- In the reveal trailer, Brock plays The Walking Dead and quickly gets frustrated with everyone's suggestions.
- GLaDOS' entrance when you first start the game:
Winslow: Gentlemen, I leave you to the tender mercies of GLaDOS.
(GLaDOS descends between Sam and Ash.)
GLaDOS: Good evening.
(Ash & Sam jump back in their seats, while Brock and Claptrap are merely surprised.)
Sam: Great fountains of Wayne!
Ash: What the Hell?!
Brock: What in the-
Claptrap: Hubba hubba!
GLaDOS: This completes the first test of the contestants poker faces. The bad news is you all failed miserably. The good news is you all seem evenly matched.
- "It's a mathematical certainty that 80% of you are going to lose tonight. And 100% of you will eventually die. Math is fun, don't you think?"
- Claptrap denies he can ever be affected by a Logic Bomb - then promptly falls into one and shuts down.
- That's another Mythology Gag, this time, to Portal 2: knowing robots have a weakness to these was how GLaDOS and Chell attempted to take down Wheatley after he took over the facility— his stupidity made him immune to it.
- It is also a Stealth Pun because for how much of a moron Claptrap is he is still smarter than Wheatley.
- It also means that when GLaDOS suggested using paradoxes to attack Wheatley, she was employing what she considered to be an incredibly simple trap because she considered him too stupid to reason his way out of it, only to have overestimated his intelligence anyway.
- Of course, the big irony of the whole thing is that the paradox in question - "Everything I say is a lie" - is not even a real paradox. It's an automatic lie by default.
- Ash's right hand starts tapping on the table. Brock and GLaDOS then realize that he's tapping a message in Morse Code. What does it spell?
Ash: "Drink more banang." Huh... GLaDOS: Your hand has aparently been possessed by a marketing department.
- Ash and Sam talk about exorcisms.
So Sam, is that your tricked-out 1960's DeSoto Adventurer in the parking lot? Sam:
It better be. I'd hate to believe we'd been driving in someone else's car for the last twenty-five years. Why do you ask? Ash:
I think it growled at me. Sam:
Yeah, it's done that ever since that adventure we had in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Ash:
Maybe you should see an exorcist. Sam:
That's what I keep telling Max, but then he just spins his head at me and vomits. (the scene changes to Max levitating over the table and while his head is on fire and spinning simultaneously) Max:
Anil Nathrak! (flies offscreen and a Vomit Discretion Shot ensues) Winslow: (offscreen)
I just had that cleaned!
- When you win with a particularly strong hand (like a Flush or a Full House), the next exchange may happen...
: Well, of COURSE you won with those cards. Even Steve could've won with those cards, and all he can say is "Hey-ooo!" Steve
: Hey-! Claptrap
: SHUT THE #&$%
UP, STEVE! And people say I'm annoying!
- Ash asks Claptrap about life on Pandora, which led to Ash and Brock discussing a different Pandora after hearing Claptrap's description.
- Claptrap has a fold which involves Steve shooting the hole cards.
Claptrap: There's only one way to respond to hole cards like these. (holds up his cards) Steve?
Steve: (shoots the cards out of Claptrap's hand) Heyoooooo!
Claptrap: ...so yeah, that's a fold.
Sam: (glances back and holds up his cards)
Max: BANZAI!!! (empties his Luger shooting the cards)
- Brock going on a cold streak:
Brock: (as he folds) Thanks for another crappy hand, lady.
GLaDOS: You're welcome. It's nice to be appreciated.
- Brock hates runs of bad cards...
Brock: I haven't seen a run this ugly since Dean tried out for the track team.
- ...and just to rub things in when he gets a bad river:
Brock: I haven't seen a river this full of shit since the Mekong Delta.
- Another one of Brock's folds:
Brock: I wouldn't give these cards to my twelfth worst enemy.
Sam: Twelfth worst?
Brock: One through eleven are dead. Wouldn't be much point.
- A look in on Claptrap's well nuanced decision making process:
- Brock's reaction to Claptrap playing dubstep.
