Maria Hill: What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward? Agent Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. Maria Hill: And what does that mean to you? Agent Ward: It means somebody really wanted our initials to spell "shield".
Even funnier when you know that S.H.I.E.L.D was founded in honour of Captain America by, among others, Howard Stark and Peggy Carter, meaning Ward's actually hit the nail on the head here. (Though in Iron Man, Coulson claimed they were struggling to come up with a shorter name for the organisation - then again, with hindsight, this isCoulson we're talking about...)
When they reach the subject of The Avengers themselves.
Agent Ward: I don't think Thor is...technically a god. Maria Hill: You haven't seen his arms.
Coulson: Sorry, this corner was really dark, and I couldn't help myself. [beat] I think there's a bulb out.
Coulson, Hill, and Ward discussing Coulson's survival of the events of Avengers
Ward: Director Fury faked your death to motivate the Avengers. Hill: Well, the death of a common ally is a particularly effective team-builder. Coulson: Plus, it wasn't that much of a stretch. I stopped breathing for about forty seconds. Hill: It gets longer every time you tell it. Coulson: Yeah, well, you get shanked by the Asgardian Mussolini, you can tell it your way. I was looking at the big, white light and it felt like a lot longer than eight seconds.
When Coulson goes over Ward's profile that Maria Hill made:
Coulson: Under people skills, I think she drew a little poop. With knives sticking out of it.
Even better, Ward moves closer to have a look at it.
Then later after they are done with Ward.
Hill: It was a porcupine. It was not a poop. Coulson: [beat] Pretty sure...
Coulson poking light fun at Melinda's current position in the SHIELD organization.
Coulson: Making calls, no red tape.... [looks around] This is where they make the red tape, isn't it?
Blink and you'll miss it, but Fitz smacks Ward on the ass after the latter boards the plane.
Fitz smashing Ward's brand new comm unit with a mallet and Simmons cheerfully taking a cheek swab within a minute of Ward's entrance.
Skye sends out a message towards SHIELD attempting to threaten them. As she continues her message, Agent Coulson and several other agents open the door of the van having tracked her down. All a shocked Skye can say is "Hey... What up?"
Ward says Skye is just like one of those cosplay girls that hang outside Stark Tower. She adamantly protests she is not...except for one time...
Ward, when he's injected with the Truth Serum. Coulson makes like he intends to inject Skye, and Ward assumes the same; then Coulson injects Ward and invites Skye to ask him anything she'd like if it'll help her trust S.H.I.E.L.D.
Ward: And yes, it did hurt a little bit, but I was trying to mask my pain in front of beautiful women because I think it makes me seem more masculine - myGod, this stuff works fast.
And after Coulson leaves, it's Skye who's doing the interrogating.
Skye: Have you ever killed anyone? Ward: Yes, a few. High-risk targets. But they were terrible people who were trying to murder nice people. And I didn't feel good afterwards. Skye: Uh-huh. Does your grandmother know about these things? Ward: [pouts] Grammsy?
Coulson describing what he intends for Skye to do on The Team...
Skye: So, why am I here? Coulson: Distraction. If something happens, you come up with a story, lead the public in the wrong direction. Skye: ...so...pretty much everything I stand against? Coulson: Yup!
Everyone (including Melinda and Coulson) edging warily back from the device when the latter warns that it's much more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.
After being captured and stowed in the cargo hold.
Fitz: This is all my fault. I should have learned kung-fu.
After Melinda snaps her wrist to slip free of her bonds and take out the mook guarding them, she turns back to the rest of the team, and we get a shot of the four of them (even Ward, who knew exactly who she was and what she could do) staring in shock.
Melinda: You guys talk a lot. [drives a car through the door]
Camilla reasoning that everything Coulson is doing - the Cool Car, the big jet ("Your airborne mancave"), his renewed idealism, the team of attractive young people - is a mid-life crisis.
Coulson:...more like after-life.
The after-life comment is now more of a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment given the revelations in the episode The Magical Place.
All of Nick Fury's cameo at the end of the episode where he lectures Coulson on allowing the jet to be damaged on its second mission.
