Fanfic / Cool Cat and the Beauty of War and Destruction

Nothing brings your heart joy, you don't know how to love,

A fucking business card made you feel like you weren't above,

You're idolized by teenage boys, and then discarded in favour of Ryan Gosling's new flick,

Now make like him and DRIVE off a cliff!

— Daddy Derek

Cool Cat And The Beauty Of War And Destruction is a Crossover Troll Fic of Cool Cat Saves the Kids, American Psycho, The Dictator, McDonaldland and Voltes V published on Archive of Our Own.

After the Emperor of Hollywood is mysteriously assassinated in the middle of the night, Patrick Bateman resumes the throne and begins to terrorize the United States of America. While most of his fellow Hollywood elites are in support of him, Cool Cat denounces his cruelty.

When it's found that Mama Cat betrayed him, and his father loses to Patrick in a rap battle and gets the death penalty, Cool Cat is forced to flee. Meanwhile, Patrick uses his power to terrorize the innocents further and date the reader.

Cool Cat finds that Patrick isn't his only adversary, and he's forced to make alliances with some of his own former enemies to put an end to this needless war. Things are made more complicated with the appearance of General Aladeen, Prince Heinel and Barney, the latter of who murdered Ronald McDonald in cold blood. Amidst this chaos is Cool Cat's old foe Butch the Bully, who has ties to Patrick Bateman....but for what reason?

The fic can be read here, but be warned - it is a Crack Fic and you may lose quite a few braincells trying to make sense of what's going on. The fic is also packed with gratuitous violence in almost every chapter.

For what it's worth, it at least has a coherent story.

Cool Cat And The Beauty Of War And Destruction has examples of:

• Adaptational Badass: Daddy Derek and Patrick Bateman apparently served in Afghanistan together.
• Adaptational Heroism: The Boazanians, as a whole. Heinel is still an Evil Prince, but he's willing to make pacts with humans and agrees to leave Earth afterwards. Zambajil is still an awful Planet Baron but of eventually gives up trying to kill his nephew and allows him to succeed him as Emperor. Played with in the case of Zuhl, who tries to tell the world "the truth" about 9/11, but is kicked to death by Katherine for it.
• Adaptational Jerkass:
  • Mama Cat cheats on Daddy Derek with Patrick Bateman because of their Awful Wedded Life.
  • Moon Man is a racist who has friends in the Ku Klux Klan, Confederate movements, and the Nazi party.
  • Happy rubs his fame as the new McDonald's mascot into Ronald's face, which eventually causes him to snap and kill him.
  • When Butch tells him his Dark and Troubled Past, Cool Cat states that if he was a bit nicer, his daddy would love him. He then rubs in his relationship with Daddy Derek in his face.
• Adaptational Nationality: Moon Man speaks with a German accent in the first chapter, but the author forgets this in the later chapters and has him speak in a standard accent.
• Adaptational Relationship Overhaul: In the original anime, Heinel and Katherine had many moments of Ship Tease, but their romance ended tragically when Katherine died to save Heinel, with Heinel realizing he was in love with her all along afterwards. Here, she's his girlfriend, and they even get married in the end.
• Adaptational Sexuality:
  • Patrick is bisexual, being attracted to Mama Cat, Prince Heinel and the reader.
  • Mama Cat sleeps with both men and women.
  • Happy found out who Ronald's old high school crushes were and slept with all of them.
• Adaptational Superpower Change: Cool Cat has the power of Cartoon Physics (despite originating from a live-action film), which is how he defeats Moon Man's Mooks.
• Adaptational Villainy:
  • Ronald is mentioned to be a part of the now-disbanded The Barney Bunch.
  • Barney, who was arrested for a Noodle Incident.
  Barney: "I've been waiting a long time to see you again, Ronald! After they hauled me off to jail for "insanity", I thought I'd never hold your hand ever again! But I broke out! I bore months of abuse and humiliation to plan my escape, and by my own hands, I am free. I choked every single cop and warden involved in my arrest and their graves are desecrated too. Now you and I can be together forever and ever!"
  • Butch kicks out the inhabitants of a homeless shelter so he can modify it into his lair.
  • The Hamburgular commits a school shooting. Luckily, Cool Cat and Moon Man thwart him.
• A Day in the Limelight: See Rotating Protagonist
• All-Loving Hero: Cool Cat. He refuses to follow Bateman like the rest of the Hollywoodians, and declares that "Friends are COOOOOOOO-OOOOL!".
• And Knowing Is Half the Battle: After Moon Man is defeated, Cool Cat pauses to tell you, the reader, that racism is bad.
• Arch-Enemy:
  • Daddy Derek and Patrick Bateman. Patrick steals his wife, and they have a rap battle, where Patrick emerges victorious.
  • Prince Heinel and General Aladeen, who used to be friends, until Aladeen disrespected the name of Boazania. As a result, they duke it out in their respective Humongous Mechas, with the winner having a holiday to celebrate. The fic also refers to the Voltes team as Heinel's Arch-enemies, but they have a minimal role.
  • Cool Cat and Moon Man, who spent the first half of chapter 2 battling each other. Moon Man's Mooks fail to land a single hit on Cool Cat, and Moon Man later dies while trying to offer himself to Griffith. Later, he is resurrected and him and Cool Cat team up to defeat Butch the Bully and Barney.
• Aristocrats Are Evil: In line with his canon counterpart, Patrick is a wealthy playboy who enjoys killing people. Except here, he's an Emperor, while in the original film he was a stockbroker.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
  Patrick knew Aladeen loved Zoey so it went to her shop and gave it a 1 star review and then also shot fire projectiles at the shop, burning it down and everyone inside it.
• Artistic License:
  • "Emperor of Hollywood" is not a real thing^note Though King of Hollywood is.
  • The main currency of Hollywood is Lats, a currency that has been obscure for years by the time this story was written. Then again, it is used for a Fictional Country...
• Author Tract:
  • In the chapter notes of Chapter 3, Cinema Time, they criticize Voltes V: Legacy and call it bad. The chapter is also about the yuppies of Pierce & Pierce making a live-action adaptation of Voltes V which received negative reviews. The author also mentions that they pirated the series as they aren't a Tagalog speaker. They also lampoon the Marvel Cinematic Universe over it's overuse of Casual Danger Dialogue.
  • The author opens chapter 4 with stating that they dislike My Hero Academia and call Deku "mid".
• Awful Wedded Life:
  Now you might be wondering, what would drive Mama Cat to cheat on Daddy Derek? Don't they look like they have a happy marriage on the outside? Well, things are never as simple as they seem. As Dhar Mann would say "never judge a book by its cover"