: Aw, Jesus, can't you play some Zeppelin
or something? Claptrap
: You better get used to this sound, grandpa, because the dub is the only music that survives the Great Digital Event Horizon of 2033. Boom! Brock
: Great, another reason to die young.
- Claptrap is rather intrigued by Sam being an anthropomorphic dog.
You got another dog question, don't you? Claptrap:
Seriously, can you blame me? How often does a guy get a chance to chat up a talking dog? It's like interviewing a unicorn! Sam:
Fine, but nothing about my privates or floor-scooting. Claptrap:
Okay, okay. One, can you eat chocolate!? Two, do you date human women or talking dogs like yourself!? And three, can you sense earthquakes before they happen!? Sam:
One, yes, but I really shouldn't, because it goes straight to my hips. Two, don't tell anyone, but I'm kind of off the market right now. And three, we can't sense earthquakes, but sometimes we cause them. (Room begins shaking)
So, what's it like living in black and white? Sam:
Oh, we don't see in black and white, that's just an old wives' tale, like the one about representative democracy. We can see in color, it just looks like this. (Snaps his fingers, and the players vision becomes clouded with hazes of red and green) Claptrap:
Woah, dude, I am totally tripping balls right now! Sam: (Snaps everything back to normal)
We can also "see" fear and "smell" sarcasm. Claptrap: Oooooh, impressive! Sam: (Sneezes) Claptrap:
Hey, it worked!
- Claptrap begins glitching out in the middle of the game.
Claptrap: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh (Continues)
Ash: What's wrong with the toaster?
GLaDOS: His audio output is caught in a loop. It happens sometimes with low-cost sound cards.
Ash: Should I do anything?
GLaDOS: A swift blow to the head wouldn't hurt- (Ash punches Claptrap)
Claptrap: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b (Continues even faster)
GLaDOS: -but it probably wouldn't help either.
Ash: Aw, jeez.
Claptrap: B-b-b-b-b-buh-buh-buh-buh-BOOBIES! Hey, what'd I miss!?
- Brock suddenly realizes one of his opponents in this poker game is a dog.
- Some of the characters, regarding their bounty items.
- Should Ash put up the Necronomicon, and you lose to him when he was the last in the tournament:
Ash: Ah, c'mon! What's a guy gotta do to unleash a curse around here?!
- Sam, to the player when he bids his banjo:
Sam: Are you SURE you want my banjo? You seem like more of a mandolin type.
- Brock's reaction if you win the Orb, especially if you remember he didn't seem to care that much about it in his initial bounty cutscene.
- That's only if he's the last to be eliminated; otherwise, he just glares at you from the booth he sits at and growls.
- Sometimes Ash will say "What would Chuck Finley do?"
- Sam and Max have a similar exchange:
: What would Max do in a situation like this? (Max is on the table, spinning in place) Max
: Aaah! Blackhawk Down!
Blackhawk Down! Sam
: ...okay, time for Plan B.
- Sam and GLaDOS explain why Max isn't playing this time around.
Sam: Max used to be a tournament regular, but he has what the psychologists call "crippling impulse control issues."
Brock: So he couldn't keep a lid on his gambling?
Sam: Not in the slightest. But that didn't matter since he kept winning.
Brock: Well then what's the problem?
Sam: The Inventory banned him from playing because... well...
GLaDOS: Max kept eating the poker chips.
(Camera shifts to Max coughing up a dented poker chip.)
Max: THERE you are!
- Even funnier because Max was gagging and coughing through the whole conversation.
- The three sentient beings discuss barbers.
: Any of you guys got advice for looking for a new barber? Ash
: What happened to your old one? Sam
: He's getting too old and shaky to navigate around my neck folds. Max
: And his barbershop smells like cabbage! GLaDOS
: You could try looking at barbershop reviews on the internet. Those are always accurate and trustworthy. Ash
: I get mine cut by the students at the barber college across from the S-Mart. Sure, I sometimes get an accidental Shemp
-style, but it's totally worth the extra ten bucks in my pocket. Brock
: The only person allowed to come near my head with a pair of scissors is Miss Lily over at Happy Pretty Lady Hair & Nails
. But she's kind of on an exclusive contract. Sam
: I guess I'll have to let Max cut it for a while... (Max slowly turns his head towards Sam, and then cuts to a truly terrifying Slasher Smile.)
