Funny / Diablo III

For being a grim Dark Fantasy game, even Diablo III has its moments of humor! (For funny moments in the previous games, click here.)

  • The Butcher:
    "Vegetable bad! Meat Good!"
    "Zombie flesh good! Human flesh better!"
  • There is no cow level... But there is a pony level!
  • Almost anything Covetous Shen says or does.
    Shen: Do you think there is something to eat here? I am feeling hungry...
    Wizard: Well, there are some decaying dead bodies everywhere.
  • The Witch Doctor's journal entry for the quest where you travel through the Caverns of Araneae:
    • Even better, check the entry you get after killing the Spider Queen. The Witch-Doctor admits he feels sorry he had to kill it.
  • The following conversation between Tyrael and Lyndon (the Scoundrel) in Act IV:
    Lyndon: So, Tyrael, have angels and humans ever fallen in love?
    Tyrael: There was an angel who loved a nephalem, but that was long ago.
    Tyrael: Never.
  • Lyndon and Kormac's interactions are pretty funny. For instance:
    Lyndon: Wait. If the tomes of your order contain all these prophecies, why don't they know what place they ended up in?
    Kormac: What?
    Lyndon: They didn't even bother to read the damn things, did they? Otherwise, they'd likely know where to look.
    Kormac: I...never thought of that.
  • His in-town banter when he's not your current Follower is pretty amusing:
    Lyndon: Want to find more gold out there? Bring a thief with you next time!note 
    Lyndon: I'm not as bad as I look. Really! S-stop walking away!
    Lyndon: Please take me with you. These villagers are so terribly dull!
    Lyndon: Don't take that Templar with you! He'll put you to sleep with all of his blathering!
  • A bit of random conversation with the Templar:
    PC: Did you have many friends at the order?
    Kormac: We are brothers. It is a stronger bond than mere friendship.
  • Kormac's hopeless attraction to Eirena and Eirena's obliviousness makes for many funny moments:
    Kormac: Are there any men who follow the Prophet?
    Eirena: There are not. Do you wish to join us?
    Kormac: I am sworn to my order.
    Eirena: I am certain that my fair sisters would enjoy your company.
    Eirena: What ails you, templar?
    • Their first meeting has Kormac absolutely smitten by Eirena's beauty, commenting on her appearance to the PC. When she asks what they're whispering about, Kormac is more than a little flustered..
  • On the Southern Highlands, after defeating a cultist and the khazra ghosts he summoned, the player finds his journal:
    Yes, with these heathens at my command, the kingdoms of the world shall bow to the might of... THE LORD OF GOATS!
    ...I may have to work on the title a bit more.
  • In the first act, it is possible to stumble on a "Forlorn Farm". Upon defeating the enemies there, you are invited into the cellar where a farmer and his wife hid. If you go down, you will find that the wife is long dead, nothing but a desiccated corpse in a rocking chair whose head proceeds to fall off; the farmer may or may not be oblivious to this - each line from him is part of a Hurricane of Puns, much to the dismay of the Player Character.
    Farmer: [after the corpse's head topples off onto the floor] Oh, she's nodded off.
    Farmer: My wife can't help with the planting and harvesting. She's nothing but skin and bones!
    Farmer: It can be dangerous in the wilderness. Being out this far scares my wife to death!
    Farmer: You wouldn't know it, but this basement gets right chilly at night. Cold as the grave!
    Farmer: You should have been there when I met my wife. I lost my heart and she lost her head.
    Farmer: I can't take all the credit. My wife handles the business side of things. She has a good head on her shoulders!
    PC: Hmm... Really?
  • An NPC in Act I laments, "I promised Marko I'd protect him, and now he's dead." Within the same act, one of the unique bosses you can encounter is an undead named Marko, whose subtitle is "AND NOW HE'S DEAD".
  • One of the merchants in Act II has this to say about his wares:
    Silmak the Fence: I sell things for cheap, because I will just take them off your body when you are dead. No offense.
  • During Act III while a demon ambush is going on, the recruits are panicking. Their commander...not so much:
    Recruit: Demons! Captain, what should we do?
    Captain Haile: Private, if you need to be reminded which end of the sword goes where, you haven't been paying attention!
    • And later:
      Captain Haile: You there! Damotrius! Stop moping about! If this was your funeral I'm bloody well certain you'd have been told!
