Jesse, that's not how you do it.
Season 1
Season 2
- "Cutting It Close": Stephanie accidentally cuts off part of Jesse's hair.
DJ: I can't believe you did that.
Jesse: Whatcha do?
DJ: (saying it for the fourth time) I can't believe you did that.
Steph: I can't believe you're still saying that!
DJ: [seeing Joey with a hair net and painted toenails] I believe she did that.
- About Jesse's haircut...
Danny: Don't worry, it'll grow back. It's just hair.
Jesse: No, your hair is just hair. My hair... (sees Steph holding the part that was cut off) is in her hand!
- Broken-armed Jesse making a "simple" bowl of cereal.
- Steph blames herself for Jesse's injury and says she's sorry:
Danny: Steph, it's not all your fault. Jesse, tell her it's not all her fault.
Jesse: It's not all your fault.
Danny: Not a big help.
- In "Middle Age Crazy", Jesse and Joey are having a hard time coming up with a jingle. A frustrated Joey throws crumpled paper at Jesse who is on the phone. After getting off the phone...
- "Pal Joey":
Jesse: We got a major crisis with the chippy chunk-Nut cookie account. It seems they found more chunk-nuts then chippys in the chewy chocolates, so the chewy-chippy chunk-nuts have to be called Nutty-Chewy Chunk Chips.
Joey: What? How can they do that?
Danny: How can they say that?
- In "El Problema Grande de D.J.":
Srta. Mosley: Hasta luego.
Danny: El Pollo Loco.
- In "Blast from the Past", Kimmy gets DJ and Steph stuck with magic handcuffs and can't get them out. So they have to wait for Kimmy's older brother to return while hiding this from everyone. They end up sleeping on the same bed. The next day, Kimmy tells them her brother won't be back for a week.
Steph: YOU CAN'T GET THE KEY?! Let me at her!
[everyone sees the handcuffs] Danny: Kimmy, did you handcuff my daughters together?
Kimmy: Boy, nothing gets by you.
Kimmy: (after Jesse pulls a switcheroo) I'm stuck!
Danny: Boy, nothing gets by you. - During Kimmy's magic trick.
[DJ doing the floating ball trick, accidentally dropping it. Steph gives it back to her and sees there was a fake hand]
Steph: Hey!
DJ: So I have three hands. So what?
- Before Kimmy performs the handcuff trick:
Kimmy: [about to perform the magic handcuffs trick] Have we ever met before?
Steph: Unfortunately, we have.
- After the handcuff trick:
Kimmy: If my brother finds out I borrowed his magic kit without asking, he'll make me disappear!
Steph: He already made your brain disappear!
- The house gets a call from a Patty Fogerty, a woman from Joey's past.
Joey: (surprised) Patty?
Danny: (disdained) Fogerty!
Jesse: Hold on minute please...(to Joey and Danny) Who is (surprised) Patty (disdained) Fogerty?
Season 3
- The whole "Tanner Island" episode is a whole crowing moment of funny.
- The hazards of ocean navigation:
Danny: We should be arriving soon at the island of Pua for a picnic and Polynesian show.
Joey: Which island?
Danny: This island.
touches finger to map, picks it up to reveal open ocean
Danny: Hey, where'd the island go?
DJ: It's on your finger, dad.
Jesse: Ahoy, mateys: Your skipper has been sailing all morning to a potato chip crumb.
- When they see their boat floating away:
Danny: [runs towards the water] Come back!
[Jesse follows him]
Becky: You'll never catch that boat!
Jesse: I don't wanna catch the boat! I wanna catch DANNY!
- Jesse throws away the Clipboard of Fun...and so does everyone else as it keeps coming back to shore.
- When Jesse and Joey find Danny just rubbing suds around at the sink in "Back to School Blues":
Jesse: Joey, it's finally happened. He's cleaning liquid soap.
Danny: Don't be silly, I am just cleaning my rubber gloves.
Joey: Danny, there is no shame in therapy.
- At the end of an episode that aired around Halloween 1989, D.J. and Stephanie have made up after the sibling conflict of the week. What's funny is they're dressed in certain costumes for a party, and when Danny sees them embracing he says: "Awwww, Batman hugging the Joker! This is how the movie should have ended!"
- From "Aftershocks":
Joey: (tasting from a pot on the stove) This soup has absolutely no taste.
Jesse: I'm boiling water.
Joey: (tastes it again) Well in that case, it's delicious.
- In the episode "Joey & Stacy and ... Oh, Yeah, Jesse," when Comet chewed up everything he saw:
Kimmy: Mr. Tanner, have you ever considered obedience school?
Danny: Yes, and tell your parents I'm willing to pay half!
- Also doubles as a CMOA based on audience reaction.
- In "No More Mr. Dumb Guy", Jesse and an old friend of Becky's arm-wrestle. They noticed the violinists and pianist playing their instruments for dramatic effects. The two look at them in confusion, then resume their match.
Danny: Get him, Jesse! Get him!
[Becky hits his arm] I mean... how incredibly barbaric!
- Jesse later yells at them to stop playing when he's losing, but when he wins the match, they play some victory notes. Also some of the other party goers seemed to enjoy the match too.
- Becky however is not so impressed with Jesse's behavior.
Jesse: Admit it! You think I'm stupid, don't you?
Becky: That makes absolutely no sense!
Jesse: Oh, now I'm not making any sense?
Becky: No, now you're being stupid!
