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Anime and Manga
Lietenant Antoine: I am Antoine, Lieutenant of this Beast-hunting brigade. And you, Sir, are without a doubt the storied beast! The size of an ox, with black horns and fangs as sharp as a wolf's. A monster terrible enough to send chills down the spine of a grown man... Prepare to face divine, ironclad justice!
Beast: Say, old man, how would you like if I judged YOU based on your looks? Or am I right to assume you're just a mustachioed, out-of-shape clerk playing soldier who can't actually fight a damn?
Lieutenant Antoine: Why, you!! You stooped to insults, I see!
Beast: You started it! Do these look like horns to you? They're my ears, asshole!
Asian Animation
Jetybory: I'm going to lose my temper!
Evil Noonbory Clone: I'll go find it for ya.
Evil Noonbory Clone: I'll go find it for ya.
— Noonbory and the Super 7, "Double Trouble"
Comic Books
Lieutenant Peters: You wanna play cop, join the department and get yourself a badge! Until then, stay out of my way!
Supergirl: You need a hint as to what you can do with your badge, Peters?
Supergirl: You need a hint as to what you can do with your badge, Peters?
Supergirl: Eliza, Jeremiah — Do you need help?
Eliza: Not at all! I live to work hours cleaning twenty square feet.
Supergirl: Sarcasm is not unique to Earth, you know.
Eliza: Good. You already speak my language. This adjustment process will be easy.
Eliza: Not at all! I live to work hours cleaning twenty square feet.
Supergirl: Sarcasm is not unique to Earth, you know.
Eliza: Good. You already speak my language. This adjustment process will be easy.
— Supergirl (Rebirth) #1
Fan Works
Mark Russell: Jesus.
Vivienne Graham: yeah?
Vivienne Graham: yeah?
— Mark Russell when seeing an Inhuman Human Vivienne for the first time, Abraxas (Hrodvitnon)
San-2: brothers there is a problem
Ichi: THERE IS ALWAYS A PROBLEM WHAT NOW
[...]
Ni: WHAT A NUISANCE I'VE ONLY JUST COME BACK
Ichi: THERE IS ALWAYS A PROBLEM WHAT NOW
[...]
Ni: WHAT A NUISANCE I'VE ONLY JUST COME BACK
— Ghidorah's three heads, Abraxas (Hrodvitnon)
Carol: So what have you been doing besides studying, Scott?
Scott Summers: Well, on my off time, I've saved the world a couple of times from evil mutants. I joined a cult and then overthrew its leader because he was badly mistreating his people. That, of course, is after the head of the cult tried to sacrifice me to a demon. After I overthrew the old leader, the members of the cult voted me their leader. I made everyone get jobs and outlawed human sacrifice. I helped them fix up their boarding house and open a soup kitchen for the homeless in its basement. I also organized a band for them, and they're playing at the children's hospital cancer ward benefit next month. Other than that, not much; it's been a slow month.
Carol: (to Xavier) He's learning to express a sense of humor.
Xavier: Yes, Scott is learning to express a sense of humor; a very dry one.
Scott: (looking innocently) That's me, sir, life of the party.
Carol: All I have to do is teach you how to smile now.
Scott: Putting a smile on my face is like putting pastel colors on Wednesday Adams. Some things should just never be done.
Scott Summers: Well, on my off time, I've saved the world a couple of times from evil mutants. I joined a cult and then overthrew its leader because he was badly mistreating his people. That, of course, is after the head of the cult tried to sacrifice me to a demon. After I overthrew the old leader, the members of the cult voted me their leader. I made everyone get jobs and outlawed human sacrifice. I helped them fix up their boarding house and open a soup kitchen for the homeless in its basement. I also organized a band for them, and they're playing at the children's hospital cancer ward benefit next month. Other than that, not much; it's been a slow month.
Carol: (to Xavier) He's learning to express a sense of humor.
Xavier: Yes, Scott is learning to express a sense of humor; a very dry one.
Scott: (looking innocently) That's me, sir, life of the party.
Carol: All I have to do is teach you how to smile now.
Scott: Putting a smile on my face is like putting pastel colors on Wednesday Adams. Some things should just never be done.
Meg: [nervously] What are you going to do if I tell you?
Erik: Steal her away from the pretty boy kicking and screaming, and drag her down to my underground lair to make her my eternal bride. [Beat] I am being sarcastic, of course.
Erik: Steal her away from the pretty boy kicking and screaming, and drag her down to my underground lair to make her my eternal bride. [Beat] I am being sarcastic, of course.
Sif: You would call your brother a simpering Lady?
Loki: [dryly] The Lady Thor's womanly charm is unmatched by all but our mother.
Loki: [dryly] The Lady Thor's womanly charm is unmatched by all but our mother.
—Trials of the Trickster King
, Chapter Five (No, it is not a Gender Flip fic)
, Chapter Five (No, it is not a Gender Flip fic)"Right. Should have, should have. That's a really useful phrase, isn't it, Carol? Bound to be a million uses for it. I should have gone to college. I should have been a working wife. I should have this, I should have that. I should have won ten million dollars in the lottery. But you know what, Carol? I didn't."
— Marie Danvers, A Prize for Three Empires
Dan Turpin: Then call him and tell him to get his big blue bod to my precinct, on the double. Orion and his boys are back. And I don't want any more of my turf torn up like it was last time they were here. So get him here, so they can get out. Got it?
Jimmy Olsen: Uh. Orion? The guy from the New Gods?
Dan Turpin: No, I mean Paddy O'Ryan from County Cork. Of course, it's Orion from the New Gods! Now do it! Goodbye.
Jimmy Olsen: Uh. Orion? The guy from the New Gods?
Dan Turpin: No, I mean Paddy O'Ryan from County Cork. Of course, it's Orion from the New Gods! Now do it! Goodbye.