    • And when you're battling demons with him in the Blaze of Glory event at Rakkis Crossing:
      Captain Haile: Those worms have come up from behind! Bloody adorable! They're trying to ambush us!
  • Also from Act III, when raising the last catapult from its moorings, your sole NPC aid comes from a grizzled lieutenant whose vinegar-laced "encouragement" straddles the line between hilarious and Crazy Awesome:
    Lieutenant Clyfton: I'm sorry, catapult, I'm not strong enough to lift you on my own. Would you mind convincing my friend over there to lend a bloody hand?!
    • Made even funnier after you finally get the damn thing lifted, and he becomes amazingly sheepish:
      Lieutenant Clyfton: Done! I...uh...promised Captain Haile I'd watch my temper. Do me a favor and don't tell him that I shouted at you a little, all right?
  • In Act I after rescuing Cain, you can stumble upon a conversation between a villager and a tired patron in New Tristram:
    Villager: You know what would take everyone's mind off their troubles? One of Theodas's great comedies.
    Tired Patron: I've seen one of them. Two men dressed as women, screeching at each other and tearing their bodices? Oh, that'd cheer me right up.
  • During Act III in the base area:
    Little Boy: Stab those bloody demons in the arse!
    Mother: Beryn!
    Little Boy: I heard Captain Haile say that!
  • In Act II, during the quest to collect the various parts of Zoltun Kulle:
    Lyndon: People say I'm bad, but no one's ever had to imprison me and dismantle my body parts. A little context would be nice.
    • When you reach Kulle's sanctuary.
    Barbarian: Yes. My people were the guardians of the Worldstone.
    Kulle: (disappointed) Oh.
  • When the old soldier and his wife at Bastion's Keep in Act III aren't being heartwarming, they're usually being funny instead. In particular, after one event they reminisce together about the time she was kidnapped by barbarians: the soldier describes how he was beside himself until they returned her with an apology, and his wife comments that their leader still sends her a bundle of hides every year and is the nicest kidnapper she's met.
  • Kormac the Templar's truly over-the-top reactions upon encountering Elite Mooks. Made funnier when made against elites in Whimsyshire, the land of unicorns, cuddly bears, flowers and happy clouds.
    BY ALL THAT IS HOLY! Do you see that enemy over there?!
  • In the Caldeum Bazaar in Act 2, there are two kids (a boy and a girl) running around with their pet rabbit. They eventually make their way to an Iron Wolf in the center of the map, where the man kills the rabbit with his sword, splattering blood all over the ground. The boy and the girl then run in opposite directions, crying.
  • Taking Lyndon through the bulk of Act 2 or 3. His endless complaints are rather amusing...helped greatly by his voice actor's excellent work.
    • Lyndon's banter generally. For instance, while Kormac and Eirena will genuinely praise you upon leveling up, Lyndon's compliments are of the... more backhanded sort.
    Lyndon: You're not as bad as you look!
    Lyndon: Someday you'll be as good as me.
  • Eirena's Suspiciously Specific Denial in the Caverns of Araneae:
    Eirena: Do you ever feel like you are encased in webs and slowly suffocating in a lightless cave? Because I do not.
  • And there's this little gem of conversation in Adventure Mode between Tyrael and Lorath Nahr:
    Tyrael: My stomach feels strange.
    Lorath Nahr: Did you forget to eat again?
    Tyrael: No. In fact, I decided to get the day's eating out of the way all at once. I kept at it until I couldn't take another bite.
    Lorath Nahr: Oh, it sounds like you ate too much then.
    Tyrael: Being a mortal is very complicated.
    • After players noticed this conversation happening almost every time they went into town, it was reduced, with the patch note, "Tyrael will discuss his digestion with less frequency."
    • Another gem from the duo:
    Tyrael: Have you spoken to Orek?
    Lorath Nahr: Not yet. What does one say to an ancient nephalem ghost?
    Tyrael: I suppose you start with, "Hello."
  • Veteran Demon Hunter Greyscarr never shows up in the game proper, but the flavor text for some of the Demon Hunter's abilities imply that he has a wicked sense of humor.
    Blood Vengeance: If it bleeds you can kill it. Kill this one slowly.
