Poker Night 2 / Funny

In the reveal trailer, Brock plays The Walking Dead and quickly gets frustrated with everyone's suggestions.
Sam: Have you tried using all your inventory items with all your other inventory items?
Brock: How many times do I have to tell you, you can't do that!
- Might count as a Mythology Gag. In Sam & Max Hit the Road, Sam frequently had to inform The Player they can't take a certain action. Even more amusingly, in the Telltale Sam and Max series you can't use inventory items with each other either.
- Ash's random yelling of "Give him a taste of your BOOMSTICK!" and "Siphon some gas for your chainsaw!"
GLaDOS' entrance when you first start the game:
Winslow: Gentlemen, I leave you to the tender mercies of GLaDOS.
(GLaDOS descends between Sam and Ash.)
GLaDOS: GOOD EVENING.
(Ash & Sam jump back in their seats, while Brock and Claptrap are merely surprised.)
Sam: Great fountains of Wayne!
Ash: What the Hell?!
Brock: What in the-
Claptrap: Hubba hubba!
GLaDOS: THIS COMPLETES THE FIRST TEST OF THE CONTESTANTS' POKER FACES. THE BAD NEWS IS YOU ALL FAILED MISERABLY. THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU ALL SEEM EVENLY MATCHED.
"IT'S A MATHEMATICAL CERTAINTY THAT 80% OF YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE TONIGHT. AND 100% OF YOU WILL EVENTUALLY DIE. MATH IS FUN, DON'T YOU THINK?"
Claptrap denies he can ever be affected by a Logic Bomb - then promptly falls into one and shuts down.
GLaDOS: WELL, THAT WAS A SHINING MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF ROBOTKIND.
- That's another Mythology Gag, this time, to Portal 2: knowing robots have a weakness to these was how GLaDOS and Chell attempted to take down Wheatley after he took over the facility— his stupidity made him immune to it.
- It is also a Stealth Insult because for how much of a moron Claptrap is he is still smarter than Wheatley.
- It also means that GLaDOS suggested using paradoxes to attack Wheatley, she was employing what she considered to be an incredibly simple trap because she considered him too stupid to reason his way out of it, only to have overestimated his intelligence anyway.
- Of course, the big irony of the whole thing is that the paradox in question - "Everything I say is a lie" - is not even a real paradox. It's an automatic lie by default.
Ash's right hand starts tapping on the table. Brock and GLaDOS then realize that he's tapping a message in Morse Code. What does it spell?
Ash: "Drink more banang." Huh...
GLaDOS: YOUR HAND HAS APPARENTLY BEEN POSSESSED BY A MARKETING DEPARTMENT.
Ash and Sam talk about exorcisms.
Ash: Say Sam, is that your tricked-out 1960's DeSoto Adventurer in the parking lot?
Sam: It better be. I'd hate to think we'd been driving around in someone else's car for the last twenty-five years. Why do you ask?
Ash: I think it growled at me.
Sam: Yeah, it's done that ever since that adventure we had in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.
Ash: Maybe you should see an exorcist.
Sam: That's what I keep telling Max, but then he just spins his head at me and vomits.
(the scene changes to Max levitating over the table and while his head is on fire and spinning simultaneously)
Max: Anil Nathrak! (flies offscreen and a Vomit Discretion Shot ensues)
Winslow: (offscreen) I just had that cleaned!
When you win with a particularly strong hand (like a Flush or a Full House), the next exchange may happen...
Claptrap: Well, of COURSE you won with those cards. Even Steve could've won with those cards, and all he can say is "Hey-ooo!"
Steve: Hey-!
Claptrap: SHUT THE #&$% UP, STEVE! And people say I'm annoying!
Ash asks Claptrap about life on Pandora, which leads to this exchange:
Claptrap: It's great! If you ignore the constant firefights, the random explosions, and the fact that every freakin' animal on the planet's trying to eat you, Pandora's like a little ball of heaven.