"However, the Royal Guard Regulations state in Rule Four Hundred and Nine, that 'in face of overwhelming stupidity, an officer is permitted to deploy sarcasm'(I appreciate the Princess' understanding of our position)."
— Shining Armor, Pony POV Series
Kara: Something wrong, Mr. Giles?
Giles: I was just reflecting on some truly horrible movies that I used to watch as a child. Mostly, we saw them on TV... we had "Creature Features" in Britain, too. They must’ve been made in the Fifties and early Sixties. Monsters or aliens would land in a small town, a bunch of teenagers would be the only ones who knew about it, and they’d be forced to defeat the monster. Then they’d go back and hit the malt shop afterwards. When I got out of my youth, I thought those were the stupidest movies I’d ever seen. And now, God help me, it seems they’re a preparatory text for my life.
Giles: I was just reflecting on some truly horrible movies that I used to watch as a child. Mostly, we saw them on TV... we had "Creature Features" in Britain, too. They must’ve been made in the Fifties and early Sixties. Monsters or aliens would land in a small town, a bunch of teenagers would be the only ones who knew about it, and they’d be forced to defeat the monster. Then they’d go back and hit the malt shop afterwards. When I got out of my youth, I thought those were the stupidest movies I’d ever seen. And now, God help me, it seems they’re a preparatory text for my life.
Merlin: Okay, seriously, can you stop it with the snark?! It's funny when it's someone else getting it, but I can't say I enjoy being on the receiving end!
Rikku: "Snark" is my default mode. Deal with it.
Rikku: "Snark" is my default mode. Deal with it.
Hugo: ...{The forcefield creator}'s hidden in the Chompy Caverns.
Spyro: (dryly) Well, isn't that fantastic.
Flynn: (sigh) Well, I can definitely get you there, but I won't guarantee I'll be going in with you.
Spyro: (dryly) Well, isn't that fantastic.
Flynn: (sigh) Well, I can definitely get you there, but I won't guarantee I'll be going in with you.
— Skylanders: Return to the Ruins, "Chompy Caverns"
Film - Animated
"Wow. Washed up at fourteen. So sad."
— Tadashi Hamada, Big Hero 6
Devon: We're trapped! Trapped!
Cornwall: Stuck here with you for five hundred years.
Devon: Oh, dear, it's learned to count.
Cornwall: If you'd got me a good lawyer, I'd have split four hundred years ago.
Devon: Now listen here, pal, I didn't come here to be insulted.
Cornwall: Oh. Where d'ya usually go?
Cornwall: Stuck here with you for five hundred years.
Devon: Oh, dear, it's learned to count.
Cornwall: If you'd got me a good lawyer, I'd have split four hundred years ago.
Devon: Now listen here, pal, I didn't come here to be insulted.
Cornwall: Oh. Where d'ya usually go?
"There are some new recruits with us I should introduce. But I'm not going to because I don't care."
—Chief Bogo, Zootopia
Batman: The kryptonite is near your heart. I don't know if I'll get it before the wound closes.
Superman: Where's The Flash when you need him?
Batman: Do me a favor and lose the sense of humor.
Superman: Do us both a favor and buy one.
Superman: Where's The Flash when you need him?
Batman: Do me a favor and lose the sense of humor.
Superman: Do us both a favor and buy one.
"Lex Luthor's attempt to win the presidency the old-fashioned way... by buying it, seems to be picking up steam. New polls show that 22% of Americans now support his third party bid. In a completely unrelated story, 22% of Americans now indicate a preference for getting *beep* in the *beep* with a red hot poker!"
—Newsaster, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies
Lex Luthor: It had to be you! The one other person in the world smart enough to stop that meteor.
Toyman: The *only* person smart enough. You couldn't do it, remember?
Toyman: The *only* person smart enough. You couldn't do it, remember?
Miguel: You said it yourself, it could be possible, and it is! It really *is* the map to El Dorado!
Tulio: You drank sea water, didn't you?
Tulio: You drank sea water, didn't you?
Miguel: I... this... can't be...
Tulio: Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... GREAT... BIG... ROCK! But I'll tell you what: I'm feeling generous today, so *you* can have *my* share!
Miguel: You don't think that... that Cortes could've gotten here before us and... and...
Tulio: And what? Taken all the *really* big rocks? The SCOUNDREL!
Tulio: Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... GREAT... BIG... ROCK! But I'll tell you what: I'm feeling generous today, so *you* can have *my* share!
Miguel: You don't think that... that Cortes could've gotten here before us and... and...
Tulio: And what? Taken all the *really* big rocks? The SCOUNDREL!
Nick Fury: We're forming a team, Janet. I believe you'd be an asset.
Janet Pym: A team for what? Superhuman softball?
Janet Pym: A team for what? Superhuman softball?
Dr. Facilier: Were I a betting man - and I'm not, I stay away from games of chance - I'd wager I'm in the company of visiting royalty.
Prince Naveen: Lawrence, Lawrence! This remarkable gentleman has just read my palm!
Lawrence: Or this morning's newspaper.
Prince Naveen: Lawrence, Lawrence! This remarkable gentleman has just read my palm!
Lawrence: Or this morning's newspaper.
Lawrence: Sire! I've been looking for you everywhere!
Prince Naveen: What a coincidence, Lawrence. I've been avoiding you everywhere!
Prince Naveen: What a coincidence, Lawrence. I've been avoiding you everywhere!
Ares: You seem as eager to meet me on the battlefield as you once did in the bedroom, Hippolyta.
Hippolyta: I only hope you prove more skilled in this arena, Ares.
Hippolyta: I only hope you prove more skilled in this arena, Ares.
Alfred Pennyworth: Late night playing cards, Master Bruce?
