrial shipyards, Emeraldia's unique spacecrafts are prized as works of beauty and inspire the hull designs of even their all-mechanical counterparts across the rest of the Empire.
  • The young Lady of Emeraldia grew up learning both the fineries and politics that were her aristocratic birthright and the nature-minded philosophies ingrained into her world's culture. This made her a unique figure in the royal court, which she naturally became part of to build the political and personal ties with the rest of the imperial elites. Her mother had personally served under Queen Cecilia when she and her three siblings overthrew their tyrannical father and became the new co-rulers of the Empire, ushering in a generation of peace and prosperity. Seeking to cultivate the relationship with that branch of the royal family, Jiho's mother arranged for Jiho to become an attendant to the queen's son, Prince Asher when they both were twelve.
  • Initially the cultivation proved fruitless. Jiho was shy and homesick, she kept to the place that looked most like home; the palace gardens. Asher was the one who insisted on dragging her around and talking with her. That she wasn't immediately fawning over him was something he actually found attractive about the girl who always had a fresh flower in her hair. Gradually though, the shy little bud blossomed into a confident young woman under Asher's care. The shyness gave way to a perceptive and even teasing personality, quiet not because she was a wallflower, but because she was analyzing everything and everyone around her before throwing people off guard with what she knew about them after just a handful of personal interactions. With Asher though, that teasing was mixed with honest judgement of both their peers and of himself, something the prince came to value. The future relationship between the Shining and Mosaic Palaces could not have been brighter.
  • But underneath the surface of this golden age of peace tensions were brewing. The power sharing arrangement between the four kings and queens worked so well because their personal relationships made it unique to them. Succession, however, was proving to be a tricky question, one which the tetrarchs continued to kick down the road even as they began passing away one by one. Naturally, Jiho maneuvered among the nobles for support for her lord, as did friends and rivals within the court for their own crown patrons. Queen Cecilia, last of the tetrarchs, passed away when Jiho and Asher were in their late 20's. Asher ascended to his mother's throne, officially sharing power with three of his cousins, Jorge, Maria, and Monserrate. Two things became abundantly clear upon his coronation though: 1) There was still no clear structure for how the successors were to rule with each other, and 2) those successors all hated each other.
  • What happened next stretched out over several years, but spiraled so rapidly for Jiho than it was almost all a blur. Grudges and suspicions between the new kings and queens quickly devolved into open hostility which engulfed the Shining Palace. And right in the thick of it, making it worse, was Jiho constantly trying to sway members of the court to support King Asher or make the other factions distrustful and paranoid about each other. Jiho was in her element. Sizing people up, gathering intel, negotiating. Whether it was the forest or politics, Jiho was at home.
  • Then Maria killed Jorge and claimed his crown for herself. Shortly after, factions of the military loyal to a Monserrate engaged Maria's forces in space. Maria was defeated and killed in the battle. Seeing the opportunity they had long sought, Asher and Jiho joined forces with another royal cousin named Daniel and engaged Monserrate in yet another battle and slew her. The reign of four was now the reign of two. This had not been part of Jiho's plans but she adapted, rapidly laying the groundwork for the future joint reign of Kings Asher and Daniel.
  • Then at a meeting between the kings and the remaining royal family members, Jiho was shown just how badly she had misjudged Daniel. The massacre lasted over an hour, Daniel's men slaughtering every last member of the royal family, their guards, and their top followers at court. Asher was cut down before Jiho's eyes. Her mother shielded her with her body before being gunned down, killing the duchess and grievously wounding Jiho. Bleeding out, Jiho nonetheless pretended to be dead until Daniel's soldiers moved on. Against all odds, she managed to escape the palace and flee on her family's private ship.
  • Her mother and her king dead, the new Duchess of Emeraldia arrived home in a state of shock. Only later did she learn Daniel himself had not survived the slaughter he ordered, killed by an opportunistic noble now proclaiming himself king. For months Jiho shut herself in the Mosaic Palace, letting her underlings run the planet on autopilot. When she finally emerged she did so with the vow to never leave her homeworld again. And so she watched from afar as the Empire descended into over two decades of political strife. Coups, counter-coups, revolts, the occasional flash of open warfare between claimants to the throne, Duchess Emeraldia watched it all.
  • Initially determined to not get involved, the duchess was compelled to offer tepid aid to one claimant to the throne to avoid his space forces seizing the trade shipments going in and out of her system. When the opportunity arose though, she secretly backed a rival claimant who promised to not interfere in Emeraldia's affairs. These two both died in short order, but from then on an idea was planted in the duchess's head. She controlled one of the richest, most populous, and culturally significant solar systems in the Empire. And because she was one of the few nobles not trying to seize the throne, also one of the most stable systems. Her world and her support should be an ally to be wooed, not a prize to be seized. Let the rest of the aristocratic idiots play the game of thrones, Duchess Emeraldia would play them off each other for her own benefit.
  • And so for year she did just that, revitalizing her old talent for collecting information and deciding which would be king or queen who came to her looking for aid she would lend her assets to. All of them failed or didn't last long. She wasn't the only financier of potential monarchs, after all. But, so long as most nobles saw her as a potential friend, they did not try to forcefully take her territory. Perhaps she played this role too well though. The constant infighting had long term consequences for the Empire that were only just now beginning to show. Emeraldia may be stable and prosperous, but her neighboring systems were not, and turmoil has a way of engulfing everyone no matter how hard they try to stay out of it. And so Duchess Emeraldia looked for someone who could end the cycle of violence once and for all. And that is when a brash young count arrives at the Mosaic Palace determined to win her aid.