Brock: Yeah, about that, I always heard that "Pandora" was some sorta lush jungle paradise.
Ash: Yeah, me too. What happened, did you guys run outta the, uh... what-what is it, uh... Can-Can't-Can't-get-it-ium?
Brock: [laughing] Nah, I think it was called Macguffin-ite.
Claptrap: Ha. Ha. Very funny. Look, MY Pandora was first, got it?
Ash: Alright, alright, jeez! One question, though.
Claptrap: What?
Ash: What's James Cameron really like?
(Beat)
Claptrap: $&@% you!
Claptrap has a fold which involves Steve shooting the hole cards.
Claptrap: There's only one way to respond to hole cards like these. (holds up his cards) Steve?
Steve: (shoots the cards out of Claptrap's hand) Heyoooooo!
Claptrap: ...so yeah, that's a fold.
- As for Sam and Max:
  Sam: Max?(glances back and holds up his cards)
  Max: BANZAI!!! (draws his Luger and puts a hole in the hand)
  Sam: (throws the hand in) Fold.
Brock going on a cold streak:
Brock: (as he folds) Thanks for another crappy hand, lady.
GLaDOS: YOU'RE WELCOME. IT'S NICE TO BE APPRECIATED.
- Brock hates runs of bad cards...
  Brock: I haven't seen a run this ugly since Dean tried out for the track team.
- ...and just to rub things in when he gets a bad river:
  Brock: I haven't seen a river this full of shit since the Mekong Delta.
- Another one of Brock's folds:
  Brock: I wouldn't give these cards to my twelfth worst enemy.
  Sam: Twelfth worst?
  Brock: One through eleven are dead. Wouldn't be much point.
A look in on Claptrap's well nuanced decision making process:
Claptrap: Alright, that's it—I'm flipping a virtual coin to make my decision! (sound of a coin flipping) UGH! How does a virtual coin land on its side?!
Brock's reaction to Claptrap playing dubstep.
Brock: Aw, Jesus, can't you play some Zeppelin or something?
Claptrap: You better get used to this sound, grandpa, because the dub is the only music that survives the Great Digital Event Horizon of 2033. Boom!
Brock: Great, another reason to die young.
Claptrap is rather intrigued by Sam being an anthropomorphic dog.
Claptrap: Sam!
Sam: You got another dog question, don't you?
Claptrap: Seriously, can you blame me? How often does a guy get a chance to chat up a talking dog? It's- it's like interviewing a unicorn!
Sam: Fine. Three questions, but nothing about my privates or floor-scooting.
Claptrap: Okaaaay, okay. One, can you eat chocolate!? Two, do you date humans or other talking dogs!? And three, can you sense earthquakes before they happen!?
Sam: One, yes, but I shouldn't, 'cause it goes straight to my hips. Two, don't tell anyone, but I'm kind of off the market right now. And three, dogs don't detect quakes, but sometimes we cause them. (Room begins shaking)
- And another.
  Claptrap: So, what's it like living in black and white?
  Sam: Oh, that's just an old wives' tale, like the one about representative democracy. Dogs can see in color, it just looks like this. (Snaps his fingers, and the players vision becomes clouded with hazes of red and green)
  Claptrap: Woah, I am totally tripping balls right now!
  Sam: (Snaps everything back to normal) We can also "see" fear and "smell" sarcasm.
  Claptrap: Oooooh, impressive!
  Sam: (Sneezes)
  Claptrap: Hey, it worked!
Claptrap begins glitching out in the middle of the game.
Claptrap: Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh (Continues)
Ash: What's wrong with the toaster?
GLaDOS: HIS AUDIO OUTPUT IS CAUGHT IN A LOOP. IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES WITH LOW-COST SOUND CARDS.
Ash: Should I do anything?
GLaDOS: A SWIFT BLOW TO THE HEAD WOULDN'T HURT— (Ash punches Claptrap)
Claptrap: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b (Continues even faster)
GLaDOS: —BUT IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HELP EITHER.
Ash: Aw, jeez.
Claptrap: B-b-b-b-b-buh-buh-buh-buh-BOOBIES! Hey, what'd I miss!?
- Making this even better, if this dialogue happens to trigger twice in the same tournament:
