Quotes / Deadpan Snarker

Comic Book Guy: Oh, yeah, everyone's real happy now.
Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?
Professor Frink: Are you kidding, this baby is off the chart!
Comic Book Guy: Ooh, a sarcasm detector! That's a real useful invention!
[sarcasm detector explodes]

Their little band of adventurers needed another smart-ass like they needed ten years of bad luck.

Dilbert: On this graph, I have plotted the frequency of snide comments that you have made about me. I'm happy to report that the recent trend is downward. See the big dip?
Dogbert: Get out your pencil...

Lashowe: Do you know how many Sith there are on this planet?
Jolee Bindo: Twelve! No, wait! Thirteen!
Canderous Ordo: Nice one, old man.
Jolee Bindo: Thank you. It takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age.

"That's what I'm here for. To deliver unpleasant news and witty one-liners."
Alistair, Dragon Age: Origins

Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.

Meg: [nervously] What are you going to do if I tell you?
Erik: Steal her away from the pretty boy kicking and screaming, and drag her down to my underground lair to make her my eternal bride. [beat] I am being sarcastic, of course.

Clarkson: [standing in front of the Mercedes' boot] Are you ready for this?
[Clarkson pushes a button and the boot lid closes]
May: That's brilliant, actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this. [closes the boot lid by hand]

"Division of labor. I come up with the plans, and you laugh at them."
Vlad Taltos, Iorich

Actor: Are you always a wise-ass?
Harry: No, sometimes I'm asleep.

Quinn Calle: Rest assured, Iím not hurt in the least, that you chose to thank him before you thanked me. I mean, I was only the man who stood by and helped you through the system after the ill-timed murder of Alexandria and Director Tagg, right in front of me, but yes. The man who gives fashion advice is a higher priority.

Baco: There's things living down here, aren't there? Terrible scary things with very sharp teeth? And monstrously bad breath...very, very warm bad breath...that tickles the back of your neck when one is right behind you.
[Baco ducks, and the monster jumps over him and attacks Wyl Tarson, only to be shot by Laynara]
Laynara: I hate bad breath.
[another time, the team is waiting for a saboteur to deactivate a force field protecting the communications center they're trying to break into]
Baco: Wow ...I never thought there'd be so much sitting around on a suicide mission.
Wyl: If you'd like to volunteer to test that energy barrier, then by all means. It could be a fake, you know.
Baco: [pointing to a skeleton lying just in front of the force field] No, that's fine. He covered it.
Star Wars: Rebellion Volume 2: The Ahakista Gambit

"I've long since given up on understanding everything that happens to us. I just roll with it and make fun of the really stupid stuff."
Garcie, We Are Our Avatars

Sif: You would call your brother a simpering Lady?
Loki: [dryly] The Lady Thor's womanly charm is unmatched by all but our mother.
Trials of the Trickster King, Chapter Five (No, it is not a Gender Flip fic)

"I am moving across the country. It is moderately time-consuming."
Alicorn, explaining why HTHT wouldn't update on July 28

Frasier: When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.

Cylon Pilot: Sir, if I may.
Baltar: Not now. I don't want to miss a moment of the last battlestar's destruction.
Cylon Pilot: I really think you should take a look at the other battlestar.

Charlie: I don't pay you to insult me!
Berta: You'd have to pay me not to.

Avon: Shut up, Tarrant.
Tarrant: What did you say?
Avon: I said shut up. I apologize for not realizing you are deaf.
Tarrant: There's something else you haven't realized. I don't take any orders from you!
Avon: Well, that's a pity, since your own ideas are so very limited.
Tarrant: Don't try and bluff your way with me, Avon. I know what's been needling you all along. With Blake gone you thought you'd got it made, didn't you. You thought you'd got control of this ship and a crew of five who'd say "Yes, Avon, whatever you want, Avon." But you reckoned without me!
Avon: That wouldn't be too difficult.
Blake's 7

Archer: Nice read, Velma.

Frankly, Baldrick, if a hungry cannibal were to crack open your skull, I doubt there'd be enough brains in there to cover a small water biscuit.
Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder

I'm not sure if you're aware, Tom, but the mob isn't generally in the habit of electing ungodly apostates who denigrate people of faith.
Gaius Baltar, Battlestar Galactica (2003)

Vesper Lynd: So, as charming as you are, Mr. Bond, I will be keeping my eye on our government's money and off of your perfectly formed arse.
James Bond: You noticed.

Devon: We're trapped! Trapped!
Cornwall: Stuck here with you for five hundred years.
Devon: Oh, dear, it's learned to count.
Cornwall: If you'd got me a good lawyer, I'd have split four hundred years ago.
Devon: Now listen here, pal, I didn't come here to be insulted.
Cornwall: Oh. Where d'ya usually go?

"Don't go away angry. Just...just go away."
Jones, Heartbreak Ridge

"Haven't you heard of science's latest triumph? The doorbell."
Waldo Lydecker, Laura

Sten: Interesting strategy. Tell me, do you intend to keep going north until it becomes south and attack the Archdemon from the rear?
Warden: It'll never see this coming.
Sten: Truly, it would surprise me if my enemy counter-attacked by running away and climbing a mountain.