Relevant Tropes:

• Strong Family Resemblance: A portrait of the previous Duchess Emeraldia holds the place of honor in the Mosaic Palace and guest will notice that the current duchess is practically a carbon copy of her mother.
• Flowers of Femininity: Wears the delicate, lotus-like flower from her family crest in her hair.
• Awesomeness by Analysis: She is very good at reading people and situations, able to perceive Selah's charisma concealed a lot of self-doubt, and Anani's dour silence covered an explosive temper which could be her undoing. Anani, who prides herself in hiding her rage issues, is too perturbed by how quickly the duchess sees through her to actually get angry over it.
• The Gadfly: Once she has sufficiently analyzed someone, she will happily engage in pushing their buttons both to study their reactions and because she finds it incredibly funny. Princess Anani comes to dread having to meet with her because of this.
• In Harmony with Nature: Nature is wild and untamable, but it can be guided and cultivated. Jiho’s respect for the natural world shapes how she views people, and her motivation to bring an end to the political strife is in part shaped by her philosophy of the natural world providing balance to all living things, and she needs to restore that balance in the world of humanity.
• Simple, yet Opulent: Eschews the frills and ribbons associated with noble women's attire after fleeing the capital in favor of the simpler robe like dresses of her homeworld. Those dresses are expertly crafted from hand with the finest silks harvest from Emeraldia and are worth a fortune.
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Flees her second home on the capital planet after the massacre of the royal family and her mother, never to return. For all her scheming and above-it-all attitude towards the constant power struggle for the throne, the real reason she never makes a play at it herself is that she’s terrified Death will claim the one that got away if she ever goes back.
• Functional Addict: Started taking a drug made from a plant of her homeworld that calms her nerves after surviving the massacre in the capital. She became addicted after constant dosing herself and is constantly smoking from a long pipe. She doesn't seem to have suffered any of the negative side effects of prolonged use, though that might be because of her genetically engineered heritage keeping the worst effects at bay until she gets her next hit.
• Knowledge Broker: One of her greatest assets is the spiderweb of spies she has established that rivals even the government's own intelligence agencies. The amount of reliable information on rivals she can bequeath to whoever she favors is one of the reasons that her favor is so sought after by potential claimants to the throne.
• Cryptic Conversation: Much of the information she provides is couched in story references, parables, poetry, double meanings, and metaphors. This is partly as a means of avoiding giving away too much information and thus keeping people dependent on her, partly as a means of testing the intelligence of potential monarchs to see if they're worthy of her help, and partly just because she likes screwing with people.
• The Team Benefactor: She funds Princess Anani's attempt to seize the crown and then Queen Anani's constant efforts to keep said crown. Anani was actually one of several people she was patronizing, keeping her options open. But Anani proved shockingly successful and eventually the sickly little princess was the undisputed queen of the Empire.
• Playing Both Sides: Queen Anani is furious to discover the duchess helped fund a rebellion against her, even though she had already promised to support Anan's house. Jiho defends herself by saying circumstances had moved so fast that rebellion she aided was actually intended to overthrow the previous usurper who had killed the previous queen, Anani's sister. Said usurper by that point had already been killed by Anani, but the new rebellion continued their attack even after Anani had secured the throne. The duchess undoubtedly knew Anani was still alive during this period though, so it seems more like she was playing all the potential sides and reaping the benefits from whoever won. It's hinted this isn't the first time she'd done this.
• Cowardice Callout: Anani angrily berates her for not taking to the field in person or even openly supporting the queen for most of the power struggle, saying she uses money to get out of fulfilling her oaths to the crown because she's still petrified from what happened at the Shining Palace all those years ago. There's enough truth in this that Jiho briefly loses her composure and starts a screaming match with the queen. Comes to regret it after the queen needs her less and starts favoring her most loyal military officers for the most powerful government positions.
• Badass Bureaucrat: Wealth and prestige notwithstanding, her greatest power comes from the complicated deals she makes with other nobles in exchange for her support for their causes. Much to Queen Anani's baffled horror, she finds that the contract she agreed to several years earlier when she was desperate for guns and ships stipulated that the duchess owned the rights to most everything about Anani's identity. Which meant once Anani became the most powerful and secure queen in 20 years, lots of merchandise with her face on it started showing up on the markets from Emeraldia. All the profits went to the duchess, the monetary amount eventually eclipsing what she had loaned the queen in the first place. Anani never saw a penny of it.
• Manipulative Bitch: The last year of the turmoil over the throne is kicked into overdrive by her as a means of "controlled burning," letting Queen Anani get rid of as many potential rivals at once and set the Empire back on the road to stability.
• A Mother to Her Men: It's not always obvious given how mercantile and acerbic she can be, but Duchess Emeraldia genuinely cares about both her subjects and the people of the Empire as a whole. She wants the chaos around the crown to end because if it doesn't soon then it's going to trigger catastrophe for the common people as the nobles blow up into full on civil war.