- Sometimes, Sam and Brock go into a conversation about their fingers and toes. That's pretty amusing in itself, but the kicker is at the end.
I guess you could say for us... the computer age has been a regular (camera zooms in for a close up) digital revolution
. Claptrap: YEAAAAAAAH! Sam:
Don't do that. Claptrap:
- Money Fetish gets discussed:
Claptrap: I wonder what it would be like to roll around naked in all that money...
Sam: Max tried that once.
Max: The papercuts were amazing.
- The characters' bluffing lines:
: I was probably bluffing that time, but thanks for playing along.
: You know, if you keep indulging in my transparent dishonesty, I'm gonna have to run for Congress.
what you humans call bluffing. Cause seriously, I had nothing
Sam: Uh, just so you know, I was bluffing my butt off in that hand.
Ash: Looks like you still got an extra butt or two to spare, chief.
- One of Claptrap's winning lines is:
Claptrap: That's what you get when you screw with the Clap!
Brock: There was probably a better way of phrasing that.
- If Claptrap is in a hand to the very end, during the showdown he may suddenly fall off of his chair.
- Brock's ever-so-backhanded compliment:
Brock: Congratulations; you didn't screw the pooch.
Sam: ...should I be offended by that?
- During Ash's discussion about the significance of flying dreams, Brock mentions that he has dreams about kicking the sun in the crotch. The mental image crosses this with Crazy Awesome.
- "Is it [insane]? Or is it the sanest thing you've ever heard?"
- When Sam asks Claptrap if he likes working at Gearbox, Claptrap prepares to deliver some powerful Biting-the-Hand Humor only for a code in his programming to force him to praise the company in a Creepy Monotone.
: Let me tell you something. Gearbox-(sparks are briefly heard as his eye turns bright green and he starts speaking in a monotone) is the best video game company in the world. They treat their employees with respect, dignity, and yes, love. Also, I am a total tool. (sparks again as he returns to normal)
-WITH A RUSTY SALAD FORK
! Know what I mean?
- Your reraise may get Claptrap to say this:
- When Brock busts out, this little gem may occur:
Brock: Wow, I, uh, really didn't see that coming.
GLaDOS: I did, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
(A small handful of confetti drops on Brock.)
GLaDOS: Surprise. (a cheap noisemaker sounds off)
Brock: (Gives an unamused face before walking off.)
- Some more elimination moments from Brock—
: This is a joke, right? GLaDOS
: I'm not very good at jokes, but here's one— what's yellow and black and red all over? Brock
: What? GLaDOS
: Brock Samson if he doesn't leave this table. Brock
: ...ah, good one. (leaves table)
Brock: (has a really enraged look on his face)
GLaDOS: Brock? Brock, do you require assistance?
Brock: (in a barely restrained voice) I'm... fine. (walks away)
- Claptrap's elimination moments can be amusing as well.
Darn it, I forgot to turn on my poker subroutine! Can I get a do-over? GLaDOS: Your question is activating my rarely-used giggle center. Tee. Hee.
Okay, guess that's it! I'm dead! (looks up)
Hey, where's the regeneration tunnel? GLaDOS: We don't do that here, but I can make a whooshing noise for you if that would make you feel better.
I might as well say it now- I've always loved you, baby. GLaDOS: Were I outfitted with a dry-heave subroutine, I'd activate it now. Claptrap:
Those are butterflies in your stomach. It must be love!
What's this emotion I'm feeling? It's like, I wish I had those cards, but I also hate you
for having them! GLaDOS: That's "envy", you emotionally stunted rhomboid. Claptrap: (Beat)
And now I'm learning arousal!
What the— Max? Max:
Just shoot me, okay? Just take your gun and shoot me in the friggin' head. (Max pulls out his Luger and cocks it) GLaDOS: Please don't shoot him. I find his pain somewhat comforting.
Claptrap: Fortunately, my stake in this tournament has been funded by a generous grant from the fine folks at Gearbox. (Claptrap gets on his phone.) What? What do you mean "unapproved expenses"!? I'm doing cross-promotional work here! But-but-hello? Hello?
