Funny / Agents Of SHIELD Season Two

Funny Moments from Season Two of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

For funny moments from other seasons, go to the appropriate page.

• Season One
• Season Two
• Season Three
• Season Four
• Season Five
• Season Six
• Season Seven

Season Two

Shadows

• This exchange between Jim and Dum Dum while raiding the HYDRA camp.
  Jim: Nice and calm, no sudden moves, or we'll tie a blasting cap to your... hey, Dugan, what's the German word for nuts?
  Dum Dum Dugan: I dunno, Jim. [cocks shotgun] But tie a blasting cap to 'em, I bet we'll hear it.
• Lance warns Idaho not to look Coulson directly in the eye.
  Idaho: [nervous] Really?
  [Beat]
  Lance: Nah, he's not so bad.
• Brigadier General Talbot getting ushered away to safety...only to find out he just got snatched by S.H.I.E.L.D.
  May: [aims an ICER pistol at him] Hi again.
  Talbot: Son of a bitch...
• Coulson's impersonation of Talbot. And Koenig telling him to "Go bigger!" before trying to reel Coulson back in when he goes too far.
  Coulson: [as Talbot] I want General Jones and his friends sent directly to the Ordinance Depot to meet me—
  Koenig: [whispers] Go bigger, go bigger!
  Coulson: ...or I'll have you so deep in horse manure, son, you'll need a damn snorkel!

Heavy Is the Head

• Coulson reveals the stolen Quinjet and the cloakable Bus to Talbot and his men as a show of power.
  Coulson: And this is just the tip of the iceberg. [into his communicator, aside from Talbot] Let's go before the iceberg runs out of fuel.
  • In the same scene, when Talbot inquires about Lance's whereabouts, Coulson casually admits he's watching Cake Boss.
• Skye raving about Creel's Power Perversion Potential after Trip jokingly asks if he gets lonely.
  Skye: Probably not. He is jacked, and can turn any body part into any substance he wants.
  Coulson: [frowning] Okay. Thank you for that.
  • Also, the "Ohh yeah" look on Skye's face when she says it.
• Despite her every scene being lightly tinged with Nightmare Fuel, the hallucination of Simmons gets some pretty funny moments in general:
  • Even in Fitz's hallucination she's attracted to well-built black men. Becomes extra funny when you realise that that means Fitz just checked out Mack, on her behalf.
  • When Fitz is reluctant to hand his research over to Mack, the scene cuts to Fitz's POV with Simmons smiling encouragingly and moving his arm for him.
  • Her unusually sarcastic delivery of some lines when Fitz's hallucination is slipping can also be pretty funny:
    Mack: [to Fitz] Who are you talking to?
    Simmons [annoyed, standing directly between them] Um, me!
• Coulson has tried Yoga, he's not flexible enough for it. But thanks.
• Mack's response to Fitz's bout of Tantrum Throwing while they're yelling at each other is to snarl at the three young lab techs, who've been not only silent but completely still for the entire scene:
  Mack: Beat it! You pissed him off!
  • And they do.
• Raina split with HYDRA because world domination is so 1945.
• When Trip is about to get tranquilized by Lance
  Trip: Aw, hell no.
• Coulson mentions that shooting May was a bad idea.
  Lance: She the type that holds a grudge?
  Coulson: Savors it, actually.
• Coulson mentioning that the crippled S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't have a fleet of helicarriers or thousands of agents anymore, and considers them lucky that they still have their George Foreman grill.
• Fitz is talking with Mack, trying to explain some Techno Babble and starts patting him on the shoulder, expecting him to finish the sentence. Mack is shaking his head, clearly not understanding what Fitz is on about even though he modified the device himself.
  Mack: Hey, you know how some guys can play a tune by ear? Well I need sheet music.

Making Friends and Influencing People

• As Simmons heads to work, the incredibly cheerful "God Help The Girl" plays in the background, making the ensuing montage of her walking to work and cheerfully greeting the doorman seem like something out of That Girl. And absolutely nothing seems out of the ordinary until she gets in the elevator and we see the HYDRA logo in the background.
• Lance apologizes to May for shooting her. For the 470th time. May's response?
  May: Don't be sorry. Just wait.
• May telling Lance that they're even after she got to shoot him back, while still making it clear that he can expect a shot from Trip too.
• Coulson showing up in Simmons' apartment, implying that he just learned she's a HYDRA agent. Things look utterly, deadly serious.
  Coulson: Did you think I wouldn't find out? [opens her fridge] Sriracha? Beer? That's all? What kind of diet is that?
  • Immediately afterwards, he rummages through a brown paper bag to reveal that he's bought her groceries.
• In the middle of the S.H.I.E.L.D./HYDRA firefight in the cargo freighter, the scene cuts away to Mack playing Gears of War on Koenig's Xbox 360.
• When Lance says May shot him, Trip says something along the lines of "Damn, I wanted to be the one."