Well definitely someone I was eager to see, and her profile did not disappoint, although it did dispel a few preconceived notions I had about her.

I almost feel like I should apologize, since from what little I was told about Duchess Jiho, I expected a much colder character, a ruthless and calculating mind that sees everyone as pieces on a board. And, while there is certainly a bit of that (probably more than what is visible in this small snippet), I appreciate that there is far more to her than that. Indeed Jiho, like almost all of the characters presented in this setting, are very much people that I can understand and follow their motivations and perspectives.

Anyway...

It's going to sound weird, but one of the things that I like the most about Duchess Jiho is her steadfast and overarching concern with protecting her own—-her own planet, her own people, her own interests. It is something that I personally believe to be a strong virtue, so I always appreciate a character who is unabashedly on the side of their people and little else.

This brilliant mind, who can manipulate armies and the powerful figures that control them like game pieces, is dedicated to ensuring the best outcome for those under her direct protection. I'll move on, but I really like that—-it's like if Superman was committed to using the full extent of his power to protect his family alone, only involving himself in world affairs if the threat had the potential to reach his loved ones.

It's very easy to see how this attitude came about. Reading her backstory, it seems as if Jiho's destiny would have been to be a largely background figure in things—-certainly a contributor to her prince's endeavors and ambitions, but little else but a loyal servant to her lord, and she would have been content with that. But it is clear that the horror of the events she survived branded her with a sense of purpose in the form of never again...and to ensure the carnage and suffering she witnessed and was subjected to never reaches her homeland(world?)

In terms of sheer writing, it draws a clear connection between the events and how they molded her into the wise and vastly resourceful character she is in the present day. I also liked the inclusion of vulnerabilities—-in the Cowardice Callout section it shows that her tormented past is still very much a factor in her life and the wrong person bringing it up in the wrong way can understandably trigger a trauma response that shatters her usual composure. It's a hint of vulnerability in an otherwise smooth stone.