Batman: Something like that. How did you know?
Alfred: I believe tradition for hiding these up one's sleeve.
Batman: Was that sarcasm, Alfred?
Alfred: Mild teasing, at best. I'm being uncharacteristically gentle with you mainly because you're bleeding all over my nice clean floor.
Batman: Something like that. How did you know?
Alfred: I believe tradition for hiding these up one's sleeve.
Batman: Was that sarcasm, Alfred?
Alfred: Mild teasing, at best. I'm being uncharacteristically gentle with you mainly because you're bleeding all over my nice clean floor.
Superman: Nice outfit.
Lois Lane: Thanks. If I knew I was gonna be abducted, I might have skipped the heels.
Lois Lane: Thanks. If I knew I was gonna be abducted, I might have skipped the heels.
Grifter: I like your style, Batman. A pity we never teamed up when the world still existed.
Batman: Batman and Grifter, the boy idiot.
Batman: Batman and Grifter, the boy idiot.
Alfred Pennyworth: I hope this isn't too cramped for you. That door heads to your bath. The other, to a game room. And you also have this far your amusement. Naturally, you have the run of the mansion.
Damian Wayne: Of course. I know that. Prepare some tea, Pennyworth.
Alfred: Brown sugar instead of white, fresh-cut lemon. A china cup. Perhaps master would like some warm mixed nuts and a moist hand towel.
Damian: Watch yourself, Pennyworth. I'm not so young that I don't understand sarcasm.
Alfred: While I am much too old to care.
Damian Wayne: Of course. I know that. Prepare some tea, Pennyworth.
Alfred: Brown sugar instead of white, fresh-cut lemon. A china cup. Perhaps master would like some warm mixed nuts and a moist hand towel.
Damian: Watch yourself, Pennyworth. I'm not so young that I don't understand sarcasm.
Alfred: While I am much too old to care.
Merryweather: It looks awful.
Flora: That's because it's on you, dear.
Flora: That's because it's on you, dear.
Film - Live-Action
Reggie Hammond: You got a lady, Cates?
Jack Cates: Yeah.
Reggie: You know, the generosity of women never ceases to amaze me.
Jack Cates: Yeah.
Reggie: You know, the generosity of women never ceases to amaze me.
Reggie Hammond: Jack... Tell me a story.
Jack Cates: Fuck you!
Reggie: Oh, that's one of my favorites!
Jack Cates: Fuck you!
Reggie: Oh, that's one of my favorites!
Elaine: You know, if you let me come over to your place once in a while you could put on a clean shirt in the morning.
Jack Cates: What makes you think I got any clean shirts in my place?
Jack Cates: What makes you think I got any clean shirts in my place?
Sgt. Schenley: Well, they have one thing in common.
Inspector Trout: If you say they all died mysteriously, I'll bloody kill you.
Inspector Trout: If you say they all died mysteriously, I'll bloody kill you.
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.
— Accepted
Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Margo Channing: What are you doing here, Addison? I distinctly remember crossing you off my guest list.
Addison De Witt: Dear Margo, you were an unforgettable Peter Pan, you must play it again soon. You remember Miss Gene Caswell?
Margo: I do not, how do you do?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash Williams: Well, hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.
Ash Williams: Well, hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.
Alfred Pennyworth: Master Wayne, you've been gone a long time.
Bruce Wayne: Yes I have.
Alfred: You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.
Bruce Wayne: Yes I have.
Alfred: You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.
"Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal and I'll have my wife's brother arrested."
—Jared Bennett, The Big Short
"Nash, I don't think you could pick your nose without written instructions."
—Lieutenant Fuller, Black Christmas (1974)
Doctor: You're lucky, Black Dynamite. Three inches to the left and we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
Black Dynamite: Three inches to the right, and it would've missed my black ass.
Black Dynamite: Three inches to the right, and it would've missed my black ass.
Nancy: I'm not just a dumb blonde, you know.
Annie: Who says you're a blonde?
Annie: Who says you're a blonde?
Bonnie Parker: You're good!
Clyde Barrow: I ain't good. I'm the best!
Bonnie: And modest!
Clyde Barrow: I ain't good. I'm the best!
Bonnie: And modest!
The Priest: Would they ever harm an innocent person for any reason?
Paul Smecker: No, they would never do that. Well, the two Irish guys wouldn't. The Italian guy, he might. He's kind of an idiot.
Paul Smecker: No, they would never do that. Well, the two Irish guys wouldn't. The Italian guy, he might. He's kind of an idiot.
"Now that Duffy has relinquished his 'King Bonehead' crown, I see we have an heir to the throne!"
—Paul Smecker, The Boondock Saints
"Walter has a clear mind. One day something will enter it, feel lonely... and leave again."
—Maxwell H. Brock, A Bucket of Blood
Buffy Summers: I have something that the other girls didn't have.
Merrick Jamison-Smythe: And what might that be, pray?
Buffy: My keen fashion sense!
Merrick: Oh, vampires of the world beware.
Merrick Jamison-Smythe: And what might that be, pray?
Buffy: My keen fashion sense!
Merrick: Oh, vampires of the world beware.
Megan: Your parents didn't stay very long.
Graham: Well, I imagine it gets uncomfortable sitting that long with a stick up your ass.
Graham: Well, I imagine it gets uncomfortable sitting that long with a stick up your ass.
Judge Elihu Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short, Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short, Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
Vesper Lynd: So, as charming as you are, Mr. Bond, I will be keeping my eye on our government's money and off of your perfectly formed arse.
James Bond: You noticed.
Amos Hackshaw: Do you realize how long they've waited for me? Centuries! Millennia!
Phil Lovecraft: How long is that in dog years?
Phil Lovecraft: How long is that in dog years?