Face My Enemy

• Alphonso, acting as the driver for Coulson and May's op, showing off his Rolls Royce. Coulson knows what he's getting at.
  Coulson: You're still not touching Lola.
• The team has seen some truly crazy things in their work. But nothing seems to weird them out more than chatty, laughing May.
  Skye: She just said more words than I've heard her say in a year.
  Fitz: That's very alarming.
  • And she does it so little that she complains her face hurts after a particularly hearty laugh.
    May: [while smiling] My face hurts.
  • Skye's reaction to learning that May is laughing is to startle like she's been slapped. She asks "Is everything okay?" as if the world had been turned upside down because May was laughing.
  • Tripp looks at Skye, as if seeking confirmation that he just heard what Coulson said correctly.
  • Hunter and Mack wordlessly exchange horrified look as if thinking "What the fuck just happened?" as they listen to May's laughter.
  • Coulson's tone while explaining to the team that May was laughing sounds like "You guys have no idea."
  • In fact, any scene with May in her persona is this, just for the sheer strangeness.
• Coulson getting ready to tip-toe through a Laser Hallway, only for May to roll her eyes and walk right through, setting off the alarm.
  May: They already know we're here.
• Talbot begins ominously walking towards May and Coulson. When May asks what's going on, Coulson theorizes that Talbot is pissed off at them for kidnapping him that time. Clark Gregg's delivery, like he's genuinely confused that someone could be holding a grudge over something so minor, nails it.
• The rest of the team's visible irritation over Hunter and Skye's flirting.
• Mack saying with utter seriousness that having to pretend to like quinoa for one of his girlfriends was "a pretty dark time in my life."
• When May is flirting with Soto at the party, Soto’s bodyguard gives a hearty eye roll.
• Lance claims he had an Interspecies Romance because his ex is a "demonic hellbeast".
  • Even more Hilarious in Hindsight considering the "hellbeast" turns out to be Agent Bobbi "Mockingbird" Morse, who recommended him for his current job in the first place and is now his teammate!
  • Also, Skye's response is "Hey, at least you got away from your ex. The guy I had a crush on is now the psycho living in our basement."
• Fitz's hallucination of Simmons gets annoyed at Fitz for refusing to talk to her. He responds in an irritated whisper that that's because it's embarrassing.
• The look on Bakshi's face when May gets loose and charges at him is hilarious.
• Fitz and Hunter briefly partnering up to repair the plane has some hilarious dialogue, starting with Hunter's realization that Fitz chose him to work with because, of the five team members trapped on the plane, he was the only one with no useful skills in an engineering crisis other than that his hands work.
  • Most of their dialogue can be summed up by Fitz shouting "Oh dear God don't touch that!" and Hunter following every small step of the procedure by asking in a hopeful tone whether the plane's repaired now.
• When Fitz is struggling to come up with the word "explode", Mack is about to chip in when the Bus helpfully provides a demonstration, right on cue. This repeats a couple of times as more systems shut down.
  Fitz: Next it's going to... yeah, that.
• Coulson's reaction to the May vs. Fake May fight.
  "I can't believe I'm the only one seeing this right now."
• May asks how Coulson knew it was a fake May he was talking to.
  Coulson: Little things. And she wanted to get coffee.
  May: Ah. [looking hopeful] Punch her in the face?
  Coulson: I did.
  May: Good.

A Hen In the Wolf House

• Hallucination!Simmons continues to scope out Mack, only this time Fitz acknowledges that he's actually the one doing it, since he knows she's not real.
• Lance's reaction to Bobbi Morse showing up, roughly a complete 180 from his regular personality. Even May is laughing in the background. With the added hilarious fact of her being the ex he's always badmouthing.
  Trip: What's the deal there?
  May: Hunter ever tell you stories about his she-devil ex-wife?
  Trip: All the time.
  [May gestures at Bobbi]
  Trip: ...Dayum.
  • Coulson telling Lance to "play nice" with Bobbi. He sounds just like a father chiding his kid.
    • It also makes the Interspecies Romance line from "I Will Face My Enemy" more hilarious, considering Bobbi is better known as Mockingbird.
  • He's especially outraged that Bobbi is the one who recommended him for the job, shouting "Why would you do that?" as if it's not a huge compliment to his skills.
• Lance has been drinking to get in character for undercover work. Skye is reminded of Ron Burgundy.
• Skye's totally justified but nonetheless comically delivered Big "WHAT?!" when Coulson tells her she might be an alien.
  Coulson: It's a theory.
  • To which Skye then replies that a "theory" is a scientific explanation of how the world works, not an unsupported guess. Which is a "hypothesis", as many online flame war bloggers would be happy to remind you.
• Bobbi's utter casualness in saying Simmons being exposed to all of HYDRA is a "curveball."
  • In the immediately preceding scene, Simmons' sheer "WTF?" look after the woman who scared the daylights out of her beats up HYDRA guards.
• Fitz has finally accepted that Simmons Has a Type, and based on her rather obvious attraction to Mike and Trip, assumes that she'll have a thing for Mack. Her first Ship Tease of Season 2 is with... Bobbi Morse.
  • Basically, it's looking increasingly like Simmons' type is less specific than it seemed, and more "anyone Fitz can never hope to be like." You have to feel sorry for the guy.
• The Doctor reflexively killing two armed and armored HYDRA guards in seconds with nothing more than a scalpel and a metal box? Awesome and terrifying. Then darkly hilarious a second later when he gets an embarrassed look on his face that says "Crap, I've got to stop doing that" and mutters "Uh, sorry," in a tone that a normal person might use for having knocked over a drink. Plus wiping the faceprint of one of the dead mooks off Whitehall's desk with his sleeve.