  GlaDOS: HIS AUDIO OUTPUT IS CAUGHT IN A LOOP. AGAIN. HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED AT.
Brock suddenly realizes one of his opponents in this poker game is a dog.
Brock: (Giggles)
Sam: What's so funny?
Brock: I just realized you're a dog (Laughs) playing poker!
Sam: ...I don't get it.
A nice hidden Shout-Out comes when Claptrap hangs a huge lampshade on Sam's Vocal Evolution:
Claptrap: Am I eating crazy chips, or did you use to have a different voice?
Sam: You mean more like this? "Hell-loo!"
Claptrap: That's it! What happened to it?
Sam: Criminals used to laugh at me. They said my voice was too goofy. So I got a voice coach. And now, when I say "Freeze, dirtbags!", the dirtbags really freeze!
- Followed by the reveal that the reason why Max's voice is different is because he couldn't get enough of his Jason Alexander impression, so it stuck.
  Max: And hey, what is the DEAL with Antipasta? Does it blow up when it touches regular pasta? I mean c'mon!
Some of the characters, regarding their bounty items.
- Should Ash put up the Necronomicon, and you lose to him when he was the last in the tournament:
  Ash: Ah, c'mon! What's a guy gotta do to unleash a curse around here?!
- Sam, to the player when he bids his banjo:
  Sam: Are you SURE you want my banjo? You seem like more of a mandolin type.
- Brock's reaction if you win the Orb, especially if you remember he didn't seem to care that much about it in his initial bounty cutscene.
  - That's only if he's the last to be eliminated; otherwise, he just glares at you from the booth he sits at and growls.
Sometimes Ash will say "What would Chuck Finley do?"
- Sam and Max have a similar exchange:
  Sam: What would Max do in a situation like this?
  (Max is on the table, spinning in place)
  Max: Aaah! Blackhawk Down! Blackhawk Down!
  Sam: ...okay, time for Plan B.
Sam and GLaDOS explain why Max isn't playing this time around.
Sam: Max used to be a tournament regular, but he has what the psychologists call "crippling impulse control issues."
Brock: So he couldn't keep a lid on his gambling?
Sam: Not in the slightest. But that didn't matter since he kept winning.
Brock: Well then what's the problem?
Sam: The Inventory banned him from playing because... well...
GLaDOS: MAX KEPT EATING THE POKER CHIPS.
(Camera shifts to Max coughing up a dented poker chip.)
Max: THERE you are!
- Even funnier because Max was gagging and coughing through the whole conversation.
The three sentient beings discuss barbers.
Sam: Any of you guys got advice for looking for a new barber?
Ash: What happened to your old one?
Sam: He's getting too old and shaky to navigate around my neck folds.
Max: And his barbershop smells like cabbage!
GLaDOS: YOU COULD TRY LOOKING AT BARBERSHOP REVIEWS ON THE INTERNET. THOSE ARE ALWAYS ACCURATE AND TRUSTWORTHY.
Ash: I get mine cut by the students at the barber college across from the S-Mart. Sure, I sometimes get an accidental Shemp-style, but it's totally worth the extra ten bucks in my pocket.
Brock: The only person allowed to come near my head with a pair of scissors is Miss Lily over at Happy Pretty Lady Hair & Nails. But she's kind of on an exclusive contract.
Sam: I guess I'll have to let Max cut it for a while...
(Max slowly turns his head towards Sam, and then cuts to a truly terrifying Slasher Smile.)
Sometimes, Sam and Brock go into a conversation about their fingers and toes. That's pretty amusing in itself, but the kicker is at the end.
Sam: I guess you could say for us... the computer age has been a regular (camera zooms in for a close up) digital revolution.
Claptrap: YEAAAAAAAH!
Sam: Don't do that.
Claptrap: SOR-RYYYYYYYYYY!
Money Fetish gets discussed:
Claptrap: I wonder what it would be like to roll around naked in all that money...
Sam: Max tried that once.
Max: The papercuts were amazing.
The characters' bluffing lines:
Ash: I was probably bluffing that time, but thanks for playing along.

