A 2007 short story by horror writer Kim Newman
, part of his "Diogenes Club
" sequence of stories featuring Seventies
psychic detective / glam-rock fashion enthusiast Richard Jeperson. Unlike the other stories in this sequence, which are set around the 1960s-1970s, this one transplants Jeperson to the modern day. It's the 21st century Where Are They Now Revival
TV movie to the earlier stories' seventies action series.
It's the new millennium, and strange things are afoot on the long-deserted and distant island of Skerra, located at the point where the borders between Britain and Iceland become vague. A survey team has disappeared, but not before sending back an unsettling discovery — a bloody jacket, 1970s style, covered in the blood of two men; long-retired psychic detective
Richard Jeperson, and Sewell Head, a humble sweet-shop employee and pub quiz champion. Problem is, there's only one jacket like that in the world, Jeperson owns it, and he's certainly never fought Sewell Head to the death while wearing it. Convinced that the appearance of the second jacket means that bad things are afoot on Skerra, he is persuaded to come out of retirement and joins Head and others — including Detective Sergeant Stacy Cotterill, sent by her boss (and Richard's old friend) to keep an eye on him, and pompous government scientist Adam Onions — on a reconnaissance mission to find out exactly what's going on. Realities are beginning to weaken and merge together, however, and a dastardly evil — Swellhead — is rearing its head to finish a battle that may never have began...
"Swellhead" provides examples of:
- Alternate History / Alternate Universe: The story is about what happens when one of these begins to encroach on our reality. Hint — bad things.
- In a meta-sense, as well as the alternate universe that forms the crux of the plot, the story also references and hints at several other Alternate Universes and Alternate Histories Kim Newman has written or co-written, including Anno Dracula, the Back In The USSA stories and an as-yet unpublished sequence in a Nazi-occupied Britain. Not to mention the Temps Shared World; a very different Sewell Head first appeared in "Pitbull Brittan", Newman's contribution to the first Temps anthology.
- Appropriated Appellation: Sewell Head takes on his childhood nickname of "Swellhead" when he becomes a supervillain.
- Arch-Nemesis: Jeperson for Swellhead. And the reason his plot fails, due to Swellhead's need for a Worthy Opponent who, according to tradition, will defeat him at the last moment.
- Boring but Practical: Sally defeats Miss Kill's She-Fu with some down-to-earth self-defense moves including, in the last resort, headbutting her.
- Collapsing Lair: Due to Swellhead's defeat, his ability to change reality fades; including the Elaborate Underground Base.
- Creepy Souvenir: Swellhead's lair includes a hallway where the heads of his enemies are displayed like hunting trophies.
- Crossword Puzzle: Adam Onions and Sewell Head both have subscriptions to a high-end crossword magazine that "scorned newspaper distribution. The publishers set an entrance exam for the subscription list, charging on a sliding scale, lower price for higher grades." The smug Onions pays £1,000 a year for the privilege of being counted a subscriber. Head gets his for free.
- Different World, Different Movies: The Elaborate Underground Base contains books, music and technology from the Alternate History it's originated from — such as the novelisation of 2001: A Space Odyssey by Stanley Kubrick and Ray Bradbury; however, this serves to weaken the perspective of those inside it and get them to accept its reality. At one point, Jeperson begins to think he's going senile because of it.
- Disco Dan: Both Richard Jeperson and Swellhead, in different ways; Richard, in his 'groovy' seventies gear, is completely behind the times — however, he's cheerfully accepted it and is comfortable in his niche. Swellhead is also behind the times — he holds all pop music since about 1973 in contempt, which comes back to haunt him — but one of the reasons he's doing what he's doing is to force everyone to like what he likes.
- Disproportionate Retribution: Swellhead has killed childhood bullies plus anyone who has annoyed him in any way, e.g. by singing awful pop songs.
- Doing In the Scientist: Adam Onions. Quite literally.
- Dressing as the Enemy: It works well until Swellhead tells his Faceless Goons to take their helmets off.
- Elaborate Underground Base: One seems to have appeared out of nowhere under the island of Skerra: Turns out, it actually has appeared out of nowhere; or at least, an Alternate Universe.
- Exploring the Evil Lair
- Fair Cop: Detective Sergeant Cotterill. Lampshaded; it's explicitly mentioned she was a professional model before she joined the force.
- Genius Sweet Tooth: Sewell Head has a fondness for chocolates and sweeties. The more manic his consumption becomes, the more evil he becomes.
- Genre Savvy: The villain, Swellhead, is correctly convinced he's a Bond-style villain and uses his Reality Warper powers to make this the case. Unfortunately for him, he inadvertently uses this to strengthen Richard Jeperson's own power; every villain needs a hero worthy enough to challenge him, after all...