A Fractured House

• Talbot says "aliens" at the beginning in the exact same way as a certain memetic individual.
• Coulson made some changes to Christian Ward's speech. It's funnier now.
• In the beginning of the episode, while Coulson is explaining the situation about the fake S.H.I.E.L.D. attack on the U.N. to Skye and Triplett, he reaches for an item on top of some plates in a cupboard, which turns out to be a Grumpy Cat cup.
  Coulson: Somebody bring this from home?
• When Bobbi confronts Hunter about his Psycho-Ex stories, he insists that he didn't badmouth her to the rest of Team Coulson and he certainly didn't call her a "hellbeast". It doesn't even sound like something he'd say!
• Hunter and May monitoring Bobbi while she's on mission. And May getting stuck listening to Hunter gripe.
  Hunter: You think I'm being petty, don't you? Well, I'm not. I have no problem with Bobbi kissing that guy.
  May: Good. 'Cause you had a hickey on your neck for a week after our mission in Miami.
  Hunter: Excuse me for doing my job thoroughly.
  Beat
  Hunter: And with style.
  • Hunter goes in to rescue Bobbi after her cover is blown and provokes an argument with her. Then they simultaneously shoot Toshiro — mid-argument — as he's trying to get up from the initial fight.
• Everyone has to make sure HYDRA's False Flag Operation wasn't actually them.
  • Except Hunter, who's just there to ask if Coulson's serious about putting him on a mission with Bobbi.
• Fitz spends several episodes convinced that Simmons will have a crush on Mack (having finally worked out her type), but when they actually meet, they quickly make it clear they don't like each other.
• In preparation to go undercover, Lance says the following about Bobbi:
  Lance: She can handle it; deception's her forte.

  When everyone goes quiet, Lance stammers out that he was being complimentary, since being good at deception is a desirable trait for a spy — it was an assessment of her skills, not a passive-aggressive snark.

The Writing On The Wall

• Hank Thompson declining to return to his old life as an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.... but saying that Coulson can call on him any time he needs a welder.
• It's darkly funny (and turns deadly serious real quick), but when Skye says that Coulson using the brainwave machine to recover his memories is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas, Coulson counters that using alien blood to bring back the dead blows everything else out of the water.
• Skye nonchalantly answering Bakshi's confiscated phone with "Hail HYDRA." For that matter, Ward nonchalantly addressing her and getting the jump on her was darkly funny too, but that may be due to Mood Whiplash.
• When asked serious questions about the alien writing, Coulson replies "I don't know," three times in the same deadpan tone.
• Hunter claims Bobbi got noticed by Ward because she's not subtle.
  Bobbi: Me? You were dressed like a cowboy!
  • Hunter's exaggerated southern accent in the cowboy disguise.
• How did Fitz and Mack get a body for autopsy? "Just walk out like you own it."
  • Fitz's response is a joke in mangled Latin. You can almost feel Simmons' eyeroll.
  Fitz: Corpsey diem. Seize the dead.
• Although it's a reminder of the changed nature of Fitz and Simmons' current relationship, which can be a bummer, it's also kind of funny that Simmons and Mack frequently snap at each other because of their feelings about the other's relationship with Fitz, which is strongly reminiscent of how Fitz and Tripp reacted to their Love Triangle over Simmons in Season 1.
• The bar Ward goes to is named "The Goldbrix Tavern." Goldbrix (goldbrick) is an old military term for a slacker.

The Things We Bury

• Coulson, Skye and Trip discussing the plan with the watch:
  Skye: What is it?
  Coulson: It's a watch. [Skye gives him a look] Deliver it to Cam, the owner of the Kahana Nui repair shop.
  Skye: Got it. Anything else?
  Coulson: If it starts to leak any fluids, drop it, run.
  Skye: This does not sound like a watch.
  • ...and the button.
    Coulson: Take this to the Ka Pua dry-cleaner on Makaimoimo street.
    Trip: Maka-what now?
    Coulson: Not the one on Hookelewaa!
    Trip: Am I okay with this in my pocket?
    Coulson: Depends. You ever want kids? [Trip quickly removes the button from his pocket]
  • Along with the utterly mundane reason he needed Trip to pick up the tie — it was a gift from Audrey, he spilled something on it, and he wants it back now that it's clean.
• Coulson asks the Doctor if the Diviner is as powerful as the Tesseract. The Doctor immediately answers yes... then admits he doesn't actually know what the Tesseract is.
  • In that same conversation:
    The Doctor: Whitehall just thinks it's a weapon. He has no idea what's inside.
    [cue shocked look from Coulson]
    The Doctor: Oh, right: There's something inside.
• Morse and Hunter finally have a confrontation about the reasons for their marriage falling apart and why they are completely unable to have a trusting relationship. An argument which ends with the two of them stripping and diving into the back seat of an SUV.
• This comment on Fury's chessmaster skills:
  Coulson: He could always see five steps ahead... which for a man with one eye is impressive.
• Though the entire scene is serious, Ward, while confronting his brother, blames himself for letting his family tear him down. His brother's response is pretty funny:
  Christian: Spare me the non-apology. I'm a senator.
• It's more awesome than funny, but Fitz's determination to beat the task Coulson's given him using only his bad hand results in some funny moments, like when Skye comforts him that he could assemble the transceiver in his sleep, and he replies that he could do it in his sleep, very well — the problem is, he's awake.
  • When Fitz reveals his failure to trim the procedure down to under the required six minutes.
  Coulson: Fitz, how you coming with the transceiver patch?
  Fitz: I've got it down to 7 minutes, 20 seconds.
  Coulson: (Stricken) That's not good enough.
  Fitz: (Beat) No, that's with my bad hand. With both, I can do it, definitely.

