"....so if you give a crap feel free to check back in next week to satisfy your insatiable desire to read about grown people punching each other in the mouth or beating each other about the head and neck in a most furious manner."
This crazy-ass bastard is one of the most hardcore freedom fighters to ever live, and a dude so extreme balls-out in his insatiable quest for vengeance that something as inconsequentially-trivial as being fucking decapitated couldn't stop him from crushing his enemies to death with his nutsack.
Benkei went out to the drawbridge leading towards the castle, clenched his naginata in his fists, and dared the army on the other side to fucking fuck with him. A couple punk-ass bitches thought they wanted a piece of SMB, but Benkei slapped the fail out of them with the blunt end of his bladed axe, knocking their brains out and sending crumpled remains splashing into the moat.
So one day God and everybody are chilling out and this fucking insane-o motherfucking demon busts through the pearly gates ready to kick fucking asses and making the lesser angels (the fat kids and Victoria Secret models) piss themselves.
Holy shit everybody thinks they're totally fucked because look at this motherfucker. He's a fucking huge red monster with gleaming talons and spikes covering one-third of his body and glowing eyes and he looks PISSED. But instead of handing over St. Peter's keys like some kind of two-dollar pussy carjacking victim, God takes one look at this thing and is just like, "Mike, show this fucking douchebag the door". The Archangel Michael calmly nods his head, slowly takes the cigarette out of his mouth and flicks it onto the floor, cracks his knuckles and confidently strides towards Lucifer.
Kim Campbell, who piloted a blasted-to-hell A-10 out of an Iraqi firezone using manual controls (aka pull-strings) and landed it in one piece using a manual landing that no one had ever successfully pulled off.
Mustafa Kemal Ataturk - whose name quite literally translates into "Mustafa the Perfect, Father of the Turks." Yes, this guy was so badass that he was literally dubbed "perfect" by his instructors.
Max Hardberger. The name alone qualifies him as awesome, but that fact that this guy's job is to essentially serve as a maritime repo man whose specialty is in stealing ships back from pirates, it just pushes it to a whole new level.
Buzz Aldrin - If strapping a rocket to your ass and braving deep space isn't an act of sheer balls, then epically jacking some asshole in the face after he calls you a liar and threatens your daughter should count.
This is the first thing that pops up when you run a Google Image Search for "space babes", but, honestly, this weird alien space eyeball tentacle-monster also happens to be a good visual representation of Commander Shepherd's military career – drifting around in outer space groping a hot babe with his appendages while random dudes shoot him in the face with rockets at close range without doing any noticeable damage.
Butt Monkey: A 50/50 for Ian Forbes, a man who enlisted in the British Royal Navy for WW2. His military career led him to being subjected to the ship he was on getting destroyed by enemy attacks over and over and finally taken prisoner for three years. That being said, against all odds he survived them all and died 72 years old "of very ordinary causes".
"Canada gets a bad rap these days, with many Americans looking down on them as our pussier, slightly-British neighbors to the North, but anybody who's ever watched footage of the 1970's Philadelphia Flyers teams knows that Canadians can be some seriously hardcore motherfuckers who would just as soon cold-cock you in the chops as slash you between the legs with a goalie stick. These crazy bastards have an underappreciated history of badassery, and nowadays we don't really respect the fact that Canadians can be hard-drinking, hard-fighting, lumber-jacking motherfuckers who destroy all who oppose them in a flurry of bare knuckles, bizarre accents, and the Metric System."
Catchphrase: "Balls-out" appears often, sometimes multiple times in a single article. Even in the articles about women. Even in the article about the cow.
Cultured Badass/Officer and a Gentleman: Ahmad Shah Massoud was an Afghan freedom fighter whose guerrilla tactics forced the USSR out of Afghanistan. He then fought against the Taliban for the rest of his life because he strongly believed in democracy, religious tolerance, and equality, and he supported education, the arts, and women's rights.
Rukhsana Kauser, who managed to gun down the most wanted terrorist in India when he started beating on her father and tried to rape her.
