Quotes / Blatant Lies

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    Anime and Manga 

Rider: Um, I have this "Airhead" as a skill...
Shinji: Liar! Your status page isn't even updated!!

    Fan Works 

Light: No one is listening to you, Ryuk.
Sayu: What does "Ryuk" mean?
Light: Uh, It's my new name for you. It means Ke$ha in Japanese.

    Film - Animated 

Logan, I think we lost him!
Deadpool, as The Incredible Hulk is three feet behind them, Hulk Vs Wolverine

    Film - Live-Action 

Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, I thought you'd left!
Chicolini: Oh no, I no leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Quill: You look like Mary Poppins!
Yondu: Is he cool?
Quill: ...Hell yeah, he's cool.
Yondu: I'm Marry Poppins, y'all!

You have nice manners for a thief, and a LIAR!

Mook: It's fine. Everything's under control...
Frank: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, dumbass!

She... she gets serious nightmares.
Paulie caught entangled with her girlfriend by a roommate, Lost and Delirious

Don't run! We are your friends!
— The Martians while blasting everything in sight with laser guns, Mars Attacks!

I did say that, but nothing I ever told you was true.
Mark to Amber, The Other Woman

    Literature 

It was a difficult time. I did all that I could to protect my House and then other members of Court in attendance. More's the pity that I could not save that usurping, traitorous bitch.
Lara Raith in one of her blunter moments, White Night

My eyes settled on their dining room table. There was a stack of money, wrapped with a paper band just as the money in the lunchbox had been. Beside the money, plain as day, was the dark gray metal of a handgun.
My attention caught by the gun, I only barely caught my dad's question. "What are they like?"
"They seem like good people."
Worm

"She's my friend."
"Was," I said. "It's a big difference."
Sundancer looked at the mound of ice, rock and forcefields. Echidna was thrusting her clawed hands through the barriers, only for them to be reinforced.
"Are there... does she have anyone inside her?"
"There's-" Tattletale started. I flew a bug into her mouth and down her throat, and she choked.
"No," I lied. "I've been keeping track with my bugs. Weld and the others got everyone out."
Saved everyone they could. If Weld had backed out and nobody else was able to free the small handful that were still trapped, that was it.
Nobody was correcting me. They knew, but they weren’t correcting me.
Worm

Wedge: We'll need a wheeled transport, one of the flatcam units our pursuers are carrying, and four sets of women's clothing.
Hobbie: Boss, please tell me you're not putting us in women's clothing.
Wedge: Very well. I'm not putting us in women's clothing.
(In the next chapter, the four pilots are in women's clothing)
Hobbie: You lied to me.
Wedge: I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators.
Hobbie: My faith is shattered.
Wedge: You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion.
Hobbie: I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me.

    Live-Action TV 

Sometimes the truth hurts. In these situations, I recommend lying.

I'll just go in this police box and arrest myself.
The Doctor, whose spaceship resembles a police box, Doctor Who

The Doctor: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any Nitro-9, have you?
Ace: What if I had?
The Doctor: Naturally, you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
Ace: Of course not. I'm a good girl, I do what I'm told.
The Doctor: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.
Ace: (delighted grin)
Doctor Who, "Silver Nemesis"

Dougal: Why didn't you lie to him?
Ted: I did! I told him great big massive lies with feckin' bells hanging off them!
Father Ted, "Entertaining Father Stone"

The truth.
Patrick Kielty, answering "Unlikely Things to Hear in a TV Election Debate", Series/Mock the Week

I just want us to be friends.
Randall Flynn, a man who says this twice to people who came to wish they never made a deal with him, and his definition of "friend" is quite twisted, Revolution, "The Children's Crusade"

Joe: She murdered him?
Matt: A mercy-killing, she'd call it.
Joe: So when did you find out about this? I mean, when did you know that this had happened?
(Cut to Matt and the rest of the group staring in horror at the livestream of Jennifer forcing poison into Harry's mouth)
Matt: Wipe and destroy everything. Okay? Everything! Now, go!