Brock: For the record...that was a bluff.

Sam: You know, if you keep indulging my transparent dishonesty, I'm gonna have to run for Congress.

Claptrap: So that's what you humans call bluffing. Cause seriously, I had nothing.

Sam: Uh, just so you know, I was bluffing my butt off in that hand.
Ash: Looks like you still got an extra butt or two to spare, chief.
Max: Oooh!
One of Claptrap's winning lines is:
Claptrap: That's what you get when you screw with the Clap!
Brock: There was probably a better way of phrasing that.
- "IT WAS SECRETLY A RUSE ALL ALONG! I DO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! HAHAHA!"
If Claptrap is in a hand to the very end, during the showdown he may suddenly fall off of his chair.
Brock's ever-so-backhanded compliment:
Brock: Congratulations; you didn't screw the pooch.
Sam: ...should I be offended by that?
During Ash's discussion about the significance of flying dreams, Brock mentions that he has dreams about kicking the sun in the crotch. The mental image crosses this with Crazy Is Cool.
- "Is it [insane]? Or is it the sanest thing you've ever heard?"
When Sam asks Claptrap if he likes working at Gearbox, Claptrap prepares to deliver some powerful Biting-the-Hand Humor only for a code in his programming to force him to praise the company in a Creepy Monotone.
Claptrap: Let me tell you something. Gearbox-(sparks are briefly heard as his eye turns bright green and he starts speaking in a monotone) IS THE BEST VIDEO GAME COMPANY IN THE WORLD. THEY TREAT THEIR EMPLOYEES WITH RESPECT, DIGNITY, AND YES, LOVE. ALSO, I AM A TOTAL TOOL. (sparks again as he returns to normal) -WITH A RUSTY SALAD FORK! Know what I mean?
Your reraise may get Claptrap to say this:
Claptrap: Kill them all and let Debbie from accounting sort them out!
When Brock busts out, this little gem may occur:
Brock: Wow, I, uh, really didn't see that coming.
GLaDOS: I DID, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN THE SURPRISE.
(A small handful of confetti drops on Brock.)
GLaDOS: SURPRISE. (a cheap noisemaker sounds off)
Brock: (Gives an unamused face before walking off.)
- Some more elimination moments from Brock—
  Brock: This is a joke, right?
  GLaDOS: I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT JOKES. BUT HERE'S ONE. WHAT'S YELLOW AND BLACK AND RED ALL OVER?
  Brock: What?
  GLaDOS: BROCK SAMSON IF HE DOESN'T LEAVE THIS TABLE.
  Brock: ...ah, good one. (leaves table)
  
  Brock: (has a really enraged look on his face)
  GLaDOS: BROCK? BROCK, DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE?
  Brock: (in a barely restrained voice) I'm... fine. (walks away)
Claptrap's elimination moments can be amusing as well.
Claptrap: Darn it, I forgot to turn on my poker subroutine! Can I get a do-over?
GLaDOS: YOUR QUESTION IS ACTIVATING MY RARELY-USED GIGGLE CENTER. TEE. HEE.

Claptrap: Okay, guess that's it! I'm dead! (looks up) Hey, where's the regeneration tunnel?
GLaDOS: WE DON'T DO THAT HERE, BUT I CAN MAKE A WHOOSHING NOISE FOR YOU IF THAT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

Claptrap: I might as well say it now— I've always loved you, baby!
GLaDOS: WERE I OUTFITTED WITH A DRY-HEAVE SUBROUTINE, I'D ACTIVATE IT NOW.
Claptrap: Those are butterflies in your stomach. It must be love!

Claptrap: What's this emotion I'm feeling? It's like, I wish I had those cards, but I also hate you for having them!
GLaDOS: THAT'S "ENVY", YOU EMOTIONALLY STUNTED RHOMBOID.
Claptrap: (Beat) And now I'm learning arousal!

Claptrap: What the— Max?
Max: Yes?
Claptrap: Just shoot me, okay? Just take your gun and shoot me in the friggin' head.
(Max pulls out his Luger and cocks it)
GLaDOS: PLEASE DON'T SHOOT HIM. I FIND HIS PAIN SOMEWHAT COMFORTING.

(Claptrap begins banging his head on the table repeatedly.)
Claptrap: Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap
GLaDOS: I SEE HE'S TAKING IT WELL.

Claptrap: Fortunately, my stake in this tournament has been funded by a generous grant from the fine folks at Gearbox. (Claptrap gets on his phone.) What? What do you mean "unapproved expenses"!? I'm doing cross-promotional work here! But-but-hello? Hello?
(Beat)
Claptrap: Rassin frassin !$@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! $@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! When the movie comes out, I am outta here!

(After being the last player eliminated.)
Claptrap: Excuse me for a moment. (Gets up and goes offscreen) AAAGGGGGGGHHHH! !$@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! $@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! !$@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! $@%#$ !%#^@$# !%@#%$ !@%^%! (comes back) Great game player!
The running commentary of the Paranoia Core hovers between hilarious and disturbing.
"Hey, I'm just going out on a limb here, but I don't think GLaDOS can be trusted."
When recommending Ash employ the services of Dr. Orpheus for magical issues, Brock says that he'd go through the gates of Hell to help. Sam says, "they're more like sliding doors."
- Doubles as a Shout-Out to Sam & Max Season 2 where the entrance to hell was through sliding doors.
Some folding exchanges between Ash and GLaDOS—
Ash: You're killing me here, GLaDOS!
GLaDOS: IF I WERE ACTUALLY KILLING YOU, THERE WOULD BE A LOT MORE SCREAMING. AND IRONY.

Ash: Yo, Shebot, you think you can deal me some better cards next time?
GLaDOS: I WOULD, BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY THE MAGIC WORD. SO NOW I AM OBLIGED TO KEEP DEALING YOU JUNK.