    Archery: Feel the weight of the crossbow in your hand. Now... the wind, the distance, the target's speed. Good. Now try it with blood in your eyes and a demon at your throat.
    Sharpshooter: Every creature has a vulnerability. Find it, and put an arrow in it.
    Ballistics: How should I know who first invented these devices? Just make sure the correct end is pointed at the enemy and they'll do the rest.
  • In Reaper of Souls the player encourages Kormac to tell Eirena how he feels about her. Kormac does by asking her if she'd like to continue adventuring by his side after the current quest is over. Eirena excitedly tells him yes. And then she tells Kormac that she feels as close to him as she did to her sisters. Kormac is... less than thrilled when she says that.
  • An Act 1 conversation with Myriam Jahzria, the Mystic (an NPC added for Reaper of Souls) leans on the fourth wall:
    Mystic: I see a village in flames, and an old friend will pay the ultimate price so that the truth may be revealed.
    PC: (who has probably played through this part of the game several times by now) I know this already.
    Mystic: Really? How do you know?
    PC: Ah...never mind...
  • Some of the legendary items can earn a good laugh if you catch the reference they're making. For example, the Bottomless Potion of Kulle-Aid, which lets you break through the walls that wallers make. The best part is the flavor text:
    Oh, yeah!
    “Twas hitherto eons past from whence Krelm the Immodest didst thitherward dash forth upon the Blazing Wastes clad only in his bogodile skin belt and bracers to face the loathsome Oglak beast and slew him thence mightily with nigh but his bare hands thereupon. Whereupon having vanquished the Oglak beast that had devoured a ten-stone weight worth of villagers, didst they hitherto beseech Krelm the Immodest to remain henceforth as the village champion and erected a statue to honor his name hereinafter.”
  • Another legendary item is a mace belonging to a Crusader named Johanna, who mysteriously disappeared one day and never was seen since. Apparently, Blizzard kidnapped her right out of Diablo for Heroes of the Storm, which makes a little sense when you consider Johanna looks considerably different than the PC female Crusader, unlike the other champions from D3 that made it into Hot S (i.e.: Kharazim, Nazeebo, Valla, Sonya, who all look exactly like the player characters).
    • Though Valla also have similar legendary items that imply that Blizzard kidnapped her right after the end of her short story (Hatred And Discipline) and leaving you to fill in her place.
  • When Imperius begrudgingly agrees to help you defeat Malthael in Reaper of Souls, he coldly informs you he won't thank you, even if you succeed. Most PC answer with an equally cold answer. The Wizard, on the other hand?
  • The Monk's journal entry after helping and recruiting Lyndon the Scoundrel. It consists of only one line:
    Monk: I have helped Lyndon. I will not speak of it again.
  • In Bastion Keep, a young couple can be heard talking in between quests. Eventually, Nikola tells Drian that, when everything is over, they should start a family, with children and everything. Drian doesn't know how fast he should go back to the battlefield. One would rather face The Legions of Hell than talk about children, after all.
    • Later on, he admits he was an idiot and he would gladly start a family. Then, when the siege is lifted and all the soldiers can finally get some rest, they have this conversation:
      Drian: It's all come down to a single fight, and I don't even get to be there!
      Nikola: Good, you could use some sleep.
      Drian: But I'm not even tired!
      Nikola: (*seductive*) You could use some sleep...
      Drian: Oh!
  • While seeking for the first sword piece in Act I, Lyndon lampshades the light coming out of cave entrances.
    Player: This magic is familiar to me. This must be where the sword piece fell.
    Lyndon: Either that, or the goatmen have built one hell of a bonfire.
  • The Monk's journal entry upon encountering Covetous Shen:
    That barrel is talking.
  • The Barbarian trash-talking the cowardly (former) mayor Holus of New Tristram in the beginning of Act III is hilarious.
    Holus: Please escort me out of here! I will pay anything!
    Barbarian: Keep complaining, and I will escort you to the nearest catapult. The demons will know true fear when they see your fat carcass hurtling down on them.
  • The crusaders introduction of Haedrig the blacksmith to his crusade.
    Haedrig Eamon: I need something more than making spades to occupy my mind. I want my life to mean something.
    The Crusader: Then join my crusade. The work is hard, the rewards are few, and you'll likely die.
    Haedrig Eamon: That does sound meaningful... and awful.