"We have no secrets from our readers. Mr. Thatcher is one of our most devoted readers, Mr. Bernstein. He knows what's wrong with every issue since I've taken charge."
—Charles Foster Kane, Citizen Kane
Bruce Wayne: You look tired, Alfred. You'll be all right without me?
Alfred Pennyworth: You can tell me the Russian for "Apply your own bloody suntan lotion."
Alfred Pennyworth: You can tell me the Russian for "Apply your own bloody suntan lotion."
Mistress: Can't we go someplace quieter? We can't hear each other talk.
Sal Maroni: What makes you think I want to hear you talk?
Sal Maroni: What makes you think I want to hear you talk?
Nero the Hero: You're blocking me, Cleopatra! My fans want to see me!
Cleopatra: Why, they've never seen a has-been before?
Cleopatra: Why, they've never seen a has-been before?
Simon Phoenix: What's this? Six of you. Such nice, tidy uniforms. Oh I'm so scared!
Police Officers: *look at each other, confused*
Phoenix: What, you guys don't have sarcasm anymore?
Police Officers: *look at each other, confused*
Phoenix: What, you guys don't have sarcasm anymore?
Goat: Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the Devil walketh about seeking whom he may devour.
Dean Portman: That's real comforting Goat, that ain't freaking me out at all.
Dean Portman: That's real comforting Goat, that ain't freaking me out at all.
—Doom
"Ingenious, Felton; only you could keep such a good brain under such a bad hat."
—King Einon, Dragonheart
Einon: The peasants are revolting!
Brok: They've always been revolting, Prince. But *now*, they're rebelling.
Brok: They've always been revolting, Prince. But *now*, they're rebelling.
Judge Dredd: I'm wondering when you'd remember you left your helmet behind.
Cassandra Anderson: Sir, a helmet can interfere with my psychic abilities.
Dredd: Think a bullet might interfere with them more.
Cassandra Anderson: Sir, a helmet can interfere with my psychic abilities.
Dredd: Think a bullet might interfere with them more.
Davidge: Where would you be without me, huh?
Jerry: Back home.
Jerry: Back home.
Gas Station Attendant: Just passing through, huh? Boy, that motor's sure hot! You gals really must have been moving on these little machines. Yessir, the thrill of the open road. New places, new people, new sights of interest. Now that's what I believe in, seeing America first!
Varla: You won't find it down there, Columbus!
Varla: You won't find it down there, Columbus!
Amy: Well what happens if you go into that house alone, and he gets *you*? Who's gonna stop him then?
Evil Ed: Yeah, then he'll be able to suck his way through the entire town... but it wouldn't be much of a loss.
Evil Ed: Yeah, then he'll be able to suck his way through the entire town... but it wouldn't be much of a loss.
Partygoer: Dance?
Vega: No, maybe later but probably never.
Vega: No, maybe later but probably never.
Alec Trevelyan: James Bond. What an unpleasant surprise.
James Bond: We aim to please.
Jeff Kohlver: Fuck off.
Hayley Stark: Your conversational skills are really deteriorating as the day goes on.
Hayley Stark: Your conversational skills are really deteriorating as the day goes on.
Marcus: Can you spot me?
Ben: What, you don't have any cash?
Marcus: No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.
Ben: What, you don't have any cash?
Marcus: No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.
"Don't go away angry. Just...just go away."
—Jones, Heartbreak Ridge
Ernie: Gee, we don't get any smokes from you. We don't get any cash. What am I supposed to do with my afternoon?
Max: Maybe you could learn to breathe through your nose.
Max: Maybe you could learn to breathe through your nose.
Miriam Bucknell: I am not the only one who thought there was a ghost in this house, Kylie. I fact, you used to be so terrified you could not sleep.
Kylie Bucknell: Yeah, I also used to think the Moon was made of cheese. It is called childhood.
Kylie Bucknell: Yeah, I also used to think the Moon was made of cheese. It is called childhood.
"Anyone who says there's no such thing as a bad egg obviously hasn't worked in social services."
—Dennis, Housebound
Deputy Foster: What the hell's eating him?
Deputy Pullman: I bet you it ain't his girlfriend.
Deputy Pullman: I bet you it ain't his girlfriend.
Driver #1: That murdering bastard Jack Frost in there is one lucky son of a bitch.
Driver #2: Lucky? He's being executed in thirty minutes!
Driver #1: Yeah, but at least he doesn't have to drive back through this crap.
Driver #2: Deep fried Jack served at midnight!
Driver #2: Lucky? He's being executed in thirty minutes!
Driver #1: Yeah, but at least he doesn't have to drive back through this crap.
Driver #2: Deep fried Jack served at midnight!
"I'm not going to waste my time arguing with a man who's lining up to be a hot lunch."
—Hooper, Jaws
"You have never been a more endangered species than you are at this moment."
— Baloo, The Jungle Book (2016)
John Myers: Did you ever lose track of him?
Hellboy: Well let's see - there was that moment, when I had the train on top of my head...
Hellboy: Well let's see - there was that moment, when I had the train on top of my head...
Abe Sapien: You've been burned by some kind of organic acid.
Hellboy: I'm lucky that way.
Hellboy: I'm lucky that way.
John Myers: Hey, no one goes with him? Jesus.
Abe Sapien: No, he likes it that way. The whole "lonely hero" thing.
Abe Sapien: No, he likes it that way. The whole "lonely hero" thing.
"Hey, stinky! Kitchen's closed! Whatcha havin'? Six library guards raw, plus belts and boots? Man... you're gonna need some heavy fiber to move that out."
—Hellboy to Sammael, Hellboy (2004)
Vincent: "Patience is the chief virtue for those who have faith." Mahatma Gandhi, New Delhi, 1946.
Lt. Mike London: "Up your ass." Lieutenant Mike London, Shit Creek, the year is now.