Ye Who Enter Here

• Both Sam and Billy refer to each other as the short brother.
• The Hypocritical Humour from the Koenigs talking about how weird it would be to have somebody looking just like them walking around.
• Billy and Sam trolling Trip (and the audience) by simultaneously saying there's thirteen of them. Trip awkwardly laughs, clearly aware of the fact that he still doesn't know how many of them there really are.
• Even Raina is creeped out by the Koenig twins. And so is Ward. As he comes onto the bus, he can see one Koenig in front of him, pointing a gun. Then the one behind him makes an angry remark about Ward killing their brother, and Ward looks back in confusion during an otherwise tense standoff.
  Ward: How many of you are there?
• After everyone else on the team is quite disturbed by Agent 33 now looking like May, May herself just seems annoyed by it.
• In an otherwise Tear Jerker scenario, Fitz-Simmons deal with the aftermath of their conversation on the plane by being overly polite to one another, each absolutely insisting that the other speak first. Coulson eventually snaps at them "Somebody start talking!"
• Simmons self-censoring when telling Skye that the situation with her father is messed up... then explaining at length that she didn't want to use cruder language so as to not hurt Skye's feelings at a difficult time, making sure that Skye (and the audience) couldn't possibly miss what it was she'd initially wanted to say.
• When Simmons insists that she and Fitz were never a thing and that she'd never thought about it, Bobbi tells her that if it were an interrogation, she's giving off at least nine visual cues that would put her away. Maybe ten.

What They Become

• One of the Koenigs explaining his brother's absence in terms that would imply he's an android.
  Tripp: Where's your brother been hiding?
  Koenig: All the excitement fried his circuits. His cooling system kicked in and he's recharging his batteries.
  [beat]
  Tripp: I know what you're doing.
• Bobbi shutting Hunter up at a sensitive moment by kissing him and still filching the address paper from her contact in Puerto Rico who's being followed by HYDRA agents.
• Hunter's response to Bobbi hiding a flash drive in her pocket as "something not involving us".
• Skye's father gets surprisingly Adorkable at times when they finally meet. He wanted to be prepared with almond cookies and flowers.
• Ward's response to Skye's father saying what he's going to do to Whitehall isn't something he wants her to see.
  Ward: I don't mind. Seeing. Hell, I'm happy to help.
• Coulson's response to Skye's father after the former kills Whitehall before the latter gets his chance to exact his revenge.
  Cal: What did you do!?
  Coulson: ...You're welcome?
• Hunter's Casual Danger Dialogue.
  Hunter: Join S.H.I.E.L.D, travel to exotic locales, meet interesting people. *Beat* And kill them. *shoots HYDRA goon out a window*.
  • Becomes doubly funny when you realize its a reference to Wade Wilson in X-Men Origins: Wolverine- which was, in itself, referenced later by the Deadpool movie!
• The look of complete shock on Ward's face after Skye shoots him in the back and leaves him wounded on the floor. Skye throwing a quip that he taught her Never turn your back on your enemy makes it even more darkly hilarious.
• Fitz assures Trip and Simmons that he can find his way around the city since he has a map... then immediately has to turn around because he went the wrong way.
• Ward mocks Agent 33: "I'm happy to comply."
• Coulson and May storming a building full of HYDRA agents by themselves.
  Coulson: You know what we could use here?
  May: Another fifty men?
  Coulson: I was going to say a dozen, but I like your idea better.

Aftershocks

• Cal's disingenuous attempt to soften the blow of Raina's thorn-covered Inhuman form: "You always did love flowers."
• Cal's cheerful dancing when he learns that Skye/Daisy went through Terrigenesis and that he might have the opportunity to guide her through the change.
• Coulson's Large Ham performance as he and May fake their deaths.
  May: "You'll never take us alive?" Really?
  Coulson: Hey, give me a break, I only had a day to come up with this. If I had let you write the script, no one would have said anything.
• The scanner built out of an action figure of Coulson riding Lola.
• Hunter and Bobbi, as per usual.