Yang Youde, a rural Chinese farmer whose response to a Mega Corp.'s attempt to steal his land was to build homemade artillery and blast the company's gang of club-wielding enforcers in a battle straight out of the wildest tower defense games.
Hideaki Akaiwa, when faced with a tsunami that flooded his town, chose to don a suit of SCUBA gear and swim through the black, nighttime, debris-strewn waters to rescue his wife, and then went back in to save his mother, and now works as a one-man search-and-rescue unit, combing the disaster zone for others in need of help.
Anthony Omari - When machete-wielding thieves broke into the Kenyan orphanage he ran, he ran them off by chucking a hammer into their faces. When they came back the next night for payback, he dished out even more hammer-related injuries, while taking a severe wound to the face. Not that it stopped him from kicking their asses.
Another sweet thing is that Godzilla is completely unpredictable, and, as such, represents the Ultimate Duality of Awesome: When he leaves the warm beaches of Monster Island and emerges from the dark waters near the Japanese coastline, you don't know if he's there to smash orphanages or save the universe from a rampaging giant space monster who shoots lasers out of its forehead and spits acid on hot Japanese babes. That's just how he rolls. One minute he's Earth's saviour, the next minute he's grabbing handfuls of cheering humans and grinding them between his massive, pointy teeth.
The 21 Sikhs, a single unit of twenty-one Sikh soldiers holding a small fortress outpost on the Indian border against a force of invading tribesmen that numbered over twenty thousand. They managed to hold for most of a day, while ounumbered 500:1 until the British could organize a counterattack. While all of them were wiped out, no one doubts the size or sturdiness of their balls, especially as every single one of them volunteered to stay and fight. When word of their actions reached the British Parliament, it received a standing ovation from the entire British government.
Also there is M3, a male wolverine so badass he will tear his way out of a tagging trap, claw his way into a trap just to maul a rival, and climbed the steepest mountain in his range at the coldest time of year for no sane reason.
Not only is he more drug resistant than Ozzy, but in the weeks after being fitted with a GPS tracker by an enterprising, stupidly-brave, presumably-deceased scientist armed with a ten-foot pole and a suit of +2 Chainmail, he summited the highest peak in Glacier National Park – 10,466 feet – covering the last 4,900-feet by running straight up a sheer cliff face in the span of 90 minutes. Through 20-inch deep snow. In the middle of January, when temperatures were in the single digits. His tracker didn't explain why, but we can only assume the answer involves teabagging the summit just out of principle.
Mundane Made Awesome: The grandfather of Harald Wartooth was known as Ivar the Wide-Grasping. The article of Harald is replete with tales of carnage and violence, but Ben theorizing the reason for Ivar's appellation stands out as unique and of a very different nature from the rest of the article...
Bishnu Shrestha. This retired Gurkha (which should say everything you need to know about how badass he is) was returning home on a train when forty gangsters boarded it, robbed the people on board, and tried to rape a girl. Bishnu taught them the error of their ways in a storm of blood-spraying violence, killing three men and disabling eight more with just his kukri before the rest ran for the hills.
Léo Major: He singlehandedly took 93 German soldiers defending some sort of Headquarters prisoner, and then took on an entire town alone and drove the entire German presence out over the course of nine hours, liberating an entire town by himself.
Rated M for Manly: It is a little known fact that Ben Thompson doesn't actually write the website's articles, they just appear to him the night before by a intangible conglomerate of the entire universe's badassery so he can post them online to give the article's subject the recognition the conglomerate feels they deserve.
Honda Tadakatsu won a battle where he was outnumbered 60-1 by openly attacking the enemy army. The opposing general was so impressed at Tadakatsu's balls that he acknowledged his badassery by withdrawing and conceding without any blood being spilled.
Juan Pajota - Philippine guerrilla leader during WW2. As Cpt. Robert Prince of 6th Ranger Battalion, US Army put it: "The Guerrillas were our flanking protection at the Cabu River, which was no more than a mile from the camp... there was a sizable force of Japanese, but Pajota and his men just killed everything in sight that came up that river and across the bridge. They were the ones that kept this thing from being a tough deal for us."