Apart from that, I suppose the last thing I expected was an association with nature, and an association that was done accurately. A lot of time when I see a character associated with the wild elements of the planet, they are either overly peaceful or savage but with Jiho there is an element of balance between the two.

As such, the "controlled burning" metaphor was as on point as it was sobering, since it refers to an event where many people undoubtedly suffered and died. But it is very in tune with nature—creating (or at least contributing to) suffering and destruction so that new growth and life can flourish from that devastation.

All in all, a very good character and one I'm glad to see finally unveiled.

Edited by Swordofknowledge on Jul 12th 2023 at 2:58:53 PM

• Name: Cole Streiss

• Age: 12 to 14

• Personality: Cole is, at 12, a timid if jumpy kid that can very frequently overestimate the danger in a situation, largely due to the rough circumstances of his life. He can be quite shy and it's difficult for him to accept new people. Notably, Cole despite his age doesn't cry at all - due to being disillusioned quite a bit already. He openly states he doesn't simply because crying never solves anything. He's a bit cynical, though his one spot of optimism is hope that he can one day find his dad. One thing that does scare him quite a bit is his powers - he knows he has something going on, overwhelming abilities that scare him due to how unpredictable and poorly handled they are. He can't always stop what he's doing, and rather than make situations better these powers typically flare up when he's in emotional distress and result in things getting worse.
  • By 14 however Cole is at least more familiar with his powers, and while still a rather impulsive and shy kid is now more confident when it comes to fighting, using his abilities, and handling himself. He's more open, and willing to talk. Cole is also growing into a tendency to end up infatuated or otherwise hormonally driven, though he knows when to tone that down.

• Abilities: Cole's powers are overwhelming psychokinetic / telepathic abilities, enough to make him a target of several antagonists. While he can draw on them normally, he seems to draw out far more when in perilous emotional states. Stress, anger and sadness can provoke some truly calamitous displays of power. It's mentioned that Cole is pretty much a perpetual energy generator.

• Weaknesses: His own powers wear him out the more he uses them, and the more intensive things he uses them for. Sustained use without experience can result in headaches and bloody noses. There's also the fact he barely knows what he's doing at all, though these weaknesses are to a significant degree alleviated by the time he's 14. Though he's still got quite a bit of trauma going on...

• Goals: Find his dad, survive, figure out what's going on.

• Motivation: Cole wants some degree of a normal life, to know his dad, and find out why things are the way they are with him.

• Role in the story: (one of) the heroic cast, and often-times the Living MacGuffin.

• Backstory: Cole lived in a post-apocalyptic world inside a bunker, having been created to answer the threat that induced the end of the old world. He and his twin brother for a time lived beneath, growing up in the care of machines and his mother, while his father left the bunker. Eventually however, his mother was killed during a raid on the bunker by...something. Cole can't even put to words what killed his mother other than "the awful something". Then it abducted his twin, and left Cole lying there, alone and wailing. The bunker machines rebuilt and after that day, Cole never so much as wept again. As he went out to try and find his way, leaving the bunker behind, he found himself transported back to a time before the apocalypse. Back to when he could find his father...

• Relevant Tropes:

• Action Survivor: Cole before 14 doesn't have a lot of fighting skill, more just relying on deadly dodging and hoping his powers pan out the way he hopes. Being more used to surviving, he doesn't exactly panic much about the situation with the Deepgrounders. After 14 he's wary of lethal violence but willing to wield it if people are in danger. Otherwise, he's confident enough to jump into a tournament for magic users.
• Afraid of Their Own Strength: At least initially. He learns quickly he can't remain so petrified of himself, and ultimately steps up to take on Balyard. He's fully stepped out of the trope by 14, being a more confident young teen.
• All of the Other Reindeer: When enrolled at school. Cole finds himself bullied. He gets a bit more respect when he rescues his chief bully from Operation Deepground along with other kids.
• Amazon Chaser: 14 year old Cole quite likes it that Kristine, 2 years his senior, is actually keeping up with him in the battle royale portion of the tournament.
• Badass Boast: "Balyard, you're unforgivable. I may be afraid of my power, but I'm more afraid of what'll happen if you aren't stopped! This ends here."
  • "You wanted a good fight Brago? Then how's this going for you!?"
  • "Just...gotta grit my teeth, plant my legs, focus...and...!" (cue one very dead Zufain)
• Beam-O-War: Defied during the battle with Brago's crew. Zufain seems to match Cole's blast...but Cole had been worried about a couple of his friends, concentrating more on that. When they get out of danger, Cole overwhelms Zufain quickly, and vaporizes him on contact.
• Beware the Nice Ones: Cole is a nice, shy boy despite everything he went through, but it's pretty clear you shouldn't piss him off.
  • When he and numerous other kids are abducted by Operation Deepground, Cole wakes up, realizes what's happened to him and other kids, and promptly incinerates one of the guards in the midst of launching their escape.
  • When Balyard trails him all the way home and bombards Matthew's house with missiles, Cole steps forward to take him on, glaring all the while. Considering he's usually unenthusiastic about fighting, due to his uncooperative powers, this says a lot.
  • At 14, Cole starts off holding back a bit, but when Captain Brago of the Jupitrei lets slip he never intended to spare the crowds at the tournament setting even if he got a good fight, Cole cuts loose - and ultimately ends up killing four minor villains in utterly quick succession, when he previously held back, including burning one up simply by flaring up a Battle Aura. Captain Brago doesn't give him much more trouble, ending up blasted right through his own tower and all the way through the stratosphere.
• Cooldown Hug: Matthew gives him one when it becomes clear he's destroying Mandabus. "I'm okay, everything's okay Cole...everything's okay."
• Cool Loser: Referred to as a bit dorky, and gives an impression of poor social skills (for good reasons), but when he does acclimate to modern times he enjoys dancing in front of music videos, a number of his classmates despite making fun of him call him "good looking for a dork", and by the time he's 14 he's gotten a bit more muscular.
• Death Glare: Cole's got a good enough Death Glare to spook several members of Brago's crew, though the man himself just finds it entertaining.
• Fish out of Temporal Water: He's a 12 year old survivor from a post-apocalyptic world, used to hiding and scavenging. So coming into a world with this much abundance and people not out to hurt him at first shocks him...but then when he acclimates, he distinctly enjoys the experience.
• Flashback Echo: Seeing The Dragon incinerating Tony's remains in fire hits Cole's Trigger about his mother's demise at Death's hands - providing the impetus for him to finally uncork all his utterly destructive power.
• The Glomp: When he sees Matthew - alive and well. He proceeds to tackle-hug Matthew shouting "Dad!!!" For context on how weird this would look, Matthew is about 20 or so at this point. Cole is 12. But considering all the weird stuff Matthew has dealt with, he just accepts his future son without too many questions.
• Glowing Eyes of Doom: If Cole's right eye starts glowing, that means his powers are being unleashed in full. This shows a lot during the fight in Mandabus.
• Good Cannot Comprehend Evil: Cole has a hard time understanding Brago, who has pretty much attacked the First Magic User Tournament just...to. When he does get it that Brago is just a sadistic blood knight freshly escaped from prison, eager to just commence the bloodshed anew with his crew, he has nothing but contempt for his foe.
• Hearing Voices: To drive home how utterly uncontrollable Cole's power is, he randomly one day just hears everybody's thoughts - and only stops when he concentrates as hard as he can on it. The experience leaves him even more poorly adjusted for the day than usual.
• His Heart Will Go On: Realistically - his first love, a classmate he rescues a few times, doesn't end up getting with him by the time he's 14. They just drift apart and she ends up going to a different school. He ends up falling for [[Kristine Spirited Competitor]] instead - the two of them fight during the tournament, and agree to postpone when Brago's crew begin making trouble.
• Hormone-Addled Teenager: 14 year old Cole is very clearly into Kristine, and prolongs their encounter in the battle royale purely because he likes her. He also shows clear interest in the more attractive young women in the tourney - though he knows well enough when to cut it out.
  • "Shane, are you corrupting little Cole?" "Wha...? No! He's the one who started the talk about hotties in the tournament. Guess his balls dropped."
• Living MacGuffin: The Old Gods want his blood to enable their plans involving the Blue Moon (which would see them literally take a moon from the past universe and slam it into Earth in a colony drop purely because they're angry mankind forgot them), it's implied after realizing what he had that Balyard's Operation Deepground want to do "give Cole like a stallion to so interested Quiverfulls" who want to have powerful descendants, as well as the administration at the time wanting to control him.
• Power Incontinence: Cole's control of his power, and even understanding of it, is very poor. Him simply getting worked up enough can result in sparks flying and randomly burning something.
• Shout-Out: Cole's set up of "nervous, shy kid who sometimes unleashes an unusually gigantic power" is reminiscent of Gohan. Fittingly, Balyard's "Battle Armor" he purchased on the black market resembles Cell significantly.
• Skyward Scream: At the Rage Breaking Point in Mandabus, upon seeing Matthew unconscious and seemingly dead and his Robot Buddy Tony dismantled, Cole cries his first tears - Berserker Tears. He then screams long, intense, as his power flares out of control, disrupting the perpetually stormy weather of Mandabus, tearing apart the area the fight was occurring in, and severely spooking The Dragon to the Old Gods.
• Sphere of Destruction: Thrown around by him - with additional arcing bolts of light - when he isn't firing a straight up energy beam.
• Wave-Motion Gun: Cole's Zetta Cannon, used for the first time after the above Rage Breaking Point. The blast rips right through the atmosphere of Mandabus, through Subspace itself, and destroys four mining asteroids in its path.
• Yank the Dog's Chain: To a degree - he reunites with Matthew, only to be subjected to being abducted, along with a number of other kids, by the fake "trafficking rescue" organization Operation Deepground - with the intent of selling these kids "rescued" to wealthy Quiverfull Cult parents. He's in Tranquil Fury mode by the time he gets up and starts the breakout. "...How many others before me...? No. If I think too much about it, I'll go outta control. Calm. Calm, like dad said. Focus on rescuing everybody. And beat the holy shit outta everyone between me and the exit."
• You Are Better Than You Think You Are: Tony's final speech to Cole. "No, Cole. Your emotions are valid. Rage against injustice doesn't make you a weak person. It makes you a person. Do not fear the things you feel, do not quiver in front of what you're capable of. Having known you, and seen your kindness, you need to know when to step up, step forward, look beyond your past and fight. I know you can do this. Apply what you started with taking the fight to Balyard. I trust you. Matthew trusts you. Now you just need to trust yourse—-"