  Hunter: *In American Accent* Your company is most welcome.

  Bobbi: Drop the accent, it makes you sound like a douchebag.

  Hunter: Now you know how I feel living in this country.

Who You Really Are

• A nice exchange between Skye and May during training.
  Skye: I don't want to hurt you.
  May: [WTF seriously? look]
  Skye: I don't want to try to hurt you.
• When Coulson and May show up to pick up Sif.
  Coulson: How'd you subdue her?
  Guard: I didn't. I told her I'd found Kava and he was on his way.
  Coulson: But I'm not Kava.
  Guard: I'm glad I'm not the one who has to tell her that. [smile]
• Amnesiac Sif is good for a laugh, and not for the reasons you'd think.
  • When Thor's name is mentioned, she giggles.
    Sif: I do not know this word, yet when you say it, I want to smile. Why?
    Coulson: [smiling] Who can explain the mysteries of the Asgardian brain?
    May: [also smiling] I can.
  • Sif's memories have been scrubbed of everything but basic childhood knowledge. Turns out that covers a lot.
    Sif: There are only seven known species in the Realms that breathe nitrogen. None of them humanoid.
    [Coulson and May stare at her]
    Sif: [shuffles awkwardly] I learned this as a child. Did you... not? [Coulson's phone rings, letting him avoid answering]
  • Or when they discover that the alien is Kree.
    Sif: This explains much. I thought "Kava" was a name. It is a Kree word; it means "key."
    Coulson: You learned alien languages as a child?
  • And then she assumes Coulson doesn't know what keys are when he's surprised at the word, complete with eye roll.
• One quick one while they're at the crime scene.
  Hunter: I can't see any blood. Fitz, isn't there some special light that finds blood?
  Fitz: ...Not blood.
• A few moments later, Hunter spots something on a streetlight, nudges the streetlight's pole, and it breaks in half and falls over.
  Hunter: I barely touched it, I swear!
  Mack: Trust me, there is no universe in which I believe you did that on your own.
• Coulson tries to jog Sif's memory by introducing himself as "Son of Coul."
• After an eldery man calls Sif a dangerous monster:
  Sif: I am no monster. I am sometimes dangerous, but only toward those who are deserving. [aside, to Coulson] I do not actually know, is it only toward those who are—?
  Coulson: No, that was right.
  Sif: Excellent.
• When Vin-Tak asks how they tracked him:
  Sif: [bangs table] You do not ask the questions, Kree. You do not talk.
  Coulson: ...Actually, we need him to talk.
• After Sif's memories have been restored and she leaves, we have this gem from May:
  May: Not a lot of laughs, that one. And when I say that about someone...

One of Us

• Karla shutting the door in Cal's face in the middle of his spiel to join his group. And when she thinks it over and opens it again, he's not fazed at all.
• Skye is not happy about having to undergo a psychiatric examination.
  May: Andrew is good. And he's done this before.
  Skye: So have I. I grew up in the system. I've been through enough of these to know that I hate them.
  May: You'll like this one.
  Skye: Yeah, how do you know that?
  May: Because I was married to him. [Gilligan Cut]
  Skye: [excited] Tell me about the wedding. I'm thinking May could go either way — understated or full Bridezilla. She can be a control freak.
  Andrew: I'm not here to discuss my ex.
  Skye: Did you guys have actual conversations? You know, like, pillow talk? Or was it just pillow stern looks?
• Fitz drinking coffee out of the same Grumpy Cat mug from the Fractured House episode.
• Fitz' confused look when he walks in on May and her ex casually chatting in the kitchen. He hastily backtracks.
• Cal is clearly having a blast going all Evil Is Hammy.
• Cal sounds like an excited fanboy while asking Skye about her powers.
  Cal: So what's your thing? 'Cause I was hoping for wings.
  • Which means that he was hoping that she'd literally become 'Daddy's Little Angel'.
• Mack has Hunter cuffed to a sink in a bathroom in a hotel somewhere. Hunter then decides to take back every time he wished Bobbi good luck and wishes for her to burn and rot in hell.
  • Bobbi's suggestion: "Get him a beer or something."
• As Cal and his team of superhumans are eating at a dinner, Angar has a plastic straw stuck through the small mouth opening of his mask, through which he very contentedly sips his drink as the others talk.
  • His enthusiastic nodding along with Cal because he can't talk is also pretty funny.
• "Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna welcome you to this historic match-up between the S.H.I.E.L.D. Eagles and us rivals and underdogs, the... Slicing... Talons?"