    Music 

Genesis P-Orridge: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
(tape plays)
Tape: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
— From a 1980 show at Sheffield University

    Newspaper Comics 

Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security.
Sincerely, The President.
P.S. Really.
— A letter given to Mrs. Wormwood, Calvin and Hobbes

Dilbert: Why have you ignored my request, Ted?
Ted: I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels.
Wally: He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie.
Dilbert: I demand a plausible lie!
Ted: Okay, maybe I wasn't killed by giant military squirrels. But I was imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth.
Wally: You can't prove that one either way.
Dilbert: He did say it was a "secret" lair.
Dilbert

    Stand-Up Comedy 

Cop: What's going on, sir? You seem to be injured.
Uncle Donnie: Oh, this! I got to tell you, some fucking psycho just cut my fucking hand off and made limb stew out of those three mutilated fuckers floating around the boat, here. He's swimming that way if you want to fucking catch the bastard.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Uncle Donnie: I had a few chardonnays, what else?
Cop: You're going to have to come with us.
Uncle Donnie: Alright, Sherlock Holmes, I killed them. But, you'll never catch me 'cuz I'm the fastest fucking butterfly swimmer in the fucking world!
Adam Sandler, "The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie"

    Video Games 

Zozo? Never heard of it.
— A thief standing by the entrance of Zozo, Final Fantasy VI

Maurice Chavez: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero. But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!
Alex Shrub: No one is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not — I shall not — I cannot stoop to your level! They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano. And I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers!
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Pressing Issues

Hello i am in braille
— A book translated from Morse Code, A Super Mario Thing

Jade: Well now... I'll just ask him a little about Mt. Roneal... Please wait outside, everyone.
(everyone is outside, with Jade alone with Dist in the room)
Jade: ...
Dist: (while the ground is shaking) ... AAAAAAHHH!! S-stop! Stop! You're killing me!! Jade, I'm sorryyyyyy!!!
Jade: (comes out alone, completely deadpan) It seems the earthquakes have led to more frequent avalanches. Also, an extremely powerful monster has taken up residence in the deeper parts. The monsters in the area have likely grown aggressive due to at influence.
Luke: O-okay... Um, about that scream just now...
Jade: Oh, that was nothing. Now let's be going.
Luke: Right...

There's a limit, even to obvious lies.
Reimu Hakurei, Touhou

Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu: Let's talk about you, instead. Yes, you are a little too comfortable with lying.
Marisa Kirisame: That isn't true. I haven't told a single lie since I was born.
Touhou Kaeidzuka ~ Phantasmagoria of Flower View

    Webcomics 

I HAVE NO LASERS, AND I WILL LASER TO DEATH ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

Maura: Hey, babe. Where've you been?
Clango: Nowhere! I briefly ceased to exist in time and space!
Maura: That doesn't sound suspicious at all.

Antimony: Hello. I would like to enter, please.
Doorbot: Robots onl... what's that on your head?
Antimony: These are my antennas, because I am clearly a robot.
Doorbot: Oh! Well... it's true that some robots have antennas... hmm...
Antimony: Also, robots never lie.
Doorbot: Hey, you're right! Come on in, friends!
Antimony: We are looking for a particular robot. A... fellow robot. Because we are also robots.
Doorbot: Administration is right down that way.
Reynardine: Your powers of deception and trickery are bewildering, child.

Soldier: Come on, guys? Why would I lie? We're all Americans here!
Ms. Pauling: Well, not all of us, obviously. I mean, Medic's German and Heavy's from Russ-
Medic: (kaf)
Heavy: (nudge nudge)
Ms. Pauling: Ow! What? Oh.
Heavy: Ha ha! Germany! Russia! Is big joke! Big American joke on Soldier!
Soldier: Ha! You got me!
Heavy: Ohh, America, it is the place I am from. All the time.

    Web Original 

Jon: FALCON PAWNCH!
Evan: I wonder who you are.
Jon: I'm, uh, Mario.
Azura: Mario has the PAWNCH?
Jon: Mario has a poncho. He's, uh, from Mexico.
Azura: Sweet.
Ashley: Or is he from Spain?
Jon: Ethnic minority Mario! Collect them all!
ProtonJon and his friends, waiting for the next match to begin

FUN FOR ALL THE FAMILY
Zero Punctuation, part of the end credits in for Tomodachi Life

    Western Animation 

Superintendent Chalmers: (spots Skinner's burning kitchen) Good Lord! What is happening in there?!
Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis.
Chalmers: A-Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day?! In this part of the country?! LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN?!
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: (beat) May I see it?

    Real Life 

If you saw a bullet hit a bird and he told you he wasn't shot, you might weep at his courtesy, but you would certainly doubt his word.

Bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.
Harry Frankfurt, "On Bullshit"


http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/BlatantLies