Fury: Really? Really, Coulson? Six days? It only took you six days to take a completely renovated piece of state-of-the-art machinery, and turn it into scrap? [...] Fury: Talkin' to me about 'authority'. You know I have the authority to downgrade your ass to a Winnebago. (he keeps on repeating "Talkin' to me about 'authority'!" several times afterwards) [...] Fury: It had a bar! A really nice one... [...] Fury: How's Lola? Coulson: She's fine, sir. Thanks for asking.
During his rant, Fury tells Coulson he wants the jet exactly as it was before; he doesn't want silly modifications like "a, a, a damn fish tank!" After he leaves, Coulson says into his earpiece "we're gonna have to kill the fish tank."
Trying to reassure Skye that the 0-8-4 is secure, Simmons rambles and quickly ends up in not-very-reassuring territory:
"...not that it couldn't explode at any minute, especially if hit by machine gun fire, but things like this happen from time to time when in the field, and at first it's very unpleasant..."
The fact that Skye saved the day with a safety pamphlet, and in doing so, become the first person to actually read said pamphlet.
Fitz sounds just a bit too excited when he says that the only bunk left for Skye to use is the one right next to his.
Coulson lists all of the team members' qualifications, but leaves out Skye. As he walks off, Skye calls out "I can do stuff too."
The episode starts with a redneck trucker singing along horribly with the radio. Turns out he's actually a highly trained SHIELD agent, which somehow just makes it funnier.
Ward telling Skye that SHIELD doesn't actually have a Truth Serum. It's left mildly ambiguous whether or not that's true, but if it is, it makes the interrogation from the pilot episode all the more hilarious. Plus Ward says he only told her Level 1 secrets, ie: low protected secrets she could easily hack for herself, and would be officially cleared to know about as soon as she joined SHIELD anyway, so she really learned nothing important.
Skye's reaction to learning that the SHIELD transport was attacked by an invisible enemy:
Fitz is adamant that the only way the team can get into Quinn's compound is with a highly trained monkey. It could turn off the alarm with its adorable little paws. Simmons's tone also suggests this isn't the first problem he's suggested solving with a monkey.
Also eating popcorn while listening to Skye on a tense mission
Once Skye has gotten into Quinn's office—to May and Fitz/Simmons' amazement—they wonder aloud how she did it.
Fitz: She probably just used her...ummm...her, uh...her, uh... [makes a priceless "oh screw it" face] boobs.
After Skye manages to grab Quinn's gun and turn it on him and his mooks:
Becomes a brick joke. She gets a gun, and tries to turn the safety off. Insert ammo falling out.
Ward calling the van where he and Coulson take Skye and Fitzsimmons to the field the "Short Bus"note used pejoratively as a slang for specialized small buses for special-needs students, much to Coulson's displeasure.
When Skye, egged on by Fitzsimmons, asks Ward about where they can pee when told that they can't leave the van, Ward tells them to share a (small) empty plastic bottle between the three of them. An annoyed Skye responds with, "Did you never learn the part where girl parts and boy parts are different, and our parts aren't penises?"
Ward: Anything else? Skye: Oh, yeah! Fitz wants to know if you left any snacks for us. Fitz: Yeah, I'm feeling a bit peckish! [click]
When the team finds out about the device in Akela's eye, Skye says this to Ward: "You're a robot, can you do that?"
Ward's response to being ordered to seduce a man (he's playing proxy to Akela) after stating he would do whatever it took.
Skye's opinion of what she and Fitzsimmons are seeing on a surveillance feed:
Skye: Russian TV's kinda boring.
"That kinda looks like our van..." And then Fitz stands up and waves...
At the tag end of the episode Fitz is having Skye use the X-Ray glasses to help him cheat at cards.
Skye: You realize if I put these on I'll see you naked. [Fitz hurriedly aborts the scheme] [beat] Skye: ...[puts on the glasses, looks at Ward, and turns them on] Hm. [smiles happily]
The Girl in the Flower Dress
One of the few things S.H.I.E.L.D. was able to dig up on Miles Lydon was that he runs a Minecraft mod to play as a Zombie Pigman. Judging from FitzSimmons' facial expressions, that's terrible.
Just hearing Simmons say "Zombie Pigman" in a completely serious, even more RP than usual tone of voice is inherently pretty funny.
Coulson's reaction to hearing Chan's use of the alias "Scorch."
Coulson: Ah crap, they gave him a name.
May tries to talk down Scorch in Cantonese. Scorch responds with an angry megalomaniacal rant in the same language. Coulson clearly didn't understand a word of it.