Love in the Time of HYDRA

• We get to see Talbot in his downtime, singing the praises of riding mowers to his disinterested aide. Then there's her look of relief when the phone rings.
• Talbot attempts Bluff the Imposter and one of the trick questions is asking one of his lieutenants when was the last time he got her name right. The correct answer is "never". Another one is aggressively shaking a woman's cheek, trying to pull off the nano mask he thinks the poor woman is wearing. Her poker face throughout the whole thing is what sells it.
• The look on Talbot's face when he realizes it really is his wife he'd just drawn down on and treated like a threat. He later tells Coulson that he'll have to buy a whole bunch of Edible Arrangements to apologize.
• Agent 33's attempt to copy the face of the doctor who repairs her mask results in his hair and beard on May's face, which he says reminds him of his Berkeley days.
• Agent 33 saying to Ward "You're so well-adjusted." Followed by Ward's Exact Words about how he dealt with his abusive family.
• Hunter referring to the leadership of other-S.H.I.E.L.D. as "Hufflepuff House".
• Skye complaining about ending up on "the DL".
  Fitz: The down-low?
  Skye: The disabled list.
  Fitz: Oh. That makes more sense.
• Skye explaining how she knows an Old Yeller reference.
  Skye: I've had a lot of free time. And Fitz really wants a dog.
  Coulson: I thought he wanted a monkey.
• Hunter's Felony Misdemeanor complaints that Coulson chews with his mouth open and hogs the mic on karaoke night. Implying that Coulson's S.H.I.E.L.D. has a karaoke night^note which is both also hilarious and proves Coulson's S.H.I.E.L.D. is better..
  • Just imagine Coulson singing karaoke. That's pretty darn hilarious.
• Simmons helpfully pointing out that while Skye's powers might put her on the same level as an Avenger, given the circumstances, she's mostly comparable to the Hulk. Naturally, this really doesn't help comfort Skye at all.
• Bakshi tries to use the Trigger Phrase on Agent 33, only for her to belt him in the face halfway through.
  Bakshi: Take a deep breath and clear your mind. Compliance will— *PUNCH*

One Door Closes

• The conversation between Coulson and the bartender:
  Coulson: That's a lot of umbrellas for one drink.
  Bartender: Let me guess, she got the house.
  • The real funny part is that the bartender isn't that far off the mark.
• Hunter asking not only for two of whatever Coulson was drinking, but for paper umbrellas as well.
• When Skye hears a strange noise in the cabin, she investigates and complains about Fitz making her watch Paranormal Activity.
• Skye realizes there is something fishy about one of the cabin's walls. What does she find when she gets the paneling off? A fist-print from the Hulk.
• In a flashback to the day S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, we get this exchange when Bobbi, Mack, and Hartley find a wounded Gonzales:
  Hartley: It's okay, we're not HYDRA.
  Gonzales: Heard that one before.
  • Later, when they're setting his damaged leg, Mack distracts him by telling a story about a time he broke his hand as a kid without realizing it.
    Gonzales: Are you getting somewhere close to a point?
• Gordon is very calm and blunt.
  Gordon: This couch is very uncomfortable.
  • Gordon has a knack for very dry humor that falls flat:
    Gordon: Please don't stare.
    [Skye stammers awkwardly]
    Gordon: That was a joke. Sorry. I'm not very good at them.
• While watching a news report on the day S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, one HYDRA agent grumbles "Always with the Nazi stuff." Apparently HYDRA's Nazi origins is something they're embarrassed about.

Afterlife

• Coulson's trying to buy an old SUV and Hunter drives up in one he simply stole from the same used car dealership.
  • The car salesman assumes Coulson is looking for a Mid Life Crisis Car.
• The "real S.H.I.E.L.D." agents burst into the cabin, only to find Coulson and Hunter playing cards. Coulson turns around and shushes them. Turns out it's just a hologram. After the agents are downed by the real Coulson and Hunter, Hunter says he can't believe it worked.
  Coulson: We had the better hand.
• Coulson admits he didn't reveal Mike Peterson was the backup because he wanted to see the look on Hunter's face when the latter saw they were being rescued by a superpowered cyborg.
  • Mike telling the two of them that he heard all of that conversation.
• Lincoln revealing that Gordon uses his teleportation powers to get deep dish pizza from Chicago.
• Lincoln's attempt to use cooking microwave popcorn as a metaphor to explain Skye's transformation to her, only to realize he's not doing a very good job.
  Lincoln: A little help here, Gordo?
  Gordon: You're on your own for this one.
  • And then, a few moments later:
    Gordon: Don't worry, he's smarter than he looks.
    Lincoln: How would you know?
• Cal briefly gets the better of Gordon, but then he teleports again, leaving Cal to punch the floor with his already injured hand.
  • Also, this bit of Ham-to-Ham Combat between the two after Cal demands to see Skye (which is also one of the few times we ever see Gordon lose his cool):
    Gordon: You! Will! Not!
    Cal: [wordless cry of rage]
• Hunter watching security video of Skye getting whisked away in a flash of light:
  Hunter: ...Did she just get abducted by aliens?
  • Followed by Coulson explaining they're dealing with a mysterious new player who can teleport at will, and also grabbed Raina and Skye's father.
    Hunter: I was only gone for a week!
• Hunter assumes that Coulson's backup is coming in a clown car.