- Grand Theft Me: A particularly insidious example; Sewell Head is gradually taken over by Swellhead, an Alternate Universe version of himself who happens to be a Bond-style supervillain. He then proceeds to do the same to other members of the party; it's implied that everyone there in one way or another has an alternate self who is somehow involved.
- He's Back: The entire story is Richard Jeperson coming out of a twenty-five year retirement to sort out his messes. He initially lampshades this, insisting that this isn't going to be "Richard Jeperson Rides Again". He gradually comes to realize what a mistake he made in retiring, however, and the ending all but states outright that Richard Jeperson is back in the game for real...
- Haunted House
- Human Chess: Mentioned as a Noodle Incident when Jeperson starts remembering events from the alternate reality; played on an estate in Surrey, on a board with electrified squares.
- Island Base
- It Is Pronounced Tro PAY: Adam Onions constantly insists that his last name is pronounced "Oh-NYE-Ons". Swellhead eventually settles his hash... by whacking him with a laptop computer.
- Just Between You and Me: Subverted with a lampshade; Swellhead claims he's not an inadequate who needs everyone to understand his plan. However, Jeperson is clever enough to figure it out anyway.
- Kneel Before Zod: "I should like you all to take a moment to pray...to me."
- Lotus Position: Given that Jeperson's not as young as he used to be, he needs some assistance assuming the position. Levitation comes in handy however when Swellhead tries opening a trapdoor beneath him.
- Magic Versus Science: An old argument between Jeperson, who takes the magic side, and Onions, who takes the science side. It's played with, however, in that Jeperson isn't exactly 'anti-science' — he just opposes Onions' particular brand of blinkered, self-serving 'practical applications' (i.e. how-can-I-exploit-this-for-personal-gain) approach.
- Mysterious Woman: Inverted with Miss Kill.
- Mutual Kill: It's implied that the final conflict between the Alternate Universe versions of Richard Jeperson and Swellhead ended in one of these.
- My Brain Is Big: There's a reason they call him Swellhead!
- Obstructive Bureaucrat: Adam Onions (It's pronounced Oh-NYE-ons), a pompous little man who's so consumed by using his special scanners to explore every single tree he comes across that he completely fails to notice that he's gotten trapped in a particularly nasty forest. To read; he's so busy looking for evidence of ghosts that that he doesn't realize — or accept — that the entire structure he's in is one large ghost. Because he and Richard have a long-standing enmity, he's also quick to smirkingly dismiss anything Jeperson says. This comes back to bite him hard.
- Popular History: In-universe; at one point, Richard Jeperson alludes to petrol shortages and power cuts, television stations ceasing transmission at 10.30pm and a terrorist bombing campaign against the mainland United Kingdom occurring in 1973. One of the other characters immediately declares that none of that happened, he's delusional and confusing The Seventies with World War II. All of that, of course, very much did happen; because she's an idiot, however, Jeperson is more amused than offended.
- Race Against the Clock: Unfortunately this works against Swellhead, as the good guys stop it at the last second, just like the movies he's based his supervillain character on.
- Reality Warper: Sewell Head / Swellhead. His supervillain plan is essentially to recreate all of reality inside his head.
- Red Right Hand: A henchman with a mechanical cutting hand, and the aptly-named Swellhead.
- Retired Badass: Richard Jeperson. Partly deconstructed, in that it's frequently pointed out — and he increasingly comes to realize and accept — that if he'd stayed in the game rather than retiring, things would have been a lot different, he could have made a lot more difference, and people might even still be alive. The ending implies He's Back for good.
- Send In The Search Team
- Shark Pool: Seeing how the place looks like a classic Supervillain Lair, Gilly asks where the alligator pit is. Sewell Head presses a button on the Cool Chair and Jeperson nearly falls into the trapdoor that opens in front of him.
- Shrine to Self: Plenty of statues of himself and Sigil Spam, but that's not enough for the Big Bad.
- Smug Snake: The smarmy New Labour civil servant "Really-A-Good-Bloke" Rory.
- Strange Salute: Swellhead's troopers salute him by placing a closed fist on their forehead; One character, observing this, struggles not to laugh (which would probably get her killed) as it's what kids use to say "knobhead".
- Take Over the World: Or actually becoming the entire world.
- Tempting Fate (In-Universe): Jeperson sits in a Lotus Position on top of the trapdoor someone has just fallen through. This is to shake the confidence of the villain, who regards him as a Worthy Opponent.
- Too Dumb to Live: Onions
- Wicked Cultured: Parodied; the villain is massively intelligent and knows pretty much everything, but a) his cultural leanings are decidedly cheesy (he likes Burt Bacharach, and has muzak versions of MOR songs playing in his Elaborate Underground Base) and b) he is actually defeated by his lack of knowledge of the younger generation's pop culture.
- Your Head Asplode
- Zee Rust: One character lampshades how things had to be big and impressive to attract funding, but now everything is expected to be smaller. Sure enough the villain is quite intrigued by a laptop.