Coulson: [to May] So we're good, right?
May is more than a little disturbed to find that she wasn't briefed about Chan's megalomania.
May: His file say anything about him being homicidal? Coulson: Just said he was kind of a tool!
Coulson lets Miles go free, but first he hands him a small box with an electronic bracelet to track his movements and restrict usage of electronic devices for a while. Coulson warns "you can take what's in the box, or we'll put you in a slightly larger one."
Coulson: You're free to go. Miles: We're still in Hong Kong. Coulson: Yep. Miles: ...I live in Austin, Texas. Coulson: By the way, Agent Qwan's family appreciates the generous donation.
When Skye asks why she and Ward are playing Battleship rather than doing their normal training, he tells her that it's his duty as her SO to evaluate the way she thinks...
Ward: Also, I like board games.
Skye gloating over beating him at the game and making him say "You sunk my battleship." Also the tone in which Ward said it. If you look at their boards, you can see why: Skye is just aiming at random and is winning.
Fitz can't stand the smell of dead bodies, especially after Simmons dissected a cat and left its liver next to his lunch.
Later, when Simmons is doing another autopsy, and Fitz is rifling through the storage cabinets behind her.
Skye: What are you looking for? Fitz: A scented candle! Skye: Not. You.
Simmons is in the middle of giving Coulson a physical, and accidentally says the wrong thing. It's even funnier due to Coulson's tone, which honestly sounds more confused than offended.
Simmons: You can tell your physical therapist that you're fit as the proverbial fiddle! Especially for a man your age. Coulson: "Man of my age?" That's something you tell an old person. Simmons:[a little too perkily] Is it? Let's... get you some electrolytes, shall we?
Ward begins to go into a big spiel on why one ounce could be the difference between life and death when using a handgun at long range, when Fitz reminds him they could just use a rifle instead in that situation.
Melinda's interrogation of a scout leader: glaring at him menacingly and offering him a cookie.
Fitz and Simmons doing their best impressions of Ward. Turns out Ward heard them, and does his own at the end of the episode. Simmons tells him it's not quite right.
Skye saying that a victim of the Chitauri virus, who did a lot of volunteering, makes Captain America look like the Dude... in front of Coulson.
Fitz's awkward attempts at flirting with Skye, talking about how some people just have a connection. Not unreasonably, Skye assumes he's referring to Simmons. His look of despair when he clumsily tries to correct her is hilarious.
Coulson's Anger Born of Worry after Simmons jumps out of the plane to save the crew and Ward has to skydive after her to inject the cure. She made him fish her out of the water. And talk to the Moroccan office!
Made even funnier when you take a good look at Ward and Simmons' expressions as they're being reamed out. Two highly capable and intelligent adult agents are being reprimanded like small children.
When Coulson tells May that his tests indicated he was "a little heavy on the iron."
After a testy conversation with Coulson, Agent Blake makes sure to touch Lola, and looks back at Coulson when he does.
Skye tries to walk into a Level Seven meeting while having yet to earn Level One clearance, and promptly gets attached to the wall by her bracelet.
Skye: Is this your subtle way of telling me I'm not allowed in the meeting?
Agent Shaw hid a USB drive with top secret information up his nose.
Simmons' reaction to learning that Fitz is going on a field mission. She acts like a worried mother getting her child ready for his first day at school.
Simmons is so horrible at talking her way out of a situation that she ends up firing the Night-Night Gun at Agent Sitwell.
Simmons: My, Agent Sitwell, you certainly have a lovely...head.
And her attempts to flirt her way out:
Simmons: I like men that are my height, but heavier than me!
Then later, when she tells Fitz about it:
Fitz: So what do you get up to in the Hub? Simmons: I shot a superior officer in the chest. Fitz: ...
Fitz getting his trolly stuck between the glass doors at the Hub and becoming increasingly frustrated by it. And after finally getting the cart through, the doors just close on him and the glass blocks any sound so you can't hear his frustration, including the cut-off cry of "fantastic!"
Coulson has a serious discussion with May about whether he should share information above Skye and Simmons' classification level. Except May is practicing Tai-Chi during the conversation, and also never says a word. Though she does roll her eyes at the end.
Fitz gets in a delightful Deadpan Snarker moment while he and Ward are hiding out:
Fitz puts up an x-ray screen to see through the wall so they can figure out what to do next.