Lt. Mike London: "Up your ass." Lieutenant Mike London, Shit Creek, the year is now.
"It's heartening to see so many strange, new faces here today. I know my mom would be very touched, and probably a little suspicious."
—Annie, Hereditary
Phil Blumburtt: Did you find the toolbox?
Howard the Duck: Yeah, I know why you want a toolbox - you got a screw loose.
Howard the Duck: Yeah, I know why you want a toolbox - you got a screw loose.
Theatre Patron #1: Say, what is it, anyhow?
Theatre Patron #2: I hear it's a kind of gorilla.
Theatre Patron #3: Gee, ain't we got enough of them in New York?
Theatre Patron #2: I hear it's a kind of gorilla.
Theatre Patron #3: Gee, ain't we got enough of them in New York?
Kelly Scott: His scales were oval. He's an Asian crocodile.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Why... why would he come here? I mean, it's impossible. Asia. How would he get here?
Hector Cyr: Obviously some asshole in Hong Kong flushed him down the toilet.
Sheriff Hank Keough: Why... why would he come here? I mean, it's impossible. Asia. How would he get here?
Hector Cyr: Obviously some asshole in Hong Kong flushed him down the toilet.
Sheriff Hank Keough: I'm a little unclear as to why the museum would send somebody here.
Kelly Scott: You got a thing against museums?
Hank: Naw, I got nothin' against museums.
Kelly: Ever been in one?
Kelly Scott: You got a thing against museums?
Hank: Naw, I got nothin' against museums.
Kelly: Ever been in one?
Jack Wells: It's not a science trip.
Kelly Scott: Could you be a little more condescending? 'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety.
Kelly Scott: Could you be a little more condescending? 'Cause I'm not real great with subtlety.
Brown Tom: Goblins... shot me through me brain pan!
Screwball: That's one place an arrow won't do no harm!
Screwball: That's one place an arrow won't do no harm!
Eloise: If you got cold feet honey, I'll take over for you. That little red dress of yours fits me just perfect.
Kiki Walker: Someday you'll try on my coffin and I hope it fits you just perfect.
Kiki Walker: Someday you'll try on my coffin and I hope it fits you just perfect.
"It may sound like music to her. I can do better with my teeth in a cold shower."
—Kiki Walker, The Leopard Man
Ozzie: You'd better watch your mouth. Go wash it out with soap right now, boy.
Alex: Sure, sure. And right after that, Ozzie, I'll be sure to ground myself for two weeks.
Alex: Sure, sure. And right after that, Ozzie, I'll be sure to ground myself for two weeks.
Roger Murtaugh: What the hell, thin's my middle name.
Martin Riggs: Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.
Martin Riggs: Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.
Ivan Vanko: My father is the reason you're alive.
Tony Stark: No, the reason I'm alive is because you made a shot, and you missed.
Tony Stark: No, the reason I'm alive is because you made a shot, and you missed.
"Let the record reflect that I observe Mr. Hammer entering the chamber and I am wondering if and when any actual expert will also be in attendance."
World Security Council: Director Fury, the council has made a decision.
Nick Fury: I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it.
Nick Fury: I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it.
Bruce Banner: Captain America is on threat watch?
Natasha Romanoff: We ALL are!
Tony Stark: You're on that list? Are you above or below angry bees?
Steve Rogers: I swear, Stark, one more wisecrack out of you...
Tony: Verbal threat! Threatening! I'm being threatened!
Natasha Romanoff: We ALL are!
Tony Stark: You're on that list? Are you above or below angry bees?
Steve Rogers: I swear, Stark, one more wisecrack out of you...
Tony: Verbal threat! Threatening! I'm being threatened!
Brandt: Is that all you've got? A cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner?
Tony Stark: Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography.
Tony Stark: Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography.
Volstagg: Escorting these scoundrels is beneath us.
Fandral: Nonsense, my rotund friend. If they were beneath you, they would all be dead!
Fandral: Nonsense, my rotund friend. If they were beneath you, they would all be dead!
Sam Wilson: 41st floor! 41st!
Nick Fury: It's not like they put the floor numbers on the outside of the building!
Nick Fury: It's not like they put the floor numbers on the outside of the building!
Alexander Pierce: I work forty floors away and it takes a hijacking for you to visit?
Nick Fury: Well, a nuclear war would do it too.
Nick Fury: Well, a nuclear war would do it too.
Dr. Helen Cho: You'll be made of you, Mr. Barton. Your own girlfriend won't be able to tell the difference.
Clint Barton: Well, I don't have a girlfriend.
Cho: That I can't fix.
Clint Barton: Well, I don't have a girlfriend.
Cho: That I can't fix.
Hank Pym: Darren, how the hell did you get in here?
Darren Cross: You left the front door open, Hank. It's official; you're old.
Darren Cross: You left the front door open, Hank. It's official; you're old.
Wong: I am now the guardian of these books. So if a volume from this collection should be stolen again, I'd know it, and you'd be dead before you ever left the compound.
Stephen Strange: What if it's just overdue? You know. Any late fees I should know about? Maiming, perhaps?
Stephen Strange: What if it's just overdue? You know. Any late fees I should know about? Maiming, perhaps?
"I thought it'd be nicer. I mean, not that it's not nice. It's just, it's on fire."
—Bruce Banner on Asgard, Thor: Ragnarok
Janis Ian: What is that smell?
Cady Heron: Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.
Janis: You smell like a baby prostitute.
Cady Heron: Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.
Janis: You smell like a baby prostitute.
"I just wanted to say that you're all winners. And that I couldn't be happier the school year is ending."
—Mr. Duvall, Mean Girls
Jonathan Mardukas: I'll give you whatever you want.
Jack Walsh: Start by shutting up. I know you all of two minutes and already I don't like ya.