Edited by NickTheSwing on Aug 3rd 2023 at 5:18:28 AM

Cole sounds fine, mystery and the eldritch apocalypse are cool ideas. Though i find the idea of a 12-14 year old not crying kind of unrealistic — it isn't really a voluntary response even if you decide crying is useless.

You say he was "created". Do you mean he was made in a lab or with magic or something? Or born normally but given powers by some means like that? Or do you mean that he was just conceived to be a weapon?

This is for Red Revenge the same series my two recent posts on the Villain Critique Thread, The Lightbearer and Living Inferno are for. It's a WWII superhero story with magic and superscience, though i suppose Tom himself is more similiar to The Shadow and The Spider. I've kind of waffled over details for months.

Like The Shadow, he has several people working for him. They all use single-word codenames that can be passed off as surnames (ex. Fuchs, Kiefer), which is where his aliases Fuchs and Mondschein come from. Initially he pretends that "Jan Fuchs" is just an intermediary, when he needs to do some resistance stuff more personally but lower-profile or show up to give information or instructions, but needs people to not know Carmine Avenger is right there.

Real Name: Tom Handschin

Code Name: Carmine Avenger

Also Known As: Octave Roux, (Jan) Fuchs, Mondschein

Age: Born november 1918 (21 in the beginning)

Nationality: German

Occupation: Resistance ringleader

Appearance: Leanly muscular 6'2" man with pale skin, subtle freckles, and slightly curly red hair. He has pale blue eyes, small scar over his left eyebrow, and a tall thin face with sharp nose and chin. (Pretty exactly this Picrew◊).