Fitz: Okay, I see two guards...armed with rifles...oh, there's a third guard. Wait...he's attacking them! Ward, are you seeing this, he's attacking them! He's, he's coming right for us— Ward:[opens door from the inside] Come on. Fitz: ...ah, that makes sense.
Skye refers to Thor as "dreamy". Coulson tries to tone it down to "handsome"... then May pops in to back Skye's choice of words.
Skye's opinion on the darker parts of human history:
Skye: He has been through all the scary stuff: the Crusades, the Black Death... Disco.
Just Skye, Fitz and Simmons watching the interrogation as if it was a documentary on the History Channel.
When Skye is checking the message boards of a Norse-Pagan hate group, most of the posts are people shouting about being the master race, having to claim their right over the world, etc... except one simply says "I rode a horse today :)".
Coulson says that, once in a while, Thor and his Asgardian buddies need to send down the God of "Cleaning up after themselves".
Coulson: They've probably got a magic broom for this sort of thing.
Coulson's comment on how awkward it would have been if Randolph hadn't been Asgardian and thus, been unable to prevent Ward from stabbing him.
Skye can't tell the difference between normal Ward and Angry!Ward.
Skye: Is that the normal Ward or the angrier Ward?
When Skye wonders how long Randolph has been on Earth, Simmons suggests cutting him open to find out. Skye then suggests an easier alternative: Asking him.
Fitz still wants a monkey assistant.
Fitz and Simmons realize they never got the chance to prank any freshmen at S.H.I.E.L.D. academy, and then realize that technically, Skye is a freshman. The first chunk of the episode has them thinking of ways to prank her.
The first attempt is a hogwash version of May's backstory - involving her wielding Guns Akimbo and taking down 100 hostiles on horseback.
The second has Fitz appearing behind Simmons in a gas mask as a test, but she's more disappointed. Later he rigs up the gas mask attached to a mop and some twine to jump out of a closet at people. Apparently he managed to set it up before Tobias started wreaking havoc, because he forgets about it until the group opens said closet nearly an hour later (in-universe) and they all scream. Especially Fitz.
Furthermore, Fitz ribs Simmons for screaming like a girl when she was pranked as a freshman, only to scream like a girl himself at his own prank.
And to top it off, Skye is only mildly startled compared to Simmons and Fitz's reaction to it so they scared themselves harder than their target.
Coulson gets torn up about having to use one of his antique watches as a makeshift bomb.
Coulson: I think they only made twenty.
Followed by a pathetic groan when it goes off.
During The Tag: Skye, Ward, Simmons, and Coulson are playing Scrabble. Simmons uses the word "Aglet" and when Ward says it's not a word in "our" language, counters by pointing out that "their" language is English. Then in walks Fitz with a face full of whipped cream thanks to another prank. Turns out he was pranked by May.
comparing May to a robot. She says "Target aquired: Threat elminated" in a terminator like voice.
She refers to the SHIELD academy as a 'SHIELD Hogwarts'.
Skye's reaction to Coulson's decision to bring May and Ward along to contact Hannah Hutchens, after he referred to the task as a "delicate situation":
Skye dresses up in a leather jacket, tall boots, and aviators, confronts a man who can lead her to Centipede, and identifies as S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent...Melinda May.
Skye's manipulation of the rich asshole into hacking a computer for her. Especially when she runs into a wall because he doesn't even know how to click on account history. She switches him with one of his rent-a-cops she had beat up earlier.
Lloyd:[to other guard] The thing is, I have an assistant who usually does all this.
Coulson: If it's really just sex, Ward, you might want to get more comfortable using the word.
Simmons is undercover as Coulson's estranged daughter, and gets a little too into character, leading to her ranting loudly about how Coulson's work and prostitutes were more important. This leads to Coulson getting chastised by Stan Lee.
Coulson: [indignantly] Prostitutes? Plural?
Also, Simmons is a little bit too prepared for her role. She drops in details that are overly specific, like the exact days of the week that Coulson was preoccupied with his work. (Something that wouldn't need to be said between an actual father and daughter.)
Skye's Scottish accent. And Fitz's American one, but for different reasons. His accent is fine, but the things he says are very stereotypically American.
Skye: We were hoping you could recommend a restaurant in downtown Zagreb. Fitz: Some place affordable with large portions.