  Mama Cat knew that when she married Daddy Derek, she was marrying a man coveted by the rest of Hollywood. As a porn star, Daddy Derek would frequently be hired by the elites of Hollywood for entertainment. The Hollywood elites loved to use Daddy Derek's nude body because they could huff cocaine off of it. This made Mama Cat insecure. She would frequently get into arguments with Daddy Derek over this. She often brought up that she wanted Daddy Derek to only be intimate to her, but Daddy Derek mocked her for not having a job and said that someone had to bring in the money. To cope, Mama Cat began drinking. She drank while pregnant with Cool Cat which is why he is the way he is. After Cool Cat was born Mama Cat hoped he would fix their broken marriage but instead, he made it worse, as he grew up to be, well, Cool Cat. Fed up with her husband's behaviour, Mama Cat started clubbing at nights and began sleeping with both men and women. Daddy Derek never knew and assumed she was at her job. One day, she caught the eye of Paul Allen, and he wanted to speak to her but he was too shy. Patrick saw this and decided to fuck Mama Cat to flex on Paul.
• Big Bad Ensemble: The Yuppies that control Hollywood.
• Bilingual Dialogue:
  • While Heinel speaks in French, none of the other Boazanians do. Hence, their dialogue is of Heinel speaking in French and them responding in English.
  • Moon Man speaks with Gratuitous German in chapter 1, but this is suddenly forgotten as the fic goes on.
• Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Aladeen and Nadal present themselves as allies to the Boazanian Empire, but secretly covet their technology and fear their potential.
  In the video, Aladeen and Nadal were talking about the Boazanians. "They're rather strong. Unlike any ally we've ever had" admitted Aladeen. "Yes, an ally with this much power cannot be allowed to stand." replied Nadal. "But behold, my latest invention." He pulled back the cloth. "I have studied the Boazanians' technology, and by stealing their data, made my own Beast Knight. We will use it to defeat the Boazanians." "Hahahaha" the two laughed evilly.
• Blue-and-Orange Morality: The Hamburgular commits a school shooting, but is still allowed in Heaven.
• Breaking the Fourth Wall:
  • After defeating Moon Man, Cool Cat temporarily does this to drop An Aesop.
  Cool Cat laughed and turned to the reader. "Kids, that's why racism isn't COOOOOL! Always treat other ethnicities with respect!"
  • Prince Heinel also seems to be aware of his surroundings.
  Suddenly, Heinel realized something! He was in a Tomino work! It has been 3.493746 seconds and nobody had died yet! He had to fix this!
• Broken Pedestal: Butch used to idolize his father, Patrick Bateman, and wanted his approval so badly. Patrick, however, never wanted Butch and spent most of his life pretending he never existed. Desperate to be accepted, Butch became a bully, killed the Emperor of Hollywood, captured Cool Cat and Moon Man and orchestrated a school shooting. When Patrick was abandoned by his fellow elites, Butch came to his aid, only for Patrick to reject him and call him a "punk kid". And then Butch's world fell apart.
• Casual Danger Dialogue: Parodied. At one point the reader and Patrick Bateman have a sex scene, and the reader yells out things like "Well....that just happened" and "he's right behind me isn't he!" after every sexual act Bateman performs.
• Card-Carrying Villain: Moon Man, who screams about how much he hates minorities and plays a racist song on the piano.
• Cartwright Curse: Invoked. Patrick Bateman first kills Mama Cat because she complained about his movie, and then tries to kill you, the reader, before telling you it's just a joke and booping your nose.
• Celebrity Paradox:
  • Voltes V is established to be an anime in Chapter 3, but the characters from it appear in Chapters 4 and 5. Chapter 5 even ends with Kenichi remarking that they should watch the movie based on their anime at the cinema.
  • In his rap, Daddy Derek mocks Patrick Bateman for being the icon of internet "Literally Me" memes. Later, Patrick repeats the same thing to Butch.
• Child Hater: Patrick responds to his friends sending him pictures of their kids with pictures of pitbulls in flower crowns.
• Cool Plane: The Cool Cat Fighter Jet Plane, which is how Cool Cat and Moon Man find Butch's lair.
• Cool Old Guy: Daddy Derek thinks of himself this way, mentioning "the youngins [he] guides" in his rap.
• Creepypasta: Parodied in chapter 6, where a character is told to his face that the tape is haunted and will kill him, but chooses to disregard it as a "prank".
  He decided to go shopping for tapes online and one caught his eye "Ronald McDonald adventures in McDonaldland- the lost episodes". "I should buy this" he said. "Sir no" said the cashier. "That tape is haunted and whoever watches it dies in 7 days."
  "Enough from you!" yelled 👴, taking out his cane and smacking the cashier. "You youngins and your pranks. Shame on you for targeting an old man like me". He took his tape home and played them.
• Crunchtastic: The fic mentions that under Bateman, Hollywood is now filled with "corruptionness" and cruelty.
• Cry for the Devil: In-universe. Poor Hamburgular...
• Death by Racism:
  Moon Man was shocked, this wasn't how the plan was supposed to go! Luckily, he always has a Plan B. He had read Berserk and it was time to take a page out of Griffith's book. Moon Man gathered the corpses of his friends and sacrificed them in exchange for more power. However since he is a moon, the members of the Idea of Evil didn't like the idea of a moon-person amongst them since they are racist. They decided that they didn't want him in their group so they rejected him and Moon Man perished. That's right, a racist like Moon Man was defeated by racism itself.
• Department of Redundancy Department:
  Patrick Bateman laughed an evil laugh. "Finally, I can take over Hollywood". He declared himself the new Emperor of Hollywood.
• Desecrating the Dead: After Barney broke out of prison, he went on a murder spree. To add insult to injury, he descrated the graves of all he killed as well.
• Dissonant Serenity: Katherine in Chapter 4.
  The Boazanians actually had no idea what to do with the camels, so Katherine had them punted at Big Falcon via slingshot. She didn't expect them to splatter into remains, not that it stopped her from punting more.
• Dramatic Ellipsis: Daddy Derek, The Hamburgular and Butch the Bully are introduced with "It was....[CHARACTER NAME]".
• Drugs Are Bad: The Hollywood Elites are mentioned to enjoy "huffing cocaine" off of Daddy Derek's nude body.
• Evil Laugh: Patrick is said to have one. Aladeen and Nadal also laugh "evilly".
• Evil Prince: Prince Heinel of the Boazanians, who's allied with fellow evil monarch Admiral-General Aladeen. At first.
• Fantastic Racism: Griffith and his fellow members of the Idea of Evil dislike Moon Man for being a Moon.
• Fiction 500: The main currency of Hollywood is Latvian Lats, a currency that was last used in 2014.
• Fictional Country: In this fic, Hollywood is a country that neighbours America. All of the denizens are Hollywood elites, and they own slaves.
• The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: When Craig asks Patrick who his true love is, he pulls you, the reader, into the fic. He then tries to kill you with a chainsaw because he's upset his movie failed.
• Freudian Excuse: Butch is Patrick Bateman's son, but Patrick never accepted him. Everything Butch does is an attempt to gain his approval.
• Gratuitous French: Heinel speaks only and exclusively in French, which is a nod to Boazania being a Fantasy Counterpart Culture to France. However, when he meets the Voltes team, his Arch-Enemies, he becomes so angry he starts speaking English.
  "Voltes V, stay out of this fight, this is between me and Aladeen alone" said Prince Heinel, so enraged that he forgot for a second that he was supposed to be French. "You all shall go to hell if you interfere. Aside!"
  • And then, for the rest of the fic, he starts speaking in English.
• Hypocritical Humor: The author refuses to say "penis" (instead saying "willy"), but gratuitously uses the word "fuck" throughout the fic.
• I Am Very British: The author says "mum" and spells favor like "favour".
• If You're So Evil, Eat This Kitten!: Patrick Bateman orders his followers to destroy America to prove their loyalty to him.
• Jerkass: The reader. When they're told their grandfather might die, they reply with "POGGERS". Moon Man and Patrick Bateman also count, the latter being an Abusive Dad to Butch.
• Leaning on the Fourth Wall: Patrick Bateman's Nokia phone has a Welsh ringtone, which is a nod to his actor's nationality.
• Love Triangle: Paul Allen loves Mama Cat, but she was seduced by Bateman. This is despite the fact that she's already married to Daddy Derek. Then, it's revealed that Bateman never loved her anyway because his true love is you, the reader.
• Luke, I Am Your Father: Patrick Bateman is Butch's father.
• Kids Are Cruel: Both Cool Cat and Butch count. Cool Cat is an insensetive asshole who shows more compassion to a school shooter than he does to an abuse victim, while Butch acts as Patrick Bateman's Dragon.
• Malaproper: The author refers to Ronald McDonald as "Ronald MacDonald".
• Manipulative Bastard: Moon Man lies to Cool Cat about how Daddy Derek died so that he could get him on his side to defeat Barney.
  "Yes. I know it's a misconception that Daddy Derek was executed by Emperor Bateman. But the truth is, your father was already dying! Before they could start their rap battle, Barney appeared out of nowhere and shot him. He then got osteoperosis and died." explained Moon Man.
• Mundane Made Awesome: In the finale, Butch uses a washing machine as a Super Robot.
• Mythology Gag:
  • Moon Man plays the piano, as a reference to the original advertisment of the mascot.
  • Heinel speaking French is a reference to Boazania being France -inspired and Voltes V 's plot essentially being The French Revolution IN SPACE!.
  • Heinel causes 9/11. This is a reference to the fact that in the original anime's first episode^note Which aired on June 4, 1977, one of the things the Boazanians did when invading Earth was destroy the Twin Towers.
• New Child Left Behind: Butch's mother died in childbirth, and Patrick refused to accept him as his son. Butch was later adopted by another couple, but he was broken over his father's rejection of him and strove to get his approval, no matter what.
• No Name Given: One of the characters is referred to as "👴". Not "old man" or "grandfather", but "👴".
  👴 was so scared from seeing the HYPERREALISTIC BLOOD and PITCH BLACK SCREEN that he began screaming! 👴 realized he had peed himself from the fear.
  "These ashes must be why this is happening!" said 👴. He tried to find them to throw them out but.....they were gone!