  • There's just something hilarious in how the Crusader uses the phrase "have words" as a euphemism for killing people. The sheer Understatement inherent in their reaction to hearing Demon Lord Belial has taken over Caldeum - promising to "have words with him" - is just plain hilarious.
  • Eirena and the Male Crusader discussing Kormac's odd behavior.
    Eirena: Has Kormac's behavior seemed strange to you?
    Crusader: Well he has taken a few blows to the head. Why do you ask?
    Eirena: Well I am just worried I have said something to offend him.
    Crusader: Hmmm... maybe. You best go talk to him right away.
  • One of the Crusader's comments if left idle too long is, "There is a certain beauty in the stillness. Let's kill it."
  • Upon freeing the spirits of past Crusaders, the ghost of the Crusader's mentor will pester them about when they'll get an apprentice of their own.
  • Lydon's commentary when you first encounter succubi.
    Lyndon: Angry, naked women attacking me? It's like my summer in Westmarch all over again....
  • The Crusader's dialogue has all the air of someone who realizes that the player has gone through the game before, possibly numerous times. Instead of cursing at or threatening demon lords, or talking how dangerous something is, the Crusader acts, "Another day, another crisis, ho-hum" for most everything.
  • In a moment that is both funny and heartwarming, when Kormac must take on the order that has lied to him and used him, if Lyndon is with you, he'll show his support in his own way.
  • Zoltun Kulle returns for Adventure Mode as an Artisan. And the first thing he tells you is that you did a sloppy job on killing him in the main story.
    • Every time Kanai's Cube is used, Kulle mocks the player for doing something obviously stupid.
      Kulle: Small minds, small goals. I won't judge. Hahahaha.
      Kulle: You're imaginative, aren't you?
      Kulle: You have access to a wondrous artifact of old, and that's what you want to do with it? Very well...
      Kulle: Not what I would do, but when has that stopped you?
    • Kulle's various journals play up his pride, with him noting that people who think his current undead state isn't worth it don't know just how great it is being Zoltun Kulle. He does lament the Nephalem turning him down; if they'd worked together, they could be riding the angels and demons around like horses.
  • Killing Adria was awesome, yes, finally Leah has been avenged. However, if you look at the journal afterwards, you notice that the player felt refreshed in doing so after having to deal with unhelpful and homicidal Angels. Which means, killing Adria has been merely a stress-relief all along in the face of facing Malthael.
  • When Lorath reminds the Crusader that they need Adria alive long enough to learn Malthael's location, their response is so exasperated in tone that they might as well have said, "Alright, MOM!"
    • Similarly, the female Demon Hunter says "Fine!" like a spoiled child who's just been denied dessert.
  • Getting to Whimsyshire is a surreal, hilarious experience on its own. What's more, its environment can pop up as a randomly-chosen Rift floor environment, and its unique enemies are possible choices for enemies on a given floor, and the two need not be on the same floor. Apparently, the ancient nephalem's training grounds include rainbow children's fantasy worlds and killer teddy bears!
    • Even better, you'll have a very rare chance of getting a cow-themed Rift! Which apparently means at some point in history, the nephalem people faced or had some nasty nightmares of murderous bovines.
  • In the Desolate Sands, one of the areas you can access through the Ancient Devices is the Fowl Lair. Yeah that's right, Fowl. It contains a flock of chickens, a harmless pig as an Elite monster, and nothing else.
  • The Necromancer doesn't have much of a sense of humor, which makes several of his conversations quite hilarious:
    Necromancer: What sort of jewel is this?
    Covetous Shen: Oh, it's nothing special. It merely changes form to evade pursuers, and drives its owners mad!
    Covetous Shen: [distracted laughter]

    Myriam: I must say, I'm quite fond of this new family I find myself in. But you could be a bit more open about your love for us, you know.
    Necromancer: [in a tone that clearly says, "are you frigging serious?"] Love?
    • Their reaction to learning Malthael has begun experimenting with death comes off as exasperated more than anything.
  • The Necromancer's journal entries also have some rather blase comments.
    • If resurrecting Kulle fails, the head can always be turned into a phylactery.
    • Adding some angelic souls to the Black Soulstone might help stabilize it... but Tyrael would probably object.
    • Imperius was pretty good at shouting, but it didn't really help much with Diablo.