Also, how Fitz learned how to do an American accent.
Fitz: I used to watch a lot of American TV growing up. Some of it was very good. Lots of nice teeth.
The best part is Skye visibly wincing after her accent attempt, as if even she knows it was horrible.
Coulson hopes they're not dealing with alternate dimensions, because he so doesn't want to go to Asgard right now.
Fitz: Comms are down. There's too much mountain on top of us. Garrett: Trust me it's better. You don't want them hearing the horrible death we're walking into. [Fitz gives a shocked look.] Garrett: Humor, son. You Brits are too serious. Besides, if the job was easy... Ward: ...it wouldn't be any fun. Fitz: I'm not afraid. Not yet. I suspect the real danger won't happen until we breach that bulletproof glass. Coulson: What do you think, Fitz? Can you get us inside? Fitz: To certain horrible death? Absolutely.
When Coulson was asked by Sitwell on how Tahiti, he replied with a snark, "It sucked" instead of "It's a magical place" before he wore his shades.
Simmons catching Skye attempting to sneak out of bed (for the umpteenth time) and the latter grumbling about "prison warden extending her house arrest".
The context puts a damper on it, but it's fun to see Sif's reaction to Coulson's asking about blue aliens, as she has no idea why he's so interested in them.
Simmons attacking Coulson with a fire extinguisher, thinking he's under Lorelei's control.
The way Fitz acts while under Lorelei's control. He's like a kid with a crush, just ecstatic that the girl he likes is talking with him. Likewise, Coulson's rather obvious attempt to play along and pretend he's also brainwashed...which Fitz completely buys.
The way he frets when he spots Simmons has gotten loose and chases after her.
Fitz: Oh dear.
Coulson and Simmons's entire plan for taking down Fitz while he's brainwashed is laughably simplistic, and it works. The way Fitz turns around and politely responds with "Sir?" after Coulson calls his name, only to be clocked in the face and knocked unconscious the next second, is particularly amusing.
Simmons' reaction to Fitz getting clocked by Coulson.
In a similar vein, May's reaction to Sif's comment that only men are vulnerable to Lorelei is a smirk which, given her character, is as good as a laughing fit.
She may be a villain, but Lorelei grousing about Earth money was pretty hilarious:
Lorelei: I ask for gold and you give me paper!
She also wonders who the "strange woman"note Benjamin Franklin on the hundred dollar bill is.
Followed by Rooster's misinformed explanation that said "strange woman" used to be president.
Simmons and Skye realize they've been locked in the hospital room. You, as a viewer think maybe the doors have been locked by Fitz or maybe Lorelei. However, when Coulson arrives at the hospital later, he sees that the door is merely jammed by a simple tire iron. Which, he casually removes and tosses aside. The look on Coulson's face is priceless.
The End of the Beginning
Garrett commenting on Skye's wounds.
Garett: Hell, you took two to the gut! When has Sitwell ever done anything? [Sitwell looks genuinely offended]
Fitz and Simmon's adorkable attempts to out-subterfuge Coulson and the rest of the Bus crew...and completely and utterly fail.
When explaining how he's invented tracker bullets for the ICE guns, Fitz mentions tagging a "wild monkey, if he gets away from you" as an example of how it could be used.
Blake believes in horoscopes, and uses astrology to flirt with May.
Garrett and Coulson get paired off, and pass the time by telling stories about their past exploits. Then Garrett realizes Coulson isn't paying attention.
Garrett: Oh, did I tell you that one already? I must be getting old. Coulson: I was there. Garrett: You were? For which part? Coulson: The whole thing! And you didn't drop through the skylight. Garrett: Yeah, but it makes for a better story.
In an otherwise very tense scene, Fitz running into Skye right after May catches him snooping around the cockpit is pretty funny, mainly because Skye seems to be expecting Fitz to have committed some harmlessly Adorkable screw-up.
Fitz:[Turns around and sees Skye, is visibly startled] What? I didn't do anything! Skye: I never said you did anything. [Pauses briefly, then rolls her eyes in exasperation] Okay, what did you do?
Turn, Turn, Turn
Coulson's "Boo-yah!" when he shoots down the drones attacking Agent Garrett.