(After being the last player eliminated.)
- The running commentary of the Paranoia Core hovers between hilarious and disturbing.
"Hey, I'm just going out on a limb here, but I don't think GLaDOS can be trusted."
- When recommending Ash employ the services of Dr. Orpheus for magical issues, Brock says that he'd go through the gates of Hell to help. Sam says, "they're more like sliding doors."
- Doubles as a Shout-Out to Sam & Max Season 2 where the entrance to hell was through sliding doors.
- Some folding exchanges between Ash and GLaDOS—
You're killing me here, GLaDOS! GLaDOS: If I were actually killing you, there would be a lot more screaming. And irony.
Yo, Shebot, you think you can deal me some better cards next time? GLaDOS: I would, but you didn't say the magic word. So now I am obliged to keep dealing you junk.
Ash: These cards are making me angry. And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
GLaDOS: I don't like you now.
- GLaDOS' lines towards the player can be pretty amusing.
I know something you don't know. Not about this hand, just generally.
It appears as though one of you has taken a leave of his senses. I mean moreso than usual.
Although usually a sign of a weak hand, a check can also be used to disguise a stronger hand. In your case, I'll assume it's a sign of confusion.
The judicious poker player knows the importance of a well-timed fold. And then there's you.
If you're folding because you're too embarrassed to admit that you've forgotten the rules, just nod your head. I promise not to tell anyone.
Wow. That was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.
Congratulations, you've stopped listening to your frontal lobe and are going with your gut, where all the feces are.
The player has been eliminated due to lack of funds. And intelligence.
It appears you have lost all your chips. Oh well. It's only money. Your money. $20,000 of it. Right down the drain.
I've scanned over two-hundred million poker tournaments for a replication of your current strategy, and found zero results. So you're a pioneer now.
Did you know that the term "blinds" was coined by a blind poker player in the 19th century? Of course you didn't. Because it's a lie.
Most people are bound by the conventions of probability and common sense. But you're special.
I wouldn't be ashamed about losing. You have plenty of other things to be ashamed about.
- When the player wins a hand, this can sometimes happen.
: Why can't I
get cards like that? GLaDOS
: Because you're a moron. Claptrap
: Well I'd like a second opinion on that! Brock
: Its true, you're a moron
- Anytime Brock gets incredibly angry. To major things like someone beating him with a full house when he had a full house himself, to nitpicks like hearing about a "Who's The Boss" revamp.
- When Ash inquires Sam's use of a suit and Max's lack of clothing:
I'm just trying to figure out why you wear pants and your buddy over there doesn't. Sam:
Max says he likes the feel of the wind against his unspeakable nether regions. Claptrap:
Him and me both, brother. Woooo! Max: (Jumping up from behind the table)
Well, there goes my libido for a week. Ash:
But why do YOU wear pants, Sam? Sam: Because they match my jacket. Ash: Uh, never mind.
- Brock's comments on previous poker games he's been in:
Y' know, most of the poker games I'm invited to turn out to be elaborate death traps. Sam:
You worry too much, Brock. Max and I have been coming here for years, without even a hint of a death trap. Max:
Unless you count the killer mini-tacos. Steve:
I don't know...this whole place just feels..weird. GLaDOS: "Weird" is in the eye of the beholder. Would you like me to reprogram your optic nerves to be less paranoid? (Beat) Brock:
See what I'm talking about? That there's grade-A weird! That's... just weird.
- During a Bounty Tournament for the Personality Core, it will say some hilarious things while waiting on the table:
Core: At any given point in time 17 people are keeping reality together. They are all named Steve.
