Quotes / Spoof Aesop

"Hey, that last skit was written for a reason. If any of your buddies had fooled around with a sixty year old man, don't throw them out of your car, or you will die. Now, enjoy the rest of the album!"
Adam Sandler, Memory Lane

"And the Real Lesson? Don't leave things in the Fridge."
Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop

"You shouldn't drink and bake."
Mark, Raw Deal

“This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.”

"The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand'."
Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events

"It's not the beard on the outside that counts, it's the beard on the inside."
Action Hank, Dexter's Laboratory

"Givin' kids charity just makes 'em weak, man. Teach a kid to fish, he can eat fish his whole life. Teach a kid NOT to fish, he starves to death. Where I come from that's murder, Homes."
Dusty, in a custom campaign for Left 4 Dead 2

Jake: Let's never be stupid again.
Finn: No! Let's ALWAYS be stupid! FOREVER!
Adventure Time, "My Two Favorite People"

"Never forget the teachings of those you shoot in the head after they become zombies."

Vicken: Well I think we learned an important lesson today about online safety.
Stef: Yeah, if you want to meet up with a random stranger, make sure your friends're there with loads of weapons to beat him up.
Vicken: Ahhh ... right.
Mighty Moshin' Emo Rangers, Episode 6: "Uncle Cuddles and Fiddles The Kid"

Chan: You suppose there's a moral in all of this?
Hsu: Oh... probably.
Hsu and Chan, "Evening of Destruction"

"Dear Princess Celestia, I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Ahem.... I didn't learn anything! I was right all along!" *happily trots across the screen*

"Stay away from good-looking women when you're fighting. Otherwise you'll get hit with diarrhea.' One of the few things I learned from Shadow Moses."

"I guess we've learned it doesn't really matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion"
Peter Griffin, Family Guy

Spider-Man: The moral of the story is: trust no one.
Storm: That is NOT what we learned from all this!
Marvel Adventures: The Avengers

"It just goes to show you: Always be wary of people who are way into putting jewels on their sweaters. They may transform into hideous freaks and rampage at summer camps."
MC Bat Commander, The Aquabats! Super Show!

Calvin: Well, Hobbes, I guess we learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess.
Hobbes: And that is?
Calvin: And that is, um... it's that, well... Ok, so we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me.
Hobbes: Live and don't learn, that's us.

"You smoke, Shepard? Don't. That stuff'll kill you. Knew a kid once, half your age. Smoked too close to a cache of explosives. Tossed a butt, blew himself sky high."
Zaeed Massani, Mass Effect 2

Tom Servo: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
Crow: Don't watch it.

"Boy, never put your dick in anything that lights up!"
SFDebris quotes his grandfather's sage advice

"It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding, and you can spend all afternoon explaining that, but no one's gonna eat it because you stuck your dick in it!"

"Remember, kids, exercise is hard, but shoving a spoon down your throat is easy! And don't forget to do it after every meal, just like me!"
Sailor Moon Abridged, Episode 1

"When I look good, I feel good, too! And the only way I feel good is by vomiting. The only drawback is the stomach acid making my breath smell rank as hell. So I always brush my teeth after every throw up session. Take it from me, kids! A skinny bod means nothing if your breath smells like a dead horse and hot garbage! Sailor Moon says!" (giggle)
Sailor Moon Abridged, Episode 32

Yugi: Don't you get it, Tristan? This is Joey's coming-of-age episode, where he proves he's a real man by winning a children's card game all by himself.
Tristan: Well, he's got a hot sister, so I guess I can forgive him for assaulting me.
Yugi: And that's what friendship is all about!

Yugi: We've learned that card games are the answer to all life's problems. And the only thing I know for certain in this world is that there's a strange man living inside my head who tells me to do things.
Yami: You said it Yugi! Now burn everything, burn it to the ground!

Ghanny: Of course! If he has no knowledge of existence outside of 1/0, Marcus can have no concept of femininity!
Zadok: Wow. Atheism leads naturally into homosexuality.
1/0 in this strip


"You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes. Or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together and celebrate what really matters: PURE EVIL!" *Evil Laugh ensues*
Grunkle Stan, Gravity Falls

"I guess crying does solve your problems after all!"

Black Willy Wonka: You see, people need to learn the power of their choices Critic. So by turning them into whiny little babies, maybe they'll learn.
Critic: [Beat] No they won't!
Black Willy Wonka: Well, every once and a while, a symbol comes along to remind everyone of how awful they can be. Ghostbusters is that symbol.
Critic: No it isn't.
Black Willy Wonka: Sometimes the universe just needs to hate itself.
Critic: You have no reason for doing any of this do you?
Black Willy Wonka: Nope! Sometimes it's fun to be an asshole for no reason.
— Black Willy Wonka and The Nostalgia Critic on the former's motivations for causing the Ghostbusters (2016) controversy, The Nostalgia Critic

Formula 1 Racer: (sees Sonic standing on top of his car) Huh? Hey, you! This is dangerous! It's irresponsible! What happens if kids start trying this?!
Sonic: (looks at the camera) Kids, don't use Formula 1 racecars to chase hedgehogs!note 

"Nobody wants their pants to fall down-You could wear a dress and then... you'd have no need (The alligators had it right) (Wearing pants it sure does bite)"
Steam Powered Giraffe, The Suspender Man.

Growing up, my dad never let me beat him at chess. Taught me some important lessons, like "hate chess" and "quit chess forever."
—Twitter user @TheThomason

Sonic: I think we all learned a valuable lesson today.
Amy: And what lesson was that?
Sonic: I dunno, "Don't turn into a bee," or something? [Team Sonic begins muttering among themselves, either in confusion or agreement]
Knuckles: They say that all the time.
Sonic Boom, "You And I Bee-come One"

"If there's anything you take away today - other than you need to Google "What the fuck is Dubstep?" - it's that we all need to belong to someone."
Deadpool, Deadpool 2