This exchange near the beginning of the episode:
Fitz: I thought HYDRA was defeated after World War II? Coulson: It was. S.H.I.E.L.D. was founded in the wake of that victory. Fitz: And now they're back. Garrett: HYDRA always comes back. Coulson: Cut off the head, two more will take its place. Garrett: Is it a head? I thought it was a limb. Fitz: No, no, pretty sure it was a head. Coulson: It's a head.
When things start getting really weird, Coulson just shoots May. With an I.C.E.r, but still. Skye and Fitz's reactions to it make it even better.
After shooting May, Coulson carries the unconscious woman into the cell, where a very confused Ward is still in holding.
Ward: What's going on? Coulson: She's a sleeper. ...the other kind.
For all of his years as a covert operative, Ward makes a mistake: Miscalculating a time bomb.
Simmons asks why she should trust Triplett; Triplett responds by asking why he should trust her:
For all its seriousness, Coulson's Kirk Summation to the villainous Garrett is delivered with perfect deadpan timing.
Skye checking out the corridor Ward is about to try to clear:
Skye: There's, like, a hundred guys out there! Ward: Twelve.
The ensuing Noodle Incident in which the last five guards overwhelm Ward and are kicking him into the floor. We cut to Skye's reaction as she listens through the door to an obviously brutal beating. After a few seconds' silence, the door opens to reveal... Ward, with only a few cuts and scratches, having apparently turned the whole thing around without firing off a single shot.
Coulson's half-hearted "yaaaaay" in response to Skye telling him that pretty much the only thing she was able to get working after the assault at the Hub was the Bus' internet.
Note this news comes after learning that a fuel line is leaking and that they barely have enough food for a couple of days (which according to Simmons is an optimistic estimate). Coulson follows up the above response with "...and boy have I lowered my expectations."
[Simmons keeps telling Fitz he needs to replace the grounding wires on the ramp; he keeps blowing her off.] Simmons: However, you will need to replace those grounding wires. Fitz: It's fine. OK, turn it on. [Triplett turns it on; sparks fly everywhere] Fitz: TURN IT OFF! Triplett: You need to replace the grounding wires. Fitz: You need to shush. Shush, both of you. Honestly, ganging up on me. [storms off while muttering] Think you're so smart, well, why don't you try fixing it.
Fitz: We have to trust that Coulson knows what he's doing. Triplett: Hey, I respect Coulson... Fitz:Agent Coulson, to you. Triplett:Agent Coulson. He saved our asses back at the Hub. But I'm telling you, he's chasing the white whale. Fitz: OK, have you even read Moby-Dick? Triplett: Yeah. Have you? Fitz: That's... not the point. Now if you can stop spouting your nonsense and let me get back to checking my inventory...
After Coulson throws his badge in frustration at there not being anything at the coordinates from his badge and it gets shot at by a surprise machine gun turret, sending everyone running for cover:
Simmons is asked, if alone on an island with a box, what is in the box. Her answer? The TARDIS. The idea of putting Simmons through a lie-detection test, particularly one said to be unbeatable by Agent Romanoff, when Simmons couldn't tell a lie to save her life, is funny in itself.
The fact that Fitz's immediate answer to the question is "Simmons." He's got it bad for that woman...
We meet May's mom, and she's just as capable a snarker as her daughter.
Mrs. May: I may be retired, but I still have my contacts. And my agency hasn't fallen apart.
When Melinda first gets in her car, this exchange:
(Mrs. May turns off the engine)
Melinda: What are you doing? We have to go.
Mrs. May:Five hundred miles.
Mrs. May: 500 miles and I don't even get a thank you!
Melinda: I was just about to-
Mrs. May: It's too late.
Mrs. May: I said too late.
Discussing Fitz's plan to deal with Blackout, involving shifting stage lights into gamma rays:
Fitz: There's a slight chance he could absorb the energy and gain more power, but it's unlikely. Coulson: Who did you say created this technology, again? Fitz:Bruce Banner. Coulson: Then I'm sure it'll go off without a hitch.
Maria Hill on the phone with new employer Pepper Potts of Stark Industries, complaining about having to testify to Congress about the fallout from Captain America: The Winter Soldier:
Maria Hill: Congress is like kindergarten: "Where is this 'Fridge'? What was in there? Who or what is a 'Man-Thing'?" I swear, I need a cocktail and a lobotomy!