- Before Jesse storms out of the party: "Let me tell you about your pal Shakespeare: anyone who makes men dress up as women, that's where I draw the line!"
- In "Fraternity Reunion":
- In drag disguises, Joey adjusts Danny's fake breasts, getting the attention of a couple of women.
- Danny finds out that the prisoners in his cell are big fans of Wake Up San Francisco. They do a musical number for him and say they're available in 3-5 years.
Danny: I'll have my parole officer call your parole officer.
- Steph, Michelle, and Kimmy's reaction to Danny and Joey in drags.
(all three jawdrop)
Michelle: Daddy's a girl!
Steph: No, she's a woman.
Kimmy: An ugly woman!
- The titular kiddie TV show in "Mr. Egghead", especially keyboardist/sidekick Jesse getting annoyed with Stephanie's nerdy classmate Walter who asks enough questions to cause trouble.
Walter: I heard [the old] Mr. Egghead didn't pay his taxes.
Jesse: "Well, he's on vacation for three-to-five years."
- Steph skips school to avoid getting her school picture taken with a bandage on her nose. She asked Michelle to make her a PB&J sandwich for her, and to say she's making it for nobody if anyone asked.
- Quite a bit of "Honey, I Broke the House" is this.
- While "Just Say No Way" is a Very Special Episode, it also has the hilarious "Baby Beluga" B-plot — a G-rated precursor to Peter Griffin's obsession with "Surfin' Bird". Highlights include Joey spouting water whale style and Michelle threatening to cry if they take her tape player away.
- "Our Very First Telethon" features Janie's Got A Gun performed by Joey Gladstone. Jesse stops the performance shortly afterwards.
Jesse: Stop him before he starts singing Tina Turner.
- In "Nerd For A day," DJ is observing Michelle's daily activities for a school project. Exhausted from chasing Michelle all over the house, DJ suggests that they both take a nap. Michelle agrees and they both lie down on her bed. After only a few seconds, Michelle cheerfully exclaims, "Nap over!" and runs out of the room with DJ's paper.
Season 4
- "Greek Week":
Silvio: I am ready to learn the family business. What do you do for job?
Danny: I have a talk show.
Silvio: Well, I will study hard, and when you die, I will take over.
Danny: I will never die.
- "The I.Q. Man":
- This exchange when Joey and Jesse quit:
Joey: This man is not a hamburger, and I am not a side of fries, and you, Sir, are a... Chicken McNugget!
Jesse: Joey, are you going to quit or order a Happy Meal?
- "Good News, Bad News":
- Becky and Danny's train wreck of a commercial.
- "Grab yourself a cup of coffee..." "And a POP TART..."
- "We shot a great commercial. Unfortunately, it took us 24 coffee cups to get it."
- And from that same episode, Michelle playing the shadow game with a very annoyed Stephanie.
Steph: Okay, big shot, let's see you handle this. (very quickly)
Ipledgeallegiancetotheflagoftheunitedstatesofamericaandtotherepublicforwhichitstandsonenationundergodindivisiblewithlibertyandjusticeforall. Try that!
Michelle: Try that! - After DJ and Kimmy make up:
Steph: Stop, you're killing me!
Michelle: Stop, you're killing me!
Steph: (smirks) Hey Kimmy, wanna play shadow?
Michelle: Hey Kimmy, wanna play shadow?
Kimmy: No way, I hate that game.
Michelle: No way, I hate that game.
Kimmy: I said no!
Michelle: I said no!
- "Shape Up" has one despite being a Very Special Episode about eating disorders due to Weight Woe: Kimmy reveals her "secrets" of remaining thin to a weight-conscious D.J., who decided to start dieting before tossing a box of cookies into the trashcan in the room.
Kimmy: First, I exercise: And one [bends down to grab the box of cookies D.J. had just thrown away] and two [stands up with the box of cookies in hand] and three [opens the box] and four. [takes a cookie out of the box] Then I watch what I eat. [looks at the cookie] This looks good. [starts eating]
- Also the entire episode "Secret Admirer," where Rusty sends a fake love letter to D.J. Hilarity Ensues.
Michelle: Everything went bananas!
- In the episode "Working Girl", Polite Police Michelle asks Steph if she can have her cupcake.
Michelle: May I have that cupcake please?
Steph: No, you may not.
Michelle: But I was polite and I said please.
Steph: I was polite too, I said no, you may not.
Michelle: Guess what... (puts the cardboard star on the table) Politeness Week is over! (grabs Steph's cupcake and runs)
Steph: (runs after her) How rude!
- Jesse freaking out about Becky wanting an old-fashioned country wedding, saying "I am not having my wedding on Hee Haw" and proceeding to check her mouth to see if she's snaggletoothed like his imagine spot.
- "Stephanie Gets Framed":
- In "A Fish Named Martin":
- In "The Wedding" (part 1):
- Michelle practices by throwing tissue paper while she goes around the living room as Danny tries to get her to stop as he picks up the tissues but she keeps going.
Danny: Honey, these were trees once.
- DJ and Steph document the entire wedding, beginning with the day before the wedding.
DJ: DJ Tanner presents: The Making of a Wedding. A DJ Tanner Production, of a DJ Tanner Film. Written and Directed by DJ Tanner.
Steph: (holding the camera) Cute! Ain't you forgetting something?
DJ: Okay, sorry.
Steph: And... action!
DJ: Hosted by DJ Tanner. Hi, I'm DJ Tanner.