Ash: These cards are making me angry. And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
GLaDOS: I DON'T LIKE YOU NOW.
GLaDOS' lines towards the player can be pretty amusing.
I know something you don't know. Not about this hand, just generally.
It appears as though one of you has taken a leave of his senses. I mean moreso than usual.
Although usually a sign of a weak hand, a check can also be used to disguise a stronger hand. In your case, I'll assume it's a sign of confusion.
The judicious poker player knows the importance of a well-timed fold. And then there's you.
If you're folding because you're too embarrassed to admit that you've forgotten the rules, just nod your head. I promise not to tell anyone.
Don't feel bad. If I had your brain, I'd fold too.
Well, that was a clever move that won't come back to bite you in your ample posterior.
Congratulations, you've stopped listening to your frontal lobe and are going with your gut, where all the feces are.
The player has been eliminated due to lack of funds. And intelligence.
It appears you have lost all your chips. Oh well. It's only money. Your money. $20,000 of it. Right down the drain.
I've scanned over two-hundred million poker tournaments for a replication of your current strategy, and found zero results. So you're a pioneer now.
Did you know that the term "blinds" was coined by a blind poker player in the 19th century? Of course you didn't. Because it's a lie.
Most people are bound by the conventions of probability and common sense. But you're special.
I wouldn't be ashamed about losing. You have plenty of other things to be ashamed about.
I probably would've raised in your situation. But I probably also would've jumped off a building, so perhaps I'm not the best source of advice.
When the player wins a hand, this can sometimes happen.
Claptrap: Why can't I get cards like that?
GLaDOS: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MORON.
Claptrap: Well I'd like a second opinion on that!
Brock: Its true, you're a moron.
Anytime Brock gets incredibly angry. To major things like someone beating him with a full house when he had a full house himself, to nitpicks like hearing about a "Who's The Boss" revamp.
When Ash inquires Sam's use of a suit and Max's lack of clothing:
Ash: I'm just trying to figure out why you wear pants and your buddy over there doesn't.
Sam: Max says he likes the feel of the wind against his unspeakable nether regions.
Claptrap: Him and me both, brother. Woooo!
Max: (Jumping up from behind the table) Wheee!!!
Brock: Well, there goes my libido for a week.
Ash: But why do YOU wear pants, Sam?
Sam: Because they match my jacket.
Ash: Uh, never mind.
Brock's comments on previous poker games he's been in:
Brock: Y'know, most of the poker games I'm invited to turn out to be elaborate death traps.
Sam: You worry too much, Brock. Max and I have been coming here for years, without even a hint of a death trap.
Max: Unless you count the killer mini-tacos.
Steve: Heyoo!
Brock: I don't know...this whole place just feels..weird.
GLaDOS: "WEIRD" IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPROGRAM YOUR OPTIC NERVES TO BE LESS PARANOID?
(Beat)
Brock: See what I'm talking about? That there's grade-A weird! That's... just weird.
During a Bounty Tournament for the Personality Core, it will say some hilarious things while waiting on the table:
Core: At any given point in time 17 people are keeping reality together. They are all named Steve.
(Steve pokes his head out from behind the stage)
Steve: Heyoo?
Sam asking about "words to live by" from the others:
Sam: Okay, quick topic: words to live by. Go!
Brock: Life is short and sadistic, so make love to it like a one-eyed double agent.
Claptrap: Always run in the opposite direction of loud noises.
GlaDOS: THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR MORE SCIENCE.
Ash: Never go anywhere without written instructions.
Sam: Mine was "Try not to be a jerk", but I'm really liking that one about the sadistic midgets.
Brock's Old Shame:
Sam: Is it true Doc Venture was in a video game back in the '70s?
Brock: Yeah, uh... back in the cartoon days, somebody thought it would be a bright idea to turn Rusty's adventures into a video game. Made that E.T. game look like Halo.
Claptrap: What about you, big guy? You ever star in a video game?
Brock: Not, uh... intentionally.
Sam: A comment that cryptic usually comes with a story.
Brock: A few years back, some punks snuck my image into a Mortal Kombat knockoff as one of those unlockable easter egg deals.
Claptrap: Mortal Kombat knock-off? Hmm... Immortal Bomcat! That was you! What did they call you?
Brock: ... Tutu Blondie...
Claptrap: Tutu Blondie! With the Death Smooch fatality move! Oh yeah, I think I even have a sound file...
Recording of "Brock"'s voice: MISSED ME! MISSED ME! NOW YOU HAVE TO KISS ME!
Sam: Sounds like you had a promising side career there, Brock. What happened?
Brock: The company went bankrupt... with extreme prejudice.
If the player waits too long making a decision on a hand:
Claptrap: Can we move it along? My butt's starting to get sore.
Sam: You have one of those?
Claptrap: Well, not yet, but I'm saving up for one.
Some of the lines the characters make when they go all in:
Ash: Time to separate the men from the boys, ladies.
GlaDOS: MR. WILLIAMS HAS PLACED THE REMAINDER OF HIS CHIPS IN THE POT. AND APPARENTLY PART OF HIS BRAIN.
Ash: HEY!