Jack Walsh: Start by shutting up. I know you all of two minutes and already I don't like ya.
Jonathan Mardukas: What you think Serrano is most afraid of?
Jack Walsh: Going cross-country with you!
Jack Walsh: Going cross-country with you!
Sheriff Buster McCain: I figure that if I can't find Paul Sheldon, at least I'll find out what he wrote about.
Virginia McCain: Well, what do you expect to find? A story about a guy who drove his car off a cliff in a snowstorm?
Buster: You see, it's just that kind of sarcasm that's given our marriage real spice.
Virginia McCain: Well, what do you expect to find? A story about a guy who drove his car off a cliff in a snowstorm?
Buster: You see, it's just that kind of sarcasm that's given our marriage real spice.
Sheriff Buster McCain: Virginia, when you're in this car, you're not my wife, you're my deputy.
Virginia McCain: Well, this deputy would rather be home under the covers with the sheriff.
Virginia McCain: Well, this deputy would rather be home under the covers with the sheriff.
Chief of Police: Fred, have you flipped out, or are you trying to give me an ulcer? A smart-ass coroner comes out with a little verbal diarrhea, and you immediately go around declaring there's a maniac loose in the city.
Lt. Fred Williams: Yeah, so what do you want me to say? A boy scout's been widdling on girls with his knife?
Lt. Fred Williams: Yeah, so what do you want me to say? A boy scout's been widdling on girls with his knife?
Yegor: Mom? Mom! Are vampires real?
Irina: Yes, Yegor. They are little boys who have been known to suck all the life out of their parents.
Irina: Yes, Yegor. They are little boys who have been known to suck all the life out of their parents.
Miss Stucco: Your rights stop where Jesus says they do, and Jesus didn't like nudity.
Mrs. Druple: Well, Jesus must love hemorrhoids because he sure got a lot of assholes behind him.
Mrs. Druple: Well, Jesus must love hemorrhoids because he sure got a lot of assholes behind him.
Dr. Herman Gottlieb: This is all wrong! There should be three kaijus coming through, not two!
Dr. Newton Geiszler: There should be three and there's two? I'm sorry, it hurts to be wrong, don't it, Hermann?
Dr. Newton Geiszler: There should be three and there's two? I'm sorry, it hurts to be wrong, don't it, Hermann?
Jody: What's out there?
Mike: I don't know. It was little, brown and low to the ground.
Jody: Ahh, it was probably just a gopher in heat.
Mike: I don't know. It was little, brown and low to the ground.
Jody: Ahh, it was probably just a gopher in heat.
James Norrington: You are, without doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of.
Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.
Jack Sparrow [having just proposed a plan that would put himself in danger] : What have you got to lose?
James Norrington: Nothing I'd lament being rid of.
Steve Freeling: Tomorrow I'm going to call someone.
Diane Freeling: Like who? I looked in the Yellow Pages. "Furniture Movers" we've got; "Strange Phenomenon", there's no listing.
Diane Freeling: Like who? I looked in the Yellow Pages. "Furniture Movers" we've got; "Strange Phenomenon", there's no listing.
Dillon: Never knew how much I missed this, Dutch.
Dutch: You never were that smart.
Dutch: You never were that smart.
Lady Tanaka: Do you know how much pain $10,000 can buy?
The Punisher: Is this question true or false, or multiple choice?
The Punisher: Is this question true or false, or multiple choice?
Howard Hallenbeck: Bored? How can you be bored? This is the land of your forefathers.
Robbie Hallenbeck: Yeah, and they left.
Robbie Hallenbeck: Yeah, and they left.
Dan Cain: You can call, or write a note!
Herbert West: I was busy pushing bodies around as you well know and what would a note say, Dan? "Cat dead, details later"?
Herbert West: I was busy pushing bodies around as you well know and what would a note say, Dan? "Cat dead, details later"?
"Who's going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow."
—Herbert West, Re-Animator
Nick Walker: I'm dead?
Proctor: Let's be honest. Being a dirty cop is one of the higher shot-in-the-face percentage jobs.
Proctor: Let's be honest. Being a dirty cop is one of the higher shot-in-the-face percentage jobs.
Newsreel Announcer: Herr Hitler assures the western powers he is not massing troops at the Czech border. Here comes the Fuehrer's latest symbol of German progress, the airship Luxembourg, beginning its American tour to promote world peace.
Cliff Secord: World peace? What he means is a piece of the world!
Cliff Secord: World peace? What he means is a piece of the world!
"Zombie! Carl's a zombie! No longer a soulless, mindless, walking-dead corporate zombie, but a real zombie!"
—Iggy, The Slaughter
Mitchell Garabedian: I'm Armenian. How many Armenians do you know in Boston?
Mike Rezendes: Steve Kurkjian, works at the Globe...
Garabedian: Oh. That's two. You should get a prize or something.
Mike Rezendes: Steve Kurkjian, works at the Globe...
Garabedian: Oh. That's two. You should get a prize or something.
McCoy: Hey, look, I did real good back there!
Tom Cody: So what? I'm all outta medals! Besides, you're gettin' paid.
Tom Cody: So what? I'm all outta medals! Besides, you're gettin' paid.
Atticus Finch: Good Afternoon Miss Dubose... My, you look like a picture this afternoon.
Scout: *whispering* He don't say a picture of what.
Scout: *whispering* He don't say a picture of what.
"The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid. Great balls of fire!"
—Goose, Top Gun
Earl Bassett: Damn it, listen to me. I'm older and wiser.
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well you're half right.
Valentine McKee: Yeah, well you're half right.
Malica: Give me a break. Do you all actually believe in trolls?
Hans: You think a squirrel rampaged through here?
Hans: You think a squirrel rampaged through here?