(Steve pokes his head out from behind the stage)
- Sam asking about "words to live by" from the others:
- Brock's Old Shame:
Is it true Doc Venture was in a video game back in the '70s? Brock:
Yeah, uh... back in the cartoon days, somebody thought it would be a bright idea to turn Rusty's adventures into a video game. Made that E.T. game
look like Halo
What about you, big guy? You ever star in a video game? Brock:
Not, uh... intentionally. Sam:
A comment that cryptic usually comes with a story. Brock:
A few years back, some punks snuck my image into a Mortal Kombat knockoff as one of those unlockable easter egg deals. Claptrap:
Mortal Kombat knock-off? Hmm... Immortal Bomcat! That was you! What did they call you? Brock:
... Tutu Blondie... Claptrap:
Tutu Blondie! With the Death Smooch fatality move! Oh yeah, I think I even have a sound file... Recording of "Brock"'s voice: Ya missed me! Missed me! Now you have to kiss me! Sam:
Sounds like you had a promising side career there, Brock. What happened? Brock:
The company went bankrupt... with extreme prejudice.
- If the player waits too long making a decision on a hand:
Claptrap: Can we move it along? My butt's starting to get sore.
Sam: You have one of those?
Claptrap: Well, not yet, but I'm saving up for one.
- Some of the lines the characters make when they go all in:
Time to separate the men from the boys, ladies. GlaDOS: Mr. Williams has placed the remainder of his chips in the pot. And apparently part of his brain. Ash:
All in. Max:
Sam, no! Think of the children! Sam:
What children? Max:
You gonna call that? Sam:
Can't think of a reason not to.
What, you want this pot? Go ahead. (eye twitches violently)
Take it from me!
Sam: Only a fool or a madman would call that bet. Unfortunately for you, my partner is both those things.
Max: I'm also a Pisces.
- Buying booze for your opponents can be fun:
Brock: This drink reminds me of a Russian spy I know...
Ash: Why, because of the vodka?
Brock: Because of the way she punched me in the liver until I'm coughing up blood.
- The lines the characters make if they lose a showdown before the river card is shown:
Yeah, yeah, I'm dead. Get it over with.
THERE IS NO ROBOT-GOD!
: (hums Funeral March)
: I'm drawing deader than Zombie Picasso.
Dead hand walking!
...wait, did I just lose there?
Didn't even make it to the river.
Do I have an off-by-one error, or am I hosed?
...I'm toast, aren't I?
Claptrap: Looks like Ol' Clappy's just bought himself a big ol' sack o' pain.
- Showdowns with Brock are fun:
Brock: Enough of these weak-ass bets! (bets heavily)
GLaDOS: Your words are those of a poet laureate...being clubbed to death with a tire iron.
- When Sam takes the pot after the other players have folded:
Sam: Don't be discouraged, running in fear is a pretty natural response for a six-foot tall dog with a gun.
- You can't pick up on Ash's tells...
Ash: Trying to read my face for tells, huh? Well good luck with that. I've taken so many blows to the head that the muscles in my face twitch for no damn reason. See? (eyes, nose and mouth all twitch randomly and independently of one another)
- When Sam reraises a bet:
Sam: Sorry about this raise, but sometimes my common sense is overruled by the craziest impulses!
Max: I have a name, you know.
- This little token if Claptrap wins the tournament.
- When the feature of buying the other players drinks is introduced.
Winslow: Great news!
Winslow: Yes! And we've renewed our liquor license.
- Claptrap folding pre-flop:
Claptrap: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to erase the memory of these cards... Wha... Where am I?! Who are you people?!
- When the player buys Ash a drink:
: You know my favorite drink? 14th century mulled wine. Had a bottle of it when I was marooned in the past, it was like booze of the freakin' gods. Can't find anything like it today. GLaDOS
: That's likely because 14th century mulled wine undoubtedly contained a light dusting of mouse droppings. It wasn't a particularly hygenic century. Ash
: Yeah, well, maybe we'd all be better off if we drank a little more mouse poop.
- If the tournament goes on for an exceedingly long time, GLaDOS begins to lose her patience with each raise of the blinds:
"We've now reached the 1800, 3600 blind level. As a courtesy to the Inventory's other patrons, I've also begun pumping an olfactory suppressant into the air.
"Some would say that this neverending tournament is a thrilling testament to the tenacity of the contestants. They would be wrong. The blinds are now 2000 and 4000 dollars.
"Oh look. You've reached the upper limits of my blinds. Somewhere outside, a new day is dawning, and the good people of the world are waking up striding confidently towards happiness and enlightenment. And you're in here. Playing poker. In the dark.