Sam: All in.
Max: Sam, no! Think of the children!
Sam: What children?
Max: Uh...

Claptrap: I'm going all in, just like I did with your momma last night! Turns out she's a really good poker player.

Max: You gonna call that?
Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.

Brock: What, you want this pot? Go ahead. (eye twitches violently) Take it from me!

Sam: Only a fool or a madman would call that bet. Unfortunately for you, my partner is both those things.
Max: I'm also a Pisces.
Buying booze for your opponents can be fun:
Brock: This drink reminds me of a Russian spy I know...
Ash: Why, because of the vodka?
Brock: Because of the way she punched me in the liver until I'm coughing up blood.
The lines the characters make if they lose a showdown before the river card is shown:
Brock: Yeah, yeah, I'm dead. Get it over with.

Claptrap: THERE IS NO ROBOT-GOD!

Brock: ...and there's the Double Tap.

Sam: (hums Funeral March)

Ash: Boom. Headshot.

Sam: I'm drawing deader than Zombie Picasso.

Brock: D'OH!

Claptrap: Dead hand walking!

Max: Oh, you're The Walking Dead. Get it?
Sam: No.

Ash: ...wait, did I just lose there?

Brock: (Sigh) Didn't even make it to the river.

Claptrap: Do I have an off-by-one error, or am I hosed?

Ash: ...I'm toast, aren't I?

Claptrap: Looks like Ol' Clappy's just bought himself a big ol' sack o' pain.
Showdowns with Brock are fun:
Brock: Enough of these weak-ass bets! (bets heavily)
GLaDOS: YOUR WORDS ARE THOSE OF A POET LAUREATE... BEING CLUBBED TO DEATH WITH A TIRE IRON.
When Sam takes the pot after the other players have folded:
Sam: Don't be discouraged, running in fear is a pretty natural response for a six-foot tall dog with a gun.
You can't pick up on Ash's tells...
Ash: Trying to read my face for tells, huh? Well good luck with that. I've taken so many blows to the head that the muscles in my face twitch for no damn reason. See? (eyes, nose and mouth all twitch randomly and independently of one another)
When Sam reraises a bet:
Sam: Sorry about this raise, but sometimes my common sense is overruled by the craziest impulses!
Max: I have a name, you know.
This little token if Claptrap wins the tournament.
Claptrap: Wait, I won? I feel GREAT! Maybe my life isn't so bad after all!
GLaDOS: ALL YOUR FELLOW CLAPTRAP UNITS ARE STILL DEAD.
Claptrap: Well that was short lived.
When the feature of buying the other players drinks is introduced.
Winslow: Great news!
Sam: You've finally replaced the urinal cakes!
Winslow: Yes! And we've renewed our liquor license.
Claptrap folding pre-flop:
Claptrap: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to erase the memory of these cards... Wha... Where am I?! Who are you people?!
When the player buys Ash a drink:
Ash: You know my favorite drink? 14th century mulled wine. Had a bottle of it when I was marooned in the past, it was like booze of the freakin' gods. Can't find anything like it today.
GLaDOS: THAT'S LIKELY BECAUSE 14TH CENTURY MULLED WINE UNDOUBTEDLY CONTAINED A LIGHT DUSTING OF MOUSE DROPPINGS. IT WASN'T A PARTICULARLY HYGENIC CENTURY.
Ash: Yeah, well, maybe we'd all be better off if we drank a little more mouse poop.
If the tournament goes on for an exceedingly long time, GLaDOS begins to lose her patience with each raise of the blinds:
"We've now reached the 1800, 3600 blind level. As a courtesy to the Inventory's other patrons, I've also begun pumping an olfactory suppressant into the air."
"Some would say that this never-ending tournament is a thrilling testament to the tenacity of the contestants. They would be wrong. The blinds are now 2000 and 4000 dollars."
"Oh look. You've reached the upper limits of my blinds. Somewhere outside, a new day is dawning, and the good people of the world are waking up striding confidently towards happiness and enlightenment. And you're in here. Playing poker. In the dark."
Win with a particularly good hand, and GLaDOS will have this to say:
GLaDOS: CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'VE CONVERTED A NEARLY UNBEATABLE HAND INTO A VICTORY.
If it's just you and Claptrap:
Claptrap: This is the part of the tournament where I taunt you mercilessly until you call. Would you prefer to be compared to a chicken, the female reproductive system, or the French?