Steph: Cut, again! What about me? This video is a wedding gift for me too, you know.
DJ: Okay, I see we have some ego-problems here. Let's take it from the top.
Steph: Action!
DJ: DJ and
(with enthusiasm) Stephanie
(Steph gives her a thumbs up) presents: the making of a wedding.
- During Becky's dad and Jesse's heartfelt talk:
- Kimmy walks into the Tanner house carrying two dresses and asks DJ which outfit she should wear to the wedding.
DJ: Kimmy, those are my clothes!
Kimmy: That's why I'm asking you.
- Joey tries to talk Jesse out of sky-diving since he's getting married.
Jesse: I gotta do one last crazy thing before I give it up for the woman I love!
Joey: Isn't flying with me crazy enough?
Jesse: No.
Joey: How about if I do this?
(Joey spins the plane around) Jesse: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! Don't do that!
(hits Joey's head) - Jesse jumps out of the plane:
Jesse: HAAAVE MEEERCYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Joey: Oh, my God, he jumped without his...
mousse! (Jesse pulls his parachute. Joey gives him a thumbs up. Jesse slowly descends to the ground.) Jesse: Did I forget my mousse?
- At the church:
Danny: Nothing's wrong.
Mr. Donaldson: You're lying! I can tell by the way you won't look me in the eye!
(Rebecca comes out)
Rebecca: Is everything already, Danny?
Danny: Oh, everything's fine. Perfectly fine.
Rebecca: Then why won't you look me in the eye?
- After Joey arrives at the church, and realizes Jesse isn't there:
Becky: Where's Jesse?
Joey: He must have went to pick up some can of mousse.
Becky: (relieved) Oh, thank god.
Joey: (chuckles) Yeah, he forgot it when he jumped out of the plane.
Becky: He jumped out of a plane?!
Joey: It's okay. I took him skydiving. Last I saw him he's floating safely to the Earth.
Becky: (grabs Joey's collar) You took him skydiving?!
- This scene in part 2:
Kimmy: These people are getting restless. You guys better lock the exits.
Joey: What are we going to do?
Danny: We gotta tell them something.
Joey: We can't tell them the truth.
Danny: I can't lie in church!
Joey: Neither can I. We'll take them to the parking lot and lie to them there.
Danny: Joey, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Mr. Katsopolis: What's going on?
Mrs. Katsopolis: Where's my baby?
Danny: You see, the truth is, your son's... (noticed the guests are looking at him) Would everybody like to accompany me in the parking lot?
(Everyone stands up. Kimmy barges in.)
Kimmy: Hey, I know why Jesse's late! He's in the slammer!
(everyone murmurs in confusion)
Danny: You can all sit down now.
(everyone does)
- At the reception, Jesse and Rebecca have their first dance as husband and wife and not being able to settle between "Jailhouse Rock" or a slow dance song, they compromise. They slow dance to Jesse singing a lounge singer version of "Jailhouse Rock". That alone is very funny, but when Rebecca gets tired of that real quick, he enthusiastically switches back to the regular version at her behest.
- "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun":
- Michelle goes about telling lies to various family members and ends it with "Ha ha haha ha, Iiiiii fooled you!"
- When she lies to Dannny about a mouse being in the house, she's told about The Boy Who Cried Wolf, only to say "I didn't cry wolf, I cried mouse."
- Jesse gets a pool table and hustles money out of Joey playing billiard. Then Danny hustles Jesse right back. And Joey gets to exact some payback on Jesse (both figuratively and literally, since Danny gives him $10 out of the $100 he hustled from Jesse after the fact).
Danny: [gives money to Joey] Here's $10 for keeping your mouth shut. Buy yourself something nice.
Jesse: You knew he was a pool shark?
Joey: Well, he did go to college on a billiard scholarship.
[Jesse attempts to Dope Slap Joey upside the head, only for Jody to duck out of it] Jesse: Why didn't you say something?
Joey: 'Cos I just made $10!
[Danny and Joey laugh in Jesse's face, much to Jesse's chagrin]
- "Rock the Cradle" when Becky tried to tell Jesse she was pregnant through a game of Pictionary.
- Before that, Jesse fails to actually figure out what his wife is trying to tell him, instead having told her about his band going on tour. This leads to a hilarious misunderstanding when he thinks that this is what everyone else is talking about:
Joey: Congratulations on your miracle!
Jesse: Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a miracle, I mean it took a lot of hard work.
(Danny and the girls stare for a moment) Jesse: You know, at the risk of being vain, some natural raw talent too!
Danny: (
has a "O_O" face)
Jesse: I've been
practicing for years! In friends' garages, basements...
Danny: (
covers both DJ and Stephanie's ears)
Jesse: (
as Becky runs in to try and warn them that she didn't tell him) And listen, when the big night comes, I want you all there with me and Becky screaming and yelling and and holding up lighters and chanting "JESSE! JESSE! JESSE!"
Danny: What are you talking about?
Season 5
- During DJ's presentation in "Take My Sister, Please".
[after DJ finishes, Danny, Joey, and Jessie talk amongst themselves.]
Joey: Can I see chart #2 again—
Jesse: (pulls Joey back in) Get in here!
Danny: Okay, we've come to a decision.
DJ: Dad, that's so unfair!
Danny: You haven't even heard what I have to say yet.
DJ: Sorry, just a habit.
- "The King and I":
- Jesse "gets pregnant" in "The Volunteer".