Peter Loew: How could somebody MIS-file something? What could be easier? It's all alphabetical. You just PUT it IN the RIGHT FILE! According to ALPHABETICAL ORDER! You know - A, B, C, D, E, F, G! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P! Q, R, S, T, U, V! W, X, Y, Z! HUH? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!
Dr. Glaser: Very good, you know your alphabet.
Dr. Glaser: Very good, you know your alphabet.
Robert Graysmith: So who is this guy?
Paul Avery: He wants to remain anonymous, I wish to remain infamous... so we'll get along great.
Paul Avery: He wants to remain anonymous, I wish to remain infamous... so we'll get along great.
Literature
Their little band of adventurers needed another smart-ass like they needed ten years of bad luck.
Sam Vimes [while dressed in nothing but his underwear in the middle of a forest, with his friend suggesting he put some clothes on before the girl who helped rescue him comes back] : I'll give you five minutes to find a clothes shop, shall I?
Actor: Are you always a wise-ass?
Harry: No, sometimes I'm asleep.
Harry: No, sometimes I'm asleep.
Rest assured, I’m not hurt in the least, that you chose to thank him before you thanked me. I mean, I was only the man who stood by and helped you through the system after the ill-timed murder of Alexandria and Director Tagg, right in front of me, but yes. The man who gives fashion advice is a higher priority.
— Quinn Calle, Worm
"Haven't you heard of science's latest triumph? The doorbell."
— Waldo Lydecker, Laura
Harry: So what is an Unbreakable Vow?
Ron: Well, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow.
Harry: I figured that out for myself, funnily enough.
Ron: Well, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow.
Harry: I figured that out for myself, funnily enough.
"Some time ago, in the cathedral of Cologne, I saw the skull of John the Baptist at the age of twelve."
"Really?" I exclaimed, amazed. Then, seized by doubt, I added, "But the Baptist was executed at a more advanced age!"
"The other skull must be in another treasury," William said, with a grave face. I never understood when he was jesting. In my country, when you joke you say something and then you laugh very noisily, so that everyone shares the joke. But William laughed only when he said serious things, and remained very serious when he was presumably joking.
"Really?" I exclaimed, amazed. Then, seized by doubt, I added, "But the Baptist was executed at a more advanced age!"
"The other skull must be in another treasury," William said, with a grave face. I never understood when he was jesting. In my country, when you joke you say something and then you laugh very noisily, so that everyone shares the joke. But William laughed only when he said serious things, and remained very serious when he was presumably joking.
Rear Admiral Alexander Koenig: I don't believe in "galactic empires". [snorts] The whole idea is silly, given the size of the galaxy.
Captain Randolph Buchanan: Well, the Sh'daar appear to believe in the concept, Admiral. And I doubt very much that it matters whether they agree with you on the point or not.
Captain Randolph Buchanan: Well, the Sh'daar appear to believe in the concept, Admiral. And I doubt very much that it matters whether they agree with you on the point or not.
— Star Carrier: Earth Strike
Keith: Er... how will we know it's the entrance to a secret passage? What does a secret passage entrance look like?
Malicia: It won't look like one, of course!
Maurice: Oh, well, in that case I see dozens of secret passages. Doors, windows, that calendar from the Acme Poison Company, that cupboard over there, that rathole, that desk, that-
Malicia: You're just being sarcastic.
Maurice: Actually, I was just being flippant, but I can do sarcastic if you like.
Jake: <You okay?>
Marco: <Oh, yeah, I'm great. I fell about a billion feet and landed on a steel trampoline. Couldn't be better.>
Rachel: <Sarcasm. He must be okay.>
— Animorphs #10: The Android
"Did you eat a rulebook?" Finnah asks archly.
"They're delicious as a chiffonade with lemon juice," Amaia says. And she says this exactly the same way she says everything else, not even slightly giggling at her own joke, so it takes Finnah a tick to laugh.
"They're delicious as a chiffonade with lemon juice," Amaia says. And she says this exactly the same way she says everything else, not even slightly giggling at her own joke, so it takes Finnah a tick to laugh.
— Elcenia
Thomas: You're dead.
Live-Action TV
Joey: My character is coming out of his coma! [...] And not only that, I'm getting a new brain!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
— Friends, "The One with Joey's New Brain"
The Doctor: (picks up Hydroflax's disembodied head) We have to assume the body is homing in on this.
River: So how do we stop it?
The Doctor: Well, we could chop his head off. (holds up head) Oh, look!
River: Does sarcasm help?
The Doctor: Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?
River: So how do we stop it?
The Doctor: Well, we could chop his head off. (holds up head) Oh, look!
River: Does sarcasm help?
The Doctor: Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?
— Doctor Who, "The Husbands of River Song"
Carly: I can't do iCarly without Sam, she's my co-host!
Brad: Sorry, but our executives found her pushy and aggressive.
Freddie: ...She is pushy and aggressive!
Carly: That's her thing!
Brad: Sorry, but our executives found her pushy and aggressive.
Freddie: ...She is pushy and aggressive!
Carly: That's her thing!
—iCarly, "iCarly Saves TV"
Clarkson: [standing in front of the Mercedes' boot] Are you ready for this?
[Clarkson pushes a button and the boot lid closes]
May: That's brilliant, actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this. [closes the boot lid by hand]
[Clarkson pushes a button and the boot lid closes]
May: That's brilliant, actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this. [closes the boot lid by hand]
Frasier: When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.
Niles: I'm having one now.
Cylon Pilot: Sir, if I may.
Baltar: Not now. I don't want to miss a moment of the last battlestar's destruction.
Cylon Pilot: I really think you should take a look at the other battlestar.
Baltar: Not now. I don't want to miss a moment of the last battlestar's destruction.
Cylon Pilot: I really think you should take a look at the other battlestar.