Full Borderlands Set

Brock's reaction to the set change:
Brock: Classy. Like a strip club with explosives.
First eliminations in this set involve Steve firing a confetti rocket at that person. When he fires at Brock:
Steve: HEYOOOO! (shoots rocket at Brock)
Brock: (blocks it with his arm) Excuse me. (flips his chair over and goes over to Steve to deliver an asswhooping)
Steve: Heyo? (both of them exit the screen to the top right section of the screen, an offscreen beatdown commences as the game goes on)
- If Claptrap is the first character to bust out in the Borderlands 2 Inventory, the resulting cutscene is hilarious in how over the top it is.
- If Sam is the first to bust out, Steve merely taps his shoulder and gestures for him to leave, which prompts Sam to utter his Catchphrase which is usually directed towards Max.
  Sam: You crack me up, little buddy.
- "ASH HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. OR, AT LEAST, HE'S ABOUT TO BE."
- Ash's indignant reaction to getting blasted out of his seat:
  Ash: Y'know, you could have just asked me to leave!

Full Sam and Max 25th Anniversary Set

When eliminated in the Sam and Max 25th Anniversary room, the eliminated player has a special interaction with Max attacking them.
- If Sam is eliminated first they go on a time traveling adventure similar to the "Adventure" ending to the Devil's Playhouse to hunt down literal cradle robbers.
- If Ash gets eliminated first, Max steals his chainsaw and chases him with it.
  Max: (holding up the chainsaw) Looking for something? (To Sam) Hey, check it out, Sam! I'm a tree surgeon!
  Sam: (to Ash) He's not really a tree surgeon.
  Max: (shakes his head) Open wide and say "AHHHHH!"
- If Claptrap is eliminated first, Max attempts to give the robot a wet willy. As Claptrap tries to warn Max that that he doesn't have ears, Max sticks his finger in a random hole in the robot's side and ends up electrocuting the both of them.
- If Brock is eliminated first, Max dives at him out of nowhere and starts biting at his head. Brock completely ignores him and walks to the bar after Max gets off.
  Max: Geromimo! (lands on Brocks head) Die! Die! Die!
  Brock: (gets up) I'll be at the bar. (walks off)
One of the conversations has the other characters asking Sam if he and Max have planned for retirement. The duo initially interprets it as getting new wheels for the car, which leads the others to explain that retirement is not working anymore while still getting some money. Sam is enthralled at the idea of getting paid while not working, and tells Max to look into it.
After the player wins the tournament on the set, Max rewards the player:
Max: My hero! (kisses the player, leaving a kiss mark on the screen)
Sam: Knock it off, Max. You don't even like, er, whatever gender that is!
Max: Call me.

Full Venture Bros. Set

The first to lose in the Venture Brothers themed inventory is subjected to Dr. Venture's failed teleporter.
- When Ash is eliminated:
  (Ash's top half ends up at the bar, while his lower half ends up on the stage)
  Ash: Hey, where's the rest of me?!
  Max: Check it out, Sam, free shoes!
  (Ash's lower half kicks him)
- When Brock is eliminated:
  Brock: I sure hope Rusty worked out the kinks in this thing.
  (Brock's head ends up above the bar, while his body ends up sitting next to it)
  Brock: Guess not.
  - For extra funny, his head remains there the rest of the tourney.
- When Sam is eliminated:
  GLaDOS: SAM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED, AND WILL BE TELEPORTED TO A BETTER PLACE.
  Sam: I hope it's Tahiti.
  (Both of Sam's halves end up in the left corner wall, giving him a clear view of his behind.)
  Sam: Is it me, or does this teleporter make my keister look fat?
- When Claptrap is eliminated:
  Claptrap: Hey! A teleporter! We got these all over Pandora.
  (Claptrap ends up stuck in the floor behind Ash’s seat- uniquely with no close-up.)
  Claptrap: …Little help here!
Brock's reaction when the set is first introduced. No, those gadgets aren't props. Some bright spark at the Inventory lifted stuff directly from Rusty's lab for verisimilitude.
Max: What's this thing do?
Brock: (panicking) DON'T TOUCH THAT! That's Doc's Oo Ray.
Max: OooOOOOooo!
And then The Stinger, which Brock declares both Let Us Never Speak of This Again, and Never Live It Down.
Brock: (approaches the player) Hey, good game there.
Winslow: (whispers to Brock)
Brock: (highly indignant) I'm not doing that.
Winslow: I'm afraid the owner was most insistent...
Brock: Son of a—fine! This never leaves the room, understand?
Sam: Scout's honor!
Max: No problemo!
Claptrap: Could you move a little to the left?
Brock: (sigh) I'm never gonna hear the end of this...(throws up the V-Sign) Go Team Venture.