- Joey bursts out in hysterical laughing fits at the sight of Jesse in such a state, stopping only when Jesse makes it clear that he absolutely wants Joey to stop with the combination of a Death Glare and pointing at Joey. Joey says "I'm done"... and then starts laughing again as he quickly walks out of the room. Jesse promptly tries to literally kick Joey's butt in sheer annoyance — the keyword being "tries", however, as the extra weight of the pad around his waist gives him such a bad cramp that his foot fails to make contact with any part of Joey's body.
- Jesse decides to take the pad off his waist out of sheer frustration, but Rebecca counters that she can't take her weight off so easily and challenges him to keep it on.
Jesse: I'm not wearing this thing. It's got to weigh 25 pounds.
Rebecca: [points at her own waist] Wait a minute. So does this thing, and I went through a lot of trouble to get that sympathy pad from my childbirth coach. And if you really want to know what I was going through, you would wear it for more than five minutes, unless, of course... you're not man enough to be pregnant.
Jesse: [scoffs] I'm as much man as you are.
- The nursing home resident visiting the Tanner household remarks about Jesse upon seeing him walking by with the pad still strapped on the waist.
A pregnant man. I gotta get out more often.
- The ENTIRETY of "Happy Birthday Babies Part 2", in which Becky goes into labor, is a CMOF, especially when Jesse becomes delirious from the anesthesia after having his appendix removed.
Jesse: (to Danny) Hey I know you. You're, uh...
Danny: Danny.
Jesse: No, that's not it.
(When Danny has to exit the room)
Jesse: (dazed) Thank you, Donny.
Danny: Close enough.
- Once Becky has to start pushing:
Jesse: (Dazed. Singing) Having my baby...(
sees baby being pushed out) WHOA!
Becky: SHUT UP! - The adults accidentally leave Michelle and her birthday party guests behind when they head to the hospital, so for a few minutes they're on their own and have some trouble figuring out how to handle the cake. "Anybody allowed to play with matches/knives?" "Nooooooo..."
- Kimmy cheerfully announcing to the entire waiting room that Danny isn't wearing pants under his Dino costume (It Makes Sense in Context).
Nurse: Would
Puff the Magic Dragon like a hospital gown?
Danny: I like that very much, and the name is Dino.
- In "Play It Again, Jesse":
- Joey has a stiff neck throughout the episode.
Danny: (Joey is stuck facing up) What are we looking at?
Joey: Nothing. I have a stiff neck.
(Later in the day)
Jesse: (Joey is stuck facing down) Did you lose something?
Joey: Yeah, the use of my neck. I tried to crack it myself...You know it’s amazing how many people need shoe shines?
- Steph accidentally spilled mustard on DJ's sweater she's wearing.
Michelle: She's gonna have a cow!
Steph: Tell me something I don't know!
Michelle: Yesterday, I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.
- Joey got his neck fixed, he just has to not make sudden movements. Then, when Michelle comes wearing DJ's sweater which got shrunk in the washing machine...
Michelle: Look, it fits me!
Steph: Michelle!
Joey: (turns his head to the right) What?! Aah, I just threw my neck out again.
Joey (as Woodchuck): Way to go, stupid.
- An airport bar patron noticed Joey is staring at him.
Guy: What are you staring at?
Joey: I'm not staring, I just have a stiff neck.
Guy: Want me to adjust it for you?
Joey: I'll just adjust my chair. (turns his chair around)
- Later, Joey goes to the restroom and covers his eyes when he passes by the guy.
- In "Crushed", Kimmy tries to run to Tommy Page as he was singing to Steph, and DJ grabs her. Later, she asked Tommy to autograph her shoe, and you know what happens next.
- The longer Tommy stays the more chaos is ensued.
Jesse: (to Danny) Next time you bring a celebrity home, try
Angela Lansbury!
- Ginger the chimp spanking Jesse (who thinks it's Becky) in the rear in "Too Much Monkey Business".
- Kimmy and Steph constant bickering in "The Devil Made Me Do It".
Kimmy: Are you calling me dumb?
Steph: You're so dumb you don't know how dumb you are.
Kimmy: I know how dumb I am. You're the one who's dumb. Capital D-U-M. Dumb.
DJ: Kimmy, there's a 'B'.
Kimmy: Where?! I hate bees!
DJ: I think we have a winner.
Steph: Deej, how can you friends with
this?
Kimmy: She picked me. She got stuck with you.
- In the episode "Yours, Mine, and Ours," Jesse and Becky argue about how to raise their twins:
Jesse: These kids were born to be wild!
Becky: Excuse me, they were born to be little gentlemen.
Jesse: That'll make a fine tattoo.
- In "Where Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone", we get this hilarious exchange
DJ: I don't like you invading my privacy!
Danny: I'm your father, I'll invade Normandy if I want to!
- In "Captain Video, Part 1", Michelle made something for her family to try to get her cooking badge.
Michelle: I call it Michelle's Pudding Surprise.
Becky: Sounds delightful. What's the surprise?
Joey: (eating with a disgusted look) I think it's cheese.
Michelle: Surprise!
DJ: (eating) Michelle, you put cheese in the pudding?!
Michelle: Velveeta, and that's not all.
Danny: (struggling to chew) Mmm. Olives.
Michelle: Don't you like em?
[Everyone nods and says 'yes' with their mouths full.]
Michelle: Then how come nobody's swallowing?
[Everyone struggles taking one big gulp.]