As Carmine Avenger, he wears a dark green knee-lenghtish coat, brown pants, an orangeish-yellowish scarf, and brown leather gloves, belt, gun and knife holsters, and laced boots. He also wears an altstädter or elbsegler cap with the Reichsbanner Schwarz-Rot-Gold cap badge◊ or pin, and a tight-fitting carmine balaclava that just has two eye holes.

After the war, Tom gets a "civilian outfit" for when he isn't avenging. It consists of a similiar beige cap without the badge, beige peacoat and pants, and a red scarf. Hans' color scheme.

Personality: Defined by extreme loyalty, dedication, and force of will, Tom will fight on until he dies no matter how hopeless the odds, pushing through pain and appearing calm despite fear or despair. Resourceful, intelligent, perceptive, ambituous, and with nerves of steel, he relies on his ability to stay one step ahead and prefers to plan for everything but can think on his feet when needed. Preferring to work behind the scenes doesn't mean he isn't able or willing to fight when it comes to that — he's a brave man who won't hesitate to put himself in harm's way to protect others or save Europe. A charismatic, witty, and philosophical introvert, his personality is what brings and keeps people together, and he's very charming when bothering with social niceties (he doesn't usually care for performances). Remaining idealistic despite everything, he still sees a future where things will be okay. But he's also pragmatic; he'll ally with one enemy against another, and he's perfectly willing to use extreme force when necessary though he avoids harm to innocents. He'll do the right thing whether anybody likes it or not and isn't afraid to dirty his hands in the process, but has standards when not dealing with nazis or collaborators and avoids getting dirty if it's a reasonable option. Despite how he can come off he's actually very caring, maybe too much as he tries to help everybody and right every wrong even as it risks him and the operation. He's motivated by a strong sense of justice, and is doing all of this to save people from the nazis — not just to avenge Hans. He couldn't save Hans, but he has to save everybody else.

However he has a tendency to dismiss any trauma or injury he experiences as not really that bad, often disregarding his own wants, needs, and wellbeing, putting everything else first. Taking it upon himself to fix everything and help everybody no matter the consequences to himself. He can get very self-sacrificial. Despite caring a lot, he's poor at showing it and his sarcasm, natural expressionlesness, bluntness, and brutal honesty (intentional and accidental) can make it seem otherwise. Workaholic and perfectionistic, he secretly doubts his capacities and lives in the fear of failure or not being good enough (even before 1933), suffering from the weight of leadership and wishing Hans was there to tell him what to do. Tom finds it very hard to trust anybody or anything, and so prepares for allies betraying him and has manipulative tendencies, which also stem from believing that he can fix everything. Fueled by survivor guilt, rage, and anger, he pays evil unto evil, carries long grudges until he can act on them, and relies on anger to get through hard times. And despite his willingness to form alliances of convenience with one enemy against another, Tom can't and won't actually compromise his opinions or ideals.

Abilities: Before the war, Tom trained for years in savate, bartitsu, and proto-parkour. He's stronger than average, and through the power of rage and willpower he can push his pain tolerance, endurance, and strenght pretty far. Tom is also good at lock-picking and sneaking around. A crack shot with a pistol and a master of disguise with a talent for imitating voices, he's also very highly intelligent and observant. Hans, a tailor, taught him how to make clothes. In addition to his native german, he speaks french and

Weaknesses: Tom is a normal human being vulnerable to everything normal human beings are. He finds it very difficult to trust people he doesn't already know, and that distrust partially leads to manipulative tendencies. He also can not and will not to buckle from any of his beliefs. ometimes he doesn't appear to care about his own life or wellbeing at all in his pursuit of justice.

Equipment: He's always armed with at least one pistol, often a luger, and carries a big folding knife or a switchblade. He also has seelingly unremovable dye thing which he uses to mark people as nazis and collaborators. It looks like dried blood, and usually ends up in peoples's hands or faces^note  (hair can be cut and clothes changed, but if it's on the skin...).

Goals: Hunting down Hans' murderers, taking down the nazi regime and rescuing as many of their victims as possible, personally destroying The Lightbearer

Motivation: Revenge and justice, fixating on The Lightbearer as the embodiment of evil (and the conflict between them getting more and more personal through the war)

Role In The Story: The main character

Edited by Nukeli on Jan 31st 2024 at 9:29:52 PM