Your brain is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
— Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder
Woman: There are two things you must know about the wise woman. One... she is a woman. And two... she is...
Blackadder: Wise?
Woman: You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, no, just a wild stab in the dark. Which, is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
"Do you have any idea how long someone as sarcastic as I am would last in prison? Such a long time."
— Jeff Winger, Community
Peter Hastings: Please don't be sarcastic, Spencer.
Spencer Hastings: That's, like, the mother tongue in this house.
"She's a sarcastronaut and she rides an ironicycle."
— JP, Fresh Meat
"I provide ... much needed sarcasm."
— Anya Jenkins, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I'm not sure if you're aware, Tom, but the mob isn't generally in the habit of electing ungodly apostates who denigrate people of faith.
— Gaius Baltar, Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Regina: (holds up rotten apples) My tree is dying. Why?
Gold: Perhaps it's your fertilizer.
Gold: Perhaps it's your fertilizer.
— Once Upon a Time, "An Apple Red as Blood"
Newspaper Comics
Dilbert: On this graph, I have plotted the frequency of snide comments that you have made about me. I'm happy to report that the recent trend is downward. See the big dip?
Dogbert: Get out your pencil...
Dogbert: Get out your pencil...
— Dilbert
Video Games
"That's what I'm here for. To deliver unpleasant news and witty one-liners."
— Alistair, Dragon Age: Origins
Sten: Interesting strategy. Tell me, do you intend to keep going north until it becomes south and attack the Archdemon from the rear?
Warden: It'll never see this coming.
Sten: Truly, it would surprise me if my enemy counter-attacked by running away and climbing a mountain.
Morrigan: I do not fear the moon so I need stories so that I may sleep at night.
Leliana: So...you don't believe in any higher power at all? Doesn't that get lonely?
Morrigan: Wow. You saw through my cold exterior and saw the bleating lamb just begging for love and guidance! Thank you!
Leliana: ...you appear to be mocking me.
Morrigan: You noticed!? Your powers of perception know no bounds!
Wynne: Have you given any thought to your future, Shale?
Shale: I was thinking I might, oh, join the Chantry. Become Divine. And have giant Andraste golems fashioned to conquer the lands!
Wynne: Truly?
Shale: No-ooo.
Shale: I have a question it may be able to answer, elder mage.
Wynne: Must it always be "elder mage?" I am not a wizened old crone just yet.
Shale: Would it prefer "mage well past her prime, don't mind the sagging bits?"
Teagan: It's... Tomas, yes? And who are these people with you? They are obviously not simple travelers.
Shale: Oh, good eye!
Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - well, we are going somewhere; alarmingly fast, actually - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.
— GLaDOS while freefalling down a Bottomless Pit, Portal 2
A totally respectable showing. I mean, BEFORE you messed up and ended up dead.
— The Killer, The Jackbox Party Pack
Apparently pressing a couple of buttons is more difficult than I had previously thought.
— M.O.T.H.E.R, The Jackbox Party Pack
Lashowe: Do you know how many Sith there are on this planet?
Jolee Bindo: Twelve! No, wait! Thirteen!
Canderous Ordo: Nice one, old man.
Jolee Bindo: Thank you. It takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age.
Jolee Bindo: Twelve! No, wait! Thirteen!
Canderous Ordo: Nice one, old man.
Jolee Bindo: Thank you. It takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age.
Walton Simons: You take another step forward, and here I am again, like your own reflection repeated in a hall of mirrors.
JC Denton: That makes me one ugly son of a bitch. How'd my face get all marked-up with bioelectrics?
— Deus Ex
Agent Milton: You're a wanted man, Mr. Morgan. There's five thousand dollars for your head, alone.
Arthur Morgan: Five thousand dollars? For me? (Beat) Can I turn myself in?
Arthur Morgan: Five thousand dollars? For me? (Beat) Can I turn myself in?
Web Original
Suicide: It's just getting interesting, albeit in a car-wreck-reminiscent way, and you chicken out of the Duty? What does that make you?
Ithalond: Isildur?
Ithalond: Isildur?
— Protectors of the Plot Continuum, 'Twas Many and Many a Year Ago, in a Nondescript Random Town by the Sea
"Seems legit."
"Cool story bro."
Western Animation
Comic Book Guy: Oh, yeah, everyone's real happy now.
Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?
Professor Frink: Are you kidding, this baby is off the chart!
Comic Book Guy: Ooh, a sarcasm detector! That's a real useful invention!
[sarcasm detector explodes]
Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?
Professor Frink: Are you kidding, this baby is off the chart!
Comic Book Guy: Ooh, a sarcasm detector! That's a real useful invention!
[sarcasm detector explodes]
Lana: CAPTAIN LAMMERS?!
Teacher: You got one write-in vote for "Most Sarcastic"!
Helen: [Frustrated Daria isn't shooting at her] Daria, you could at least try.
Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint, anyway.
— Daria, "The Daria Hunter" - the Paintball Episode.
Toph: Oh, Sokka, you saved me! (Cheek kiss)
Suki: Actually, it's me.
Toph: (Embarrassed) Oh... well... You can go ahead and let me drown now.
Unicron: I have summoned you here for a purpose.
Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron!
Unicron: Then it pleases me to be the first.
Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron!
Unicron: Then it pleases me to be the first.
Scammer: Maybe you've never been led into a deadly trap before, but the correct response should be "Ah! No! Spare us!"
(Eda and Lilith share a smirk)
Eda: Ah, sure. Spare us.
Lilith: (as she's summoning her staff) Woe to us whose fates are sealed.
(Eda and Lilith share a smirk)
Eda: Ah, sure. Spare us.
Lilith: (as she's summoning her staff) Woe to us whose fates are sealed.
— The Owl House, "Sense and Insensitivity"