"But apparently my every move continues to fascinate them. Tonight's standard issue surveillance package includes: fake yuppie not checking her texts at the bus stop, plastered homeless man... mildly offensive, and the hipster following me, think he's Russian or... [sees they've all either disappeared or been rendered unconscious]
They were taken out by May who talks with Maria in an alley about Coulson. By the time the FBI and police arrive, May is already gone:
Police: [pointing gun] Drop your weapon! Maria Hill: [checking her watch] Three minutes and twenty seconds. Really? If you were my agents, you wouldn't be for long.
Simmons lamenting, "I wish our bunker had a bunker."
After Colonel Talbot orders Coulson and the others to come out:
Coulson: If I come out, will you shoot me? 'Cause... then I won't come out.
An old man is wandering through a cemetery with a bouquet of flowers when he sees one of the graves has been dug up. After a moment, May pops up, climbs out, tells the man "My condolences," and walks away.
Ward genuinely taking offense when Skye calls him a Nazi due to working for HYDRA.
Skye: You know you always had that Hitler Youth look to you, so it's really not that surprising!
Coulson boards the Bus alone, confident he can take Ward out... and then Skye tells him Deathlok is also on the plane. "New plan: run!"
Phil drives Lola off the Bus, switches her into flight mode while in midair, lands her in the middle of Los Angeles... and is told that parking in his chosen landing spot is $20.
Coulson then reaches for his wallet, which just makes it funnier.
Coulson and Skye looking dazed after landing and Skye's frazzled hair. Especially funny since a lot of complaints from people about Skye having such great hair for someone who lives out of her van and then on an airplane.
Coulson's hair is pretty fluffed up, too.
Before that, he tells Skye to buckle up before they leave the plane. She didn't have time to, so she nearly flies out of the car. As Coulson pulls her back in, he yells "I told you to buckle up!"
In a darkly humorous way, Coulson discovering that the TAHITI project was run by none other than himself is met with a simple "huh."
With an ironic kind of humor, Deathlok's justification for Stopping Ward's heart was word-for-word what Ward gave Skye for his betrayal.
And when Ward complains that he can't fly the plane, or stand for that matter, because of the heart-stopping device, Deathlok just flicks his wrist to give him a jolt of energy, pats him on the cheek, and declares "good to go!".
Coulson's brief, unintentional lapse into a Scottish accent while repeating Fitz's description of the I.C.E.r, and his hurried attempt to cover it up.
Fitz-Simmons begin to disagree over whose contribution to the Night-Night Gun technology was more significant, leaving Coulson and May struggling to keep up, since they're meant to be feeding them lines to repeat verbatim. Then, their argument is quickly replaced by stunned silence and expressions of total outrage when the CyberTech recruiters criticize both aspects of the design.
And they refer to the original I.C.E.r design as the "sleepy-sleep gun".
Fitz's defense of the I.C.E.r in comparison with the Night-Night Gun ends with "... and it has a much cooler name!" Coulson repeats it without really taking it in, then looks annoyed at the outburst.
Fitz plays with a fake cigarette that emits a laser beam. He sets the curtains of the hotel room on fire.
And the fact that May is the one who brings it up.
Coulson and May have basically just borrowed clothes from Fitz' and Simmons' closets.
May's utter commitment to playing a Simmons-esque tech geek. Seeing that smile on her is actually kind of creepy after a while.
Triplett and Fitz attempt a Handshake Substitute before heading out on a mission, but Triplett goes for a fist-bump, while Fitz goes for a high-five. They manage to meet somewhere in the middle, with a somewhat awkward result.
Garrett's unceremonious end at the hands of Coulson. After getting the evil Cyborg treatment, he goes into a nice villain monologue with evil music rising... aaand gets Killed Mid-Sentence by Coulson. Who treats the whole thing like he's looking for a lost set of keys (or perhaps a lost death ray, since that was what he was looking for at the time).
Even funnier when you realize he probably had the thing trained on Garrett the whole time and waited until after the (apparently) Painful Transformation.
When Simmons is expressing the idea that the energy that makes her and Fitz them has existed in other forms before, Fitz naturally thinks of a monkey.
Coulson and Fury essentially fighting Garrett with nothing but snark, and winning.