Full Evil Dead Set

When you first deploy the set, Winslow explains the premise behind the decorations. Cue Sam's reaction:
Sam: I thought it smelled of death and slapstick in here...
The first character to lose in the Army of Darkness themed Inventory gets sucked into the Necronomicon.
- In Ash's case, he sees Max about to read the words, and tries to warn Max not to do it, telling him the correct words. Max screws up anyway.
  Max: Klaatu...
  Ash: Oh, no. Max! It's klaatu berada nikto!
  Max: Got it! Klaatu berada...tiptoe!
  Ash: ...Crap. (Ash gets sucked into the Necronomicon.)
  Max: (sheepishly) You know, I should really get my hearing checked! (chuckles)
- If Max's evil grin as the Necronomicon takes off is any indication, he might have flubbed the incantation on purpose.
- When Claptrap is the first one knocked out, the Necronomicon flies towards Ash first, who smirks and tilts his head towards Claptrap instead.
  GLaDOS: CLAPTRAP HAS BEEN ELIMINATED, AND WILL BE TEXTUALIZED.
  Claptrap: Textualized?
  Max: Claptrap, Babushka, Neato!
  Claptrap: Oh, come on, that's not even close! (The necronomicon approaches Ash, who nudges his head Claptrap's way. Claptrap shakes his head, the Necronomicon nods and sucks him in) I REGRET NOTHING!
  Max: You know, that book needed more comic relief!
- When Brock is eliminated:
  Max: Keanu, Barbera, Nimoy!
  (the book flies around the Inventory, behind the bar, until it's over the table, aimed at Brock.)
  Brock: Come on! (gets sucked into the Necronomicon)
  Max: Don't worry, Brock; I'll get some whiteout.
- When Sam is eliminated:
  GLaDOS: SAM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED, AND WILL BE REMOVED BY HIS PARTNER'S ILLITERACY.
  Max: Cukoo, Banana, Pismo?
  Sam: Max, no! (The Necronomicon flies around, passing Winslow on the second floor)
  Winslow: I say!
  (The Necronomicon flies toward the table)
  Sam: Not Again... (Gets sucked into the Necronomicon)
  Max: To the editor's desk!
In a conversation exclusive to the Army of Darkness Inventory, GLaDOS explains what happened to Sheila, one of Ash's former girlfriends, which leads to the revelation that, thanks to time-travel, Ash is actually Brock's ancestor! Their reactions are priceless. ^Explanation
Brock: Aw, son of a bitch.
Ash: Welcome to the family!
Winning the tournament in the Evil Dead set is absolutely hilarious. For winning the tournament, Winslow rewards the player with a potion that puts the user to sleep until the next tournament if he takes three sips from it. As you gulp down the third sip, he starts to wonder if it was actually actually supposed to be two sips, and then you fall asleep. You then wake up to see all the players around the table, but with beards (yes, even GLaDOS and Claptrap, as well as Mad Moxxi at the bar), and with the sound of lasers flying in the air, and the others discussing that there happens to be an alien invasion going on in the future. The Player apparently faints upon hearing this info. And then Ash reveals that the beards are just fakes and that you really didn't sleep that long.
Ash: I told you, these phony beards were a bad idea!

Full Portal Set

The first one to lose in the Portal themed Inventory gets forcibly transported away from the table via portal. Sam is the only one who seems to enjoy it, with Max having a grin that just screams "Me next! Me next!"
- Claptrap has it the worst, and he slides all the way down the floor when he's portaled.
- Brock's drop isn't too bad, but his scream as he suddenly falls through seals it.

Funny / Poker Night 2

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