Margo Channing: What are you doing here, Addison? I distinctly remember crossing you off my guest list.
Addison De Witt: Dear Margo, you were an unforgettable Peter Pan, you must play it again soon. You remember Miss Gene Caswell?
Margo: I do not, how do you do?

Morrigan: I do not fear the moon so I need stories so that I may sleep at night.
Leliana: So...you don't believe in any higher power at all? Doesn't that get lonely?
Morrigan: Wow. You saw through my cold exterior and saw the bleating lamb just begging for love and guidance! Thank you!
Leliana: ...you appear to be mocking me.
Morrigan: You noticed!? Your powers of perception know no bounds!

"She's a sarcastronaut and she rides an ironicycle."
JP, Fresh Meat

Teacher: You got one write-in vote for "Most Sarcastic"!
Rear Admiral Alexander Koenig: I don't believe in "galactic empires". [snorts] The whole idea is silly, given the size of the galaxy.
Captain Randolph Buchanan: Well, the Sh'daar appear to believe in the concept, Admiral. And I doubt very much that it matters whether they agree with you on the point or not.
Star Carrier: Earth Strike

"Seems legit."
"Cool story bro."

"You want to say something snappy, now would be a good time."

"I provide ... much needed sarcasm."
Anya Jenkins, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"Wow. Washed up at fourteen. So sad."
Tadashi Hamada, Big Hero 6

Alec Trevelyan: James Bond. What an unpleasant surprise.
James Bond: We aim to please.

James Norrington: You are, without doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of.
Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.

Keith: Er... how will we know it's the entrance to a secret passage? What does a secret passage entrance look like?
Malicia: It won't look like one, of course!
Maurice: Oh, well, in that case I see dozens of secret passages. Doors, windows, that calendar from the Acme Poison Company, that cupboard over there, that rathole, that desk, that-
Malicia: You're just being sarcastic.
Maurice: Actually, I was just being flippant, but I can do sarcastic if you like.

"Do you have any idea how long someone as sarcastic as I am would last in prison? Such a long time."
Jeff Winger, Community

Peter Hastings: Please don't be sarcastic, Spencer.
Spencer Hastings: That's, like, the mother tongue in this house.

Helen: [Frustrated Daria isn't shooting at her] Daria, you could at least try.
Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint, anyway.
Daria, "The Daria Hunter" - the Paintball Episode.

"You have never been a more endangered species than you are right now."

Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - well, we are going somewhere; alarmingly fast, actually - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.
GLaDOS while freefalling down a Bottomless Pit, Portal 2

Lieutenant Peters: You wanna play cop, join the department and get yourself a badge! Until then, stay out of my way!
Supergirl: You need a hint as to what you can do with your badge, Peters?

Supergirl: Eliza, Jeremiah ó Do you need help?
Eliza: Not at all! I live to work hours cleaning twenty square feet.
Supergirl: Sarcasm is not unique to Earth, you know.
Eliza: Good. You already speak my language. This adjustment process will be easy.

Superman: (while standing in a spaceship, with a gaping whole blown in the side of it by a giant) Grifter, take your friend hiding in the rafters—
???: Deathblow.
Superman: Seriously? Never mind, just let me handle this—
Grifter: But the hull is breached!
Superman: You think...?

Sherman Schrader: Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.

Harry: So what is an Unbreakable Vow?
Ron: Well, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow.
Harry: I figured that out for myself, funnily enough.

Suicide: It's just getting interesting, albeit in a car-wreck-reminiscent way, and you chicken out of the Duty? What does that make you?
Ithalond: Isildur?
Protectors of the Plot Continuum, 'Twas Many and Many a Year Ago, in a Nondescript Random Town by the Sea

Jack Sparrow [having just proposed a plan that would put himself in danger] : What have you got to lose?
James Norrington: Nothing I'd lament being rid of.

Sam Vimes [while dressed in nothing but his underwear in the middle of a forest, with his friend suggesting he put some clothes on before the girl who helped rescue him comes back] : I'll give you five minutes to find a clothes shop, shall I?

"Some time ago, in the cathedral of Cologne, I saw the skull of John the Baptist at the age of twelve."
"Really?" I exclaimed, amazed. Then, seized by doubt, I added, "But the Baptist was executed at a more advanced age!"
"The other skull must be in another treasury," William said, with a grave face. I never understood when he was jesting. In my country, when you joke you say something and then you laugh very noisily, so that everyone shares the joke. But William laughed only when he said serious things, and remained very serious when he was presumably joking.

The Red Prince: (after spotting a large pool of water) I fancy a swim.
Sebille: You need a bath

The Doctor: (picks up Hydroflax's disembodied head) We have to assume the body is homing in on this.
River: So how do we stop it?
The Doctor: Well, we could chop his head off. (holds up head) Oh, look!
River: Does sarcasm help?
The Doctor: Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?
Doctor Who, "The Husbands of River Song"