Melinda

• The story of Skye's birth. Jiaying apparently decided to clean the house first, and Cal had to negotiate for the use of the village's single car without being able to speak Chinese.
• Skye mentions that she doesn't like broken glass because it reminds her of the time she broke a crystal decanter in a foster home. When Jianying, horrified, asks if they sent her back to the orphanage just for that, Skye sheepishly admits that she also tried some of the scotch in it.
• In the flashback, immediately after Coulson sends May in, the local army rolls up, and Coulson mutters to himself "Nuclear? Or biological? Biological always works."
  Coulson: You can't go in there! There's been a biological weapons release! Bad, flesh-eating stuff. Deal went bad with the Russians.
  [beat]
  Commander: Did you say biological?
  Coulson: [smiles] Yes, I did.
• Up until this episode, Skye has believed herself to be 25. Then Cal says that she was born in 1988, and Skye realizes that she's actually 26. She sounds momentarily upset about that.
• In The Stinger:
  • Amid some very pressing concerns about him being tailed by "real" S.H.I.E.L.D. after leaving the Playground with the toolbox, Fitz's cheery enquiry of "Do you mind if I come and hang out with you anyway?" to Coulson and Hunter is both funny and oddly heartwarming.
  • We see Fitz open the Toolbox, immediately contact Coulson and Hunter and ask how to shake a tail. Hunter's response?
    Hunter: Are you in a bathroom? With one of those electric hand dryers?
    Fitz: Uh... yes!
    Hunter: Then you're going to be okay, mate.
  • Also, when first contacting Coulson and Hunter, Fitz asks where they are. Hunter, confused about how Fitz managed to contact them, says "Undisclosed secure location?" in a way that indicates he's no longer convinced it's secure.

The Frenemy of My Enemy

• The "real" S.H.I.E.L.D. agent smacking into the invisible Quinjet.
• The priceless look on Ward's face when Coulson calls him on Agent 33's cell phone and doesn't even try to imitate her voice.
  Coulson: Hey, sweetie. Why don't you drop by? I'd love to catch up.
• Cal has been calling Gordon "Gordo" in an obvious attempt to irritate him. It works.
• Cal intends to take Skye to a pastry shop. It's been turned into a currency exchange.
  Cal: You know what doesn't have the smell of buttery goodness wafting out of it on your way to work?
• Cal's expression when Skye suggests that they get malt liquor instead of ice cream.
• Bakshi's reappearance has several little funny moments. He has this manic grin when he talks that's quite the contrast with his previous calm sinisterness.
• When Skye is on the feed, 33 asks Ward if this is the woman who shot him three times. His only response? "Four."
• Bobbi and Mack share a very confused expression when they encounter Coulson, who nonchalantly criticizes HYDRA's inability to properly clean up the scene of the firefight and then tells them to take him to their leader.

The Dirty Half-Dozen

• Fitz and Lance decide that Kara and Ward's flirting is more annoying than Lance's bullet wound.
  Lance: I think they might actually... like each other.
  Fitz: ...Just focus on your wound. It'll be less disturbing.
• Fitz bragging to Simmons about how he nearly tackled Ward and how Lance had to hold him back. Just dorkily trying to make a big deal about it without looking like he's making a big deal about it.
• In a dark way, Simmons cheerily suggesting that Fitz hit Ward with one of the Diviner-derived splinter bombs. He thinks she's joking. Then she pulls out a whole case full...
• Skye, upon learning of Raina's power: "I thought her gift was spinning really fast to collect gold rings."
• Ward trailing off during his briefing when he notices everyone shooting him Death Glares. He tries to patch things up, saying everyone makes mistakes, only for everyone to point out that they were all his mistakes. He says people were hurt, and they point out that he did the hurting. Finally, he says that above all else, he's sorry that he destroyed the family dynamic of the Bus, ending it on a Hope Spot... almost.
  Skye: I'm still happy I shot you.
  Fitz: Me too.
  Simmons: You should have aimed for the face.
  May: Yeah.
• And of course, the end of the briefing.
  Coulson: Ward, just...don't talk. To people.
• Jiaying and Cal have a couple cute moments, with her correctly deducing that he was pacing, and him realizing that the reason for her somewhat cruel decision was because she got "butterflies in the stomach, except in the heart," which is apparently what happens when she's anxious. And when she asks him about Raina, he cheerily describes her as "Manipulative, deceptive, dangerous. We had good times." With a dorky smile on his face.
• The team finds Mike in a cell, his cybernetic eye and leg removed.
  Mike: It's not as bad as it looks.
  Simmons: [skeptically] Really?
  Mike: [clearly in pain] No, it's pretty bad.
• The completely nonchalant way Coulson reveals Fury will be coming for the Toolbox, and then shows Bobbi and Gonzales his phone to reveal that he's getting a call from Maria Hill. Even Bobbi thinks it's a little funny, while Gonzales is left fuming.
  Coulson: Oops, spoiler alert.
• Coulson doesn't handle the shaking of the plane plummeting very well.
  Coulson: I'm starting to wish I hadn't eaten that Hot Pocket earlier.