- In Part 2, DJ and Kimmie are discussing Kimmie potentially not going to Spain with D.J. for the summer due to not passing her Spanish class.
Kimmie: Why would I even need to learn the whole language when I only need to know three words: Food. Boys. And Bathroom?
DJ: True, but you don't want to get them mixed up.
- Also from part 2 is Kimmy "hiding" in DJ's bed when she should have gone home, so Danny Trolls her by pretending to talk to DJ about ditching Kimmy in Spain so a pinata maker can set her up in a village square with the children hitting her with flaming sticks.
Season 6
- "Come Fly With Me"
- The look on the family's faces when they see DJ and Steve kiss.
Danny: Making out in an international terminal? What will people think of America?
- Danny asks everyone to give him and DJ space to talk:
Becky: Let's go call Aunt Ida.
Jesse: Why? (Becky grabs his arm) Ow! That's why.
Becky: You too. (grabs Joey's arm)
Joey: Ow! I don't have an Aunt Ida!
- Danny: "Coffee is just hot water with beans. But chocolate milk does a body good."
- Through the whole episode, Michelle says something dumb and keeps missing the point.
- Michelle asking a girl:
Michelle: Are you coming or going?
(The girl answers in a foreign language) Michelle: (rolls her eyes) If you say so.
Steph: I think she's from another country. Michelle: Duh!
- Talking to a cute boy:
Steph: We've been to Nowheresville.
Michelle: Is that where I got sick in the car?
Steph: (pushed Michelle to the chair) Hehe. Kids.
- Even funnier is the look on Michelle's face when Steph pushed her, just staring on.
- When she and Stephanie are on the plane...and learn where the plane is heading:
Steph: (shaking hands) Stephanie Tanner. USA.
Michelle: (shaking hands) Michelle Tanner. C-A-T.
Steph: Michelle!
Michelle: (shrug) That's all I can spell.
Steph: Auckland, New Zealand?
Michelle: Fourteen hours?
Both: (as the plane takes off) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Michelle: Steph, do they have ice cream in New Zealand?
Steph: I don't know. I never been to New Zealand.
Michelle: Oh. But they probably do, right?
Steph: Who cares? Don't you understand? We're going to jail!
Michelle: Oh, right. Do they have ice cream in jail?
Steph: (frustrated) Try to stay with me. We are looking at hard time! I've got 14 hours to come up with a plan. Now the key is, don't act suspicious and stay calm.
Flight attendant Suzy: Beverage?
Steph: Alright we did it, we snuck on the plane! Please please please have mercy on us.
Michelle: That was your plan?
Michelle: We'll be driving six white horses when she comes!
Kids: Yee-haw!
Michelle: We'll be driving six white horses when she comes!
Kids: Yee-haw!
Michelle: (to Steph) I think somebody forgot to sing the "yee-haws".
Steph: I'm too depressed for "yee-haws". When Dad gets a hold of us, the only song we'll be singing is "we'll be grounded for life".
Michelle: We'll be grounded for life when he comes!
Kids: Yee-haw!
(Stephanie sighs in frustration)
- Steph tells Michelle to pretend to be sad so Danny would feel sorry for them.
Michelle: Bye, Suzy!
Steph: Michelle!
Michelle: (being "sad") I mean, bye, Suzy. (sad pout)
Danny: Do you two have any idea how worried we were?
Joey: Why in the world did you get on that plane in the first place?
Steph: We're really sorry. It was an accident.
Jesse: Accident? You accidentally walk into a plane? You accidentally sat down and accidentally flew to New Zealand?
Steph: Okay... it was a freak accident.
Michelle: (whispers to Steph) I don't think they bought it.
(Steph gives her a "be quiet" look)
Danny: You two aren't supposed to cross the street without telling, let alone cross the Pacific!
- Grounded in their rooms.
Steph: Any more questions?
Michelle: Yes, why do grown-ups have hair up their noses?note (I wonder if she's referring to Suzy the stewardess?)
(Steph rolls her eyes)
DJ: I have a question. Are you nuts? What made you get into a plane to New Zealand?
Michelle: That's two questions.
- In "Radio Days", Steph is trying to write a story and Michelle asks if she wants help. She knows how to write "I" and "T".
Steph: Yeah, that'll be a great story: "It it it it it..."!
- "Trouble in Twin Town":
- Jesse finally has it with Becky's snobby cousin Dick's insulting "small jokes" about him: "Well here's a big joke for you: I DON'T EVEN LIKE LOBSTERS!"
- In "Be True to Your Preschool", the girls walk around Kimmy's brother's car to tease a group of nerds for not having a car. But it backfires when they lock themselves out. The nerds get the last laugh as they walk away.
- In "Silence Is Not Golden", Danny accuses Joey of racking up the phone bill.
Danny: Joey, look at these charges! $2, $4, $8...
Joey: Danny, I have never called a 976 number in my life!
(Danny glares at him)
- In "Please Don't Touch the Dinosaur", when Jesse and Danny have an argument about the best approach in chaperoning the kids that leads to each of them taking care of some of the kids, Aaron is among the ones Danny chaperones and gives Danny grief for the more regulated method Danny employs, leaving to Danny retorting once they reach an exhibit.
Danny: Aaron, do you know why the dinosaur went extinct? (standing up) It's because he talked back to a bigger dinosaur.
Aaron: Sorry, sir, it will never happen again.
- In "The House Meets The Mouse, Part 1", Michelle takes her princess role too seriously.