Fury: You didn't tell me he'd gone this crazy. Coulson: He's really stepped it up a notch. [...] Garrett: You remember that speech you used to give us Nick? About how one man can accomplish anything once he realizes he can be something bigger? Well, now I am! Fury: [beat] A part. A part of something bigger. Garrett: [beat] Is that how it went? Coulson: Not a good listener. Fury: If you tell me this whole HYDRA path thing you took was because you misheard my damn "one man" speech... Garrett: [in the background]I am the key to the future of the universe. I am -- Fury: [ignores him, turns to Coulson] You got it, right? Coulson: Totally. Loud and clear.
After a long, knock-down, drag-out fight between Ward and May, it's ended by May nailgunning Ward's foot to the floor. Through his shoe. Several times. (Ming-Na Wen on Twitter: "NAIL HYDRA!!")
The opening of Coulson's What the Hell, Hero? rant against Fury is made pretty hilarious when he can't properly articulate it beyond repeating "stupid" several times.
Fitz having to interrupt him and Simmons happily jumping and dancing around after they figure a way out of their predicament because "Yes, yes, yes! ...this... really hurts my arm..." is funny in a Black Comedy sort of way.
The "noisemakers" from Triplett's collection of first-gen spy gear. They're literally shaped like noisemakers, and when they're activated they provide noise to distract the enemy. Specifically...
Noisemaker: [gunshots] Hey ho! The enemy approaches, comrades!
Just before Coulson's fight with Garrett, Fury appears and stands over him, hands in pockets like he just casually strolled in.
Coulson: Sir? Fury: You don't have to call me 'sir', Coulson. Look at me, I'm dressed like I live under a bridge.
Skye revealing the bomb she's been threatening the whole control room with is actually a Hulk action figure for Ace.
Quinn trying to cover for Garrett's presence in front of the generals by claiming he's a "strategy consultant."
Garrett: You hear the dying breath of an old world, general. But a new world is coming. I've tasted it on my tongue. General: ...this is your strategy consultant? Quinn: Part time.
Coulson appearing out of nowhere in front of Garrett:
Skye: I'm not afraid of you, Ward. Ward: You're not gonna kill us with the bomb. You'd go, too Skye: No. I have a weapon much better than a bomb, that will absolutely destroy you. Ward: And why's that? Skye: Because you slept with her. And she's really pissed off. [cue a punch from May]
Pretty much every word out of Nick Fury's mouth is a combination of this and awesome.
At the end of the episode, the team arrives at another super-secret base, and they are greeted by... Eric Koenig? He's not dead? No, wait, it's actually his brother that he mentioned playing Call of Duty with before, who proceeds to deliver almost word-for-word the exact sameFanboy speech to Coulson that Eric did several episodes earlier.
The Declassified online show are basically funny recaps hosted by Brett Erlich.
The Girl in the Flower Dress recap has several funny moments
One of the skits is Brett being flirtatious with 2 ladies, and getting taken away by men in suits for being flirtatious both times. He also tries looking at stuff on his smart phone, but still gets kidnapped by men in suits.
Also, on the fact that Skye was given a Walking Techbane bracelet, Brett advertises multi colored bracelets.
Brett: You want green? You want purple? You want glurple?! That's not a color.
The Verizon question: "Who do you think is better for Skye? Miles, the "hackavist" or Brett, the real-life host of M.A.O.S Declassified?"
In an interview of Brett Dalton with Marvel.com concerning Ward's Face-Heel Turn, Brett comments on how the night he found out he was asked to meet with the writers after shooting. This being a Joss Whedon show, he immediately started worrying.
Brett: And you know I'm on a Joss Whedon show, so from the very beginning I'm not unaware of the fact that my position on the team was not a guarantee.
The cast of the show received an early screening of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Reportedly, after they finished watching, they immediately asked whether they still had jobs.
During the "Assembling a Universe" special, Clark Gregg talks about meeting with Joss Whedon during the filming of The Avengers, and having Whedon tell him that is character is basically The Heart of the Avengers, and that his role is very important to the plot of the film. Gregg is flattered for a moment...until he realizes that it's Joss Whedon telling him this, and he knows what happens to The Heart in his movies...
The cast being asked to do impressions of their favourite S.H.I.E.L.D. agents from the MCU (barring their own character, of course). Chloe Bennett's extended impression of Simmons should probably win extra points for being done in a wonderfully inaccurate Cockney accent.
Brett Dalton's love of being an incorrigible Pungeon Master while live-tweeting during each episode is a sight to behold.