Scars

• In the intro, Sam Koenig complains to Billy Koenig about being spawn-camped in Call of Duty: Black Ops, something that was a frequent complaint in the sequel.
• The "Koenig brothers are robots" joke continues here. There's a robot-themed song and socks in Sam's room.
• According to Sam's post-it notes, there is a Koenig sister.
• Coulson's pitch explaining why he and Gonzales' faction should lead S.H.I.E.L.D. together:
  Coulson: This way we'll have a cool underground base and a boat.
• During the briefing about the Kree artifact in the Iliad, Hunter is doodling on a mugshot of Raina, adding spikes and fangs to it.
• Jiaying brings up how Raina convinced Skye with her visions to return to S.H.I.E.L.D. and expresses worry about what might happen to her. Cal tries to reassure Jiaying, but promises to kill Raina if anything happened to Skye... while taking his anger out on a table, splitting it in half.
  Cal: ...That looked old. Was that old? I'm sorry.
• What's Coulson doing while Gonzales goes to the meeting? He's hanging out in his office with Lance and Fitz, who are cheerily telling him how his plan is a horrible idea. While Lance props his feet on the desk and Fitz plays with one of Coulson's toys.
  Coulson: I think maybe we've been spending too much time together.
• When Jiaying gives up Cal to S.H.I.E.L.D.
  Jiaying: I believe he killed a number of your agents—
  Cal: No! Not S.H.I.E.L.D. agents! At least— [thinks about it] No, they were just people! People who had it coming.

S.O.S.

• During an otherwise tense conversation, Cal gets mad at Coulson for calling Skye "Daisy", which immediately confuses Coulson since he always took issue with calling her "Skye".
  Coulson: If you hurt anyone here, Daisy will never forgive you.
  Cal: Stop calling her that!
  Coulson: I'm sorry, I thought th—never mind.
• Coulson and Simmons' entire exchange about Cal's condition:
  Coulson: Tell me you've figured out what drugs Cal took, because my gut's saying everything ever made.
  • Simmons isn't nearly done analyzing it, but she's already identified anabolic-androgenic steroids, a liver enzyme blocker, various metabolic enhancers, methamphetamines, gorilla testosterone, and peppermint.
• Mack's reaction when coming across an self-replicating Inhuman invading the ship is not disbelief but resignation at how weird his life has become.
  Mack: I can't wait to get off this boat.
• Mack, after freeing Skye from imprisonment, had this to say:
  Mack: And I thought my mom was bad when she started watching Fox News.
• After Simmons is done examining Cal, she comments that his physical condition has improved. He cheerily says "Careful, I'm a married man," and she just stares at him blankly.
• Cal apologizes for the damage done to the lab during his rampage, commenting that it all looks "expensive." Coulson merely replies that S.H.I.E.L.D. is "running a tab."
• This exchange when Mack encounters Skye trying to convince Lincoln to do the right thing.
  Skye: We can stop this, please, just tell me where she took the crystals.
  Lincoln: ...The fan room. Where the ship's air ser-
  THWACK
  Mack: Found a saw.
  Skye: I was getting through to him!
  Mack: Right now, I'm in a crack-heads-first, ask-questions-later frame of mind.
• Right after Mack says "I'm the guy who kills Gordon," Gordon teleports behind him and punches him.
• Mack's reaction when Coulson and Fitz show up:
  Mack: What the hell took you so long?
  Coulson: Sorry, it's a big ship and there's poor signage.
• When Gordon discovered that his ability to teleport had been tampered with, limiting him to one small room, he wanted to know how it was possible. Fitz was more than happy to inform him.
  Fitz: Science, biatch.
  • Even better? Iain De Caestecker threw it in on his own.
• In a dark way, when the Terrigen/Diviner crystal is about to fall and Coulson catches it. It looks like he's just made a Heroic Sacrifice and dramatic, sad music plays as the petrification slowly spreads down his arm... then the music cuts out as Mack suddenly brings down his axe on Coulson's arm to chop it off and save him, and Coulson starts screaming in what was probably a combination of pain and surprise. The sudden Mood Whiplash makes for great dark comedy.
• In a dark comedy way, Coulson mentions that the reason Mack is staying on is as apology for cutting off Coulson's hand without permission. Then he says that he's now the one in charge of all the alien artifacts, since he doesn't trust them as far as he can throw them.
  Simmons: We might get a better reading if we dropped a probe down into the glass enclos—
  Mack: We're never opening that thing in a thousand years.
• When Coulson asks about Andrew and May, he cites doctor/patient confidentiality. Coulson quips that it didn't stop them from breaking into his office and drinking all his scotch.
• Fitz pissing off Hunter by finishing his sentences for him. Must have been very cathartic since, for much of the season, Fitz was the one getting this treatment because his brain damage often made him unable to think of the right word to finish his own sentences.
• When Fitz is setting up the quantum field disruptors:
  Mack: What are those things?
  Fitz: Quantum field disruptors. Should contain him here if he comes back.
  Mack: [sarcastic] Yeah, of course. Why didn't I think of that?
  Fitz: [not sarcastic whatsoever] That's okay. You've been busy, and you're not a quantum physicist, it's completely understandable.
• There is something very amusing about the close-up on the fish oil. It is hard to make that look sinister.