Steph: Why are we letting the little half-pint tell us what to do?
Michelle: Maybe because you didn't see the crown on my head!
Steph: If your head gets any bigger it's gonna fall off.
DJ: Conference.
[DJ, Steph, and Kimmy step away]
Steph: I can't take it anymore! This princess thing is out of control!
DJ: You're right. She's getting way too bossy.
Michelle: (listening in) Who needs them? (walks away)
Kimmy: Yeah. What's her problem, anyway? She's treating us like we're the ugly stepsisters.
Steph: Kimmy... Nah! Too easy.
Kimmy: What do you mean by that?
Steph: What I mean is you're absolutely the ugly—
[Steph and Kimmy start arguing until DJ stops them.]
- Michelle only got the princess role because she cut in front of Steph to rub the lamp.
- Danny tries to ask Vicky to marry him, but he keeps getting interrupted throughout the 2-parter. Though in this case it's a good thing, since it's to let him know Michelle's missing.
Danny: Vicky I gotta tell you something quick before someone else does. Vicky, I—
Waitress: (handing him a phone) Mr. Tanner, you've got a call.
Danny: Of course I do.
- "The House Meets The Mouse, Part 2"
- Joey spots a shark swimming around the underwater radio station and becomes freaked out.
Joey: Some people are afraid of the dark. Some people are afraid of heights. Some people are afraid of eggs.
Jesse: Don't worry, Joey. We're safe in here-- Eggs?
[Joey shrugs]
Jesse: Becky is waiting for me! It's time to face your fears and find out what you're made of!
Joey: What if I'm made of shark food?!
Jesse: Sit down and put on your fins!
- Chip 'n Dale ate Jesse and Becky's lunch.
Jesse: Rodents!
- After seeing Steve as various Disney characters due to missing him:
DJ: Indiana Jones is so brave and handsome. He reminds me of Steve.
Kimmy: Huey, Dewey, and Louie remind you of Steve.
- Someone used the fireworks to say "Vicky will you marry me?"
Season 7
- "It was a Dark and Stormy Night"
Stephanie: Just the wind?
Just the wind?! It's never JUST THE WIND!
- The cement truck scene from "The Apartment". Even funnier is how Joey is just sitting there the whole time listening to his cassette, somehow it was loud enough to make him unable to hear the chute crashing through the window.
- In "Another Opening, Another No Show" , when Danny, hyper from taste-testing coffee all day, is failing to get the cappuccino machine started the night Jesse's nightclub opens:
- In "The Day of the Rhino":
- Also, the For Inconvenience, Press "1" sequence: Specific complaints the Rigby the Rhino hotline addresses include "if your Rigby pen is leaking" and "if your Rigby sticker turned everything in the washing machine orange". The appalled Joey notes, "Remind me to cross those off my Christmas list!" As for disappointment with the size of the Rigby toy the girls have called about, pressing that number gets the automated response: "It's not the size of your Rigby that counts, it's the fun you bring to it!"
- The entirety of the Incredibly Fantastic Discoveries infomercial in "The Prying Game".
- "Bicycle Thief":
- Danny trying to stop Mrs. Caruthers from entering the kitchen where the stolen bikes are, not knowing the bikes are already upstairs. He ran to the kitchen before her...
Danny: Wait! Don't go in there! Move 'em! Move 'em! Move...
[finds only Kimmy in the kitchen] "Movin' on up! To the East Side! To the de-luxe apartment in the sky!" Boy I miss
The Jeffersons, don't you? How many Lionels were there? Do you remember?
Mrs. Caruthers: One mystery at a time, Mr. Tanner.
- This dialogue:
Steph: Guys, check this out! Three other pink bikes got swiped!
Kimmy: That's why we're here, small fry!
Steph: How comforting, slim-jim.
- Also this one:
Steve: Little Ruthie Bell went in to get her very first library card, and some goon napped her bike. Says here said she lost her zest for reading.
Danny: She's zest-less?!
- More hilarious, earlier, when Danny realized he stolen the girl's bike near the library, he worries she'll be traumatized to the point of losing interest in reading.
- The police sketch of Uncle Jesse.
D.J.: Look at this guy who took the Schultz's bike! He looks exactly like Uncle Je—
Danny: Uncle Seymour! Hey, he looks exactly like Uncle Seymour. If he weren't a priest in Athens, he would be a suspect. Yes he would. (whispering) Take these up to Uncle Seymour.
Steph: Who?
Danny: Just do it.
- D.J., Steve, and Steph went up to Michelle's room to find Jesse and Joey with three pink bikes.
- Mrs. Caruthers "interrogating" Danny.
Danny: For the 100th time, I don't know anything!
Mrs. Caruthers: I don't believe you!
Danny: It's the truth, I tell ya!
Mrs. Caruthers: You mean to tell me... that Joey’s never mentioned me, not even in passing?
- Lenard gives Jesse a lift.
- "Support Your Local Parents":
- Danny begins interrogating Stephanie and Michelle as to why they are being extra greedy from DJ, and Michelle's confession of something else entirely and Danny's subsequent response are priceless.
Danny: Y'know, it can only mean one thing.
Michelle: I did it! I used your toothbrush to brush Comet's teeth!
Danny: Ugh! Okay, it can only mean two things, but we're gonna talk about that one later.
- After Danny learns the truth about D.J.'s ticket and being blackmailed, he comes up with this as punishment:
Danny: D.J., for the next to weekends, you can only use the car to take Stephanie and Michelle wherever they want to go.
