- The entire scene with the team of programmers and their Golden-Ticket-locating supercomputer. "I am now telling the computer EXACTLY what it can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate!"
- Any of the literary references or deadpan snarking:
Mrs. Gloop: Don't just stand there! Do something!
Wonka: Help. Police. Murder.
- "My chocolate! My beautiful chocolate!"
- Mike yelling "Man overboard!" when Augustus falls in.
- The psychiatrist telling his patient the sooner he gets rid of the dreams, the sooner he gets well, the patient tells the psychiatrist his guardian angel told him where to find the golden tickets.
Psychiatrist: And what did he tell you?
Hofstetter: What difference does that make? This was a dream, a fantasy, I mean, you just said yourself—
Psychiatrist: SHUT UP, HOFSTETTER, AND TELL ME WHERE THE TICKET IS!
- You gotta love Wonka's funny literary quotes. The best part is, they were just added for the fun of it! Examples:
"Where is fancy bred... In the heart or in the head?"
"We are the music-makers..."
"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!"
- Mr. Gloop taking a bite out of a microphone.
- After Veruca falls down the shaft.
- "What is this, Wonka, some kind of funhouse?" "Why, having fun?"
- When Wonka leads everyone to the Chocolate room.
Wonka: You can't get out backwards. You gotta go forwards to go back. Trust me.
Charlie: Hey, the room is getting smaller!
Mrs. Teevee: No it's not, he's getting bigger!
Mr. Salt: He's at it again.
Violet: Where's the chocolate?
Grandpa Joe: I doubt there is any chocolate.
Mr. Salt: I doubt any of us are gonna get out of here alive.
- "I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we've learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest."
- Pretty much everything the teacher says, really. Ahem:
Teacher: Well, I can't figure out just two! So let's pretend you opened 200! Now, if you opened 200 Wonka bars, apart from being dreadfully sick, you would have used up 20% of the 1000 Wonka bars, which is 15% half over again, 10%...
- "Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know then you would be teaching me instead of me teaching you. And for a student to teach his teacher is presumptuous and rude, do I make myself clear?"
- "Class dismissed!" "Class un-dismissed." "Class re-dismissed!"
- "The suspense is terrible! (beat) I hope it will last."
- The look on Wonka's face when he says that helps.
- Personally, I love this exchange.
Veruca: He's absolutely bonkers.
Charlie: And that's not bad.
- Violet telling Veruca to shut up.
Veruca: Hey, daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want an Oompa Loompa right away!
Veruca's Dad: Alright, sweetheart. We'll buy one as soon as we get home, okay?
Veruca: No, I want an Oompa Loompa now!
Violet: Can it, you nit!
Veruca: *Silent, then grumpily takes another bite out of her candy*
- This exchange between Charlie and Grandpa Joe:
Charlie: (about Veruca) Why doesn't she listen to Mr. Wonka, Grandpa?
Grandpa Joe: Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit.'''
- In the audio commentary, Paris Themmen (Mike Teevee) goes to some effort to draw attention to this Brick Joke that no one ever seems to notice (Violet calls Veruca a nit and a twit before Joe calls her a nitwit), only to completely miss the punchline because people were talking about Denise's (Violet's) blueberry costume, instead.
- Grandpa Joe's thoughts on Veruca during the arrival of the boat.
Wonka: All aboard, everybody!
Mr. Salt: Uh, ladies first and that means Veruca!
- "Hey I don't like the look of that tunnel up there! Hey Wonka, I want off!"
- "ROUND the world and home again! THAT'S the sailor's way!"
- Veruca 's reaction to the boat ride.
Veruca: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this!
- "What is this, a Freak Out?"
- Even the horrific chicken beheading image gets a bit of humor:
Ms. Teevee: "Ugh...I think I'm gonna be sick...."
(the chicken gets beheaded with a crashing gong sound effect)
Ms. Teevee: "*B'wwwaaaa!*...Now I am gonna be sick!"
- When getting off the boat, Mike & his mom have this exchange:
Mike Teevee: "Now, why don't they ever show stuff like that on TV?"
Ms. Teevee: "Ugh...I dunno...."
- When Wonka is singing the song on the boat, Mr. Salt weakly joins in with "Rowing..."
- The whole blending room scene prior to the Gobstoppers scene can be considered a Hurricane of Puns.
- While everyone is cramped in the small space just outside the Chocolate room. Poor Augustus says this...
"Let me in! I'm starving!"
- The rich woman's husband is kidnapped, and the kidnappers are demanding a case of Wonka bars for ransom.
Mrs. Curtis What do they want? Whatever it is they can have it!
Detective: They want your case of Wonka bars.
Mrs. Curtis: *doesn't answer*
Detective: Mrs. Curtis, do you hear me? It's your husband's life or a case of Wonka Bars!
- Anybody else wonder what happened to the poor guy?
- The South American man who claims to have the last Golden Ticket is Martin Bormann. He's come out of hiding in Paraguay just to get a tour of the chocolate factory.
- Wonka plans to use his taffy machine on Mike:
Mrs. Teevee: Uh, T-T-Taffy? Wh-What's he saying?
(Oompa Loompa whispers to Wonka)
Willy Wonka: No, no. I won't hold you responsible.
(Mrs. Teevee suddenly passes out)
- In this version, Violet's father is a used-car salesman, and uses every opportunity to plug his lot. Both times Violet has to tell him to pipe down.
- About the Wonkamobile:
Charlie: Is it fast?
Grandpa Joe: It should be, she's got more gas in her than a politician!
- The scene where the entire group is trapped within the tiny black and white room, specifically
Veruca: (Her tomato red face squished between the wall and someone's torso) Let me out or I'll scream!
- The interaction between Mrs. Teevee and Grandpa Joe when the former complains about the latter's hand on her shoulder: The look on her face is absolutely priceless.
- Mrs. Gloop: ...Help Mr.Wonka Help!, I'm getting squished!, Save me!.
- During the whole scene, Wonka bangs on the walls trying to find the "other" door. He continues banging until he "finds" it, the same door they came in.
Violet's dad: That's the way we came in!
Wonka: (confused) It is? Are you sure?
Mr. Salt: We just gone through there!
Wonka: (casually leans on the door) Well how do you like—
(The door swung open, revealing a whole other room. Everyone complains.)
- When everyone first notices Augustus drinking from the river:
Charlie: Grandpa, look at Augustus!
- During Veruca's song, Wonka just stands there, not reacting when she throws some wrapping around him, then face palms and shakes his head as she continues on her tirade.
- And then she falls through the shaft.