• Piss-Take Rap: Daddy Derek and Patrick Bateman have a rap battle to settle their score. Patrick wins and Derek is put to death through the electric chair.
• The Power of Love: This is how Patrick's Super Robot is powered. He screams his love for you, the reader, and overpowers Shugoshin Godol.
• Questionable Casting: In-universe. When the yuppies make a live-action adaptation of Voltes V, they hire all their friends to play the roles instead of professional actors.
  To celebrate this victory, Patrick and the yuppies decide to make their own movie. The movie was called "Voltes V: Electric Boogaloo" and was a live action adaptation of the anime, Voltes V. Paul Allen was to play Kenichi Gō, the hero of the story. Timothy Bryce was to play Daijiro Gō, Kenichi's little brother and martial artist. Craig Mc Dermott was to play Hiyoshi Gō, the youngest of the Gō brothers and an inventor. David Van Patten was to play Ippei Mine, the cowboy. Marcus Halberstram was to play the ninja girl Megumi Oka. Jean was to play Mitsuyo Gō, the mother of the Gō family while Luis Carruthers was to play Kentaro Gō, their missing father. Voltes V was played by Christie, with Sabrina as it's stunt double. Donald Kimball was to play Professor Hamaguchi. Prince Heinel, the evil sexy Prince, was to be played by Patrick Bateman, who also directed the movie. Katherine, his girlfriend, was to be played by Mama Cat.
• Racist Grandpa: The reader's grandfather, who resurrects Moon Man by playing Call of Duty in front of his ashes. However, that's not why the reader hates him. The reader hates him because he never let them have ice cream.
• Rasputinian Death: Daddy Derek's death.
  Since in Hollywood, rapping is sacred, Daddy Derek was sentenced to death via electric chair for losing the rap battle. However, the chair took 3 or 4 tries to kill him, with the man laughing manically as if he didn't give a fuck the entire time. It is said that a man as vile as Derek couldn't be killed with mortal instruments like that; this was proven true when Patrick just gave up and had to call in Pinkie Pie to have him hacked to pieces.
• Rich Bitch: Patrick Bateman. He even mocks Derek for being poor in his rap.
  The people who reviewed the movie made more money off of it than you,
  All those dreams of red carpet fame and Hollywood glory, you can bid adieu
• Rotating Protagonist: While the fic has Cool Cat in the title, he's only the protagonist for three chapters. Due to the Cast Herd, each chapter has a different main character(s).
  • Chapter 1, Where Empires Go To Die: Cool Cat.
  • Chapter 2, What is Passion?: Daddy Derek.
  • Chapter 3, Cinema Time: Patrick Bateman.
  • Chapter 4, The Start of Aladeengelion: Prince Heinel, General-Admiral Aladeen.
  • Chapter 5, The End of Aladeengelion: Prince Heinel, General-Admiral Aladeen.
  • Chapter 6, Ronald MacDonald: The Shittypasta: 👴, Ronald McDonald
  • Chapter 7, Cool Cat Stops A School Shooting: Cool Cat, Moon Man.
  • Chapter 8, Here Comes The Sun: Cool Cat, Moon Man and Butch the Bully.
• Shout-Out:
  • At one point, Neon Genesis Evangelion is referenced.
  ALADEEN!" screamed Nadal. "GET IN THE ROBOT, NOW! THEY'RE COMING TO WADIYA!"
  • The Barney Bunch is mentioned a few times.
  • This line from Daddy Derek's rap.
  You're idolized by teenage boys, and then discarded in favour of Ryan Gosling's new flick
  Now make like him and DRIVE off a cliff!
  • At one point, Patrick Bateman calls Heinel a "mediocre dunce".
  • The entire fic's plot is lifted from Voltes V. It starts with an Evil Colonialist terrorizing the country of our heroes and ends with a war between two of the same kin. Butch's backstory is ripped off from Heinel's, down to his relationship with the Big Bad.
• Space Whale Aesop: Don't be racist, or Cool Cat will whoop your ass.
• Take That!: Quite a few, thanks to Author Tract.
  Aladeen knew that Patrick liked good music so he changed Aladeen's music tapes to Mori Calliope's music.
• Teens Are Monsters: At The Hamburgular's school, he was bullied so badly that he decided to commit a school shooting in retaliation. After he commits suicide, all the students cry and mourn him because they realize that if they had treated him better, he wouldn't have done what he did.
• Too Dumb to Live: Heinel, who doesn't realize that Aladeen is repeatedly trying to kill him until he finds a video of Aladeen and Nadal badmouthing the Boazanians. Luckily, he survives.
• Throw It In!: In-universe.
  "What is it, Paul?" you asked. By now he had already stopped crying (thank god, now the only thing left was for the editors to edit out his crying during the filming of the other scenes. Or not, it kinda added a "sad" vibe to the film that the filmmakers were looking for).
• Unholy Matrimony: Heinel is more or less a psychopath, and Katherine likes to punt camels. They're in love.
• Unperson: After Daddy Derek dies a Rasputinian Death, this happens to him.
• You Killed My Father: Ronald McDonald was Moon Man's former master. When Barney killed him, Moon Man wanted Revenge.
• You No Take Candle: It could have been deliberate, but the fic is riddled with grammatical errors.
  • Chapter 2:
  "Derek meet your my new husband"
  • Chapter 5:
  Godol and Gundaladeen decided that the first to knock down the biggest building is winner.
  • Chapter 6:
  Happy found out who Ronald's old high school crushes were and slept with each and everyone one of them.