D.J.: Dad, that's not fair!
Stephanie: I think it's extremely fair!
Danny: Oh, but keep listening. You're gonna love this next part. Stephanie and Michelle, for the next two weekends, you two are grounded.
Michelle: But then DJ can't take us anyplace. Danny: [smirking] Y'see, that's the fair part.
- Then there's his initial reaction to learning about the reason D.J. got ticketed in the first place — namely, Kimmy sticking her feet out of the backseat window and obstructing D.J.'s rear-view mirror from it. Danny claims he thought D.J. had run over a muskrat with the car prior to her confession.
- Much earlier in the episode, Steve has a suggestion for Kimmy regarding her sticking her feet out the car window.
Steve: Next time you stick your feet out of the car window, make sure we're going through a car wash first.
- In the main plot, Jesse and Rebecca try to get Nicky and Alex to socialize with other kids, but nothing sees to work. Rebecca gets Jesse to go to a support group, where they encounter a couple with teenage twins named Phil ("spelled differently"). When the wife remarks it was the husband (Phil Sr.) who named them, he responds with, "Shut up, Phyllis."
- "The Last Dance", despite its overall somber premise, manages to have a funny moment early on during D.J. and Kimmy's argument over Kimmy getting the sunglasses D.J. was interested in but never bought.
D.J.: You always do this! Everything I want, you'd have to have it, too!
Kimmy: Hey, I leave Steve alone!
Steve: [gagging on a mouthful of apple he's eating] And don't think I'm not grateful for that.
Season 8
- "Comet's Excellent Adventure":
- Michelle explaining where Comet ran away to.
Michelle: He went that way chasing a humongous wiener!
Steph: Yeah right,
with a real giant bun.
Michelle: You saw it too? Steph: Stop it, okay?!
Michelle: Jesse said I could walk him and he ran away chasing a giant hot dog.
Steph: Would you stop with the stupid story already?
Michelle: I told you for the millionth, it's true!
DJ: Look, I don't care if he was chasing a giant fruit cup!
Michelle: Why would he chase a fruit cup? He likes hot dogs.
DJ: Whatever!
- Steph sees the car with the giant hotdog:
Steph: I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Michelle: That's okay.
One time I lied to you and you did believe me. Steph: (to Danny) At first I didn't believe her, but that's okay, it makes up for a time she lied to me and I believed her.
- Jesse: "I should have known! The first rule of physics: idiots and electronics don't mix!"
- Rollo the "Human Mannequin", whom Danny and Rebecca meet on location, manages to contribute to the humor just by standing still.
- Rebecca gets the viewers on "Wake Up, San Francisco" to focus on Rollo in order to buy time for Danny to listen to Jesse's confession.
Rebecca: Maybe he'll move. *awkwardly* Let's watch.
- In the meantime, Danny is in a hurry to get things going.
Danny: Jesse, this had better be important. The whole Bay Area is waiting for Rollo to blink.
- Finally, Jesse has just acknowledged to Danny the disaster he had unwittingly caused, before he notices Rollo's happy-looking face in his direction.
Jesse: What are you smiling at?
- "Breaking Away":
- After Danny orders Stephanie, who's wearing a lot of make-up, to take most of it off her face, he enters Stephanie and Michelle's bedroom to check up on her. Noticing the mess in her side of the bedroom, he tells her to clean it up before leaving.
Gia: It's your room. Why does he care if it's clean?
- Stephanie refuses to clean up her side of the room to protest Danny's rules and lets things get messier, Michelle can't stand it and tries moving into DJ's room. DJ protests to Danny, but he clearly doesn't want to deal with their arguing when he walks in.
Danny: Okay, who was ever wrong last time, you're right this time. Let's have dinner.
- After hearing the situation, Danny intends to use subtle psychology on Stephanie.
Michelle: What's subtle psychology?
Danny: [off-screen] LOOK AT THIS ROOM! YOU CALL THIS CLEAN?!
DJ: Not that.
- "Making Out is Hard to Do":Jesse's nightmare sequence and the events taking place right after he wakes up after deciding to quit music.
- "To Joey, with Love":
- From "You Pet It, You Bought It":
- When Shorty the donkey brays while out in the backyard:
Michelle: Do you think the neighbors can hear him?
Neighbor: (in reaction to Shorty the donkey's braying) WHATEVER THAT IS, I'M GONNA SHOOT IT!
Stephanie: I guess they can.
- The next morning, the Tanner family witnesses the destruction Shorty causes, which includes the picture of Danny's grandfather, with Shorty chewing right through the face section. Jesse and Joey react by saying that they now finally see the resemblance between Danny and his grandfather.
- Danny is incensed by Shorty's destruction, especially towards his grandfather's portrait, and he calls out to his neighbors to take Shorty off their hands.
Danny: That's it. (shouts) WOULD ANYBODY LIKE TO BUY A DONKEY?
Jesse: Danny, no one wants to buy a donkey.
Michelle: I did.
Danny:(shouts) OKAY, WOULD ANYBODY LIKE A FREE DONKEY?
Neighbor: (off-screen) SHUT UP, TANNER! I'D RATHER HEAR THE DONKEY!
Rebecca: Danny, be careful. Some of the neighbors are armed and cranky.
- Michelle finally concedes that they can't keep Shorty and agrees to Danny's suggestion of giving him away to a local zoo:
Michelle: What time is it open?
Stephanie: Who cares? We'll wait by the gate.
- From "Under The Influence"
- Jesse is attempting to teach Nicky and Alex about forgiveness, with Joey's help, with both of them "forgiving" each other after putting leftover fish goo all over each other. This incident provides the current page image.
- The reason there is leftover fish goo in the first place? Joey has made "flounder tarts". It doesn't help that he put a raw fish straight into a blender, as evidenced when he takes the fish out of the blender, head and tail-fin included. Stephanie's reaction to them is "approval denied" before leaving the kitchen, Michelle understandably reacts with disgust at once, and Jesse, having taken a bite out of one of said tarts before Joey informed him what it was, does a Spit Take right away upon learning the truth about Joey's homemade tarts.
- Joey's earlier entree doesn't fare much better, as they're meat muffins. No one likes them any more than they would like the flounder tarts, and Danny reacts by suggesting to call for takeout right as Nicky and Alex follow Michelle into the kitchen.
Michelle: I'm starved. What's for dinner?
[...]
Rebecca: Actually, dinner's gonna be late, thanks to Pillsbury Meat Boy.
[Joey raises his hand awkwardly]
- "Super Bowl Fun Day":
- The kids give Joey Puppy-Dog Eyes except for the grimace-faced Aaron (which Jesse covers up).
- How DJ starts her college interview:
DJ: Excuse me for just one second.
(runs over to the living room door) SHUT UP!! (comes back in and smiles nervously) I just had to clear my throat there.
- The revelation that the lady who had arrived to interview DJ for a college scholarship is a super bowl fan herself. She proceeds to cut the interview short so that she can watch the game with the guys. And it turns out she frequents the same bar as the patrons.
Bar patrons: Norma!
College interviewer: What are you guys are doing here? Why aren't you all at Weebs?
Bartender Weebs: It's because of
Beavis and Butt-Head here!
Jesse: Don't blame Beavis.
(points at Joey) This is all Butt-Head's fault.
- Then Joey does a laugh while imitating Butt-Head and everyone reacts by throwing food at him.
- In "My Left and Right Foot", Jesse is worried Becky's bad singing would ruin their good-night song.
Joey: That's not a problem. A problem is having your butt falling off.
Jesse: (
Beat)
What?! Joey: Well... you'd be out of the mooning business, I don't know.
Jesse: SIT DOWN!
- "Taking the Plunge":
- "Up on the Roof":
- Upon seeing Joey sleeping on the kitchen counter, Jesse tries waking him up by clunking on a cooking pot with a wooden spoon, but Joey doesn't budge. Rebecca succeeds... by imitating Bugs Bunny at Joey's ear.
- Jesse and Rebecca trading barbs upon Rebecca volunteering to teach Michelle how to cook.
Michelle: I'm going to get up early and cook my own breakfast. Wait a minute. I don't even know how to cook.
Rebecca: Michelle, I'll teach you how to cook.
Jesse: Well, that's sweet, honey, but... who's gonna teach you?
Rebecca: Come on, stop teasing me. I'm a good cook. Remember that sausage and lima bean casserole I made? I called it my "Sunday surprise".
Danny: We called it our "Monday surprise".
Jesse: I was still getting surprised on Tuesday.
Rebecca: Yeah, well, I bet you won't be surprised tonight.
Jesse: Ow! Whoa! Check, please.
- From "Michelle Rides Again":
- Kimmy's various attempts at getting a prom date for D.J.
- It starts with Kimmy telling D.J. she's going to the prom with Duane:
D.J.: Wow. You have a date and a dress. So far, my prom's looking like a bag of chips and a remote control.
Kimmy: Deej, you spent your whole year dating
Nelson and Viper. Nobody knows you're available. I'll put a word out.
D.J.: You're not gonna do anything tacky, are you?
Kimmy: Of course not. Let me borrow your magic marker.
D.J.: Kimmy, I don't want my name on a locker room wall.
Kimmy: Right. Initials and phone number. (grabs a marker and runs off)
D.J.: No. Kimmy, Kimmy! Give it back! (runs after)
- Then Kimmy rounds up a group of nerds for D.J. to pick. D.J. is NOT impressed.
D.J.: Kimmy, what did you do — raid a
Star Trek convention?
- The prospect of D.J. picking one from the group of nerds becomes lower still when a Q & A exchange between Kimmy and D.J. makes it clear that D.J. won't go with anyone who neglects personal hygiene. Two out of the five are out as the result.
D.J.: Congratulations, Kimmy. You've hit an all-time low.
- D.J.'s final vetting process for the remaining three nerds ends up disqualifying them all.
- Kimmy's next prom date of choice turns out to be a cousin of Duane's, who's a Stage Magician. The selling point is that he has the outfit all ready-made... except he has to clean the bird droppings out of his pocket.
- On the night of the senior prom, Kimmy tells D.J. that Duane's cousin can't make it, though she also informs D.J. that she manages to find one guy to fill in. Given Kimmy's track record, D.J. is understandably nervous.
D.J.: I'm afraid to ask.note Then it turns heartwarming when Steve enters the house.
- Jesse and Joey's wrestling practice in anticipation for their audition as wrestling match co-commentators ends with Jesse trying and failing to smack Joey due to their leg-locked positioning causing them to alternate bobbing up and down as though they were on a fast-moving seesaw.
- After Michelle regains her memory, the first sign she gives the family is when she tells the twins that she didn't lend them a stuffed animal. Their reaction? "Busted!"